Am I an idiot??

My husband has announced he wants a divorce. Be suvveiwe remain living together until our youngest graduates and we finalize everything. He has a girlfriend that works for our business. He's on the phone with her constantly, buying expensive gifts and "socializing" with ber, but claims nothing sexual. This is his 2nd affair. I am a recovering addict (pain pills) & he's decided he can't forgive me so he wants out to pursue happiness. It hurts even though he been mentally abusive for 20 years - I love him.

Look for a CODA agency to get help.

i agree with beepond, get help for yourself, and from as many organisations that might help you try to sort out different things (I'm thinking of solicitor maybe or c.a.b. or Samaritans whatever or whoever may help also). I must admit I don't know what a "CODA agency" is hence my general suggestions to you for help. I am sure you love him, (a lot of people in abusive relationships do say this a lot) but you are also addicted to what you think this man can offer you in terms of pervcieved love. there is nothing that you have said that suggests that he actually LOVES YOU!!!! sorry if that sounds unfair?: but it isn't love to be treated in this way by someone. ok, so he says it is not sexual with this other person, so if it isn't it isn't (whether it is or not is not really the biggest issue here from all you are dealing with re pills re-hab ect...). but the fact is he is making you miserable and has offered you a permenant split is something that he wants now or has thought about. if I were you I would take the divorce he is offering you and look at the bright side of this (if you can call it that), you have been offered a divorce and whatever you say, deep down all of this is making you very unhappy! not everyone that is out there is that lucky when they have been stuck in abusive relationships (of whatever level of abuse it is), to be offered a way out of it by their partners, and the longer it goes on for some, power gets way out of control and sometimes to the detriment of the persons mental wellbeing and health and in some cases tragically its a question of someone losing their "life" literally! it already sounds as though many different bits of your psychological self are getting damaged by one thing or another. but with the right people helping you, you may start to see things a bit more clearly in time and not with everyday dependency, habit or rose coloured glasses. if he loved you he wouldn't be offering a divorce surely. you've made a start by speaking up on here so good for you for finding the courage to say a bit of what is going on for you, but now I think you need to take some of the stress and anxiety you must have off your shoulders and talk things through with professionals; they will be able to advise you to your specific needs and hopefully you will be able to open up fully in time about what has really gone on, how you've felt etc...crying is maybe what you need as a first release to open up to a professional and confidential listener who has the experience and capacity to really help you get through this tough time. it may not be easy and may take a long time, but its got to be better than what you are feeling now and are desperately hopping for (but I think deep down you know isn't ever going to be fixed or make you happy the way you once were with this man). its a new year, why not give yourself a fresh start and in time give yourself the chance to meet someone who actually knows what love is for you! 20 years is a long time, too long to be treated this way. there are lots of good people out there, so don't let this situation make you turn against someone that might be better suited for you when you feel you are ready (if you ever feel ready to meet them) and when/if you do find someone you love and who loves you back no doubt they will be only to quick to show you how mutual respect and care work. only then or when you feel over this, will you realise just how much of your life you lost to this man and you just wont believe why you stayed so long with him. go on. let the new year help you make some of the important changes you know you need to make to be free of all of this heartache and burden! life and love are very precious things, too precious to be wasted on someone who has no love for you in return and who you feel has humiliated you in different ways: because they can. maybe their initial intention was not to hurt you at first, but 20 years of suffering is not something you can just keep excusing. next time you think about forcing yourself to stay so loyal to him, think about this: your partner is happy - ironically.. and you are NOT!!! this situation you are in I suspect isn't just because of you sadly. there are 2 people that got into this. I'm sorry you are in this place. love can really be so painful for people in so many different ways when it doesn't go as we hope it will. but the joy is that it is also so "wonderful" if you find it too!!!!!! good luck and let us know how things go for you if you feel able and willing. we all desearve a bit of happiness and kindness, and once your confidence and self esteem start to get stronger and return, you will be able to go forward in a much more healthy and positive way. take care. you will be happier for accepting the truth of what is going on rather than offering blind unrequited love and keep getting rejected.XXXXX