Breakup help needed. I regret ending it

Hi guys! I’m so stuck with what to do right now. I ended our 2 year relationship, in the heat of the moment during a disagreement. Instantly regretted it and have tried to apologise in several ways - this happened 7 weeks ago. I’m 32 and he’s 31, so for us this was a serious relationship with plans of having children etc. I haven’t seen my ex in person since, and he has said he is heartbroken and needs time and space to heal. He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything and isn’t mentally healthy enough. He also says he doesn’t know how long it will take to heal or what the outcome will be at the end of all of this. Every contact we’ve had has been via text - 3 messages from his side. I messaged 3 weeks ago asking if he wanted us to go seperate ways and move on? He has yet to respond..I don’t want this to be the case and I’ve made that clear already, but should I take his lack of communication as his answer and assume that he does want things to be over for good?

You ended your relationship seven(?) weeks ago. I don't know what "trying" to apologize means. You're not sure what you said that was so hurtful, and you're apologies have amounted to "Tell me what I did"? Your calls go unanswered, texts unread? Or his responses were "I'm so hurt I can't even talk about this." That, by itself sounds like something in addition to the "It's over" statement. "**You're still tied to your mother's apron strings,*** ***You drink like a fish *** ***We have this perpetual discussion about ___ which is important to me but you refuse to work on it*** and we're through!" So, I'm guessing (all I've got to go on is your post and there's no specifics) this argument was about something so important to you that you made the announcement that the relationship was over. If that's the case, I'm wondering if, in spite of your love for one another, the two of you really should be planning a future together. I wonder if he senses that, too, and that's why he's not responding? Note, those examples I offered are actually things worthy of making someone re-think a future with someone. Or, is breaking up a threat that happens often? Maybe you've been together two years, but it's been a tumultuous two years because of the differences in lifestyle, expectations, money management, goals that aren't shared? I'm inferring this argument was about a big issue to cause you to make a statement like that. People do go their separate ways over big issues, and dating is about making sure two people agree on them. Two years would fall withing the timeline of the honeymoon period ending, the rose colored glasses falling off (we can do anything, love conquers all!) and the differences that aren't going to go away come into focus. Not responding for three weeks is something I'd do if I was sure I was through. I don't know your ex, though. I suppose he could be trying to punish you, but...well, he hasn't written here asking for advice, I'm not psychic, and I'm not ready to throw him under the bus. After all, you were the one who called 'time of death' on your partnership. I would suggest to look to yourself to see what prompted you to make such an extreme statement. You over-reacted, maybe? But as a real, honest-to-goodness therapist told me when I said *I* had over-reacted, I was reacting to something important to me.

Haven't read OM's reply because I logged-in, saw your post through the window, immediately recognised HUGE Red Flags and have dove in immediately: (Hi btw, sorry ) "...and have tried to apologise in several ways - this happened *7 weeks ago*....for us this was a serious relationship with plans of having children etc. I haven’t seen my ex in person since, and he has said he is heartbroken and needs time and space to heal." WHAT UTTER, UTTER *OLLOCKS! Word Salad Gaslighting Alert! We're supposed to believe that he's so incredibly stupid (and/or believes you're too Fogged to see it), that his answer to dealing with the pain of a a dagger in his heart, is to wait and lament for the pain to subside with the passage of time (WHO KNOWS WHEN) - RATHER THAN PULL IT OUT! I.e. SORT THINGS OUT AND GET BACK TOGETHER. What A Giant Crock "He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything and isn’t mentally healthy enough." (WELL, SORT IT OUT SO YOU CAN GET BACK INTO THE OH-SO-IMPORTANT-TO-YOU RELATIONSHIP and NO LONGER HAVE A REASON to break down, then, Forrest!) "He also says he doesn’t know how long it will take to heal or what the outcome will be at the end of all of this." DITTO AGAIN! (Although, I suspect he's unwittingly or otherwise, correct about not being mentally healthy. Let's read on...) "Every contact we’ve had has been via text - 3 messages fromhis side. I messaged 3 weeks ago asking if he wanted us to go seperate ways and move on? He has yet to respond..I don’t want this to be the case and I’ve made that clear already, but should I take his lack of communication as his answer and assume that he does want things to be over for good?" YES. You're not supposed to know enough to decide either way...he'd rather buy himself all the time in the world to KNOCK that last remaining confidence RIGHT out of you! That way, you'll be too scared to ever stand up for yourself again, for (manipulated) fear that he is (even MORE now!) always sooooo close to leaving you (for ages or for-good)...so you'd better let "it" (the LATEST It) slide rather than risk rocking the boat. He's (cruelly and seemingly irrationally) keeping you warm on the side for when 'getting back with' you BECOMES CONVENIENT. His punishment of you, involves his having LOADS of fun duringtime (or the suggestion that he is). What a duplicitous, cruel, self-obsessed (.....aaargh!!!) Don't fall for it Becksy. I know how severely you're hurting right now but, trust me, you'll hurt a lot more during any 2nd Round if you take back someone who could deliberately try to torture you like this, in order to become or reinstate TOTAL DOMINANCE over you going forwards (or not...whatever HE decides to decide). Ugh. Without knowing the background of your quality of relationship (but noting amongst a lot of things, that it's hit the charactristic Year 2 mark = trouble spot with this 'type') I can't be certain whether he "is" one or whether he's just a not very nice, manipulative, gaslighting 'beep-beep'. HOWEVER, what I AM certain of is that THIS WHOLE SCENARIO REPLICATES TOO CLOSELY THE MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC 'DANCE'. Is this sounding to you like it fits?

