I'm a total waste of space

I'm 43 going through hell and it's a long story My whole life I've felt there was something wrong with me I was constantly off school due to differing health issues but have no childhood memories....... Until recently and now have only one I left school without any qualifications Started working but lost every job I had through time keeping Met my now wife at 17 and have never been apart from her since she is my everything And we have 4 wonderful kids together 19 16 13 10 In 96 after lots of visits to the Gp I was diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia (sleep disorder) and have been unable to work due to it since (I have tried but again lost each job due to time keeping or falling asleep) Over the years I've been on many different types of antidepressants and only found 1 that worked ....... what I thought was well That was around 10+ years ago till December and even tho the gp put the prescription on repeat I often noticed that my review was months or years overdue But now my life is in turmoil..... I have huge chunks of memories missing ...... not like days or weeks but loads of meaningful conversations discussions and arguments with my wife and I felt the pills are to blame I often felt obsession over things and that the thoughts were not my own but didn't associate anything with the pills as they kept me feeling level .......no matter what was thrown at me and was often described as being so laid back I was horizontal Anyway in December my wife who used to do a lot for charity causes attending and helping was raped at knifepoint but when she came home and told me ...... Something happened and I'm now loosing her Instead of being a caring loving partner that I should of been the shock of it turned me nasty ....... I don't mean physical I mean emotionally unstable unattached and said somethings I didn't want to say But now please believe me as I feel no one does but the shock of hearing her tell me made me have an out of body experience and although I could see that nasty dirty rude uncaring scum kneeling on the floor saying those things to her ...... It was not me, I was stood in the corner of the room in disamay at what was happening but couldn't stop it And at that point I realised that I needed of those pills as that was NOT me but the damage had been done and I can't take that back and I went cold turkey off the flouoxetine Now 8 months later still feel those pills have done me over but what's worse have destroyed my life and my marriage Mistakes have been made and trust destroyed on her part but I've drove my wife away and she's looking elsewhere to live as we speak I've just spent the last 8 weeks begging and pleading her to stay but she can't see past what I've done ....... Before you think it ........ No I've never been violent or abusive but have obsessed and wanted things and stopped showing her the love attention and affection she deserved 25yrs of being so in love and telling her everyday still isn't enough 8 weeks of trying to keep her here has made her hate me ...... I see it in her eyes hear it in her voice and feel it in every other way There is nothing left and it hurts so so bad

You can understand that a person who's basically for decades been going 'Tit...tit...tit...tit...', including, presumably, financially supporting you and your kids, then when expecting 'Tat' but instead getting the opposite, would think, 'THAT'S IT!', can't you. The crux issue here is that she chose not to believe you and saw how you treated her as a marital crime committed on your part when fully compos mentis. If her choice was in all innocence, rather than your behaviour having been her great opportunity and excuse, finally, to leave you and/or find a better partner yet with (she thinks) the ability to hold her head high, then this Do Or Die Night sheet with its massive inkblot, can be overlaid by many more POSITIVE 'emotional in-tray' sheets. At some point, that critical number of sheets is going to first blur then obliterate the blot, isn't it. One method is like you're doing - apologising over and over until it becomes more action than word. The next, from the other end, WHICH IDEALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN SIMULTANEOUS, is proving with actions that the apology is sincere and USEFUL (for going forward with). Have you given up prematurely? Or is she simply not open to having her mind changed, her trust in you rebuilt and her confidence in the relationship regenerated? If the latter, then either yes it's too late/her mind's too set (because for HER the marriage was not enjoyable) OR, as I say, excuse (has or wants A.N. Other). You're not going to know for surer until you've done EVERYTHING that's in your power to do, are you. Have you? Some people who genuinely don't want to lose their soulmate fight for a LOT longer than 8 little weeks, IRRESPECTIVE of the fact that the gauntlet run features having to go through Mrs Bitterly Angry & Resentful (or even Mrs Monstrous) to rescue Mrs Lovely. But for just one example, have you provided medical proof or indication that these out-of-body experiences are symptomatic of your condition and/or medication? Or have you just SAID whatever she needs or you think she needs to hear? PS...just to eliminate something from the enquiry: Did she tell the Police? Or just you?

A solid relationship is necessarily built upon reciprocal trust. If now it's missing on one side but once it was not, it can potentially be rebuilt, but it requires lots of patience, time and heart. Some things last for very long but very few are forever, and you have no way to tell which thing is which; until then you have to keep trying. Strength is fundamental to survive no matter what. Even if it doesn't work out you won't get a second shot at life, it's true, but 43 is early enough to still achieve something for yourself. Your sleeping disorder sure makes some choices impossible, but not every one: You never cease to exist as a person, even when you abdicate yourself in favour of your partner or your family. Dig deep to find what you love and let it grow. Peace.