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I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
My partner of 8 years went to prison almost 8 months ago. I am struggling with loneliness and trying my best to survive financially. I had found a roommate to help but that fell through in spectacular fashion. I really need someone to talk to. The alone is starting to weigh on me.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Be with you tomorrow (i.e. later today), THEA1.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Thanks. I'll be here. Looking forward to talking to someone.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hi again, Thea, and welcome! :) I've got lots of questions... I'm a right inquisitive ugger, I am. :) "My partner of 8 years went to prison almost 8 months ago. I am struggling with loneliness and trying my best to survive financially. I had found a roommate to help but that fell through in spectacular fashion. I really need someone to talk to. The alone is starting to weigh on me." Great. Not. You must hate the number eight, lately, eh. What are your ages? How come you find yourself struggling? Did your friends float off or you float off - or bit of both - without your noticing while you had your hands too full with, I'm presuming, Mr High Maintenance there? Eight months isn't that long. What was he put in for? How come you're struggling financially and needed a roommate? And - define 'in spectacular fashion'? What country, by the way? (All the questions are because first I'm trying to ascertain what type of loneliness you're experiencing and/or whether it's something posing too convincingly as loneliness.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hey, thanks for all the questions. I may not answer them in order but I will try to answer them all. I live in the US, Georgia to be specific, and I am 51 years old. Although he has only been in prison for 8 months he will most likely remain there for at least 3 more years. He is 40. I am struggling financially because our lifestyle was based on 2 incomes and there is only one now. That is why I was looking for a roommate. I can afford things on my own but it leaves very little, if any, leftover to save. One serious illness or unexpected major expense would wipe out my savings. The roommate I found ended up having serious mental issues I was unaware of when she moved in about 4 months ago. I have had to get a protective order against her to stop her from posting my personal information on multiple social media sites, evidently in an attempt to rally people against me, to what end I'm not sure. She has posted my picture, address, phone number and place of work. To answer the questions about friends, most of them are couples that my partner and I spent time with together. Some of them tried for a few months to stay in contact but that has pretty much fallen by the wayside. I have some family but not nearby, and a couple friends but they are also quite far away. For 8 years I had such a wonderful person to share my life with. I hope to have that again in 3 years. It's the sudden change, the empty house and bed every day and night. Most days I don't speak to anyone other than while at work. I don't know if that explains the kind of lonely? I hope to keep hearing from you. Where are you by the way?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Hey, thanks for all the questions. I may not answer them in order but I will try to answer them all." Well, I probably didn't ask them in order, that means. Hey, haha, don't you steal my blame, that's mine that is - get your own. ;p "I live in the US, Georgia to be specific," Well, G'day, Sport! (can't hit me from there haha) "and I am 51 years old." Good age! ...orrrr, should be, normally, yeah. WAlthough he has only been in prison for 8 months he will most likely remain there for at least 3 more years." Oh, I SEE. He's served 8mths of a minimum 3 years so far. Thaink-hyo! :) " He is 40." Eh? WHY? "I am struggling financially because our lifestyle was based on 2 incomes and there is only one now. That is why I was looking for a roommate. I can afford things on my own but it leaves very little, if any, leftover to save. One serious illness or unexpected major expense would wipe out my savings." Got it. So he was on roughly the same salary level as you? What was his job/profession? "The roommate I found ended up having serious mental issues I was unaware of when she moved in about 4 months ago." Uh-oh. You'd been in a screaming hurry, I guess, yes? Define room-mate, though. Do you mean sharing your whole apartment or house? Or is the lodger's part self-contained? "I have had to get a protective order against her" Oh, it's a HER. "to stop her from posting my personal information on multiple social media sites, evidently in an attempt to rally people against me, to what end I'm not sure." OH! You don't even know why she's doing this or what for? That's weird. "She has posted my picture, address, phone number and place of work." Well, it's illegal. How old is she? "To answer the questions about friends, most of them are couples that my partner and I spent time with together. Some of them tried for a few months to stay in contact but that has pretty much fallen by the wayside." Ohh, a few monthie-wunthies...give 'em a medaaaal. Selfish pigs. Sorry, but - that's my honest opinion. Does husband know this? What's husband like as a husband, anyway? How come he risked having to be separated from you for years, with you bound to feel bereft, lonely and vulnerable? Is he an impulsive hot-head who doesn't think ahead? Or was this a genuinel case of Needs Must? Can you tell me the crime? (There are too many in your boat for you to be identifiable, even if you named the pair of you - no worries - total anonymity on here). "I have some family but not nearby," How come. Who moved away from whom, and why? "and a couple friends but they are also quite far away." You don't have transport or can't afford petrol? Same for them, including your family? "For 8 years I had such a wonderful person to share my life with. I hope to have that again in 3 years. It's the sudden change, the empty house and bed every day and night. Most days I don't speak to anyone other than while at work." Yeah, no - you need some cushioning, definitely. Well, yo're talking now! Brain 1 in Jar 1, here - pleased to meet you Brain Monica. ;) "Look mum - no hands! OR face!" haha. "I don't know if that explains the kind of lonely? I hope to keep hearing from you. Where are you by the way?"" Meeehhhh...not yet.....it ain't that MacInstant, ya know. LOL But I'm Warm. Yes, of course you will. I live here. Permanently. Can't find the Out Door, haha....still on Shoelaces. Have a guess where I'm from - go on! PS: I can do a Georgia accent. Want to hear it?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Wait up - serious hat fully on for a minute... ""to stop her from posting my personal information on multiple social media sites, evidently in an attempt to rally people against me, to what end I'm not sure."" I'm guessing because you chucked her out, her ego can't get past it and is trying to discredit you ahead of something maybe?.... something she's planning? How's your house/flat security? Have you changed the locks since she left?

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
My partner was involved in a DUI accident that was entirely his fault, no one was seriously injured but the laws in this state are very harsh. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve punishment but the 3 to 4 years he will serve will only be the beginning. He will most likely be on parole for 10 or so years after that. By the way the 3 years is assuming he is paroled at that point. The likelihood is about 90%. As far as it being illegal for her to post those things, you are correct. That is why I was issued the protective order. Not a whole lot the police can do if they can't find her though. I rented her a room in my house, with full access to all common areas. I didn't put her out exactly. She stopped paying rent and in a weeks time my tv, washer and dryer all suddenly stopped working. She left when I filed for the protective order and left everything she owns. As to what kind of person my partner is, wow I could go on forever. To make it short, he is funny and makes friends so easily. He is thoughtful and kind, nearly every day he would do something that let me know he was thinking of me. In 8 years I think we only had 3 or 4 fights. Prison is hard on him. I can see it eroding the person I love. I'm worried what the changes he's having to make to survive will affect us. If I had to guess I'd say you either lived in Ireland or Australia. Now please remember those of us in the US are terribly ignorant of other cultures. We tend to lump all English speakers, non-American, into one big pile. I enjoy communicating with you. I don't engage in any sort of social media and this is the only time I have tried anything like this. Thank you for responding.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
The roommate is 59 years old. I met her at a place we both worked. The man in prison is not my husband. We have lived together as a couple for 8 years before he went to prison but never married. I was married once and will never do that again. My partner and I both work, worked, in the service industry. I currently work at the highest volume restaurant in Atlanta. The money is good but obviously it used to be twice as good when he was earning as much as I do.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Thanks for your reply, I'll read it tonight. I just wanted in the meantime to invite you to follow me...nice surprise for you :) https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13532/Im-extremely-lonely (just click on it and scroll to the bottom)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hey again, Thea! "My partner was involved in a DUI accident that was entirely his fault, no one was seriously injured but the laws in this state are very harsh. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve punishment but the 3 to 4 years he will serve will only be the beginning. He will most likely be on parole for 10 or so years after that. By the way the 3 years is assuming he is paroled at that point. The likelihood is about 90%." Wow, that IS harsh, considering no-one was injured - wow. I guess it must have been in a particularly serious spot and only luck that no-one was killed or injured? Was it his first offence? "As far as it being illegal for her to post those things, you are correct. That is why I was issued the protective order. Not a whole lot the police can do if they can't find her though. I rented her a room in my house, with full access to all common areas. I didn't put her out exactly. She stopped paying rent and in a weeks time my tv, washer and dryer all suddenly stopped working. She left when I filed for the protective order and left everything she owns." She did a runner. Okay. Are you saying it looked like she had deliberately broken these appliances? "As to what kind of person my partner is, wow I could go on forever. To make it short, he is funny and makes friends so easily. He is thoughtful and kind, nearly every day he would do something that let me know he was thinking of me. In 8 years I think we only had 3 or 4 fights." :) PS: :) (Mind you, just FYI, arguments/debates should be healthy things that bring you closer, it just takes knowing how to discuss like adults and fight fair. So don't blame arguments, blame the idiots out there who have zero conflict resolving skills.) "Prison is hard on him. I can see it eroding the person I love. I'm worried what the changes he's having to make to survive will affect us." Oh, no! Yes, I see what you're saying. Well, that's where you come in. You have to phone him regularly and send him copious letters, send little thoughtful, useful pressies (the type he can both use and trade), that sort of thing? I hear the worst thing about prison is the endless boredom. Here's an idea: cut out a crossword puzzle and fill in a clue. Post it to him to solve the second clue - and back it comes again. Or a picture you draw together - even from a Colour By Numbers pad? If you want any more ideas for keeping the connection and fun going, let me know. I'm full of them. "If I had to guess I'd say you either lived in Ireland or Australia. Now please remember those of us in the US are terribly ignorant of other cultures. We tend to lump all English speakers, non-American, into one big pile." Haha - true, true! I'm English ("posh"-speaking, bar the playful accents), now living in Spain, which, by the sounds of it, is similar to Georgia in its harshness. "I enjoy communicating with you. I don't engage in any sort of social media and this is the only time I have tried anything like this. Thank you for responding." Thank-you very much :) (Who do I make the cheque payable to? Haha?) It's a bit slow on here, though, lately. Feel free to dig-in on everyone else's posts? That's the trouble, lately, everyone's been leaving it to me. Mind you, to be fair, we have increasingly been getting an awful lot of threads about Narcissists, and I'm so far the only one with knowledge and experience of the disorder. But otherwise - feel free! It'll be a nice distraction for you Onto your next... "The roommate is 59 years old." WOAH! I really thought you'd say early 20s or something and didn't know any better! Well, alriighty, then. Looks like this thread IS (a bit) about a Narcissist (Malignant). "I met her at a place we both worked." How long had you known her in that capacity? "The man in prison is not my husband. We have lived together as a couple for 8 years before he went to prison but never married. I was married once and will never do that again." Not legally, he's not, no. But to me, marriage is a verb before it can be a noun and it's not the marriage certificate that keeps you together. Eight years is a good, safe innings, and clearly it makes you both happy so - well done! For example: your partner is 40 and you're 51 and yet you sound like you're great together. But that's only on-paper age. You can put two identical flower bulbs in identical pots and treat them identically, but one will always grow faster than the other. So are you actually closer to 40? Or he closer to 51? Or somewhere in the middle? Point is - paper-schmaper. Alright, therefore, if I call him "husband"? Or do you prefer just Partner? (It just sounds so business-y and unromantic, don't you think? Goes in the same PC pot as "Ms".) "My partner and I both work, worked, in the service industry. I currently work at the highest volume restaurant in Atlanta. The money is good but obviously it used to be twice as good when he was earning as much as I do." Yup. Maybe this is actually an opportunity in-disguise? Time to think about upgrading your job/career and salary? Or maybe starting your own little business? WAIT I'VE GOT IT - how about I call him Heartner? :D But anyway, you could make Heartner your partner, he could be involved in helping you run it? Could be, that by the time he comes out, he and you would have established a nice little earner, either in place of or in addition to your main jobs? Here we go! You two could solve the very problem you're experiencing right now, with a company that sells Keeping In Touch Kits! What do you think? It's never been done before, has it? (Quick - Patent it! LOL)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
You can call him Travis. It's nice to hear from you again. I have never been to Spain (great song by 3 Dog Night btw) My father has several times and greatly enjoyed it. I don't know about starting something new. I have about all I can do to hold things together. The Georgia prison system does not allow me to send the kind of things you are talking about. They also do not allow me to call him. He can call, when a phone is available and during certain times. The calls come through a company that I have to have money on an account with and are quite expensive. We do talk about 2 or 3 times a week. He was was finally transferred to a place where he could have visitation in June and I went through the process of getting approved. I was able to see him for the first time in late July. I hadn't seen him since March 7. I went again in mid September. The facility he is in is about a 6 hour round trip and I can only spend 2 hours with him. I am going again in November and I am going to see him both Christmas eve and Christmas day, I booked a hotel room. I would like to hear a little about your life if you are willing to share. Please don't let me pry. I have a court date on Tuesday to hopefully make the protective order permanent and then I can get rid of all the stuff she left and make my home mine again.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Travis - ah-hah... that's one of my best friend's son's name...that'll be easy to remember. 3 Dog Night? Never heard of them. I'll have to YouTube it now... It's come up with "Joy To The World" as the only track.... ...'Jeremiah was a bullfrog'??? :D That can't be the track you meant, surely? Yes, I used to enjoy Spain as well, year after year (parents and other rellies lived here), even had a holiday home here. But since Brexit and Covid, it's a bit pants. Not as pants as UK, though...I don't even recognise it any more for what it's turning into (the new Silicon Valley, apparently, so says Fishy Sunak... Greeeat, not). "I don't know about starting something new. I have about all I can do to hold things together." No, not right now, course not. But something to set your sights on or think about once you've adapted to this left-field situation? You have options, is the point. "The Georgia prison system does not allow me to send the kind of things you are talking about. They also do not allow me to call him. He can call, when a phone is available and during certain times." Oh. That's a No, then (bsstds). Only he can call? Oh, great. "The calls come through a company that I have to have money on an account with and are quite expensive. We do talk about 2 or 3 times a week. " That sounds like deiberate extortion of inmates' loved-ones, to me. So - no letters, either? "We do talk about 2 or 3 times a week." Good. You're going to need another lodger, though, aren't you. "He was was finally transferred to a place where he could have visitation in June and I went through the process of getting approved. I was able to see him for the first time in late July. I hadn't seen him since March 7." Wow. That must have been hard. Including being unable to tear each other's clothes off, I imagine? "I went again in mid September. The facility he is in is about a 6 hour round trip and I can only spend 2 hours with him." WTF - six hours?...and you only get 2? This is truly shite, isn't it. Was there a lot of vehicular/mechanical damage done in the crash? "I am going again in November and I am going to see him both Christmas eve and Christmas day, I booked a hotel room. " Phew! And isn't he 'a lucky boy' to have a partner like you. "I would like to hear a little about your life if you are willing to share. Please don't let me pry." I can't, really. Sorry. It's because I'm here long-term (9 yrs so far), it's imperative I don't give any ID thieves/trolls any intel/ammo to stockpile. "I have a court date on Tuesday to hopefully make the protective order permanent and then I can get rid of all the stuff she left and make my home mine again." GOOD! Well done, you! You're the type who hates bullies and refuses to be mistreated, yes? Hey, don't suppose there's anything in her stuff that you could take to a pawn shop or sell on Ebay?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: I've got LBC (award-winning, truth-saying UK radio station - available from abroad online btw) going in the background right now and guess what's they're talking about? Coincidentally - how Britain's justice and prison system is broken and needs a complete re-think and overhaul. Clearly, it's the same for America, yes?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PPS: Is Travis in a low-category prison? And do these future parole hearings include his being transferred to a lower-category, like an "open prison"?

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hello again, it's the lonely woman, but you already know that. I really do enjoy hearing from you. I'm sorry if it's too much. The things you have said, all the questions and such have been a nice interaction I have been missing. Thanks so much for your time . Sorry I didn't respond sooner today I was at work from 9 am til about 10 pm. Hope things are going okay for you. Try to find the song by 3 Dog Night, it's really good, I believe it was written by Shel Silverstien, he was close friends with the band. I don't know if you are familiar with his work but he is an incredible poet. Travis is in a medium security prison. There is no parole hearing in Georgia. The information given to individual members of the board and they make a decision. He will never speak to them nor will his family or loved ones. It is all very scary. The whole system is set up to punish everyone involved as much as possible. It removes hope, humanity and any sense of normality. There is a Jewish, online grocery that has somehow been approved for family to order from. I can only but 15 lbs of product each month and it is rather expensive but I have been sending him dried fruit, nuts and what healthy food they offer. The food in prison is not anything I would feed a dog. Please don't feel obligated to respond and please don't take it the wrong way that I'm not comfortable talking to anyone else right now. As I said before I don't use any sort of social media an this is a totally new experience for me. I has been very positive because of you. Thanks.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello Thea, I only wish to say that I've read your posts on the forum and I feel for you. I will respect your wishes and leave you in the hands of SM. Just wanted to wish you all the best throughout your struggles. DD

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I don't understand why you would send this to me. It has nothing to do with my situation. I don't appreciate it and this is exactly why I haven't engaged in this type of thing before, and why I no longer will. I'm terribly sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Don't worry, Thea - it's just the usual Triangulation and Pity-Gathering-come-Slander Campaign of a thwarted Covert Narcissist posing (yet again) as a normal, well-intentioned poster. I'm sorting it, no worries - ignore. And I'll be with you just as soon as. (Notably very intelligent, diplomatic, tactful... all-round classy reply on your part, though! Well done.) (You definitely have what it takes to start a small biz, IMO.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Why thank you very much for the compliment. I try to think about what other people may be going through but I was somewhat insulted by that message. I have had a rough week. A close friend of both Travis and myself passed away unexpectedly. I had to tell him. I wasn't able to talk to him for 3 days after I found out. It was hard. It's just one more thing to add to the list of what sucks about this whole situation. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that this is going to be at least the next 2 years of my life. I love him and miss him everyday. I am finding it harder and harder to even stay in touch with the few people that are still there. Thank you for being patient and understanding.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I had the second court hearing today to try to make the protective order good for 12 months. Bc she hadn't been served the judge dismissed the entire case and I have to refile starting all over again. I don't know if I can properly convey how lost and disappointed I feel right now. I have absolutely no confidence in the legal system to protect me.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Bear with - aim to be on later tonight and tomorrow virtually all day! :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Okay, I'm back! Sorry, Thea, I got waylaid as usual...was supposed to have the weekend to myself. HAH! Never mind - that's why I'm still fit and sharp. Free, mental and physical Gymwork. (Rolls Eyes at own incorrigible positivity.) "Why thank you very much for the compliment." Why, you're utterly-butterly welcome! :D You're a real-live Gentlewoman, aren't you. Not to mention slime-proof! : 'I don't understand why you would send this to me'. Fanbeepingtastic, keep it up! And, btw, I'm really enjoying talking to you as well. :) Plus now, I'm intrigued to see where you get that super-human (emphasis on human) power from. I'd like EVERY visitor to find out, actually. You've got something very special there, gal. "I try to think about what other people may be going through but I was somewhat insulted by that message." Yeah, I'll bet - whom sane wouldn't have been! "I have had a rough week. A close friend of both Travis and myself passed away unexpectedly." OH. Sorry... "I had to tell him. I wasn't able to talk to him for 3 days after I found out. It was hard. It's just one more thing to add to the list of what sucks about this whole situation. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that this is going to be at least the next 2 years of my life. I love him and miss him everyday. I am finding it harder and harder to even stay in touch with the few people that are still there. "Thank you for being patient and understanding." :( You're bloody welcome. (((((((((SUPPORT HUG)))))))))))) You're a breath of fresh air and don't deserve this.... Well, actually, maybe you do...because maybe it's not a punishment, but a reward-in-disguise via training for something wonderful but rather heavyweight by today's standard of yourself?...daily mental gym work? Life is priming you. (Check out Nav's thread ("In debt" etc.) - you'll see a similar, violent shunt of Fate's train to a new track headed in a totally unexpected direction. It's true (and I've got TOO much proof): everything does happen for a reason. And I'm sure under your influence, he'll get early parole. So many men would be so bloody chuffed to have a partner like you. He must miss you like BEEP-ery!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"I had the second court hearing today to try to make the protective order good for 12 months. Bc she hadn't been served the judge dismissed the entire case and I have to refile starting all over again." WWWWWWWWWWWWHAT-AH?!? Christ Almighty, has no-one and nothing got their ducks in a row these days! Why hadn't she been served? "I don't know if I can properly convey how lost and disappointed I feel right now." You don't need to - you ARE...you communicate, including emotionally, really crystal-clearly. "I have absolutely no confidence in the legal system to protect me." Very few have any confidence in any legal system, lately. BUT. I suspect due to all the backlogs, they're shaking the tree. Be a stubborn leaf...do NOT drop off....re-file....and THIS time you'll get the Order. You watch. Trust me. Someone like you is not going to let a bunch of ickheads or an ickhead system get the better of you after the first hurdle. Go for it - I'm right behind you (forum's suddenly quieter, I've noticed) (DD is busy with her latest victim, the highly arrogant toddler who thinks she can give her seniors unwarrantly rude attitude...although, actually, I think she was another of DD's aliases...too insta-supportive-&- diehard-loyal without a cause, if you ask me.........just between you and I. ;)).

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Could you rent your room via an agency (longest-established and trusted) so that all candidates would be properly vetted? Or are you relying on cash? If so (cash) - would that be a good excuse to phone these friends who've been petering-out? Give them a chance to play Hero and assuage their (undoubted) guilt? Is that a plan, Stan? Am I asking too many question? (haha)

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Sorry - I mean, by asking if they can ask around their own, trusted social circles for a reliable lodger? Or your work colleagues? You could offer a small but fair Finder's Fee, say, 20 quid?

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I get my "super human " power from my mothers. I eas adopted at birth by a woman who had more strength and kindness than 98% of the people in this world and she passed some of that on to me. I was given up by a 16 year old girl who stood her ground and made sure her baby was going to a family that shared her values and heritage so that I would have the life she couldn't give me. My adopted mother helped me find her almost 30 years ago even though every single minute of it scared her to death. My biological mother is also amazingly strong and has been the only thing that made loosing my mother bearable. I thank them both every day for the person I am and the strength they have given me. I have tried a few rental sites but on the whole they have been a nightmare. I did file for the new protection order and it was granted. The pro8is going again. I will not give up and I will not let the system forget about me and the crap the crazy ex roommate is putting me through. Never too many questions. It allows me to engage, but somehow I think you already knew that. The hug was greatly appreciated.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Oops just looked back at all the typos, sorry. I finally have a day off work tomorrow and I have had a couple cocktails.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I just got off the phone with Travis and I don't think he's planning to come home to me when all of this is done. I don't know what that means for me. I have not thought about a future without him for 8 years.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"I get my "super human " power from my mothers. I eas adopted at birth by a woman who had more strength and kindness than 98% of the people in this world and she passed some of that on to me." What a lottery win! I'd love to know how you managed to meet 98% of the world population by your still-young age, though? Do you remember all of their names? (*ducks, chuckling self-amusededly*) "I was given up by a 16 year old girl who stood her ground and made sure her baby was going to a family that shared her values and heritage so that I would have the life she couldn't give me." Wow. At 16? In that usually vulnerable position? Just, WOW. "My adopted mother helped me find her almost 30 years ago even though every single minute of it scared her to death." Oh WOW. It's called, doing the right thing, no matter the personal cost. What a woman, wow. "My biological mother is also amazingly strong and has been the only thing that made loosing my mother bearable." Amazingly strong, independent-minded, and REALLY BRAVE, ahead of age, too! "I thank them both every day for the person I am and the strength they have given me." So - brilliant genes plus brilliant rearing, basically? A Jackpot winner for-sure! (Albeit - saying that - it can be lonely at the top; the trick is to forego quantity for quality.) What are you planning to DO with this Midas touch of yours? Or do you need to get another renter sorted first. "I have tried a few rental sites but on the whole they have been a nightmare." (Hah - speaking of which!) In what way? But anyway - what do you think about asking your mutual friends to help you find someone decent? "I did file for the new protection order and it was granted. The pro8is going again." The what is going again - sorry? "I will not give up and I will not let the system forget about me and the crap the crazy ex roommate is putting me through. "Never too many questions. It allows me to engage, but somehow I think you already knew that." Who - moi? Naaah. I'm just winging it while my mummy's hoovering upstairs. (Haha - slap me later, but - IF you do it well - I bloody love sarcasm, I do, LOL.) (Feel free to take the piss back, haha.) "The hug was greatly appreciated." Good. ...Doesn't mean we're engaged or anything, though, ok? (Haha - sorry - I seem to have come off the Serious rails...feel like "avin a laarf"....must be tired.) I'll make a coffee, that should do it, and get straight on to your next.... PS: Chinese Restaurant Waiter's revenge on ahole customers: "You for coffee?...An you?....You all f' coffee, yes?" (It's the way I tell 'em!)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Oops just looked back at all the typos, sorry. I finally have a day off work tomorrow and I have had a couple cocktails." I'm not that keen on alcohol, normally, but I do like cocktails. Well - two of them: Pina Colada and Grasshopper. And the ones I've invented, myself. Which are your faves? Do you smoke, btw? What's Georgia like, anyway? I haven't got a clue!...I don't think? Is it the setting for any film or TV series I might have seen?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"I just got off the phone with Travis and I don't think he's planning to come home to me when all of this is done. I don't know what that means for me. I have not thought about a future without him for 8 years." Sorry, what? What do you mean he doesn't plan on coming home to you???

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Oh, wait - you said don't THINK he is. Why don't you? You do realise he'll be having emotional reactions to his situation as he adapts (which happens in stages)?...including you being literally the one-and-only safe person to vent to and take his ever-changing moods out on (it's not possible in prison to show emotion and vulnerability, or even warranted resentment due to mistreatment, etc., it really isn't, lest one marks oneself out as easy to pick on) - and not to take it personally? In fact, have you read up online about these stages of adaptation yet, to get inside his mind and stay in control for the pair of you? Do tell me if you're not capable right now and I'll find some articles for you.

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And don't worry. Even if the worst comes to the worst - consider this your second home. I and everyone here will help you adjust and learn to fly solo. And yeah, I don't normally start a thread with chatting, it's normally, Work First, Then Play. However, this isn't play, this is your antidote to your sense of isolation, disconnectedness and - basically - huge, deck-wiping trauma. Thing about decks that Fate forcibly clears 'for' you, is that, it's a readying. Something new is going to happen. And that's the other important thing to remember: This - life - yours right now - is never a case of you and Travis maintaining or making things happen or else nothing will happen. Fate makes things happen and even crash in. If I stand back, I see this: Your decks violently, in record time, wiped clean 'for' you (tick-tock-tick-tock). Your main distraction on said decks, temporarily 'removed' 'for' you: namely, Travis. First-ever roommate 'removed' 'for' you. But you still have your rented(?) home. And you still have your job. And now you have here - PP. Something's being brewed, alright. You're NOT meant to have a lodger. Or not yet, anyway. But you're basically safe in terms of the fundamentals. Maybe this place is a long-ish-term pitstop, for you to fuel up, have a proper tune-up and oil-up? This, how you are and feel today, is NOT going to be a long, drawn-out growth-spurt. The speed and nature by which items were placed elsewhere/removed, says, SOON and GET READY. But anyway. What happened, what was said during this call? Please give me dialogue (the pair of you will still be impossible to identify) so I can 'tap' into him and his state-of-mind and from there, work out where he's coming from and why, and whether he means it or is just "screaming into the abyss"? I have to be honest, though: I was wondering and waiting whether he'd have a giant wobble all over you. You, you're a Weeble, though ("Weebles wobbles but they don't fall down" - 70's toddler toy - on YouTube). Isn't Travis?....normally?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I think I will just start with the easiest stuff. The typo was the whole process starting again, in reference to the pto. Both of my mothers always put me ahead of nearly anything else. I know I don't know 100% of the people in the world but I stand by my assertion! As far as the roommate sites go, I put notice up on several before the crazy one moved in and the responses I received were somewhere between useless and worrisome. I don't think it's something I would like to do again. Now on to the meat of the matter. I know he is going through a terrible experience. I know it is not like anything he ever imagined his life would be. I sympathize and I have done everything I am able to make it easier and to make sure he knows I will always be here for him. Last night he told me that he isn't sure he sees a future for us. He thinks he wants to have children. That is not in the cards for me. You can say he is adjusting or trying to make himself stronger as far as his feelings and whatnot but to tell me that is heartbreaking. I maybe could understand a sudden reaction to the change he has gone through but this is 8 months into it. This is 8 months of telling me how much he loves me and misses me. This is 8 months of me doing everything I can to support him, financially and emotionally. I just don't understand. I am not ready to give up on us. I don't want to. I am so hurt right now. I didn't think it could get any worse.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Okay time to be honest. I have been crying almost nonstop since he said those things to me. I somehow managed to go to work today but it was not productive. I did not see this coming. I have no way to contact him other than a letter and it will take over a week for that to even reach him, probably close to 2 weeks after that before I would receive his response, if he even sends one. I am devastated. This may be the straw that breaks the camels back. I just don't think I have it in me to bear anymore. I have tried to be strong and have turned to every avenue I could imagine to try to cope with what my life has become. The one thing I thought I had to hold on to was an end to the lonely and pain. Did he really just take that away from me too? I'm sorry if I sound selfish or like I don't feel for what he is going through but the little bit he could do for me seems like might be too much for him. I am so angry at him. I would never do something to hurt him this way. I feel abandoned and betrayed.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I hope you're okay. I don't really know if I expected to hear from you or not. Any hoo I am going to visit Travis on Sunday, I scheduled it a couple months ago as a birthday present to myself. Wow is that turning out to be a slap in the face. I'm still going I guess. I haven't heard anything else from him but I don't think I can make myself cancel. I can't begin to imagine what it is going to be like to sit across from him and try to be pleasant. To actually look at him and ask if he really meant the things he said. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going but I think more of not going. Stupid me is worried about causing him pain or making the visit bad for him. I know how horrible his situation is and I don't want to make it any worse. But what about me? Did he consider how awful my situation is and how the things he said would add to the stress and general sense of doom and gloom I deal with every day? He has always been kind and thoughtful. He has brought such joy and happiness to my life. I knew this would be long and hard. I expected hurdles and snags. I was starting to kind of work with the loneliness, none of it was easy. The thing I never thought about was him leaving me. Deciding to end 8 years of love, companionship, family and friendship. I'm sorry to dump. I just don't know who else to talk to. If I tell my family they will immediately turn on him and it will be difficult to ever change that opinion of him. I don't think I have any friends left that would care much one way or the other. I guess I don't see any reason you should either. I would still like to communicate with you. I can lay off the Travis stuff if it's too much. It has just been nice having a back and forth. Whatever happens please know you have been greatly appreciated. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way.

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Just to clear something up first: "Both of my mothers always put me ahead of nearly anything else. I know I don't know 100% of the people in the world but I stand by my assertion!" Nooo, it was meant as a joke!

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"I know he is going through a terrible experience. I know it is not like anything he ever imagined his life would be. I sympathize and I have done everything I am able to make it easier and to make sure he knows I will always be here for him. Last night he told me that he isn't sure he sees a future for us." That one is a normal delayed-reaction for one in his position and situation. "He thinks he wants to have children. That is not in the cards for me." Are you saying this is the very first time you've ever heard him comeout with this fairly dealbreaking incompatibility 'confession'? "You can say he is adjusting or trying to make himself stronger as far as his feelings and whatnot but to tell me that is heartbreaking." Yes, it is. So if he doesn't mean it, he shouldn't say it....in an ideal world. But if this 'cat-kicking' is something new from him, you do have to give him some slack. Well, if you want to. "I maybe could understand a sudden reaction to the change he has gone through but this is 8 months into it." No, they're in Shock and Denial first, for quite a long time. Then comes Anger (with nowhere to put it or even show it). "This is 8 months of telling me how much he loves me and misses me." Ditto. "This is 8 months of me doing everything I can to support him, financially and emotionally." Basically proving "you'll be there fo-oor hii-iim, When the rain staarts to pou-our". That he can trust you. That he's safe with you. "I just don't understand. I am not ready to give up on us. I don't want to. I am so hurt right now. I didn't think it could get any worse." He's testing your sticking power - and using his need to vent as his cover-vehicle. Now rather than later down the line when it'd half-kill him. It's just sensible. He's probably been tipped-off about doing it...his cellmate, probably. Talk to him again and if he repeats it, say, "Aww shaddap. You're not getting rid of me THAT easily! Nice try, though, you nearly had me there". (You're going to have to play Mum for a bit, I'm afraid...he's in the foetal position and that's going to make him a right baby for a while....until he has grieved his (he thinks/feels like) dead-and-buried freedom and 'inevitable' loss of girlfriend. (Too many relationships do break under the pressure so I repeat: it's just sensible. He couldn't just ask you because you might lie or lie to yourself out of angst and sentimentality. You can't fake actions...which are, this (regrettably) necessary shoving of you to see if you keep going or come back. Sense? That's what I'd put a large chunk of my money on, anyway. In his dire situation, the means would have to justify the end. This is survival. I repeat: I was expecting him to wobble (earthquake, more like).

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(He's scared and insecure, has lost his ability to trust, and needs his mum - or any mum-figure, that's what it is. And no, sorry, you can't imagine. Same as, before he got there, nor could he. Which is why he dared take the drink-driving risk in the first place. (See how that works?) Don't panic. :) I'll bet he's feeling really bad and guilty about the stress, cost and hassle his stupid mistake has shoved you into, as well. He'll be feeling more vulnerable and emotional than he's ever experienced or could even conceive of. This'll make him grow up fast. PS: So his mother was crap or too constantly bullied to be any good, then? PPS: You don't want kids but you do still want someone to nurture. (See how those two automatically gel? Very common stuff.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Haven't finished but I've just seen this sentance: " I'm sorry to dump. I just don't know who else to talk to. " Awww, shaddap. Hahaha. That's what this forum's here for, ya 'nana. I therefore graciously accept your apology for using this forum as it was designed to be used (hahahahaha). ((((((HUG)))))))

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"I am devastated. This may be the straw that breaks the camels back. I just don't think I have it in me to bear anymore. " God...Fate...Nature...Aliens, whatever....never gives you more than you can handle. Yeah, you can. It's just acclimatisation. But to a big-big, deep, serious, sudden change, the type that it's not really possible to be prepared for. So it's a lot to get used to in one, fell swoop. Interestingly enough, what you feel like is tantamount in size and weight to the (temporary) life-devastation of being cheated-on by your spouse. Bounce off these walls as much as you like. Pour it out, vent it out, ....a long run through a pretty woods would help? Do you like jogging - or woodland....woods and duck ponds, that sort of thing? Nature is VERY powerful as a de-stressor, even if you just find a bench in a park and read a book. If you haven't got the time, stare at the colour green. It's only 3 weeks. You can do this. Do you want to make a regular posting day and timeslot? I need to get organised with yourself and the other regulars so that would make things easier for both of us - yourself from having a weekly landmark to keep your sights on? Not that we couldn't post in between time whenever poss. But it would be something concrete and stable, which, obviously, you need right now. Does that appeal?

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"I somehow managed to go to work today but it was not productive." Why on earth didn't you phone in and explain to your manager what had happened? Why are you so hard on yourself, even at a time like this? You do realise Grief - a whole, long process - doesn't care if normally you're stronger than the average or not? Listen, if normally you're strong, then, grab this rare opportunity to let it all hang out, not, waste it! A Holiday. It's kind of like this: Men love Women love Children love Hamsters. (Situationally, Travis is the Hamster.) PS: Don't make your letter all emotional and dramatic (albeit, I get that it is or seems like it). Just TELL him how it's going to be/remain. Get bossy and stubborn. That's what he wants (desperately needs, actually) - to KNOW-know-know that you're staunchly, and to take emotional control of and management over him. Tell him, you can't tell a Limpet to just go away. It can't so it won't. Next test, Mr I Think I'm So Clever And a Reincarnation of Rick from Casablanca? Oh, and do try to make the next test a little less insulting to my integrity, thank-you. You can still go too far, you know...you and your over-sized chisel...and draw him an emoji blowing a huge, set Raspberry. And then change the subject to telling him your news, etc...signing off as usual. Or you can even just say - Somebody's been watching too many Humphrey Bogart films ("...maybe notch tchoday, but SHOOON, an for da rest of yoyr life" :p). He'll be in agony too, waiting to see if he gets a letter from you, though. Don't kid yourself he won't be. (...the bloody drama-queen). Make him sweat just a little bit, yeh? Don't rush to write it. Take your time. And then he won't do that again, he'll have to try something else. Like, remember who you are. (...the tw*t).

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Seriously... "I am so angry at him. I would never do something to hurt him this way. " You would if you were the one who'd just been banged-up for potentially long stretch, luv. It'd be one of the FIRST things you'd do. Once the shock had lifted, anyway, and left you plonked not just back-down-to-earth but down a whopping Rabbit Hole. Seriously, it CAN'T be imagined. Saying all of that. You have to go with your flow and do whatever you find your inner animal yanking you to feel/do. If ever you DID find yourself wondering if he - not an end to your loneliness/singledom because your brain is programmed to turn the cause for that on and off as suits the equally involuntary need to quarantine somewhat while adjusting. Just do what you have to do - to your best ability - for as long as you can - and no more. That's all ANYONE can do. No matter WHERE the relationship gets conducted. For now, however, you need a project. Even just an idea for one. What do you enjoy doing? (PS: answer this when you feel ready to but don't forget....and you've also left a lot of my questions up there unanswered, if you could, please? Ta.)

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Ach... correction (lost a huge chunk): "Saying all of that. You have to go with your flow and do whatever you find your inner animal yanking you to feel/do. If ever you DID find yourself wondering if he - not 'an end to your loneliness/singledom' (because that can be dealt with in myriad ways), but *the person* - was really worth all the hassle, then, know that it would be pointless and futile to feel guilty over it. If letting each other go was ever really on the cards, the kindest thing for each of you WOULD BE to let each other go. Think about it. PS: If I'd been Ilsa, I'd have said, "No, YOU get on the bloody plane with Victor. *I'm* not! And you can't make me!".

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hey there, it was good to hear from you, to know you're okay. I wrote down a list of the questions I have left unanswered and I am going to attempt to answer them now. Why don't I think he's coming home to me? I guess this answer also addresses the dialog of the call question as well. He said he doesn't think I will be able to not drink at all and he needs a completely sober environment once he is released. I don't know if I will stop drinking 100% but I do know there would be no alchol in the home. I knew going into this that would be a condition of any sort of parole or probation for him. I know, even if he doesn't, that his probation officer can and will show up at any point and if there is alchol here it would be a violation. That said I don't know who else in his life would be willing or able to make the same promise. His whole family drinks and a lot more often than I drink. He also told me he has realized he wants to have kids. Yes we had discussed this, several times before our relationship got serious. I was afraid, because of our age difference, that being with me would deny him the chance to have children. I never wanted them and I have been in a time of my life where it isn't even an option for several years. He was definite and certain that he didn't want children either. He has twin nieces that were only 3 when we started dating. His mother has custody of them and we have had a big role in helping take care of them. They stayed with us frequently for overnights and days at a time when they were out of school. We have taken them on vacations out of state. They consider me their aunt and my family as theirs.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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You asked why I am so hard on myself. I expect a lot from me. I have been given a lot and I feel like I need to live up to the standards that I have set for myself. I try to treat the people in my life the way I want to be treated. Most of the time I am disappointed but it doesn't mean I am going to change who I am. You asked what I like doing. I love to cook!! I am actually a very good cook. It is difficult to cook for one person. The friend who passed away was always the happy recipient of my culinary adventures. I took her something every time I made anything. I also love to read. My major in college was English Literature. I have been an avid reader as long as I can remember. I have, unexpectedly, found it difficult to concentrate while reading since Travis has been gone. I wasn't prepared for that. Reading has been an escape for me my whole life.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Yes I am perfectly fine with us setting up a regular messaging schedule. My work schedule is a little unpredictable, especially during the holiday season, but please let me know what works best for you and I will do my best to adhere. BTW. it's my birthday. I'm 52 today.

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Hey there, hope you're doing well. I looked back and found a couple more questions you asked that I didn't answer. I'm sure there are some more I'm missing. Do I smoke? Yes I do, cigarettes not anything else, I have since I was about 17. Why do you ask? What is Georgia like? Well it is beautiful. Everything from mountains to huge lakes, farm land, it has several islands and a nice coast on the Atlantic Ocean. It is a huge state!! It would take about 7 hours to drive from top to bottom on the freeway traveling around 70 mph. Lots of rural areas that some people think are kind of backwards but there is a lot to appreciate about those small towns. I went to visit Travis today and it went better than I expected. You may be right about him trying to protect himself. We didn't talk too much about the things he said to me, I just couldn't start that conversation in an open room with dozens of other people and multiple guards. I couldn't put myself in the position of breaking down and being trapped there until I was allowed to leave with all of those people witnessing my pain and weakness. Visitors are not allowed to leave once they are checked in until the visitation time has ended. My grandfather passed away the day after my birthday. He had been very ill and I think it was an end to his pain. Knowing that doesn't make it easier on those of us who love him. I'm starting to think my birthday is a bad omen. Knowing what my biological mother went through the day I was born, her father was buried on my 25th birthday and now my biological father looses his father the day after my birthday. I think I'm gonna skip it from now on!! Hope to hear from you soon. Please let me know what kind of schedule you would like to set up.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hey-hey - be with you shortly! :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Bump! (Moving you to the top, ready for tomorrow.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Well - tomorrow-ISH...just missed it! Re making a regular evening/day - I'm in Spain - so that makes Georgia 6 hrs behind, making right now just gone 8pm? Anyhoo...meantime - "I wrote down a list of the questions I have left unanswered and I am going to attempt to answer them now." OMG, I love your organisational skills! Nice one! "Why don't I think he's coming home to me? I guess this answer also addresses the dialog of the call question as well. He said he doesn't think I will be able to not drink at all and he needs a completely sober environment once he is released. I don't know if I will stop drinking 100% but I do know there would be no alchol in the home. I knew going into this that would be a condition of any sort of parole or probation for him. I know, even if he doesn't, that his probation officer can and will show up at any point and if there is alchol here it would be a violation." Ok. Well, it's not the guy doesn't KNOW you or KNOW that you'd take such sensible, thoughtful measures, is it? So that's a pile of needless BS. Let's see what's next... "That said I don't know who else in his life would be willing or able to make the same promise." Undoubtedly, no-one...hence he was such a 'silly-billy' as to drink and drive to begin with.....it's how it works, INNIT. "His whole family drinks and a lot more often than I drink." Heavy drinkers or actual alcoholics? So he wants a chance to replace his own family of origin with a clean and healthy one. Ok... "He also told me he has realized he wants to have kids. Yes we had discussed this, several times before our relationship got serious. I was afraid, because of our age difference, that being with me would deny him the chance to have children. I never wanted them and I have been in a time of my life where it isn't even an option for several years." Well, he KNOWS that, so...You sure he isn't hinting that he wants you and he to adopt? Or, Thea - what about Fostering?! "He was definite and certain that he didn't want children either." Yeah, well, this whole traumatic event will have forced him to get serious...or maudlin, defeatist, (LOL), and doubting everything, including your staying-power,....where before, he obviously took a lot for granted (correct?) Gosh...so many things for you to have to agree to - all hard-work challenges for you - all things you'd 'rather not' do - in order to PROVE-prove-prove....(drum roll to herald Old Chestnut-type reaction).... that you really-REALLY love him. Thought so (now doing my famous Toljaso dance...like Funk but more annoying, haha). *RELAX*. This will pass soon enough. "He has twin nieces that were only 3 when we started dating. His mother has custody of them and we have had a big role in helping take care of them. They stayed with us frequently for overnights and days at a time when they were out of school. We have taken them on vacations out of state. They consider me their aunt and my family as theirs." Did you like that? Best of both worlds, really?...you get to hand them back at the end of the day, haha. Maybe, when he comes out, you guys just need to befriend more couples with young-ish kids? I mean, he'll need more experience than just the fun side of parenting, won't he. How IS he with being woken up so much and so often he bumps into the bedroom wall?...because it's moved positions 'somehow'?? Or does he think the Nighttime Fairy would help you? Tell him that you'll consider parenting, but only if you can nudge him awake for 6 months to a year beforehand and see how he handle it. Oh, and try to borrow a relative's baby so that he can experience a Poonami. Methinks he's getting all soppy in there, searching for things to literally look forward to...but the Disney version. Let's just watch that space... But I don't see any Fat Lady having sung. (Parenting... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, haha. But so worth it. I didn't even want to get married or have a kid...spent years, going, Nope...Nope...Nopenopenope, not interested, not for me......and then I did and then I did. Best, most satisfying and fascinating job I ever did. Frankly. Yeah, it knackers you (both ways), but it really does toughen you up. As for my kid (now young grown-up): no complaints what-so-ever and it's mutual. Love him to the moon and back, absolutely. And back again.) ___________________________________________________ "You asked why I am so hard on myself. I expect a lot from me. I have been given a lot and I feel like I need to live up to the standards that I have set for myself." Is that another way of saying that you're used to having to fight and battle for everything (and discovered you're a really skilled battler)? "I try to treat the people in my life the way I want to be treated." Your manners and etiquette are exceptional. Don't think I didn't notice. So your parents had high standards, then? Or are you just really good at being good and like the clean conscience? Or/and is there someone up there you're determined to see again? Or/and you have a scientifically inquisitive mind? "Most of the time I am disappointed" OH....Don't get me started! Suffice it to say: join the club, and (mostly) Constantly Disappointed High-Five! "but it doesn't mean I am going to change who I am." That's what *I* thought. And then I hit Spain. EVERYONE here is flakey. I usually run my life like a military exercise - Spontenaeity and chopping-and-changing is not for me - unless I'm already out. This is why I can't even turn-up on-time on here any more. Drives me crazy (everyone else as well I imagine). People don't realise the knock-on effect of how they are and behave...it's like a giant Mexican Wave or ripples in a vast lake. Since Brexit and Covid, the famous Spanish attitude of Manana, Manana has turned into Un Ano, Un Ano (...runs over cartoon hill and screams AAAARGH! and runs back again). My point there, is that Things Change - Feelings Change - Attitudes Change..... But that doesn't mean they can't go back again (ref Travis' reaction). But, changing expectations is different from changing what you neither can nor NEED to change, though. (PS: Ah say, Lassie - ezn't Trrravis a wee Scooort-esh name frrrom thuh High-lunds?) "You asked what I like doing." Correct (hahaha). That's Ten more points on the scoreboard... "I love to cook!! I am actually a very good cook. It is difficult to cook for one person." Oh! Oooh! Snap. What are your most Wow savoury dishes and puddings? "The friend who passed away was always the happy recipient of my culinary adventures." OH... :( "I took her something every time I made anything." ...which, I suppose, gave you the motivation to create something in the first place, yes? Here - are you any good at cakes and homemade sweets, like Fudge? "I also love to read." Snap again! Ever read Wild Swans? Jeez, if you got into that, you'd be sorted for a good month! It's a huge book - and yet you still feel like crying when you reach the last page... The sort of book you could read over and over each year (well, I could/am, hahaha...but I don't have time any more, except in Summer, on the beach). "My major in college was English Literature. I have been an avid reader as long as I can remember. I have, unexpectedly, found it difficult to concentrate while reading since Travis has been gone." YES. That's why I'm recommending Wild Swans. It builds quite slowly for the first few chapters and then YOU ARE SUCKED IN WHETHER YOU WANT TO BE OR NOT! "I wasn't prepared for that. Reading has been an escape for me my whole life." An Escape? Or a Pause Button? (Your starter for Ten and No Conferring, haha.) PS: Do you want to try answering some threads? You'd REALLY be helping me out; I'm trying to keep on top of everyone (oo-er!) (not like that, haha) but NOW...OF COURSE... I'm coming down with a bloody Sinus Cold....MEH. Emotional Blackmail not intended - just say No if it's not something you want to try. But it IS good for the self-esteem (majorly) and you WOULD, basically - certainly the long-stayers - make a few Ether Pen-Pals?...AND would help me out a lot (win/win). Food for thought? ___________________________________________________ "My work schedule is a little unpredictable, especially during the holiday season," OH, GOOD. That suits! Haha. "but please let me know what works best for you and I will do my best to adhere." I'm not sure yet...I thought things had gone sleepybyes cos of Winter, but - nope...not quite yet. I've decided not to do Xmas this year. Got guests just after New Year (detest NY - ugh - sooo artificial and superficial...and other ficials). So I'll undoutedly do a Lonely At Xmas thread again.... I say again, but it's been years since the last..I think? "BTW. it's my birthday. I'm 52 today." OH, ROUND OBJECTS - wish I'd had a chance to read this before now! Oh, cripes... Well - Very Happy (Belated) Birthday. Was it ok? Fifty-two. Fab age. It's the new 42, you see. :) (Do you look younger than your parents' generation when they were over 50?) ___________________________________________________ "Do I smoke? Yes I do, cigarettes not anything else, I have since I was about 17. Why do you ask?" Just wanted to know if you wanted one. (hur hur) No - I'm just nosy. But you do sound like a smoker. ...Straight Smoker, I mean. Have you ever tried Madge? Filter-Tips or Roll-Your-Own? I'm the latter, but I spray mine with Vanilla or Spearmint...num-num...goes really well with real Coffee. You into Coffee? "What is Georgia like? Well it is beautiful. Everything from mountains to huge lakes, farm land, it has several islands and a nice coast on the Atlantic Ocean. It is a huge state!! It would take about 7 hours to drive from top to bottom on the freeway traveling around 70 mph." Wow that sounds gorgeous! (Or Georgiaous?, haha) (call the Georgia Tourist Board for me and see if they have a marketing vacancy, haha!) "Lots of rural areas that some people think are kind of backwards but there is a lot to appreciate about those small towns." Yeah, I'm a villagey type (minus the pitchfork). Definitely don't like big cities. Did when I was younger (London), but....nah... There's a saying that goes, If you're bored of London then you're basically dead. Oh yeah? I rather think I left London dead, ac-tually, hahahaha - BUT TRUE.......wore the bstd out.....oooh, the stories I could tell... "I went to visit Travis today and it went better than I expected. You may be right about him trying to protect himself." HURRAH!!! Already done my toljaso dance (damn!). But - brilliant! "We didn't talk too much about the things he said to me, I just couldn't start that conversation in an open room with dozens of other people and multiple guards." No. Plus - no need. Hence neither did he. "I couldn't put myself in the position of breaking down and being trapped there until I was allowed to leave with all of those people witnessing my pain and weakness." Huh? What weakness? OHHHHH, YOU MEAN, BEING HUMAN! "Oh, no!" HAHAHAHAHA. Listen - it's your party and you can cry if you want to. Crying is healthy and healthy is strong. The strongest people cry and don't give a sh*t. Plus it's all the rage nowadays (at bloody last). I cry whenever I want to. But then, I dictate the pack reaction by treating it as perfectly natural. My father was the same; other men really admired that about him. He'd blow his nose and go, "HAAA, that's better, I needed that!....who's round is it!?". Anyway, I expect Travis could tell you were holding tears back, yes? And I expect you wanted to demonstrate how self-controlled you can be, too, since it was kind of pertinent? If he does that sh*t again, however - wail your face off. And then throw your used tissues at him, going - 'You wanted tears so you can damn-well have them!'....and then flounce out with your head held high, like Scarlett O'Hara! "Visitors are not allowed to leave once they are checked in until the visitation time has ended." HUH???? SINCE WHEN?! And what if you need the loo? Tell me more about what it's like there? "My grandfather passed away the day after my birthday." OH, NO. Oh, Thea, I'm so sorry. You definitely are being pelted with mental dumbells, lately, aren't you. "He had been very ill and I think it was an end to his pain. Knowing that doesn't make it easier on those of us who love him." Nope. "I'm starting to think my birthday is a bad omen. Knowing what my biological mother went through the day I was born, her father was buried on my 25th birthday and now my biological father looses his father the day after my birthday." Well, hang on - you've just said this was an end to your grandfather's PAIN. I'm presuming, daily pain and over a long run-up? So how's that bad? That's liberating! "I think I'm gonna skip it from now on!!" You might be conflating what in fact is an highly common, perfectly natural attitude when one has gone over 50 ("Bah Humbug!...Birthdays are for kids"), with your pain over the shock Travis dealt you. See how you feel in a couple of days. Alternatively, there's always this: "Forget the presents and cards from now on, folks - I'll just take the cash" (haha, but worth a try?). "Hope to hear from you soon." Take out the 'soon' bit and - that's Ten more points! "Please let me know what kind of schedule you would like to set up." HAHAHAHAHA - ONE I CAN BLOODY STICK TO! You? (...forced to be flakey - moi? - no-no-no-no-no-NO! Let's think about late-night for me and after you get home from work - which, after making yourself a coffee/whatever and changing into your Slobbies would be, what time? And then we'll decide on a day. PS: 'What a palava!'. Nothing's easy any more, is it....)

