My marriage is on the rocks

Ok, won't go into to much detail.. Basically i had an affair 9 months ago. We both agreed to make a go of things, as we loved each other (but I wasn't in love with him) but he is completely in love with me. I have been trying my hardest to make things work, but don't seem to be getting anywhere.. I really don't know what to do, as he doesn't seem to be getting over it.. if anything it's getting worse.. hes absolutely heartbroken, and I feel so guilty for what I did ( there are reasons behind why I did do it) I feel he's pushing me away as he Keeps throwing it in my face all the time.. please help. Regards Lisa

This is not uncommon you hear this from either husband or wife whom have had affairs. The other can't get over the one who had the affair. I'm guessing you grew apart and we're seeking attention from someone outside the marriage. I would suggest marriage counseling for you both. BTW I'm sure if it were the other way around you'd probably feel the same way your husband feels

If you could give a reason or two as to why you had the affair we might be able to help you. But for now SUSIEDQQ'S advice with the separation might be best in addition to possible counciling

Hi, I am not proud of this, but I had an EA about two years ago. My spouse and I separated three months ago, but are back together now. Unfortunately, despite counselling, both singular and joint, I know my spouse is still holding anger inside. This will continue to spill out, and it will take time for it to be released, I have no idea if this will end, nor will you. It entirely depends on the other persons capacity to forgive and move on. Some people have long memories, and refuse to let go, even with counselling. You need to ask yourself whether this situation is what you want. You clearly are not in love with him, and that will never resolve itself, either you do or not. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love, and cannot get over what you have done? If you do, it will take some serious work on your part, I know this as I have done it. If you have no children, and no real ties, then you should seriously think about what you want from life. A separation really only teaches you to be independent and pull yourself away from the other. Mine survived due to work on both sides, but I believe this is reasonably rare. I am still not out of the woods, and my may well fail for one reason or another. You did what you did, as your needs were not being met. I am not trying to excuse it, but out you needed something you were not getting from your spouse. If you separate, without love, it will stay that way most likely. I wish you luck, make some choices, and make the right ones. If you separate put some ground rules in place, and decide on a time period. Without one, it will likely go on and on. Keep communicating, and do NOT meet or sleep with anyone else. if you do need to, then finalise your current situation first. Don't leave the other person with hope when there is none. That is your chance to be honest. Without trust and transparency, there can be no relationship. If you cannot provide that, you need to be elsewhere. Trust me, I am living this now. However, I do love my wife, and she loves me. (in love as well). Also, bear in mind, mine was two years ago..... It's a long haul, and there is no guarantee of success, regardless of how hard you work.

Wow HELPNEEDEDPLEASE looks like your advice is the best here Good job!

