Motivation to change

Hello all I'm new. I want to get things out. I'm 29 living at home working part time and overweight. I used to be in shape but I let myself go because I been in mental hospitals the last 5 years. I been clean from pot and drinking for 2 years because I been locked up in hospitals. I miss it and I know that's dumb. I feel unmotivated to do anything, I barely workout and I'm not seeing any results just more weight gained because of my poor eating habits. I'm feeling suicidal I think, I'm not sure how suicide works, but I just don't want to live anymore, I have no plans on hurting myself. It's just a thought that I'll be better off dead. I want to cry but I can't. I was in a Mexican Anexo, rehab kind of like a Mexican prison, and I'm traumatized, I was a kid whos never been to jail, and I learned the ugly side of prison life there; since everyone there was deported pretty much. I'm not sure where I'm going with this post I just hate my life so much and cant get around to start studying to prepare to go back to college one day. I need help guys thanks,

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling the way you're feeling. I've been there before too, which is hard to admit for some reason. I'm 29 too, I think it's a weird place for us, where we're realizing how different we thought our lives would be, it's the first time we feel like we have enough life to look back on. I know how you're feeling, like I said, I have those periods off and on, but what helped me, was realizing how much stronger my story was becoming, how much more meaningful my life had become, because I'd gone through so much more. Our lives, the people we are become stronger when we let them grow as they're supposed to. I spent a lot of time wondering how these things could have really happened to me, which is crazy, because it makes it hurt more, until you realize that you're not a victim, these things happened to you because you're a fighter! Some people have more life in them, and some people are going to have more interesting stories than others, so they can do something important with it, maybe you are one of those people. You will get through this, & your life will be so much stronger than it was before, because you'll be able to look back and know that you have been through worse in the past, and almost anything that comes next, will be something you can handle. --"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and smarter. Have a Merry Christmas, try to rest this year, you deserve time to yourself, it's the only way to learn from our past and grow from our pain <3