Severe depression and anxiety: I am becoming toxic to everyone

This isn't much of a normal thread... What I need is someone to listen... To me. I feel like each day I am being stabbed in the heart with thousands of daggers. I get fevers from the mental strain. I cry at randoms hours of the day and night because of my own misery. It is my own personal torture. I will tell you a bit about myself... So maybe you can understand and help me...somehow. Or maybe you just need to hear me out... I am a 21 year old woman. I am an artist, a gamer, a hard-worker. But I suffer from thoughts that haunt me on a daily basis. I remember the bullying, the physical abuse from so-called friends and family. The verbal abuse that makes me hate myself to this very day and second guess who I am and what I think. The...sexual assaults... I can't have a healthy way of thinking in relationships. My family is basically just people that I see when I leave or go to the kitchen. My friends...I cant trust myself to tell them my pain because I think I will worry them or they will walk away from me... The person I am with... I cant even trust him. I had so many attempts of suicide as a child all the way through adulthood. Maybe this is normal feelings in some ways to people but this is literally making me ill emotionally, mentally, and physically. I cant sleep. I lose my appetite and forget eating at times. I forget what I do half the time even when I am in the middle of something. I lose myself... I feel alone... I dont want to die but at the same time I do. I dont understand my own issues because I was never sent anywhere... I kept my issues to myself from family. Only two people know of my suicide attempts in my family but they assure me I am ok. I dont feel that way...

BlissfulAngel, I am so sorry for how you're feeling and trust me when I say you're not alone. Have you ever considered therapy and/or antidepressants? I have done both and I believe that's why I'm still here.

If you don't have insurance, try googling sliding scale places. Therapy is great. They listen to you. I have tried to talk to friends, but it always gets turned in to a conversation about them and I'm left hanging with so much more to say and my problems still unresolved. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for 15 years now. Getting on antidepressants is the smartest thing I've done. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. You've already done the most important part and realize you are having problems and it's too much. Wanting to get better and feel "normal", doing something about it, that takes strength and I believe you have it in you

Antidepressants... My family rejects any form of medication for me... I am afraid I will end up like my half brother who was diagnosed and placed on medications that made his mental state worse... I dont know how to explain to anyone that things are horrible for me. I can try to find therapy but I dont even know where to start that is affordable... No one listens to me either. I tell them and they do the exact same thing or get upset that my thoughts are so negative about them, others, and even myself.

Google sliding scale therapists. I was able to find a place not too far from me that had grad students working for their degree that would be my therapist but they were supervised by a licensed therapist. And I know there's that stigma about antidepressants but sometimes our brains just don't produce enough seratonin and that's what will help. It did take me a while to find the right combination of meds, but now that I've found what works for me, I'm a lot happier. You can always ask for a new therapist if you don't feel comfortable. You're an adult and it's very hard for other people to understand depression unless they've gone through it themselves. You take care of YOU!