the bottom line is you do not love this man, it is sad to be the one that loves so much another that does not love them, most of us have been there in his place and its really hard; but people do get through it and he also MUST. he is making you feel guilty and that is partly manipulative and at best deeply naiive. he is prolonging his own unhappiness by thinking it will bring him happiness if you stay in this loveless situation.he knows deep down you are going to leave, its just some days he feels stronger than others so his mood reflects that. hold on to your original beliefs, your heart is not wrong, you've given your attempts to try and make this work as anyone wanting to try would do and it still doesn't feel good for you. cheating was wrong, and you know that, but the facts are that cheating is a sign that something was not right. some people do come back after someone else cheats, but that is because both people want each other. you have made it clear, yes you love him, but you don't love him enough and after confessing you still do not love him. that is the reality of it. he keeps pushing you away but that isn't love either, its hurt, and its someone that is using manipulation (even in his sad and shocked heartbreak for you doesn't know what to do to communicate a love that you need, its sad, but it happens a lot in growing up and also when older to couples before many of them find the ones they can last with and are truly compatible with). even if he was not pushing you away but was very desperate for you to stay with him, it doesn't change anything. ****see the first 10 words of this post!!!! **** he is throwing things in your face because he is hurt and doesn't know how to communicate with you other than to show you physically that he is upset and when that doesn't get your attention he is angry. he is angry with you and himself so it all happens again when he thinks of life without you and gets upset and frustrated...its a chain that needs to be broken.and in my opinion as quickly as realistically possible for your own sakes. his self esteem has fallen, but if you are not careful yours will too!!! he sounds like a sensitive guy, and theres no shame in that at all. I suspect you are pretty sensitive too, staying with someone you know you don't really love at least to try to put right your previous actions. but if you don't have love from 2 people that are feeling the same strength of feeling, need and desires how ever upsetting it gets it isn't love, no matter what is said, done or what games people play or deny in between. you have realised that you don't love this man anymore. it is sad of course, but now you have to do the right thing. if you are in a position to leave then leave, if it is your space then you must set a time phase that he must leave, if you have a shared home then you have to arrange and talk about finances and what will happen who owns what etc, find out if you dont know, where you stand in your situation with specialist advice. i know you will feel a lot of relief once you take charge of things and sort out a way to leave. don't let his emotions cloud your true needs however low and distraught he is. of course you love him a lot by the sounds of it, but your love is not in the same way it was, or in the way you hoped for when times were better for you both (regardless of your short affair). it will be kinder in the long run to say goodbye as soon as is realistic or give a time frame to say I am making plans to leave (or whatever is right for your sitaution).you must communicate this and mean it and show him you mean it and you wont take on all the drama. you don't have to be overly cruel, just say look you know I'm going I have to do this and sooner or later he will get more used to the fact and will have to start making plans for himself to move forward alone. the quicker you start to think about this and keep to your decisions the sooner this man can find some space and time to come to terms with what is enevitable and what must happen is happening. it will give him some peace in a strange way. it must be stressful for both of you. there is only one kind thing to do and that is to just end this properly. can you stay with family or friends or go on a short break for a while? be careful though to sort out all of your personal belongings or secure your home etc, people can do all kinds of resentful and revengeful things when they are hurt or feel humiliated; also other peoples friends can also behave in a nasty way too, so be prepared for manipulation or resentment from those that feel for him or are siding with him. follow your heart and don't give in to them either. your family surely want you to be happy don't they. if this man really loves you he would want you to be happy too..however sad it left him, even if it means losing you he would want you to be happy and try to respect what you need however hard he struggles or how hard he takes it to get through to him you don't want this anymore with him. I would make sure you tie up all your loose ends in separation matters to do with home, any children if you have them, finance etc....take advice from professionals if you can if you need it or seek extra counselling if things do turn unpleasant. I hope they don't, he only sounds hurt not a nasty person in that way. but just protect yourself just in case. move on. this relationship sounds like it has been dead for a long time!! don't feel guilt from him or from friends and family, people always have things to say but like all of us giving you our thoughts, we don't actually know the reality of your situation. only you and he know. and you are telling us that you are certain now that he is not the one you love now. love is such a gentle and precious thing. a good man (or woman) desearves to be happy. he will find happiness in time, even if it has to come from peace and calm of being alone when you have gone for good. each day you are gone will help him. love hurts when it is over, but it also hurts when you drag it on and the other person is not given full closure! you are not happy staying here so why stay? that sounds cold I know. but it is the truth and sometimes that is just the way it is. 6 months from now he will look back and think he feels better.12 months from now you will both be in a different place and maybe with people that you can love and share happy times with. just remember: Christmas is coming!!! do you want this dragging on all through that, you are not being kind by hanging around for this man, everytime you acknowledge him in a loving way or feel sorry or guilty it will give him false hope and when it isn't reciprocated he turns and throws it in your face. find your courage and make this a new time for you (and him). good luck.

Hi guys Thank you for all your comments.. I really appreciate it. Ok the reson I had an affair is because I've felt so unloved for many years he never ever told me he loved me showed me love or affection it was always me that showed it him.. I wasn't getting anything back in from him. he's always been so cold towards me. I've tried and tried my hardest to talk to him about why he's like that he says he wasn't brought up that way He never ever communicates with me about anything really.. it's always been me that try's to sort our issues . he's so layed back it's unreal! we've been together for 18 years and married for 8. I have 3 children with him the children know there is something wrong and it isn't good for them.. Yes I had the affair and it made me feel in top of the world! I know it was soooo wrong of me but I felt special.. loved..appreciated Even though I felt guilty at the same time.. Like I said guys I do love and care for him so much.. and I will always love him of course his my children's father. But I really don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't feel like things are getting any better.. infact it's getting worse for him.