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PS: "Methinks he's getting all soppy in there, searching for things to literally look forward to...but the Disney version." He's grieving Outside Life. And the grieving process, while you're still or just freshly broken-hearted, includes Deifying the "ex". INNIIIIIIIIT. My suggestion is: I do the analysing and you practise being more girly-babyish - including crying in front of him. Don't go as far as a Poonami - obviously, haha - but....let's see whether or not he gets all paternal with you. One, it'll be a very good litmus (no child needs a parent that shouts at them, ridicules or ignores them - or all three - when they cry so if he can't handle that, he is sadly not going to be good Father material. They have to be strong AND vulnerable - to suit any He-Man occasion. Makes me laugh how so many men don't know the REAL version of a Real Man these days.ç Really strong people aren't scared or ashamed of being a Fallable Human and needing from time to time to be Vulnerable (in its right place). (Opera-style:) FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC-CUH-TUH! And these macho men can't have it both ways, anyway. If women are supposed to be (sigh) wh*res in the bedroom and angels in the kitchen, then men have to be strong in the office but soft/downright mushy in the home. (Just made that up, actually, but then realised I was describing the 1950s, haha.) Hmm.... you guys have this in-common, don't you...these slightly unrealistic expectations of one another, all wrapped around your gender identities. Have you ever noticed that? Or is that what Georgia's like?.... Marlborough country-ish? Where Men Are Men (and Women Roll Their Eyes A Lot).

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Hello, it was really nice to hear from you. Sorry it took so long to reply. It's Thanksgiving day here in the US. Also happens to be the 2nd busiest day of the year for my restaurant. I worked from 9 this morning till about 9 tonight. I just got home an hour ago and read your message. I guess if we're assigning points you would loose a couple for the extended response time but I'm not one to keep a point system going in any sort of relationship. Which I think we are establishing to an extent. I made a list of your questions again. That's just the way my mind works. You asked about his family drinking. I don't think I'm able to judge if they are alcoholics, not my place, but I have rarely been around them when they were not drinking. Not to the point of being sloppy or not able to function but definitely at ease. I do not want kids!! I never have. So the idea of adopting or fostering is not something I would be interested in doing. Believe me travis knows that. I have enjoyed the time I spent with the twins and you are correct it was very nice to be able to give them back. Travis was always great with them and he spent a good deal of time changing them and getting up with them when they were babies. His sister, their mother, was not really prepared to be a mother and travis and his mother had a great deal of responsibility for them even before his mother took custody.

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You asked if I'm used to having to battle and I guess maybe I am. I don't know how good I am at battling but I don't shy away from a challenge. Yes my parents set high standards and expectations for me. I'm sorry to say I have been a disappointment. I didn't "live up to my potential ". High IQ, great grades and test scores, they expected me to be a lawyer, not a waitress and bartender. I enjoy what I do though. As far as the question of if there is someone I am determined to see again, I assume you are talking about the after life. I'm not sure I believe in that idea. Oddly enough I was raised Roman Catholic so I should. Somehow it never made sense to me. That could be the scientific inquisitive you refer to. Reading is an escape. I loose myself in the story, the characters, the words in general. I can literally shut out anything and everything around me. I also read and comprehend very quickly. I devour an average 500 page book in a couple days. I rarely read a book more than once. There are a few exceptions. I will look into Wild Swans.

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On to cooking. I mainly do savory dishes. A wide variety. There are a few sweet things. My favorite is something called Kentucky butter cake. Think about it as pound ake on steroids. The most moist, buttery cake ever. I am not familiar with Madge. I smoke camels 🐫. As far as crying in front of him, NO!! Not in front of all those guards. Not going to let them know what I am going through. Not going to give them something to snicker about when they get together and judge the people who are going through the hell that they are part of creating. There is a bathroom, loo, in the visitation area. Only 1. Visitors are able to use it but once you are checked into the visit area you cannot leave until the time is up. You go through several different check points to get in. You have to leave you car keys and ID at the first check. Then you go through a full body scan, just like the one at the airport. You have to take your shoes off and glasses. I am not allowed to wear a watch or ant rings. 1 necklace is okay and 1 pair of earrings. I can bring a clear plastic bag with 10 dollars in quarters and 1 credit or debit card. These are for the vending machines. I am assigned a seat in a plastic chair with a small table and another chair on the other side for travis to sit in. Once they allow travis in he can hug me and give me a kiss briefly, 30 or 45 seconds. After that he has to sit in his chair. He can get up once to use a bathroom, loo, for the inmates only. I can get up as often as I want and get him things from the vending machines. Everything in them is processed crap but he is so hungry that he is just happy to be able to eat as much as I can get. They give a 2 minute notice when the 2 hour visit is ending and once again we can hug and kiss briefly. Once the visit is over the Visitors are held in a room while the inmates are searched. Yes its what you think. When all of the inmates have been searched the Visitors are allowed to leave, again through a series of large metal doors that are electronically unlocked one at a time. And finally i am given back my ID and car keys and I can start the 3 hour drive home. I don't think I can properly convey just how traumatic the entire experience is.

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As far as me responding to threads. I'm not sure I understand how that works. I know you responded to me and I am thankful. How would I find people to respond to? How would I determine who to contact? Am I too wrapped up in my own crap to be of any use to anyone else? I am not sure I have the patience you have displayed. You seem to have a level of care and kindness that I don't think I possess. I would hate to be dismissive or insensitive toward someone if they were lonely or hurting the way I am. BTW please take care of yourself. I have grown to rely on our communication, it gives me a strange kind of comfort. I always thought it was bizarre, the idea of spilling my pain to a stranger I would never meet. It is better than I thought it would be. Maybe we could talk about what it would involve. I'm not sure but I'm not totally opposed. Don't start dancing again!!

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Heya! Bear with me again - aware you (and others) are waiting so I've marked tomorrow night.

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Please don't rush anything. Take care of yourself. I am not going anywhere.

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Heya! Forget the 'gameshow contestant points-scoring' stuff - it was just me being playful and joking around, but it obviously got lost in translation - no worries, haha! "I guess if we're assigning points you would loose a couple for the extended response time " That's true, however. Even bigger However, however, is that I'm not supposed to be the sole - or only other now that Fangtail's getting nicely stuck-in - poster in the first place. Methinks people are coming from Quora and aren't familiar with how this fairly old-fashioned forum works. Posters are supposed to post their own thread and do a "tit for tat" by responding to the threads of others present (if they can relate or even just know how to express sympathy...it's about hand-holding, first and foremost, and undeserving victims banding together. (Hopefully everyone here will get to read this, otherwise I'll have to compose a How This Works notice (meh).) Anyhoo....here's what's jumped out at me from your latest... "I made a list of your questions again. That's just the way my mind works." (I know. And it's wonderful. But...) Over-Modesty Alert! (aka dislike of compliments). That's the first thing. (My suggestion would be to just say, "Thanks" and maybe add, "And thanks for noticing!". Or just plain "Cheers".) Not used to compliments, then? "You asked about his family drinking. I don't think I'm able to judge if they are alcoholics, not my place, but I have rarely been around them when they were not drinking. Not to the point of being sloppy or not able to function but definitely at ease." They drink far more than the recommended amount so - very heavy drinkers is safe to say. But that amount does make a difference to how they think and function (as well as who they'd choose as friends, etc.). . So that answers my question - thanks. "I do not want kids!! I never have. So the idea of adopting or fostering is not something I would be interested in doing. Believe me travis knows that." Yes, I know he knows that. I think he just wanted to hear that you'd do certain gigantic things as a way to gain reassurance. It may be that in his time in there so far, some friend he's made has just been chucked by letter or something, which would have rattled him. "I have enjoyed the time I spent with the twins and you are correct it was very nice to be able to give them back. Travis was always great with them and he spent a good deal of time changing them and getting up with them when they were babies. His sister, their mother, was not really prepared to be a mother and travis and his mother had a great deal of responsibility for them even before his mother took custody." Oh, right - good! How old are they now, then? Do you know the reason(s) behind why you've never wanted kids? ****************** "You asked if I'm used to having to battle and I guess maybe I am. *I don't know how good I am at battling but I don't shy away from a challenge." In other words - *very. (Cool!) "Yes my parents set high standards and expectations for me. I'm sorry to say I have been a disappointment. I didn't "live up to my potential ". High IQ, great grades and test scores, they expected me to be a lawyer, not a waitress and bartender." All a parent has a right to expect - and hugely hope for - is that you will be earning enough, doing things and hanging out with friends that make you HAPPY. That, in this context, is the very definition of a successful child. They'll live, haha. "I enjoy what I do though." Boom! You are successful - FACT. (Your parents obviously never had that natural, true, correct, healthy attitude taught to them.) And especially if you really enjoy always giving anything your all and doing your utmost - to YOUR pride and satisfaction. New Mantra (for countering your parents' 'disappointment'): Happiness is not measured by Success. Success is measured by Happiness. (Or even just contentment.) ************************ "As far as the question of if there is someone I am determined to see again, I assume you are talking about the after life. *I'm not sure I believe in that idea. Oddly enough I was raised Roman Catholic so I should. Somehow it never made sense to me. That could be the scientific inquisitive you refer to." *Pretend you do, and, who would it be? (Nice try, though, haha. ;)) (FYI, I see latent Rebellion in your mix (..."Nooo - really?", haha). (Don't blame you a jot, though. Plus, in the right place, it's a good thing...a great thing, in fact. If you know how to handle that massive 'weapon'.)) PS: Man-made religion gets abused, sometimes until it's recognisable. But you might want to read, "Jesus The Man" - by Dr Barbara Thiering (aus Biblical scholar and theologian, ex-nun). Dare you to put that down as well! It'll help the real stuff behind the crowd/women/child-controlling 'bastardisation' suddenly for the first time make complete sense, trust me on that. I won't say any more, including, how, or it'll spoil it for you. Re. the scientific inquisitiveness: you do sound very academic/left-brained, yes. I suspect your inner animal is the one rebelling, because, having had your Left hemisphere so well developed, she now needs a lot more emotional and spiritual training to make You complete (well-developed in the Right hemisphere). You haven't had enough Pastoral care (e.g. the types of schools you attended?). Fair obvservation? Me, I'm once-geek/nerd turned half-geek/nerd, half-cool-kid/hippy. I was lopsided and kept 'falling over'. I was supposed to be a scientist or concert pianist. Do you play any instrument? Or, used to? "Reading is an escape. I loose myself in the story, the characters, the words in general. I can literally shut out anything and everything around me. I also read and comprehend very quickly. I devour an average 500 page book in a couple days. I rarely read a book more than once. There are a few exceptions. " Not just an escape. A door into the emotional world. You read to learn and to experience and develop by-proxy. Emotional self-educating. You're a self-tutor - and -healer (normally). Again - fair obf I think you're going to RUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HEALLY enjoy Wild Swans and Jesus The Man. In fact, I'd bet big money on it. There's no sensationalism or melodrama about Jung Xang's auto-biography (it doesn't bloody need it!), just plain "telling it like it was", which, funnily enough, makes it all the more emotional. In other words, she doesn't dictate how you should feel and react to what she writes, she gives your own emotionality complete space and freedom. I also suspect, because otherwise it'd be too emotional to take. But it's bloody fascinating and inspiring...I'd say, a life-changer (both books). I made the mistake of taking Wild Swans on my honeymoon...haha, whoops!........."Are you COMING swimming or are you gonna read that book all day long!". Let's just say - good job it wasn't waterproof. However, what made me laugh my socks off was that (ex) spousie-wousie picked it up as soon as I'd finished, wherepon the roles were reversed and I was instantly forgiven! (I didn't mind, though - I totally got it and am no hypocrite! haha...I swam by myself and made sand sculptures - including a sleeping cat!...had a great time!) It was a conversational topic for.... pff, ages! - I can't even remember...forever, I think! Does Travis read? ************************** The Kentucky Butter Cake sound delicious...I love butter, particularly salted...all diary products, really. Haha, you've made me hungry, just realised I haven't had supper yet (another busy day)! Shows you have a sensual side, that cake does. (Yeah....who knew even cake has a meaning? Hahaha.) But, I was just thinking...whether you could make and sell your cakes, etc., to your neighbours for cash? I've a friend/ex-neighbour in England doing that as we speak...started during Lockdown. She's now taking requests. They also buy from another neighbour whom normally sells wine and champagne to hotels but began selling around the neighbourhood, door-to-door/orders by email or call/text, again during Lockdown. I've tried both of their wares and - YYYYYYYYYYUM. Idea? "NO!! Not in front of all those guards. Not going to let them know what I am going through. Not going to give them something to snicker about when they get together and judge the people who are going through the hell that they are part of creating. " Would they?! Wouldn't they get BORED doing that, day-in-day-out?? Have you witnessed or overheard them doing this? And - are prisons underfeeding their inmates now, as well? Anyway - what a palava...talk about, 'shaking the tree' (making it a huge effort so that 'time-wasters' won't bother). Still, at least it makes each visit 'an occasion', yes? "Once they allow travis in he can hug me and give me a kiss briefly, 30 or 45 seconds." How fast can you guys snog? "Once the visit is over the Visitors are held in a room while the inmates are searched. Yes its what you think." Oh my sodding god. Scuse French, but - jeeeeez. (Dare you to stick an artificial/silk flower up there next time, and to whomever finds it, say, 'Well, I figured, since we're on such intimate terms....?' - or a little note wrapped in Clingfilm that reads, 'How was it for you, Handsome? - and give a really wide, toothy grin!) (Do they have a SOH?). It'll be even funnier if it's a woman, hahaha". I know I would, hahaha. I mean - really....You've got to laugh or else you'd cry, eh! "I don't think I can properly convey just how traumatic the entire experience is." Self-Under-Estimation Alert, parte deux! Mate, you just did. And that's how I KNOW you're going to love Wild Swans. You write just like her. (Ta-daa.) ***************************** No need to stress about posting. If you're worried about it, that simply means you're not ready. Fairenoughski. But I will explain how, etc. in my next post. Running out of time, though, got to be up early tomorrow (nooooooooooooooooooooo!) (I am not a Morning person as you've probably gathered) (are you?). (Arnie voice:) I'll be back!

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"Don't start dancing again!!" I'm dancing right now. Wotcha gonna do aboud id, eh? What, you think you're the only rebel in the village? (;) joke!)

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PS: am I to assume correctly that you and T haven't ever had a dog or cat? I think he needs something to nurture/teach/rear and suspect you aren't that comfortable with letting him 'baby' you? Again - fair suspicion? A puppy or kitten when he comes home would make a surprisingly huge difference, I reckon. Paws for thought?

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So many things to respond to. I am sorry I did not understand how the format works. This is the first time I have tried anything like this. I looked at a few postings and I will continue to try to find something I don't feel awkward jumping in on. I am actually rather shy and putting myself out there is scary. I don't want to take advantage of the system that has been set up so I promise I am going to truly make an effort. I do understand that you were not serious about the points thing. My response was supposed to be a bit teasing. Guess that feel flat. And thank you for the compliments. They are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and energy, your interest and kindness. Also for the book recommendations. I have ordered Wild Swans. As to who I would like to see again. It is not a very long list. My mother, she passed a little over 10 years ago. Also my best friend growing up. He passed when I was 15. I have lost others but those are the 2 I miss the most.

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You asked about me never wanting children. I knew at a fairly young age that I didn't. No part of it is attractive to me. I don't want to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, change diapers. I don't want to be that responsible for another human being. I am relatively sure a large part of it is selfishness, but I think the flip side is fear. Me not loving the kid or the kid not loving me? Not being able to give the child what it needed and deserved? The twins are 12. They will be 13 in a few months. So I have been "aunt" for going close to 10 years. Travis and I had a friendship for about 9 months before there was anything romantic. They had come to stay with us when we were just roommates. I was actually uncomfortable when they started calling me aunt because I didn't think I would be in their lives very long. I really didn't have any plan or idea that Travis and I would ever be anything other than friends and roommates. You asked about pets I have a cat. He is 14. His name is Shithead. Believe me he earned it! I call him Thea. He has cancer and every day I have left to spend with him is one I cherish. He is spoiled rotten. Sleeps under the covers with me every night. Travis had a dog when he first moved in with me, as a roommate, and the dog is still with his family. Every time I visit them the dog expects me to put him in the car and take him back to Travis. It hurts me to pull away from their house and see the dog looking after me.

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You asked if I truly believe the prison guards talk about the inmates and their visitors. The answer is yes. The attitude toward the inmates is that they are less than humans. They are just cattle to be herded. They are fed enough to keep them alive, the quality of the food is not something I would be willing to feed my cat. The quantity is minimal. Most inmates are constantly hungry. They offer a commissary that inmates can order from, if they have the money, but what they are able to order is super processed junk food. I am able to order some things that are better once a month to be delivered but there is nothing fresh. No fruits or vegetables. Maybe a banana once a week. They are afraid the inmates will use fresh fruits to make alcohol.

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I looked at a few threads this evening and I almost responded to on. Give me some more time and I think I can get up the courage. I'm still concerned that I can't be as objective as you have been, that I will let what I am going through cloud my opinions. I am going to answer the last question you asked. I played the piano for many years. My parents got me an amazing piano for my 11th birthday. My father still has it at his house. I also played the bass. I was in the orchestra all of middle and high school. My orchestra director actually had the bass as his concentration for his degree. I was in private Catholic schools for my entire 1-12 education. I was in boarding school for high school. It was an amazing education. I was given every opportunity and had resources that you wouldn't even believe. It was a blessing and a curse because, although I was able to have this brilliant education, it has made me painfully aware of the short comings of the education those less fortunate received. Travis was one of those who received a subpar education. He does not read much. I have sent him 2 books about 3 months ago and he is struggling to get through them. The twins share what is all too common with the public education system in the US, reading comprehensive issues. The words they read just don't compute. It's sad.

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Heya! "I looked at a few postings and I will continue to try to find something I don't feel awkward jumping in on." Yeah - exactly! When you see one that's right, you'll 'do a Finding Nemo Seagull' and go, "Mine!...mine!-mine!-mine!-mine!" and won't feel shy or awkward at all, those won't even occur to you. That's it - so, yes, wait for that! :) No pressure-o, Senorina!

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OMG, That is my absolute favorite part of that movie!!!

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" I do understand that you were not serious about the points thing. My response was supposed to be a bit teasing. Guess that feel flat. " OH. Haha. Right then - that just means we need to tune our radios more to the same wavelength. Tell me your all-time favourite joke and I'll tell you if it's my kind of humour - and vice versa.... So here's mine: Mickey Mouse goes to see his Lawyer because he wants to divorce Minnie Mouse. After listening to Mickey's reason, his the Lawyer says: "Hmmm, I see..........-Thing is, Mickey...even in these liberal times, I'm nnnnnot sure Minnie having buck teeth is sufficient grounds when it comes to actual Divorce. Mickey replies: "....I didn't say that. I said, it's because she's f**king Goofy." :D (?)

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How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one she holds it up and lets the world revolve around her. I'm blonde btw.

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I found your joke quite funny. I am going to share it!

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"I have ordered Wild Swans" Oh good! Remember, the first two chapters are slow-ish going. But that suits your mood and the fact you don't feel that interested just lately. You can take nibbles until you start stuffing it down. "As to who I would like to see again. It is not a very long list. My mother, she passed a little over 10 years ago. Also my best friend growing up. He passed when I was 15." Cool! (And why aren't I surprised that your bessie at 15 was a lad. PS: Do you have brothers? It's just that I've noticed you have a few quite masculine attitudes, interestingly. In fact, you and "Nav" are striking me as having quite a lot in common that way.) ****************************** "I knew at a fairly young age that I didn't. No part of it is attractive to me." What's 'fairly young' - can you remember? And were you ever interested in playing with dolls and "The Dressing-up Box"? "I don't want to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, change diapers. I don't want to be that responsible for another human being. I am relatively sure a large part of it is selfishness, but I think the flip side is fear. Me not loving the kid or the kid not loving me? Not being able to give the child what it needed and deserved? " Okay, so, out of all of those reasons - if you could pick just one as the ultimate dealbreaker, which would it be? PS: it might not be selfishness, it might be the (misguided) opposite, but, ...don't know yet. And anyway, we're supposed to be selfish about some things whilst generous with others, it's about keeping a balance; it's OVER-selfishness that sometimes counts as a negative, depending on the situation, whereas putting yourself first likewise can be the only sensibly altruistic thing to do - prime e.g., airlines' advice of Own Oxygen Mask First. Fear isn't selfishness's flipside - lack of fear is. So, really, it's not selfishness to begin with, is it. It's fear. But fear of what? Finding you don't love the kid or vice versa and finding out you were unable to meet the child's needs and wants? What is - or what WAS - your evidence for that, given that you sound like the perfect Parent Lite figure of Auntie and seemingly have received no complaints so far...plus the fact you enjoy them and seem to be suitably fond of them? (PS: "I was actually uncomfortable when they started calling me aunt because I didn't think I would be in their lives very long" I think anyone with integrity and conscientiousness would have been, in your position, because it was premature. However, understandably, those kids at the time would have been crying out for an (still-young) female role model to attach to...and urgently. But anyway, that's nothing unusual.) " have a cat. He is 14. His name is Shithead." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Oh, a woman after my own heart! As a pre-teen, I wanted to call mine Smelly...just so's I would get to go outside and yell out 'SMELLY!' every night. I wasn't allowed (spoilsports). But - HAHAHAHAHA! - that is priceless, I love it!! So - do you?...shout out 'Shithead' every night? "I call him Thea." Ohhhhhhh.... Clever. So um...if I wanted to be formal with you I should call you....? (HAHAHAHAH!!!!, you've started me off now!) "I didn't think I would be in their lives very long." Freudian Slip? Compare: (a) I didn't think I would be in their lives (for) very long (b) I didn't know I'd be in their lives for so long. Why weren't you that sure about Travis? Or was this more about, your simply not wanting to further down the line find yourself, even potentially no matter how remotely, in a position of having to let those twins down? Question: did this make you feel a bit pressured into having to commit to Travis deeper - or far sooner - than you'd intended or ordinarily would have? I must admit, it would me... being faced by 'me in the past' (not just the one, but two!) and having to risk even the possibility of dealing the same (acute) blow that I'd been dealt (chronically), by virtue of perhaps finding out the guy wasn't sufficiently my cup of tea. Did it? "He has cancer and every day I have left to spend with him is one I cherish." AWWWWW, b**gger - really? Ach. " He is spoiled rotten. Sleeps under the covers with me every night. " Oh, well...if anything's going to prolong a cat's life it's being loved and pampered to that degree so - keep trucking! And - I've also just realised - you do have a kid. :) Just a furry one. And very safe one. But what's wrong with that? Nada. The important thing is (to-programme) loving and cherishing and enhancing the life of a sentient being. Well, two if we count Travis! (rolls on floor at own joke) But I think THAT is your evidence...ectually (childish "mleugh" LOL), and the verdict is in favour of the Defense. You are perfectly capable of a close, intimate, mother-child dynamic. Voila. Truth is (and you must have experienced this for yourself with the twins), all you have to know to get pregnant is how to love and care for a kitten. The rest you learn ON the job...as you go (steadily). Your kid teaches you what it needs (through whinging mostly, LOL). And/Or it comes out instinctually. But not everybody has the gargantuan patience you have. Too few, in fact. And that's the first thing you need. Daily. So, then, Thea (LOL! - pronounced Tuh-Hea) . that was a giant Limited Belief about yourself, then, wasn't it. How many guilt-ridden years did that thought cost ya? (Alright if I keep calling you what I thought was "Tia"?) (Hahah...you've definitely found my funnybone now - there you go!) "Travis had a dog when he first moved in with me, as a roommate, and the dog is still with his family. Every time I visit them the dog expects me to put him in the car and take him back to Travis. It hurts me to pull away from their house and see the dog looking after me." Ahhhhhhhhh.... :( Maybe take him a treat each time and give it to him as you say goodbye? That might cheer him up and turn every parting into a joy for him, instead? PS: ""I have ordered Wild Swans"" You're VERY dynamic. Definitely a Mover-Shaker. I'm thinking you were "made" to be "just" (WHAT- wash your mouth out!) a bartender and NOT have a full-blown kid because you're meant to evolve into something. Again - you and Nav have this "thing" about you... hard to put into words but I can feel there's something waiting for you both and it's going to be big. The way you're both being shaped...you "obstacle courses" you've been violently, suddenly thrown onto (equals - not that far off in the future).... Can you feel something like that brewing somehow? Your life, surely, must feel quite surreal, lately, so - while you're in that 'open' mind state you might be receptive to it but didn't know what it was? (I sound like a kook now, but, never mind - I am actually serious.)

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"You asked if I truly believe the prison guards talk about the inmates and their visitors. The answer is yes." Oh, good god! Then we know what THEY are, don't we, children! (Bullies...Malignant Narcs, for whom feeling Power Over is as vital as oxygen, hence can't get bored of it because oxygen isn't an option. (See how that works?)) Give them a wide berth or, bettr yet, have fun experimenting on them, seeing how easily you can butter them up (become a "Supply" source - google) until they're putty in your hands. Honestly, when you see it working, it's hare not to laugh. "The attitude toward the inmates is that they are less than humans." There but for the Grace of God, go they. Ironic, when in a lot of cases, their types are the ones who should be banged up because they're the ones that howevermuch eff-up kids in the first place! (Try that one for Ironic size, Alanis!) "They are just cattle to be herded. They are fed enough to keep them alive, the quality of the food is not something I would be willing to feed my cat. The quantity is minimal. Most inmates are constantly hungry. They offer a commissary that inmates can order from, if they have the money, but what they are able to order is super processed junk food." Jeeezuz Louizuz... I don't even know what to say. Don't people know this? What's being done about it? ARE YOU KEEPING A DIARY? Can you become a secret squirrel and make a concerted effort to observe things really closely, like you've been doing? And could you keep one for Travis too? This is a rare opportunity for someone like you, I'd have thought. Undercover investigator. Ah-hah-haaah. What do you think? (I'd buy the expose, I know that!) "I am able to order some things that are better once a month to be delivered but there is nothing fresh. No fruits or vegetables. Maybe a banana once a week. They are afraid the inmates will use fresh fruits to make alcohol." Thank god for bananas! Why only a banana, though? Or should I not ask? (Sorry, LOL, but it has to be said!)

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"I looked at a few threads this evening and I almost responded to on. Give me some more time and I think I can get up the courage. " No-no-no-no...No pressure. Just a case of - don't ask, don't get. As I say - just wait until one makes you forget yourself.

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"I'm still concerned that I can't be as objective as you have been, that I will let what I am going through cloud my opinions." Yes, you could well end up projecting, in which case, that's instinctively very sensible, very morally- and socially-responsible a decision. Not that it matters in application, however, because, often, someone getting a conclusion or opinion wrong just help you eliminate one or more things from your enquiry (so to speak) and gets you to Conclusion City, regardless that it wasn't via Route A, but B. It's all good in the hood. But waiting to feel grabbed is best, because it'll mean you do have the headspace, even just at that one moment in time and you have months until another grabs you. Your available grief and adjustment processing capacity definitely should go on you first.

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" was in the orchestra all of middle and high school. My orchestra director actually had the bass as his concentration for his degree. I was in private Catholic schools for my entire 1-12 education. I was in boarding school for high school." "Pee-yah-no" High Five! Which bass, though? Guitar, Double, Cello, Drum...? "It was an amazing education. I was given every opportunity and had resources that you wouldn't even believe." Try me! "It was a blessing and a curse because, although I was able to have this brilliant education, it has made me painfully aware of the short comings of the education those less fortunate received. " HAH! THERE IT IS! (Time for my There It Is song: Thereidiiiiiz....Thereidiiiiiz-what toooook-us so lo-o-ooong, Oooh, to find your-vocation, bay-ay-bee!) Let's repeat that....and put it with what's happened and what you're going through...observing...noticing... "the short comings of the education those less fortunate received." This is your practical. You're a self-educator. Legal was close. But not close enough. PS I think you're very objective. Jung Xang/Chang-esque, remember? Talk about eventual egg-on-face for your ill-emotionally-educated aka "disappointed" parents. (Tell 'em - Oranges aren't the only fruit) (for starters, there are bananas hahaha). You're just a late developer. JOIN THE CLUB! (Don't mean me, but, almost everyone else here.) It's you, Thea. You fear your own heart, as in, letting it go. Because you know it's a giant and what it's capable of. You fear your own power. Again - join the club. I'm glad you've got time on your hands. You need to get better acquainted with yourself. You haven't really had someone reflecting you back to yourself before, have you. Ha. Maybe another book you should read - before the other two - is "Not Now, Bernard". I heavily suspect that the place and position you're being life-primed for, having instinctually headed for, is going to be a very self-customised, new and innovative role, not a societally-made or -prescribed one. You're a leader, not a follower. And you take your time and make sure you're SURE-sure-sure-sure-sure before you then VROOOM! GO FOR IT! That's what I see/feel/smell in you and brewing to meet you on the outside. You're in training as we speak. :)

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I tried it. So scared. Take a look and see what you think. I responded to maple.

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Or maybe I didn't. I can't figure out how this works. I sent a message but I'm not sure it went through.

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"Travis was one of those who received a subpar education. He does not read much. I have sent him 2 books about 3 months ago and he is struggling to get through them." Usually, that's a sign the kid wasn't routinely read a bedtime book. :( Instead of books - blokey comics. Preferrably witty ones. Or something like, Gary Larson's "The Far Side" series...or Cyanide & Happiness (the earlier stuff)....hardbacks, but still basically comic strips. Get him into the habit of reading first, THEN he'll be able to manage books. Baby Steps. Another one - which is for big kids as much as little: the Dr Seuss series. (Tell Travis, since he's mostly eating Green Eggs & Ham these days, he may as well be reading about them too, haha.) Very inspiring and eye-opening he was, though. E.g. "Be who you are and say how you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". It's just full of 'cut the crap' truisms. His neglected inner kid will adore them, I'm sure. Secret self-help books and quotes for the incarcerated and powerless, his stuff is. He's one of my heroes. He probably saved sooo many kids' sanities. Send the lot! Now those he could trade.

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"Reading Comprehension" issues? Like what? I'll bid you goodnight now as I've just noticed it's barely night any more, yikes! I'll be back on tomorrow though - failing that, Sunday. The weekends do seem easier. Oh, wait - just realised you've posted anew!... "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one she holds it up and lets the world revolve around her. I'm blonde btw." HAHAHAHAHA! Not only is the joke funny, but so is the add-on! PS: sorry - not Limited - Self-Limiting (Belief). Throw that bit of your baggage away now (that's its own Holdall, that is!...talk about weeighing and slowing you down!) With your patience, staying powerm, maturity, dignified self-restraint, and pragmatic, no-fuss, commonsense, straightfoward emotionality, you'd have made a brilliant mum - faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar better than your own parents, especially as you got taught How To via What NOT To Do (which actually is faster and deeper because us beans remember negativities better than positivities...blah-blah survival programming trumps all). It was always untrue about you. Send it into the stratosphere with a huge rugby kick and give it the middle finger as it disappears to a speck and heads out of our solar system and into a Black Hole. Talk about parental propaganda (even by impressions) as an avoidance of the "Not Now, Bernard" elephant in the beeping room. But actually, in terms of application...practical reality... you ARE a Mum. To (LOL) Shithead, Travis, the two twins, and until recently, that lady you cooked cordon-blue style for. A Foster Mum. Because you make your own rules and create your own roles, which you'd have to, being so unconventional yourself. Youz a Maverick cog in the great machine. :) I'll say it again: definitely-definitely start keeping a diary of yours and Travis' experiences. Future You will kick Present You into the middle of next week if you fail to - TRUST ME ON THAT. You can decide what and whether to do with it when you get there. For now, "just Nike" - yeh?

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"I tried it. So scared. Take a look and see what you think. I responded to maple." Oh - okay!.... I'll do that while I brush my teeth....

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No, it's not taken. If you take a long time to compose it in the posting box (as I non-technically-mindedly call it), the 'Puter' can log you out, meaning, you press Click once to submit while logged-out...so it doesn't register and publish. The way to do it is keep intermittently pressing Ctrl and A together (to highlight All) followed by Ctrl and C together (for Copy). Then if it doesn't take, you can press Ctrl and V (for Paste), rather than lose it. If you prefer, however, you can post it here first and I'll give you my feedback or any pointers? And then when you've posted it, I can have your draft here, deleted? Alternatively, the fact it didn't take, might be Fate's way of saying - Not Yet. ?? Sup 2 U entirely. I wouldn't say no pressure if I didn't mean it. I'd say this: "OH, PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE HELP ME WITH THE POSTING?.... I'LL LET YOU HAVE MY LAST ROLO?!...*AND* OWE YOU ONE?" (I'm not above begging if the chips are too down, hahaha!) "Night!" for now...

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I will try again.

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I still can't see anything. Do you want to email Richard in case there's a techie glitch going on? (Green top banner - Support - Technical support). Otherwise, you could compose it here and I'll post it in on your behalf, making it clear it's from you? Otherwise, it is looking a bit like Fate's yelling, TOO SOON! Email Richard, see if he can advise you and eliminate 'the earthly'/practical reason from your 'Enquiry`. If it still doesn't work, we'll have to presume "it/him/them up there/Fate" (could even be your mum??) is/are blocking you for a very good reason but which you're not privy to.... Keeping you free and available? Who knows? But stranger things have happened. PS: Finding Nemo High Five!!! Talk about Colour Therapy....amazing animation... just all-round lovely. I adore all the Pixars, actually. Plus, you'd never get me deep-sea diving so that's the closest I can get, haha!

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I haven't tried again. I will but I kinda put it all out there with the message that didn't work and I need to get myself ready to try again. It was scary and it made me feel vulnerable. I'm not good in that place so it may take a minute. I'm sorry.

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Okay I tried again. Reviews please?

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Well I guess maybe I screwed up. Sorry. I thought I could maybe provide some of the comfort you have given me but I shouldn't have tried. I am enjoying the book. Thank you for that. Again I am really sorry. Please pass on my apologies to the poor person I intruded upon. Let her know I won't bother her again.

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Heya! Sorry - I haven't had a chance to look since last post!... BRB...

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Thea, those were really good - just the ticket! Sadly, it appears Maple isn't coming back, but, rest assured, there are lurkers (the really-really shy ones) who'll have been reading along and still will, whom likewise relate to her situation and feelings, so you've helped them with your gentle and concerned tone (nice!) plus sharing of coping mechanisms. That, and the fact you care. :) I'd be really happy for you to keep posting everywhere and anywhere if that's what you fancied, but, I detect you're getting sucked-in to Wild Swans already, haha! Maybe wait until you've read it. Because, believe you me, that one is a genuine consciousness heightener alright! You'll come out even wiser and clearer thinking! The one about Jesus-the-man, however, sends you to another galaxy entirely! Talk about eye-opening and mind-blowing! I'm about to re-read "We have to talk about Kevin" (the film was shite in comparison - Tilda Swinton was a total miscast AND the egotistical director changed the plot and details too much....don't you hate it when they do that? Mind you, Lionel Shriver must have agreed to it so - booo, hiss! Oh, another mind-exerciser-expander: "Life of Pi" (yeay, baby....soooo original!). Redbirds is one that Travis would love - once he'd practised on the comic books (did you order him Cyanide & Happiness?....soo hilarious and clever, the first few, especially). Where have you got to? Are you still on the Great-Grandmother where it talks about what was involved in the foot-binding? (Hope that's not a spoiler, but it'd only be a tiny one - jam packed with events, it is!) I'm still waiting for them to make a film Trilogy. Why aren't they?! I love Chinese films. They are maestro at acting, including stunning cinematography throughout. And if you enjoy Wild Swans, then you'd love these two films starring Gong Li: "Raiise The Red Lantern" (wooooaaaar, what a stonker!) and "To Live" (laugh, cry, rant, laugh, sob hysterically, laugh again... no words to describe it, it's genius and magical....they both are....same director, too, I think). PS: NOT SURPRISED...IN THE LEAST... that you have Japanese genes. Have you got a long neck, narrow shoulders and petite feet? And do you glide rather than stride? (or have I just re-watched GhostBusters one too many times, LOL (Melissa McCarthy is too funny!)

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Haha, glad you liked my joke. Here's another: Man and wife in bed, reading. Husband says, 'Honey?...I'll bet you can't tell me something, which makes me happy...AND sad...at the same time'. Wife replies, '.........Well,...you DO...HAVE...the biggest penis...out of all of your friends...?'

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(Are my jokes getting better, Richard? :D) Richard's very dedicated. He reads everything. Ooh - which reminds me: True story: Back in UK (wish I'd brought it with me, mmmeh!...got it from Amazon, I think, not sure...) I had a sign affixed to my garage door which had a drive-way/parking space in front of it, which looked like a normal No Parking sign but instead, read: Private Sign Do Not Read (I used to see pedestrian passers-by and rush-hour car-commuters queued at the junction squinting and then laughing at that - bingo!) ...which reminds me of another fave joke: __________________________________________________ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from limited data. __________________________________________________ (Thirty-Love - your serve :)) (And yeah - no - your posts to Maple were perfectly perfect!)

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"OMG, That is my absolute favorite part of that movie!!!" ONE of my fave parts...which is difficult because I love every second! STILL! In fact, I'd like to be watching that when I pop my clogs. With my cup of coffee and rollie-ciggie on the go, of course, LOL. And a tub of Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche - phwoooar...I don't really like ice-cream, except for HD. Why I'm assuming I'd be so tickety-boo on my deathbed as to be slurping, puffing and stuffing my face with Haagen, I *do not* know! It's either far-extrapolated logic and instinct or wishful thinking. Or a third option - I'm hungry? I can't be, though - I had a whole roast chicken dinner tonight, with roasties, roast parsnips, sprouts (with melted butter), gravy...then a tub of HD D de Leche - a whole one all to myself! - then (it's Friday - my naughty food night, plus there's still my desperately trying to put on weight) - then a BOX of After Eights - then half a tin of Fruit Salad......what else, I know there was something....oh, yes - and a Mint Aero Bar, followed by a hunk of Stilton, followed by a can of Lager with a splash of Grenadine (yum, try it)...loads of coffees with cream (got a Dulce Gusto pod machine, it is BEAUTIFUL coffee - I'm addicted!) and something else.... Oh, yes - a Mr Kipling miniature Apple Pie with cream. I NEVER usually eat that amount of food in one go! I normally have terrible trouble stuffing my face - I'm a picker...forager, normally. I bloody enjoyed it through....felt almost Roman! Speaking of which (haha!) - are you a bath or shower person? Which (sorry, I'm stream-of-consciousness-ing! haha) reminds me: here in Spain, it doesn't ever (rarely) 'rain'. It PELTS! So much so that if I park my car in the middle of the driveway, afterwards it looks as clean as if I'd taken it to the car-wash! Free car-washes, courtesy of Nature, yeah, babyyyy (something good about Spain, finally, LOL) (no, really, this place is hard as nails and harsh as shark skin...third-world with first-world Hundreds & Thousands (sprinkles)). But, you can't grumble at a free car-wash, now, can ya. What's the wea-thurrrrr laike ian Geor-gia at thee mo-ment? An' arr yeou ian At-lanna? (That's my Georgia accent. You didn't say if you wanted to hear it so I took your silence as a Yes.) (:D ducks) Can you do a Surrey, UK, accent (hwwat-hwhat?!...ey sayyy...air, yairs!)?

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Ah! Just noticed it's 5am here. That explains a lot, haha... including why I'm hungry again. So it's 11-o-clock in Georgia - correct?

