Last chance to have a child

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and have been trying to have a child for about 4 years with no luck. It is late in the game for us as she is mid 40`s and I`m mid 50`s. We have tried everything, from sex every day of the month, to only on the "important" days, to intrauterine insemination, done it all. Our age is extremely likely to be the cause of not getting pregnant, according to the OB. However, she still makes plenty of eggs, and my sperm is perfectly healthy according to all the tests. 2 times the sperm and egg were mated successfully through IUI, but failed to make it to the next stage. We both want the child more than anything. She has WORKED SO HARD to have this baby, those of you who have been through fertility stuff know that it is 24/7/365 with tiny rays of hope and crashing letdowns. On top of that the hormone medications for the 3 IUIs she did had terrible painful side effects. I couldn`t bear to see her in that pain anymore and we both decided to stop that method. We stopped the IUIs and just decided to forget about it, and just be sure to have sex on the important days, and if we get lucky, we get lucky. We have been much happier since we made that decision. Unfortunately, her periods could end any time now, and it could really be over. Coming to grips with that is extremely hard for both of us, and she is handling it better than I am. She is not into adoption, and I am only slightly into it. I think a great option would be a surrogate. My sperm are plenty healthy and so are her eggs. Our only chance left is to put my sperm and her eggs into a healthy woman. For some illogical reason, she is not into a surrogate AT ALL. She said carrying the child is an important joy for a woman. I get it. I get it. But it`s that or no child...She is more ready to go childless-forever-even though it was her biggest dream to have a child ever since she was a teen, just because she doesn`t want another woman carrying her child. I don`t get that at all, but women have strange outlooks when it comes to their bodies that I don`t think men (or at least I) don`t understand. There are so many pluses to having a surrogate ON TOP of getting OUR OWN baby when it`s done. Even so, my wife won`t hear of it, hence my problem. How do I get her to change her mind on this issue before she stops making eggs? Am I missing something? Thank you!

Dear SST Special, The desire to have your own child is powerful. It is difficult for someone not in your position to fully appreciate this strong parental desire, and therefore hard to appreciate the struggle when such a normal and strong desire is not satisfied. Couple this with the reality that so many babies and children go without parents who will love them, nurture them and raise them. This not only seems unfair, but also unreasonable. Yet, your comment related to your question, “How do I get her to change her mind” is your view of her “Illogical reason”. Much of this situation is not in the realm of logic, but in the realm of emotions. Your strong desire for a baby is highly emotional, but logic seems to open up a potential means to an end which involves the physical use of another woman and womb. Your response to the adoption option seems also fraught with negative emotions. And your wife’s response to the surrogate option also seems to contain a lot of emotion. So addressing this strictly through a logical process seems limited in understanding. Therefore, trying to change her mind using logic is likely not going to be effective, nor will insinuating she is being illogical be helpful. Changing another person’s mind, especially a spouse, is challenging, even more so when it involves such an emotional commitment. One does wonder if she may also be thinking, “How can I change his mind?” Who will be willing to change their own mind? Who will be the one to look at the relationship you have, give thanks and look forward to a life together? I pray that the hope for a baby and chance it won’t happen will not be a wedge driven between you and your wife, but that it may become a struggle, a crucible, through which you can grow together. And, if by some miracle, you have a child, even more reason to celebrate! I will pray for you two and a blessed outcome. Tim R