He has another child he never knew about...

Please be kind as I am already at my wits end!! My husband found out he has a 15 year old daughter in February and it came as a massive shock!! She was born before we were together but it still hurts. We have 4 kids together, 3 boys and a girl, and it was just us and we had this family we made together and there was no one else. Now it feels like this woman of his child and his daughter have invaded on that. He wants to know the child and he messages her but it hurts me when he does. I don't want to deny him his child but I can't help but feel sad about it all. All I wanted was him to have a daughter and our last child is a girl. Now he has another daughter and it feels like she is less special to him. I am so angry at the mother of his child because she kept this from him, from us, from our family for so long! She told him the week of my birthday. He didn't tell me til a day after my birthday, before he went back to work. He told me an hour or two before bed and expected me to just process it straightaway and go to sleep. I didn't sleep for over 24 hours and had kids to look after the next day. I have twin babies btw!! He said he didn't wanna ruin my birthday but him telling me just after ruined anything that went before anyway. I still can't trust him. I just think he is always keeping something from me. Anyway this woman said she kept it from him cause he smoked weed and drank when they saw eachother and didn't like his lifestyle. May I add he was 18!! It didn't stop her getting into bed with him and dropping her knickers and not even using protection though did it? Anyway, she said that she got into contact for his medical history. His daughter has glue ear and a little bit of eczema. His daughter has had glue ear for years and only now has she decided to message and she has had eczema about a year. I just feel there is more to it than that. Apparently his daughter doesn't get on with her step dad and has never called him dad and he has been around years. Also the mum said she had troubles with him so I think she just wanted to get back at her husband. Also may I add she never told anyone she was making contact. Not her daughter or husband. Who does that before they get consent from their child?!! I wouldn't. It is wrong. He has been messaging this girl as he can't see her yet as she lives a few miles away. It doesn't stop it from feeling like there is this extra thing in his life that I am not a part of. I never pursued men who had children because I knew I wouldn't like it. I just wanted a family with a guy who didn't have any other responsibilities like that. Now he does and I just don't think I can handle it. The more contact he has the more I feel upset. He always used to call me and our daughter his girls and now our first child isn't his first child. It makes me wanna cry. All those memories feel tainted now. The mum of the daughter keeps messaging my husband too. She keeps sending him school reports of his daughter and about her hospital appointments!! He has only just found out and barely knows his daughter and she is treating him like he has been there from day 1. I said if she was gonna send him anything shouldn't it be old pictures or old drawings she did...etc. This bothers me because our daughter has had problems from birth. She has hypertonia (floppy baby syndrome), glue ear, sight problems, club foot, weight issues (underweight) and speech problems. They want her to have an MRI cause they think she has brain damage or something on the brain. I feel his focus should be on our daughter and not this other daughter that he doesn't even know. I just feel like it is all on me to be there for my kids cause he is distracted by this new child. He shouts at our kids when naughty and seems annoyed by them. He is all nice to this new girl. It pees me off. Not our daughter either but he doesn't treat her as affectionately as before. He used to call her is one and only girl. I loved seeing them together but now it just makes me wanna cry. Anyway I just don't think I can deal and don't think I ever will. I don't think I can be with him anymore and feel the same as I did before about him. I always think what are they talking about, has this mum sent him anymore messages...etc I don't wanna feel like this anymore and if that means ending it I may have to. I'd rather be unhappy alone than unhappy together.

Wow, there is a lot to unpack here. But let me give it a try. I understand that you feel betrayed and bewildered with this new information about the person that you thought you knew so well. I think it is rational and fair to feel that your family has been forever changed. It will never be what you thought it was, and this “oneness” you had, is now being shared with someone that was not invited. Or as you put it, you have been invaded. Sadness is fitting and crying is appropriate. I sense that despite this new revelation and if you can accept this change, you would choose to keep your family intact. I am also going to assume your husband would do the same. This attitude should make an excellent jumping off point for reconciliation and restoration. In order to accomplish this, you will need to identify a few things. Begin by identifying your values in life and more importantly, prioritize them. This may appear to be a simple thing to do, but it should be done without emotions. For example, is it your family, marriage, faith, your happiness, emotional stability, love, money, etc? Next identify, specifically, what the conflict is that you need to resolve. This also, may be more challenging than you think. Is it about your happiness, your children’s, or your husband’s? How much anger may be influencing this conflict…..sadness? Will this anger or any emotion be temporary or permanent? The decision you make, may be. This is when you must refer to your stated values. Once the problem is properly indentified, you can determine all possible solutions and consequence with these solutions. The potential consequences need to reflect the positive as well as the negative. Finally, after being object with this information you make a courageous decision. I can’t guarantee it will be the right decision, but it will be the best decision at the time based on the energy and faith you put into your conclusion. This process can be daunting but the beliefs, principles, and people that are in play here, will be worth the effort. I would love to critique this process with you if you are so inclined to share your process for feedback. I will leave you with a final thought. Having perfect relationships in our home is something we all strive for. However, because we are all imperfect, we will at times experience conflict with those we know and even those we love. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.