Nice one, OM - we're each covering and providing either angle: mean, childish, under-assertive thus resentful idiot -versus- Personaity Disordered Narcissist). High five! :)

Becsy - before you into the relationship history - could you type out what you'd have EXPECTED to step-by-step happen (instead of this sh*t)? Starting from when you lost your (I'm betting) almost-saintly-level patience and blurted We're Over?

In truth, I don't know what the argument was about, so I'm not throwing Ex under the bus, at all. I know zero about the history of this relationship. If it's like others I read about, (say, couples that break up over and over and *over*) he may just have had enough. And maybe (just maybe) avoiding someone who dumped him may be the best tactic to avoid saying something hurtful to the dump-er. I avoid people I'm mad at: "Least said, soonest mended." Although - - - "He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything" seems a little -dramatic- for an adult. . The OP ended the relationship. There are consequences to our actions. If he's walking away and thinking, "Okay, I guess we're done" that is a reasonable response, EVEN IF he's thinking, "I was thinking about ending it too, now I don't have to." Especially if. I don't know what the OP said, it may have been really hurtful - at least to someone who's over-involved with mom or drinks too much. And that's why I suggested the OP examine the totality of the relationship, and what led up to this declaration. I'll reiterate: I'm wondering if, in spite of your love for one another, the two of you really should be planning a future together. I wonder if he senses that, too, and that's why he's not responding? Because even when it's over, and for good reasons, it's still sad. If it's not I think there's something wrong with you.

It doesn't matter what the argument was about. It could have been that she wore his Y-fronts of he wore her bra. Arguments are never the problem. It's how we DEAL with arguments. Quickly, efficiently, civilly, maturely, sensibly, rationally, DECENTLY. Post-argument, he's keeping her painfully dangling using illogicals. (Who is?) The man who CLAIMS to (hah!) love her (which means, never want to hurt her, wherever avoidable). Yelling it's over in the heat of the moment doesn't usually (with normal-healthies) end in the man acting too wickle-bunny wounded to do what it takes to quickly reverse that wound (duuuh). He's either having her believe he's a sulking child or he IS a sulking child. If he can't deal with arguments like a grown-up then - a relationship - or any bonding beyond this trifling amount so far - is never going to happen. Wouldn't you think he'd be missing her so much now that the pain were far greater than the pain of her having blurted in frustration/anger? His actions - endeavours to have reasons to stay completely away from her for the - pff...foreseeabl- no wait! - UN-forseeable future - says it all. He's playing her. Maybe 'just' to keep her waiting in the wings as back-up in case the woman he's meanwhile working on (in order to then dump and replace her in one-go) doesn't come to fruition...whereupon I'll bet he'd THEN sudden be able to face her. He's as bad as the cheating husband on the other thread, claiming the reason he failed to give her anything but last-minute notice of going away again - as recently criticised and put right by their Counsellor - was because he was SCARED of her reaction, when the truth is, if he'd followed the Counsellor's insistence that he tell her the minute HE know, there would have not only been a milder reaction but quite possibly a moreover PLEASED reaction from his wife (at having fulfilled said promise to said Counsellor). You can just as easily be tempted to say something hurtful back via text, you know. Also, I could be a person who'd 'had it up to here' with repeat threats of ending it (although I can't see what in makes you allow for the possibility?) but that doesn't mean *I* would ever treat a two-year partner so important and valued that I had alleged to want to marry them, so cruelly and callously? Plus, every adult KNOWS that, yes, you can be hurt at the time, but you tend NOT take someone's words seriously if they're spat in anger during the heat of the moment. It's if they say it when they're COOL and you can tell they're serious. About to get engaged to her and - a perfectly common mis-blurt during an argument and that's it? Or it for a who knows how long, while? Well, that wasn't much of a bond for 2 long, intense years, then, was it. More like 6 months at the most! (Scooby clue) I'm sorry, but, if, to him, the pain of that now quite distant fight is still, after nigh-on TWO WHOLE MONTHS greater than the NIGH-ON TWO MONTHS' PAIN of not having seen, been with, held and heard the voice of the woman he "loves" enough to want to marry and have kids with (and with whom he could switch OFF that post-fight pain with an hour-long dissection/discussion), then, his bondedness to her must be anywhere between pathetic and non-existent. And if it IS that he's just too cowardly - EVEN WHEN HANDED THE OPPORTUNITY ON A PLATE - to say, YES, WE ARE OVER, then - pff. I don't see much difference really, whether it's a Narc ploy or not: He's a stunted child, whichever. You cannot-cannot-cannot have a healthy, joyous, lasting relationship with someone who argues and 'sorts out' by sulking for 2 sodding months in his little Wendy House, whether that's all there is to it or NOT (ploy). You just can't. I think we're basically in agreement, though, by the sounds of it. Certainly on that bottom line. Sorry - "bot-bot" line (eez only wickle so, so will his lickle bum be :p),

Thanks guys! I’ve obviously been left in limbo as to what I should do or what he wants. The argument was so small looking back, and wasn’t anything in particular just every day life. Yes, I may have overreacted at the time by calling it off, and what I meant by trying to apologise. Is I have apologised in many different ways, but it seems to be falling off deaf ears. Now I understand not everything can be solved easily with an apology, however this all happened 7 weeks ago now and all he is saying is he needs time and space to heal, as his heart is broken and feels he can only do this by having a break. He has been unresponsive to my last text, so I’m assuming it’s done for good and wants to move on. I can only assume this right without any clear clarification from him? I don’t even know if this how guys work, as in use the term to space and time to disappear and block from life.