You love him but are not "in love". I love my dog but I don't share my life with him. You cheated because you felt neglected (he sounds like he may have smiling depression). Was he holding back because he knew you were not "in love"? For many men, sex and intimacy are not satisfying if the woman doesn't LOVE it and crave it.

Well at least some of us were close to what the possibilities are with your situation. Sounds like your husband is in need of counciling. The unfortunate thing here is involving the kiddos it's really not fair to them Thank you for coming back

So glad I never got married

Oooooo let me back up here a tiny bit. I apologize for making the comment about not being married. However I'm a little confused at the top of the story you say. (but I wasn't in love with him) but he is completely in love with me. Then on your latest response Ok the reason i had the affair is because I've felt so unloved. You're not on trial nor am I trying to pick apart your story just curious.

http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat3a8Q If you can link to this it might be helpful

Try this: http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb07/eternal.aspx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat3a8Q messed that last one up. Yes ONTHEROAD that is an interesting read about fanning the flames

One more time http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q disregard the last two sheeesh sorry

Ethster Perel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q I promise this is it :-)

Thank you scopes.. just watched this this couldn't be any truer.. definitely my situation wow! Thanks again

If you and your husband are on speaking terms might I suggest that maybe you both look into counciling from her? Just a serving suggestion.

And!

SCOPES... unfortunately we aren't talking at the minute.. he's constantly throwing things at me really nasty towards me.. I don't think this is going to get any better.. I'm trying my hardest but when he's like he is we can't move forward It's really getting me down ;-(

LISAA.LOO I'm so sorry I wish there was something else I could do.

Soulmate?

LISAA.LOO maybe its best at this point that you and he separate take time away from each other. I don't know what kind of arrangements you could both make with the kids and all that's the tough part. It's like I said from the very beginning in some cases of infidelity either the wife or husband who have been cheated on are never able to get over or forget.

Thanks SCOPES Really appreciate your concern.. Christmas is coming up and it wouldn't be fair to them if we separated at this time.. maybe after Christmas..I know there is never a right time.. but I don't wanna hurt them and spoil it.

Yes quite true your absolutely right. LISAA.LOO with the spirit of the season coming upon us maybe he might have a change of heart. Let's hope

Earlier, you agreed to work it out. Now he has withdrawn. Why? Maybe you don't know or think you don't. My bet is you just lapsed into a bit to much comfort. He had agreed to work it out so I'm good. You have to remember what you did to hurt him. He's having a hard time feeling like he is the most important person in the world to you and he should feel like that. He's thinking that you lied to him for the other guy. He's thinking you did things for the other guy that you haven't and maybe wouldn't do for him. You'll never wie that out or get past it. Talk to him about what changed. Tell him you want to prove to him how important he is. Ask what he needs and let him know that you know you will have to prove yourself over and over for a long time. Be prepared to not say no. If he asks for something hard for you let him know it will be hard but you want to do it and enjoy because he wants it and your relationship needs it. Then try to enjoy because you know you are doing good. You can't sit back. You have to push hard if he's important.

Or

Maybe

You could try asking for forgiveness if you haven't already

(Scopes, have you forgotten that I not so long ago made a point of asking you *not* to fragment your message amongst mini-post after mini-post, let alone impulsive, single-word firings? Can you not appreciate how annoying and frustrating it is for the other thread contributors to click on a PP email-alert link in their inbox, only to be greeted by nothing more than, for example, the word 'or'? "OY!....SCOPESIE!....*NAO*!!!" (- name the Harry Enfield character and promise me, right here, right now that you WON'T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE.)

