Detailed instructions on socialising for an idiot....

I've been a nerd all my life. I watch movies, play games, build robots, play "man" sports like Airsoft. I spend my time watching videos on YouTube or chatting with other nerds from school, or those I'm just friends with (a total of 2 are girls and I rarely chat with either outside school (if at all)). Now you know me, a social wreck who lives I his man cave most days of the week. I do work at an Ice rink and chat with "the lads" (They're just type of men), and they have accepted the fact I don't know what "socialise" means. My since of humour is good! But it requires a nerd to understand it OR the jokes are just so f***ing terrible they're laughable and would make most want to cry inside... (please excuse my German). I do however play the Oboe, and that's where the other side of my f***ed up personality lives. Musicians of Orchestral instruments quite simply have strange personalities, that's a given. But the problem still holds. I was at what most people would call "a camp" for a week reversing with what is effects the highest standard youth orchestra in Ireland. 2 really funny and nice girls were there who actively tried to socialise with me, and I just failed, I noticed by day 2 that they were the ones trying NOT ME :D!!!!! and I failed that... 7 months latter Ive messaged one a week after, but effects haven't talked with them since. Now you can get an appreciation for how sad my social life with girls, ladies, women is... Ive been rated to a very high standard of manners. basicaly I will go out of my way to be a Gentleman, if it means I lend my coat to a girl and get drenched. Ive done it multiple times, but nothing came of it. Well my little problem is causing a painful problem. There's 1 girl I would love to just, sit down, and talk with, all day. Id be happy with that. I've known her since first year (5 years and a month...). but I know so little about her. She's now head girl and a successful hockey player, she gets greats grades like myself and has great personality, and I can't even bother my hole to say "hi" to her withought s***ing myself. I'm not really "aroused" npby girls, I've been actually compared to Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" before. I'm asexual, and have never masturbated (most people don't believe me, I don't care, I don't see the point in it). Before you ask, yes I went through puberty a while ago. So now I'd like to ask, how in the name of Christ do I force my sorry as to actually say something to her? I don't even know what to talk about, how to "create" a conversation. I understand the physiology of asking a question which can't be answered with yes or no, I understand it's best to make them talk to you and to listen. I don't understand "how" do I do that, and "what" do I do to do that... This may seem like a lot, but it's been killing me for 2 years and my best friend who isn't a nerd really doesn't know what to do with me :/ I just would like some detailed instructions on what to do. I think I'm most worried I'll f*** it all up and blow my chances for ever...

Secret, undercover nerd, here, pleased to meet you! Pretend you're a TV news or talkshow interviewer and just keep asking questions and off-shoot questions all about her (and her friends and interests), starting with whatever sticks out about her like a sore thumb and/or whatever she seems most proud of. Do that until you just find yourself naturally answering the minute she feels 'guilty' and starts asking some back. OR be honest, say (with a grin), 'Hi, I've been wanting to come and chat with you for ages - not least because I note you (example) always wear such cool and individual-looking shoes!, but, just to warn you, I'm not really a talker, I'm more a listener...but I'll do my best (you can mark me out of 10 if you like? ha-ha)'. That then puts the onus on her to be "the talker" of the twosome and already has provided a cover for any awkward silences (whereupon you say 'ha-ha - that's what I'm talking about!'). Or you could say, 'It's ridiculous that - all these years and I've never even once stopped to say two words to you?! Mind if I do now?' It's good that you're naturally witty, therefore, as no human that isn't relaxed has much of a sense of humour so it helps to convince others you're relaxed as well as relaxes you in the process. PS: What's wrong with being a nerd? What would this world do without them? Just as, to write a successful, i.e. attractive, book you have to talk about what you know, so too do you have to embrace and show pride in what you 'are' to be a successful, attractive *human* story (on-legs). If you know that's what you 'are' then why aren't you cruising, romantically, amongst your female counterparts or 'nerd-compatibles'? Don't you realise there are 'you with t*ts' out there, as such who'd LOVE 'themselves with a w*lly'? Although I should add that only women who are ripe and ready for a relationship that could go anywhere would embrace rather than find/create any excuse to wriggle away from a 'perfect' match/the instigator of one. A ripe 'n ready will LOVE your corny jokes, just because she'll be looking for a consciously discernible, articulate-able excuse to justify to herself (and later on, others) why your vibe, demeanour and mannerisms (, actually) strike such a chord with her, so will blame it (wholly or partially) on that or whatever else is more instantly obvious. PPS: Try masturbating as an experiment (three separate occasions, therefore), see what results (scuse pun). It might go quite a way to unlocking and activating a side of you that is present but dormant. You'd be surprised the difference it could make. Because right now, all that's powering you is your conscious needs and desires, ergo every interaction *is* going to be purely Spock- rather than Kirk-like (or, best of all, a nice mixture of the two). See what I'm saying? There's no "phwooar!" factor in the mix, ergo that psychological finger of yours isn't pressing the button in their minds as activates their own "phwooar!" programme to 'run' (which is how deaf mutes manage - think about it!), meaning, they come away thinking you weren't interested in that way and probably don't have a vacancy for just another friend. PPPS: No such thing as blowing your chances forever. Every new person is a new opportunity, plus there will always (ALWAYS) be, as Adele puts it, SOMEONE LIIIKE YOOOOOOOOU (her, this girl). Worrying is therefore futile and a total waste of energy. You've got to (GOT TO) be prepared to fail/lose and feel you'll be okay with that in order to succeed/win at anything - fact. This girl isn't your squeeze. If she remains not your squeeze, you've lost NOTHING. That's not 'failure', is it. It's a success of an attempt (and practise makes perfect). Or as Mary Pickford put it, This thing we call failure is not the falling down but THE STAYING DOWN. PPPP(PPPP)S: you work at an ice-rink. She's into hockey. You can get ice-hockey match or after-match gala tickets, can you not? Ask her about why she loves hockey so much and what about her she thinks makes her so skilled at it, and then slide into the conversation the fact you've got two tickets (or would like to attend and could get them but, bar her, don't know anyone who's into hockey of whatever kind) and you love watching skaters but don't know a thing about hockey - "would she..?". Let her see you spotting her and her team playing hockey prior to asking. Hope that helps.

In fact, thinking about it some more, that would be your best 'in'. If you ensure she notices you 'studying' the game/her team before you approach, you can tell her you stood and watched because you thought you'd be able to work out the game rules for yourself, but - no such luck, would she mind explaining them to you, including the off-side rules blah-blah? And then, when the convo's taken off, you explain WHY (tickets) you wanted them explaining to you...and so on and so forth. (50p, please. :-))