This may be a time to believe in fate. **Something** got you soooo furious you made this statement. His response is childish and...I dunno, not straightforward. Even texting you back, "You're right, this isn't working," would have been better. Not providing an answer - after seven weeks - is absurd. Now you know he's something of a child in a man's body. Maybe looking back, you can see other clues to this? I feel your pain, I had one fellow I saw for three years (lived with, part of that time). The end was very sad, even though I knew in the long run, going our separate ways was for the best. I wasn't surprised that it ended, more -mad- I'd been the one putting in most of the effort most of the time. If he reacted this way over what you say is a small disagreement, he's not ready for more, and I can tell you what I now know that I wasn't ready to face at your age: This is who this man is TODAY. Falling in love with potential dooms us to unhappiness. No matter how much we love someone, no matter how much character growth would benefit him/her (or us!) it's an inside job. Your ex has to want to grow. That fellow I broke up with? He died alone. At 60-something, there were no hobbies, no spouse or SO, no children, no causes he felt passionate about, no bowling league or model train groups in his obituary - nothing. He just didn't have it in him to commit to anything. I dodged a bullet, though it certainly didn't feel like it at that time.

Becsy, you need to investigate Narcissism and Sociopathy in order to garner clarification for yourself. He is right now refusing to give it to you. I hope this helps... "He has been unresponsive to my last text, so I’m assuming it’s done for good and wants to move on. I can only assume this right without any clear clarification from him? I don’t even know if this how guys work, as in use the term to space and time to disappear and block from life." Only sh*theads (including secret ones) work like that - let's just keep it simple and say that. He is definitely behaving like a sh*thead. Only thing is, sh*theads are usually, unwittingly or otherwise, copying the Narc dance they've been repeatedly, exclusively shown (bad examples), so we're back full-circle, really, to NORMAL, HEALTHY GUYS WOULDN'T BE THIS SADISTIC. Normal, well-reared/programmed, TRULY adult men who want to end it, do so as respectfully, gently, sympathetically, as possible (thanks to that overlooked vital called Love In-Memoriam) and (mercifully) in no uncertain terms. You're SUPPOSED to be left having nothing but assumptions to make. He doesn't WANT you to have clarity over what's going on and what he intends, because that way lies, you in a position to make a unilateral (NOT pretend!) decision too (you don't get given equal rights and status with Narc, it's Master-Slave or nothing), and, like the HEALTHY partner, you'll make it quite quickly, meaning, YOU'LL have the power and control, which might disrupt his cruising holiday as he now has to return toute suite to warm YOU back up (to where you'll keep waiting in the wings)). Any sane man would KNOW FULL WELL he's leaving you in painful indecision....being stretched to just within your limit on the torture-rack. Here follow the only two possibilities - of what HE'S been wanting you to be doing - neither are good...both still describe how only toxic/Narcissistic men create/engineer and behave in your situation. Whether you can identify any other of the behaviours touched on, at any point in the 2 years leading up to this point, is your call (but do let us know, please?). PS: as this is all-too-common: he may well have literally engineered that fight. Because, actually - that's exactly what he DID do if you think about it? - even just in a way: HE *NEEDLESSLY* MADE A MOUNTAIN (HEATED FIGHT) OUT OF A MOLEHILL (SOMETHING SMALL)....AND NOW IS *NEEDLESSLY & ILLOGICALLY* NOT LETTING YOU (OR HE) FIX IT, INSTEAD, KEEPING YOU AWAY BUT KEEPING YOU WAITING, USING *HOPE*. Narcs do that massive overreacting (and pouring fat on the fire instead of water) SO THAT they have a great excuse to flounce off to tend to their their "other lilypad" (long-term or new target...like plate-spinning). She'll either be intended as your potential replacement or will just be left ready-in-the-wings in case you (a) suddenly tell him to pee-off forever, or (b) so as to leave her in a state of readiness for the next fight (if you make the mistake of taking him back)), i,e for flouncing-off to/pretend-Discarding you for (as in Idealize, Devalue, Pretend/Temporary- or Real Discard.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- https://upjourney.com/does-a-narcissist-want-you-to-chase-them "Does a Narcissist Want You to Chase Them?" ((my side-comments in double brackets)) ((note askterisks as describe what he has been doing for the last 2 months)) "The idea of chasing a narcissist can be dreadful. But then again, would a narcissist want you to chase them, or would they want the opposite? Here are some helpful insights from experts: Avigail Lev, PsyD They don’t always want you to chase them Narcissists always want control. They don’t always want you to chase them. It depends on what they want at the moment, *****but they always want to control you and to get you to do whatever they want***** at any given moment. If they’re feeling lonely and insecure, they may want you to chase them. *****If they need space so that they can cheat, triangulate, smear you, or find their next target, then they will want you to leave them alone.***** ((REPEAT: IF THEY NEED SPACE SO THAT THEY CAN CHEAT, TRIANGULATE, SMEAR YOU, OR FIND THEIR NEXT (PRIMARY OR SECONDARY) TARGET, THEN THEY WILL WANT YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE)) What a narcissist wants shifts rapidly from moment to moment, but what they always want is control, *****and they have ways to test out how much control they still have over you.