Lisa (if you're still reading), When your relationship isn't going right, you don't solve that by ignoring the problem and fixing workload whilst starting a new one behind the first's back. That's not clever, is it. Would you do that as a chef - just abandon the recipe on the hob that's going lumpy and starting to burn in favour of starting a replica on a second hob?...and wait for the KER-BOOM from the original hob!?...followed by falling down in a sobbing heap because now you've got one almighty bomb-site to clear and clean up, which is too much for you to cope with? You knew cheating was wrong *under ANY circumstance* and would cause a giant mess before you even touched that line, let alone crossed it. Still - spilt milk... Patently, this guy, originally - either (metaphorically-speaking) single-handedly or with your help(?) (too much help?) - managed to bring you, the cold or tepid pan of milk, to the boil (as had you saying 'I do') yet seemingly never had a clue about how to *keep* you simmering, long-term. He's not alone...A lot of men stupidly conclude that once they've got that ring on your finger, they've passed the chequered flag - job over - and can now sit back and have a non-stop doze and focus on other areas of their lives instead, as if uncontrollable, unstoppable detaching due to lack of input is beyond their anticipation, imagination or comprehension [rolls eyes]. So you grew cooler and cooler...and then managed to get heated up by someone else, whom your mind has now formed a hard, replacement association with in terms of what makes your heart flutter and your knickers fall off. Hardly surprising, therefore, that neither does husband have a clue, now/today, when this time round under the kind of serious traumatisation and emotional duress he *wasn't* under way back when, and, therefore, seemingly expecting you to bring *yourself* back to the boil - correct? If he's too hurt to be capable of putting his feelings aside and work on re-wooing you - or re-woo you *in spite of/through* how bruised, battered and 'out for the count' he feels - then, clearly, being emotionally unskilled and inexperienced and self-discipline-short is one of things the pair of you have majorly in common (hence he let you go cold and hence you thought that put you above the universal faithfulness rules). In short, he doesn't have a clue what to do/not do and neither, by the sounds, do you (- failing to succeed with pacifying and salving his poor ego, enough to get it to shut up). In which case, I'd have thought bringing in someone who *is* (marital counsellor) should be your first sensible move, with or without a separation insitu in the process. Actually, like Susie advised, a separation would be the kindest thing for both of you if non-stop recriminations and acrimony constantly abound (understandably), day-in-day-out. HOWEVER, this guy's *already* panicking and climbing the walls out of a believe that you're secretly leaving him merely in subtle, backward, mini-steps, meaning, hearing you suggest a break is probably going to have him stuck fast to the actual ceiling(!)... UNLESS you make a point of reassuring him - TO HIS SATISFACTION - that the intention behind the move, on your part, is solely and exclusively the precise opposite, namely, you wanting to damage-limit in order that you two *don't - ever* have to permanently split. Granted, you can't guarantee that in 6 months' time you *won't* have realised you two would be better off parting for-good (due to there never being sufficient chemistry or fuelling of chemistry to enable so-called compatibility). But intention is key with any choice of action. So get that sorted in your mind first and, assuming you *do* want to get back up to Cloud 9 - for your own sake, not just the kids' - then you need to bust your gut to convince him that a separation will be even *more* helpful to him - and the marriage (and kids) - than for you as an individual (i.e. is a kind favour and self-sacrifice). After all, while the insult-on-legs that you represent is constantly walking around, so 'in his face', not sounding nearly sorry enough for his liking/needing, thereby generating even *more*, semi-illegible emotional sheets in your already overloaded and confused emotional in-trays, then - all this is going to achieve is a far higher pile of paperwork than necessary, thus needlessly extra time and effort, with the actual crux issue still left further down, untouched and unaddressed (let alone filed and archived as a past, now-immaterial memory, superfluous to cross-referencing requirements)). He needs to be able to sit and sift methodically through his existing intray load. And so do you. Only THEN should you review all the, now newly-understood and -appreciated sheets together. If they no longer upset each of you as individuals quite so much or at all, then neither can or will they end up upsetting the other (and back again) as can start a whole, new, negative chain of interaction. I suggest you propose (or demand, if necessary) a separation that features [a] weekly (at least) counselling together, [b] a date night once per week, right after each session (to facilitate clarifying thus prevent lone sulking and winding oneself back up again), [c] another, entirely separate and counselling-unrelated date night per week (- make it the Saturday and make it something you do alone...no third parties welcome for now...e.g. ice-skating, bowling, nightclubbing/bopping, comedy shows (- definitely!), theatre, fancy