The Joker

So, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 months now. We met over Facebook (although we went to the same high school together). I remember seeing him once before we actually started talking, and he was in another relationship with this girl in my physics class. It was graduation day, and I was looking for my parents. My eyes scanned the crowd, and then I met his eyes. He stared at me from afar, while standing next to his girlfriend. I thought it was odd, and I looked away to continue searching for my parents. He wasn't wearing a cap and gown, so I assumed he was either a grade lower or from a different school. Anyway, we met eyes several times. I thought maybe he was just curious because we've never run into each other at school, and I was just as curious. I eventually forgot about the whole thing, and moved on with my life. I don't recall adding him on Facebook, but I started to see his posts popping up on my newsfeed. I saw pictures of him and his girlfriend, and even liked a few. This girl was sweet to me, and we developed a sort of mild "friend-quaitence." She liked my posts, and I liked hers. We made small talk. I didn't realize that when summer '16 came around, they had ended their relationship. I had uploaded a new profile picture, and he liked it. I was like, "Strange.. He's with so-and-so.. Why would he like my picture? He doesn't even know me." So I did some snooping and found out that they weren't together anymore. I was a little surprised, considering the fact that they were together for so long. They weren't even mutual friends on Facebook anymore. But I thought, you know, stuff happens. Some people just don't work together. So I liked his profile picture back, and then not too long after, a message popped up. "Hey," he wrote. "Hello," I wrote back. He asked me if I wanted to hangout the next day, and I said sure. So, he picked me up the next day. Things were a little quiet in the car, and I tried making small talk by asking a few icebreakers. He was quite shy, but super handsome. I could tell he cleaned up that night. His cologne smelled subtle, but intoxicatingly amazing. And then I thought I'd mention graduation day. "I think I've seen you before... At last years graduation ceremony?" He looked at me as if trying to remember me, but he said, "I don't think I saw you.." But he did. Maybe he was hiding the fact that he remembered me, or he really didn't recognize me (I had long hair at the time, and now it's shorter). I then proceeded to say, "Yeah, I saw you with so-and-so.. Weren't you guys together, if you don't mind me asking?" He just looked at me and said, "Yeah, but things didn't really work out between us.." I was dying of curiosity to know why, so I asked him. He was quiet.. And I thought, "Oh no, why did I have to ask that?" And I quickly said, "I don't mean to intrude on personal things.. I was just curious." He smirked and said, "It's okay. She broke up with me." I asked why. He said, "Her father didn't think I could continue the family business, so she ended things with me." I wasn't expecting that answer, to be quite honest. I told him, "It shouldn't be your duty to carry on their family business if that's not what you want to do," and changed the subject. He took me to the beach, and we walked along the shore. It was like a movie, let me tell you. The sunset was gorgeous; he asked me about "my story," and listened to me perfectly. We sat on a bench for an hour just talking to each other. He then asked if I wanted some ice cream, and I happily accepted. So the night went on, more perfect than I would have ever imagined. We opened up to each other quickly, and we were laughing and cracking jokes by the end of the night. He then asked me, "You want to go meet a couple of my friends?" I thought is was odd to do so on a first date, but I hesitantly said yes. So we drove to his work and parked, waiting for his friends to show up. They did, and we got out to meet them. I didn't recognize any of the boys, but immediately saw this girl I knew from one of my classes. We ran over and hugged each other, surprised. She pulled me over to the side and said, "Are you guys dating?" And I chuckled. "No, I just met him today! He seems super great though." And I was honest. He was the ideal partner, someone I could see myself being in a relationship with. "Be careful." I snapped out of my daze. "What?" She repeated herself. I asked her why, and she said, "I'm not going to judge him, but.. just know that he could be seeing others." I took her advice seriously, and the night went on. He asked me to hangout the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I hung out with him almost everyday after that. He continued to be the ideal guy, and I couldn't help but feel infatuated with him. One day, about a couple of weeks after we started hanging out, we were driving in his car. We went through the drive through at McDonald's and it was sort of quiet. I started rapping to try and make him laugh, and then he smacked me. It wasn't hard, but it was just enough to surprise me. I looked at him and he looked at me. Then he smirked and said, "No rapping in this car." I laughed back, but inside my head I was thinking, "What just happened?" I played it off as a "playful thing," but little did I know that wasn't the end of it. We got together after about a month, and things were great. And then he started putting me in headlocks, and twisting my arm backwards, and knocking me to the ground, punching my arms and legs.. "playfully." When he'd do it, he would have this crazed look in his eyes, and then he'd laugh and say, "Don't worry, I'd never hurt you." But he did. Those things hurt physically, even though I tried showing no pain.. I was scared to. So, I sucked it up and let them happen. Then the verbal threat came.. We were sitting on his bed one night, and he randomly told me about how he got back at his last girlfriend. He then looked me in the eyes and said, "Don't hurt me, because you wouldn't like what would happen." I nodded and smiled, but inside, I was petrified. One night, he asked if I wanted to have sex. I went quiet, and thought about it because first of all, I wasn't on birth control. Secondly, he didn't have any condoms. I told him that we should wait, and he went silent. I asked him what's wrong, and he continued to stay quiet. Then he said, "I just don't like being told no..." I went quiet after that. He then apologized and said, "I hate how my brain works. It's like, one moment I'm happy, and the next I can be angry." This happened often when I said no, so I started tip-toeing around him, choosing my words carefully. I never cried in front of him, even though he said pretty hurtful things to me. I would be very picky with showing my emotions around him. He would see me get sad, and then apologize to me after. He would say, "I'm sorry. You never do anything wrong to me. I don't deserve you." But I assured him that I loved him, and that I didn't want anyone else. And that was the truth. I was already wrapped around his finger. I fell in love with him. So I told him, "It's okay," time and time after, over and over again. Then he kissed another girl, and I had never been so heartbroken in my life. My first love, kissing someone else? I was completely agonized. He apologized to me in person, going on his knees and begging for forgiveness. It took me a few days, but I went back to him. He was nicer to me, stopping the insults. And then I left for my 2 week vacation. I stayed with a friend (who is a boy, but gay). My boyfriend kept worrying about me being out there, mostly because he didn't want me to do the same thing he did. I took a picture on snapchat and posted it to my story. It was a picture of me and my friend sitting on opposite beds, but it looked like we were laying on the same bed. My boyfriend was furious. He called and yelled at me for it, not caring if my friend was gay. He said he didn't want me near any guy unless it was family. I felt terrible, and hung up on him. He threatened to go do something "stupid" like he had so many times before... And then he texted me in the morning, apologizing for his outburst. "It's okay," I said. "You're the only one I see," I assured him. A few days after, he sent me a screenshot of a conversation he had with one of my Facebook friends. It was a boy from my old church who I had never really been close with, but he liked some of my posts on Facebook. My boyfriend apparently added him because he liked a status of mine... Why was my boyfriend going so crazy over something like this? I assured him again that there was nothing going on, and we moved on. I came back a couple of days ago, and I was so excited to see him as he was to see me. Last night, we were laying on his bed and he asked me, "Do you want me to scare you?" And I nervously chuckled. "Sure..," I said. His hand flew to my neck, and he proceeded to choke me quite hard... The look in his eyes were almost deranged. I started seeing black.. And then he stopped. He hugged me and said, "Don't worry, I'd never hurt you." I smiled at him, but I was so scared... This was beyond anything he's ever done.. I still have some redness on my neck today. I'm afraid I'm going insane from this, because I can't leave. I don't want to leave him. It's like a Joker and Harley situation, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.