***** ((LIKE, IF YOU CHASE HIM - which you haven't (well done!)) Narcissists use classical and operant conditioning and intermittent reinforcement to train you to behave the way they want. In the same way that we use a remote control to change the channel, narcissists condition your responses. If they press the guilt button, they want you to apologize If they press the anger button, they want you to concede If they press the blame button, they want you to take responsibility If they press the humiliation button, they want you to submit Throughout their relationship with you, they are testing out these buttons and making sure that you respond accordingly. ------------------------------------------------ Ike Kalson - Co-founder, Live Narcissist Free They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurity. *****Narcissists are adults stuck in the mind of a toddler. They’re insecure, desperate for attention, and focused on getting what they need. Unlike innocent kids, however, narcissists manipulate with intent, irrespective of the consequences it will have on others.***** Once you’ve been identified as a source of narcissistic supply, they’ll do everything in their power to make you dependent on them. *****They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurity. The rush of grandiosity they feel when being glorified is enough to distract them from reality. How it all starts From the outside in, it’s pretty easy to spot a narcissist, but when you’re the victim, the red flags are all in disguise. One of the reasons it’s so hard to know in the midst of everything is because relationships with a narcissist seem perfect at first. A narcissist will shower you with love, gifts, and all your desires. They want you to feel safe, committed for life, and deeply connected to them. It’s called love bombing, and like everything else a narcissist does, it’s a scam (and the first step to get a victim to chase the narcissist). Once you let your guard down, the narcissist strikes For most people, they realize this far too late. Once the initial love-bombing happens, victims fall for the narcissist deeply. Thinking the narcissist could never do anything hurtful, they let their guard down, and then, the narcissist strikes. They’ll start pulling away from the relationship to test your reaction. They’ll start twisting the truth and blaming you for their problems. They’ll invalidate your emotions over and over again until you doubt your own thoughts. How they solidify the victim’s dependence With all the gaslighting, the victim thinks they’re the problem. They’ll try to make amends by following the narcissist’s increasingly demanding requests, to no avail. The narcissist loves the free attention and the impression that they’re needed, and they’ll continue to cycle between love-bombing the victim, devaluing them, and abandoning them. The victim is in an extremely vulnerable state. They need support, though all they do is give their emotional energy to the narcissist. Whatever “love” they get is fleeting and followed by devaluation. If the victim tries to leave, the narcissist might threaten to harm themselves, trapping the victim... ...Warning signs that a narcissist is trying to lure you in: They idolize you at the start of the relationship They flip their own problems onto you They ask for emotional support but never give you any They don’t like it when you spend time with anyone else They don’t trust your stories They often feel insecure or need attention They hide their history or smear previous partners ------------------------------------------------ Patti Wood, MA They like pursuing and being pursued They like both pursuing and being pursued; ultimately, they want to control. Narc’s feel good when they control the happiness of others. They get Narcissistic supply from controlling their target’s happiness. If the victim pursues them, the Narc can control the flow of joy by being out of reach and unattainable, just out of reach, seemingly won, and then out of reach again, in a continuing cycle. ******They can get a supply hit from seeing their target’s efforts to pursue. When they appear “gotten,” they can get a hit of supply from knowing that it is all a ruse, a game, and then they can get a bit ((sic - big)) hit supply from dropping the victim, disconnecting, ghosting, and then another by reappearing. By controlling and creating more pleasure in their targets, they can also get hits of narcissistic supply by withdrawing that source. So while a typical relationship on an extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows three stages: Pursuing and idealizing their target Devaluing their target Discarding their target *****They like it when their target is discarded and still wants them and pursues them, and that is one way the cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round where the narcissist and get the golden ring again and again. Resist the urge to text or call, and you will cripple their superpowers.***** ------------------------------------------------ Sara Sloan, LMFT Most narcissists would love for you to chase them *****Instead of love, Narcissists value attention, power, and control. By you chasing them, this gives them all of these at the same time.***** ((HE'S SILENT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHASED HIM: THIS IS HIM TIGHTENING THE THUMB-SCREWS. TO GET YOU TO CRACK AND CHASE. If you chase, that means he will be forevermore One-Up. Because the NPD (sick) rule is "He who cares least, wins" (I did say, sick).)) If you are ending a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is to grey rock them. Grey rocking means that when they contact you, you want to remain flat, stoic, appearing to have no emotion. This is the opposite of what they desire. When you do this, Narcissists will often try to get a reaction to see if you still care. They may bring up hurtful stories from the past, or they may criticize you to see if you still care. Another way to think of Narcissists is that they are emotional vampires. They feed off the energy you give them, whether it’s positive or negative, so chasing them gives them exactly what they want. ------------------------------------------------ Dr. Cali Estes, PhD, MCAP, MAC, ICADC The thrill of the chase is like a drug to a narcissist The thrill of the chase for the narcissist is like a drug to them. It peaks their dopamine in their brain as cocaine would, and they cannot seem to get enough of it. In fact, the narcissists love the chase and will create new chases with individuals they are grooming or even new individuals they just met. Therefore, they ‘love bomb’ you. The showering of love and affections creates the chase *****when they pull back and ghost you.