restaurants (trying new food), just to have some FUN together and put a smile back on the relationship's face - mucho importante! I mean, when *was* the last time you two laughed or even smiled together?...bet neither of you can even remember, can you!), and [d] three "Night-Night" phonecalls per week at least (including separate, dedicated, nightly calls to keep emotionally connected to and reassuring the kids). If those are the terms and conditions of the mini-separation - terms proposed *by you* - then he can benefit from - even try to enjoy - the much-needed breather and break from stress without meantime getting gripped by suspicious and paranoid thoughts regarding what you truly, secretly wish to achieve by it. Simple - yes? Oh, and by the way, if he 'wasn't brought up that way' (test-tube baby raised by family of robots, was he? (pff)) then he'd damn well better learn toute suite, hadn't he (- try, duh, watching telly??), then maybe he should have realised how non-eligible that made him (ice queens excepted...something you're obviously not)! That's one of *your* conditions for staying and working on the marriage...so don't you dare drop it or skimp on it - FYI it's the entire, damn mother ship...is what turned the hob gas lower then Off in the first place as had you going cold and giving another 'chef' the opportunity to appropriate someone else's pan of milk. Remember: you *were* in-love with him....even bore, not one, not two, but THREE proofs-on-legs of that. So both of those prove this: you can be again. But, as you were the one committed the bigger crime, took the (let's be honest) traditionally male role, then you're going to have to FINISH that role by being the sensible and pragmatic rule-setter and facilitator, just to get the ball rolling to where he, 'now', can take back over as heater-upper. So you and he need to go back to that era in your minds and identify - WHY were you / how come? What was he doing (that you were reciprocating and responding to) - presumably genuinely heartfelt-ly - back then, that he at whatever point ceased for whatever reason(s) doing? He MUST have told you he loved you and showed you affection in the early years, surely? Otherwise you'd never have stayed so long or agreed to tie the knot in the first place - correct? So I suggest you refuse to remain being fooled by what your mind these days chooses to repaint him and it all as, because how you feel ("not in-love") is in large part just a natural psychological offshoot of having crossed the fidelity line, called Demonization ("the whole marriage was always secretly sh*t and I just didn't realise it!") (- go google). I know you *do* still love him romantically, though. The actions contained in starting this thread in the first place as well as its nature and content (from your side...not least your 'please help') say so. As does the contradiction Scopes picked up on. You just can't feel it because he for too long let it go sleepy-bye-byes *and*, as said, you're still carrying the artificial need to colour yourself/your act less Black, meaning, it's only just woken back up and is too groggy and irritable. In short, it's no more complicated than this: he kept mini-stepping on your toes so you eventually turned around and stomped one-off fully on his, so now you're both, in acted-out format, basically going, 'YOU apologise and make up for for your whole run of crimes properly first and THEN I'll apologise and make up for my one-hit crime properly' / 'No, you' / 'No, YOU', and so on...which is WHY you can't bring yourself to do what you're perfectly capable of doing: saying and (more to the, and his, point) *doing* sorry until you put a smile back on his face enough for him to grab that baton from you in starting to permanently replace the smile on yours (then his, then yours, ...in a box in a box in a box (preferably yours ;-)). All this 'I don't know how (or I can't quite seem to bring myself) to do this/that' and other pithy excuses are just plain pride, competitiveness and resentful stubbornness in-motion. No, Lisa - YOU start. You're cleverer and clearly *do* know how to woo and be woo-ed (ber-bom). And if you do take the initial lead yet afterwards he *still* tries to claim helpless ineptitude or lacking an affectionate nature - dump the now-proven dud for his being more hell-bent on having someone conveniently to-hand to 'justifiably' bully and take *any* of his moodies out on, than pitch in with saving his currently allegedly oh-so-important marriage. PS: Unless I & Mr Soulmate and other likemindeds I know are true, human anomalies (yeah, right) - no, passion does *not* automatically have a shelf-life in terms either of decrease or cessation, and, no, it is *not* unrealistic to think your chosen life-partner *can't* be 'every woman/every man' (best lover ever, best friend ever, best provider/best provider-support, best intellectual equal, etc., etc.). That's an excuse for typical human laziness and apathy (wanting perks without doing the requisite work). If two individuals concertedly, conscientiously, *consistently* spend enough dedicated energy to finding the right field and then keep sowing and re-sowing after reaping (despite might allow pockets where you let the field rest a wee while), YOU KEEP REAPING. Not rocket-science, just plain emotional agriculture. Hard work? - yes. Harder rewards? - ABSOLUTELY. Work that inevitably ceases to feel like 'work' and more like pleasure and cleverness? - Yup. Conclusion: worth it!

Soulmate I know you are commander and chief here but I'm afraid those actions were deliberate and meant to get your attention here. In fact if you scroll up you'll see that I requested you Soulmate? The only way I knew how to move this subject up to the top before it got closer to the bottom was to what I did. I'm not a software savant so please forgive me. I know she could start another thread but thought there were some responses here that might have been helpful to you. I guess I could've searched for you at another thread and summoned you presence here but wouldn't that also be rude? Yes..yes I promise not to do this again but then please tell me how to summon you if I need your help on another another thread without my being inappropriate.

And BTW your advice as always excellent!

I'm talking about the thrice mis-pasting of that link and then, further down, the 'Or' and 'maybe' posted separately as if individual messages in their own right instead of being kept contained to the complete sentence that followed them ('Or maybe you could try asking for forgiveness if you haven't already'). Saying it was to do with your attempts to summon me and bump up the thread doesn't gel whatsoever. What does is an attempt at a dramatic, 'drum-roll' effect (so - nice try ...but not nice enough, I'm afraid). As for bumping up any threads, FYI that's solely and exclusively a moderator's privilege of initiative. Why the attempt to summon me, anyway - where was the fire? And what do you mean, 'that might have been helpful' *to me*. Que? FYI, if you need to alert my attention over something actually urgent or important - repeat - *actually* urgent or important then you can do so via Richard (Support...Email Tech Support). Or you could start a temporary thread, which I can easily delete afterwards, (suggested title, Calling Soulmate!) in which to ask me any pressing questions or queries. But obviously that too should be kept to an absolute minimum, again only for legitimately important reasons. Hopefully we're clear now?

The creating a temporary thread works for me. I just wanted you to see this before it went to the bottom to be archived. And yes the intended reply was supposed to be (or maybe you could ask for forgiveness if you haven't already). Thank you and Happy Holidays! :-)

Good, okay. I think I know what's behind it, though. You're transferring over your smartphone texting habits, aren't you. PS: Talking of holidays, can I ask, have you got any free time on Christmas Day? PPS: I see everything. PPPS: Stop biting your nails. (See how I did that? God love PSs. ;-))

You're absolutely right! Good to see you!! Ttyl..... Lol!!! Complete with imogies :-) :-) :-)

Yeah, but, no, but... You didn't answer my question about Crimbo Day?

Thats a big no Christmas day i can't get off and have to work. I'm even battling our administration to get time off next week to see my mother she's in advanced stages of dementia. You'd think after 29 years I could be able to take off Christmas.

Thank you for asking

I had to think about the question and although I have to work if you want to call it that I'm sure I'll have plenty of free time.

Sorry to hear about your mum. :-( Maybe you should think about getting a job with a more fair and nurturing employer in the New Year? Reason I was asking is because every year I've opened a 'lonely at Christmas' thread for people who are on their tod to have somewhere where they can just chew the fat and swap jokes and anecdotes 'n stuff' (or more a virtual knees-up if it attracts enough visitors) but I'm not sure I'll have the time this year, aside from the odd contribution, meaning, I was wondering whether, if I were to open it you might like to play thread host and monitor? Feel completely free to say no, obviously.

Soulmate I can't think of any reason why I couldn't attend,host or monitor,and thank you for including me. And thank you for your concerns about my mother as I do love her so much. :-D

And I'm sure she knows that! :-) ***** (Host, please.) Excellent stuff - thanks! And don't worry, it's never usually very crowded or fast-paced so you wouldn't be glued to your PC all day (and I'd help out and/or cover if you needed me to, obvs)...just a case of flitting back every hour or so to respond and check all's okay. We'll keep this thread going for discussing the How To's and ins and outs nearer the time, since Lisa hasn't posted a thing for over a month (albeit, correct me if I'm wrong, Lisa, and you still want to keep it available?).

Sounds good I'll do my best, LISAA.LOO might be back you never know. My mother remembers my pet name she gave me whenever I go to see her. Which by the way I'm leaving to see her tomato in San Diego

Given the nature of your relationship and obvious closeness between the pair of you, I'm sure your pet-name is etched indelibly on her memory, mate, I wouldn't worry about that. Hope you found her well and in good spirits. :-) ...her and her prize-winning tomato (;-D).

