My dad is scaring me and i don't know what to do

So my mom and dad have been arguing a lot lately. My dad has also been getting more and more aggressive. He's been saying stuff about not being respected as a man or husband. Today I really thought he was going to hurt me because he was walking towards me and screaming about how he needs me to see how bad their marriage is. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'm kinda scared. But on the other, my dad hasn't actually hurt me and he's back to normal right now and acting nice. I'm worried about reaching out because I don't want to seem like I'm overreacting and for people to think I'm fucking crazy. And I don't feel like I'm in danger at all anymore. But he said a lot of misogynistic shit to my mom and that makes me pretty worried. And it's so weird cause now they're acting like everything's normal and they're getting counseling to help their marriage. I'll probably reach out to a counselor from school but I need other opinions on this because I'm just so lost.

"...screaming about how he needs me to see how bad their marriage is." 1) It is not your job to understand how bad your parents' marriage is, and 2) you are powerless to aid them. This is abusive. You weren't specific about your father's comments, but that's wrong, too. Parents should try to build each other up, back each other up, show respect for one another (especially in front of the kids, so the children respect both of them!) Of course, there are circumstances where parents are abusive, absent, etc, but EVEN THEN, knowing a child is 50% the 'other parent,' bad-mouthing is generally considered poor form. REaching out to a counselor at school sounds like a good idea.

Hey Syndia, "So my mom and dad have been arguing a lot lately. My dad has also been getting more and more aggressive. He's been saying stuff about not being respected as a man or husband. Today I really thought he was going to hurt me because he was walking towards me and screaming about how he needs me to see how bad their marriage is. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'm kinda scared. But on the other, my dad hasn't actually hurt me and he's back to normal right now and acting nice. I'm worried about reaching out because I don't want to seem like I'm overreacting and for people to think I'm fucking crazy. And I don't feel like I'm in danger at all anymore. But he said a lot of misogynistic shit to my mom and that makes me pretty worried. And it's so weird cause now they're acting like everything's normal and they're getting counseling to help their marriage. I'll probably reach out to a counselor from school but I need other opinions on this because I'm just so lost." Please would you go into detail - for example, not feeling respected: for what reasons - did he specify? Ditto regarding 'a lot' of misogynistic sh*t? Has he apologised to you for getting all out of hand, verbally abusive to and in front of you, and physically intimidating? Nope, you're not crazy. It was indeed an abusive incident. However, for him to be considered AN abusive father (rather than out-of-his-tree with panic and desperation) it would have to be a pervasive pattern. Has that kind of thing ever happened before? If yes, how often per month/6months/year?

1. He yelled to my mom about not feeling respected as a man and husband. He's also said some stuff before about how women can't understand what it's like to be a man. Some stuff about how they need to be more understanding. It wouldn't be as strange if he said it calmly but he's always says this stuff while yelling and it freaks me out. He just has a pretty conservative attitude when it comes to things and it's really comes out when my parents argue. 2. Yes, he's apologized. It just doesn't seem like he even realized he was being physically intimidating, and neither of my parents mentioned it. 3. It doesn't happen too often. I mean, he does have smaller aggressive outbursts. Sometimes it's about me wearing the same clothes too many times or little things like that. But every once in a while, maybe 2-4 months, he just gets so pent up and won't stop screaming at me. For example, when he was upset about me stuttering. Now, I'd been having problems with this for a bit now and he'd gotten kind of angry at me because I wouldn't see a speech therapist. But one time when I did it he went fucking nuts. I stuttered a couple times and he just exploded and got so angry, it caused me to have a panic attack in front of him. But even when I was crying, he just kept screaming about me not listening to him. Right now he's calmed down from the other incident and doing marriage counseling with my mom which might help.

Bear with...be with you tomorrow!

Maybe you can come up with other examples. "not feeling respected as a man or husband" and saying she doesn't know what it's like to be a man isn't misogynistic. He doesn't know what it's like to be a woman, right? And everyone has the option of opining they 'don't feel respected' if they honestly feel that way. All that being said: yelling and being physically intimidating is wrong. So is laying all the anger on you when you're powerless to fix the situation. Shouting at someone who stutters is abusive AND counterproductive. Angry when you won't see a therapist AND when you do IS abusive - there aren't any other options, are there?

Hi again, Syndia, Take this slowly - no rush. :) ***************************************************************** 1. He yelled to my mom about not feeling respected as a man and husband. He's also said some stuff before about how women can't understand what it's like to be a man. Some stuff about how they need to be more understanding. It wouldn't be as strange if he said it calmly but he's always says this stuff while yelling and it freaks me out. He just has a pretty conservative attitude when it comes to things and it's really comes out when my parents argue. 2. Yes, he's apologized. It just doesn't seem like he even realized he was being physically intimidating, and neither of my parents mentioned it. 3. It doesn't happen too often. I mean, he does have smaller aggressive outbursts. Sometimes it's about me wearing the same clothes too many times or little things like that. But every once in a while, maybe 2-4 months, he just gets so pent up and won't stop screaming at me. For example, when he was upset about me stuttering. Now, I'd been having problems with this for a bit now and he'd gotten kind of angry at me because I wouldn't see a speech therapist. But one time when I did it he went fucking nuts. I stuttered a couple times and he just exploded and got so angry, it caused me to have a panic attack in front of him. But even when I was crying, he just kept screaming about me not listening to him. Right now he's calmed down from the other incident and doing marriage counseling with my mom which might help. ***************************************************************** 1. Yelling is unnecessary. Most of the time. Depends on whether there's any provocation and then whether it's weighty enough, i.e. is the paddy rational and in-kilter... QUESTIONS: ...unless it's because your mum for too long doesn't let him get a word in, or just generally fails to cooperate (like, not giving him straight answers and/nor to the original question/statement posed by him)? Or behaves in ways she should change (e.g. spending frivolously?), but repeatedly refuses to or can't change ways as fast as he'd like her to? Go into more detail here for me and OM. You must have overheard quite big chunks of the 'conversation' here and there, surely? Re Respect & Understanding: If HE understood anything about WOMEN, he'd know never to yell at them (unless they're about to fall down a manhole) - ESPECIALLY not the ones that have to live with you (or you risk their having the Love bit-by-bit kicked out of them)... Firstly, you lose a bit of whatever respect (as well as love) you'd previously built up in their minds, for your inability to stay 'in-control-manly' (increasingly if it becomes your lazy "go to"). Secondly, you immediately lose or at best, overly weaken your argument, on many, many counts - for example: (i) it stresses your listener so much, they lose the ability to keep-up, concentrate properly, or correctly interpret however-much of what you're trying to say; you, meanwhile are as inarticulate as uck, making clear communication/understanding (the antidote to quarreling) even harder for yourself and them; (ii) the listener retro-tends not to believe you all that much, assumes you were just shooting-off and exaggerating wildly while upset ("as usual"), i.e. you and your objective lose credibility; (iii) and your listener ends up not WANTING to 'grant your ranty wishes' because now, and for however many days/weeks after - they don't really like you enough again or worse - if an ongoing, never-resolved issue - resent you to uck. You also lose it when you come out with outdated world and gender views (you're saying he gets chauvenistic but only during a rant, yes?) (So up his bum and round the corner on THAT one, definitely! :p) QUESTION: He's not had a great emotional tuition as a boy-into-teen, has he, about how to behave around women and generally. What are/were his father and mother like with him? How many siblings did he have? FYI, note he yelled, 'as a man and father'. Nothing about, as a Dad. So he didn't have any problem with you, personally, then? Nor women, generally?...not really?...just (dumb under-fire) unthinkingly generalIZED? QUESTIONS: was he trying to appeal to you - for validation/confidence up against your Mum (is she really good at arguing?) and/or for your support (as in, tell me I'm not the crazy one?!)? And did you fail to side with him or had indicated you'd sided with your Mum? QUESTION: for how many minutes or hours at a time can he yell and scream at you or your Mum? And does it ever scare her - do you know? If not, could you ask her? 2. Oh, he apologised - phew! Although we do of course have to see it applied in real-life, via his not repeating it. QUESTION: does he always apologise or is this a first (or best so far)? QUESTION: And towards your Mum too or just you? QUESTION: Would you say it'd been obvious from how you reacted to his verbal and physical intimidation, that he had gone far too far (for you or for anyone). If not then how is he supposed to know how intimidating he's coming over as or you're finding it (which would be equally valid)? Does your mum tell him? Have you yourself ever?....hinted?.......anything? It's unfair and pretty emotionally-neglectful, actually, that your parents have neither explained a thing as would give you the FULL 'all-clear' nor explained