How to change?

I always find my self alone and distant. I push people away and don't try with people. I find it hard to socialise with people, I'm okay with it. But most of the time with a blank face. I can't fake emotions, I don't care enough. People pretend to care and do face expressions. But I feel sliy doing that and think it's being sarcastic as I don't care. I keep to myself. I'm scared of doing anything. Scared to ask for help, scared of failing but fail anyway. Hate talking on the phone. I have only one friend that's it. I sometimes shut her out and she gets angry with me. I don't really tell people about my life or how I feel. Even in school I had friends but didn't really know me. As I wouldn't talk about my family much. I sometimes feel nothing or too much. My attitude is that I don't care. Not bothered by much. I have no one to talk. Literally no one and sometimes it hard and lonely. I sometimes talk to my mum or my friend. But i always get the impression that their bored or don't care. So I don't try, what's the point? I always listen to others. But there's no one to listen to me. First time I ask for my friend support as I was depressed and crying 4 days straight. She gave me a paragraph of her saying she would always be there for me and never leave me. The next day we went out and spoke about work etc. Then she spoke about her self and how good life is. I don't know if she forgot but how selfish. I felt like shit and she's telling me how fantastic her life is. Wtf. We only been friends for a year and fiirst time reaching out. I know it's hard for her as I don't open up and ask for help when I need it. I feel like I'm only friends with her because I'm comfortable and have no one else. Most of the time I feel like what's the point. Its the same day over and over again it never ends. I'm tired of trying. Tired of feeeling like rubbish. I'm good at dealing with it and storing it away. Make myself busy and forget. I come home and watch TV I don't do anything else don't really have social life I don't have activities I do nothing. Watch tv I don't have to feel much when watching tv. I sometimes wish I live in a movie Because it seems so easy and there's always a happy ending . I don't see a future I see a dead end. I feel like this would isn't for me, maybe the next. My life isn't bad enough to kill myself. I couldn't as There's too much responsibility. Some one has to deal with my stuff and see me how ever I go. I couldn't do that to anyone. If there's a way to go without damaging anyone or too much work to do than I would. This just isn't for me. But I'll live the same day over and over again. Only me can change that but I don't how.

So you feel disconnected from the world. I have a hard time imagining that you always were like that. Have you had a great deal of stress (social isolation, bullying, traumatic events) in your life? To me it sounds half like you do not want to care so that you will not feel betrayed, disappointed etz. The other half sounds like you just don't have the energy left to really connect with people. I think your friend can sense that and is worried about you. That would be the missdirected attempt to cheer you up with how good life is. Maybe your friend do not have the insight or knowledge to help you. I feel that I dont have enough information to help you properly. What is currently going on in your life? What is your life history?