When he thinks I'm asleep. Am I not giving him enough

My partner has been doing this a while now, but has gotten worse and more intrusive recently. Almost every night my partner comes to bed after I've fallen asleep and then begins to touch me, putting his fingers inside me pulling my top up etc or has me touch him. It hasn't got to the point of penetration but now his taking my pants off in not sure how much further he will go. He thinks I'm asleep because the first few times I mostly was, but now if I stir he pretends to be asleep himself so I won't realise what his doing, now I just pretend to stay asleep to see how far he will go, but do still stir the more intrusive he becomes. I havnt said anything to him i don't know why but I'm too frightened or uncomfortable to. Is this a result of me not giving him enough? What have I done to cause this? Why does he pretend to be asleep if I stir. He doesn't try when I'm awake. Feeling deflated

If this really does bother you then you do need to say something. Try to overcome the fear or discomfort. I think that's about all I better say

You don't need to take any responsibility for HIS behavior. If you don't like it or are uncomfortable with it, put a stop to it. If he needs me, he needs to grow up and ask for it. Have a conversation about it, away from the bedroom. Again- this is his issue. Don't let him make it yours any more than it already is. <3

I'm just not sure if it's something I have caused to happen. I have tried to be strong about saying something, you think I would be able to 8 years together and 3 kids, but I havnt been able to, I don't know how to address Is this normal for people?

*needs more, not me. On my phone's tiny keyboard...

I dislike the notion of "normal". That brings judgment into the relationship. I prefer to think in terms of what's agreed upon and comfortable for both people. You're clearly not comfortable. And there's been no agreement because there's been no discussion. So you need to speak up, as does he. It's nothing you're doing, or not doing. Again- if he's dissatisfied, he needs to let you know that, in a healthy way. The fact you feel you can't even bring it up with the person you're sharing a life, bed, and family with is deeply troubling on several levels... The fact that he prefers you be less than conscious and avoids the conversation while awake, is even more troubling. It speaks to a lack of communication, trust, respect, and more. If you can't/won't resolve this during waking hours, away from the bedroom, I'd suggest counseling. Individual and as a couple. If it's simply something he's enjoying, and you talk about it, and you agree to explore it, that's one thing. Two consenting adults and all that. But what you're describing has much deeper implications that you may want/need to take a serious look at. Hope you find a way to work this out, and soon. <3

It nothing that you've done BOOTS nothing that you've done at all. Don't blame your self it's just the way some of us "men" are. And I dont speak for all of us just some us. I've heard guys talk about doing the very same thing to their wives seriously so it's not overly uncommon . Don't be fearful he's your husband talk to him.

How do I bring it up to him when it's been happening for so long, Last time I said something he said I must have been dreaming and at that stage I wasn't sure if that may have been. Another time I asked him what he was doing and he turned it back on me saying I welcomed him to it stating I said yes (I must have been asleep) So what if in my sleep I did Consent to it? I don't want to make him uncomfortable or upset that I have pretended to be asleep.

Sounds like he has a strong sexual drive. I just looked up sex counciling and it does exist online betterhelp.com. check it out see what you think and then if you like it maybe bring it up to him.

Are you afraid of him? Is that why you are reluctant to talk and make him uncomfortable or upset? The fact you feel uncomfortable and upset doesn't seem to be bothering him, and he tries to make his actions your responsibility. Scopes has good advice. Get some help. If you're unable to talk to him, there are much bigger problems at the core of your relationship, and none of it will get better. Only worse. Please seek some help if you're unable to address issues directly with him.

To clarify, No I'm certainly not enjoying this, it makes me very uncomfortable, it's not like he is trying to arouse me for us to be 'together' coz he stops if I stir, when I have said things about it to try put a stop to it, for whatever reasons, either I've supposedly consented, or whatever his reasonings or denial always make me second guess if I possibly am dreaming it. I am on medication each night that knocks me out, although I'm 99.9% sure it's happening, it's kinda like that movie where the man is having an operation and the surgeons think his knocked out, but he can feel everything that's happening, just not be able to do anything about it. I love my partner so very much, I know I should be able to confront him more and end this, but like I said any time I have confronted him his ways of reasoning make me second guess myself and then also if it's my fault. I would say normally our sex life 'awake' is as normal as any couple, although my libido is a little lower then usual as we had a baby 3 months ago, but I still wouldn't say it's non existent and he knows I'm willing to cater to his needs wether or not I want it returned. But with him purposely doing this when I'm asleep and then stopping if I stir makes me feel awkward. If he continued when I started waking and we possibly finished together then maybe it wouldn't be so weird because I'd be with him but it seems to me that his not wanting me awake with him. I just feel like I don't have an answer to stop it, saying what I have said to him doesn't work and his getting more and more intrusive. And I'm bloody tired, waking to the new baby plus this and then the other two kids daily and work. I'm becoming more and more drained.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You really need to tell him that it's not okay with you. If he wants intimacy, he can wake you up. Or, he can go to bed the same time you do. Or any number of options. But it shouldn't be a compromise for you, and it certainly shouldn't make you feel awkward or that he's being intrusive. You're going to have to have a difficult but honest conversation with him. If it upsets him, you'll work through it. Work through it with help if that is necessary to open the lines of communication. Find a few seconds of insane courage, and tell him how it makes you feel, and that you want it to stop. Ask him to approach you while you're awake, and/or whatever you both are comfortable with. Ask someone to take the kids for an evening, or a night if possible. Carve out some time for just you and he to talk. And then tell him how you feel, and trust that you'll be able to resolve it in a way that brings you closer. If it gets too difficult, ask him if he'd see a counselor. Whatever helps you resolve this.

BOOTS I think you're on to something....

Sorry scopes I don't know what u mean? And thanku all that has responded, I needed to get it off my chest, unfortunately I don't think I'm strong enough to confront him again at the moment, pretty sure he will turn it on me again and that's just too mentally draining, I need to just be strong for my kids who are struggling at the moment mainly my 7yo after moving to a different state leaving everyone we love, not only moving state but moving to an island so it's very challenging and isolating, been moved for 18 months mind you and keep getting false promises that we are going back home only to have the time stretched further on us 😥. I woulda thought that being here so long my daughter would have settled in with her new friends who she does love and plays with daily etc but no, she longs to go home back to my family and our friends, it's heart breaking. So I guess we just keep on going and hoping he will realise that we are miserable and let us go back home...

Hi BOOTS what I mean is by your visiting other threads may help you get a better perspective on your own situation. Although some of these people's problems don't resemble yours reading them help stimulate the thought process. Plus it gives you a sense of satisfaction knowing that you have possibly helped someone. And who knows maybe you might find the answer to your problem.

BTW I see you tried to submit an imogie I tried that too. Soulmate showed how,you go to the top of this box and you'll see (forum code of conduct) and (Emoticon reference) select (Emoticon Reference) you'll see how to use the symbols. :)

:-D haha thanks

There ya go!

What would concern me about this situation is that he stops when he thinks you are awake. He doesn't try to seduce you into intimacy. He tries to use your body for his own fantasies. The fact that he thinks he can use your body for his own satisfaction when you are asleep is a little bit creepy, to be honest. You need to find a way to communicate with him immediately. Be honest. Tell him the truth. Tell him that you are uncomfortable and that you previously faked sleeping to see what he would be willing to do. Complete honesty will eliminate him being able to lie about the circumstances because you will be admitting to being awake. Marriage doesn't grant him unlimited access to your body without your consent. Are you afraid he might hurt you?