Trust issues and resentment

I have been struggling with my own personal issues ever since I was a child. My attempts to reassess myself always seem to fall short of my own fears of extreme heart ache and social interaction. I have progressed with my issues slightly but I feel my own issues are now affecting my relationships in adulthood. I have been hurt so many times before and have been used for either emotional or sexual enjoyment rather than them making an effort to see what makes me happy. Yes, I love making people happy but I can't trust them to stick around or love me the ways I love them. I have made my own share of mistakes and feel at times the horrible things that happens to me are due to what I did as a teenager... I let things happen and am too nice to be assertive. Now I have allowed things to catch up to me and all the pain I have held back has come to the surface. I can't trust the person I love currently to love me and stay with me...I want to make love but when I remember how many times I was used or convinced into anything I start to become distant and do not want to be touched. It hurts...I wake up having nightmares of him going away saying he never loved me at all... How can someone love someone who can't trust anyone to be close to them... I am a pretty open person but I am distant with my own feelings... What can I do?...Do I need help?...

You would benefit so much from therapy. It sounds like you have a lot of issues you're wrestling with and talking to a therapist regularly could help you break through some of your blocks. It really helps me. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help you let go of your self defeating beliefs. You are beating yourself up about things that are in the past. "Be Here Now." You can't change the past, but you can learn from it and use it to better yourself. You were doing the best you could in the moment with what you knew then. Forgive yourself constantly. I still cringe when I think about stupid things I did as a teenager and that was 20 years ago.

I have thought about this but my family assures me there is simply nothing wrong with me to have to go see a professional... However, there are some things I never told my family that has happened to me and want to keep it that way. I want to not be afraid and miserable but I can't afford the help I need on my own...

Your beautiful just the way you are. The biggest battle you will ever face in life is the battle with the person inside you, not the person across from you. In times like these, the best thing to do is surround yourself with good people. Don't be afraid to reach out to a friend and ask for help. Tell them what you are feeling and you will be surprised who will step up. You probably shouldn't be in a relationship right now. It sounds like you need to come to grips with some of your own issues and that is perfectly healthy. Have a great day blissfulangel and keep your head up.

Therapists are available on a sliding scale, so if you're low income, it may be very inexpensive. Have you looked into self-help books? A lot of people that go to therapy are outwardly successful and happy people. Journaling can help too. Writing it down can be cathartic and help you let it go or move through it all.