Thank you soulmate, she's different from the last time I saw her at thanksgiving. I'm not quite sure I can explain it but it's like she remembers things that she didn't before. I'm trying to piece it together as to what caused this behavior change. For the most part she is in good spirits. I'll be looking for that thread if you're still interested. Oh one more thing in case LISAA.LOO does return something that might be helpful to her https//relate.org.uk

https//www.relate.org.uk I keep forgetting the www sorry

Her tomato? :-D Potential prizewinner at this year's country fayre, is it? [canned laughter] Course she remembers her pet-name for you - the closeness you're right now demonstrating proves it! :-)

DO not know how that just happened, that was my original draft to the above already posted message, whereas what I was trying to paste in (from Word) was my reply to your latest! (Shpookayy!)...Promise I haven't started on the Xmas booze yet. :-p Needless Repetition... Don't you just hate it? Never mind, just ignore it. What I was GOING to say was, I don't know enough about Dementia to comment but I'd have thought you could find an explanation on the net? Were I to hazard a guess, though, I'd say the memories now coming to her are the indelible, longest-running ones - hence your pet-name. Guess that would be the only logical explanation? I'll start the thread on Xmas Eve but will entitle it, simply, The Christmas Chat Thread. Actually, strike that - I should ask YOU for name ideas, shouldn't I? Shoot!... (Don't worry about Lisa to the point of trying to compensate her (if that's what you're doing, of course). If she does come back, I can just move our chat to a dedicated thread PS: Needless Repetition... Don't you just hate it?

Oh no worries soulmate I'll keep an eye out and when I do see it i will engage. And yes I won't worry about LISAA.LOO until something new starts back up again. PS mom had a blank look on her face and was just staring into space yesterday

All conditions lessen and worsen and back again (up, down, up, down...). You just caught her on a bad day and obviously hadn't ever done so before because those days are rare. But she recognises you *and* remembers your pet name. That's pretty good going, I'd have thought? Would you like to start a thread in order to vent out all your worries and concerns and I could join you over there? PS: If it helps, I've already lost both parents - both illnesses having a long and wearing run-up so I do know first-hand what you're going through and how drip-drip traumatising and very un-anchoring it is?

That sounds a good idea as she's on the decline again. ;-(

Okay, I'll keep an eye out for it. I know it's hard to trust what I'm about to say, but ('to know the road ahead, ask those coming back') - I promise you, you yourself will, to your own surprise, be absolutely *fine* after she's gone (whether she goes head- or body-first) and you're done grieving for her. So just concentrate on her and your remaining time with her, including accompanying her as often as possible down Memory Lane, not just to help her stay lucid for longer but also to give yourself extra, new memories both past and past-to-be. The good news is this: it's loved-ones who always experienced a *difficult or antagonistic* relationship with the person concerned that tend to have the hard time getting through the grieving period. Where a parent and child were close and harmonious, on the same wavelength, like you and she - the griever tends to find it surprisingly easy going. No need for spending years chasing mentally after an understanding and closure that's no longer available, innit. So the fact that you and your mum are so incredibly close automatically excludes you from that hell-on-a-stick. Once verbal communication is off the menu, switch to communication via vocal tone, hand-to-hand contact, cuddles, lovely scents - especially favourite, past perfumes that she used to wear - and listening to joint favourite music together (music and aromas are *very* evocative when it comes to triggering buried or elusive memories; just ask any ex, they'll tell ya). Hope that helps for now, anyway.

Soulmate I'm sorry if I keep using this thread but I'm afraid that I get a D- when it comes to submitting my own thread. A little bit of encouragement I talked to A CNA tonight at the assisted living wing. She said that my mother ate 50% of her food so I feel a bit better now. I'll give it a go on the thread again today I totally messed up the other one

Okay, but are you still up to running the Xmas thread (I was going to start it up for you today in readiness for tomorrow)?

You bet! Hopefully tomorrow won't be busy, I'm thinking it won't be.

Great stuff, I'll start it now. :-)

Oh, and I forgot to say, earlier (sorry - too much on at the mo)... excellent news about your mum! You can't argue with an appetite, can you. :-) See you on the Xmas Party thread...