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Oh, I remember where we got to... It's your turn to reply - to these: Dec 2 2023 at 02:40 up to and including Dec 2 2023 at 03:23 But ignore about the prison search as I mis-read it as they searched you, the visitor, after every visit....I thought, jeez, I'm surprised even any relatives would want to go near the place!....But if that's what Travis has to go through to see you, each time, then - WOAH. Giant Kudos. There's being desperate to see your Heartner and then there's THAT! That's the male equivalent of rape, that is. Think about it - that's their only intimate orifice so it may as WELL be a vagina. I really hope you start that diary and then end up turning it into a book. ....I bet they're not even gentle. What happened to Rehabilitation?! I

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PS: You forgot the 'rule'... Your mssg Dec 8 2023 at 03:55. I live here. It's not a case of IF I'll return, just When. Say "Not if - When" 15 times please (deadly serious, thank-you). I don't do ghosting. Not deliberately, anyway...don't think I ever have even by-mistake...have I? Don't think so. Ghosting's for people who haven't the balls to be honest. I'd just tell the truth, just explain nicely that I didn't think continuing was a good idea because X or Y. You have to throw away the "normal" Rule Book, Thea. We say what we mean and mean what we say. This is the OPPOSITE of LaLa Land. I.e. integrity and insanity. I still could do with a secretary, though, LOL...I will never get comfy with being flakey, it goes right against my grain.....hurry up Xmas hols, eh. Are you around over Xmas or Boxing Day or are you doing something? Did you say you'd be visiting Travis? (Sorry, too tired to look up...that's my cue to hit the hay.) (Tsk...ye of little faith ;p) (only joshing...I get it)

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HAHAHAHAHA! - Freudian on my part or just knackered?.... "I.e. integrity and insanity" Obviously I meant sanity, ROFL! Well, if we ARE insane then at least it's in a very good, very productive way that tends to bring about happy or happier endings. Haha. Night!

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No - wait - for Travis (or additionally): "The Catcher in The Rye" J Wotsit Hollinger (I'm crap with names). No - Salinger! J Salinger something. Oh fgs...I'll just google... J.D Salinger - that's it, I remember now. A-ma-zinggg. Written 1950s but never dates. OOH - and how could I forget...and how pertinent: "The Loneliness of The Long-Distance Runner" (set in a prison). And in the same vein: Kes (about a lonely abused boy who trains a Kestrel). Oh and another (cor, they're all coming out at-once!) - "I'm Not Scared". And for antidisestablishmentarians(getsbedocious, LOL) everywhere: Animal Farm (George Orwell)! I think that's it for the mo?

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It was so good to hear from you, and I am glad I didn't screw up the response!! Thank you for the review and compliments. (See I'm learning) It's sad to hear that she hasn't responded, she seemed genuinely upset. I am working a lot right now bc it's our super busy season. Things will drop off pretty severely by the first week of January. Gotta put the money away while it's available! I am sitting here with my list of questions to answer, I think I got most of them. Let's start with the Georgia accent, You must always include ya'll! It can refer to a group, a family, a business or just one person!! For example "Ya'll are very interesting!" Just meaning you. Or "Ya'll have a horrible education system!" Meaning the whole state of Georgia. It is terrible and wonderful at the same time. I have grown to us it frequently in conversation but rarely in writing. That said you accent is awful, as I'm sure my English accent would be. I don't even have an American accent that most people relate to. When I go back to Chicago, where I was raised, they think I sound like a hick and down here they think I sound like a Yankee. BTW down here is right outside of Atlanta, about 20 minutes drive. I actually work in downtown Atlanta. The weather is getting colder here, upper 30's at night, but still in the mid 60's during the day. It rarely drops below freezing for more than a day or 2 in a row. An amazing upgrade from Chicago where it drops below freezing in October and stays that way till April. We do Fahrenheit here, hope you can translate.

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IDK about Japanese genes, my uncle on my dad's side did one of those DNA swab kits and it came back 93% Scotch/Irish. I think there is some German on my mother's side but I think it's minimal. I am petite, just under 5'2" and I have lost about 25 pounds since Travis left, makes me right around 115 now. I would like to put some weight back on but food doesn't always stay down. Stress has always affected me that way. Makes it hard to be interested in eating with that hanging in the background. My feet are considered small, I wear a size 6 1/2. I don't know what that translates to in European sizes. I love Stilton cheese!! I love pretty much all cheese. I like really good ice cream. Hagen Daus is ok but when I splurge I buy Graters, it's a small family owned creamery in Cincinnati Ohio. I got hooked on it when I was in college. I have been know to eat half a pint on the rare occasions I take a bubble bath. I know that doesn't answer all the questions but I still have my list. I have a long day tomorrow. I'm glad you're well and the food fest sounded yummy!

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Yeah, it's a bit difficult to do phonetically, that one. Here - start a new vernacular...start to say You instead of You All when it's one person, see if people pick it up? Chicago sounds positively English already, weather-wise! (And yes, I actually prefer Farenheit...matches the temperature more, somehow.) So what are the people in "At-lanna" like, then? Roger that you'll need to do overtime. Tres sensible, Madamoiselle. Yes, you ARE learning...very quick at it, you are. And you're definitely used to pushing yourself..."Feeling the fear and doing it anyway". Nnnice one - fantastic skill to have, very Survivalist Deluxe, that one! Did you feel better for having done it, the minute you'd finished posting or when I gave it the thumbs-up? :) Maple might still respond...depends on whether she turned on Thread Alerts or remembers to log-on to peek? We just have to wait...hence the thread stays open for quite a long time. "IDK about Japanese genes, my uncle on my dad's side did one of those DNA swab kits and it came back 93% Scotch/Irish. I think there is some German on my mother's side but I think it's minimal. " Oh! Where did I get Japanese from, then? And yet you are petite: "I am petite, just under 5'2" ...strange... Didn't your mother feel the need to do a family-tree in response? "and I have lost about 25 pounds since Travis left, makes me right around 115 now. I would like to put some weight back on but food doesn't always stay down. Stress has always affected me that way. Makes it hard to be interested in eating with that hanging in the background. " Yeah, don't worry about that, that's normal. Try drinking soups and milkshakes (and Guinness with Tia Maria - "Black Velvet" - yum) and keeping easy things to pick at in your fridge. Stick to the highest calorie foods and drinks you can....switch to full-cream milk in your coffee....use it as perfect opportunity to eat more cheeeeeeese, yayyyy. And just "pounce" when you get a good day, make up for the rest of the days. But liquid food and "bite-size/party nibbles" should stay down ok. You can get super-high-Calorie Milkshake powders from the chemist. They're surprisingly delicious! Even more so with a blob of real ice-cream added. Soups too, I think? Also there are companies who do super-high-cal Clotted Cream Fudge over the web (internationally) for cancer patients who can't eat enough. I've tried that too. O.M.G. - best fudge I've ever tasted IN MY LIFE. The lovely crumbly, melt-in-mouth type, not the squidgy crap. Heaven. Not that expensive, either. I'm like you - "I love a bit of cheese, Grommit!". Except for the tasteless stuff, like mozarella and what's that other one - buffalo?...or are they the same thing? Edam's okay as Babybel but I definitely couldn't taste a whole one. Stilton - yep! Slices of Conference (well, any, actually) pears with a big hunk of Stilton in the middle - fantastic combo if you haven't tried it! Or stilton just eaten on its own! And steak in Roquefort sauce....oooooooooh..... I love cheddar, the more mature, the better, particularly with slices of apple or pineapple, or munched with a carrot. Also, Red Leicester (or your equivalent) is surprisingly great in a wholemeal sandwich with strips of fresh coconut (kid you not!). Have you ever tried roasted or deep-fried, salted, coconut strips (with the skin on)? Might also be an opportunity - since you won't be spending as much on food as normal - to start experimenting...trying things you've never tried before because you were too busy making a beeline for your usual favourites, every foodshop? You might be surprised. It might be that your usual nutrients aren't (scuse pun) cutting the mustard because you're stressed and need more stress-busting vits and minerals? Do you like smoked salmon, crab, craefish, jarred cockles in vinegar...? E.g. when you're stressed/distressed, real Orange Juice counteracts over-tiredness far better than strong Coffee or Red Bull. Works pretty much instantly. And that's the thing.... if your chemistry changes, your needs change. Failing all of that, just ensure you get milk, garden peas and high-cocoa-solids chocolate..... pick-pick-pick-pick-pick every time you pass the fridge. See it literally as filling your engine-tank with petrol. PS: Red Wine - one glass per night equals stress-buster, two or more causes more stress. Jars you can dip into with a spoon, too, like peanut-butter (gotta be crunchy and pref wholemeal for me). Graters is better than Haagen-Dazs??? Got a link? This I gotta see! Eats lots of that, then. Basically, you've got to keep your fibre up so's not to constipate, but meanwhile eat more fat and sugar together, or carbs and sugar. Goes straight on as fat because that combo isn't found in the wild so we don't have it in our still-wild bodily system (and hence logically why to lose weight, one ideally should have supper for lunch and pudding for supper to keep fat and sugar completely apart.) It's hard to cook for yourself when you're used to the motivation of cooking for a partner, though, isn't it. That's when you have to turn it into a game or experiment. I mean - realistically, if all you eat is boxes of chocolates and counter it with green or black olives, even that's better than now't. And the thing is, the hungrier and more desperate for nutrients you are, the more every tiny little atom of nutrient gets extracted and used. I think basically - bar feeling nauseous - that if your body and brain needs it, it'll taste great and you'll keep it down, but the challenge is, which foods to switch to. Google anti-anxiety foods...bloody effective, they are, if you include them daily. How are your hair and nails looking? They're last in the nutrients hand-out queue or sometimes get missed out altogether so keep a check on them to know if you're getting low and if necessary, take pharamacy vits and minerals and stress-busters (like Ginseng...or even better - Omega 3 DHA/EPA (no trace metals), 100mg...miracle award-winners, they are). Hmmm...just noticing......I think my post-emigration stress has sodded-off, finally....noticed I'm not only suddenly gorging myself compared to usual, but talking about food a lot, too. GOOD. No way can I have my knees looking knobbly and knocking together like they are, lately, no way! I've been podgy. And now skinny. I prefered podgy, any day! Oh, well, then, stick with me - I'll make you hungry. Wanna swap a fave recipe? I'll try yours if you try mine? We could do that in January, set an evening for it. You game? Obviously it depends on available of ingredients so we'd have to bear that in mind, but...could be interesting? Clothes sizes in the US are one bigger than UK so - 5-and-a-half shoe, then. HAHAHAHAHA!.............Polly Pocket.... "I shall make you my pet and call you Squishy" :D Oh, definitely take more bubble-baths! They really work like miracles when you're stressed, especially if you make the room womb-like with Red votives and your fave talk radio station going. I must admit, I've never eaten ice-cream in the bath..... Doesn't it melt too quickly?? " I know that doesn't answer all the questions but I still have my list. " No worries - when you're ready!

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Hey-hey, just a quickie, haven't forgotten you're working all the hours. When you next get a spare mo, have a read of the latest on Jae's thread - see if you relate. When I saw your contributions for Maple, I thought - ah-hah! So I reckon you will.

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I really like the recipe swap idea. I'm totally worn out from work but will get back with you and look up the other post you mentioned. Give me some ideas about food you might be interested in and I'll work on picking out a recipe. Neither my mother or father would do the DNA thing. I wouldn't either. Don't want our DNA in a data base with a company that has already proven they can't keep it safe and are willing to share it with the police and government. We all think my uncle was stupid to do it but the results are interesting. Please don't think that makes me some kind of crazy conspiracy person. There is a lot of distrust of the way things are handled and shared here, the US. I love your private do not read this sign!! Such great humor 🤣. I would love to have seen peoples reactions when they realized what they were reading!! I am about 100 pages into the book. I haven't had much reading time bc of work but should start making progress after the holidays.

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I agree that most movies fail the book. There are a few exceptions. Oddly several of them are Stephen King novels. I think Carrie, Cugo, and The Shining were very well adapted. Also The Hunt for Red October, not King. The list of failures is too long to even start!! One of my all time worst is Interview With a Vampire. And oddly enough another role Tom Cruise was cast in, Reacher. I have read everything by both authors and not only were the movies terrible, Cruise was nothing like either leading character. I have been thinking about a joke to share. It may be silly but it's always made me laugh. Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one got a salted 🧂! Pretty bad dad joke.

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I looked at the thread you referenced. I really feel for her. I have some pretty strong opinions about what she has been put through, both by the "friend " and the family. I'm not sure I could talk to her without putting them down and I don't think that is what she needs. I am going to think about it and try to maybe figure out a way to approach it from another view. Thank you for being you. I don't know if the people in your off line life benefit from your kindness and wisdom as much as those of us online but I would like to think they do.

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Hey-hey - playing catch-up as usual (feel like the White Rabbit LOL). Did you have an ok or even good day yesterday? _______________________________________________ "I really like the recipe swap idea. I'm totally worn out from work but will get back with you and look up the other post you mentioned. Give me some ideas about food you might be interested in and I'll work on picking out a recipe. Neither my mother or father would do the DNA thing. I wouldn't either. Don't want our DNA in a data base with a company that has already proven they can't keep it safe and are willing to share it with the police and government. We all think my uncle was stupid to do it but the results are interesting. Please don't think that makes me some kind of crazy conspiracy person. There is a lot of distrust of the way things are handled and shared here, the US. I love your private do not read this sign!! Such great humor 🤣. I would love to have seen peoples reactions when they realized what they were reading!! I am about 100 pages into the book. I haven't had much reading time bc of work but should start making progress after the holidays." _______________________________________________ No rush on the recipe swap, I know you're still very busy yourself, but - yes. In fact, given our lack of time, probably best if the first swap is our respective "Cheats" dishes. But, things with rich sauces, preferably cheesy-creamy, tend to be my fave, or thick stews...basically your 'one pot (or ovendish)' recipes (less washing-up for a start...I don't have a dishwasher here, no room in the kitchen for one. Plus these time-saving gadgets all just help you become lazy and fat. Speaking of which/PS: I've put some weight back on - YESSS! What about you? No, I get it. What with how the world's been degenerating lately, plus my father's saying - 'Just because you're paranoid, doesn't automatically mean they *aren't* out to get you' (wisdom indeed - "Sometimes" you're paranoid, sometimes you're not, sometimes you're just unaware, and sometimes you're correct to be because you've been taught you should be, that it's safer than not, especially when you're wounded because someone's just taught you that for a fact.) - I understand completely what you're saying. Shame, though, because geneology does give you a far deeper understanding of why you're like you are, who you got your talents and convictions from, etc. Even your dress sense. Yeah, I wish I'd brought that sign with me. But, no, it was like this - top line, Bright Red, 2nd line Soft White, on a shiny, black metal plaque: Private Sign Do Not Read And in those colours it was legible at night, as well, as your headlights from the road hit it. (in case you want to homemake one - paint on wood... I know I'm tempted) Luckily, not TOO hysterical, therefore....I didn't want to cause an accident, LOL. This is my favourite sign or t-shirt front: ____________________________________________________ "There are 2 types of people in this world: 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data; ____________________________________________________ Is that genius or is that genius! And wittiest for being so true! Another of my faves, despite I'm practically Tee-Total (albeit, less so here in Spain - bloody everyone drinks...because it's so cheap, I suppose): "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full-frontal lobotomy" (...Which aligns with my attitude of: IF it's just a crutch and WORKS as a crutch and you stay in control of IT - go for it; all humans need a crutch sometimes.) Have you got any fave, clever/witty sayings? A hundred pages? I don't remember what was being described by page-numbers, sorry, haha! Mainly because I'm not a robot. You'll have to go into a bit more detail for me re. where you've got to? (Funny!) Why - do you? (Funnier if you do!)

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"I agree that most movies fail the book. There are a few exceptions. Oddly several of them are Stephen King novels. I think Carrie, Cugo, and The Shining were very well adapted. Also The Hunt for Red October, not King. The list of failures is too long to even start!! One of my all time worst is Interview With a Vampire. And oddly enough another role Tom Cruise was cast in, Reacher. I have read everything by both authors and not only were the movies terrible, Cruise was nothing like either leading character. I have been thinking about a joke to share. It may be silly but it's always made me laugh. Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one got a salted 🧂! Pretty bad dad joke." ____________________________ Haha - I like dad jokes. I like ALL jokes. The more, the merrier (haha). Stephen Wright: My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them. Rita Rudner: My boyfriend and I split up because he wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. Yes, I'd noticed that about King's novels (read some of his as a late teen). Maybe he was more pushy and not as desperate as the others for the money? Wasn't Schindler's List amaaaazing! It's always been obvious to me - which is probably why the refusal to let anyone meddle - that he was on a self-sorting/-healing journey, dealing with his demons by literally making them demons, and then getting to the point where he started examining what part in his upbringing was down to what his Jewish ancestors had been through, etc. Agree? If you like King but want less paranormality: Ever tried - Nicki French (husband & wife writing team) - "Land Of The Living"; Karin Slaughter - "Undone"; Tess Gerritson - "The Surgeon" (pt 1 of a whole series)... and then there's Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Kathy Reichs.... loads in his same vein (or better). PS: when or if you get a spare mo, could you explain to me how you put in that little salt pot emoji (if that's what it's called)? Me, I'm a techie duh-brain - bar when it comes to biological computers (you lot, haha).

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"looked at the thread you referenced. I really feel for her. I have some pretty strong opinions about what she has been put through, both by the "friend " and the family. I'm not sure I could talk to her without putting them down and I don't think that is what she needs. I am going to think about it and try to maybe figure out a way to approach it from another view. Thank you for being you. I don't know if the people in your off line life benefit from your kindness and wisdom as much as those of us online but I would like to think they do." Noooo. The part about Asperger's traits. In terms of posting your opinion on her family and friend - oh, yes, it is. She is, too. And quite rightly. But yes, any view. Ahhh, thank-you. :) But really - thank Richard. He started it. :) And yes, they do. But it's tit for tat reciprocal because they have the everyday-living practical, and Spanish (mental) beaurocracy knowledge so, it's good in El Hood. Off-line Life. Ah is THAT what it's called. I'll tell Jae. I suggested non-electronic life, NEL. But your way, OLL I could say, Golly my olly is getting right on my 'beeps' (- guess, LOL) (LOLLY).

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How can you tell a Narc, stranded on a desert island? They're the one throwing coconut crusts to the rescue helicopter. Why do Narcs wear platform shoes? To stop their knuckles scraping along the ground as they walk. Why is Graceland so popular with Narc tourists? Because Elvis said - If you're looking for trouble, you've come to the right place. All my own creations. Not sure if they're that funny, but they makee me laugh. I'm in the mood to try and do another..... Here we go: What should you say if you're unlucky enough to get a Narc in your confession-box? Bless me, father, for I have sinned. (*ducks Catholic rotten tomatoes*... *makes sign of cross*...the X-Factor buzzer one)

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Oh, yes - I forgot to mention! I recently bastardised a meme of a quote by Stephen King: It went - "Only God gets things right first time. - Stephen King" So I've added in tiny Red letters underneath: "...so says the famous fiction-writer. - Eve" :D :p

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Seriously, too many men need to understand by now: As per a meme I saw fairly recently: A real man doesn't protect his woman because she's weak, but because she's important. And (My own truism): It's not about - which is superior - an Apple or a Banana? It's about FRUIT SALAD! (I should turn this into a meme and float it out there, shouldn't I. If I knew how, I would! I'm not a fan of technology, putting it lightly. Are you?)

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Hey there. Sorry it took so long to respond. I had Christmas Eve and Christmas day off but spent those traveling and with Travis. Other than that I have been working non-stop. Soooo busy!! Great money though and I know January will be slow so I'm just saving it up while it's coming in!! I am finally off tomorrow and can get caught up on stuff. The visit went great!! Better than I even hoped it could. I actually feel more hopeful than I have since he had to go away. That is an amazing feeling but it also scares me because what if I'm reading more into it than I should? I don't know if I can survive being crushed again.

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I don't have my usual list of questions to answer so I will probably miss a few. You'll have to remind me! Karin Slaughter is a favorite author of mine! Everything she writes is set in Georgia!! I turned my biological mother on to her and she and my youngest brothers wife trade her books!! We buy them as soon as they come out !! Love Stephen Wright!! I live at the end of a dead end one way street, I have no idea how I got there! I have a question about the NARC jokes. Where I am a NARC is someone who rats you out, most commonly to the police but it could also be to a parent or boss. Does it mean the same thing to you? About the salt "pot" , we call it a salt shaker, it's just something that my phone does. 📱 see phone, I can type in tree 🌳 or cake 🎂 🥮, if I say Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄. My cat 🐈 😻 🐈‍⬛️ is doing great. I have not put on any weight. In fact I have lost a few pounds 💷. I am down to 115. I think once work slows 🐌 down I will get back to eating more regularly. I need to figure out if what happened this visit really means that I have a future with Travis to look forward to or if I'm just grasping at straws. I will tell you more about it tomorrow but I'm worn out and heading to bed 🛌 😴. Worked 14 hours today without a break!! I'm too old for this!! 😆 🤣!

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I have tried to reconcile what happened for my Christmas visit and the things I have found out since, but I can't. I don't think he has any plans to come home to me. I think Christmas was his goodbye. I guess I should start trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I am in the darkest place I have been since he left. Even getting out of bed has become a challenge. I feel so stupid.

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Haven't forgotten you, just over-busy in RL again - bear with!

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"Hey there. Sorry it took so long to respond." Really - don't worry. After Xmas and NY, next comes playing catch-up. "I had Christmas Eve and Christmas day off but spent those traveling and with Travis. Other than that I have been working non-stop. Soooo busy!! Great money though and I know January will be slow so I'm just saving it up while it's coming in!!" Good plan, Stan. And I'm so glad you got to see him. "I am finally off tomorrow and can get caught up on stuff." Yeah - there we go - precisely. (I haven't read ahead so - oooh, telepathy?) "The visit went great!! Better than I even hoped it could. I actually feel more hopeful than I have since he had to go away. That is an amazing feeling but it also scares me because what if I'm reading more into it than I should? I don't know if I can survive being crushed again." Fair fear. And a standard one in your situation. Let me paste in your next... __________________________________________________________________________ "I don't have my usual list of questions to answer so I will probably miss a few. You'll have to remind me!" Or you can re-read? LOL I doubt they were important or I'd remember, probably was just chat. But it does you good to re-read your own thread, anyway, or just my replies each time, given that I paste-in what I'm responding to? That way, you can chart your own progress, mood-wise. Oh, wait - I remember one: eating ice-cream (told someone it was chocolate yesterday, but - same principle). Doesn't it melt? Or are you into ice-cold baths (Swedish roots or something, LOL)? Oh and another was to check out the bits about Aspie traits on Jae's thread? Have you done that? (Scratch that if you've answered below.) "Karin Slaughter is a favorite author of mine! Everything she writes is set in Georgia!!" Yeah, I was into that lot in my 20s, usually for holidays or on the train, commuting to London for work. I only like books that teach me something. "I turned my biological mother on to her and she and my youngest brothers wife trade her books!! We buy them as soon as they come out !! Love Stephen Wright!!" You love Steve Wright too - ah-hah! "I live at the end of a dead end one way street, I have no idea how I got there!" Haha! And the one that goes something like: Yesterday I came home to find I'd been burgled. They'd stolen everything and replaced it with an exact replica. "I have a question about the NARC jokes. Where I am a NARC is someone who rats you out, most commonly to the police but it could also be to a parent or boss. Does it mean the same thing to you?" No, it's not the same. But then, you guys call condoms Rubbers or Johnnies. And yet alot of Americans are named Johnny, poor sods ("Alright, Condom, how's it going?"). " About the salt "pot" , we call it a salt shaker, it's just something that my phone does. 📱 see phone, I can type in tree 🌳 or cake 🎂 🥮, if I say Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄. My cat 🐈 😻 🐈‍⬛️ is doing great." Do you have an iPhone or Samsung, or something else? I use my laptop for its proper keyboard and wide screen (eyesight's not so good these days). "I have not put on any weight. In fact I have lost a few pounds 💷. I am down to 115. I think once work slows 🐌 down I will get back to eating more regularly." Yeah, having worked your alls off probably wasn't that conducive to losing any. More ice-cream baths required - and more sitting-around this month; that'll do it. Having late suppers helps. "I need to figure out if what happened this visit really means that I have a future with Travis to look forward to or if I'm just grasping at straws. I will tell you more about it tomorrow but I'm worn out and heading to bed 🛌 😴. Worked 14 hours today without a break!! I'm too old for this!! 😆 🤣!"" I'm too old for everything these days, LOL. Okay, I'll paste-in the next and give you my feedback (you cliff-hanger-er, you, LOL)... ___________________________________________________________ "I have tried to reconcile what happened for my Christmas visit and the things I have found out since, but I can't. I don't think he has any plans to come home to me. I think Christmas was his goodbye. I guess I should start trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I am in the darkest place I have been since he left. Even getting out of bed has become a challenge. I feel so stupid." Oh! Well, aren't you going to tell me what happened and what you've found-out to make you think this?? PS: Getting out of bed is being made harder because you've worked so hard lately, so don't forget to take that into account. Anyway - spill, please, Modom.

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I found out that he told several people, well before he went away, that he had no intention of coming back to me. His family, a few friends and a couple people we worked with. None of them told me until I found out from one of our friends when I was telling him how well the Christmas visit went. He finally felt guilty enough about what he had been hiding from me all these months to admit what he knew. Once he told me I started to realize why people have been reacting the way they have in relation to my sadness and loneliness over Travis being gone. I asked and they had been told the same thing by him before he left. I feel betrayed, stupid, let down but most of all used. I never thought he could be like that. I honestly believed he loved me.

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:( Oh, Thea.... I would add - what a nightmare, but I need to examine its authenticity first. Hang tight. I'll be with you tomorrow eve or Sun latest as well. So, meanwhile, go into more detail - step by step by step. For example: he told them he didn't intend, etc. But what reason and explanation did he give them? And what did they say they said back (all of that). Or post just to tell me if you're really not up to it just at the mo. and I'll wait. (((((((((((((((((((((ROCKING HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))

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I don't really understand the reason he said these things to people. He told them that he wanted a different life when he got out, that he didn't want to come back to the life he had been living. He evidently said he had lost the "spark " he once had for me. I have spoken to several people since our friend first told me and they all have the same story. People who don't even know each other. He has been my whole life for 8 years. I have worked so hard to support him and hold on to a home for him to come home to when he finally gets through the horrible experience he is enduring. I am just broken right now.

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Right, I'll keep it simple - because I might well have the antidote to how you're feeing, meaning, why spend any longer being needlessly broken. "People who don't even know each other." People who don't even know each other. But all of whom - know him. I have a quite strong suspicion that I know what's happened. Questions: 1. So this social 'broadcast' happened before he went inside? (Did he go to prison On Remand first, then Court, then back to prison (or new prison)?) 2. If so, how many days/weeks prior? 3. Meanwhile: did anything negative, untoward, anomalous or destablizing for you happen directly between Travis and yourself over Crimbo as a whole or during your visit - or was everything just lovely?

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Aww, sod-it. For expediency's sake - I'll post my suspected antidote now - and if it doesn't work, you tell me why. The guy - you KNOW - has already tested you by giving you an unexpected, highly upsetting, slightly aggressive, actually, *shove*. To see if you'd stay shoved. You didn't. You two continued with the visits, even arranging Xmas. Picture the scene: He knows he's headed for jail. He finds out that a lot of partners abandon their banged-up lovers. Maybe not immmediately but - the odds of relationships lasting under such pressure and inconvenience, are low. So what does Mr Manly Macho (yeah, I've got his number) do? Starts trying to PRE-EMPT any such humiliation (when he's already humiliated himself enough!). By saying the spark isn't there - if - or rather, WHEN it becomes known you two broke up, his whole social network will naturally assume that HE did the dumping. He has not been chucked as well as everything else. He is NOT a *total* loser (- this is all his attitude-based perception). He's able to do that because he's "in the jungle" where you have to be tough to survive. CRYING or looking heartbroken and miserable "inside", is NOT a good way to be seen by the other inmates (like, the sadists and exploiters of vulneraility). It's far far easier (despite still painful) for a man in that situation to - if in his state (paranoid) he fears you even COULD dump him - to start off your sentance with your happiness NOT dependent on someone whom might quit the Running Of The Gauntlet. He needs utmost sense of security OR to NOT need it at all (because there isn't any relationship). Does that make sense? Unfortunately, these people never got to see the next instalments of this here drama of his, did they. So that's all they know and knew. Have you raised it with Travis yet? I'd say - hold off for a bit. Let's solve this little jigsaw together and see if I could be right. How's that? Plan, Stan? (Stanetta?)

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I hear what you are saying. I want to believe it's true. The visit on Christmas was so great. It was better than anything has been since he went away. I was flying on cloud 9, so much hope and a renewed sense that we,I, could come out the other side of this together. That was all just crushed. I thought I was done finding out things he had hidden from me, done to me. What kind of person broadcasts that kind of hurtful information to the people he knows I will have to face everyday? It's humiliating. It has made it even harder to carry out my life, such as it is. No I haven't brought it up with Travis. I don't even know how to start. What if he says it's true? What if he's just been using me and hoping it didn't catch up with him too soon? I am in such a dark place. It's even in my dreams. Over and over I dream of searching for him but never finding him. I am surviving day by day but it is just that, surviving.

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In life, always ignore the Blah-Blahs and focus on the ACTIONS - what the person's FEET are doing. Especially if it flies RIGHT in the face of what they said (and not even recently). However, saying that, it's a beeping immature and downright thick way of dealing with the situation. Didn't the consequence of his bluff somehow getting back to you, even OCCUR to him? Typical over-macho, acting-out crap ("USE YOUR BIG BOY WORDS, YA TWAZZOCK!"). Jezuz Louizuz. But anyway. It's Spill time, please, Modom: " I thought I was done finding out things he had hidden from me, done to me." List all the ways. (I need ALL the jigsaw puzzle pieces, Silver Plate/Mercury Bucket (- French).) Meanwhile, back at the eye-stinging Ranch "Sauce": No it isn't humiliating. Not to you. To him - yes. They have ears. They know by now that you're regularly and as frequently as allowed to, visiting him, yes?... So unless these people can't see the noses on their own faces, it's this: 'Evidently, Travis didn't mean what he said back in (month) or was lying to us' 'It's obvious he was lying to us because normally you'd only say something as drastic and potentially incendiary as that if you genuinely DIDN'T care enough any more. AND YET.' (This person's forgetting DefCon1, though. Desperate Is as Desperate Does/Tries To Do. Still a childishly self-centred tack, though.) '...Uh-huh - AND YET.' 'Oh, well, then - case closed. But what a stupid move.... That boy does love taking risks, eh.' All YOU do - IF you want (because the actions/events speak the truth and reality already) - is mention in conversation with anyone from each separate social group, with a lovey-dovey smile on your face, what a bloody lovely Crimbo you guys had, and referring to the highlights, plus mentioning when your NEXT "Date" is already arranged for. That just ensures the TOTAL custard-pie flies in Travis' face...Well, once he's out. Probably not. No-one will bother to mention it by then, since events have proven it a moot concept to begin with. But that's what I'd do if I found it humiliating. Can you EXPLAIN to me, though, in what ways it would be humiliating to you? I actually don't get how that works? So - conclusion: " What kind of person broadcasts that kind of hurtful information to the people he knows I will have to face everyday? " A twat. Or a twat facing going into a very tight cage...with a badly, freshly-shrunken ego. And with a reputation of being quite a Tough Guy but always game for a boyish prank/laugh (am I right or am I right). Spilly spill-spill, ta v much. Oh, and by the way: "What if he says it's true? What if he's just been using me and hoping it didn't catch up with him too soon?" Using you HOW? It's bad enough being banged-up with psychos, spaths, narcs, b*tches, b*m-bandits, drama-queens, and dribbling village idiots, plus stone- or Nazi-faced guards (a lot of them), let ALONE having to tolerate the intimate presence of someone you've not only gone off of but now feel awkward as Hell around, and ANNOYED by their presence, even though you know it's not their fault. Do you REALLY think he's that much of a masochist? I mean, have you never SAT with someone you've been intending - then dying - to dump but have yet to get the proper opportunity? I have. UGH. You feel like a complete rotter as well as bad and sorry for them but irritated and frustrated to oblivion! You certainly don't want to touch or hug them. And you find them inspid and boring. You can't WAIT to get away! You certainly don't keep putting yourself THROUGH that level of endurance, over and over! You'd probably sooner tolerate the b*m-bandit! It's too cringe-making, ugh. But still spill. He may just be that bit too immature for you, still, and not nearly as emotionally intelligent, quite possibly merely because he's regressed (starting, if you're honest, with being in the foetal position...and you can't get more immature and irrational than THAT). This is why in my first message, re the large age difference, I asked - WHY? Methinks you're gf and (nicer) mum in-one. But that equally, he's bf and son, in-one. Bit of Co-Dependence there, albeit, not unhealthy if both can play their respective roles NICELY and by-the-book. Well, maybe you can set a date in your head for ending the secret mothering bit (I mean, he will grow up in there - that's what trauma is - growing pains...which is why actual NPDs don't experience shock nor thereby enough or any pain), but meanwhile, put it to better use - be the second crab in that "double pincer" job - Fate doing one half, you doing the other - by emotionally educating him on what ingredients go into (healthy) Love Pie, how not to act like a posturing CHILD, to count to 10 and think things through to ALL hilts, how Real Men are tough AND soft (see me about indisputable, intellectual evidence on that score), and so on. Plus the bit about fruit-salad and why a man is programmed to protect his woman. ...Not just fill but foie-gras his mothering deficit, with wholesome, REAL stuff that is FAR easier and quicker than the childish, self-risking shite he obviously got taught/witnessed. You could be overt about it ("Look here, you, you've been fed ollocks!") or you can integrate it into normal conversation or pretend you're getting it all from a book you're reading. S'up to you. We can be lazy, stupidly or intelligently. Example: I don't do housework days or sessions. I am housework...on legs. First, I do a thorough spring-clean for days to get the place Showroom clean (free gymwork). Thereafter, I daily do a bit here, bit there, AS I GO about my natural movements around the house and outdoors. I stay on TOP of it all, which quickly becomes a constantly rewarding habit. I never have to panic if guests want to come at short notice. And I always feel good when I look around at my environment. And that way, after that initial, once-only blitz, I never have to do a long housework session EVER AGAIN (World Domination, here I come!, haha). So I'm working LESS by Maintaining and nipping things in the bud, or, preventing the molehill from becoming a mountain. Me no like mountainous piles. My way means I can be lazy without The Guilts and daily, increasing, mental pressure of inevitable ("aargh, a mountain! - ignore-ignore!) procrastination. Me prefer gentle hillocks to mountains. We're all lazy, aka, efficient. Half the time. It's a psychological offshoot of an evolutionary clash via a stark path-change (ask if you're interested). But we're not all stupid or self-sabotaging with it. (Ya see? Don't blame Laziness, blame how someone chooses to USE it.) Being able to think outside of the box, is everything. All we have to protect ourselves with in this life, is our intelligence. 'Me um real man. Might is Right.' "Might" is what Stallions have. And yet they get ridden. Right Is Might, Travis, Right Is Might. Ignore what Mummy or Daddy back-to-front said. Right Is Might. (Bloody kids, lol) Anyway, has this all made everything click into place and leave you feelilng relived?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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It has taken me a long time to figure out how to respond. I don't know that I will answer all of your questions, I didn't make a list although I have read your last message several times. As to what I have found out since Travis went away. Well he ran up several credit cards that I didn't know he had. I have no real idea what he spent the money on. There's the letter he sent telling me he had lost the spark in our relationship but still wanted me to be part of his and the twins life. His family lying to me about his transfer, until I was the only person who had gone through the approval process and was able to contact him. Him deciding to tell me he wants kids, I'm not sure how he thinks that is going to happen for him. Finding out he told people we were over without telling me is just the latest blow. As far as telling these people how often I am visiting and how much the visits mean to me. Well that's how I found out about what he told them. They just feel sorry for me. And that is the humiliation. To know that people I thought were my friends have been feeling pity towards me for this long is humiliating. I am embarrassed.

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On to how he could be using me. Well that is obvious. I send him money and food and clothes and any other thing the prison will allow. There is not another person in his life that is willing or able to do those things for him. I am the one he is relying on to get a lawyer when it gets closer to his parole date and the one who is responsible enough to follow through. You are not the first person to comment on our relationship and age difference. Before Travis was dealing with this situation he was an amazing partner. Fully holding up his end of the relationship. Being with him has made me a much nicer person. I have become more patient and understanding because of the time I have spent with him. It took several years for me to trust him and learn to rely on him. To allow myself to need someone. I was ready, willing and able to get through this with him. To wait for him and do everything I can to support him. I wasn't ready to be betrayed.

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Oh, Thea. :( Wish you could have confided this all earlier. I understand you weren't ready, but - just wish. To be honest, I have, right from the start, been 'smelling' stuff. I'll tell you what the first thing was, asap - tomorrow night or Friday, first port of call. Meantime, Thea, they feel sorry for you - you, not Travis! - because they like and respect you. And, therefore, felt you deserved to know sooner rather than later. They've probably spent a long time Umm-ing and Ah-ing over this. Trust me, I've been in that position and it's a highly risky prospect, being that degree of Messenger. You could have 'shot' them. Obviously, they didn't want that to happen. But once the scales tipped, courtesy of hearing you talk like you were convinced you and he were still a romantic couple - with a Hope so big it would mean a Grief that big, which was bound to keep growing - they've told you. To save you from any avoidably heavy trauma and grief. Actions. They're fond of you, mate. They prefer you to him. They have planted their flag on YOU. Conversely...if this had had happened to me (which it has) and my, even joint friends didn't pity me, I'd be bemused and feel effing insulted and neglected. And I'd know there was something psychologically wrong with them. THAT!...would be reason to feel humiliated (on top of crushed) - trust me on that as well! That attitude 'of yours' is a Narcissistic Flea that you've picked up on your travels, missus. You and I need to delve more on this. As I say, BRB. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GIANT HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) It's not you, Thea. You're lovely.

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PS: "They have planted their flag on YOU." Maybe not clear enough. I mean, they want to *stay friends* with you, AND are ready to get closer. The term is "Friend AND CONFIDANT", remember? The two go together. And they just did you a massive favour. And who knows - maybe they're secretly a bit scared of him? How many told you?/How many new closer friends have you over time won yourself with your refined and gentle ladylike-ness? (In case you didn't know, you're exceptionally graceful.) PS: You mean, JOINT credit-cards?...with you, lumbered with paying them back?

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No not joint cards. They were in his name alone and I have no responsibility for any dept he has run up. We worked hard to build his credit while we were together, it was important to him. I had never had credit cards. I applied for some because building credit was important to him, but we always kept them separate. I thank you for the compliments. Being referred to as lady like and graceful is something new for me. I don't know what I am going to do. Going from the high I felt after the Christmas visit to this low is quite a shock. I just found out today that he sent Christmas cards to several people with pictures of him in his fire gear, that's the program he's in at the prison. No letter or pictures to me though. I have to give up on us. I have to stop putting myself out there to be hurt. I just don't have any idea what my life looks like going forward. I don't want to think about it.

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Heya! Sorry for the answer lag, I've had food poisoning. That was fun. Seems my immune system is a bit feeble at the mo. Anyway - not joint cards. Thank god for that. But how come at his age his credit needed building up? " Being referred to as lady like and graceful is something new for me." Really?? What - seriously? I don't get that; you're positively dripping in it. Question: do people tend to compliment you/give you positive feedback, ever? "Going from the high I felt after the Christmas visit to this low is quite a shock." Well, that's a huge understatement, surely! "I just found out today that he sent Christmas cards to several people with pictures of him in his fire gear, that's the program he's in at the prison. No letter or pictures to me though." Yeah, it's like he's trying to impress them, isn't it. With you - not neeeded, possibly, because he feels reassured? But did you already know he was on the program? " I have to give up on us. I have to stop putting myself out there to be hurt." When's your next visit due? You're going to need to confront him over all of this, I presume? "I just don't have any idea what my life looks like going forward. I don't want to think about it." You don't need to. It'll evolve, slowly and steadily....take care of itself, you'll see. For now, you just need to grieve him out quite a bit for the talk. You can always recover that lost bonding ground if it turns out merely that he's been a thoughtless d*ck, but at least it'll give you emotional protection in case it's bad news. PS: When he told you he'd changed his mind and wanted kids, I presumed he meant with you. Was that the way you yourself took it? PPS: Feel free to talk and vent it all out here.

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Thea, can I just be blunt for a minute and ask that you not take it the wrong way? Do you think when you picked Travis you picked beneath you? What was your prior relationship like, how did it end? How soon afterwards did you get with T? Is it possible you've ALWAYS picked beneath your true league?

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I'm so sorry to hear about the food poisoning. I've been there and it is terrible! Travis and I once got it from the same place at the same time, I guess it was the salad. If it hadn't been so awful it would have been comical. I have never been so happy to have 2 bathrooms!! I am going to visit him February 11. I should discuss all of this with him but it would be difficult with the way the visitation room is set up. I am reluctant to get emotional in front of the guards and other inmates. I have started writing several letters, each one has been put aside bc I'm not sure I am communicating my thoughts and feelings properly. As for the children issue. No there was no chance of us having children together. I am not able. I am also not interested in adopting. I have never wanted children and we discussed that very early in our relationship. I always thought he had brought that idea up bc it would drive me away. He knew it wasn't an option for me and maybe I would just walk away bc he had decided he wanted kids. It is also unbelievable that he would think it was an actual option for him. He will be at least 40 before he gets out on parole and is looking at 2 to 3 years of work release after that. He can't possibly believe that at 42 or 43 years old, with at least 10 years of parole in front of him , no home, no credit, no car and limited job opportunities that he will find a woman stupid enough to make babies with him! He would be 44 or 45 before a child was even born. The whole thing doesn't make sense.

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I don't think I chose below me. I chose someone different than me. Someone who gave me joy and comfort. A person I could talk to and share experiences with. We were close friends for nearly a year before anything romantic happened. I have a very bad track record with the men I choose. I acknowledge that I am to blame for most of that, I should have been a better judge of character. Travis was different though. He was solid and trustworthy and kind. He always had my back and was there for me. That is why I am having such a hard time accepting the things he is doing and has done. It's almost 9 years now. That's a very long time to hide your true self from someone.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I understand that he is going through a life changing experience. I know that I will never fully understand the things that are happening to him. The fear and insecurity he must feel on an hourly basis. He doesn't know how long it will last or what kind of life is waiting for him after he is released. He was able to get into the fire fighter program in August. That has taken him outside the prison walls. He shares a bedroom and bathroom with only one other inmate. Although he is still in prison it is an amazing upgrade from what most inmates have. He has a tv, with cable, that he can watch anytime. There are only 6 men total in the "firehouse ". They have a couch and recliner, a washer and dryer. They have a stove and oven, a microwave and toaster oven. He has the ability to go outside at pretty much any time between 6 am and 10 pm. They have a small basketball area, horse shoes and corn hole. I know he still doesn't have freedom but I can't imagine being incarcerated could be much better. I send him money and food and all of the clothing he is able to receive. I also visit as often as possible. I knew what I was going to go through when he received his sentence. I just didn't expect him to change like he has.

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Hey-hey... "I'm so sorry to hear about the food poisoning. I've been there and it is terrible! Travis and I once got it from the same place at the same time, I guess it was the salad. If it hadn't been so awful it would have been comical. I have never been so happy to have 2 bathrooms!!" The trick I use, is - the MINUTE vomiting pauses, drink as much water in tiny sips as you can. It dilutes it a lot, stops it from going up your nose (ooh, I hate that), makes it far less pungent and acidic. And then when I'm sure it's stopped - a take a good few glugs of strong saltwater, wait an hour, and follow up with pure water. Twelve hours straight, it was, minus a few naps. And I was knackered already. Haha...'Mmm, nice topic'. Oops. "I am going to visit him February 11. I should discuss all of this with him but it would be difficult with the way the visitation room is set up. I am reluctant to get emotional in front of the guards and other inmates. " Sod the guards! Who CARES what they think! But why wait for the guillotine (if there is one)? Write him a letter and ask for a reply in-kind. " I have started writing several letters," Oh! hahaha! 'Great minds...', "each one has been put aside bc I'm not sure I am communicating my thoughts and feelings properly." It'll come. No rush. If you like - draft it here (- 'Yours, Ann Nonymous'). "As for the children issue. No there was no chance of us having children together. I am not able. I am also not interested in adopting. I have never wanted children and we discussed that very early in our relationship." I know you can't. I meant adopting, but at the time it was before you responded that you were adverse to own kids full-stop. "I always thought he had brought that idea up bc it would drive me away. He knew it wasn't an option for me and maybe I would just walk away bc he had decided he wanted kids." I thought he wanted to see how far you'd fight for him (via self-sacrifice), how permanently sticky you'd be. " It is also unbelievable that he would think it was an actual option for him. He will be at least 40 before he gets out on parole and is looking at 2 to 3 years of work release after that. " Precisely the reason why I thought what I thought, that it had to be a litmust test. Not ONLY will be be 40, he'll be a very unfit, unhealthy, traumatised one. Well, if it WAS to make you bugger-off: 1. Why leave that obvious hole in his reasoning? 2. Why can't he just tell you to your face that it's Over, and in a way that leaves you in no doubt? Why the games? Or is he that much of a coward? "He can't possibly believe that at 42 or 43 years old, with at least 10 years of parole in front of him , no home, no credit, no car and limited job opportunities that he will find a woman stupid enough to make babies with him! He would be 44 or 45 before a child was even born. The whole thing doesn't make sense." Exactly parte deux. Or maybe he could find a woman stupid enough. ?? Thea. Can we please agree that without constant contact keeping on those Rose Tinteds of yours - Travis is actually quite unintelligent? Especially compared to you? FFS woman, you're a Diamond! How do you not know that!?! HOW?

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Averse. (Tsk) (must have puked up my internal dictionary)

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"I don't think I chose below me. I chose someone different than me. Someone who gave me joy and comfort. A person I could talk to and share experiences with. We were close friends for nearly a year before anything romantic happened. I have a very bad track record with the men I choose. I acknowledge that I am to blame for most of that, I should have been a better judge of character. Travis was different though. He was solid and trustworthy and kind. He always had my back and was there for me. That is why I am having such a hard time accepting the things he is doing and has done. It's almost 9 years now. That's a very long time to hide your true self from someone." Well, you must have, Thea. Because YOU would NEVER behave like Travis, make his frankly childish and ridiculous choices decisions and acts, and thereby be so cavalier with his emotional welfare like he's been doing to you. But I didn't mean you deliberately chose beneath you. If you chose him based on "refreshingly different", etc., then maybe you under-estimated or completely overlooked the need for matching intellect and emotional maturity? He's been treating you very shoddily. Fine(ish), normally, given the circumstances, if there were all along a point to it - BUT NOT IF THERE ISN'T NOR EVER WAS - UNBEKNOWNST TO YOU! Eff that for a game of soldiers?! One year isn't a close friendship, btw. Anyway, Friendship is a separate personal facet so it doesn't help along the Romantic relationship any. It actually doesn't count. "I have a very bad track record with the men I choose. I acknowledge that I am to blame for most of that, I should have been a better judge of character." Like what? What do you mean you acknowledge that you were to blame for most of it? So you've dated Nasty Boys, then, yes? Details, please? In the meantime: How are you to blame for that? Did they present as Nasty and have you thinking - Be still my beating heart! - or - I'll have me summa that, yum-yum, yes please!? If not - no, you're not. They falsely advertised, falsely interviewed, falsely test period-ed,...mis-everythinged. It's a fact that there is no failsafe defense, Thea. In theory, yes. In the real-life moment - PFFFF, forget it! It's literally a lottery whether you cross paths with that type. And intellect helps/shields not a jot - because we don't fall for people with our thinking side (more's the pity). And that's why abusers/exploiters/nasty boys and girls are labelled, Emotionally Dangerous. Escaping at the earliest opportunity is what counts. And if you don't believe me - ask any soldiers who escaped from Colditz. Well, there is ONE thing: NOT BEING USED TO ABUSE. Or no longer used to because it's been so long. Getting the full-blown shock/offense/creepy feeling.

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" He was solid and trustworthy and kind. He always had my back and was there for me. That is why I am having such a hard time accepting the things he is doing and has done. It's almost 9 years now. That's a very long time to hide your true self from someone."" So was mine. So did mine, so was mine. So did I. (So did loads of people here.) ...Until he wasn't. Eighteen years. Including 2 of best friendship (hah!, even that was faked!). Yes, isn't it a long time. But not if you need to keep your situation for as long as you can. Didn't he ever show flashes of this hard-hearted or mercinariness? Did he never string other people along? Maybe you need to trawl back through the mental photo album? Or maybe this whole experience has changed him too profoundly already? And not in a good way? I mean - really... Isn't saying to a woman who can't have kids and doesn't want any, 'I want kids', when we put it into this newer, updated context, equate to: You aren't useful to me and my amended plans any more so you have to go. ? We're supposed to put emotional attachment/investment and loyalty first, not practical needs/wants. According to our innate programmes. Let me help you write a letter. Let's just bloody pin him to the wall and find out. We're not victims, waiting for a hundred lashes, eh!

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Your timing is impeccable!! I am not only off work tomorrow and staying up later than usual but I just got off the phone with Travis. I appreciate the advice on how to handle the next bout of food, although I hope it doesn't happen. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. I keep writing the letters and discarding them, I am looking for just the right balance between hurt and anger. I want to be clear and honest. I don't want him to think I hate him but I need him to understand the truth about his actions and what they have done to me. You are correct, he is not book smart. I don't think he is unintelligent though. He is super quick with mechanical and technical things. He learns by watching and doing and picks stuff like that up very fast. He is not a reader. I think he actually has some disability in that respect. I know I am defending him and it's stupid. I just love him. More correctly I love who he used to be or who he pretended to be. I don't know anymore.

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PS: You ARE a good judge of character. They presented a complete character - for too long NOT to trust and fall for them - and you judged it correctly and KEPT judging it correctly. How were you to know the character was a complete fabrication out of past people these men had met, combined with whatever they could sense you wanted their character to be? It's not called Confidence Trick for nothing. But in Travis's case - he's an injured animal under constant threat...living in a scary jungle. That would make ANYONE turn (temporarily) Narcissistic....uber selfish, suddenly hard-hearted, illogical, bit thick...all of it. Only that letter is going to set your mind free. Now that you KNOW there are false characters out there - and utterly convincing ones! - you can keep your eyes and ears (and white coat & clippboard) out for BOTH types - genuine AND fake, simultaneously. (Yayyyy....as if dating hadn't been hard enough already...) PS: They'd make superb actors and actresses, in fact. If it weren't for the other fact, that they have a truly crap work ethic and hate to be told what to do by anyone, plus the other: that playing a character almost 24/7 IS a full-time job in ITSELF! (Alanis Morisette's head just bent out of shape, haha) Being WITH us is their job, the severe ones. Less severe - their Money Off coupon-on-legs.

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Oh the stories of my past men!! I could do several Jerry Springer shows!! Do you know who that is? Not even looking at the boyfriends, just the 2 husbands. The first left me for a fat, black man. My polar opposite. And came back 4 months later, after the man had kicked him out, and wanted us to work it out. My second husband left me for a meth whore. I'm not being judgemental, she actually had sex with random men in order to get meth!! He went on to have 2 children with his sons half sister, the first when she was only 17. He has abandoned them all and as far as I know nobody knows where he currently resides. I can pick um!!

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"He has a tv, with cable, that he can watch anytime. There are only 6 men total in the "firehouse ". They have a couch and recliner, a washer and dryer. They have a stove and oven, a microwave and toaster oven. He has the ability to go outside at pretty much any time between 6 am and 10 pm. They have a small basketball area, horse shoes and corn hole. I know he still doesn't have freedom but I can't imagine being incarcerated could be much better. I send him money and food and all of the clothing he is able to receive. I also visit as often as possible. I knew what I was going to go through when he received his sentence. I just didn't expect him to change like he has." Sounds like a Eurocamp resort! (For a Prison, I mean.) Are his parents funding his prison livelihood too? How much money, Thea? Including the cost of the food and clothing? Per month, on average? Does he have savings and do you have access to them? Did he leave you any funds before going in? Or his family? And what's the total Travis-related cost per month after you add in travel and accommodation costs? No (last sentance)... I know what you mean. It is a bit 180-degree spin-around. I mean, if he were insecure and needing reassurance - what happened to his mouth? But what's a grown man doing, getting a DUI at his ripe age, not least, one that severe? Men are supposed to mature out of that by about 25 or so. So what was that all about?

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I was always afraid that prison would change Travis into someone I didn't know anymore. I don't know if that is what has happened or if he was never who I thought he was to begin with. I do know that I can't imagine a life where I would be able to trust him again. Even if he were to apologize and blame everything he has done and said on his fear and pain he has had to endure it just wouldn't excuse taking it out on me over and over. Of all the people in his life I should be the person he treats the best. If for no other reason than I'm the only one who can support him financially and emotionally while he's in there and the only place he has when he finally gets released. None of it makes sense. I may take you up on the help with the letter. I'm going to try a few more drafts on my own. Thank you for all of your kindness and support. Please know it does help. You have a gift!

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"Your timing is impeccable!!" Oh, hello! :D Right, I suggest you read Wild Swans tonight and get into that 'roaming reporter' mindset. Your words will have far greater effect if they're as objective and Spock-like as possible. Hating isn't applicable here. But you have a right to sound angry. But no - mew-mew, poor meee. You should sound DISTINCTLY UNIMPRESSED and frankly, a little bit turned-off, ...."ew". And SO disappointed in him. That'd do it. Anything else could get put down to PMT.

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"You are correct, he is not book smart. I don't think he is unintelligent though. He is super quick with mechanical and technical things. He learns by watching and doing and picks stuff like that up very fast. He is not a reader. I think he actually has some disability in that respect. I know I am defending him and it's stupid. I just love him. More correctly I love who he used to be or who he pretended to be. I don't know anymore." Emotionally unintelligent. And frankly, immature. Acts and relates to people like an overgrown teenager, really. Practical-minded - sure. Not a reader was noted weeks back. Mmmm...dunno. I mean - WHICH ONE are you defending? You don't even know any more, do you. If you were defending Travis today, since he went inside, then, I'd agree...although, not that it was stupid per se. It's not stupid. It's Loyal. Loyalty isn't stupid. Without it, we humans would have gone extinct 5 minutes after having begun. Breaking someone's trust - from over-testing it - is the definitiion of stupid. When Trust goes, it's partner, Love, goes with it. It's like jumping up and down on your favourite chair, so hard and so lengthily that it breaks... "Oh nooo, I can't sit on my favourite chair any more!". Or like Hang on a minute. ....Self-Destruction. FFS effing lumberjacks.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Sorry, he's emotionally VERY thick. We'll discuss it more tomorrow (I'm in too). I need you to tell me how the visit and phonecall went. All the signs of Old Travis and that he was still Into You and thinking long-term with you. No negatives - just the positives. PS: My timing is impeccable? Nay. Fate's.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Do you know what they really fake, IMO? More so, the LESS skilled an actor they are? Potential. Oh, it's there. But it's completely, permanently locked-in, unbeknowsnst to us 'bloodhound' types. And then cemented over. With steel reinforcement. Mummified ...which is quite apt, really, considering they try to make their partners their mothers (or fathers) - healthy versions, I mean. Deep-down, they know what they're are, what they're like, and why, and think getting mothered for however-many years/decades by a healthy version will cure it. Which, it can't. And then that means you're a sh*t mummy/daddy too - take that (throws Hotwheel at head). That's what I think.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Oh the stories of my past men!! I could do several Jerry Springer shows!! Do you know who that is?" Yes. It's disgusting. Exploiting people who are so clearly mentally-unhealthy or downright ill (or broken), like that. "Not even looking at the boyfriends, just the 2 husbands." Oh, great - even worse. " The first left me for a fat, black man. My polar opposite. And came back 4 months later, after the man had kicked him out, and wanted us to work it out. " OMG - Narcissistic Psychopath! Top-Secret Double Life... wife is mere window-dressing... The Mask Of Respectability (as well as the Narc Mask of Sanity). They don't just cheat you out of a healthy romantic relationship and waste your time (not really, but that's how it feels at first), they cheat you out of your entire life and its purpose! They cheat out of the WORLD, not just reality! Work WHAT out?! Were you supposed to gain weight and over-do the suntan?? Not to mention the sex-change?! Lower Functioning, obviously. Woman (and all people) As Object/Tool. Wowzers. What was that like!? "My second husband left me for a meth whore." Bloody Nora? Mind you, she probably was very needy and willing to become completely dependent. And he had the typical Narc Hero Illusion. "I'm not being judgemental, she actually had sex with random men in order to get meth!!" I didn't think you were. (Tip: only pre-defend/-justify when accused, not a minute beforehand; it's a waste of limited, stored 'battery power' that has to last you once your cell-regeneration slows. And Sh*thead needs you.) "He went on to have 2 children with his sons half sister, the first when she was only 17. " YE *GODS* Is this for-real? Are you having me on? " He has abandoned them all and as far as I know nobody knows where he currently resides." Six-foot under, probably! (Severe Narc-Sociopath!) "I can pick um!!" You don't pick Narcs. Nobody does.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I'm gobsmacked. How the eff does a top-quality gene-vehicle like yourself, end up surrounded by Jerry Springer 'guests'????? Thea, this ENTIRE TIME I've been picturing you wearing a bloody tiara! Because it fit! You need to be with your people, Thea. These - this area - are not it. (Christ, no wonder you like your wine! So the eff would I!!!)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Narcissistic Psychopath! " Actually - not. What am I talking about. That was far too base and overt. With a Psychopath, you'd never have found out. They don't make mistakes (unless they're super-heavy on the Narcissistic side or a misdiagnosed N-Spath). Someone has to dob them in. This is super-enlightening already. Theory: Travis is a bit narcissistic and a mild sociopath. He has traits. But not ever-present ones. They come out under enough pressure, where other people have nothing to come out under pressure, except for BEING EVEN NICER, EVEN MORE PEOPLE-PLEASING. Wholesome ingredients - Pressure-Cooker = Nutritious Meal Ingredients that appear wholesome but are toxic in the centre (like the outer onion layers you can eat if far away enough from the rotting core) (no offence) - Pressure-Cooker = Yuck. OR Person pretends to live on Penthouse Floor (5) but really lives on Floor 2. If X stress and pressure represents an accidental lift-droppage of 3 floors - person in lift is going to end up in the bloody Basement. (Rumbled!) The genuine 5th Floor resident would only drop as low as Floor 2. Drop As Low. I.e. morals, standards, intelligence...all of it. Truthfully, now: which Floor did you think Travis showed he actually lived on? And which floor would you say he has dropped to? His foetal - read animal - position is not attractive, in other words, to the degree where you'd never have wanted to have moved-in with him had he shown you this side. Were you 100% shocked when you learned he'd caused a road-traffic accident? Did he have previous? Or had he got away with previous? He's fallen back on his childhood/teenage Survival Head and Skills because he's too DefCon-ed to think straight. His Autopilot's a bit of a hard-hearted, selfish, self-obsessed banker, IOW. It's not only how people are in the sunshine, but how they are in the rain or thunder & lightning. Because there will always be thunder & lightning. During which, you need a supportive other adult. (...Unless what you need more is a quasi baby, i.e. safe baby?) (Whom out of his family is he behaving like?) But he is an improvement on 2nd husband (just a bit). And 2nd husband was a distinct improvement on 1st Husband. They come in threes, Thea. Well-known fact. If you don't get COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY over them before entering your next relationship, you are at almost certain risk of being targetted by another. If, however, you're much improved - the next will be milder. And repeat. What no-one knows is, these are not relationships. They are fake relationships as a cover for exploitation (even abuse is exploitation). A Con-Job. For conning you into pairing up with them, the mental cripple disguised as a fit n tasty one. At best, they are a warped version of a relationship COMBINED with a Con-Job. But they are, for you. So YOUR connection is with pure intention, YOUR attachment is present and genuine, YOUR pain on thought of loss/separation is real, ditto your hopes, dreams, understanding and trust of the world, etc. Takes about 1-2 years to recover emotionally from a normal relationship break-up. Takes way longer after having been conned (it breaks your trust in YOURSELF). The two together are a MASSIVE trauma (whether acutely or chronically or if you're really unlucky - both). Worse than any Vietnam Vet (FACT!). The attack on us and only us, was personal. And without a breather. I could go on. Anyway, if I'm right - Travis is not supposed to be your forever bloke. He was just a stepping stone...one that would complete your education (on nasty..downright inhuman people) and give you permanent Closure so that your forever bloke will be Top Shelf like your good self, Madam/My Lady. (Oh, puh-LEASE look into your full genetic history, I am GAGGING to know where this incredibly poise of yours comes from!) Bit deep for a Tuesdee mornin', but - what do you think?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Sorry - didn't mean Travis conned you. He's mild because you picked him when you were predominantly slime-free. So he just becomes Mercenary. That's the sociopath bit. The Narc bit becomes Me-Me-Me-Sod-You; I'm the Victim; Hit Or Be Hit (saying he was going off you in case you dumped him and everyone got to know). He might make a sudden recovery now that he's in the Fireman Training Programme. But, given what you've been told - and you don't KNOW it's out-of-date/obsolete or a moot point "today" - you are not at liberty to wait around to find out whether you're giving, providing and investing like a lover to Lover Level, for a mere friend/dependent. And deliberately not being told. (Hinting - including via 3rd parties - is Wildly Inappropriate, downright emotionally clueless, thoughtlessly cruel, cowardly, everything....). So - yup - excellent decision - we write that letter. Keeping it very simple. Like - Piss or get off the pot, Travis (and fund your own consequence :P). But classier, innit, LOL.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I wish I was making the stuff about the husbands up. I know it's hard to believe. I just don't have that good of an imagination. If I did I would for Hollywood. You are correct about the trauma. I feel bruised. Not just emotionally, I actually feel a sense of physical weariness, a general ache. I will try the letters a few more times and let you in on what I land on. I don't think I will send anything before I visit in a bit less than 2 weeks. I think that may be my goodbye , even if Travis is unaware of it. It might be easier that way. Easier for both of us. I would like to keep my promise and stand by him though all of this, and it causes me some guilt to go back on my word. I know that's silly considering the things he's doing. Part of me still thinks he did all of this bc he was afraid I would abandon him and he was just trying to get it over with. As much as I have tried to rationalize it that way I can't take it anymore. The hits just seem to keep coming and at some point I have to stop the pain. Thank you again. You have been incredibly attentive tonight. Go spread you compassion and I will let you know when I get something set to send. I would value your input.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"I wish I was making the stuff about the husbands up. I know it's hard to believe. I just don't have that good of an imagination. If I did I would for Hollywood." No, it's not hard to believe. Only the extremity of those two's behaviour! It's not hard to believe at all. You're a catch, graceful, dignified and all of that. Stood beside you with your seal of approval, even a scum-bum could look normal and respectable. They think YOU PICKED them when, as I say, that's rot. You picked a prince based on consistently prince-like behaviour....until it wasn't...until it was (in those two's cases) the exact opposite of respectable, the exact opposite of you. What Narc - far too lazy and incapable of WORKING for their reputation - WOULDN'T want you?! "You are correct about the trauma. I feel bruised. Not just emotionally, I actually feel a sense of physical weariness, a general ache." I'll bet- You've been going through a really, really, REALLY hard and scary time. Keep focussing on your brain expansion...eyes on the prize. I mean - come onnnnn... how could anyone NOT emerge from this, totally ripped? But as for Travis... You'll be an old lady one day, Thea. The last thing you need is someone who goes to pieces in a crisis and makes everything so much worse. Again, we won't be premature about it, we'll see if any improvement quickly takes shape thanks to his removal to a safer place, with a manly project, but have that letter ready and waiting in-case. "I will try the letters a few more times and let you in on what I land on." Cool! Here's what would be my own draft, following the endless crap you've had to bear since he went in: Hi, Travis. Just a quick question. Are we still live-in romantic partners or not? Reason I ask is because your whole grapevine seem to think, not, and that you told them you'd lost the spark, implying you'd be ending it with me p.d.q., meaning, have been leading me on this whole time. This is news to me, however, given your overall, ongoing, encouragement to continue my role as your partner. Could you write back asap, please, because obviously I would quite like to know where I stand. Much appreciated. Thea. What sense do you get, of my emotional state, reading that? "I don't think I will send anything before I visit in a bit less than 2 weeks. I think that may be my goodbye , even if Travis is unaware of it." What, you want to study and/or confront him in-the-flesh? Fair enough. " It might be easier that way. Easier for both of us. " I think you can afford to take a break from worrying about his welfare if the above is true and proves he hasn't been giving a single stuff about yours. A suspension of affection, if you like. It's your right to hold your horses. So - sod easier for him. You do what's best for you. " I would like to keep my promise and stand by him though all of this, and it causes me some guilt to go back on my word. I know that's silly considering the things he's doing." No, it's pretty common. It takes a while for the full impact of things to sink in and to change your feelings or attitude accordingly. Best not to speak for your future self, let alone write a screenplay for her, until you find out what's what. "Part of me still thinks he did all of this bc he was afraid I would abandon him and he was just trying to get it over with." That's what I'm hoping too. But then, why couldn't he have come clean and explained, to warn you, so that you DIDN'T get that horrible punch in the guts and could have said, 'Ohh, don't worry about that, he told me about that; he just went a bit stupid out of shock'. Huh? Or did he think people would keep schtum? Well, they didn't did they. Because they really felt for you. So how come his acquaintances have to protect you when it should be him? Just don't prescribe actions for yourself until you get your answers. " As much as I have tried to rationalize it that way I can't take it anymore. The hits just seem to keep coming and at some point I have to stop the pain. " Yes, I agree. He would not only have to show he were sorry and hating himself for having been so thoughtless and careless, and KEEP showing it (until YOU said, stop) but promise faithfully that that kind of nonsense wouldn't ever happen again in your direction, as could even remotely touch you, or he'd be toast. Probation Period. He'd have to work hard to make up for lost trust/ground. " Thank you again. You have been incredibly attentive tonight." Welcome! Yeah, I just lack the TIME these days, that's all, not the will. " Go spread you compassion and I will let you know when I get something set to send." I would value your input." Course! I'm in this with you, aren't I. Hence why I want to punch his silly face. :p PS: you could take your letter with you on the visit and - one whiff that all of this crap is actually true and he IS too stupid, careless and irresponsible with your feelings - whether or NOT it's because, lately, all his self-control energy's going towards defending himself (and his bum) in there, meaning, none left over for you - you hand it over as you leave. Bond...Thea Bond...licensed to kill... Because if it's NOT true but he's still put you through so much, then, until he writes and sends that reassuring reply, he's going to feel like panicked SH*T. And then he'll know what it feels like, won't he, and WON'T put anyone, especially not you, through that kind of mental destabilization all the way to torture. If someone tastes their own disgusting medicine yet after that, STILL tries to dish it - they're doing it deliberately or they're not right in the head. Yup. I think we'll have him surrounded, basically. :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"I would like to keep my promise and stand by him though all of this, and it causes me some guilt to go back on my word. I know that's silly considering the things he's doing." Remeber, you gave that word on the basis that you were his quasi-wife, basically. If your role in his life gets demoted then so does the salary and perks. That's just how the sane world works. Anyway, as I say, we don't know for sure either way yet. This right now is just about limbering-up and tooling-up so that you go in with full confidence, including to throw a cup of water in his face before you storm off without giving him any idea whether you'll ever be back. Let him bloody sweat. *Consequence*. No consequence, no taking you seriously, no lesson learned, got away with it, can risk doing it again. A person may as well fake Os when it was sh*t- It'll never improve, meaning, caught in a trap of faking it. Can't think of anything worse, can you? Anyhoo... Over to you, "m'colleague"! :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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The idea of slipping him the letter is brilliant. The only catch is I can't take it in with me. Only allowed 1 credit card and a clear plastic bag with no more than 10 dollars worth of quarters for the vending machines. No jewelry, no purse or wallet, no watch. They take my driver's license and car keys at the check in before I take my shoes off and go through the whole body scan!! I'm not allowed to bring in a phone, pictures, letters or anything. When I went over Christmas there was a woman trying to visit her son. He was in "the hole" meaning solitary confinement. She was checked in without knowing that and had to sit by herself for the whole 2 hours bc he wasn't allowed a visit but none of us are allowed to leave until the time is up. It was terrible to see her sitting there alone on Christmas. She wasn't allowed to have any contact with any of the other inmates either bc she wasn't on their approved list, otherwise I would have invited her to sit with Travis and I for at least a bit. The way the prison system treats inmates is awful. The thing most people don't understand is that they treat the people who love them and come to visit them like they are criminals as well. I am going to visit Travis again on Feb 11. I am trying to get all my thoughts and feelings sorted out by then. A bit of good news. A long time friend finally got herself out of a long time bad relationship and is staying with me. She is helping with the bills which is a relief, but most of all I feel like I have a friend. We have been talking about both of our men and their good points and bad. I am a little less lonely.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"The idea of slipping him the letter is brilliant. The only catch is I can't take it in with me." Tsk! Bloody prisons. What about getting someone helpful to write it on your stomach?...or glue an A4 sheet there?....and you wear a crop top under your sweater ("gosh, hot in here"). Your other option is to let rip with a parting "look". One that says, I could go OFF you, you know? "Only allowed 1 credit card and a clear plastic bag with no more than 10 dollars worth of quarters for the vending machines. No jewelry, no purse or wallet, no watch. They take my driver's license and car keys at the check in before I take my shoes off and go through the whole body scan!! I'm not allowed to bring in a phone, pictures, letters or anything." Bloody Nora. And are you allowed to fart? (..............Now, THERE'S an idea, hahahahaha!) "When I went over Christmas there was a woman trying to visit her son. He was in "the hole" meaning solitary confinement. She was checked in without knowing that and had to sit by herself for the whole 2 hours bc he wasn't allowed a visit but none of us are allowed to leave until the time is up." OMG, that is too cruel. "It was terrible to see her sitting there alone on Christmas. She wasn't allowed to have any contact with any of the other inmates either bc she wasn't on their approved list, otherwise I would have invited her to sit with Travis and I for at least a bit." Did you manage to catch her eye and smile sympathetically at her? "The way the prison system treats inmates is awful. The thing most people don't understand is that they treat the people who love them and come to visit them like they are criminals as well." I was just about to say that. Is there nothing you rellies can do about it? I mean, it seems deliberately OTT to me - don't you agree? "I am going to visit Travis again on Feb 11. I am trying to get all my thoughts and feelings sorted out by then." Ok. If you need any help - keep posting meanwhile. " A bit of good news. A long time friend finally got herself out of a long time bad relationship and is staying with me." A bit of? NAY, MATE, THAT'S FANTASTIC NEWS! Brilliant-brilliant! "She is helping with the bills which is a relief, but most of all I feel like I have a friend. We have been talking about both of our men and their good points and bad. I am a little less lonely." Fan-effing-tastic, Thea! I'm really pleased for you. And, how brilliantly-timed is that! Someone up there likes you. :) (Mind you: What's there to dislike?)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hello again. You maybe understand a little bit how difficult it is to go to the prison every time. The drive and taking the day off work, the money for gas and what is spent for the vending machines, the trauma of seeing the person you love change just a bit more each time. All of those things are horrible. Then to be treated like I am a criminal too?? No there is nothing the relatives can do. If you even dare to complain you will be taken off the approved visit list. Then what? The DOC has all the power. Once a person is handed over to them no one in their life has any ability to make any true difference as to what happens. There are so many men Travis has encountered that have been eligible for parole consideration for 6 months or more and still haven't heard anything. The prisons are over crowded and understaffed. They are dangerous and offer nothing that resembles "rehabilitation ", which is supposed to be the goal of our prison system. Several weeks ago an inmate was stabbed, bleeding to death. He was unable to get any aid from the guards. The inmate actually used a contraband cell phone to call emergency 911!! It is a zoo. But the people there are not even treated as well as the animals at the zoo. Knowing all of this makes it so much harder for me to push Travis. I know it's not my responsibility but it kills me to think about abandoning him while he's going through such an awful time. I just don't know what to do.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I'll be with you tomorrow. But, meantime: Why is it you're convinced your menu of choices reads thus: Keep or Chuck With only two polar opposites?? You have OTHER solutions! Didn't you realise? I'll describe them tomorrow. Chillax...cancel the fire-engines... it's all do-able, there really isn't any need to panic. We just need a sensible, realistic, not-even-long conversation, you and I. Simples! :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: If you want that 'live' one - I'm 6 hours ahead of you. So if you were home from work, changed into your slobbies, glass of vino in-hand - what time Spanish time would that be?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Just got home from work and cracked a beer!! Felt like being a little red neck tonight!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Awwww...I'd gone to bed already. Neer mind... Right, then. You do exactly what you want to do and make that relatoinship whatever you want it to be and not be. If you want to merely stay friends with Travis, then go for it. Say so. Or say it in a way that lets him argue IF you daren't just ask him outright, What are we now? You could say: given what you yourself intimated to me just before you went in, plus what I've just recently found out you told your whole social circles about us, it's obvious to me that I'm NOT your girlfriend any more. In which case, we're now just friends - ...what - besties or just quite good - you tell me. But Friends it is. If, to you, it's only fair that you drop whatever sized portion of dedication, i.e. slightly less frequent visits or spending far less of YOUR MONEY on him - SO BE IT. He can NOT have his cake and eat it! Especially not when it would destroy you to continue believing he and you were more and that he'd be coming home to you after. Limit the amount of attention, of visits, of affection, expenditure.... behave like you would with, say, a female friend who'd been banged up. Meanwhile, think of all the aspects of the relatonship - in its present circumstance/location - that you BENEFIT from. And keep those. You've obviously been situatonally, forcibly detached enough that you're starting to think: WHAT ABOUT *ME*? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED? WHAT ABOUT *MY WELFARE*...AND TIME AND FINANCES? This relationship, no matter what type it is, is NOT just All About Poor Travis. MY LIFE MATTERS! ...which is both fantastic and impressive on your part. Talk about fast recovery! I've never BEEN envious over someone else's genetic make-up before I met you, Thea. I think you're going to SOAR once you get comfy with being Just Friends. One warning, though. Whatever relationship set-up you agree with Travis - and a lot of it is about you behaving to your lovely nature and being a Rescuer (and a very good one, too, you should be told) - IT IS SUPER-IMPORTANT to bear in mind that this bent MIGHT start to wear off. You might wake up one morning amd think - What am I DOING. And what am I doing it FOR? And you especially, might come to feel that because, let's face it, institutional visitor-abuse-wise - visiting Travis is crystal-clearly NOT A VERY NICE EXPERIENCE. For anyone. (So now you know why so many partners fade-out or give the inmate the Dear John speech. And maybe on the part of the prison system, this is deliberate: less visitors, LESS WORK AND TIME...."Shaking The Tree" it's known as in politics, like being made to wait ages for public services like doctors, etc., these days. Only the most in-love, hugely committed and invested, and determined - because they're the MOST SECURE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE INNMATE (spouses, parents, siblings) refuse to let go.) So do not set yourself unrealistic goals/chores that your Inner She-Ape might protest against. You're still in Survial Mode, so I'm afraid she's got one hand on your internal steering-wheel, still, and you DO NOT want to piss-off your inner ape, trust me...no-one wins at that. The Ape was here LONG-LONG before "You". She da boss where really Crunch stuff is concerned. You seem to be good friends/partners with yours, but I still have a duty to warn you...that if things change, feelings change, needs change - or feelings-needs-things...order immaterial. Our minds change. And this is YOUR life so that's your prerogative. Especially so, since you've been unfairly treated, including, kept in the dark. YOU SHOULDN'T BE THIS INSECURE. Is the end point. The fact you are is the signal that you need to change things so that all of this is to your benefit, not your expensive both fiscally and psycho-emotionally. You'll be safer, thus feel a lot more secure - no more precariousness - as his Friend. And THEN...the scope for getting closer again exists all over again - IF YOU (and he) WANT. Options! Underneath all the details - it's having no options (like Slaves), that destroys humans. You need an Exit Door and a Safety-Net to be able to tolerate any situation that involves your Soul. Does that help any? Does it match what you were thinking? ___________________________________ Anyhoo! How's the new house-mate? Are you gals having a nice time? And can she cook, too? What did her ex-bstd do, then, abuse-wise? Was he a Narcissistic abuser or "just" a spoiled-baby ahole? You've got to admit, far too many men of you guy's generation....how shall I put it?... AREN'T MUCH COP. (It's down to the Feminist Backlash... the Ardent Fems clearly never heard the parable of the Sun And The Wind...bloody idiots. "Slowly, Slowly, Catchee Monkey" it is. Not, charge straight in with your bloody armoured tanks.... Burning bras...what a load of sh*t. You NEED your bras! They're not for MEN'S convenience/pleasure, for god's sake! Ach, don't get me started. But me, if I'd one of them, back in the 70s/80s, I'd have been burning Y-Fronts! I mean - duuuuh? Hahahah.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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...'A little Redneck' - haha - made me giggle! :D When you say beer, do you mean Lager? I've just got a little into Lager. It's REALLY cheap over here. But I have to sweeten it up a little - with that French cordial, Tessiere, "Forest Fruits"/"Fruit de Bois". Makes it taste like a proper cocktail! But the Tessier is very expensive, so I don't benefit monetarily. It's weird, though...I love bitter food, like Olives, for example, but I can't DRINK bitter stuff. Hmm.... (Is there a psychoanalyst in the house? hahaha)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Oh, I forgot to add an optional extra: What might make this transitioning far easier for the pair of you, would be to agree a period of Zero Contact - to kill the romantic expectations that will have become automatic/subconscious/habit. Ideally, your reunion visit should feel a bit awkward. It'd have to customised to suit this uncommon experience, though, i.e. because time passes very slowly for him in there. Basically, you end the romantic relationship, mourn whatever's left to mourn, then start again as Friends, more naturally acting like friends. A Separation. It'd be really important for both of you, however, to set a firm Reunion date. That way, no-one starts getting doubts and paranoid thoughts in the meantime, because each have a clear light visible at the end of the tunnel. And you actually PRE-BOOK that visit (if you can, and if Travis gets informed whenever you do so that he knows it's real and doesn't have to rely on his barely-there Trust and Taith? What you DON'T want, you see, is - you arrive for said Reunion and he's sat there playing hyper-self-defensive mind-games...You don't want to make things worse. If that's not doable, what you COULD do is send him a letter each month, but keeping it free of personal chat, just saying something like, "Hi...2 months donw, only X to go (smiley-face), Thea" (no kiss but do a wee flower if you like). Just keep him reassured that he WILL see you again. So does any of that sound like an intelligently-customised Plan A and B, Stan?

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He IS an idiot, though. We both admit that. Tell me - can you relate to this statement? It's like, over the last decade, I've grown and matured but he seems to be thinking and behaving exactly the same (same age, same age) as he was back when I first met him. Or even - I feel so much more intelligent, sensible and mature than him, and far more than I should with this size of age-gap? Or - Why do I need a kid? I've GOT a kid. Travis. ???

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Okay, so let me just start by saying you are flipping hilarious!! You have such a wit, a way with words, an ability to express yourself clearly. When I read your messages I can almost hear you actually speaking. The new roommate is a dream. She does not cook and is amazed that I do. Anything I fix is a treasure for her. She is a cleaner. She works a later schedule than I do and many mornings I will wake up to find the kitchen scrubbed or the living room sorted. I don't know how none of it wakes me up?! My cat loves her, mostly because she gives him all the treats all the time. She has never lived with any pets and he fascinates her. It is interesting to see a 42 year old woman dicover a 16 year old cat!

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I went to visit Travis yesterday. The drive was hell. It rained all day and what was usually a 6 hour round trip took over 7. The visit was nice, not crowded, being super bowl Sunday here there were only 6 inmates getting visitors. The conversation was good, happy and upbeat. He mentioned several times, in the course of us talking, that he was just trying to get by day by day and not looking at the future. I finally lost patience with him saying that and called him out. I told him I had found out about him telling people he wasn't coming back to me after he got out and said deciding you want kids is the ultimate planning. I told him that I couldn't reconcile all the different things he was saying . He apologized and told me it was " me and you" . He told me he loves me and misses me and needs me. It was wonderful to hear and my heart sang for a minute. I am still holding on to that feeling but I just don't know if I can trust it.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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What you say about the insecurity is real and on point. I wasn't always like this. If you had asked me a year and a half ago I would have told you I had found my person and even if it would be difficult there was a clear future. I don't think I have grown or matured a great amount in the time Travis and I have been together. I understand that everyone changes over time and I can see how I have. I can also see the ways Travis has changed. Not just since he has been locked up but before that. Of course since the accident, which I'm not sure I told you,happened in September of 2018. Because of covid and the general backlog in our court system Travis lived with it hanging over his head for 4 1/2 years before he was convicted. He seems to have regressed. He became less and less responsible, motivated just generally adult. I don't think I could just be friends with him. I mean I obviously could as long as he's in prison. The problem would arise when he is released and moves on with his life. I couldn't be nice or good or happy to watch him find someone new. I am not willing to even try. There is a limit to my love and support. I don't know if I'm in any better of a place than I was before the visit and I don't know how long it will take for me to come to a resolution. I'm trying though. Thank you so much for your wisdom and support. Just bear with me. I know I sound like a wishy-washy mess.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya! Thanks for the compliment! I thought I was actually quite corny these days (I like corny haha). Mainly because my son says, hur-hur, that's such a dad joke. Maybe you do too, huh? I must admit, it's usually people who like Slapstick who tend to like my corny style. PS: I do voices/accents as well. ;) I actually CAAYAN do a Georgia accent, haha! Hearing-me-wise, I just talk at "you" (my monitor) and my fingers record it, that's all. The only things that don't get included are sound-effects - burps and such, haha. I prefer the phone, see. That's where it comes from. Do you split-second plan what to say, then? Naaah, sod that - just chat. HERE'S an interesting thing though...jumped right out at me: You know you sound like a wishy-washy mess. You don't sound anything LIKE a wishy-washy mess - "WHATCHA TALKIN BOUT?"! You're perfectly articulate and just sound like someone who wants to believe something but feels unable to do so to a degree that, for her, would represent Enough Trust for the journey demanded by that rickety carriage. ...To be safe. And secure. And know where you're going. *Whether*. (You can't get more torn/in two minds than, He said blah and I was happy enough -versus- But I'm NOT happy, not enough.) I think you're trying to produce a print-out before the calculation has been done. Don't 'try'. Just take the next week off, don't think about him (as in, what to DO about him), just enjoy your new friend and housemate (ps. answer: because she's considerate, values getting to live there and shows it - by being really quiet as she cleans....or is a true-expert cleaner?). And get more sleep so your backroom staff ("The Numbskulls"...remember them?) can be the ones to decide/vote what you should do with him. And then see if you agree! Just while on the topic, though...Here's what I did when my then-toddler freaked-out as I readied to leave him on his first-ever day at nursery: Gave him my watch (upper arm...told the teacher, obviously). He knew it was precious. I was always reticent to let him touch it (he was only 2, found it fascinating). He did ordinarily know HE was precious-er. But not during a state of panic, feeling at threat (abandonment), he didn't. He knew I'd come back for IT, though. So it worked. Beaaauutifully! What's Travis got, that he'd be willing to put up as insurance, as in - if I don't come home to you, you get to keep my car! (Or, watch?) Just an outside-of-the-envelope suggestion? After all, given what he's just said - he'll get it back, won't he. So what's the problemo? I wouldn't ordinarily suggest such a thing. But this isn't 'ordinarily', is it. And he's already played silly-buggers too much in too little spaace of time. And YES, likely he IS all over the place. BUT YOU AREN'T THE ONE DECIDED TO RISK A D.U.I. LIKE SOME SODDING FIRST-TIME-DRIVER SODDING TEENAGER! So. Exceptional circumstances that are problematic demand for exceptional solutions. So.... food for thought? Again, just bouncing round some ideas? Question: What were all of the thoughts that raced through your mind when you found out he'd been arrested for causing that RTA under-the-influence? And what were they like once you'd got your head around it? I'll post more tomorrow - night! PS: I can hear you too. I can hear everyone here. :) I don't seem to need audio-visual. U'm weird, I um. Hahaha.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Sorry - wasn't clear... "BUT YOU AREN'T THE ONE DECIDED TO RISK A D.U.I. LIKE SOME SODDING FIRST-TIME-DRIVER SODDING TEENAGER!" SO WHY THE BEEPING-BEEPING BEEP SHOULD *YOU* HAVE TO BE PUNISHED ALONGSIDE HIM! HE IS NOT YOUR BABY. HE IS NOT YOUR SINGLE PARENT. "No thanks". Make it IMPOSSIBLE for me to not believe you're coming home to me and THEN I'll stay. And if you don't like THAT - (All together now...) - THEN YOU SHOULDA THOUGHTA THAT WHEN YOU GOT BEHIND THAT SODDING WHEEL, SONNY JIM. What about that - is that too true and too angry? I don't think so? HIS mess - he has to clean it up. ALL of it. Not two-thirds, where you're still going - I want to again but now I daren't. (The Tw*t.) FAIL, Travis! Try again, son, and this time HARDER. :ppppppppppppppp ...is what *I* think/would think (DO, actually, just on your behalf). (Christ...I hope he's better than that when it comes to Foreplay.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Another thing I would like to know now: Who did he give Power Of Attorney to regards his finances/bank accounts and any assets, LIKE his car, while he's inside? And what ACTUALLY did he say - the whole speech? He can't merely have said this one, tiny paragraph, given HOW stressed and worried that discovery would have made you, for weeks and weeks? : "He apologized and told me it was " me and you" . He told me he loves me and misses me and needs me." __________________ Nah... it's no good. I'm not happy about this, even if you are and aren't and anywhere in between. I'm not Cog-Dissed. And you have your safetynet already (which is proving first-class) (housematey). So you're less desperately needful and lonely. You're safer already (no thanks to him). So that means braver...less to lose....so... Let's recap... " He mentioned several times, in the course of us talking, that he was just trying to get by day by day and not looking at the future. I finally lost patience with him saying that and called him out. " Yes, it's called, was being, Non-Committal! Doesn't want to plan. I.e. doesn't want to make any decisions. WELL, TOUGH TITTIE BECAUSE YOU DEMAND HE DO SO NOW HE'S DONE ALL THOSE CRAP THINGS, OR ELSE YOU'RE O-U-T, OUT! Who the eff said HE was the boss, that only HE gets to decide???? Wow. Just WOW. "I told him I had found out about him telling people he wasn't coming back to me after he got out and said deciding you want kids is the ultimate planning." ISN'T IT JUST. (Thea, you'd never stay happy with a secret thickie. Know that now.) " I told him that I couldn't reconcile all the different things he was saying ." No. No-one could. They're called Total Contradictions and Dual Standards. He want plan- he get plan. You want plan - so what, you ain't getting it. (OH, REALLY?!) But anyway - Gold star to you! (Houston, we have another natural-born Barrister in da house.) " He apologized and told me it was " me and you" . He told me he loves me and misses me and needs me. It was wonderful to hear and my heart sang for a minute. I am still holding on to that feeling but I just don't know if I can trust it." _______________ ...So. Basically, he was't going to give you ANY commitment. Until you basically told him you had evidence to suggest he's a fake and a user and you should DUMP HIS ARSE there-and-then (because it IS a Dealbreaker...and leaving it unmended is then ANOTHER Dealbreaker!). So he doesn't want to comfort and protect you unless he can see - "sigh" - HE HAS TO if he wants his goodies? How old is he, really. Seventeen? Is that why he on the day of the crash he was behaving like and making the decisions of a 17-year-old - whom accordingly crashed - and could have, as in very nearly did, killed other people? Just because he has no respect for the pefectly sensible No Drinking & Driving laws? SURELY all you need to respect that one is a bit of bloody commonsense, even IF you don't have maturity? Does he have any sense of obligation to anyone or any-THING? I can't say I myself have seen it so far? Again - who made this his own private planet with its own laws-for-one? Who died and made HIM king and you pauper? Where's his new-found humility since he got banged up?...That's supposed to be VERY levelling, you know. But he's sat there, giving you Cockiness in the form of, Aww, I don't wanna make any plans about Us, thanks. (Well, eff-OFF FOREVER, then!) NO....I DON'T BELIEVE HIM EITHER. What would have been so hard about this: goes inside, remembers what he said to his friends, thought, shiiiit!, and wrote to them all: 'Please ignore what I said - I was crazy at the time - I love Thea, etc., etc.'. Or to have TOLD you and asked you to pass on his genuine contradiction and re-assurances? Two or three quick PHONECALLS, even? I'd have done that - wouldn't you? Nah. He should have been apologising and begging at your feet! Not playing it all cocky. He should have been doing that, even just for the goodies! And I have to tell you something else: If I were "Travis", and it were my lover, and being banged-up had given me a huge wake-up call via a painful reality-slap like no other - I don't think I'd be cocky...so cavalier take-it-or-leave-it. If I needed her and could tell my position with her were precarious and couldn't even bear the CONCEPT of losing her from my life, and I WERE sure I loved her so much that not returning was simply out-of-the-question: I'd do the beeping logical thing and PROPOSE MARRIAGE. What's that - rocket science? It'd hardly be premature, now, would it. Maybe next time you see him - regardless of what you decide (visit/no longer visit) or whether have even done so yet - maybe you should say to him, 'Actually, I'm pleased you don't want to make any plans and just live day-to-day. Because, for all I know, when you get out, I might still have my lovely lodger, meaning, you'll have to live somewhere else.' You could even add, 'She even CLEANS - in return for my cooking. There's a novel arrangement, eh, Big Fella'. (Yeah, I've got his macho number, Thea, let's not pretend any more...he thinks he's Clint Sodding Eastward or something.) ______________________- I think you're ready for this and, more to the point, in a position where it won't floor you. So I'm also going to (have flatmate ready to catch you) (or I will) ask you this: How would you ever know, if, say, he had OTHER women coming to visit him at other times? And that none of them were aware of the other or you? How would you know? I repeat: he shouldn't be that cocky and cavalier for someone OSTENSIBLY in his position - i.e. banged-up and got no-one else but you, mew-mew, mummyyyyy. He may have no compunction about lying - including to you of all 8-year-closest people. But his actions are less cooperative. I think his actions speak truthful volume in spite of his lying mouth. Either that or this boy's pride it off the charts...in which case - you can't make a lasting relationship with that, mate, you really can't. He's just TOO EGOTISTICAL for you. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sorry. I suddenly realised I don't like him any more - or the him at this whole juncture. I don't know if the prison microwave has turned his onion to sh*t because it was secretly rotten nearer or at the core but would have stayed dormant had the microwave not existed, or whether he would have ditched his loving, nice guy efforts even if he'd not been banged-up. But I don't somehow think he's going to be the bloke you once knew. Not on YOUR timeline. Maybe he was only ever meant to be a stepping-stone, rather than the actual opposite river bank? You're not the wife of an oversized and hairy delinquent schoolboy, Thea. You're FAR too classy. Your next IS going to be as high-shelf as yourself. Well, put it this way: if today you met Travis for the first time in a bar - in his present mindset - would you eight years from now be living like man and wife with him - until you were both old? Mate, if you don't even want to be just friends with him then the answer to that is NO, and all that's left is...what's...the physical affection and sex aspects (and social life, maybe). You've got a brilliant-sounding lodger/house-sharer who clearly plans to stay long-term (starting as she means to go on and WHAT a start!) - you're not desperate and lonely any more. After coming-up a decade, he should have more to offer you than, let's carry on just being live-in bf/gf - for another X load of years *MAYBE...MAYBE NOT*. (F*ck-OFF, fella!) The Peasant rejecting or keeping-open-as-an-option, the Princess. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........*HA*!!!!! Short version: I think, now, I disagree with you, about how he merely doesn't want you to stop being his lifeline. It appears he's not even bothered about THAT! So - who is she/they? See what I'm saying? What you COULD do, is get tough. Show him YOUR brutal side (we all have one). Like, miss his next visit and when he asks why, say, "Weeell, you know....we prefer to live day-by-day, not thinking about planning the future. .....Isn't that what you meant?" (Translation: don't pigging try me, son, I've had enough of your nonsense: Now piss or get off the pot! Final beeping chance!). Fancy doing that? You MUST...SURELY feel like doing it by now? Surely! I mean, you must be aware of how many (disturbed and issue-ridden) write 'cold' to convicts, offering themselves as pen-pals or more? Answer: embarrassingly loads. I'M sorry. Hopefully I'm wrong but....IT FITS. Or, as I say, a bloke with an anti-relationship sized, overly macho ego? Neither's good.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PPS: It's me and you. What does that even MEAN, ANYWAY? What happened to the usual vernacular, why couldn't he just come out with what blokes normally come out with? Does he have a PhD in Vagueness? Or just Commitmentphobia? Give your housemate and new best friend a huge hug from me. In no time at all - she's shown him RIGHT UP! :)))))))))) And that's what spending too much time exclusively as a couple (or just you, anyway) stops you being able to do: Make a realistic appraisal based on how other people - those CLOSE to you as well - treat you and behave generally. You're on the last lap of your whole recovery journey and - ta-daa- have accordingly met a much better grade of friend. And it doesn't kill THEM so..... (click-click-whirr-whirr).... what's up with the OTHER person, then?! Whether you know it or not, that's how your mind judges - contrasts and comparisons within different frames of references/contexts. Berbom. Fate works in mysterious ways, hey. (That ok? You ok?)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
My goodness you are full of vim and vigor. If I figured the time out correctly it's fairly early in the morning for you? I am up later than usual because I'm not working tomorrow and pretty much everything you have put forward has been weighing on my mind , even before you wrote it.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Here was the evidence baggie that led to me keeping my mind on that alternative angle: ""He can't possibly believe that at 42 or 43 years old, with at least 10 years of parole in front of him , no home, no credit, no car and limited job opportunities that he will find a woman stupid enough to make babies with him! He would be 44 or 45 before a child was even born. The whole thing doesn't make sense." Exactly parte deux. Or maybe he could find a woman stupid enough. ?? " He clearly has. As I say - embarrassingly (for the female gender) a lot of women (and men, actually).

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"My goodness you are full of vim and vigor. If I figured the time out correctly it's fairly early in the morning for you? I am up later than usual because I'm not working tomorrow and pretty much everything you have put forward has been weighing on my mind , even before you wrote it." Oh, hello! :) Yeah, can't sleep - had long lie-in...it's the usual Covid regression, the repeated but thankfully shrinking-as-it-goes wheel of viral abuse... sleeping a lot this week. Seems to have worked, though. It's Travis' fault. Day off - that's lucky...in view of my bombshell. Confirming your bombshell. Yeah. It was you who thought it. You were the one under-the-table-gave me the TEENY TINY little jigsaw puzzle pieces, after all. That's how this works. I don't see dead people but I definitely hear your inner traitor - your subconscious - going Psst! at me here, there and everywhere while you're going yadder-yadder (no offence - I can't talk when it comes to yaddering haha). I feel like giving him a huge Chinese Burn. (I have a Death Grip btw. So we're talking, De Luxe. Haven't decided whether to do his left or right wrist yet. What-handed is he?)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I was prepared to suspect him, the minute you said he'd got himself banged up. Surely you can see all the volumes his heart spoke by having seen nothing holding him back from taking that huge risk? When effectively Losing You should have been all the deterrent in the world? You don't risk the best thing that's ever happened to you. You just don't. And THAT'S why new dads (healthy ones) sell the sportscar and get an armoured people-carrier and drive around with stickers on the back that read: Baby On Board. You're a lady and you deserve - are made for - a gentleman. You may not know it but I do. Do you know how many people I have met in RL and on the ether? You get to tell. Especially if you had a talent/weird skill for it to begin with. Have some FUN now, Thea. Ok? Enough of that idiot and all his stress. Pretend he doesn't exist for a bit. Have fun with...what's her name/on-forum alias? - and Shithead-the-cat. AND SAVE MONEY.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I am aware of all of the contradicts and the general lack of concern for me and our relationship. I have excused it for a long time because I wanted to give Travis the benefit of doubt and time to adjust to his current situation. It has been almost a year now and I feel like that should be long enough for him to adjust, to the extent anyone could, and realize what he is throwing away. I don't know if there is another woman. I do know if there is she is not visiting. I really have my suspicions because of the "kid" thing. The first thing my biological mother said was that he probably had a child on the way. Someone he was with before he was sent away. I have wanted to be cruel to him. I have written several letters that would permanently burn the bridge. I understand you saying you don't like Travis and you are not the only person in my life who feels that way. My roommate knew him for over a year before she and I met. She says she doesn't recognize the man he is now. The unfortunate fact is I love him and the idea of cutting him off right now is just more than I am prepared to do. I am trying to get to a place where the guilt I will feel is something I can deal with. Right now I don't think I am through mourning the loss . Him being gone would have been difficult enough, but having the entire 8 year relationship called into question is just really too much. Talking to you does help. Thank you again.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS. The bit that made you laugh. It was this, wasn't it? "Bloody Nora. And are you allowed to fart? (..............Now, THERE'S an idea, hahahahaha!)" Heh-heh. Someone's got her anger and self-respect back. (thumbs-up) I'm knackered now, though. It's 8-05am here. Going to have a couple of hours, recharge the ol batteries. Speak again tomorrow if you like? Night!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Just one quick PS (I'll save your main respnse for a bit later): It was very kind and helpful of Fate, I thought, to make the journey there and back extra-extra Hellish, don't you think? It was like a celestial Highlighter Pen. :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
As for the power of attorney. He doesn't have anything to protect. The car was lost in the dui accident, completely totaled, it's actually a miracle he survived with the minor injuries he had. He maxed out all of his credit cards. They are all well into collections and his credit is ruined. The thing I keep coming back to is this- Even if he were to get out, come home to me, profess his love and apologize for all of the crap he has put me through. Even if all of that were to happen I don't know if I would be able to trust him the way I did before. And really that is what it boils down to. I might be able to forgive; I doubt so, but I will never forget. That is not a future that is fair to either of us.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I'm back! "I am aware of all of the contradicts and the general lack of concern for me and our relationship." Yup, I've been seeing that. (Not very flattering that he thought you wouldn't, though, is it. That's why I say he's not nearly intelligent (or well-bred and -gened) enough to be your lifelong partner. You, on the other hand, have superb morals and interpersonal standards/grace. You should be dating a mild corporate/office type, I reckon. City person. With all the interpersonal polish. And who remembers Elvis - or even *Blondie! (haha - only teasing...I can't talk, my last was younger too (almost 6 years)...looked older than me, though. Sing it with me, Thea (in authentic Debbie Harry fashion): "....Oncea-a-a-looo...budidwazzagaaaz...soon-turnedoouu...haddahardaglass... SEEMLIKE THE REAL THIIIINGGGonly-de fiii-ii-iiiine,...Muchamistruss....love's gon-be-hiiin". (Avvanutherpuff, Debbie, LOL) (Maybe back then she'd just had new teeth.) "I have excused it for a long time because I wanted to give Travis the benefit of doubt and time to adjust to his current situation." Which is PRECISELY what any, normal, healthy-minded, sensible, intelligent, sensitive, generous, loving partner is programmed TOOO DOOOOOOO. Again - ain't nuthin' wrong with YOU, luv. If he'd been healthy enough to be someone's 'spouse' to begin with, (1) you'd have been married already (and WANTED to by then), (2) quite possibly had a kiddie already (AND BADLY wanted to have one, "how the heck did that happen!"/"MAGIC!" lol), (3) together, you'd both have moved UP in the world, not down-down-deeper-n-down (name the rock band!).....45678910. And we wouldn't be having this conversation. YOU ARE A SUPREMELY VIABLE LIFE-PARTNER (and friend). Now act like it and make your next a 'hottie', LOL. That's an order, soldier. Mantra: I need Radiators in my life, not Drains. I also have a query, while I'm at it: Have you found your drinking habits changing? I noticed you called it wanting to 'be a redneck' BUT, if you were on wine and suddenly started fancying canned lager, that may be the start of you readjusting back to the real you. (It's to do with girls having been reared to be emotional caretakers...Man is heavy drinker, woman tries to match him to close the unflattering contrast gap (in cases where she senses her partner's got an ego problem and has to be The Boss). 'Remove' the man and, as if by magic, 'wife's' so-called dependency or fondness of alcohol slooooowly lowers back down to purely Social. Wine is good for stress and anxiety, you see (espec Red). BUT what its drinkers DON'T know is that if you go above one glass per night, it has the opposite effect and worsens your symptoms, creating a Catch22. So - RSvP to nosy me, please. :) "It has been almost a year now and I feel like that should be long enough for him to adjust, to the extent anyone could, and realize what he is throwing away. " Blimey - has it!? YES, IT SHOULD, and ditto. AND REALIZE - ABSO-BLOODY-LUTE-LY, THEA! You see. You're too clever for him. Maybe that's what the other woman has that you don't have: lack of brains? You can laugh, mate, but Travis acts exactly LIKE a redneck, which means, no woman of HIS can be cleverer than him?! His ego can't take THAT? Try to argue with me over that - go on! (You wouldn't win the point, but, reckon you'd make a bloody good job trying.) You're not the same genetic culture. Maybe your bio mum's ancestors fell on hard times somewhere along the way, but, I know I have been having online conversations with a genuine Lady, quite possibly with a soupcon of Blue Blood. OK? (It's not hard to recognise patterns if you're an ace patterns-radar-on-legs - this case, representations and symbolisms via text - that I'm already over-familiar with over many other media. And look again at your mum: Basically this: "I don't care if you're the Angel Ruddy Gabriel, she's MY baby and I say X". Talk about the self-assurance and confidence of royalty, with no expectation of being disobeyed! No? Never saw it like that before? Never watched that film about the "Magdeline girls" (and all the American equivalents) and saw how many of them DIDN'T dare? A queen?princess or someone societally IMPORTANT would, though, right? I gets ya thinking, don' I, eh?) "I don't know if there is another woman. I do know if there is she is not visiting." How do you know that? "I really have my suspicions because of the "kid" thing. The first thing my biological mother said was that he probably had a child on the way. Someone he was with before he was sent away. " But anyway, it may not BE a relationship yet. He may just have been woo-ed (by someone who DOESN'T out-iQ him just by Being Her), and he's agreeing "he'd like to have kids too" when he gets out and they can be together, blah-blah-mirroring-and-future-faking-blah. They can use social media, can't they? He might even have been PELTED. Maybe Fantasy Relationships/Poster Girlfriends are more "medicinal" for his state of mind, than real ones? But a man does NOT fly the nest unless he has another to go to. (Old saying, 99.99999999% true.) Whether he flies it physically, or just emotionally-romantically. Did you know, a husband can even cheat on his wife with a motorbike / a wife with a Bridge Club? Maybe needs Marilyn Monroe (rolls eyes). In all seriousness, it might even be that he's become detached from reality (disoassiation). Whatever. As your boyfriend, he is no longer functional thus viable (and getting to see him - NOT ENOUGH for couples - is a horrid, depressing experience to-boot. And he doesn't make you feel wanted. Just needed (and then clearly only a tad). I doubt he'd even be functional enough to BE a friend. If only he had been a bit more grown-up before he chose to get behind that wheel when drunk. He's still a boy. Maybe we should rename him, Tragic. :( "I have wanted to be cruel to him." GOOD. That's Normal-Healthy. "I have written several letters that would permanently burn the bridge." Good. (One of your ancestors must also have been a Girl Guide haha.) "I understand you saying you don't like Travis and you are not the only person in my life who feels that way. My roommate knew him for over a year before she and I met. She says she doesn't recognize the man he is now." This - what prison can do to some of them (particularly the ones that weren't exactly great at 'being real' and handling even NORMAL Reality to begin with) - is what's supposed to make the thought of getting arrested and banged-up, too beeping mind-blowingly scary - sober or not! So why wasn't he, then? These are some of the things I've been seeing since I merely read your thread title. And PS, it's the Fantasy that's fallen apart, not your life...as you now (on your way up) can hopefully, plainly see and appreciate? The reason why I've let you dictate the pace of awakening, was because I recognised I was in the presence of a Lady from a long line of "pure class". But I didn't wear kid gloves and calm my usual jets because I thought you were too delicate. Too important. Capiche? And now you've met a Like (housemate). I suggest you two gals go shopping and the hairdresser's, and start putting what you possess on the inside, more on your outsides. (Food for thought?) Start trying on classier outfits and see if suddenly you "find/recognise" yourselves. (And never underestimate cultural and social influence again. Or your own. In fact - uckit - start a new fashion, the pair of you - you ain't sheep. You're Survivors...Escapees. An Elite faction if ever there was one - ESPECIALLY at your ages! So we can add, still youthful as well.) "The unfortunate fact is I love him and the idea of cutting him off right now is just more than I am prepared to do." And nobody said you had to. You could play The Long Goodbye (picture hands sliding down arms to wrists to fingertips to...poof - gone - no pain whatsoever, just fond (and wry) memories. That would be very kind of you, Thea. Again - IF your inner ape doesn't mind and will let you. You won't know until you start. There's no pressure here, honestly. You have the steering wheel and can take whichever route you damn well like. And you can even take a surprise Left if you fancy! You no longer have a passenger in your car - sky's the limit! Just be you. You're high-grade so I'm confident any decision you make or take or change will be the kindest or least painful, most merciful there is. Follow your feet. "Iam trying to get to a place where the guilt I will feel is something I can deal with. " Exactly. That tap is stiff and slow, takes way longer than your conscious mind to get there. But it does. Can't not. Ancient programme, no reaching it. Certainly not with human hands. "Right now I don't think I am through mourning the loss ." You're a Lady, not Anton bloody Senna - why WOULD you be through it? Are we being too hard on oneoself again, m'Lady? Say it with me... "The Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Modern version: Awwwwwww, ffffffff*ckit. Que Sera bloody Sera. "Him being gone would have been difficult enough, but having the entire 8 year relationship called into question is just really too much." REALLY, YOU SHOULD SAY THAT AGAIN IN CAPITALS. Because it's too true and leaves you no choice but to think and feel how you do and to act on it how and when and how slowly or suddenly not-so-slowly your Lady chooses. Travis gave you that power. Because Travis has for too long, too intensely, been behaving like a peasant...like he's NOT FIT to lick your boots but deludes himself the royalty is HIM, forgetting or being too stupid to remember that royalty is as royalty does/thinks/relates/copes/asks/divulges/believes/BREATHES. And likewise, Peasant. And not even a NICE one. Money's got EFF-ALL to do with class. Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying you're the only one with brilliant genes on here. Nay. We're getting real ladies and gentleman lately, it's wonderful. But you have something extra, and I can feel it and could from the start. So no more wasting yourself, ya hear? (Not talking your job, just pleasing yourself for a bloody change.) "Talking to you does help. Thank you again." You're again very welcome. Now please play this.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU-TeNPNJEQ And then maybe buy a book on 'old-fashioned' etiquette and see what and how you are/vibe/do already. But definitely remember this: If ever a man insults you and wounds you, do NOT do this: "Whyyy are you beeing so MEEEAN tooo meeeeee (sniffle-sniffle/boo-hoo)". It's this: "................Seriously? ......................................Ew/Ugh." And bloody saunter off regardless of WHO is listening or watching you go. You don't need other people to approve your decisions and behaviour. They need YOURS. Too few of THEM would have kept their grace and dignity through all of this...hah, trust me on that! So PRRTH! to them, their opinion of you is immaterial to you. Different bloody planets! Or you could say: ..................Gosh..... How disappointing.... (exit). But you're the Selector whether feminism or any ism likes it or not. You're either Impressed. Or you're not. Think female songbird and the male that has to put on a whole show for her (hopping, singing, dancing, leaping). He doesn't get to say Yay or Nsy. YOU DO. Nature's Way. Or as Dr Seuss basically says: you are the only you that has ever existed or ever will exist. Be you and (having been challenged and tested by this whole experience yet made the top grade), be proud and confident to be and do You. ...which is a very convoluted way of saying: change your mirror, Thea; finally know your worth. Rsvp and keep keeping me (and dem lurkers) posted.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"As for the power of attorney. He doesn't have anything to protect. The car was lost in the dui accident, completely totaled, it's actually a miracle he survived with the minor injuries he had." 1. Ignoring the car (and the fact you must believe his vehicle was totally uninsured) - how do you know for a fact that he doesn't have any savings or assets? For a FACT. As well - at the point of after his arrest, when he was left hanging, as would have given him time to prepare for going in? LIKE WE KNOW HE DID (prepare). 2. After all, this is the man who had time to inform his social circles that you and he probably wouldn't continue once he went in 'because the spark was gone'. Isn't that what you'd call, him making preparations? 3. So why not with other things, like any savings accounts he hadn't told you about? 4. Isn't telling people you and he are to all intents, Over, yet not telling YOU he had (in which case you'd have been in no doubt) - LYING? 5. How much would Travis have been shelling out over these last years had he had to rent somewhere as a singleton? Ditto the bills, food, other living expenses? 6. And let's not forget we now have reason to suspect (because he's certainly talking like it) Travis is either switching partners - hence has "suddenly" got the idea that he's going to be having kids in his future (the one he doesn't want to plan for, but ONLY WHERE YOU'RE CONCERNED)... Ergo, unless you can put me right on any of the above - it's this: The duplicitous liar said/let you believe he has no savings, nor ever did. 7. Did he benefit financially from your taking that as fact? You had a divorce settlement, didn't you?) The duplicitous liar said/let you believe he had no car insurance. The duplicitous liar clearly had Previous. 8. Do you know for a fact that he didn't? And then we have this: "He maxed out all of his credit cards. They are all well into collections and his credit is ruined. " 9. What - ALL OF A SUDDEN when he hadn't done that before? Where - at the cashpoint machines? (Do you know for fact, not?) Creating a nest-egg for when he came out? 10. Where is the bond - from him to you? Why, if he loved you, didn't he try to secure a future with you when he had the perfect 'excuse' to (being banged-up)? Why did he let himself put your relationship at risk (him being taken from you, him not getting to see and hold you every day) in the first place? 11. Ditto why he seems to think he can risk it again by sending cards about his new 'project' to everyone BUT you? Shouldn't the one you love and want your future with be the FIRST to know? You NEED her to keep Hope! You need to avoid letting her LOSE Hope! So - leaving aside that he didn't do the "normal" thing in that situation and propose...and never mind what you might or might not reply - just didn't FEEL like asking you like they usually do - TO give you the Hope to keep holding on and being faithful to HIM. Why didn't he? "The thing I keep coming back to is this- Even if he were to get out, come home to me, profess his love and apologize for all of the crap he has put me through. Even if all of that were to happen I don't know if I would be able to trust him the way I did before." Me, I wouldn't be able to trust him AN INCH. I'd assume he were just biding his time with me until someone else "better" came along. He has proven three times in a row that he does not mind losing what (YOU thought!) he had with you. (Anyone would think the guy had been given a 20-year-sentance the way he's been behaving!). He's not scared because he's too Arrogant to function that way...too arrogant in that special Smug - I'm The Master - way. HE IS IN NO POSITION TO BE CALLING THE SHOTS...ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD KNOW THAT and behave accordingly....according to the Social Rules. He's in the OPPOSITE position, in fact. And yet he's treating you and all-round behaving like he da King...he da Boss. he da only relationship BENEFICIARY and only what HE wants/thinks/feels and decides, is all that factors. You had to ULTIMATUM him - no matter that you did it cleverly, tactfully, diplomatically and all the queenly rest. You had to ULTIMATUM him - JUST TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND - AS IF YOUR PERFECT, BOG-STANDARD, HUMAN....RIGHT. Not his. He PUT himself in there. YOURS. YOU did NOTHING WRONG. He's made this wholly-avoidable (get a lift with a friend/taxi/call you!), horrid-horrid experience for you and he sits there thinking he doesn't have to SHOW EFFING GRATITUDE? My ex-Spath said this: "If the guy doesn't pay I'll just go round his house and take all my work down or smash it all up". I said, not only is it illegal here as much as in (his European country) - meaning, all you can do is 'sue' the guy through Petty Claims Court - but - why on earth would you want to put yourself in a position where it's too likely you'd be banged-up for criminal damage and/or theft ((you have to prove they've conned you first - which is what court is for)), taken away from me and Us? Surely, that should be your No. 1 nightmare, considering how you're always telling me you love me so much and "it's just you and me, bebe"? ((hearing an echo, Thea?) I didn't sign up for a thug or ex-con, thanks; you convinced me you were an intelligent, sensitive Gentleman, all mild-mannered-ness and finesse. If, therefore, you do something to get yourself even just arrested, I will be forced to consider it your true feelings, that you do NOT love me. Okay? (You don't play Football with a priceless vase, do you. You don't even risk throwing it up in the air and catching it. It doesn't even happen absent-mindedly - same as you wouldn't treat a baby that way. You treat it like it's precious and valuable, per se and to you.) And that was not the first occasion he voiced such a sentiment. So the fact he even said that more than the once, dared say it even if he didn't mean it (ESPECIALLY if he didn't mean it or that proves they care zero for how they affect your feelings and wellbeing!), not only revealed that he was nothing LIKE as well-bred, moralistic, kind, reasonable, SANE and classy a person as me, but my distinct opposite in one of either two ways: (a) A user (ergo no preventative bond to act as a deterrent against risking our relationship), or (b) as thick as pig sh*t, in fact, not much more intellectual than a caveman (just give it a bash with yer Club, go on, Ug, that'll do it). Neither counted as viable from that point, that revealing disclosure (on top of by-then, too many other ridiculous, needless, wounding things that he somehow BENEFITED from while only I suffered). Honestly...realising I was with a person whom not only wasn't at all on my level - NOR DESERVED TO BE, neither by nature nor via working hard for it like me! - but was clearly a scum-bum scamming thug - AND LITERALLY QUITE A BIT INSANE WITH IT! - was such a tsunami, I can't tell you. And "It"..."This Thing" who'd become nothing LIKE the person I accepted, with no heart to speak of and a messed-up mind, dangerously lacking any ego-control thus self-control nor limits nor taboos nor any room for ANY other consideration, JUST HIS OTT macho-manly EGO pride that had to be protected at all costs. At ANY cost. Including me/us (while I thought I wanted it) ...."It" was in my house with its feet firmly under the table, including financially (biz and biz account together) (no wonder my credit rating shot up so starkly after I excised him) (have you checked yours?). Yuck. No thanks. I deserve a healthy, workable one or no dice. I'm not a sodding charity worker to THAT degree, that I'm going to let some secret nutter misuse me and my life like that! NO way. (And Jose can eff-off 'n all, lol.) I ended it soon after, as soon as I humanly could. Didn't warn him, though. He would have done something stupid, I'm sure of it. Even threatened stuff (serious stuff) when he here-and-there started to wonder "whether" I could possibly be tricking him out (FYI they've broken their own mechanism for telling truth from lie so will believe anything you tell them...note that donw, please, missus). You just can't take chances with one of those. (Unless they're banged-up and *aren't* organised gangster level.) You just get them or yourself to where you're safe/untouchable and then, whammo, "We're Over (and you know why and if you DON'T know why at your age, you'll never know so, what would be the point in explaining)". He's made it so you don't owe him anything. (He owes YOU.) You could just go POOF! Nobody in the world would blame you if you did. Turns out that, amongst other lovely surprises yet to come, he had been embezzling (which is all standard stuff with them). And petty amounts but on a very frequent basis, soon adds up. I thought I'd protected myself from anything like that before he moved over and in. But, nope. Where there is a monster with a giant will, there is a monstrous way. But at least I caught him early enough. (Are you sure-sure-sure he can't touch you materially and financially?) If they go all "take you or leave you" arrogant, cocky and hurtful like that - yet aren't in a position to - then that means you've entered the point where their Discard programme kicks in...which either goes Over-Not Over-Over - or just Over (Replacement Primary Supply found and secured). But first comes Devaluing. Which is what he's been doing to you, THE MINUTE he knew his situation was due to soon change ergo you didn't fit into propping up his situation any more, e.g. he didn't need help with a roof over his head for the foreseeable future. Me, I think his unwillingness fits better thus is more to do with that than simply the goodies/dosh. I think he's trying to end-it-but-not....keep you hanging on...JUST IN CASE new woman doesn't prove suitable and he then DOES need your perks and services again. "Let's see" or "Let's not make plans" or "Let's stay friends". Answer: NOPE. I responded to your advert as an available boyfriend because I naturally wanted and needed a boyfriend, not a completely different relationship like friend or acquaintance. I am no-one's substitute or back-up safety-net, thanks. ...Because Thea, healthy people know that to tolerate spending any time in a demoted position does NOT sit well with us and therefore would achieve THE OPPOSITE of being a lot better than just not seeing them again. Put simply: to stop it hurting you have to get over. And to get over, you have to Be Over. No more Star and Tea-Girl/Gofer/Cleaner. You deserve to be Co-Star - with a man who wants a co-star. Teamship. Overall, equal beings. ...Unless you do a 6-month Separation, of course? Not only would you detach enough, as I say, but also you'd get to see if he suffered, panicked and about-faced his whole attitude (IF he is just bluffing for his ego's sake, I mean) (albeit - who wants someone who feeds their ego by stealing your precious self-esteem, anyway? So how is this guy viable/workable from ANY angle?) But/so.... why bother. He should not have that attitude towards you nor be treating you like this. Eight years of loving someone does NOT wear off that suddenly and rapidly. Being banged-up/shocked like that would, as you say, after a reasonable recovery period HEIGHTEN IT, in fact. But - depends what you PUT in that Pressure Cooker or Microwave, in terms of what comes out as reveals it more truly was. Something that tastes REALLY BAD, in this case. Even looks it! Sounds like it! ...If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, waddles like a duck... He's quackers. I believe he's an N-Spath. He ticks too many boxes. And I've just got to 'watch' and 'hear' him. There clearly is NO BOND (or too little, as has gone now) TO STEP INTO THAT FRAY AND STOP HIM GOIN OFF YOU, AND IN RECORD TIME, oh no. Bar the vistation treats and financial support....which, now, thanks to having lined-up a "better" replacement and therefore acting like he has, he no longer NEEDS but would just like anyway - or does need but not for much longer (IF you don't put your foot all the way down and ask for CONCRETE reassurance - preferably IN WRITING...so that if he were playing and using you you COULD show it around town to all and sundry! If he's innocent then that's no threat to him so - how's about it, Travis - prepared to put your pen where your 'closed-circuit' mouth is?) (Bet he isn't.) 'It's just You And Me, baby'. What a chestnut. What a chestnut that flies totally in the face of how he's been treating you and is insisting on continuing to do. *****Don't tell me, pal. SHOW me!****** You're lucky in a way. It's his decision. He can't (I presume) touch you from in there...do anything to get revenge on you if YOU 'have the temerity' to end it (their ego goes crazy if you dare think you're The Chucker, dare to manage it, even!). FYI The Seven (Or Thereabouts) Year Itch is another way of saying: Uh-oh...you 'married' a giant Narcissist of a dirty-low-down conning Sociopath who just wants the benefits that come with you, for-free...no work (once they can tell you're really In It To Win It)...to save up while claiming poverty (get richer at your expense)... to sell the saleable gifts you bought them.... all of it ( - "The gift that keeps on giving", call Abusive N-Spaths). If the fauxlationship goes over that 7-ish Year mark, it's completely down to the woman, not wanting to lose him or not ready to let go like she ought....giving herself time to get her head around it, maybe....or giving herself time to plan while keeping her own powder COMPLETELY dry. But you can't hold back the tide, it's not going to last, anyway. Prison was just the pressure-cooker/microwave... the catalyst. A change in situation needs a change in "bit of fluff". I'll ask again but with an edit: How much money can you roughly calculate, have you "lent"/given/spent on Travis and how much money has his living with you, saved him? And - where's the bond, doing its thing? I can't see it, can you? I can't hear it, either. Maybe a tiny strand of an umbilicus from his side to yours, but that's all. How is how he's been behaving even slightly reminiscent of a man who's heart is broken from not being able to see and live with you every day? Where did it go? That eight whole year attachment shrivelled and fell off (or MOSTLY) a bit quick, didn't it? And neither does he sound like he's trying to be magnanimous and "set you free". He doesn't want you (just your goodies) - or not for much longer - but he doesn't mind if you keep believing he does until it suits HIM to end it. Which, I believe, is just a longer, more detailed way of saying and explaining, this: "And really that is what it boils down to. I might be able to forgive; I doubt so, but I will never forget. That is not a future that is fair to either of us." The past clearly wasn't fair to you to begin with. So forget, either of us. He's kicked the trust out of you. Unless HE does something quick to save the situation, the rest of your positive feelings towards him are going to follow. Sorry if that's waffly, repetitive, in the wrong order or whatever. Me, I would 'ghost' him and see if he panicked. You've tried the reasonable adult talk. It hasn't worked. And I'm aware this fauxlationship is over whether you or I like it or not (no trust, no love, not even like...ju).

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Oops - butterfingers! (...just a long-lasting sense of insecurity all the way to a seriously in-danger mental welfare). So all that CAN be left to do, is decide HOW you're going to End It. Which will decide When. But know this: when they suddenly get bulshy like that, it's usually a sign they already have a nest to go to so can AFFORD to risk insulting and pushing you, making you finally HAVE to say for the sake of keeping your self-respect - Well, eff-off then. So GOOD FOR YOU! WELL DONE! You have zero problems with "receiving" reality, do you. I'll say it again: your next guy (if you even WANT another by then?) is going to be a smasher. The N-Spath is always the Third of that trio of dirty, stinky, toxic, narcissistic buses, it's found. Anhoo...how are you feeling today? And what else has housemate had to say? Or your Mum?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Me, I would go - See ya next time - mwa! And then, just not. And still not. And so on. We beans HATE Not Knowing. Narcs know that which is precisely why they deny us closure (and at best, tell lies that don't even work, just to get the final bit of juice out of us). But Narc-Spaths hate it to point of, it puts them out-of-action. Rather like, if they're innocent, they float and no harm done, and you didn't even have to tie them to that dunking chair! They swore they could swim and love swimming? Let them prove it. Dump them in that cold water (being single) that they so hate and do anything to avoid. :) I would NEVER treat a normal-decent like that, wouldn't dream of it. Never meet a need to, anyway. But the thing with dark narcs is: if you play it straight, honest and transparent like you would another normal-healthy, all you're doing is putting yourself at a serious, serious disadvantage. And that is not SELF-CARE born from self-like or self-pride or self-appreciation and -celebration. That's using a narc as a hair shirt. As a guinnea-pig is alright though. Helping to further scientific knowledge and all that. Just something productive and useful. Like they do. After all - Fair's Fair - more so because they alone started it. But otherwise - Nnnnyo. But take your time deciding. You're the one with all the power here. Him, he just THINKS he is. Thinks he's in control of you and got you all tied up. So insulting, the way they underestimate you and treat you like they're thick, isn't it? Same as little kids when caught red-handed: "It wasn't me, it was Santa!"

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PPS: It's EASY pretending you're brassic when you're the opposite (usually exploited off of other people, mainly women). Normally, a normal guy would find that dynamic intolerable to their normal male pride. If you're the type of man who knows he's only lying, however, then, it doesn't bother him at all because HE knows it's not true and, plus, he doesn't care about what others think about him because soon enough he'll be in another town or city and never see them again. (No ability to bond to point of Lasting-ness, equals, not even to PLACES.) They want to be rich (and have power/status) without being "stupid" enough to have to work for it, like normal, decent, hardworking humans...the ones that make the world work in the first place. I think they were sent to try us.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Well-known anti-Dark-Narc Meme: "Narcissists insist you give up everything. To be their nothing." (You can equally substitute -give up', with 'suffer'.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Wow!! You're feeling you're oats aren't you!! Quite the response. You are, of course, pretty spot on with all of the things you wrote. I appreciate and take to heart ❤️ your wisdom and life lessons. I will end up acting on them, probably, sooner than later. I am so sorry to learn that someone treated you so badly. It is impossibly easy to get pulled into the trap of trust. So few people actually deserve it. No I didn't receive any type of divorce settlement, you can't get blood from a stone. In fact the last husband even gave back the car I had purchased for him because he couldn't afford to insure it or have the title transferred into his name. I know that Travis car was totaled because it was on my insurance policy and the check for the difference in what was owed and what they paid came to me. Of course now I am paying higher rates , I'm actually lucky they didn't cancel me!

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
As much as I would like to, I just don't hate travis. I don't want him to suffer anymore than he already is. I do have to move on and I think I finally realize that he is not going to be the part of my life I have hoped and longed for him to be. I just think I will let it run it's natural course. If I don't pursue him and start to leave him to his own devices he can cope with the choices he has made. I don't want a blow up or an argument. He has made himself clear, many times, over a long period of time. It's just going to take me some time to adjust. I don't want to be angry, that is just a waste of my time and energy. I need to get past the hurt and disappointment.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hellooooo! "Quite the response. You are, of course, pretty spot on with all of the things you wrote. I appreciate and take to heart ❤️ your wisdom and life lessons. I will end up acting on them, probably, sooner than later. No I didn't receive any type of divorce settlement, you can't get blood from a stone. In fact the last husband even gave back the car I had purchased for him because he couldn't afford to insure it or have the title transferred into his name. I know that Travis car was totaled because it was on my insurance policy and the check for the difference in what was owed and what they paid came to me. Of course now I am paying higher rates , I'm actually lucky they didn't cancel me!" Okay. Noted. Just checking. Just be SURE-sure-sure-suresuresure he hasn't managed to syphon or set-up anything iffy financially, like forging your signature, that sort of thing. They do do that (his level). Also, you can laugh, but....in case he's keeping hold of your sleeve because he needs access to your house again - do yourself a favour (just you, don't say a thing to housemate until it comes time to do her room) - search the house, every inch, every nook and cranny, including the garage if you have one, for any hidden wads of cash. I mean - where's he supposed to have PUT that cashpoint-withdrawn money for safekeeping? What - you think he spent it all? What - Mr Insurance (whenever HE deems it vital?). Bet he hasn't. Go on - have a look. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja9RIXyAbRw) (go on) Yeah, cheers, I think I'm noticing that I'm pretty schmokinnn again, lately, like Manalone. But that's life for ya...you live (as well as study voraciously), you learn. Or, YOU LEEEAAR-EEEAAR-EEAR-EARN!, as Alanis yells. (Ever played her first album, Jagged Little Pill? She's strummin' yurr payain, darlin'. So - do (bee-doo). Right...back to work: Sooner than later is right. You're already on the 'conveyorbelt' and once you're on it - you're going there and that's that. And you're above-avg intelligent and insightful so you're going there pretty damn fast. And thank god you are!...with a disturbed dick like that. Sorry, but he is. By anyone's standards. "I am so sorry to learn that someone treated you so badly. It is impossibly easy to get pulled into the trap of trust. So few people actually deserve it." Oh - don't be - I'm not! I take pridñe in the fact I'm probably one of the rare few in this world who CAN say they were half responsible/to-blame! You CANNOT beat experience. Theory alone does NOT cut the topic-expertise mustard; living through it is a whole different ball-game ('the devil is in the *detail*', right?). And anyway, I've always been the leading explorer/mine canary - self-elected - since I could walk. Born leader/canary, what can I say? But only because I innately knew I could handle it (natural-born adult-in-kid-suit). Incredibly curious, analyse anything and everything that moves, and determined to solve, I am. Like a starving dog with a bone - I just don't let go. Until I'm done. The rest were (for me) real relationship attempts, that all-too-soon revealed the person to be a toxic fake of whatever degree. Again, if they were particularly fascinating for their severity or ridiculousness/both, instead of dumping the minute I realised (which I'm perfectly able to do, whether it hurts and sends you on a hit of a "drugs trip" or not, for 'five minutes' in the grand scheme of things or not), I was straight into my White coat with clipboard ("Yeh-yeh-yeh - excellent - a live one!!!") and wasting no time in going PROD...POKE....TICKLE....WRONGFOOT.... TRY TO EXPLAIN/TRAIN....BURN SCRIPT.....MIND-UCK........Out-Narc. And noting down the results. Haha, call me Professori...Profe-sore-ear, more like - or nearly!...the last (the nspath de luxe with added features) tried to deafen me (found out later, he got the idea from his disgusting paternal uncle who literally deafened his poor, poor Alverts-battered wife). I was far too fast for him (daily, intensive sports-training with ankle- and wrist-weights, and self-defense/Shotokan karate/boxing, all through childhood). He went "Hhhhhhhh!...", face to the side of my head, ready to yell straight into my lughole. He didn't realise I knew that trick, got only a fraction of a syllable out - like, "UH-.." - before I whipped my head to face him, bit his nose, swiftly grabbed him in a headlock and scrubbed his hair and scalp, going, Are you enjoying that - are ya, are ya?, until he yelled Submit (shouldn't feature in any adult r/ship, didn't ever expect I'd have to all-out fight any of my own partners, but obviously does with these over-extreme, hostile idiots - which you know if you grew-up surrounded with the effers like I did. If they're a physical abuser as well, you either bully The Bully or lay down and get pulverised). I was sensible about it though. I only take calculated risks. Always come out the (Narc perception) "winner", always smelling of roses. It pisses them RIIIIGHT off. And I mean PERMANENTLY. I am STILL being stalked/checked up on on FB despite I've not touched the thing since beginning 2014 (it's just a shrine come photo album). And hoovering texts, of course (I don't block because that gives them room to twist it to mean you're scared/feel powerless against their chrarms/intimidations). I just read then ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. I am driving...let me see, now.... SEVEN malignant Narcs crazy with seething fury who just CAN NOT LET IT GO. It's so ridiculous it's downright amusing these days. I keep all their emails and texts archived as well. Fantastic examples of nasty ego outbursts, gaslighting attempts, Word Salad like you've never seen, "DARVO"....hundreds of mine and others' examples. I should look and dig one out for you/everybody. Fantastic education aids, they are. Do you remember your boy school-bully? And/or girl? These are them, 'grown-up', folks! Whether simply exploitative only or worse or walking nightmare. You can't REASON with them?! Nothing you SAY (unless it's in THEIR language) has any effect whatsoever. All they understand is PFF, You Don't Scare ME and I'm More Ferocious Than You So Don't Even Try It. (Or more intelligent, whichever..even both.) This is my inner Warrior talking to you. It's not quite as squishy-boo-boo as the up-top Soulmate, is it. (It IS newly official, btw - there ARE two of us in each and every one of us. The trick is - you're the squishy friend and your inner healthy psychopath is your bodyguard. Now you can be like Lady Di and be kind and lovely to strangers, and not have to worry about whether any of them are nutters. You've got Dirty Harriet by your side, LOL. What's to fear? You're freee to roam wherever you like! THAT is what you call Safety and Security, my luv.) And the UNTOUCHABLE CONFIDENCE it gives you - and freedom to be EVEN NICER, MORE HELPFUL - is amazing. But as I say, you have to the study part as well. Brawn without brains isn't a good mixture- well, why am I telling YOU that. Travis has for too long been behaving like he's all brawn, no brain, AND with serious, hostile mother- (and father-)issues (hidden behind gentle boo-boo words like, it's you and me, baby....I know I've proven a liar already, but I'm telling the truth this time, no, really I aaaaam). Seriously. Get yourself prepared with all the offensive/defensive, Self-Defense classes (do the Police still run them for-free?), you can manage and then you TOO could venture into the lion's dens or cages and come out with their 'glorious' manes in your hand and truckloads of knowledge. And no chewed-up elks, just because they'd twisted their ankles, for a good year, possibly forevernevernever... Haha. (Yes, I'm a bit bonkers, but in a good way. Everyone needs someone to go down the cellar steps first, eh (ref "Don't go down to the cellar, girlie/laddie!".) What is it they say? You don't send a boy in to do a man's job? There we go. Only about two or three fauxlationships did I get into deliberately, already knowing what they had to be (new types - too irresistable). But that doesn't work COMPLETELY, for the simple fact it's not genuinely an experience sampled as a person in-love for real (whole diff kettle of fish). Nope, don't cry for ME, Argentina-Nina. I'm absolutely fine, fighting fit. I've raised MANY a glass to all the giant aholes that crashed or slithered into my life in whatever role. :) I'm telling you, though, as an adult, it's when your BOSS is one of them that's going to injure you the most unless you just get out quick. Or maybe that's just me... If too much evidence abounds to prove to you that you're braver, deeper-sighted/cleverer, more creative, intrepid and resourceful than most - which is just down to having been blessed with excellent mix of genes that are spot-on suited to a particularly life role/task - then I believe it's one's moral duty and show of gratitude or appreciation, to help the truly weakened (no such thing as Weak). The Good Samaritan and song "Two Little Boys" had a huge impact on me. Of recognition. But you can NOT go in, armed only with sugar and spice and all things nice. You've got to be like Indie in Raiders of the Lost Ark, that scene with the swashbuckling Arab: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YyBtMxZgQs Yeah, lovely sword-swashing now Do One ("bang!"). Let me find it for you. It's precisely my ethos: don't stand there posturing and showing-off and feeling all impressed with yourself like they do - save your breath and energy (which you need for nice, cooperative human-beings who want and deserve it) and just 'shoot' the buggers. DEAL with properly - or IGNORE properly. That's it. That's all's on the LaLa Land "Solutions" Menu. So anyway....Given an undercover officer suit from "on high"? Tough Tittie. You's a policeman (jungle district). Complain to management, see where it'll get ya. You have to do the training/learning properly, and to know yourself intimately in all situations, all weathers, to have trust - IN YOU. That you can handle anything and anyone... certainly anything that is (highly unfortunately) part-and-parcel of a - not normal - these-days-increasingly COMMONPLACE - lifetime. And that's me! I'm the 'whole package' but quite simple, really. But you could do that if you wanted - YOU'VE got it. But....nyeeeah..... you have a problem with letting out your natural, human, totally earned and deserved ANGER. It can constipate you (psych version), "go off" and turn basically poisonous, but to YOU. I hope it's just here, and that meanwhile, back at the ranch, you've been having a damn good few outbursts and punched the hell out of the sofa cushions? Don't deprive yourself. That's Travis's job. Sorry - WAS. (the blind and crazy snfkdskfsdfjfdfdjjdflfjfd dsiirerod,snfdlifherisfefrasf!!!!) Do try not to defend him to me while I'm in this mood, pretty-please. I already want to kick him off a cliff. Hence my aggression popping up to say Hello somewhat. What does housematey want to do to him? (If she could, even if just in her dreams.) PS: "BANG!", Travis! Straaaight in the jeans/genes. :) Hehheh. Ah, well, it's Satdee night... a night for letting it all hang out. Going to have a dance in a minute....air-punch Travis's face and air-knee him to the beat. Now, you see? This is another reason why you have to express your anger. OTHERWISE - I have to do it! *Someone* has to. (Call it a Design Fault.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I'll calm myself down again before I read and answer your next. Haha... prolly best. (That's my word, Prolly. Anyone touches it and I'll punch em in the face- HAHAHA...only joshing, poking fun at my own suddenly over-aggressive - or over-energetic? - mood tonight, no worries.) Yup, I'm going to 'run it off' by having a bop to the latest GenZ and Millies hits. I love their dance music, don't you? I love, wotsitsface - Roses...by thingumyjigs. This one... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zToEPpFEN8 "Saint jHN", that's it. Reminds me of the London tube-train advert back in the eighties that went, "If y cn rd ths mssg y cd bcm a scrtry n gt a gd jb". :D

I feel like my life is falling apart

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(Haven't a CLUE what they're singing about, though. 'Nigga Rose' - whaat? I just love the beat. Prolly should oogle it.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Roses I walked in the corner with the body screaming dolo Never sold a bag but look like Pablo in a photo This gon' make 'em feel the way like Tony killed Manolo You already know though, you already know though I walk in the corner with the money on my finger She might get it popping, I might wife her for the winter I already know, already know, nigga roses All I need is roses Turn up baby, turn up, when I turn it on You know how I get too lit when I turn it on Can't handle my behavior when I turn it on Too fast, never ask, if the life don't last, done been through it all Fuck with a nigga raw, this who you wanna be And I know you won't tell nobody nothing And I know you won't tell nobody no Roses I might pull up flexing on these niggas like aerobics I might tell her girl you cute but balling, that shit gorgeous Standing on the table, Rosé, Rosé, fuck the waters You know who the god is Turn up baby, turn up, when I turn it on You know how I get too lit when I turn it on Can't handle my behavior when I turn it on Too fast, never ask, if the life don't last, done been through it all Fuck with a nigga raw, this who you Roses I walked in the corner with the body screaming dolo Never sold a bag but look like Pablo in a photo This gon' make 'em feel the way like Tony killed Manolo You already know though, you already know though I walk in the corner with the money on my finger She might get it popping, I might wife her for the winter I already know, already know, nigga roses All I need is roses Turn up baby, turn up, when I turn it on You know how I get too lit when I turn it on Can't handle my behavior when I turn it on Too fast, never ask, if the life don't last, done been through it all Fuck with a nigga raw, this who you wanna be And I know you won't tell nobody nothing And I know you won't tell nobody no Roses I might pull up flexing on these niggas like aerobics I might tell her girl you cute but balling, that shit gorgeous Standing on the table, Rosé, Rosé, fuck the waters You know who to the god is Turn up baby, turn up, when I turn it on You know how I get too lit when I turn it on Can't handle my behavior when I turn it on Too fast, never ask, if the life don't last, done been through it all Fuck with a nigga raw, this who you wanna ____________________________________________________________________ Yeeeaaaah....that doesn't really help much, does it. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ INTERPRETOR!......IS THERE GEN Z INTERPRETOR IN THE HOUSE? I really OUGHT know what I'm dancing to. Could be a secret, dark arts or devil-worshipping message for all I know!? And there's me, bopping away to it every Sat night, going, Yeah monnn.... HAHA! PS, just spotted a (paused) youtube ad buyline that read: Never starve yourself. I thought - crikey, thanks for that....woah, that could have been close! :p Reminds me of that list of ingredients (true story) on the bag of peanuts that read: May contain nuts. (Which - the produce or producers?)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello again. I know it's been a bit. I have been struggling with my feelings and intentions. Things were put to rest with Travis last night. I asked him directly if he had any plan for a future with me and he said no. I told him to begin relying on those people he does want a future with and to understand that I can't continue to put myself through all of this anymore. He has not responded to the message I sent after the phone call. I guess I knew he wouldn't. I don't hate him and I hope he is able to make it through the couple years he has left in prison and whatever hoops he will have to jump through after he is released. I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around the betrayal and the wasted time and effort. It will take me a very long time to adjust to the idea of a future without everything good he brought to my world. Thank you for all of your support through this process.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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No, it's alright, I was just trying to cheer you up a bit - never any hurry with me (otherwise I'd say so). Tsk. Poor you... It's not fair, is it. But it really does happen to the nicest people. You didn't do anything wrong - nor could have...not to deserve what he's been putting you through and for too long. And it's so shocking when you're convinced you know them and then - something happens and it's - Who are you and what have you done with MY Travis?! Do you appreciate why everyone says they're BLOODY GOOD actors? You *are* drugged-up all that time, however, so that 'helps'. ...just the fact they're full-time actors (so they've got privileged access to your 'threatre') is mind-bending enough. I don't think it will take as long as you dread, though. You've been grieving from inside the relationship for a whole year. And now you've got a fellow victim (fellow Empath) living with you, whom already was your friend. You two are going to lean on each other and bond very deeply. And, once you're both back to normal, have a ball! Two single lay-deeeez... with anti-creep radar detection capabilities. I mean - I presume everything's still going great that way? ___________________________________________ HOWEVER. Now for the bad news-good news... ******************************************* THIS NON-RESPONSE OF HIS IS A CLASSIC OF A "HOOVER" ATTEMPT: Failing to answer your 'closure' text is another old Chestnut. It's aimed to be a win-win FOR HIM...a hedging of bets (nutjob variety)...worth a try (it works a lot). In Normal-Healthy World it's not a win-win, it's Lose (Him) - Win (You). Because, they're basically trying to offer you - she who is 'the fish that's just got away' (how very dare it!) - an INTRIGUING worm, in the form of this 'mystery': 'Why hasn't he answered?...Is is becauuse he's secretly devastated?...Or doesn't give enough of a sh*t ergo never did?...Taking time to think what to respond with? - what?? I NEED TO KNOW!'. Your mind itches and you badly want it scratched. So eff him and allow me: His trouble is: the extra-ultra-tempting worm is *Supaglued* to his hook, covered in the stuff as well as laced with sedative. His hope is that you'll BITE and become *glued* there, all over again (re-lured, re-caught, kept long-term dangling on the end of that line without oxygen)...unable to wriggle yourself free again. And (Loony version of Win), IN CASE YOU 'SNIFF' but FAIL to bite) - he's covered the extra-tasty worm in EXCREMENT in order to say, 'Up yours and take that!'. Yes, he wants to enslave you - demote you into his Harem now - but he still has his ever-puny, red-raw over-EGO-pride to protect. This is why hoovering phonecalls go like this: "Please come back, I miss you soo much, I looove yoooou" "No, you don't. No-one who loved someone could do everything you've done" "F*CK YOU, YOU STUPID, DUMB, WH*RE B*TCH..." (etc.) "Sorry - you just said you miss and love me but now you have nothing but contempt for me, all because I've made a decision you don't LIKE and can't get your way as usual?" That's when it's verbal. In other words: fail to 'play' and you get core-insulted as well as manipulated; play and you're worse off than ever (because you KNOW you're demoted but can't escape the self-humiliation and loss of self-respect and leave; plus he needs to punish that confidence to leave OUT of you).: 'Win'-'Win'. Now remember "Opposites Day" and you can see from a healthy person's POV, it's actually LOSE-LOSE and Win only to YOU. It's like Rod Stewart, singing, "If ya think I'm sexy" and wiggling his bum at you while copiously sh*tting his pants. (NOT sexy, nyo.) You'd have to have a serious chunk of ego missing AND had a pre-existing deficit to want to try get it back via HIM; you'd have to be desperate (or still "under-the-influence" - or both). I'd take the insult ANY day! DON'T BITE. And yes, he DOES give a shite. He's got a Harem to build! You and other people spent 8-plus years feeding that little monster until he grew to be a BIG one. And now, 'he's so clever' he DESERVES a Harem, like all the OTHER n-spaths. _____________________________________ Next bit: Who said you had to hate Travis in order to be utterly furious at him (and life for letting it happen - and-and-and-....) ?? Nice try, missus, but not nice enough. If you don't face your issues you'll run out of tissues (- me). or The only thing that doesn't decompose when you bury it, is pain (- dunno...should google really). Relationship break-up with a normal-healthy (empath): red-hot anger not good (nor necessary) Narc fauxlationship 'break-up': red-hot anger good (and necessary). Google and you'll see that in LaLa Land, the best thing to do is ignore his ignoring. He'll be waiting patiently for you to crack and have to phone and ask (which hopefully I've just removed from the equation for you). If you don't - he will. It's how it goes. It's during the Devalue into Discard and what follows, that you see just how (unbeknowst - and unknowably to you!) downright whacko AND nasty-nasty they truly are. *************************************************************************************************************************************** So don't say adieu just yet - or keep this thread alive by saying a quick hi or, if you've nothing you need to say/discuss, by just posting this: "Bumping-up with Soulmate's written permission." That way - as soon as he starts up, if you're too destabilized to think, I can walk you through it. PS: " I told him to begin relying on those people he does want a future with and to understand that I can't continue to put myself through all of this anymore. " I love that. That is so damned classy and such a diplomatic way of saying - Try another sucker, you weirdo. (Including - I'm not a sucker, anyway, I'm just NORMAL (but extra shiny). YOU'RE the sucker. And proven, Abnormal.) Round Of Applause!!! You should be in the Diplomatic Corps, missus. It always impacts deeper when you're polite and subtle anyway. Then they know you're NOT just speaking out of anger and upset - you actually mean it. HENCE he's immediately tried to 'tighten the thumb-screws'.... oooh, he's probably secretly seething right now, as he waits (while busying himself with Ann Other)... Anyway: You have my full empathy, sympathy - all of it. I've been where you are. Prison wasn't involved, but still. My 'well-bred gentleman' clearly, just didn't ever get caught. Below-avg intelligenced monster - above-avg intelligenced monster.... neither is worse, they're just as bad as each other but in a slightly different way. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Now go chuck all his stuff out or sell it on Ebay. You ain't his free-of-charge Storage place, either. ...which reminds me: HAVE you searched the house? I'm not being melodramatic, mate - money or just evidence, you find LOADS. It's VERY interestink. And very validating.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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SORRY, I've just got to do this - I want everyone to see it: ************************************************************************************************ "I told him to begin relying on those people he does want a future with and to understand that I can't continue to put myself through all of this anymore." ************************************************************************************************ That's how I go, as well, when I realise I'm with a potentially environmentally-dangerous one but I'm deadly-deadly serious and DONE. All regal. They try to say it sounds patronising and rude. Yeah, the act is, yeah. How do YOU like them apples when thrown at YOU, Covertypoos? Not for trolls, though (have you seen the latest, ending on "RACHD"'s thread...being rude to Manalone (again)? I spotted a 'duplication' via different aliases...Guess who? YUP. DoggieDilemma. I think he/she's in-love with me, LOL. This has happened before, don't you worry (it's my fatal charms LOL). But seriously, I'm obviously keeping her awake at night and grinding down her teeth/fangs. Obsessed with Winning at futile games, anyone? Haha, IN HER DREAMS. Probably those, too, yeah. PMSL. But that - up there....that's definitely topped anything I've ever fashioned! It's soooooo gentle (on first reading)....slow-burning/sinking.... Kuuuu-dos!!! (Gold Star "thlup" x 100). If they're death by a thousand cuts, you just killed one with a single stroke of PURE SILK 'stroked' over his face and head. That's the only way I can think of putting it into words right now, anyway.... :)))))) But back to biz, still ongoing: Would you like me to explain what happened? It's one of those things I call, a non-obvious Bleedin' Obvious. Too easy to miss, what with all the mess they shove in your bonce, whizzing around, trying to find a hole to fit into (nope). I'm surprised you remembered to put on your knickers, let alone managed to come out with a beaut of a Dear John like that. He can't even DARVO you! I understand if you don't, but if you and housemate ever fancy logging-on and being a respondent duo - or you yourself, solo - PLEASE DO. Anybody who can be that ladylike and say SO MUCH in one short paragraph is DEFINITELY the sorts of respondents we love. Particularly as you then pose as Good Cop to my Bad Cop, LOL. You're like a female Manalone, but without the Aussie "a spide izzah spide" bit ("bet"). Although you're very welcome to put that in and go, yeah-yeah-yeah heard it all before (because we actually have!). Mannie manages both, combined. So - any time, Your Madje. (Ignoring the occasional bloody-sucker - ) you'll find a lot of Blue or self-made Blue Blood in here. In fact, that should be your new alias, no more (shi)thea(d) for you. ;)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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You say such lovely and uplifting things. I read much of what you said to my roommate and she laughed and agreed. I am positive I will need your wisdom and support in the, probably very near, future. Finding you was such a random occurrence. I have never done any sort of internet chat or group anything. I have no social media and I was just so very lost and lonely when I reached out to this place. You have been a friend in a way that I never understood was possible. I don't know that I am ready to start giving advice or guidance to anybody else, I may be too close to the pain I am dealing with. I will keep in touch. Your voice is carried with me. Don't take this as goodbye. You're not getting rid of me that easily. I still have all kinds of crap for you to help me sort through!!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I have just another piece of news. The restaurant my roommate and I work at closed Wednesday bc the roof collapsed. They are giving us 2 weeks of pay while they figure out how long it will be before they can reopen. I have been saving money and she has as well. It is a huge place and they will probably be able to open the half that wasn't affected before the other side is ready to go. I received the message Wednesday morning, just a few hours after the communication with Travis. I really need the universe to stop dumping this on me! Can someone please contact the powers that be and let them know I have had as much as I can handle for a bit?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"You say such lovely and uplifting things." No - YOU do, hahaha (blush-blush). "I read much of what you said to my roommate and she laughed and agreed." If anything I'd said wasn't just plain telling it like it is, it wouldn't have had that uplifting effect - and your lovely housemate laughed out of, likewise, recognition followed by RELIEF (5p each, peas/fanks) So - nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. NEITHER of you are the crazy ones. Relax. "I am positive I will need your wisdom and support in the, probably very near, future." Well worked-out!... "Finding you was such a random occurrence." Fate. If you find yourself saying - What were the chances!?! - or - Imagine if I hadn't X - Fate. It seems to love me - and I love it. "I have never done any sort of internet chat or group anything." LLLIKE-a vir-giinnnn....touched for-the very-first-taaaiam...lllike a vir-ir-irir-...giiinn..... How was it for you, darlin'? (wink-tooth-click-click) HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry - blame "AnonymousUser" - he's had me rolling around the floor in hysterics since I met him! I'm stuck-fast in comedy mode, hahahaha! "I have no social media and I was just so very lost and lonely when I reached out to this place." Aww. I know. (Okay - that worked, haha...a bit.) I'll say it again: You're VERY affecting, emotionally, via words. Ever tried poetry? You could DEFINITELY be a best-selling writer - I'm telling you! And this would make a CRACKING book for other victims and survivors! Or write on together - and point out all the parallels with her ex-beep and Travesty! (Sneaked-in a new, piss-taking-disempowering name for him for you/us to use - it'll speed you up majorly.) "You have been a friend in a way that I never understood was possible." Aw, don't - you'll make me tear up-bum too late. It's called, a Constant (but in this instance - with a 'walking Encyclopedia'). But, yeah...if I lived down the road from you (and hmatey) I would DEFINITELY want to hang out! But not if I were still Mod...not a good idea, nooooo... But if you click, it's also pen-pal-ing, just electronically, I guess? But - sincerely - thank-you back. :)....aww, go on, then (as it's yer re-birthday) - :X "I don't know that I am ready to start giving advice or guidance to anybody else, I may be too close to the pain I am dealing with." Well - *you* could achieve it. But I actually meant, after you'd finished using permanent marker to draw his cartoon face onto one of your least fave cushions - or buying a cheapie especially - and then punching his stupid faccce! Okay, punching isn't your style, but slaps like Elizabeth I are. And do it like this: "How! (slap) COULD! (slap) you! (slap)...After! (slap) E-verything! (slap)...." and so on and so forth/sore. And sleep LOADS. At night or (this next fortnight) any time you feel upset/exhausted. "I will keep in touch." Don't meant this patronisingly (or is it 'condescendingly'?), but - Good girl. Clever, sensible...I don't have to be worried about you AT all. Nor housematey. "Your voice is carried with me." Ahh... HAHA - Does it sound like Bugs Bunny? ("Nyyyyyeah....Twavvy Duck don't nnknow me too wew, do he" - and - "Dish meanjsh WAW!") "Don't take this as goodbye." Okie-dokes! Seulement 'Au Revoir'. "You're not getting rid of me that easily." HAH - THAT'S MY LINE! LOL "I still have all kinds of crap for you to help me sort through!!" It's my job and my privilege, Madame(s). But ABOUT your P.O.W. (place of work/prison of war, delete as applicable, haha)... NAY. And a nay-NONNY-nay (- Morris Dancer talk). Fate likes ya. It's made you have to take TWO WHOLE NON-STOP WEEKS OFF, WOO-HOO, so that you can grieve in BER-LUDDY PEACE! And nap galooooore! And HAVE FUN!!! All expenses-paid! LOOK AT THE TIMING! And there's more!.... It's an opportunity. To offer yourself to other establishments as a Temp - sorry - plural - yourselves as emergency Temps (one standing-in at restaurant X on Tuesday, Rstr Y on a Wednesdee. (Obvs for cash....and we're in a Black Market so they probably will!) And as Temp Agencies charge almost the same fee as YOU get, on top - you can charge (a sensible amount) higher than you're normally paid per hour yet STILL be a heck of a lot cheaper than dem Agencies (which these days (opera voice:) no-one can aff-ooooooord). ...If both/either of you could handle that (probably not, but the option is there...or to set it up, ready for in-case your place doesn't re-open soon enough or at all?). Or....just enjoy pleasing yourselves. Any of those are Luxury Wins. Oh yeah. Fate's got your back alright (and I have TOO MUCH proof it exists because it's been my LONGEST-running study subject, so 'mleugh' hahaha). HOWEVER. As I know Fatey-Matesy so intimately: It might also be a PROTECTIVE opportunity, also, to make sure you and/or she are constantly AT HOME in case somebodyyyyyyyy gets a mate to break in and get X BACK (because it looks like you are en route to, or already at the place where you won't be letting him in - not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chins (and I'm now guesssing housemate knows his entire circle as well, even his peripheral, slightly scummy friends?). What it DEFINITELY is, is Fate having made room for you TO GRIEVE/process, uninterrupted. (It's given you a bloody BUMPER PACK of 'breaks' there - jeez...favouritism...) AND you've got your bessie mate/co-victim on holiday at the same time as you! Sheesh... Yeah...really terrible sh*t dumped on you there, hahaahahahahahaaa! Don't worry...only teasing...I know your cylinders are VERY busy, too busy for relative minutae like this (But WHY?), compared to Travesty (and all who sails in him). I've got to get a wriggle on now, but, if you can respond to this one - and then I'll leave you in peace unless you post. If something occurs to me and I don't want to forget it, I'll jot them down here just so's you can benefit from them. And I might post jokes as well. I'm in a REEALLY good mood lately! Have a guess why - go on...go on....."Ahhhh - goooowaaaan". Give you a clue: exposed-"squish"-out-of-action-targets-safe/secure. Yup. They're everywhere. They ARE now - every people's problem. (Always were, mostly...but now we know.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Just one extra Q: What made the roof collapse - do you know? I'm presuming neither of you gals were on-duty at the time? Were you supposed to be? Or not supposed to be so weren't there? Or not supposed to be but were there?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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...sorry - should explain. I mean the pair of you together. I don't want to alarm you, I just want to eliminate Travesty (and any new contacts-with-outside-contacts) from the enquiry to make sure it was All Favour. It still doesn't change that Fate's got your back - because neither of you WERE in the restaurant at the time (so you're GOING to be fine or even better than fine). It's just good to check, to know, was the incredibly close timing, especially the roof collapse happening hours AFTER, when as purely a favour from Fate it could have happened just BEFORE (see the diff?). So I just need to check before you start your holiday, pretty-please. (The conclusion would then be, Fate engineered it so that you wouldn't be there). Because, sorry, but you ALSO have to take into account that - potentially, from Travesty's point of view - this is what happened... Housematey moved in with you and next thing he knows, you're dumping him. He isn't equipped to blame himself and his disgustingly warped and sleazy attitudes/behaviour (just ONE admission or trapping into acknowledgement of blame/guilt can send them into a nervous breakdown, like a House of Cards - at his level - *seriously*). If it EVEN COULD be him behind it, then, I've got to shift up a gear and your holiday is going to have to feature your continuing to post on here during it. But I would definitely time-plan/structure it. And work within the confines of your understandable exhaustion...prattle less, all of that - just bare minimum facts/explanations. This is the worst part about this. You're in emotional hospital and just want to have a break and get a break, but, NO. It doesn't work like that, like an actual relationship break-up. There's usually more defending/dodging/battling to do. However, if in your lifetime you've never had to stiff upper lip it under not just broken-heartedness, but outright anguish and, at times, despair, then - this is good cos, you'll then have that incredible skill.......aaand can go and apply for a job with the SAS! Haha. Not, but seriously - this University of Life Masters Degree is a GOOD thing. As long as we keep you safe and one step ahead. Mine organised a break-in. I'm just CAREFUL, don't take ANYTHING for-granted. Let's just check your hotel room, so to speak, and then you can relax and enjoy your holiday whether I'm right or not, because I'll list you loads of coping and clever but original (things they'd never conceive of) safety tips. Furthermore, then *I* can relax and know you're safe.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Sorry about the late reply. The roof collapsed bc of heavy rain. It wasn't in the best shape to begin with, it's about a 100 year old building. It happened at around 3 in the morning and thankfully nobody was there. It has been a week and no sort of contact from Travis so I think that is behind me. The roommate thinks he will reach out when all of the money and food packages I have sent run out and she's probably right. I will deal with that when it happens. I'm not looking forward to it bc it will most likely be just as soon as I start to recover. Having the time off work is nice bc I don't really want to face people but I do wish I had a job to take my mind off of the pain. It just hurts so much. All the time. I don't even get away from it when I sleep. I have dreamed about him every night. I am safe. I will be alright bc I don't have any choice. Thank you for your concern. It is just going to take me some time to adjust and let go. I really do love him and I probably always will. I just can't keep letting him use me. I have let go of my dream of a lifetime with him and at my age that takes quite a bit of adjustment. I will keep in touch. Thank you again.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya, soz for the delay, it's been one of those weeks... - bear with... Be with you weekend latest!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"The roof collapsed bc of heavy rain. It wasn't in the best shape to begin with, it's about a 100 year old building. It happened at around 3 in the morning and thankfully nobody was there. " GOOD. Just needed to check - cheers! _____________________ " It has been a week and no sort of contact from Travis so I think that is behind me." A week of Silent Treatment is NOT a long enough time to believe he is behind you now. A week is piddly. Whether or not he Hoover-attempts at the end of the however-many weeks/months/half-a-year, all depends on whether and what grade of Replacement Primary Supply he's managed to engineer for himself. Whomever she is: there's a huge difference between 'standing by your man' when you've known him PRIOR to his getting banged-up, PRIOR to his putting any foot wrong (to your knowledge, that is), and finding a man attractive BECAUSE he's in prison and is "ooooh" exciting....more of a challenge to whichever women need a huge ego and self-esteem boost via one, simple (, lazy) action. Or they're mentally ill and/or 'insane' with neediness, themselves. · The roommate thinks he will reach out when all of the money and food packages I have sent run out and she's probably right." Not necessarily. Narc-Spaths want and need YOU to do the cracking and chasing. And just because you somehow know for a fact that he's had no actual visitors - that's not the same as penpals...girlfriends-in-waiting... or anyone he's hooked - even others inside with him! - sending /lending/loaning him stuff. "I will deal with that when it happens. I'm not looking forward to it bc it will most likely be just as soon as I start to recover." Yup. " Having the time off work is nice bc I don't really want to face people but I do wish I had a job to take my mind off of the pain." Nope. Without distraction, you'll get rid of an awful lots of pain waves from that total bucketful...which is a lot better than finding you can't do your job properly. "It just hurts so much. All the time." I know. So don't add to it by worrying about it. You wouldn't worry if you'd broken your leg and THAT hurts so much, all the time, would you. Tip: you can take Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. The mind pain registers the same, neurologically, as physical injury. How is your breathing? "I don't even get away from it when I sleep. I have dreamed about him every night." Oh, well that's really positive! It's your 'back room guys and gals' doing concentrated filing - and your staff is obviously very hard- and fast-working! One dream LESS. One grief-wave LESS...is how you have to think in order to adapt to the pain. Fighting the pain is what makes it really hard to bear. Just accept it and wade through it, and it'll be over before you know it. "I am safe. I will be alright bc I don't have any choice. " AND because recovering even from romantic fraud and betrayal, at this far-flung point in our evolution, is child's play to our pre- (inherited) well-practised mental skills package. The mental (and physiological? - rsvp) pain is the sensation of detoxing from the traumatic addiction PLUS the pain of a (for your mind) break-up. Double-whammy. In fact, it's anywhere up to TEN times worse. Using a scale of 1-10 - where is your pain dial seemingly set? "Thank you for your concern." Don't be daft. :) "It is just going to take me some time to adjust and let go." I know a lot of ways, holistically, to speed it up as well as self-medicate naturally if you're interested? How's hmate on the 1-10 scale? How long's it been for her, now? Was hers a Narc ergo she's expecting the bad penny to turn up sooner or later, as well? "I really do love him and I probably always will." Nooo. Trust me, you won't. You'll feel sorry for him, mixed with contempt here and there, but won't get that urge to do anything about it/help him, because by then you'll realise how futile it is to try. Unless you're a psychoanalytical therapist with about 10 years on your hands... Therapist: It seems you tend to fall in love too quickly. Narc: What, babe? "I just can't keep letting him use me." Definiteely not! You deserve a fully-working model! I mean, just because you're one of MANY women who aren't automatically maternal (because you're meant for other things), that is NOT the same as not being top shelf. So again - no picking beneath you. Elizabeth I not only didn't marry but didn't bear kids, either. AND LOOK AT HER! Britain was THEEEEEEEE most successful Empire under her reign! All because she went - sod men, sod kids, I'm going to change the world from my little corner, let's see what I can achieve! ...and so she did! "I have let go of my dream of a lifetime with him and at my age that takes quite a bit of adjustment." Yeah, I know! But you're quite a bit of woman so - nay worries. "I will keep in touch." Good stuff. Be kind to yourself, definitely spoil yourself rotten - especially with luxury foods/treats and anti-anxiety foods that work almost instantly, take walks through green woods or take up gardening (talk about old peoples' secret magic stuff!...HIGHLY healing...highly), and stare a lot at the colour Green a lot when you can't (like at work), cry your face off until IT has finished and peters out (followed by a nap to classical music).... And if you and hmate can afford some Yoga classes - do. Also - sounds strange, but it works: scary rollercoaster rides - or anything else where your inner animal thinks you two are going to die....it'll shrink Travesty instantly into proportion (no - REAL proportion so think smaller LOL). Also - Vitamin D....sunbathe a lot if you can. And more water than usual. And force yawns as well as hearty cough for instant relief if the pain in your diaphragm gets too much. AND DANCE! And cook - and be cooked for - for/by hmate. And stroke and cuddle with Sh*thead more (VERY therapeutic, are cats!). Think I listed these before...? _______________________________________________________________________ Meanwhile, let me leave you and hmatey with this. It should help a lot: _______________________________________________________________________ https://www.narcissisticsociopath.net/articles/not-a-normal-break-up "Why Your Suffering Feels Worse This Time" This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators. Break ups are hard. Every end is a kind of death. The sudden abandonment by a narcissistic sociopath (narcopath) is different from other break ups you’ve had before. Because it is a death of a thousand cuts. Not every victim will experience a psychic death - the death of the ego as a result of finding the foundations on which your life with him was built was a scam. But when you enter the divorce process and suffer the twisted truths, the omissions, the hiding of assets, the outright lies and character assassination that your ex is prepared to dish out to you to save his reputation and financial security, the thousand cuts come whether you like it or not. Firstly, please give yourself a break if you feel utterly traumatised this time. It’s not like you haven’t had a break up before is it? But this one is different. Very, very different. This is not a normal break up. For a start, the person you loved and trusted most in the world carefully plotted the cruellest and most hurtful way to abandon you. Catch you off-guard. Pull the rug out. Just when he had your total commitment to the relationship and possibly the moment he had sufficiently disempowered you psychologically and financially to take away any tools you might have had to defend yourself. To stand on your own two feet and recover the way you have in break ups in the past. If you’re one of the 30% or so of people who find themselves, sadly, traumatised by an all-pervasive life-crisis or life-threatening situation, then let yourself off the hook. Your confusion is common to all victims of sociopathic abuse (the idealise, devalue, discard cycle). Your shock and grief at a time of great loss are normal too. If they feel deeper and more pervasive than ever before, it is because of the enormous discrepancy between the mutual loving relationship you thought you had and the cool and callous disregard or simmering hatred of which you suddenly found yourself the subject. Be kind and gentle towards yourself. If anger and rage arise in you to an extent you never believed possible, know that this too is a normal response to profound betrayal. Cultivate patience. If you have lashed out at your abuser, or others, be patient with yourself. Instead of hating yourself for being this reactive angry kind of person, remind yourself that this is not ‘who you are’. This rage is not a permanent condition that defines you. It will pass. It may take longer to pass than you would like, so again, cultivate patience. You are not stuck with being an angry resentful bitter person for the rest of your life. There is a way out. Take heart. Cultivate patience for yourself first and your patience for others will grow. Work with the little things. The driver who cuts you off in traffic. Try calling a Government Bureaucracy. That’ll grow your patience. Wait a few minutes longer every day until you finally get through! If you’ve always maintained good relationships with your exes in the past, and are putting pressure on yourself to find the forgiveness and understanding to foster a friendship with your narcopath, let it go this time. The longer you stay in contact, the more you open the door to his continued manipulation. Make more space for forgiveness and understanding of your own ordeal. You were effectively brainwashed. You were deceived, manipulated, and conditioned to be smaller than you are. You are not to blame for your devaluation of yourself and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Your weakness and vulnerability. This is conditioning and this can be changed. You can get back on top of things. You can recover. You are still the beautiful person you were before you were mercilessly devalued and discarded by an immoral and ruthless charmer. That will become clear to you soon enough. Neuro-scientists can explain your extreme emotional and physical reactions to this break up if you prefer advice that comes from medical science … https://neuroinstincts.com/getting-over-the-breakup-lingering-pain-after-the-psychopathic-relationship/. Whether you were co-dependent or not, your normal human reward system has taken a severe blow. All the compromises and sacrifices you made over time on the basis of his VOWS to catch you when he urged you to jump have been thwarted. When you jumped and he wasn’t there to catch you. He didn’t leave as a result of your personal failings; he left because he is compelled to do so by his own habitual inhumane treatment of others on his path to self-gratification. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Your body is low on levels of serotonin along with many other physical responses to break ups or betrayal. There are simple effective free ways to increase your serotonin. Walk in nature. Lots of water water water. Loving relationships with your children and your pets. Sport. Sleep. Don’t punish yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you succumb to the cognitive dissonance you may not yet recognise in yourself - convince yourself he has made a mistake and beg him to come back - that too, is normal. It is a normal stage of grief (bargaining), and normal reaction to that feeling that a part of you is missing now he’s gone. Your oxytocin and vasopressin levels – part of your human bonding system - are shot to pieces. Let yourself off the hook. Wanting him back is an illusory response to our drive to restore equilibrium. This chaos is not ‘the new normal’. It is not permanent. Restoring the finely-tuned balance you managed whilst walking on the eggshells of living with an narcopath is definitely not the way to go! You will find balance again, and you can break the ties that bonded you to him. This time it is with NO CONTACT. You may feel anxious, hyper-aroused, constantly on red alert and other people might even be accusing you of being hysterical. (One of my male frenemies told me he’d like to ‘give me a good slap’) You may have lost the urge to eat and to sleep. Your startle response might be exaggerated and letters, emails, phone calls and other normal stimuli have become terrifying unwanted intrusions that fill you with fear and dread. Your stress systems – your fight, flight or freeze response – are in overdrive. It’s in your body. You aren’t losing your mind. You have been betrayed on a grand scale. It’s not a normal break up. Move away from blaming yourself for your own symptoms, and seek help to deal with them. Be with people who build you up not tear you down, if you can find them. Turn towards your stress symptoms with love compassion kindness gentleness. They are not here to stay, though if it’s PTSD, they might return for years to come. Try to accept it. You can’t bury-ignore-be stoic about it. Fear demands our immediate attention. And underlying that fear are a huge number of beliefs (attachments), dislikes (aversions), myths and unknowns (ignorance) that we can feel compelled to use as fuel for the fire of fear. It is fear itself that is your enemy now. The antidote to fear is courage. Cultivate courage. Have faith in your deep strength. Start feeding your courage not your fear. Neuroscience is also starting to recognise the link between psychological and physical pain. ‘Alternative’ medicine has known about this for centuries, based purely on empirical evidence. You might be experiencing all sorts of aches and pains and illnesses now that your pain systems are also under duress. You might have had unexplained physical difficulties for some time during the devaluation phase. Go easy on yourself. Smile at your pain, whether you believe it is psychosomatic or not. And attend to your body with all the loving kindness you would show your child or your best friend. Nurture yourself with warming foods, warm baths, sweet aromas, soothing music, gentle words. Take your suffering body-mind in your own loving embrace and heal it, encourage it, reassure it, just as you would a child. And if you haven’t tried holistic forms of medicine before, perhaps now is the time to seek them out? Beware of shonks promising spiritual healing, or New-Age gurus promising a whole new you if you fork out a small fortune for a workshop on positive thinking. The ‘proof’ that these routes work is highly questionable, though the frequent use of affirmations will temporarily help to build you up. Traditional Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, Chi Gung and other healing modalities have been around for thousands of years, recognizing the mind-body-emotion connection. Buddhist meditation is now accessible to Westerners and has specific practices for addressing sickness, despair, dying and death. http://insightmeditationaustralia.org You may have difficulty with your emotional regulation system. You might be trying every trick in the book to calm down, stop losing your rag and telling people to f*ck off - to help yourself out of this emotional nightmare. And failing. Let yourself off the hook. Your distress is a commonly reported response to the discard/destroy phase of a break up with a narcissist or sociopath. Again, this desperate reactive person is not who you are. Don’t beat yourself up for having difficulty keeping it all together. In fact, if you can let yourself fall apart, your recovery will come a little bit quicker than if you push it all down and bury yourself in work or addictions or entertainment or distraction. Sounds nuts, I know. Counter-intuitive. The very suggestion might make you angry!"..... ......"You might also find, to add insult to injury (and by now you are starting to realise just how deep your injury goes), that your cognitive systems are also up the spout. You are having trouble remembering things, concentrating when people speak to you, paying attention when receiving important information, getting your brain to function the way it always has. This too, is a normal part of the suffering of break ups. And if you’ve experienced this break up or the relationship as abusive or traumatic, it could be even worse. If the trauma triggered earlier experiences of abuse, you might even be staring down the barrel of Complex PTSD. In which case, patience with your own impaired cognitive function will be needed. You might be stuck with it for a while, like any of the human system upsets already described in this article or the links provided."..... ....."But you can cope with your fuzzy brain. Adjust your habits. Write things down. Keep lists. Express yourself in emails that you send only to yourself, let some time expire, then re-read and edit them. No rush. The rush is just another illusion our lawyers, manipulators and our own minds trick us into feeling. Take your time with everything. Everything. Walk slower. Eat slower. Rest more. Let yourself off the hook again. Forgive yourself for having the symptoms you now have. Forgive others for not understanding that this time, it’s different. The people who don’t get that you’re suffering covert abusive behaviour from your ex will never see it. Let those folks with small closed minds go. Focus on your own healing, your own recovery. Turn your gaze inwards and let it rest with compassion on the suffering of a lifetime. Suffering is a normal human experience, so don’t beat yourself up about it. There is a path out of suffering. Time will heal your wounds. Have patience. Have faith. Have courage. One day you will look back on this nightmare and smile. It just could be the best thing that ever happened to you." "

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I enjoyed the literature you sent me and I shared it with my roommate. I am flattered by the comparison to Elizabeth I. She has always held a fascination for me and an odd special place in my mind. I have long believed that Elizabeth II had a mystical tie to the strength of her name sake. I don't feel the need to put any type of label on Travis, ie narcissistic. He is what he is and will have to live with that until he figures out how to make his life better. Maybe he never will. Maybe the way he was raised and the people he has chosen to keep in his life will continue to allow him to be a user and he will move from relationship to relationships, only moving on when the reward is less than the investment. I miss talking to him. It has been 2 weeks and he hasn't made any contact. The pain still feels very fresh. I have resisted the urge to send him a message or a letter. I know that will only drag it out. I'm sorry I am rambling on and going over the same stuff but I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I know one of the stages of grief is anger and maybe when I reach that I will begin to move on. All I have now is pain, loneliness, regret and a general hollow feeling. I have discovered so much more that he was hiding from me for so very long before he actually left. I just hurt.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya! Be with you tomorrow or Sunday latest - bear with!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Couldn't post - rain, cloud and wind stopped internet. Defo tomorrow (evrything's bigger and more dramatic here than in Y.U.K.) - I'm taking a day off (woohoo!).

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Don't worry about repeating yourself. You're not. Awareness Level 2 is now taking it's turn at reading and accepting the Memo it's received from Level 1 (Conscious You). Then comes Level 3....all the way to (I've worked out) Level 15. Two down, 13 to go. I'm ready for ya! LOL No cheating and doing a Jack Nicholson, though - "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" typed repeatedly in one go. That's cheating, LOL. Anyway, I can't talk! Anyway, I can't talk! Ha ha.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Any chance housemate can drag you to your nearest theme-park with rollercoaster and other white-knuckle rides? You might be surprised at the miraculous transformation afterwards (once you've stopped shaking and gibbering, haha). Plus, it's a huge injection of fun. Remember fun? Probably not. (((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))) PS: stay off White wine, stick to decent Reds.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I started a new job today. Actually just got home. I have no idea when the other place will be able to reopen and they haven't given us but a few hundred dollars, even though they said they were going to take care of us. It's been 3 weeks. Travis actually called tonight. I was working so I didn't have make the decision as to whether to answer. He sent a message when I didn't answer. Started it off by calling me "love ". What does he think? How can he think he has the right to speak to me as if he hasn't betrayed me in every possible way? I have found bank accounts he hid. Sex toys he orderd and had delivered to Amazon drop sites so the wouldn't come to our home. Even more credit cards I didn't know about. A cable account, in my name, that he had the equipment delivered to a drop box. Porn accounts that he was paying 50 plus a month for when I was working just to keep us housed and fed bc he had broken his foot and was out of work for 12 weeks. I don't know who I was living with for the last, at least, 3 years before he even went to prison. No amount of wine or roller coasters or anything thing else is going to make it better for a very long time.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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YOu did WHAAAAAAT???? Wowzers, that was bloody quick? And on a 'broken leg'?! Blimey - I thought *I* was the most proactive person I know! "they haven't given us but a few hundred dollars, even though they said they were going to take care of us. It's been 3 weeks. " True colours under pressure, huh. Barstools. But you obviously got snapped-up, eh! (Toldja, heh heh) "Travis actually called tonight." Oh, great, NOT. But, then, we were waiting for it... " I was working so I didn't have make the decision as to whether to answer. " Oh, PHEW! PHEW-PHEW-PHEW! (Say a big thank-you to Fate with me.) (Not reading ahead again...don't know why...yet..) "He sent a message when I didn't answer. Started it off by calling me "love ". (OH P*SS *OFF*) If how he's treated you is how he treats someone he loves - imagine being his enemy/competition! ...Oh, wait - that's precisely what you are, always were. Important question (unless you've covered it below): Did reading that opening irritate you, like it's just done, me? "What does he think? How can he think he has the right to speak to me as if he hasn't betrayed me in every possible way?" (Am laughing because it's like a real-time convo where you've instantly answered my question!) WELL DONE FOR THE CORRECT ATTITUDE! He's really showing just how much he's always under-estimated you (and the existence of Fate) now, isn't he. (Yuuuchk!) "I have found bank accounts he hid." There we go! " Sex toys he orderd and had delivered to Amazon drop sites so the wouldn't come to our home." THERE we go! What about the crates of booze, as in, Wine and Netflix at this abandoned-and-pregnant or single-and-struggling young mother's place? Remember, looks/bodily tautness has nothing to do with anything, for them. With an nspath, first and foremost and above ALL else - YOU'RE THEIR JOB. They trade you in for a younger model for one reason alone: they need experientially ignorant and naiive victims, preferably isolated already (one major job done FOR them), especially once they age and start running out of the energy to keep acting (bar when asleep) to OSCAR-winning standard...easier/faster to dupe and get enmeshed (all properly ready and in-place for his release!)... As Olivia Rodrigo sings in "Vampire": "because girls your age know better". S*d-it - no time like the present.... (strumming your pain or what...and not even all of your pain because, 'hers' was only 6mths (albeit, enough to put a dampener on her career): "Hate to give the satisfaction, asking how you're doing now How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? Just what you wanted Look at you, cool guy, you got it I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise I loved you truly Gotta laugh at the stupidity 'Cause I've made some real big mistakes But you make the worst one look fine I should've known it was strange You only come out at night I used to think I was smart But you made me look so naive The way you sold me for parts As you sunk your teeth into me, oh Bloodsucker, famef*cker Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire And every girl I ever talked to told me you were bad, bad news You called them crazy, God, I hate the way I called them crazy too You're so convincing How do you lie without flinching? (How do you lie, how do you lie, how do you lie?) Ooh, what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, f*cked-up little thrill Can't figure out just how you do it, and God knows I never will Went for me, and not her 'Cause girls your age know better I've made some real big mistakes But you make the worst one look fine I should've known it was strange You only come out at night I used to think I was smart But you've made me look so naive The way you sold me for parts As you sunk your teeth into me, Bloodsucker, famef*cker Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart I tried you help you out, now I know that I can't 'Cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand I've made some real big mistakes But you make the worst one look fine I should've known it was strange You only come out at night I used to think I was smart But you made me look so naive The way you sold me for parts As you sunk your teeth into me, oh Bloodsucker, famefu*ker Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire" ________________________ Which, I see, leads nicely into your next point... " Even more credit cards I didn't know about." Figures. "A cable account, in my name, that he had the equipment delivered to a drop box." WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAH! What this means is, he'd already started juuuust shuffling his foot over that outright-defrauding you line - already!!!!...practice runs... Christ! He was going to get you funding his fake future with this Ann Other, whomever she is! Oh, clearly Travis doesn't, but - Fate DEFINITELY loves you! It banged him up for you before the 'guy' did you serious, nspath damage!!! What brilliant timing. (Do you feel suddenly humbled and spiritually privileged/protected, Thea?) Note double brackets: "Porn accounts that he was paying 50 plus a month ((600 per year)) for when I was working ((YOU were working...Yeah...Mummy to this delinquent, 'world-owed', female-owed, serously psychologically impaired/corrupted GRIFTER)) just to keep us housed and fed bc he had broken his foot and was out of work for 12 weeks." Awwwww....how did baby bweak his footie-wootie? Mine broke his wrist. By punching a hole in the wall. They'll do ANYTHING to do nothing, n-spaths will. ANYTHING. Ego wins. Their ego eventually proves the death of them. Quite often, literally. Petty Domestic Conman Criminal One step up from tramp/hobo. HA! How UNWORTHY of you he in reality is! Note you don't know the delivery address and nor does the seller/courier? Poor woman, whoever she is. Because she won't be half as intelligent and savvy as you, that's for damn sure. You were too much for him. His ego convinved him you weren't. But (of course) you were/are. Especially as during that 8 years, you continued growing-up, improving! "I don't know who I was living with for the last, at least, 3 years before he even went to prison." GIANT GOLD STAR - THLUP! You were living with A BIT OF the real person underneath the long-con character-act (HIS DAY-JOB). "No amount of wine or roller coasters or anything thing else is going to make it better for a very long time." (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Trust me, though - roller coasters will. You don't have to try yet, but, once you feel you can force yourself, please trust me. I did the practical on this one, very early on (mid-teens). Pushed a post-traumatised friend off a steep toboggan-run. It was perfectly safe, they were sat ready on the big horse-hay bag, holding onto each corner, etc.,... but they obviously and understandably didn't have their usual nerve. So I just reached out my leg and went - shove! ...gently but firmly with my foot on their back...and then quickly thought - Oops, are they going to come back up and punch me in the face? Nope. Punishment was far worse, hahaha. They wanted to go again and again and again and again....until sodding 7pm at night in the coldest temperatures of the decade! It was fun between 3pm and 5, but after that, the frostbite kind of spoilt it. But the transformation in them was too magical. Laughing and squealing (it was a kind of Reddish run, heh) and going - JUST ONE MORE!...repeatedly. Three days later they went up to Londond and landed their first job! A positive (even fake but realistic to your inner animal -) trauma overlays and puts paid to a huuuge chunk of the negative trauma. I just know it'll work on you. You're a bit scared of those things in the first place, aren't you. Do try? As soon as you're able? It's that or I pray for Snow over in your neck of the woods. Anyway. It's literally incredible, isn't it.... 'Whoooo the eff are YOU and how the HELL did you stay hidden (if not always, but certainly *overly*) from me - ME!..... me? Whaaaaaat-uh?!...ME????? OMG, I was an emotionally abused 'spouse'! Is this was being an abused wife(/husband) is like?! Oh my god....' And the fact he started with an outright a*se-lick.....you must REALLY want to punch his cushion-face now, yeah?! You WILL get your head around it but, with an NSpath/Narcospath, it's similar to watching a dementia patient that you love, die, not just the once, but twice...three times....four.....until their body-brain eventually gives up too. I'm here. Talk to me if you can/want. No obligation. This is your journey, you still set the pace. What a waste of a young boy/future adult, eh? Any idiot(s), even evil uggers, are allowed to sprog. Bet he loves it in there. Seriously.

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PS: Just need to check something again... ""Travis actually called tonight." Oh, great, NOT. But, then, we were waiting for it... " I was working so I didn't have make the decision as to whether to answer. "" If the roof hadn't caved - wouldn't you normally have been working last night at your old place??

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" What does he think? How can he think he has the right to speak to me as if he hasn't betrayed me in every possible way?" Answers: He thinks he's that irresistible to you that you WILL sacrifice and suffer everything to be his Nothing. He thinks you're still under the influence. His brain can't do Change in that way. He doesn't realise your love was NOT parent-child Unconditional (COS HE'S *NOT* YOUR BLOODY DELINQUENT TEENAGED TODDLER/YOU AREN'T *ACTUALLY* HIS MOTHER!) (So get rid of THAT vein of Guilt, Thea.) Plus they're Narcs as well as Spaths. So they're delusional. REALLY...REALLY...delusional. He thinks you CHOSE to believe and believe in him. They don't all realise they have that hypnotic/drugging effect. Ergo, since 'YOU can't have changed/woken up, either (ref. 'Bagpuss')', you're still manipulable/re-triggerable.....starting with, "Hi, Love". Yeah, it triggered me alright ("Bleeugh-HEEEUUUGH!"....*flush*). PS: Porn and (nasty, gratuitously gory) Horror films (ones particularly offensive to women and 'feminine' (just sensitive n empathic ffs) men). Overly sexed and angry. NNNNot a good mixture. You wouldm't MIND if you'd free-will CHOSEN a 'bit (lot) of rough', would you! At least, not so much! ______________________ When you're up to it: What's the new job like? Is housemate working there too?

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PS: What's Housematey said/saying about his whole Hoover-attempt-come-prodder-poker-insulter?

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Meme: 'Nobody falls in love faster than a Narcissist ((Narcopath)) who needs somewhere to live'. Vampire AND Parasite...eventually, Zombie.

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Christ, Thea, you really got to dodge a giant bullet there. You'd have suddenly woken up one day to find the bailiffs battering at your door. ....Sheeeeeeyyyyyyyyy-at. The day and timing of his call is suspicious, though, so...I await your answer on that one. No wonder he went so slowly - for more than 2 years (4-5). He was going to drain you as well as ID-thieve you, meaning, gain sufficiently that the entire 8 years' worth of hiding/acting would have been well worth it. Where and how did you originally meet him/it? Were you just minding your own business and then suddenly he approached/'signalled'/infused you with the sense of responsibility for approaching him? And...How did he hurt his foot? (Realise, these - the ones spat out of a relationship with no new 'sucker' to go to - are the types fling themselves in front of unsuspecting car-drivers in order to claim Compensation and Disability Benefits (whereupon they have to keep up another act: permanently immobile) (eventually getting caught). What their sick, nasty-toddler ego/id wants, it gets. Even if it kills them. They're the slaves. To their thick-as-pig-sh*t, permanently out-of-control ego (and cognitive systems).

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(PS: forgot to mention: in the radio version, it's 'bloodsucker, dream-crusher', which relates a lot better to your situation.)

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Hey Thea - how are you feeling now? Are you coping okay? And how's the new job? Any further peep from Schweppes? (- "Shhhhh!...you know who.")

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Hey you, Sorry I haven't been in contact. I am surviving and that's about all of it. No word on when the restaurant will reopen, maybe mid may if everything goes well. They have continued to pay us, about half of what we would normally make but it's better than nothing. When that is combined with what I am making at the new place it comes out to the same. That means I'm not really making great money at the new place. At least not enough that I could not go back when the other place does reopen. I was hoping I could bc that was a place he and I worked together and it would be nice to have that daily reminder gone.

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I have received a couple of messages from him but no more phone calls. Of course there are still food and clothing orders I placed for him that haven't been delivered yet. It takes 6 to 8 weeks for him to receive the packages. I am depressed. I just go to work and sleep as much as I am able. I did take the twins out Friday to dinner and to pick out a gift for their birthday, they are turning 13 on Tuesday. It was nice to spend time with them but it brought up a lot of memories. They asked me when I was going to visit uncle Travis again. I didn't lie to them. I told them I wasn't. Of course they asked me why. I didn't say anything bad about him to them. I just told them that uncle Travis had decided he didn't want us to be together anymore and that he wasn't going to come home to me when he was released. They let it go at that and didn't ask any other questions. It was a tough conversation to have even though it was very brief.

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Jax, my new roommate, has been great. She really helps me look at things objectively and keeps my head on straight. Of course she has been out of work bc we worked at the same place. She has been scrambling, picking up every job she can. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have people who looked out for me and hooked me up with work as quickly as they did. I am watching her struggle and I just can't believe that with as many restaurants, as under staffed as they are, it is taking her so long to find something! I know she's trying and I know she's qualified, in fact several places have turned her down bc she's over qualified! Life just generally sucks. Sorry to be such a downer.

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Hey-hey! Mad week, but virtually got the weekend to myself (oh joy!) so will catch-up with you anon.

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(1st post) "Hey you, Sorry I haven't been in contact." Hey YOU - and sorry BACK, haha. Lovely to hear from you...been wondering... "I am surviving and that's about all of it." Yes. It won't last, though - we're programmed so that it can't. It'll just keep getting a tiny bit better, day-by-day, then it speeds up and keeps speeding up. You've got to be patient with yourself, Thea. Basically, your husband died and you're in mourning. And things weren't good before he died so that complicates things enormously. But I repeat - this train ride does have a terminus (and some quite nice stops along the way, actually). See this as a (bar work) holiday for just 'feeding' yourself. REALLY spoil and pamper yourself. You obviously AREN'T (- naughty you, bend over!). Try harder. Make it a new routine. You'll be very glad you did by the end of this because what you're doing is Dating Yourself. And as the expert on what you need and fancy, your needs will get used to being met. THAT way, any potential boyfriend has his PROPER work cut out for him and you'll know you're getting a good'un. (See? There is method behind the seeming platitude of "lots of luxury bubble-baths" (etc.). What do you enjoy doing just for yourself? For me, it was getting to play the piano again, uninterrupted for a change, doing cryptic crosswords, trying loads of new, luxury or exotic foods, watching comedy films, creating body pampering sessions (and made my bathroom beautiful, like a spa so that I'd look forward to it), seeing friends (a little...I was trying to re-learn how to be best friends with myself plus felt I should self-quarantine, bar my two closest friends, albeit I mainly maintained those friendships via the phone, having explained the quarantine-ing, obvs, so they knew where they stood and that it was only temporary. You won't see INSTANT improvement until your particular package of self-care and -tenderness becomes a ROUTINE for more than 2 weeks or a month. How's the state of your hair and nails, by the way? Any stress break-outs or boils, skin rashes, tummy trouble...? "No word on when the restaurant will reopen, maybe mid may if everything goes well." I thought you said you got a new job? "They have continued to pay us, about half of what we would normally make but it's better than nothing. When that is combined with what I am making at the new place it comes out to the same. That means I'm not really making great money at the new place. At least not enough that I could not go back when the other place does reopen." Oh, I see - strike above comment. "I was hoping I could bc that was a place he and I worked together and it would be nice to have that daily reminder gone." Yes. Well, in that case, you're either going to have to wait until his not being there becomes the new norm or speed it up by switching up anything and everything you can think of at work to make it overall, in whatever ways, DIFFERENT. What things could you do? E.g. would your employer understand and let you do something new, like in the kitchens, here and there? Anything(s) at all to make the daily routine there, even a slightly different experience? Got to pop out now but I'll be back to continue this evening...

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Strike that - turns out I don't! Appointment changed - AT the 11th hour (how typical) - to next Friday. That's Spain for ya...should rename it Pain. 'But, awww, mustn't grumble...at least the weather's nice'. Mind, you literally shouldn't grumble when, by the sounds, UK's citizens really are on their knees. I'm actually quite pleased; had enough darting around for one week. Just want to spend some time at home, relaxing and catching up with you guys. Right then - 2nd post: "I have received a couple of messages from him but no more phone calls. Of course there are still food and clothing orders I placed for him that haven't been delivered yet. It takes 6 to 8 weeks for him to receive the packages. I am depressed. I just go to work and sleep as much as I am able. I did take the twins out Friday to dinner and to pick out a gift for their birthday, they are turning 13 on Tuesday. It was nice to spend time with them but it brought up a lot of memories. They asked me when I was going to visit uncle Travis again. I didn't lie to them. I told them I wasn't. Of course they asked me why. I didn't say anything bad about him to them. I just told them that uncle Travis had decided he didn't want us to be together anymore and that he wasn't going to come home to me when he was released. They let it go at that and didn't ask any other questions. It was a tough conversation to have even though it was very brief." Messages about WHAT? He's YOUR EX. HE may not think so, HE may have plans to keep you attached to him with these prods, enough to be one of his harem of fans and mistresses, but that means YOU have to make it real, Thea. If you don't act like it, you're prolonging AND worsening the state of feelings you're presently hating. IT'S HOOVERING. Prod, prod, prod, prod - keeping thinking of me, keep thinking of me... ("Covert Narcissist - Death By A Thousand Cuts"). HE knows what he's doing. OBSTRUCTING YOUR HEALING AND RECOVERY. Because it's in his interests as a human parasite with major, set-in-concrete, resentment issues towards females (good for using, sponging, saving money, sex, looking normal...). 'No-one falls in-love faster than a Narcissist needing a roof over his head'. Even a POTENTIAL, BACK-UP roof. And I still think he's hidden something at yours that he'll want back. LOOK HARDER. It's there. But back to... He's your EX. Who CARES about things that were ordered when you (thought you) were still together! That's history, now. Thea, why have you been letting him? Did you think it would give you the opportunity to let go in baby steps so it'll hurt less? It doesn't work like that, not with his type. As a plate on a stick, he is just keeping you spinning and is probably doing the same with the other new, main girlfriend/roof-provider (Primary Supply) AND god knows how many other harem members. It's.What.They.Do. Are famous for doing. Don't let him keep your pain alive - especially when it's for NOTHING. If it's morbid curiosity on your part or wanting closure - you will NEVER get it from him, they make sure of that. Because closure brings healing. Sod him, it's FAR easier to get it off the net, especially from reading the survivors' comments below the blog/article. You get a Gold Star for sleeping lots, though. :) But stop being stubborn, okay? You know what I'm saying is true, you know there are myriad websites out there to verify it, you know it works (if YOU are serious about making that pain ease and go away), you know I'm here to help you, that I'm on Team Thea (and Sh*thead and housematey). I'm not saying it for my own entertainment. This is deadly serious and important and you HAVE to do it. You cannot AFFORD to be re-beaten-up when you're still this bruised and battered. You are GOING to Recoveryville whether you like it or want to or not. You can go smoothly and pleasantly on two legs or you can be dragged kicking and screaming over what is mostly a gravelly or pebbly or rocky path. You need to NOT hear a PEEP out of him so that you can 'stock-up' on healing and get ahead of him. Why don't you text to tell him you're having to block him so that you can make the transition from gf to (don't say friend) acquaintance - which you're SURE, as someone who cares so much about you and your welfare - going by the fact he can't stay away (:p) - he of all people, will be able to understand and respect, but that you'll be unblocking and incommunicado again after 6 months is up. If he refuses to cooperate - you know why. If he cooperates - you know why. Neither will be because he cares about you (or anyone other than himself) - but who cares when this is about COUNTER-manipulation/Out-Narc-ing The Narc, for the sake of healing with as few scars as possible. And FYI, this may be the psychological version but the effects and results on the mind are the same, meaning, no flesh wounds EVER healed successfully or properly when the person who caused them in the first place insists on PRODDING INSIDE THEM WITH THEIR LONG-NAILED FINGER. How attractive (inside) are you going to be by the end of that, do you think? Purely logical, yes, Captain? Come on - you know you can do it. You can always reverse it. You have the power now. ALL OF IT. He made it so. He tried to 'unfairly fire' you to literally in-one-go kick all the self-respect, -like, pride, sense that you MATTER - your whole Mojo - out of you. Because reducing women to nothing gives this secretly (not so, now) sick ucker a sense of huge self-pride and satisfaction. It pumps them RIGHT up, makes them more and more arrogant, entitled and sadistic with every single part they get away with at your loss and expense. If it had been a real firing, you wouldn't have heard another peep. You're his safetynet but aren't likely to agree UNLESS YOU'RE ON THE FLOOR AND DESPERATE, BUT YOU CAN'T STOP THE PAIN BECAUSE HE'S PROLONGING AND EXACERBATING SO THE ONLY OTHER INSTANTLY AVAILABLE PAINKILLER IS: FEELING LIKE YOU'RE BACK WITH HIM OR ABOUT TO BE BACK WITH HIM. (That's not true but it's how it works on people in too much pain for too long.) You've got me getting all mumsy/dadsy on you now, look. (Do as yer told or no pocket-money! ;D) Post here on your thread more. Wail, whinge, rile, ...get your emotions out HERE where you can't bore or piss anyonen off because they WANT to be part of your journey with you and know what they themselves have got coming "if". I imagine your lurkers (other folks in your same sort of boat) have missed you too (and they'll be relying on you, Thea.) (YES, pressure; you obviously need it.) And get yourself some free self-fulfilment and self-esteem by replying to someone on here as soon as you feel up to it; your replies were just lovely. Like you. :) Honestly, once you're healed and well into in that place where you're loving being free and single, you are going to be attracting blokes who are as lovely as you AND who are similarly mentally and lovingly hard-working and take such good care of you that you, as Self-Caretaker, can step down quite a bit (...not saying he'll cut your toenails for you, haha...although HE MIGHT?). It's about training yourself to expect better care treatment because that's the message that will be exuding from you, anywhere you go where equally self-caring, self-liking men are about. If you want Special, you have to BE Special (- moi). But you already are, so all you need to do is heal without letting him and his empathy-less, prodding, sharp-nailed fingers within a 100 miles of you. ANY type of doctor or healthcare worker would tell you that. But in fact, YOU'RE in control of it. So what they'd say, is: STOP POKING YOURSELF. Stop it. NNNNO...STOP. IT. And you'd do as you were told because they'd be right in front of you. IOW, *don't* make me have to climb through this monitor. ;D

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PS: "I did take the twins out Friday to dinner and to pick out a gift for their birthday, they are turning 13 on Tuesday. It was nice to spend time with them but it brought up a lot of memories. They asked me when I was going to visit uncle Travis again. I didn't lie to them. I told them I wasn't. Of course they asked me why. I didn't say anything bad about him to them. I just told them that uncle Travis had decided he didn't want us to be together anymore and that he wasn't going to come home to me when he was released. They let it go at that and didn't ask any other questions. It was a tough conversation to have even though it was very brief." WELL DONE! Seriously-well done! Handled beautifully. Don't worry about the 'but' bit... That was you starting to overlay the memories, and you've basically given a thorough bulletin but with an underlying message of, Topic Closed. Which means you can next time be more relaxed and have an even nicer time. So being triggered like that won't last. ...So all that MATTERS is, 'It was nice to spend time with them'. You'd make an ucking antastic mother, you would, if you want my opinion or even if you don't haha. GOOD. Make that YOUR territory. I'm not so stupid that I don't realise that YOU were the main mover & shaker with those two so - you go, girl, you KEEP that right, that fruit of your labour. High Five! And about 5 Gold stars on your brainy forehead. :) So, so far, the ONLY thing you've not yet managed to get a handle on is, keeping his fingers out of your wounds. Do read more on Hoovering; you'll SEE. He KNOWS PRECISELY what he's doing and why (and for whose benefit alone).

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3rd post: "Jax, my new roommate, has been great. She really helps me look at things objectively and keeps my head on straight." Fantastic! Say a huge thank-you from me. What sorts of things is she saying? Is she being firm with you? "Of course she has been out of work bc we worked at the same place. She has been scrambling, picking up every job she can." Awww. What - restaurant/barwork or is she having to try things like fruit-picking? "I feel incredibly fortunate that I have people who looked out for me and hooked me up with work as quickly as they did. I am watching her struggle and I just can't believe that with as many restaurants, as under staffed as they are, it is taking her so long to find something! I know she's trying and I know she's qualified, in fact several places have turned her down bc she's over qualified!" She maybe needs to tone down her C.V.?...play a bit dumb? I used to have to do that, here and there, when I was working in London. Didn't take long for them to realise once I started, that my capabilities went far further (...is that correct Engrish??), though, and usually ended-up with being quickly promoted or given some project start-up to myself. Isn't she applying according to her league, i.e. Restaurant Manager or Maitre 'd? "Life just generally sucks." I know. ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) "Sorry to be such a downer." Yeah, but you're NOT. That's the TROUBLE. You're SUPPOSED to be. You have a right to be. And that's what we're here for (duu-uuh? LOL). LET IT OUT. Properly, I mean. Wail your face off, swear (using asterisks but you have a hall pass if you forget)... reminisce and cry... Where better than on here where you're anonymous??? Honestly - you are NO trouble. You've just been steadily brainwashed to think you are (or could be if you're not careful). You're very LOW maintenance, in fact. And you can afford to be much higher. (gets box of virtual tissues ready) Go aaaaan, go aaan, go aaan, go aaan, go AAN! :D

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So where did you meet Jax and how does she know Travis? Were they friends or just acquaintances?...or her boyfriend was his friend (that would figure!)?

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Hello again, It is always so nice to hear from you. Idk how someone I have never met can provide such solace. The new job is picking up. They really seem to appreciate me, which is a change from the last place. The other place is still not open, as of yesterday there is still no electricity. My best guess for the reopening is maybe the end of May. They are continuing to pay and with things picking up at the new place I am doing well financially. Emotionally is a completely different issue. I understand what you say about mourning the death of the relationship and I can even see some similarities as to how I felt when my mother and my brother passed. They are the people whose loss I am still acutely aware of. I don't want to give him that place though. He doesn't deserve to be put in the same place as people who I will always love without reservation and remember as positive and true parts of my life.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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You asked about Jax, my roommate. She has found a job, finally, that she is super excited about. I think she will excel and be happier! She doesn't pull any punches when she talks to me. It's interesting since she has been living here her opinion of Travis has changed. She told me a couple weeks ago that she had thought I was making things up about the situation. That the Travis she knew could never do the stuff I had told her. She overhead some of our conversations and I shared some of the things I discovered in his email with her. She is as blindsided as I was. She worked with him for about a year and a half before I started working at the same restaurant. Travis and I were together then I just worked somewhere else. She says she never had any idea he had a girlfriend until I began working there. Even then she, and evidently a lot of people there, had trouble reconciling he and I as a couple. She never had any relationship with him other than work. It's amusing that you would ask that if you knew her!! She would have not put up with his crap for a minute!! And I don't think he could have hidden it from her the way he did from me. She is bold and straightforward, doesn't pull any punches. She is also kind and after she puts me in my place, as far as he's concerned, she reminds me that better things lie ahead! I will keep reaching out to you bc quite frankly I need you. Thank you so much for all your kind and wise words. I just still don't have it in me to hate him.

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Heya! "Hello again, It is always so nice to hear from you. Idk how someone I have never met can provide such solace." You too. :) And that's 'old-fashioned' forums for ya :) It also shows you how vital good communication is. (And eyesight, obviously. :D) "The new job is picking up. They really seem to appreciate me, which is a change from the last place. The other place is still not open, as of yesterday there is still no electricity. My best guess for the reopening is maybe the end of May. They are continuing to pay and with things picking up at the new place I am doing well financially." I still don't understand why they think they're allowed, legally, to put their full-time staff on-ice and onto a reduced wage? I mean, I presume their insurance will pay for all of the work, including some form of PP for loss of takings? So how is this not in-breach of Employment Law? Or are you without-contract and paid in cash, the pair of you? "Emotionally is a completely different issue." Yeah. I remember it well. There's 'relationship (and friendship) breakup' and then there's THIS. It plays havoc with your nervous system, in fact, leaves everything out-of-whack, which feels so relentlessly bad you can even become convinced you've died without knowing it and been seamlessly shunted into a parallel universe or, worse, Hell. How many times worse than a normal break-up would you say this is? "I understand what you say about mourning the death of the relationship and I can even see some similarities as to how I felt when my mother and my brother passed. They are the people whose loss I am still acutely aware of." Oh yeah, it's definitely like the person you were with and madly in-love with for so long has died and yet some monster who looks and sounds identical to them has taken their place...Invasion Of The Body-Snatchers. And it's true that (for a while) you only realise HOW abusive it all was at the time, even if ALL of it had been under-the-table, whereby Conscious you hadn't noticed or realised, BY how incredibly bad it can feel, compared to 'easy-peasy' normal break-up aftermaths. It IS worth it, though. Definitely. "I don't want to give him that place though." It's not 'that place'. It's its dark flip-side. Think about it. And no, unlike the death of someone who truly loved you and you, them, it DOES stop and you DON'T remain aware of them, because your mind realises - he was rubbish, 'out' he goes, and the memories into the 'ROUND filing cabinet' (filed as Toxic, Useless, Futile). So after a while you literally find yourself shocked that you'd forgotten to remember them for a whole week, then a whole month, three months and so on. Nope, your mind doesn't hold onto memories of trash for longer than it needs to. Sure, you learn what not to do next time and remember the lessons (e.g. no letting them rush/force you into premature bonding and intimacy), but your mind won't let you keep recalling trash. You've just got to grit your teeth and trust in the *fact* that "this too shall pass" but that for a while your mind is working harder than you've ever known, furiously building a 10-dimensional jigsaw puzzle, hence why all those little pieces at first keep popping up and carousel-ing in your mind until it spots where that piece ACTUALLY belongs and inserts it (whereupon the pain for that bit dies). And this puzzle is called, I expected to feel bad if ever we broke up but why do I feel as bad as all THIS? You could also analogise it AS your mind being a carousel. And it's been overloaded with far many more riders than it has seats, so all it can do is speed up so that the seat-less rabble who shouldn't be there (and haven't even paid) get thrown off via centrafugal force. But it's not used to operating at breakneck speed so - it hurts and everything looks completely blurry as it happens. Sense? "He doesn't deserve to be put in the same place as people who I will always love without reservation and remember as positive and true parts of my life." Ah-HAH! THERE it is - there's the healthy Anger and Outrage starting to show itself! No. He. Does. *Not*. Correct. And as above - and nor will he. Your mind knows what it's doing, no worries. It really does help if you remember that, emotionally, you're in a hospital ward with a leg broken in multiple places, in traction, and it ucking hurts as well as becomes a drag, unless you show it respect by patiently not putting any strain on it, changing your lifestyle for a while to accommodate it, and accepting it's going to take Time to heal and lessen a 'devastation' that serious. Just don't struggle or, god forbid, thrash around; it's far easier and faster if you don't. Trust me, by the end of this, you'll be calling him Travesty too. Or a lot worse. Are you surfing the web for knowledge on your situation and state? Knowledge is definitely power - or in your case, power back. And the most effective painkiller for post-Narc pain and discomfort...time's partner and friend...think Starsky & Hutch). _______________________ "You asked about Jax, my roommate. She has found a job, finally, that she is super excited about. I think she will excel and be happier!" Phew, what a relief! Tell her Congrats from me/us! "She doesn't pull any punches when she talks to me." Feisty, eh? :D "It's interesting since she has been living here her opinion of Travis has changed." Yeah, I'll bet! "She told me a couple weeks ago that she had thought I was making things up about the situation." Yeah, they're 'good' at the propaganda, slander and fake persona-ing, aren't they, eh? Two Faced isn't the word. "That the Travis she knew could never do the stuff I had told her." Yyyyup! ...precisely because she DIDN'T 'knew'. It's never just the romantic partner they completely fool. Tell her - he made her one of his Flying Monkeys, and she didn't even have a clue. "She overhead some of our conversations and I shared some of the things I discovered in his email with her. She is as blindsided as I was." Truth Outs, eh. "She worked with him for about a year and a half before I started working at the same restaurant." Yes, and the FACT scummy him was with somehow with a diamond like yourself, is what majorly aided that fake impression of him AUTOMATICALLY HAVING TO BE likewise. See how it works now? See why and in what way you were so important to him? "Travis and I were together then I just worked somewhere else. She says she never had any idea he had a girlfriend until I began working there." WOAH. And there you go. So to all intents and purposes, in-public he was behaving like he was still single and available. (Yep, that's malignant Narcs and particularly Spaths for ya.) "Even then she, and evidently a lot of people there, had trouble reconciling he and I as a couple." AH. Isn't THAT interesting. ("Toldja" ;)) Go into more details on this, regarding their actual words, plizz? "She never had any relationship with him other than work. It's amusing that you would ask that if you knew her!! She would have not put up with his crap for a minute!!" Wanna bet? *Think* about it- she already did. NO FUNCTIONAL, EMPATHETIC HUMAN IS IMMUNE. Not even her. Not unless you both read up on it, including memorised the Early Red Flags AND stayed single long enough that all types of Rose-Tinted Glasses no longer fit. Forewarned is Fore-armed. "And I don't think he could have hidden it from her the way he did from me." Yeah, he could have. "She is bold and straightforward, doesn't pull any punches." Nor do/did Cleckley and Hare and even THEY get/got fooled (which just taught them to study it *harder/deeper*. So what makes HER so special? ;p Now know this: as an M-NSpath, even Travis hides things from Travis. Okay? You can't tell if someone's lying if they've lied so often even THEY have become convinced and believe it; it's only if the liar KNOWS they're lying. With these nutjobs, sometimes they do know, sometimes they don't, sometimes they did know at first but now believe their own lies. IT'S MADNESS. Literally. No dividing line between reality and their (warped) fantasy (or phantasm in their case). It gets broken if a person lies all day, everyday for years and decades... The man is not sane. But knows how to act like he is - including via the use (NSpath) of Props. You were a favourite Prop of an Oscar-winning-level actor (but one that doesn't want to earn a living by it - or anything that effort-filled: they'd rather con and parasite because it gives them a 'kick' which they're addicted to and compulsed to constantly seek.) End Of. Mad. End Of. "She is also kind and after she puts me in my place, as far as he's concerned, she reminds me that better things lie ahead!" LITERALLY better, as in, than ever before. I repeat: definitely worth it. Definitely a chrysalis. Definitely a huge enlightenment and iQ expander by miles. "I will keep reaching out to you bc quite frankly I need you." Yeah - course! :) ALL victims need a Constant. It's too hard trying to do it by yourself when there ARE more kind and people-helping folk out there than not, meaning, you don't have to. "Thank you so much for all your kind and wise words. I just still don't have it in me to hate him." No, but you will, it's inevitable (thoh-weee) and unavoidable - AND HIGHLY NECESSARY. Don't box yourself into a corner with pre-misconceptions. Just let the Menu present *itself*. "He doesn't deserve that place". For you, that's a powerful sentiment as a first peek-a-boo. You don't hate them forever, though. It's just a vital phase - a vomiting session, if you like. To get those Toxins out. And LIKE puking - you feel SO much better for it afterwards.... which is why I think maybe you should try 'putting your fingers down your throat'. I think you should - as a painkilling move... You and Jax get drunk as skunks on a night off and slag the pants off of him... even if you make it witty and start by taking the piss out of all or any aspects of him. You're also (whether you think so or not or like it or not) going to be saying the same things those safely-distant witnesses said...Basically, What the eff is (was) a lady like her (me) doing with a total scum-bum like him!? But you really should force a vomit - really. Or else, when IT forces itself, it'll be too big and, frankly, projectile...and you won't have the wherewithall to stop any of it splatting over your friends and other loved-ones. Just trust me and just Nike. I don't need thanks (nice as they are) - I need that. So that I can help. See if you surprise yourself (and Jax, heh-heh). If you wanna feel considerably better, you'll do it - bury him (again, even with hilarious, drunken piss-taking). If you don't, you're hanging onto a rotting corpse that's going to keep increasingly looking and smelling nothing LIKE him, and which, before you know it, is going to stink up your life. Put simply - you will start to pong alongside. A photo album or Memory Box is much better. He may no longer exist, but he was real for a while (or may as well have been). Just TRY it, Sam-I-Am, you might (will) LIKE Green Eggs and Ham. :) You really-really CAN rant-out grief - in surprisingly BIG chunks, too. Me, I ranted my face off! And because it worked, I actually scheduled myself ranting sessions every day (kid you not). If for some strange reason it DOESN'T work on you that way, we'll try other things. Deal? ...unless you ARE ranting with Jax already but just don't want to on here?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: while I think of it... I know Jax (cool nickname btw) has taken on the cleaning as her housekeeping input, HOWEVER, you need - yes, NEED - to clean too. So just go into more detail, do all the little nicknacks and ornaments until the place looks DEEP-cleaned by a professional hotel contractor. This (if you've ever wondered why some people seem OTT when it comes to doing housework all the time) will GRREATLY speed-up your recouping of Integrity (which Narcs erode from you), in terms of "What goes up must come down". House: Soiled - Put real effort into it - Sparkling Clean - (Not immediately ruined) - Feel Great Travis: Soiled - Put real effort into it - Still Soiled/made zero difference - Feel Shite. That simple. It gains you back your sense of rightful control. And don't grumble because it's that or juggling a ball all day long, every day. I know Shithead would be in 7th Heaven, but - own oxygen mask first. Without saying what it is - have you got a cool, sassy-sounding nickname as well? That would help, too. Soooo many things one can do to legitimately speed-up that horrid healing experience. Ya just gotta know what they are and why they work. Haircut...new style. This comes under you changing YOU because that's how you change what you get BACK/INCOMING and how you force an era to feel new...a legitimate faking-it-to-make-it move. But instead of Stick, it's Carrot. Lovely juicy, sweet ones. (Think I'm hungry haha)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello my friend, I think you will be proud of me. Tavis called a few nights ago and I really let him have it. It was the first time I had spoken to him in 2 months and it will be the last. I held him accountable for all the lies and all the crap I have discovered. I didn't hold anything back. His response was weak and didn't really address the things I was asking about. He just made excuses, honestly seems like he was trying to blame me. The call cut off, bc of the time limits of the prison system, wo us resolving much. I sent a message last night saying goodbye. It wasn't angry or mean, it just said goodbye in no uncertain terms. I will not accept any further calls from him and, as hard as it is going to be, I am going to cut off contact with his family. You are right it is time to start taking care of myself. Keeping them as part of my life will mean he is allowed in as well. That is not an option anymore. I have to say it hurts, both in a good way but so much in a bad way. I have also decided not to go back to working at the restaurant we worked at together. There are just too many reminders for me to be able to make a clean break. I am more than a little lost right now, feeling uncertain about just everything. I know in my brain that this is what I must do in order to survive but my heart doesn't want to get on board! It is going to take a very long time to adjust. Reference Linda Ronstadt!! Long long time, it's a very appropriate song.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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(Just bumping you up for later today/tonight.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Hello my friend, I think you will be proud of me." Oh yeah? What's this?... " Tavis called a few nights ago and I really let him have it. It was the first time I had spoken to him in 2 months and it will be the last." Ooh! Wasn't expecting that! Did you? Cor - hope you've gone into detail... " I held him accountable for all the lies and all the crap I have discovered. I didn't hold anything back." How therapeutic for you! " His response was weak and didn't really address the things I was asking about. He just made excuses, honestly seems like he was trying to blame me." Deflect Blame things/situation or you. Standard stuff. The only way they could give anyone closure would be if they didn't mind replying: "Regarding all of it: because under this Nice/Fun Guy facade, I'm a real-live human predator who hates the world and people (it/they OWE him), and picks on women and the vulnerable to both feel better about myself and gain something and/or even make an easy living as a Gigalo, while gaining myself a veneer of respectability, thanks to you. But things have changed so ((and this easy dismissal is because they've no way to bond to you -)) you have to go now". The state the victim is usually in (forcing confrontation earlier than you have) - hearing the truth, too many Narc-Spaths could end up bumped-off! At the very least, they'd be unable to Hoover you if/when they decided they needed something(s) from you again (or because you've recovered, are perkier...'full of juice again' so can be squeezed again). " The call cut off, bc of the time limits of the prison system, wo us resolving much." Aw. No details of what you said? " I sent a message last night saying goodbye. It wasn't angry or mean, it just said goodbye in no uncertain terms." And can we see that, too, please? (Obvs you leave out any personal/identifying info.) "I will not accept any further calls from him and, as hard as it is going to be, I am going to cut off contact with his family." Wowzers. I thought you'd want to keep in contact with the neices (and dog), but - no - you're ready to "cut out any mutual contacts" so you're really-REALLY going No- in fact, Zero Contact, then? Yes, I'm absolutely proud and impressed! After an initial delay, you've just covered two stages in-one! How has it left you feeling? Liberated? Impressed with yourself, your mental and emotional strength, perceiving him suddenly as 'trailor trash'? " You are right it is time to start taking care of myself. Keeping them as part of my life will mean he is allowed in as well." I knowww...I'm really annoying that way, LOL. And yes - correct. Burn his and their bridge back. Take your life back. It's YOU-Time now. And you've bloody earned it, which is why you'll enjoy it so much...the fruits of your labour. You're gonna love it. You've been deprived for HOW MANY YEARS? When did you first notice the deprivation (as possibly made you try to ATTEND to and COMPLIMENT him more in order to get back the level of attention from him that he'd got you used to (the higher they love-bomb you, the farther you fall, the more injured, disillusioned, etc., you are...which puts you at a disadvantage to him, ALREADY, VERY EARLY-ON, and ripe for manipulating and brainwashing into the perfect slave who finds OUT what he's really like yet can't seem to leave them - and that crash from the super-high pedestal onto the ground below is why. You're so shocked to see your 'Prince' behaving like a petty criminal and woman-user. "That is not an option anymore." Nope. And that's SO-so-so brave of you! (Your self-esteem just went up..has to have!) " I have to say it hurts, both in a good way but so much in a bad way." I know; I've been where you are. You GRIEVE in a Cognitively Dissonised state as well. For a bit. But you seem to have jumped ahead to Acceptance (having long-jumped there after a very short stretch of Depression). Have you got long legs in real life? I have also decided not to go back to working at the restaurant we worked at together. There are just too many reminders for me to be able to make a clean break. "I am more than a little lost right now, feeling uncertain about just everything." Yeah. It's just a sensation, though; don't let it fool you. Tell me what you're uncertain about? "I know in my brain that this is what I must do in order to survive but my heart doesn't want to get on board!" *sigh*...yup. In comparison to Spock, Kirk is soooo slooooooow to catch up. "It is going to take a very long time to adjust." From what I've seen - your very long is our 'blink and you miss it'! So I doubt that VERY much. I think we're merely talking Weeks now. " Reference Linda Ronstadt!! Long long time, it's a very appropriate song." Shall YT it now... Never heard that one before (cheers!). YES. YOU DID TRY HARD. Just with the wrong 'person', is all. Now't wrong with you - YOU made THE most difficult relationship 'partner' stay afloat WITH you for eight whole years. YES, he was doing things behind your back. That just tells me you were too hawk-eyed and with the 'nose' of a Bloodhound if he was to try any nonsense actually in front of you. You made him work too hard (round of applause!) so he gave up trying to brainwash you and settled for fooling you that you were in a real relationship by conducting himself nefariously out of your radar range, behind your back, with criminal activity. Albeit he has both AsPD and Narcissism, Travesty seems heavier on the Sociopathic (antisocial or anti-society) side than the Narcissistic one. Mind you, we definitely have the false Window Dressing ("long-running-respectable husband-figure"), AND the lack of interpersonal abuse (is that right?), which more spells Narc-Psychopath. I can't say without more detail from you, however. And it is important - for knowing how to shield and protect yourself from manipulation to get back together. Remember he has daily access to actual criminals now. So we need to be prepared and know which precise hatches to batten down. But - yup! - that was a surprise-and-a-half?! :))))) Tell me more. (tell me moowur, like does he have a scar?, tell me moowur, tell me moowur.......hur-hur....)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I missed this bit! "I have also decided not to go back to working at the restaurant we worked at together. There are just too many reminders for me to be able to make a clean break. " BLOODY NORA! Did you always sprint the last half of the 100m like that?! Wow. October to first week May. That's basically a piddly 6 months from when you realised you needed help and came on here. Cor - 6 months. DOESN'T time fly, though! It really does! So has the new restaurant offered you a permenant position?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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So this is what I sent him via the email system the prison has. Hey hunny, I just miss you so much. I miss the idea of a happy future with all of this behind us. I have finally accepted that it will never happen. It hurts so badly but I will honor your decision. I love you dearly. Thank you for the joy and brightness you brought to my life for so long, even if a lot of it wasn't real. Thank you for the girls and the wonderful experience of watching them grow up. I hope they make an amazing future for themselves. You have a very tough time ahead of you and I will pray the road you have chosen gets you to where you are planning. Stay stong and try to be positive. Always remember the love and dedication I tried to provide and know that it was real and what you deserve. Don't settle for less when you find the person you want to spend your life with. I mourn that it wasn't me. Good bye my dear friend. I won't forget you. I wish you luck.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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So you say a sprint but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I have been hanging on and begging for 14 months. I guess part of me knew but just wouldn't accept the reality. I have always dealt with things that hurt me by cutting them out of my life. That hasn't been easy and in this case it definitely won't be. I have struggled with the decision to let him go and even more so with the decision to turn my back on his family. I know it will hurt the girls and it's not fair to them because they have been let down and abandoned by both of their parents. I was their aunt for almost 9 years of their 13. Unfortunately I can't see a way to hold on to the relationship with them without keeping a pathway open for him to find a way back into my life when he realizes what it looks like without me. I can't let that happen. I'm not being strong. I'm not moving quickly. I am just cutting out the thing that is causing me pain and protecting myself in the best way I know how.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello again, I have been very disorganized lately, so many things changing so quickly. To answer your question about the new work place. Yes they are more than happy to have me full time. They have even been able to provide me with a semi-permanet schedule so that I am able to make plans and appointments in advance of a schedule released on Saturday evening to begin on Monday morning. That was the norm at the last place. Addressing the comment about depression. That is in full swing. My poor shithead doesn't understand why his mom is crying every night. He won't leave my side when I am home. He reacted the same way when my mother passed. I don't know how you feel about animals and I think they are similar to people in that some are way more special than others. I have had cats my entire life and I know that this one is well beyond anything one could imagine. Jax is convinced he talks to her and listens to our conversations. To say he is my touchstone right now would be an understatement. I look forward to hearing from you. I think I could use a dose of wisdom. Thank you so much for all the kind words for the past months. Please don't stop.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya! "Please don't stop." Short of a Grand Piano falling onto me from the sky, or you suddenly ripping off what was a mask (like you-know-who up there) - I cannot see any reason why I would have to so - cease worrying, kiddo, honestly. Short Answer: Me name ain't Travesty. However, saying that, I know you're going to need to keep asking me over and over for reassurance (pretty universal post-Narc-Abuse symptom) so - go ahead, ask as often as you like, I'm used to it. Anyway, am going to log on this eve/tonight - got yourself and newbies waiting. In a bit!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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(PS: by 'up there', I meant the past, trouble-making poster.) PPS: It is horrid, though, isn't it. Feeling like what's the point in trusting that ANYONE in your life can stay steady as a rock without suddenly, unexpectedly crumbling or disappearing into the ground on you, nearly taking you with it. Devastating Disappointment and Disillusionment and dented Trust (and-and-and) aren't the words for it. Even if you haven't EVER felt insecure in your life until him/it. You put it down to lack of company due to not daring to trust, when it isn't really. It's just that unrealistic fear that you'll STAY like that - FOREVER. Total ollocks. Your brain won't allow it (unless your needle gets stuck, but even that has an end). Trouble is - how does one distinguish between temporary paralysis and permanent? The duration and frequency - if you panic - can make you think you've gone insane with the sense of betrayal. It takes Hope. Or if that's too low - bravery. Going BEYOND recovering into 'Pheonix from the ashes' territory takes even more bravery. "Feeling the fear and doing it anyway"...which you have done then done then DONE. So I'm not worried about you, just fyi. But if it's DEPENDABLE - i.e. non-emotional reassurance you need - have a suitcaseful of pragmatic reasons: I'm really, really interested - AS are all here present - to see that slow-mo moment start (you can see it happening bit-by-bit to Lily31).... ..."Dann-dann-daaaaaan!" :) We're all invested. So don't you bloody abandon us, either! Deal? :D (Does that do the trick? *This is an equal relationship where BOTH parties have something to lose*) (- 'Ey sayy, how verray novel airnd rrrefrrreshing!') Problems are never really problems. It's how you feel about them. Intention and Attitude are everything. Anyhoo...I'm only supposed to be popping inside to make my contractor a cuppa (umm!) so - laters!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Okay so I am not sure this is a good decision but I have decided to send Travis all of the letters I have written over the past year. I quit sending them when he wrote me last may and told me it bothered him to keep receiving letters where I "poured my heart out ". I know it seems counter intuitive for my recovery and may even drag it out longer. The flip side of that is that , even if it doesn't mean anything to him, I need him to know all of the crap I have been dealing with. I'm not sure what, if anything, I hope to achieve but I think it will make me feel better. Idk if it makes any sense but sending them gets them out of my home, mind and maybe my memory. I would have to send them only a couple at a time over probably a month or so. I think if I finally send them I might stop writing them? I need to find a way to make it stop. Right now dumping all of my pain on him when he has to receive it sounds good. I suppose he could choose not to read them but I would never know that and the relief would still be there for me. What do you think of this idea? There are pages and pages of letters. If 1 sent 2 a week it will probably take 6 or 7 weeks. He can only receive 5 pages per envelope. Is this a stupid idea? I am undecided but a huge part of me wants to do it! Any advice is welcome.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I didn't mail the first letters today. There is such a huge part of me that wants to send them. I want him to see the journey I have been on for the past year. I want to unburden myself of all the things I didn't say to him because I didn't want to put anything more on him. I just don't know if it is actually me trying to keep him in my life or if it is a good way of letting go. I have been doing a good job of moving forward. I have bought some new clothes and started going to the tanning bed. The tanning bed has always been something that relaxes me and makes me feel better about my appearance. I have all of these letters, addressed and stamped, as my need for organization goes, they all have dates on the back so I know what order they were written. If I don't send them I'm not sure I can just throw them away. I could really use some insight.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hey-hey! Be with you (and everyone I've yet to catch-up with) a bit later on today!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Okay so I am not sure this is a good decision but I have decided to send Travis all of the letters I have written over the past year. I quit sending them when he wrote me last may and told me it bothered him to keep receiving letters where I "poured my heart out "." Oh DID he, indeed. How typically Narcopath-like: they get IRRITATED at you if you cry(!!!). (NOW ya tell me!) " I know it seems counter intuitive for my recovery and may even drag it out longer." Not necescelery? Lettuce think about it... Depends on what you think you'll gain or achieve by it. " The flip side of that is that , even if it doesn't mean anything to him," (You're ahead of me, haha. And no, it won't. They DON'T CARE. That's their crux problem. CAN'T ATTACH PROPERLY (root cause: Attachment Disorder). "I need him to know all of the crap I have been dealing with." He'll just feel clever and powerful; it'll just reaffirm his grandest delusion, that he's oh-so irresistible and desirable (and that women are 'too weak to cope without men'...male or female, Nspaths are a dinosaur of a misogynist/misandrist, remember?). "I'm not sure what, if anything, I hope to achieve but I think it will make me feel better." Ahead of me again. I'll just listen... " Idk if it makes any sense but sending them gets them out of my home, mind and maybe my memory." Yes. Course it does. And, if you don't expect any reaction/response, that's fine. But you ARE still going to do him and his sick ego a favour. An alternative is to just let him hear on the grapevine that you're doing just fine, thanks. That'll KICK his ego....which Narc Injury-rage he'll probably be unable to keep inside and might well take out on the 'wrong person'.. I guess I'd feel better about it if at the bottom of the pile there were a final, fake letter that just read: "Ok, bye-bye, you can f**k-off now"....better yet - writ in a man's handwriting just under your final sign-off signature. (men on 'their' forever-territory enfuriates them). Or "Ok, gotta go outside now and get some fresh freedom'. Or, 'So have you been b*mmed yet or have you still got that to look forward to?'. Or less obviously, (shambady schtop meh!), 'Have you made any nice (cough) friends in there?'. Or (MORE obviously), 'My new boyfriend isn't half as weird as you'. Or, 'Don't forget to brush your teeth every single night...TBH, just between you and I, your breath was a bit too pongy at times. Also, you should be aware that you flatulate constantly in your sleep.' (they're paranoid so that'd do it). Or the killer: '...but I'll be fine, don't worry, especially as I've come into my inheritance. Gonna go on a world cruise or something...haven't decided.' But he probably wouldn't GET as far as the bottom of the pile. You'd have to make the envelope a bright colour that stuck out from the rest but marked just 'Final Thoughts' or something, with all of the envelopes numbered in the top-left corner, by chronological order. Try to imagine, tomorrow, getting a whole load of unsent letters from an ex you dated in your early teens, weren't even into (other than "having a boyfriend" like your friends), and haven't seen since... (Feel it?) "I would have to send them only a couple at a time over probably a month or so. I think if I finally send them I might stop writing them?" NO, then. He'd choose to interpret it as, you still being COMPLETELY hung-up on him. Too much effort. (Hope you haven't yet? - not reading ahead again). " I need to find a way to make it stop." The unsent-letter-writing? No you don't, it's really cathartic. "Right now dumping all of my pain on him when he has to receive it sounds good." It wouldn't register as pain. Just (his perception) weak, soppy and typically sappy ('empaths are saps') (they're jealous because they can't get emotional about anything any more...like having flatlined - bar the pathological-sized, negative ones (anger, resentment, jealousy, self-pity). You and your energy is what 'activates' them (a bit). That's why they like chirpy, bubbly, outwardly emotionally-expressive types. They can't get their own Okay emotions 'up' any more. ('Impotent!...Impotent!...not Important!'). Ooh, there's an idea!..."...and I just want you to know you and the time we spent together will always be impotent to me". "I suppose he could choose not to read them" AHEAD OF ME AGAIN - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!...funny. :D "but I would never know that and the relief would still be there for me." Well, okay then - send them - yeah! If it's purely for your benefit - yeah! " What do you think of this idea?" Haha - THAT! " There are pages and pages of letters. If 1 sent 2 a week it will probably take 6 or 7 weeks. He can only receive 5 pages per envelope. Is this a stupid idea?" Not if they irk him like Water-Torture, no... HAHAHAHAHA! Yep - pester him! Rub the rabid puppy's nose in his own shite. As long as they're not flattering? "I am undecided but a huge part of me wants to do it! Any advice is welcome." Send him ONE sheet at-a-time....and at the end of each page, bottom-right-hand corner - ".../continued on page X". HAHAHAHAHAH!! Remember Fun Boy Three with Bananarama?..."It ain't wotcha do, it's the way that ya do it...an' that's what gets re-sults!" Cool...you've talked me into it! And actually...I've just thought.... THE PRISON GUARDS GET TO READ THEM ALL. Yeah, go on - tell them what a secret banker he is. (Light Fuse and retreat.) _________________________ "I didn't mail the first letters today." AW, FOR FFFF...HAHAHAHA! "There is such a huge part of me that wants to send them. I want him to see the journey I have been on for the past year. I want to unburden myself of all the things I didn't say to him because I didn't want to put anything more on him." Ah. Different. YES again, then. "I just don't know if it is actually me trying to keep him in my life or if it is a good way of letting go." I like, letting go put through the blender with so up yours you creep, and, something that niggles and needles at him. Words mean nothing to all m-Narcs, it's actions they notice, so it CAN be like the ex-gf who phones 'just to let you know that I'm HAPPY you dumped me and you mean NOTHING to me now! (slam)'. '...Yeah, darlin' - clearly', thinks he. HOWEVER, if she phoned like this: 'Just letting-' (brrrrr) '...Sorry, line cut - just letting you-' (brrrrr) '...(f*ckssake) - letting you know tha-' (brrrrr) Reminds me of the time when the Nex 'silent called' me. I recognised his breathing (duuh?). So I - after going 'hello?' for a convincing bit, I laughed and said, 'Is that YOU, Jonathan?...HA-HA, VERY FUNNY, TOUCHE... - don't forget the wine, gorgeous! (click)' (Think about it...if you were making up a new lover, you wouldn't call him something like Jonathan, would ya. Heard he went MENTAL! Including at work the whole of the next day....funny even with client and everything. ("...Now-the druuuugs don't wooork, they just make you wooorse where-I-don't-know-if-I'll seeee your-face-agaaaaiin".) " I have been doing a good job of moving forward. I have bought some new clothes and started going to the tanning bed. The tanning bed has always been something that relaxes me and makes me feel better about my appearance." OOH! Are we collecting Gold Stars? "I have all of these letters, addressed and stamped, as my need for organization goes, they all have dates on the back so I know what order they were written." (Good - noted) "If I don't send them I'm not sure I can just throw them away." Oh GOD, no - don't throw them AWAY!? They're a Captain's Log, Star Date (whatever)! Or a map of where you've come from. You'll bloody LOVE how you feel when you read those again in another, say, 6 months. You'll think, UUUUGH!...did I really feel like that for a creep like that?! " I could really use some insight." Okay, I've got it!... What you do is, just send them as you said, one by one or max 5 pages at-a-time (GAFFAW-GAFFAW!) and then, in a final envelope, just put one question in the middle of the (A4?) sheet that reads thus: 'Hope these days guards don't read every incoming letter any more?' - WITH A WINKING SMILEY-FACE. (The guards will get it...they'll like that and think - what a woman. And then think, What a nasty git (him).) Yes. Set the hounds on him. HAHAHAHA ("AH GAT THE POW-ER!.........Heyyyyy-ee-yeah-yea-ea-eaah...........Like the crack of the whip, I Snap! attack, Front to back, in this thing called rap, Dig it like a shovel, rhyme devil on a heavenly level...Bang the bass, turn up the treble...Radical mind, day and night all the time.....7:14, wise, divine...Maniac brainiac, winnin' the game...I'm the lyrical Jesse James"). Otherwise it's just a case of "seeing if you can press the Send button". If you hesitate at the postbox - NO/not yet. Try again the next day - and repeat. If you get THREE Nos, it's No. If you shove them in then instantly regret it - just go to your local postal collection office, they'll give them back (haha...how do I know THAT, she wonders?). So what's your hair - and your new clothes like? PS: thlup-thlup-thlup!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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One question, though: did you get the urge to send them before or after you got your makeover? (And - sorry - TAN and clothes. Where did I get haircut from?)

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
So I haven't talked to you in awhile. I have been struggling with trying to send the letters. I just can't do it. I can't open myself up to him again. I can't allow him to see how vulnerable I am. I have put them in the car and driven past the post office but decided not to send them. I think it's better to just cut everything off. I wrote for the past 5 days and really told him off and a part of me wants to send it but I just don't think it will do anything but make me look sad and weak. The new clothes and tanning have helped but not as much as I had hoped. I am just waiting for this new wave of hurt to pass. I know it will. I'll try to keep in touch. Just in a low place right now.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello you! Awwww. I do feel for you. I do remember - all of it. (((((((((((((((((((BIG-SIBLING HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))) The act of writing them still counts as Closure (especially if you told him off in them), but obviously you haven't had a chance to feel any benefit/difference because - Bam! - this latest, inconveniently-timed, big, grief-wave has hit. (When was the last?) Alternativamente - if you liken a grief-wave to one puking bout out of a series (food-poisoning), which obvs is for getting the pathogens OUT of your system - it may well be that this grief-wave is in reaction to the thought of what posting them symbolises: Burying him. His funeral. And it doesn't even matter if you then failed to post them. Point is, you wrote them ....and then read them back in-order, like some long relationship post-mortem...and, next, intended to post them AND then came "this" close (which proves they were completely true)... It would have worked as his Rap Sheet. So you must have seen/read for yourself - all in one place at one time - why HIS knowing all of this would be utterly pointless in terms of trying to get him to "see" or "understand" (or give a shite). BECAUSE HE'S A CORPSE and always was (well what ELSE do you call someone who had their heart cut out (or even did it themselves?), and you just didn't realise the full magnitude and meaning of it until now. So as you drove past the P.O., wanting to yet NOT posting the letters was the funeral - burying him - bit. And then getting the idea to just burn them was you coming to terms with what his funeral meant. Not only dead but, by now, stone-cold and well into decomposing. (Sense? Can you see it?) (How MANY pages? Have you basically just written the main bones of a book, by any chance??? Now THAT, getting it published, would make what he put you through, worth it, eh!) It's difficult to me to say for-sure without having had benefit of reading them, though. Because it might equally, however much, be because you can (only background) sense that another Hoovering attempt is right around the corner and thereby trying to upset yourself NOW/SOONER (like sticking your fingers down your throat to force more toxins out), in order to head that off at the pass so that you won't be vulnerable and susceptible when it comes. Or more precisely in your case - another Haunting...one that could possibly put you back on the Recovery Path when you've made such good progress which Sensible You wouldn't want to risk losing.) (I'll bet the way they're written they're as good as you'd find in a book, though. Additionally, it's not exactly a COMMON - or let's say, much TALKED about version of a long-term Covert Fauxlationship, after all, is it. 'Hmmmm.....' Reckon it could be a seller? ...something to think about when you're in the right zone.) Or it may be that you more than anything wanted to under-the-polite-table, beat him up some (with a lecture), to satisfy a need for justice. And who'd blame ya. Meaning, now...realising it wouldn't effect, nor affect him, like that,...the frustration and (what seems like) denial of taking your justice, has proven to be the trigger of this latest wave/puking bout, by having 'echoed' thus reminded you of all the past frustrations and injustices you'd had to put up with/turn a blind eye to/rise above (because not talking about issues so as to resolve them, is the ambient, overriding message). ...Or it could be all the above. Dunno - which ones, if any, ping with you? __________________________________________ Do you want to try something different and this time, instead of padding down to your 'isolation wing' behind the garden shed. Staying and talking? FYI, talking about it is just micro-crying...mini-puking out the pathogens (whereas actually whinging is closer, so faster.) But it's still detox-ing and you know that pennies make pounds, right?...or, more precisely and pertinently - that drips, before you know it but always sooner-than-expected, make a bucketful? That's how to guard against these tsunamis. ALSO, to make projectile puking less shocking, the trick is to wait a minute since the last puke then sip a glass of water, so that, before the next puke, it's now diluted, far less acid, doesn't shoot up your nasal passage (that's the bloody bit I hate most!) So...water in this psychological version would beeeeeeee - what? Have a guess? It begins with F. (...don't - hahaha, it's not that one.) Don't worry...When you're back to tickety-boo, you'll find someone just like Travis in terms of his good bits (and potential actually manifest and in operations), but a far greater proportion of them, plus new good bits, ...NORMAL AND SANE. And a 'dark side' that's just Occasionally Cloudy or a quick Rain Shower. After all, thanks to Travesty, you know VERY deeply what makes you feel good, feel loved, valued, appreciated, and what definitely doesn't...what you are prepared to tolerate, what you're not (ever again), ..what you should do or feel free to do (but couldn't on a disturbed individual), and shouldn't (on a sane, healthy individual) ...or not too soon, etc., etc.. That clear Job Description (with Don't Wants and Rules, made tacit) will come out with your vibe in 10ft Helvetica (so no room for excuses, like, I didn't knowwww, I thought you meant blah or were the type that blah (cue BS)...). Meanwhile - want to try? No pressure, tho. Just an experiment (doing something diff, getting diff results). Have you been keeping a log of your grief waves and duration (and strength out of 10) to ID a pattern, btw? And how's your drinking? Is it your crutch at the mo or have you found yourself having magically cut down?

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hi, I know it's been quite a while. Are you doing well? I'm sure still coming to the rescue of so many ofus that crave the matter of fact wisdom and advice that seems to flow so abundantly from you. I have missed it. I haven't been in a very good place since I last contacted you. I don't seem to be able to shake the depression this time. I am still working at the new place and I am glad to be done with the last place. Unfortunately eating has become a problem again, very little is staying down. Yes drinking is definitely a crutch, but I don't think to the point of being a problem, at least not a serious problem. I haven't heard anything from him in about 7 weeks. I still haven't been able to mail any of the letters but I have almost completely stopped writing them. I don't think I will ever send them. It would just make me feel too ashamed, vulnerable, stupid the list goes on. I just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm still trying. Still wading through the muck and the mire. My reasonable mind knows there will be an end but damn my heart wishes it would hurry up and get here!! Until it does, thank you for everything.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya! Yeah, I'm okay, thanks...bit hot and sweaty, plus having internet and other techie problems (and getting things seen-to urgently is hard over here). I've missed you too btw. Was ready to bump you up but you beat me (and my crap connection) to it. :) If I go quiet again for a while - that'll be why. (Hopefully not.) "I still haven't been able to mail any of the letters but I have almost completely stopped writing them. I don't think I will ever send them. It would just make me feel too ashamed, vulnerable, stupid the list goes on." Normal. It just means that your feelings have moved on significantly from that 'hearts and flowers' prostrating yourself approach. But obviously you're still very much IN the de-toxing and grieving process, added to which, remember - emotions can lag behind cognitive dot-joining and epiphanies - very frustratingly - so the progress won't be perceptible to yourself. All you know is you still feel bad. You'll have to keep relying on me and your other trusted Constants and believe our feedback. There's the other aspect: your brain is fast and is getting through this exceptionally quickly, which is like the psychological version of being in labour, on Oxytocin (it intensifies and speeds up the contractions). You're getting short & sharp, in other words, hence are already on the last few miles of Depression Alley as then joins Acceptance Avenue. Once on that cusp, what happens then (which is again really annoying) is you start ANOTHER grieving course over the fact that you can feel you're getting over him, meaning, soon he'll be history...'someone you just used to know'. Again, it's the letting go after the funeral. And it's a fecking endurance test. But it's that which makes you so much stronger, prouder, more confident, more brave and intrepid, more intelligent, even more empathetic. I do wish you'd release your anger the direct way, though, because that will definitely be making the 'contractions' more painful than necessary. Plus, it is the 'shuttle service' to you transforming into a Supernova Empath (from whom Narcs skiddaddle/don't dare take on). You definitely have the makings. ...which leads me ONTO your pain-relief: What you do is re-write those letters (which will probably be a lot shorter and to the point) in such a way that DOESN'T embarrass you to yourself. You make them less over-generous spirited, etc. - to suit his crimes and to give yourself as much right as any other wronged person: expressing your anger and howling-out your "Ows" - in front of someone (or failing that, in the mirror). N-Spaths DO KNOW right from wrong. But they don't care enough to fight their compulsive, self-gratuitous, sick ego drives and impulses. Simple as that. And their illness disposes them to ENJOY having that huge level of power over someone impressive/admirable, i.e. knowing he's fooled you into believing he's your life partner rather than a convenience-driven, temporary lodger-sponger who 'pays' with a faked relationship (starting with a fantasy Honeymoon) as if that's some perfectly acceptable and symbiotic exchange, despite, how COULD it be when it was non-consensual due to his serious witholding of truthful information and reality? Never MIND, e.g., hiding your car-keys or claiming you didn't tell him whatever you know you did and all that ollocks. The entire set-up itself is a massive-massive Gaslight. Let's tell it like it is: it's a drugging, kidnapping and brainwashing. He should have been in jail for THAT too! Remember, that's BIG. So the reality crashing-in is a head-fck. You can't just get over it when and as fast as YOU want to or it wouldn't work to in future guard you against. Especially if you refuse to turn on one of your detox taps and finally have an indelible rant and thereby create his Rap Sheet. It's no good grieving as if he were still a fluffy bunny who just got confuuuused and lost his way/mind. Your mind knows darn well it's not who he is and that he needs to be strung up so that he never dared treat people like that again. How DARE he waste 8 long years of your life, what was you in your PRIME! He has seriously obstructed, interrupted and impeded your love-life. Thus he also needs to be stopped for a good few years from doing/continuing to do this to god only knows how many other innocent people - many of whom may NOT be as strong, tough and resilient as you and/or have little kids who end up affected alongside. YES, there is fantastic Lemonade to be made out of that basketful of lemons (never any thanks to them!)....but it ain't genuine Lemonade if it's flat. Never feel ashamed for being a healthy, working specimen, just because it didn't work on a (for a long time) secretly out-of-order one. If you'd paired-up with a normal bloke, everything you did towards and for Travesty would have worked beautifully. He's the stupid one. Because he's irreversibly damaged. He doesn't even know what a real Catch is, let alone what to do with one, bar what works best out of what he's learned to mimic (whilst it served him to). You were his JOB, Thea. His JOB. As his fake girlfriend and secret mum come financial supporter/bolsterer. Please just give it a try? ...now? ...finally? It can't hurt? But it can heal. Just----I dunno - tell him off here for one particularly galling thing and see if it feels good, lessens the internal pressure, yeah? 'If you don't sort your issues you'll run out of tissues' (- "Mine!" ;)). Are you perhaps punishing and slightly calipre-ing yourself?...trying to ensure you have a far harder time than need be so that you won't want to go anywhere near a man in that regard once you're finished, yet fear you'll forget or something and/or have trouble resisting if someone tasty hit on you? Have you got a high libido, say? (You probably do, actually, from not having sprogged (your repro instinct's perception:) 'yet'? Are you sort-of scared of men in a romantic context now? That happens a lot, too. (Fingers crossed this posts...)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: Check out StillStuck (not any more!). She instinctively *wants* to have a damn good rant at him on her thread - and I've said, please do! Maybe if you see her do hers first it'll give you the confidence to do yours?? I do verbal ranting and roaring (punching the sofa cushions) and then convert the rest into wittily-scathing poetry. And I stay usefully angry so that when they've tried to Hoover by phone, they basically get a, eff-off you nasty little creep of a cripple and take your cheap and stupid brand of Heroin and Hob-Nailed boots with you! I've even used the words - You're fired! Interestingly, not ONE has ever argued with that...haven't even broken stride! Because they know it's the unbridled truth and don't even want to touch on it. Popular victim-survivor meme: People who love you don't abandon you. Only Users do that. Did you never hear how Depression, particularly on Empaths, is simply unexpressed/repressed, banked-up anger? If it's not let out - preferably in front of someone (to make it really real) - it does a U-turn ('turns in on you') and literally takes itself out on YOU. Which adds to your pain and grieving workload. Which as I say, is what's happening. Because in all other respects you're really fast. So you're out-of-kilter at the mo. as well. Head and legs near the chequered flag (on that last, seriously challenging lap) but (angry) heart still a whole lap behind you. What that equates to you doing, is known as, continuing the abuse FOR the abuser, even when he's not or no longer there. Sorry to keep nagging but that's how important it is. It's the psychological version of refusing to do a poo, keeping the waste and toxins in your system, or even (sorry, but) eating your own diarhhea and thereby sending it round your system again. Moving very swiftly back to the labour-pains analogy! : You can't just lay there and rely on the psychological contractions, Thea. To re-birth yourself (New, Upgraded You), and not get delayed or stuck in the birth canal, Current/Old You has to join in and push. And the point when you do that is when the pain really peaks. (Apologies for the seemingly crass birthing analogy but it's a long-time, standard one of mine, being as how it fits with and explains more clearly and closely with the physical event than any other.)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PPS: "It begins with F. (...don't - hahaha, it's not that one.)" Answer: FUN. When was the last time, that you can recall, that you had any type of fun? I'll bet you're gonna tell me it was months and months ago. People always forget about that absent antidote, it just doesn't occur to them. It's too easy not to go out when you feel like crap but (1) even if you force yourself, you generally tend to get sucked in and have a good time anyway and (2) these are REST AND RECOVERY windows too. Without those, victims tend to be too instantly Hoover-able. Quitting/giving-in to the Depression phase is what happens to people who don't know to take breaks whenever they're tired. And, again, the last lap of the long-distance race is always the hardest.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Just a quick funny while I digest your advice. My father, adoptive but truly the man I consider my father, was an anesthesiologist. He was involved in countless deliveries. He had a funny story he still tells about a woman who actually named her baby pitocin, that is the name of the labor inducing drug you mentioned here in the US. Evidently she was so relieved when it was administered by my father that she decided on that as a name!! It still gives me a chuckle 😃.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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NO WAY!!! Seriously????? (PS: Hi!) (Puter seems okay again, thank god.) Mind you, it's better than Pethadin. ....not much, though. How many bloody drugs had they given her¿! Mind you again - you've called your 'baby' Shithead so you can't talk, hahahaha! PPS: I take it you're aware we have a senior threatre nurse on here at the mo?

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hello again, I know it wasn't a holiday weekend for you but here in the US we had a long Independence Day because it fell on a Thursday. I took some of your advice and I went to see my biological parents up in the georgia mountains. I left fairly early Wednesday and spent the night. It's about a 2 hour drive and they live on around 17 acres in wonderful privacy surrounded by nature. I picked fruit and vegetables from their garden and came home with eggs I gathered from the chickens they keep. I haven't visited them since Travis went away, probably close to a year and a half. I just didn't trust myself to be able to not break down and I didn't want to put that burden on them. It was extremely relaxing, nice to get out of the city and away from work and such. I met up yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in about a year. She lives in Florida, right on the most beautiful white sand beach, a place called Destin, it's on the gulf of Mexico. She is contemplating a divorce from a man that checked out of their marriage many years ago, I've known her for almost 15 years and although I can remember when the marriage was happy it was not for much of that time. She and I discussed my moving down there with her if she actually goes through with it. That would be a dream for me. I love the ocean and the sun. Hot weather is my jam!! It would also get me away from here and put distance between us when he is released. Jax is convinced he will come begging once he realizes how much he threw away and I think she's probably correct. I've got a lot to figure out but it is nice to know I have options!

I feel like my life is falling apart

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"Hello again, I know it wasn't a holiday weekend for you but here in the US we had a long Independence Day because it fell on a Thursday. " Oh, yes - July 4th. I had my mind on the fact that the Fake Tories finally got rightfully and over-due-ly spat out (didn't care about by whom - NO IMPORRRRTANTE!). "I took some of your advice" Only some? (*shakes cartoon fist*) "and I went to see my biological parents up in the georgia mountains. I left fairly early Wednesday and spent the night. It's about a 2 hour drive and they live on around 17 acres in wonderful privacy surrounded by nature. I picked fruit and vegetables from their garden and came home with eggs I gathered from the chickens they keep. " Oh my God that sounds so picture-perfect and therapeutic, wow! You LUCKY GIRL! (Sorry - Gal...Woman...Female...ach... - 'Titted One' - how's that? I'm afraid I failed my P.C. exams, just couldn't get my brain around most of it...can't think why...) "I haven't visited them since Travis went away, probably close to a year and a half. I just didn't trust myself to be able to not break down and I didn't want to put that burden on them." Oh, Thea! Thea-Thea-Thea. This will NOT do! THESE ARE YOUR PARENTS! It's not a burden, it's a PRIVILEGE! One they especially should be hungry for! Why aren't you feeling free to be treating them like your folks and automatic therapists? Who started THAT kind of stiffness? I told my parents EV-ER-Y-THING - including stuff they didn't even WANT to know! We're going to have to teach you how to TAKE what's rightfully yours, oh Little Miss Non-Squeaky Wheel. I mean, that alone will transform your world! You really are under-squeaky, it's not something I've only just noticed but obviously we had a bigger fish to fry and it could wait. Well...seeing that - this is going next on the agenda, you betcha. You "don't deserve" it, do you. So daren't "push it"...'rock the boat', all of that - yeah? It's usually the parents that set the tone (especially the father, actually, irrespective of any modern-day conscious ideals and isms). "It was extremely relaxing, nice to get out of the city and away from work and such." I'll bet it was! Maybe that's another reason you don't want to rock the boat, eh? Understandable. It sounds like something from a film! (Thuuuh hiilllzare aliiiive, with the soound of muuuuu-zik(-AHH AHH-AHH AHHHH)... The something-something-somethinnggg...something some-thing EEEEGGS....) "I met up yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in about a year." Oooh - Something New and positive/happy! "She lives in Florida, right on the most beautiful white sand beach, a place called Destin, it's on the gulf of Mexico." I've *always* liked you (and all your friends), ya know?....I've ALWAYS said you were a good egg and.........HAHA, worth a try? How jammy. :) A Turbo Booster RIGHT when you needed it! What were the chances, eh? I know where YOU'RE going this Summer, don't I just! " She is contemplating a divorce from a man that checked out of their marriage many years ago, I've known her for almost 15 years and although I can remember when the marriage was happy it was not for much of that time." AND you're in the same boat (despite you're closer to shore). Oh, look...You've been handed a project AND a trustable friend in-one! Okay. I know signals from Fate when I see them. The Bios can wait until Fate indicates otherwise. (I do as I'm told, me - I've seen what Fate can do and if you ain't pretty, IT ain't pretty, and it's way bigger than us or even Beelzebub...I'm intrepid, not suicidal, haha.) (So, saved by The Belle, eh?) Anyway - edit - ...know where you're going this Summer, don't I just - assuming she's chucked him out by then? Bet she will have now she's got you on-side. What IS this? A Torville & Dean? I've seen pre-cut paths before but yours is positive LANDSCAPE DESIGN! You'll be getting a pigging fountain and comfy bench next! Haha - only joshing. I'm well pleased and grinning my face off, not least because (a-heugh!-toldja-a-heugh!...sorry, tickly cough...) (...damn, forgotten what I was going to say now, haha!, no, honestly I have hahahahaha!) Pray let us continue with this happy post! "She and I discussed my moving down there with her if she actually goes through with it. That would be a dream for me." YES! I was gonna say that! But hadn't got to her yet so was thinking more about moving to that - well - chocolate-box of your Bio folks' place. But this is even better! " I love the ocean and the sun. Hot weather is my jam!!" Me too! (Just not humidity...ugh...not a fan of Saunas of steamy masochism pods as I call them.) You'd have to take your time, no rushing, though...And for example, sub-let your place until you were sure it were safe to make the move. What's her background, then? How and for how long have you known her? "It would also get me away from here and put distance between us when he is released. Jax is convinced he will come begging once he realizes how much he threw away and I think she's probably correct." Yeah. Wasn't sure you were ready for that yet but clearly you are. But it depends on a lot of things, whether he would or whether he'd do the opposite. I was going to advise you to send "a" letter to basically let him know you had his number so that he'd want to stay - him and his 'affairs' - well away from potentially Whistle-Blowing you. That can wait for now but go on the agenda, too. YOU'VE GOT PARTYING TO DO! "I've got a lot to figure out but it is nice to know I have options!" Ab-so-lucking-lutely! But - Party first! The figuring out will wait (he ain't getting released next month or anything) - or just gimmie all the data you've got and I'll do it and you can just check it and correct it afterwards. Here!...if Jax went too, you three could be the real-life Golden Girls! :) (Sorry - 'gals' - aww, I don't know!) No, wait, there were four... Yeah, I always did like you... (Har har) I'm already jammy enough. ;)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Oh, sorry - you said you've known her 15 years. Edit: How did you meet her, originally? Another question: is it just you and I on here again, now/still? Or did Jax or anyone else get to see our site-name whereby they could see/read independently of you? Reason I ask is in case he had (insane and illigitimate) reason to follow you out there - in which case, best not to get any more locationally specific than you already have. Also, depending on your answer, it might be a sensible idea to delete those words out for you. RSvP ma cherie. You've obviously never been a fugitive from La-La Land before, though. Stick with me, kiddo - I'm a pro. Had to be. The Soulmate gap is VERY big and/or if walking away isn't adequate counter-punishment, the Soulmate smack-back, even bigger. (They do not understand what real strength is, they've been raised on macho and selfishly-self-protective BS). I'm STILL being stalked by many - remember? Just because (haha) I smashed their until-then reliable world-view (delusion!). That's why I only ever say, Spain. Spain is a VERY big place and unless any of my Malig Nexes were secretly Laurie Lee re-incarnate (ref "As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning"), then - (Bart Simpson's voice) "HAH-hah!". And "PPPRRRRRRRRRTH!". And - "Go on, then - come get me if your latest prey is rich enough to afford you the 5-year trekking costs! (...probably would by now, just to have a nice long break from you!)". And - "Haven't you had enough? Are ya thirsty for MOOOORE?". And - "Who's the stupid dumb expletive, expletive, C-Word, *now*, you disgusting yet pitiful, jumped-up, deranged non-person chavvy thieving cripple of a father-hating AND mother-hating, lazy-brained LOSER and cheap-prostitute who isn't even fit to breathe anything but my carbon-dioxide - you AND your mini-narc-psychopath supposed-daughter-and-child-thing - Chucky Junior! - whom all along was just *too* full-time disgusting, alarming, disturbing, vexing, completely turned evil and non-stop seething with it, even to pity, thanks to your so-called fathering (s)kills! I have never in my life come across a toddler into child that I found utterly-splutterly IMPOSSIBLE to like or even find cute and entertaining, even a tiny bit, nor wish to even accidentally touch! Even the look of her face was disturbing! ...Here -maybe I'll finally come after *you* at some point, instead, you cowardly child-killer, eh? Yeah....you know I would.... And if you still don't, I have final evidence of your being Benny from Crossroads's thicker cousin". And then finally: "And now tell me, Mr Telepathic Know-It-All aka Paranoid Void - how many finger am I holding up? Short version: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPP! Have your hot, stinky air back. IN YOUR FACE where it belongs." (Am I finished? Hard to know...hahaha.) Haaah...., though. Needed, that. Been dying to say it for the last nearly four years but timing is everything with those scummy nasty-minded little puffed-up feral animals with the barely-brains to match (and repulsive personal habits that they positively flaunt in-front of you). (Haha - no - clearly NOT finished...) "When God gave out brains, you thought he said drains, and asked for a cess-pit of a one. When God gave out lips, you thought he said chips, and asked for big, fat, greasy ones. When God gave out eyes, you thought he said pies, and asked for crusty ones. When God gave out morals, you thought nothing because had fallen asleep due to possessing the mental powers and patience of a FLEA!" Thassbedder. So, then, this weekend, that's - the physical expulsion of a virus' remnant (remarkably short-lived squits) followed right-here-right-now by its psychological counterpart. And I had no hand in it (not that I would have...given myself the squits, haha). Interestink... Here, have you seen the latest? One poor OP guy's got a fake wife finally showing her true colours, who's trying to put him off ever wanting to have sex with her again (or would be if he didn't have the tolerance and patience of a saint) as well as subtly but not-so-subtly rubbing her affair in is face in the most digusting and shameless way you could imagine. And this is supposedly a WOMAN. Ey dyon't thyink syo, nair.... In fact, thinking about it - that's what's triggerred me! She/It reminds me of my giant Nex-Spath at that stage. Yeah, that's what it is. BLEEEUGH. Scum-bums... Your pride thinks - How did *I* - Lady/Lord Asquith-Smithely-Farquhar-The-Second (- purely morally-speaking, obvs - in fact, make that Sister or Father Asquith-etc.! -) - end up with bloody Wayne/Waynetta Slobb from the Dark Side's version of Henry Enfield & Chums??? What the bleedin' f**k??? Did the world just go INSANE or something???? Am I still on planet Earth? Where and how the hell did this...specimen....this THING...so seamlessly and imperceptibly emerge from without my having really, properly noticed...woken up to it - until now, today? Who is he, even?! Is this a real-life slow-moving Invasion Of The Body Snatchers and the snatch has finally completed?! Who IS this person? He is nothing LIKE the person I met and agreed to go steady then live-in with? Where's his alleged love of beaches and all the other deal-making "me toos!"-with-supporting-actions gone?! Most of the time he's like something from a comedy horror-film that's as ridiculous and funny as it is disturbing and distressing! Where the beep does one even FILE this?!! Which sounds alot like - 'And you may say to yourself - This is not my beautiful wife?....This is not my beautiful house?! And you may ask yourself - How on earth did I get here?!' (or something like that)...Waterfalls(?)....by Whatstheirfaces...aww...naaaaargh...70s-80s New Wave cult band...you know... Lead singer David wotsit...er - Burns? I recall I remembered and mentioned it fairly recently but it's gone again. S'too hot n sweaty to Google, though. My hair is wet and has been for days. Oh god....the last fortnight of July into August next. Will it actually kill me this time round, I ask myself? I've made preparations so that, bar nighttime housework and possibly having to give in to airconditioning (makes me nauseous in my head...albeit, saying that, my living-room does have high ceilings and *doesn't* feature 149 other passengers so maybe I'll be nicely surprised?)..., I'll be free to flop and gasp again like a stranded fish (don't be silly - Monkfish, of course, hahahaha), but,...mehhh...will they be enough or should I just move my furniture into my pool and be done with it? Worried about Scopes, as well, over on Lily31's thread; he had a hard time with it, too. Kinda frazzles your jello...think it's already started, hacktually. Some friends own a hotel very close to the beach and I'm seriously tempted to ask them how much for a fortnight (mates rates, hopefully) so that if it's too hot here to (kid you not) go out to the car, let alone get in it, and/or haven't the energy to move, anyway, I can order a nice, cool, taxi and switch to there...and their pool and terrace is LOOOVELY and the hotel inside, equally lovely (authentically old Spanish with mmmmmassive carved wooden doors and super-high ceilings, all of that), the perfect level of Cool. Food's good, too. It CANNOT be anything near the prices you're charged per week for those front-line or even second and third-line apartments available to rent. What was it I was quoted last summer? A bleedin thousand, two-hundred euros per piddly week? They were 3-Star at most! I know, I've been inside one of them. On yer greedy bike-os! Sorry - should have explained this first: forecasters reckon this Summer is going to be even hotter (which undoubtedly will bring its best friend, Humidity) than last! HOW??? How is that even possible?! Still, on the (er) plus-side, just sitting out in the sun/in the pool for a short 10 minutes or in the shade for 20 is enough to turn me brown, lately. You still awake? Fancy a chat about nothing and everything? I was asleep almost non-stop from Friday night til Satdee night! Missed virtually all of Saturday! Then I had a quite brief episode of the squits (viral swan-song??) and couple of hours later felt better, bar still sleepy enough to go back to sleep again. Not now, I'm not! If you're indisposed, I'll turn on el radio and listen to British Forces Broadcast Service that I discovered recently - it is FAB, really top shelf stuff in terms of music playlists! Bit of a self-unaware branding, however. So whereas with Greatest Hits Radio (which is no longer available via Sky) always made me giggle with its constant self-advertising blurb that, thanks to the lack of enunciation on the part of the voiceover artist, went - "You're listening to Greatest Tits Radio", and, "Where all the best tits are found". Oh, how I laughed. But NOW, equally entertainly, we have "BF BS Radio!" and I chuckle and think, 'Awww...don't be so hard on yourselves, it sounds perfectly true and informative to me?". How come no-one at either of these stations ever noticed that, eh? Or is it a deliberate inside joke kind of thing? I mean - I'd maybe feel like giving the copywriter(s) a bonus for the free giggle, but I'd still be duty-bound as a professional marketing manager/director to fire the agency and re-produce the announcements at their expense, for that massive slip-up. Or is it just me? Maybe they ARE deliberate jokes? Weird bugs going around, lately, though. Am wondering if they're Covid off-shoots, now milder but never before experienced, and either still apt to linger for too long OR t'other extreme of being mere 24-hourers like the one I've just had. What about your neck of the planet? (- haha, I nearly typed 'your end?') (geddit?). What's the weather (and viruses) like there at the mo? Just realised I haven't eaten all day, either (too cloyingly hot!) and it's already tomorrow (5 past five, jeezuz)... But - Florida.....WHITE sand....practically Caribbean.... Woooaaah. And if it all checks out? "Thanks Fate and Gran". ;) Mind you - could you move there anyway at any time if you wanted? Or is it like emigrating in such a vast country as The States? Which reminds me! OMG - Trump again! What's the latest?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Let's try again: David Burns, lead singer with.....aaaargh...gnnnnnn..... I nearly had it! How irritating. But the temperature has finally dropped - quite suddenly actually (or my patterns-recognition programme's got even sharper of late??) Going to give in and google it.... Talking bloody Heads - of course, and it's NOT Waterfall (that was...oh, don't start, jeez), it's "Once In A Lifetime" - duuh?! And it's Byrne, not Burns-But back to biz for a tick because I STILL think there could be a stash of cash buried in your house which would REALLY be his reason for begging. Sorry, but it's what his level do. Please put yourself in his stinky shoes and ask yourself, Why WOULDN'T a petty conman crook including domestic parasite like that, in his position, having had ample notice of what's coming as could plan his release and, you now know, around about that same period had just done a Cashpoint-crawl to the point of destroying his own credit-rating, bury his future income at your place? But I didn't pay attention to the lyrics at the time, it was during my divorce that my head whipped up and the lyrics resounded. And then the next line goes: "And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack". What's a shotgun shack - do you know? Does that mean when it's been a shotgun wedding or something? But It fits. With everything. ...His utter reluctance to piss you off combined with his refusal to reassure you of any lover-based commitment (as comes across to the uninitiated as cowardice about breaking it off "after everything" but so is NOT). His attempt to BOGOF-style instill a false sense of competitiveness in you by TELLING you there was another, with- or soon-to-be-with-child woman in the frame, with, I've decided totally against prior character and completely out-of-the-blue, not to mention a full 180-degree contradiction to the historical facts, that I wanna be a Dad? Re-hooking you and using a brand-new hook when CLEARLY he didn't give a shite about you as a sentient human being SO WHY TRY TO TIGHTEN THOSE HOOKS when he could have phoned and let you down gently at ANY TIME, which just boils down to this: You've still got something he wants or will want, but it ain't you. See it? Followed by, "And you may find yourself in another part of the world". Is that when the adultering husband not just abandons you and your kids but seemingly has no trouble in moving thousands and thousands of miles away? Well, I interpreted those lyrics as about divorce, anyway, particularly with the next line about - And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile (what - meaning, a people-carrier when he swore he wouldn't want to have/have any more kids nor re-marry? And - sorry, but - it's me job to have to ask these difficult questions so... How come she is encouraging you to go when surely it'd mean her having to find new digs, uprooting herself again, usually a major inconvenience? How does she know he'll come begging? How well does she know him and for how long compared to you? Has she asked you to sub-let to her or let her take over the rental? Because - seriously? She's THAT incredibly altriustic and self-sacrificial, even in her allegedly still-recently-injured state? Not sure I buy it, missus. My nosie is twitching and I smell a rat. In fact, I can't shake this, haven't been able for months, and to the point where I don't even CARE if anyone on the secret dupe or con can read this, that still doesn't mean they could outwit me (or you); not one single one ever has, even with restraints and obstacles far tricker than merely remote snooping. You and I might have been talking behind the scenes for all they know and are doing this deliberately as a set-up, crime unit at the ready? The marital Nex tried that one - remote snooping, I mean. Haha. Sssssilly boy. Talk about made to boomerang. First time I ever saw him go overtly, properly, mental (Narc-Rage mantrum). He even openly fisted his hands whereby I had to put mine up up to counter-intimidate him back out the door again ("get ooorff may property, air!"). Annnyhooo...cheers for the inane, extra-extra stream-of-consciousness chatter and lyrical analysis on my part, going to finally eat something now. I'm ravenous. Or is it ravishing? I always get those two mixed up. ....Why, Miss Jones, but you look ravenous without your glasses... Nope! It's ravishing and I'm just ravenous, haha. Do me a favour and inspect every inch of your garden and notice if the grass is different or lawn lumpy or whatever. Could you hire a metal detector for the weekend? My mind won't rest until this is done. I really think you could be sitting on a bit of a fortune, my luv. Seriously. Swat they do. This is confidential between you and I/this forum, btw. Okay? But I'll end on - 'Letting the days go by (let the water hold me down), Letting the days go by (water flowing underground)...Water holding you down which comes from underground, eh? Or does he mean flowing underground as in, flushing the loo/emptying the bath? And - 'After the Blue again (after the money's gone)'. Hmm.... And then - 'Same as it ever was, same as it ever was' repeated over and over at the very end. What - same shite, just different location? Becauase he's his enemy, not his ex-whatever, ergo trying to improve himself by changing location didn't work? (Sounds a bit characteristic, that, don't you agree?) And apparently, I've just read, he abandoned the band without any warning, which left the remaining band members upset. (...And so does that.) Night - er - Morning, then! Norning? Definitely yawning.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Well hello! You were definitely in a mood last night! I think it must be a good feeling to be so clear about your feelings and able to put them in words to share with someone else! I don't think I have reached that place yet but I am working towards a time when the anger and offense overcome the hurt and sadness. I am familiar with the talking heads and they were part of the soundtrack of my college years. Very nice reference! I was already asleep when you messaged last night. There are 2 huge soccer tournaments going on right now and my new place of work is getting everyone in Atlanta who wants to watch, or at least that's what it feels like. I hear what you're saying about Travis not knowing where I might move but he knows my friend and where she lives, he and I have been to visit her several times. I believe they are also friends on social media so it wouldn't be anything I could really hide from him. It really doesn't matter as he will not be able to leave the state of Georgia for many years even after he is released. I'm not worried about him stalking me, at least with the intention of doing me any harm. I'm more worried about him trying to renew our relationship for his own benefit. Wearing me down with apologies and excuses, trying to convince me that he really does love me. Being in a place he can't get to would take care of that! It would place an obstacle for both of us, a kind of cushion to prevent what I'm thinking will probably happen when he realizes what he thinks is waiting for him isn't. I have cleaned every nook and cranny of the house, vents and crawl space, the yard etc. There is nothing hidden here. If he had a stash it's somewhere else! As to how I know my friend in Florida, well that is a story. I was very close friends with her brother. He introduced us, took me down to visit her several times. She and I hit it off immediately and formed a friendship that has endured. He took his life in 2018 and Travis and I were the ones to find him. It was a terrible experience for both of us but calling her and telling her was even worse. She hadn't been able to reach him for close to a week and called me to ask if I could go over to his house and check on him. I think I had had a drink with him at our local watering hole a day or 2 before so I wasn't terribly concerned. When we got to the house his dog was in the backyard and he wasn't answering my call or the door. We went around the back of the house and let ourselves in through the rear door which he always left unlocked. We found him in his bedroom, he had used a small caliber gun. We called the police and then her. It was traumatic to say the least. She and I will always share that experience. But so will Travis and I. He was so strong and so supportive through the whole process. It was, what I thought, something that showed his character and his love for me. He gave me strength and kindness in such a horrible time. Well there I go again, remembering what probably never was.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Not ignoring you, just super-busy at the mo. Be with you asap.

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
Hope you are doing well. I can't imagine how busy your life is if you put the time and effort into every person asking for your help as you do for me. I finally have a couple days off after 12 days straight. 12 super busy days! The money was great and it was so much better than doing that kind of busy stretch at the last place I was. That said,12 days was rough! My whole body and mind feels drained. Of course a few days ago Travis decided to call. I'm an idiot but I talked to him. He was so sweet and kind. Told me how lonely he was and how much he misses me. He went on about all of the physical problems he is having and was absolutely indignant at the level of care he is receiving. He complained about how hard he is working and all of the places he is being sent for work. Evidently there have been multiple fires and, being in the prison fire program, he has had to respond. Now keep in mind the fire program is something he chose, not something he was assigned to. He jumped through multiple hoops to be accepted into the program and, although it does entail work, it also comes with a ton of freedom and benefits that the rest of the prisoners do not get!

I feel like my life is falling apart

THEA1 profile image
I let him rant. I listened to everything he had to say. I honestly spoke very little. I won't lie it was kind of wonderful to hear his voice. I felt myself falling right back into "us". When the call was over I sent him a message through the prison approved system, it usually takes 12 to 20 hours for him to receive it and it costs me a couple bucks. I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. That if he doesn't want a life together then he needs to move on and stop hurting me. He responded today telling me that he loves me and wants to keep me in his life but he just doesn't feel for me what I feel for him and he doesn't see a future for us together. I'm not sure how I feel about it but I think it's important that maybe it is 100 percent. That I finally told him that I won't be there for him anymore.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Heya! Sorry. Sh*t's been hitting the fan with everyone I know and I'm The Shoulder, as you can imagine. Also too humid as well as too hot now. Just sweating non-stop every day, drinking water, juice tea, coffee like a fish...er a fish who likes juice, tea and coffee obvs haha. It's giving me a dodgy tum, though, on-off since last Thursday. NNNOT so good. "I think it must be a good feeling to be so clear about your feelings and able to put them in words to share with someone else!" It's just practise. And encouragement. As a toddler and kid, I did have friends my own age but truthfully was more into adults, and the more elderly and wise, the better. I used to go knocking around any new neighbourhood after school, where the grans and/or grandads lived, knock on their door and ask if they had any war stories and photos. One, I knew they were lonely because my dad's mum confided that to me when I stayed with her during the summer holidays, and two, I was fascinated with WW2 and the Holocaust (found one of my dad's books and that was it!). And after the slideshows and what-not, out came the personal feelings stuff. Plus my dad was always the first to notice if I was looking 'off' and insist I join in him in his study to tell him what was wrong, and then talk me through it. It's just practise. Plus, when adults sense they're in the presence of a "little adult"/Old Soul, they can't help but start talking to you as they would another adult. ...bar ones that aren't adults themselves - e.g. I recall asking my Uncle why he was always so condescending. I was 3. HAHAHAHAH! Nightmare precocious kid for-sale... My son was the same at that age: "...I dust gon' move diss cup - okay? - cos it wooks a bit pwecawious" (sliding cup away from table edge) (PS precarious). "Ok, 'Dad'" hahahaha. GOD he was cute! Teachers told us that despite only 5, he could talk and discuss like a 15-year-old; even gave him a school certificate for it. He's clearly my automatic upgrade (cos ex-spouse could barely string an emotional sentance together). Uh-oh - haha! But I'm finding MOST of the GenZs are AMAZINGLY emotionally knowledgeable, insightful and wise. I actually had two GenZs (a young couple - he's English, she's Spanglish but prefers English people) outright ask if we could be friends and meet regularly, yesterday. And I said Yes like a shot! He's only 24 and she's only 18!!!! But I felt like I was with age-peers! Blew me away, they did! Their intelligence level and emotional articulation skills are incredible. Same as my son and his friends. I now suspect I'm a GenZ born ahead of time, haha...but seriously. Don't know why I'm laughing so much lately, though...crap, crap and more crap going on. Must be Black Humour... Either that or I'm getting slightly hysterical with the rising mercury and humidity? Also: "I can't imagine how busy your life is if you put the time and effort into every person asking for your help as you do for me. " I can't help it. It's not me. Someone using me as a medium...hahah...I don't know? I became a Shoulder at age 2! I seem to be compulsed, and have a talent for fixing things and problems or modifying them for new uses/benefits... Oh, which reminds me: I hope you got what I was trying to achieve up there? ;) ANY-HOO.... "I don't think I have reached that place yet but I am working towards a time when the anger and offense overcome the hurt and sadness." I like that. That flew straight out at me and I went, 'GOOD!...EXCELLENT!'. Because that's a concession on your part...a decent slice of Acceptance...the truth. You WILL get angry. So angry you might even have a snap at *me or Jax* (just because it's a new tool that you discover you're actually really good at wielding the right way at the right force, but are a bit over-enthusiastic about using at-first). It'll make you feel incredibly empowered...so much so that you might 'keep' that in your hip-toolbelt and vow to use it more often (toned-down and with new finesse, obviously). Your assertiveness goes up, and your confidence with it. Because you have a gun within hand reach (just a dart-gun, but still). And then you'll have it dawn on you, just what you single-handedly kept afloat (a relationship that was close to Normal despite your partner was secretly a walking corpse!), and coped with, and danced around, and had to counter-manipulate...plus what COULD have happened, had you not... (So there ain't nothin' wrong with your instincts and senses, either!). There's Not A Quitter/A Go-Getter & Can Do-er, AND THEN THERE'S *THAT*. Etc. You somehow, single-handedly, with only one paddle, managed most of the time to keep your rowboat STRAIGHT, rather than going round and round in circles before disapppearing in its own vortex, when one partner is finding all the ways under the sun of refusing to do half the rowing with you. Picture that and how a human could achieve that for-real... And picture the physique of the single rower after 8 long years of it. Dat be you, dat be. :) (PS that's Bugs Bunny's voice, not my 3-year-old toddler's, haha) What are you going to do with those scary-looking shoulders, arms, 6-pack, etc., now, eh? :) Answer: keep them mostly relaxed and hidden under your T-shirt but grab for them when needed - the MINUTE they're needed. Mixing my metaphors but never mind, it's too hot to be anal. _______________________ "I hear what you're saying about Travis not knowing where I might move but he knows my friend and where she lives, he and I have been to visit her several times. I believe they are also friends on social media so it wouldn't be anything I could really hide from him. It really doesn't matter as he will not be able to leave the state of Georgia for many years even after he is released. " And when I read this, my heart sank...particularly as, technically, the victim isn't supposed to keep any friends that were mutual...they could, even if normally Decents/Empaths, just not realise they're been manipulated, sent to collect intel, give bad advice, manipulate for him, whatever. (It often IS that ridiculous...the Spath thinks he's a Cold War spy or something equally delusional.) BUT! Then I read this and cheered in relief: "It really doesn't matter as he will not be able to leave the state of Georgia for many years even after he is released. " PHEW! ________________ "I'm not worried about him stalking me, at least with the intention of doing me any harm. I'm more worried about him trying to renew our relationship for his own benefit. Wearing me down with apologies and excuses, trying to convince me that he really does love me." That's what I mean. They don't stalk you with the intention, initially, to do you harm - it IS to persuade and suck you back in. It's when you won't relent that you have to be careful. E.g. the known danger point with (high-on-scale) NSpaths is when the poor wife or husband is walking out the door for-real...i.e. when you try to leave/refuse to get back in, in their presence. WHEN THEY FINALLY BELIEVE YOU. So you DO not open the door to them, no way, no how. When I tried to end the relationship and ask him to leave and go back to his own country was when my "Combo-Man" Narcopath would get violent. Granted, he had to stop doing that because he kept ending up the loser ("Mew! You're abuuusing meee!" / "Self-Defence, actually...and if you don't like taking it then I suggest you cease dishing it" (I NEVER hit first). But then, the last time, why I tricked him out, he went to throttle me. And that is a huge indicator that they plan to kill you (and because they do, they can't resist 'licking the icing' beforehand or don't have the patience to wait-to-plan anyway). So if that ever happens towards you - even if just gesturally (throttling hands a neck-width apart in the air in front of you) run, call the Police Domestic Crime Unit and cut all contact. There are articles on the web about it - Leaving a ((Narcissistic)) Sociopath - Safety Plan, is all you (or your lurkers>) need to type. But anyway - back to - "It really doesn't matter as he will not be able to leave the state of Georgia for many years even after he is released. " - and - "Phew!" HOW MANY YEARS?? "Being in a place he can't get to would take care of that! It would place an obstacle for both of us, a kind of cushion to prevent what I'm thinking will probably happen when he realizes what he thinks is waiting for him isn't." (My dear-departed Dad used to say, 'Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you'. Nowadays it's called, proceed with caution.) MY hope is that he'll happily and eagerly move-in with one of his 'pen-pals' or 'pre-bang-up mistresses/warmed-ups' and that she won't spit him back out too soon, that it'll take HER a good number of years too, to realise his "loveable" side ain't returning or never was genuinely there to begin with, or is just useless now. Although at the same time, obviously, for her sake (if it's a her), I don't. You know what I mean... "I have cleaned every nook and cranny of the house, vents and crawl space, the yard etc. There is nothing hidden here. If he had a stash it's somewhere else!" WELL DONE! And - GOOD! PHEW MARK II! *Now* we can relax. " As to how I know my friend in Florida, well that is a story." I like stories. " I was very close friends with her brother. He introduced us, took me down to visit her several times. She and I hit it off immediately and formed a friendship that has endured." Phew 3! " He took his life in 2018 and Travis and I were the ones to find him. It was a terrible experience for both of us but calling her and telling her was even worse." Wha da uck???? Wha da uckuk again?! Woooooahhhh. "She hadn't been able to reach him for close to a week and called me to ask if I could go over to his house and check on him. I think I had had a drink with him at our local watering hole a day or 2 before so I wasn't terribly concerned." You'd seen him whilst he'd been staying unreachable and silent on his sister? How does that work? Had they had a giant clash? "When we got to the house his dog was in the backyard and he wasn't answering my call or the door. We went around the back of the house and let ourselves in through the rear door which he always left unlocked. We found him in his bedroom, he had used a small caliber gun." Christ Almighty!!!! " We called the police and then her. It was traumatic to say the least. " JUST A BIT?!?!! "She and I will always share that experience." GOD, yes. " But so will Travis and I. He was so strong and so supportive through the whole process." Wasn't he affected? "It was, what I thought, something that showed his character and his love for me." Or the fact he wasn't really affected. But (opportunists that they are), saw his opportunity to be a hero without having to break much sweat. ? You're still viewing him and his intentions through the Normal Bloke lens, Thea. "He gave me strength and kindness in such a horrible time. Well there I go again, remembering what probably never was." Okay, what I've just said has already occurred to you. THAT'S better - keep that up. De-translate and re-translate every mental photo from your mental photo/vid album. You'll see...You'll be able to find a selfish, self-serving, emotionally and/or financial gain or advantage aim for virtually every single thing he seemingly did. (When you're ready, I mean.) It's a good job I'm not still in love with him with you, eh! ...But, it'll come naturally anyway, no wozzies. I just know how to speed the grieving process up, legitimately, by miles, that's all. Bloody had to! Been grieving or accompanying someoneo grieving practically my whole life! But chirpy and content in between. 'Incorrigible'...'won''t be beaten' (add - DOWN and you're right)...'relentless', hahaha. Damn right. (If your mind doesn't do (what FEELS like) Quitting then USE that and HOBBLE THEM. They fcknate me, they do, heheh...I'm hated 'n proud.) Onto your next in a tick...got to water the pots now before the Tiger mozzies come out.... But anyway, I am so THRILLED about the beach-house move for you! What a fantastic pain-killer right now! And a lasting one! You must feel LOADS better for it - yes? PS: wish we could see pictures on here.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Wait - did you look behind wall-mounted pictures? And in the deep-freezer?...IN the frosty plastic food-storage bags/lidded plastic takeaway boxes? And under rugs? What about UNLIKELY places - did you think of those? Me - I found stuff in with MY stuff! Like my big memory box. Places I didn't look in very often. Also the attic, the garage... Found mountains of (foreign) addictive, prescription drugs...clearly illicit for the fact they had been stolen before reaching a Pharmacist's (none of the usual sticky labels, plus boxes CONTAINING boxes). Anyhoo... back in an hour or so... Think I'm just going to spray myself with mozzie killer and shower it off afterwards...

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I'm back! Got texted galore. (Got V waiting, next)... Second post... "I finally have a couple days off after 12 days straight. 12 super busy days! The money was great and it was so much better than doing that kind of busy stretch at the last place I was." How so? Better aircon, more efficient, less rowdy customers - that sort of thing...? "That said,12 days was rough! My whole body and mind feels drained." Yeah, I'll bet! " Of course a few days ago Travis decided to call. I'm an idiot but I talked to him." AWW FFS AWWWWW FFS Meeh.... Oh, well... And HMM...how unlucky it was that it occurred while I wasn't here/posting.... Hmmmmmmm.... