I can't stand him being around!!

A bit of history, married 25 years this year, 3 kids all still at home. 3 years ago he lost his job the day before I was diagnosed with a long term condition. He has had a few jobs but never survives the training as he knows nothing about computers. Put him on a course but he stopped after one term. He doesn't drive, Can t do DIY, doesn't do much with the kids and cannot even fix the bikes. He does do the ironing, triestries to do some housework and will walk anywhere. Work full time, run a small business and do a network marketing business. I do the DIY, I drive and I did the bikes. I take the kids out, do their home work, do the school meetings and pick the oldest up drunk. I knew some of this when we married but he is now like looking after a large child. Everything he does annoys me, every time he speaks it's like he's not living on the same planet.in May last year I got sick of home picking and choosing what jobs he applied for (I could have got him a job at my place straight away but he won't take it), I asked him to move out. He said he would once he got a job. This week I told him to move out adain as I didn't want him here. He will not leave and does not take in that I really don't want him around. I can't get through to him. I hate coming home and hate when I am off and he is around sitting watching the telly whilst I clean, entertain the kids, do the repairs. He says the most inappropriate things and sends emails to prospective employers that are really not correct. When he looses a job he blames it on the company. He is so annoying but I can't get him to leave. I feel the only alternative is for me to go, but I would want to take the kids and have no where to go. I pay all the bills but he insists everything is half his and therefore he has a right to stay. Why woukd he want to stay when 8 hardly talk to h8m apart from to criticise every thing he gets wrong. He still kisses me goodbye. How do I get him to leave or get through to him? I feel trapped and because kids get so up set if they think we are splitting up, should I try and make the best of a bad job.

Dear Friend, The best thing for you to do is to talk to him. Have a one-on-one conversation with him on how you feel. You also need to hear how he feels. Relationships are about understanding and that's what you need to do. What would you want him to do if you were in his shoes?

I'm not sure on how to make him leave but if you know for sure your done and he's not changing then I would file for divorce. If he cannot support himself he won't get the kids. You say the kids get upset when they think you're separating but I know kids bounce back pretty well and will be ok. You deserve to be happy so focus on you, the kids and where you're future is going.

I have spoke to him and he says he knows how I feel and he knows I hate coming home but there is nothing he can do until he gets a job. But he then says he is suffering too because he can't afford to go out or buy new clothes. He then asked me if I would run him down to an interview in Oldham on a Saturday when I am off!! 149 miles away from where we live!! He then walked off as he always does. His attitude is that he can't fix it so he's not going to discuss it. I feel trapped and have no where to go. My eldest never comes home as she thinks his behaviour is "strange" and the other two stay in their rooms or go everywhere with me. He goes on if nothing is wrong and when something breaks down or needs replacing he just looks at me as if to say "sort it then". Recently I couldn't afford to sort it, so he just rang up and paid it, leaving no money in the account for food and petrol! It's like having a grown up child. I am now struggling to meet the mortgage payments after 3 years of doing it on my own and therefore take it once we lose the house we will go our separate ways - would do it sooner but he refused to agree to put house up for sale. My hands are totally tied and I find myself crying all the time. Maybe it's me who needs medical help? I once had a partner who helped me out as best he could but now I feel so alone.

Pack his stuff and set it out. Change the locks. You don't need him. As you have said...he does not contribute. It would cost you less if he was gone.You would not be paying for water, electricity or food that he is using and eating. He is using you and is not going to stop until you make him stop. The tension in the home must be high. It would be more relaxing for you and your children if he was not there

I thought he was depressed - not much fun being out of work for so long and it took me ages to get him to gp. Kids eventually convinced him. He went sat a test and was offered counselling (which he turned down as he knows counsellors - the legal type) doctor said he was midly depressed and have him tablets. He was to take for a month and go back. He took the month, said he was feeling much better and refused to go back. He has two brothers who he never sees and he is a lawyer, hence why he won't move out as "he knows his rights - the house is half his". It's the Easter hols and I would rather be at work.

Being genuinely depressed is a daily nightmare you can't wake up from, in which case, the sufferer usually can't WAIT to be handed whatever means for some respite/management/cure! *Kids* had to persuade (you mean nag) him? Paying lip-service only or going only fleetingly through the motions just to shut you up? There's no such thing as 'making an effort' if said effort is STUNTED. He may know his 'rights' but according to him he hasn't got a CLUE about his moral and paternal *DUTIES*! Madam, you need to arrange an initial consultation (some offer them for free) with a family law solicitor toute suite. He's only "MILDLY depressed". That's diplomatic GP speak for, 'suspected but non-provable malingerer'. TraumaQueen said it all - he's using you (under myriad ridiculous excuses) and will do so until you find a way to make him stop. On which note... ...I doubt VERY much that any professional peer of his, whose passion lays exclusively with protecting the health and sanity of future generations and/via their primary/solely HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL CAPABLE keeper (you), would look favourably on him and his abuse of his own knowledge and qualifications *as* a (so-called) professional to behave toward his own spouse like a Grade A Passive-Aggressive BULLY!...in which case, on appointment of said solicitor and legal firm, this'll cease being you versus him and instead, him versus his moral and self-enthusiastically-exerted superior(s). Which is just a fancy way of saying, said solicitor will be thinking, 'What a walking, 'merchant-banker' insult to our sacred profession, lemmie stick it to him goooood, teach him a lesson he'll never forget!'. I doubt whichever family law magistrate that resides will think very fondly of him, either. Oh, dear. Poor him. He knows not what he does. :-) If he wants a reconciliation at any time, however, by stepping back up, he can ensure to get his "depression" treated so as to make himself once more (*you sure???) marriage- and parent-worthy before the Decree Absolute hits, can't he. *RSvP?

(Sorry - my P dropped off! - whichever magistrate PRESIDES.)

Can I just say that you are all giving him credit as if he knows what he is doing and is carrying on like this on purpose. He has absolutely no idea how everyone in the house feels. Even though I have had many a talk with him, he does not take it in and simply thinks that as soon as he gets job everything will be OK, but since he can't get a job there is nothing he can do about anything. He doesn't think I am serious when I ask him to move out. Today we talked and I told him again that I can't forgive him for putting us through this and he told me I knew that he couldn't do anything when I married him so all that has changed is that he does not have a job, but he is trying to fix that. I just can't get through to him and he is not prepared live on the streets. What do I Do? I can't throw him out onto the streets, he has no income, but I can't live with him either. Today my eldest told me she was moving out and no longer paying board to force her father to do something about it. Totally disagree with her reasoning but understand why she needs to move on. I will keep going for the family and my georgeous girls and hopefully one day it will sort itself out.