***** Now you want more of the love and affection, so you chase them to get it. They withhold this love and affection and even verbally abuse you until you are about to walk away, and then BAM! Love bombing again, which re-creates the chase. ((You wait; it's a 50/50 chance dependent on whether his 'cheating', safely unseen, pays off, but, be ready)) How to cripple a narcissist If you want to cripple a narcissist from the love bomb and chase routine that they have grown accustomed to, don’t chase them. Ignore them. It is the equivalent of not giving them any happy pills. Dopamine is the brain’s happy chemical, and if you restrict it from them, they will have a meltdown, like a 5-year-old in Target that couldn’t get the new toy. What happens next is actually interesting to watch. *****After the meltdown, they will ignore you and ((IF YOU FAIL TO CHASE)) then triple love bomb you, they need you more than you need them, and the fact that they cannot get you to chase them confuses and intimates ((sic - intimidates)) them.***** At this point, even a negative chase will light up their dopamine pathways. Resist the urge to text or call, and you will cripple their superpowers. Pareen Sehat MC, RCC Narcissists do want you to chase them because it makes them feel more desired Yes, narcissists do want you to chase them. It makes them feel more desired. For narcissists, relationships are more like a business transaction. They love to be the center of attention. And, if you chase them, that is all the attention they need. It also further fuels their ego. Narcissists even tend to ghost you, which can leave people hanging. In such a case, individuals often go after the narcissist. It boosts their self-esteem, and they keep up this confusing behavior. My advice would be to never chase a narcissistic person. If you do so, you encourage the sense of superiority they have and play right into their hands. ------------------------------------------------ Kevin Darné It does not matter to the narcissist who chases who as long as they get whatever it is they want ((NO, IT DOES MATTER - THEIR PUNY EGOS NEED THAT FLATTERY - IT'S THAT THEY WANT YOU TO (to set the tone: you love me more ...so watch yourself), BUT WILL REVERT TO HUNTER IF YOU'RE NOT ACTING ACCORDING TO THE USUAL VICTIM SCRIPT)) Being told yes is much more important to the narcissist than being chased by someone they have no interest in. The ego of a narcissist requires constant feeding, which comes in the form of having others continuously praise and affirm how special they are. Narcissists see themselves as winners who are able to get whatever it is they truly want. Rejection and failure are for losers in their eyes. Whenever a narcissist does not get what they want, they simply reframe the situation in such a way that they claim it actually worked out to their advantage. A narcissist’s inner circle is not simply made up of their mate, family, and close friends. These people are expected to behave as if they are also his or her biggest fans. Anyone who dares to speak truth to power or demands to be treated equally will likely find themselves removed from the inner circle. The motto of the average narcissist is in line with the old adage: “It’s my way or the highway.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another... It's better to have as much pertinent info as possible, even if only to be able to *eliminate* his being NPD from the enquiry. (note asterisks) However - IMPORTANT: If, using hindsight in conjunction with reading these extracts, you CAN'T spot/work out any obvious, past, Red Flags as could have heralded this (hot, OTT) overreaction (to your blurt of frustration) followed by (cold) meltdown, then the next thing to eliminate is NPD-AsPD - Narcissistic Sociopath. Because a huge characteristic of theirs, is "stealing your victim cloak", usually disarming your own, right indignation, via "the pity ploy". (Notice the similarity with what he's right now doing, if you focus on his having stolen the victim position and prerogatives?) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-after-the-break-up/ Will a Narcissist Come Back After Dumping You? June 18, 2013 by Alexander Burgemeester Last Updated on July 4, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining, so when one breaks up with you, it can feel like a godsend. You’re finally free of the controlling behaviors, insulting comments, and constant gaslighting. Unfortunately for you, narcissists don’t like being alone; they’re always searching for a source of supply, someone that can make them feel better about themselves. Sometimes they’ll find a new source, but often they’ll come back to you. Do Narcissists come back after dumping you? Yes! They most often come back after ending the relationship if there is still enough supply for them. As with all questions related to a narcissistic ex, the answer is an unsatisfying “it depends”. The circumstances of the breakup, your ex’s mental health and self-esteem, and your willingness to communicate with the narcissist post-relationship all come into play. Why Do Narcissists Come Back? While narcissists have an inflated sense of pride, they have no qualms about returning to a relationship if they think it will benefit them. This is especially true if they can make it look like they’re taking you back, doing you a favor. They’re always searching for a source of supply and if they can get it while making you feel like they’re the more emotionally mature and forgiving person in the relationship, all the better. However, many narcissists take the approach of acting like nothing ever happened. They’ll re-enter your life as if no breakup occurred. This not only gives them an enormous sense of power, but it also weakens