Parents don’t respect boundaries
I’m in my mid 30s and until last year I was extremely close with my parents. I found out that my mom was hiding several crucial things from my brother and I for years which led me to lose my trust with her. I have since backed off completely and only communicate or see them a few times a month. Both my parents try to guilt into feeling bad and that I should just get over it. It makes me not what to talk to them at all but I feel torn. Any advice as to how to gain that respect of boundaries and minimize them making those type of comments?
Whatever has happened it has made you loose trust and has changed how you feel towards your mum/parents. These feelings are real, you can’t ignore them because it’s changed your relationship with your mum and dad.
It sounds like your parents are trying to sweep things under the rug, or think your holding a grudge or too sensitive (it doesn’t sound like you are) and they want to move on and forget about about it. But that’s not taking your feelings into consideration.
The fact that you were close before is probably making you feel even more guilty. When they do try the guilt tripping I would try to shut that down as soon as they start. Really they should be trying to win your trust back.
Counselling or talking about it on here will help even if they are not willing to talk about it with you.
Sounds like this is a recent event that happened to change your feelings about your parents. Still, there is a good family relationship foundation that can’t be denied.
And there is a disconnect in the importance of the reason for this withholding of “crucial things” from you and your brother. They may think these things are not “crucial” enough to break apart the family.
Do they know how you feel? Do you understand or know their motives for them doing what they did? All this can be discussed in a safe environment in front of a family counselor. Find a family counselor , develop a relationship and then ask your parents to join in at the sessions.
PS You mention your mother’s role. Was your father also aware?