it for you for the sake of your sense of Closure. One, your father dragged you into it, meaning, gave you the RIGHT (ec-tually :p) to know what it was all about and how it was resolved (unless it was about something too personal, like their sex-life (soz)); and, two, your Mum must know he did so that goes for her as well. QUESTIONS: Does the thought of sitting either or both of them down to gently and matter-of-factly (show yer Dad up, hah!) tell them what you've told us, feel too intimidating? If so, tell us why. Is it a fear (now) or have past occasions not gone well and put you off? If so, do you reckon you could write them a letter? (PS are you an Only Child? And may I know how old you are?) QUESTION: When he's not upset, how does he treat you? He might just have problems controlling his anger and needs Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? That easy-peasy. OR you and your Mum can do it - with his agreement - using a little hand-bell to signal "you're getting aggressive and shouty again"? (Haha - Pavlovian-retrain the bad puppy.) 3. Oh, you have favourite clothes or forget (or prefer not) to change them? You're a teenager or very early 20s then? If not - or even if: QUESTION: do you suppose you find it comforting that your clothes have your distinct smell and/or fave perfume? So, just to confirm: it does happen often but to a far lesser (and shorter?) degree. Ok, he's definitely got a Conflict Resolution Skills-deficit. Hurrah for the Couples Counselling, then, because s/he will probably pick up on that and suggest the CBT his or herself. Fingers crossed?.... Meanwhile, however: "It doesn't happen too often."... Er... as it's never nice for the target or bystander - even 'just' once every 2 months is too often. But it's NOT just every 2 months, is it. We have the milder but still inappropriately 'over-charged' tantrum-ettes. So... QUESTION: Now tell me how often it is when you add in these milder occasions, or just whenever he becomes over-bearing and/or unreasonable/irrational towards either you or your Mum. QUESTION: Who demanded the Counselling - Dad or Mum? Or was it a joint suggestion (for being so bleedin' obvious)? Or was it the next-door-neighbour (haha). QUESTION: Do you suppose that ever since his outburst you've been coming across "different" or "just not yourself", enough that they've noticed? PS: You realise your Mum is guilty too? Where was her, running into the room and telling him off for involving you and ranting in front of you? Or at least saying/doing something to divert his attention and rage back to her. Get me? The 'quiet' one is not necessarily, automatically the Goodie. Have a look at Lily31's thread (Parents Splitting Up), somewhere near the beginning of the (giant) thread; you'll see how her parents unfairly kept their lips zipped with her afterwards as well. (What's the bloody matter with parents these days, eh? Where are their parental heads at?! I mean, it's not as if you're only 8 or something, jeez! And they - THEY - DRAGGED YOU IN, not you! They could at least give you the basics if it's over-personal or embarrassing.) QUESTION: Would you say it's fair to say they've both of them forgotten too much of what it was like to be your age? QUESTION: Have you been reading up on (or overheard a lot of stuff about) Narcissistic Personality Disordered, lately? If so - whom were you trying to classify and understand (present or past?) Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute!.... I've just read this bit (I copy and paste but tend to read as I go): "For example, when he was upset about me stuttering. Now, I'd been having problems with this for a bit now and he'd gotten kind of angry at me because I wouldn't see a speech therapist. But one time when I did it he went fucking nuts." QUESTION: Can you describe what happened and what 'kind of angry' means? Also - why wouldn't you? And what was his problem that one time when you did - was it because HE'D wanted to organise it? PS: I used to have a stutter...still do if I'm really run down or ill. But mine is the "Foghorn Leghorn/Elvis" variety where you get stuck on random words, e.g. "Well I-Well I-Well I was wondering (etc)" rather than on Consonants (puh-puh-puh-puh). Most lads and men have always found a stutter on a woman cute so I wouldn't worry about that, but - how is it now? QUESTION: what do you suspect caused it, originally? Did you go through something stressful? At what age did you first notice it? Oh, bloody Nora, it just gets worse!... "I stuttered a couple times and he just exploded and got so angry, it caused me to have a panic attack in front of him. But even when I was crying, he just kept screaming about me not listening to him. " Jesus H Christ! What the beep?! Do you mean you stuttered despite the 'one time' therapy and he got angry, or was this prior to? A Panic Attack? Ok, this is not good. The guy is FAR too intimidating AND insensitive and critical, and is steadily stressing you out, whereby you're feeling it worse and worse each time, him behaving like that. Yeah, go into as much greater detail as you can manage, please. Ta. And don't worry, we'll help you.

Here's Lily's thread for you (as I say, her having been involved yet simultaneously shut-out happens a handful of posts in): https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/9344/Parents-split-up