you mentally and emotionally. Their actions don’t make any sense, making it hard for you to understand what’s real. Are you misremembering that fight? Are you sure he dumped you (or that you dumped him)? Narcissists thrive on your confusion because it gives them control over what’s true. How Long Does It Take for a Narcissist to Come Back? There’s no concrete answer to this; it could be a week, it could be a month, it might even be several years. What Makes a Narcissist Tick After a Breakup? As always, this depends on a number of factors. The first and most important is who initiated the breakup? If it was the narcissist, the breakup could just be a show of power or a final discard. Narcissists don’t have a timetable, they only have alternate sources of supply. When those run out, they come looking for more. It’s safe to say that the longer you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the longer you’ll have to wonder “will the narcissist come back after dumping you?” The longer you’re together, the more time the narcissist has to learn your idiosyncrasies and how to control you. They’re comfortable in your toxic relationship, so it’s always easier to come back rather than find someone new. Why Do Narcissists Come Back When You’re Strong Again? Narcissists love you at your best. In the initial stage of the relationship, they idealize you, love bombing you with praise, telling you how wonderful you are and how great you make them feel. It’s the latter part of that statement that really matters to the narcissist though; the feeling diminishes the longer you’re in a relationship with them. Over time they start to devalue you and in doing so, eliminate your ability to make them feel better about themselves. Once they’ve devalued you enough, they have no further use for you and finally discard you. A show of power is designed to force you into a position of subservience – you will ask for forgiveness, heap praise upon them, and provide a source of supply. In a way, this kind of breakup is a narcissist’s cry for help that they’re not getting what they want out of the relationship (admiration, sex, control). If you don’t give the narcissist what they want after the breakup (i.e. groveling) they’ll change tactics and might even ask you to forgive them. If the narcissist was making a final discard though, they could go no contact on you for months. They’ve moved on to their next target and have no further use for you. They might contact you several months down the road when they have a need for supply that’s going unfulfilled in their current relationship, but it doesn’t take long for their attention to turn elsewhere. There’s not really a playbook for how things go after a breakup with a narcissist. How it proceeds is based on the narcissist’s needs and how willing you are to fulfill those needs. In all cases though, the narcissist needs supply and they need to repair their ego (even if it’s at your expense). *****How Does a Narcissist React When You Dump Him?****** If you were the one that initiated the breakup, your narcissistic partner is probably brimming with rage. You’ve ripped open a hole in their ego and destroyed their self-esteem – the only way to remedy this is to destroy you. Narcissists have a host of nasty tricks that they’ll use to bring you down including smear campaigns that involve mutual friends, stalking, and baiting you back into the relationship just to break up with you. Whatever the situation, the narcissist’s primary motivation after a breakup is finding a new source of supply or regaining their old one by pulling you back in. The solution? Go no contact, cutting off all lines of communication. The narcissist needs supply and if they can’t reach you, there’s no opportunity to receive it. Whether the narcissist will return after you institute no contact is the most pressing concern, at least initially. Your tactic has almost certainly put them in a rageful state and they’ll do anything to be back in control of the relationship. That’s not to say no contact is a bad idea though; if communication continued after you broke up with them, they would almost certainly lure you back in. Whether this is done with love bombing, insults, or pleas for a second chance. There’s a high chance of getting back together with a narcissist. Severing the lines of communication leaves the narcissist with fewer options for controlling you. If you won’t talk to them, the narcissist will try to recruit your family, friends, or even coworkers to bring you back. Often the narcissist will act hurt, as if they don’t understand why the breakup occurred in the first place. In doing so, they also might slander you, bringing up all the things you did wrong in the relationship (true or not). Narcissists want you to feel like there’s no escape and the only way to fix things is to get back together with them. However, should you return to the relationship, don’t expect flowers and chocolates. They will make you pay for the pain they’ve felt and the effort it took to get you back. If your no contact does succeed, you’re not quite out of the woods. *****Just because the narcissist leaves you alone for some time doesn’t mean they won’t return.***** As mentioned earlier, narcissists come after you when you’re at your best. You’re most valuable to them after you’ve put your life back together. This is when they’ll pursue you, saying that “you were good together” and they “don’t even know why you two broke up in the first place”. Time heals all wounds and helps you to forget the pain the narcissist caused. Don’t let them sneak back in after no contact has succeeded. Do Narcissists Come Back After Silent Treatment? Usually, the silent treatment is a tactic employed by the narcissist. ((And the Narc-Sociopath)) While a fight can eventually lead to a resolution, nothing is ever solved by the silent treatment. The narcissist can go for weeks without speaking to you, with the implication being that you need them more than they need you. You will be the one to beg for forgiveness and acquiesce to their demands. ((Or so he reckons/hopes)) ((Already you've proven stronger than all his exes)) Sometimes the silent treatment never ends. They walk away and never speak to you again. There is no specific time frame for this behavior; your best option is to close the door on them and never look back. Do Narcissists Always Come Back? Narcissists have a tendency to revisit their old relationships, but it’s not a given. It is possible for them to completely cut you out of their life. At the time, it can feel incredibly painful, but they’re actually doing you a huge favor (even if they’re just doing it for themselves). They’re less likely to return to you if they find a consistent source of supply. In a way, their loss (being with the narcissist) is your gain. Narcissists usually don’t have lasting relationships though, so there’s a good chance you’ll be seeing them again when the next one fails. While you won’t get any closure, consider yourself lucky if it happens. More often, the narcissist will go silent for some period of time, and then return as if nothing happened. They may have found a new source of supply but had a falling out with them and now they need something from you. Your best bet is to ignore them the way they ignored you earlier. Going silent with them lets them know you’re not a viable source of supply. It’s a given that narcissists like to come back to their old relationships, so you want to know how long you need to wait to feel in the clear. Unfortunately, there’s no good answer to that question. Narcissists can hover for months or years. ((Actually, you're not powerless - I know all the tacks to take when it comes to turning them instantly off you/making them decide against.)) Often they’re just testing your resolve, popping into your life to see if you’ve forgotten how toxic your relationship was and whether you’re in a vulnerable enough state to take them back. Does a Narcissist Regret Losing You? Your narcissistic ex isn’t capable of caring about you, only about how you make them feel. They regret losing a partner in the way you might regret losing a car – it was something that was useful to you and you’ll need to find another one to get by. A narcissist will certainly say they regret losing you. They’ll say whatever is necessary to get you back in a relationship with them. It’s all a form of control though, and the narcissist will quickly lose the facade of appreciation and revert to their old ways. How to Best Break Up with a Narcissist and Stay Broken Up? Recognize that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Know that as a narcissist, they are very unlikely to change (they don’t want to). Break up with the narcissist, but be prepared for consequences in the short term. If the narcissist is nearing a final discard phase with you, let it happen. No matter who initiated the breakup, go no contact afterward. Maintain this even if the narcissist tries to reconnect with you months or years later. Start the healing process. A relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly damaging to your self-esteem. Seeking out a professional to guide you through the process is always a good idea. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry - incomplete para with words missing - edit: "If, using hindsight in conjunction with reading these extracts, you CAN'T spot/work out any obvious, past, Red Flags as during that 18mths could have hintingly heralded this sudden (hot, OTT) overreaction (to your obvious blurt of frustration) followed by (cold) meltdown (i.e. his showing his truer colours), then the next thing to eliminate from the enquiry is NPD-AsPD - Narcissistic Sociopath. I say this because a huge characteristic of theirs, is "stealing your victim cloak", usually disarming your own, rightful indignation (as true victim), via "the Pity Ploy". Notice the similarity with what he's right now doing, if you focus on his having stolen the victim position and prerogatives AND blown it all up to be wildly/absurdly out-of-proportion with your, what you've already ADMITTED was a mistake and apologised for? And also, as opposed to the 8/9 months of a straight NPD, the Sociopath can "hold his breath" for as long as 18mths/2yrs before unleashing the idiot-into-monster. If we can identify him near-as-damnit spot-on, you'll be able to know not just what to do, but how/what style to-suit.

And now here's the Narc-Sociopath at break-up time (add or merge these to-suit, with the above re the 'straight' malignant Narc; the malig narc Sociopath is far more severe despite takes longer, i.e. draws the Love-Bombing Honeymoon out (while doing a lot of actual chores/work for you to seem too credible), to start removing the mask and "training" and brainwashing you into becoming their Little Woman, even in public (whilst behind-doors, you're all-forgiving, permissively spoiling mummy and provider): ---------------------------------------------------------- https://www.truelovescam.com/how-sociopaths-break-up-with-us/ How Sociopaths Break Up With Us Whether narcissistic user, sociopath, predator, jerk they reveal their truly malevolent genuine-hearts when they break up with us. The break up is abrupt or long and slow, almost like they’re inviting us to dare a break up to happen. It happens regularly. Routinely. Sociopaths – narcissists – break up in text messages, and by simply disappearing, or exiting in a rage. They end things with threats and sarcasm and smirks and name-calling or preposterous statements like, “we could stay married and live in different places,” because these aren’t break-ups. The sociopath has failed and is bailing. It can happen in a mundane moment, our phone pings with a text: I’m done. Or we walk in the door and find their things are gone. Another common scenario when sociopaths break up is, they go to the store and never came back. We’re left wondering, “Where did all the love go?” What’s Going On When a Sociopath Breaks Up With Us? We Thought It Was Real… That’s Normal We only think it’s a break-up because we think we’re in a relationship. What we’re in is a true love scam with a con artist. Sociopaths, psychopaths – narcissists – use everyone in their lives… And yes, could be also those people you might be referring to as a narcissist. They Know It Will End: *****This may be the first time a sociopath broke up with us but*****, they’ve done this a million-zillion times. Every predator knows the end of the run will come. There will be the day we see too much, there will be the moment our bank account is empty, the day will arrive when newer, fresher more plump prey is lined up for the take-and-use. It’s Critical for Healing That We Take In What Really Happened Let’s look at it for what it is: we were a resource not a partner in a relationship. The sociopath invaded our life to support their own. They used us either as a piece of their public persona of respectability or as a ticket to a nice car, a cool place to live, a place to hide out, for food, laundry services, and the internet. ((...sex-on-tap, access to your social network for future scamming, to get revenge on or make jealouss their last (or any) ex or other, hidden current gf (or boyfriend - Spaths are Omnisexual), to start mirroring/emulating/learning & adopting your: fashion style/dress type counterpart, unique-to-you sayings, accent, opinions...misappropriating the best bits of your whole personality ...whatever they lack in terms of age-appropriate assets, landmarks, adult interpersonal skills (even your jokes), specialist knowledge, class/veneer of education, reputation, credit status, (borrowing or just taking and never giving back unless you demand it) personal possessions and material goods, money, an inheritance... basically to insta-gain a mask of maturity, trustworthiness, basically all-round solidity and APPEARANCE OF NORMALITY (all thanks to associating with adult you, your quality and lifestyle). Unlike straight Narcs, they tend to be incapable/too lazy and uncooperative to find lasting employment because they refuse to show respect towards their boss and colleagues, cannot take orders from anyone (issues with authority), refuse to cooperate, not above stealing co. property....they basically get fired a lot thus don't progress to where a healthy man would be at his age, even if they switch to being self-employed (e.g. handyman or some other tradesman). You may not realise/discover all of this - and more - until after you're hooked, however. This isn't a relationship or even merely a Fake-lationship/Fauxlationship. It's a Life and Lifestyle takeover, all under cover of fake love and "Future Faking".)) We’re not responsible for their inhumanity. We’re allowed to be exactly as we are. Sociopaths, Narcissists Know the Fake-lationship Will End When sociopaths break up with us, they’re not breaking up so much as bailing – because they failed. They’re leaving when we’ve seen too much when we’re pushing too hard with expectations and dragging them to therapists and pushing for answers. In their minds we’ve become too annoying, we’re seeing too much. Think of it like in their minds, the candy store is going out of business. Or the bank is closing before they can make all the withdrawals they want to make. What they get in the way of a mask and a hallo ((sic - halo?)) as…a gateway to whatever they want. These jokers didn’t value us from the beginning aside from our value as an ATM. They’re just done. Plus, they know we’re getting close to catching on to what they really are, so they “break up” with us. They have, in fact, failed and so they must bail. They prepare for the end, they expect the end. All along the way, they talk trash about us this isn’t something they do only at the end of it all. Along the way, it’s the setup for the end in which they need to look good, and so that we look bad once they bail. They Tell Others We’re Evil, Crazy, Liars Oh, they all, and I mean all, talk about us to make us look crazy and themselves look “innocent”; the trash-talking contributes, it’s called the smear campaign at the end, but rest assured it’s happening from day one. Instead of giving them extra ammunition, in order to protect ourselves stay silent. This keeps our words from coming back to haunt us. These parasitic nut-bags tend to “re-purpose” our sincere and genuine pain for their own gain. Sociopaths Use Our Confusion to Their Advantage They show our heartbroken, confused, and even angry text messages around to mutual friends… or post them on Facebook. You know the messages I mean, these kinds of messages from us: “What are you saying? I don’t understand! What about next Friday, my parents are in town?! I love youuuuu!” – These end up reinterpreted on Facebook in posts to make their emphatic claim, “She’s crazy.” hold weight. Seek Answers That Stop The Room From Spinning Some of the people they try to convince we’re “crazy” will be people who hardly know them ((new potential fans and targets and/or "Flying Monkeys")). These people won’t give what they say about us a second thought. Most who hear the sociopath who broke up with us yammer on about how bad we were will have no desire to be caught in the strange heat of the whirlwind caused by sociopaths bellowing. You’re going to lose friends. There’s much loss in this madness. Find resolution to every loss. ---------------------------------------------------------- More from Jennifer's site: https://www.truelovescam.com/sociopaths-are-bored-nomads-2/ (PS: if he's a 'stay-put-er', chances are you can rule out Spath in 'favour of' a straight malig (usually Covert or Cover-Vulnerable) Narc))

Hello guys! Just a quick update on the situation, so he made contact saying the only way he can heal himself is by having a break and in time we will both have a better understanding of what might be able to be reconciled. Our relationship was great in many ways, of no arguments(other than the one that caused me to initiate the breakup) and he was very loving and we connected well together emotionally. However he still didn’t answer my question clearly,of what do you want to do are you wanting us to move on seperately! I feel he is leaving me in limbo. It’s been over 2 months since the breakup and I want things to work and be fixed but I feel he is not giving me clear clarity. I really don’t know what I should do!?!? Thank you x x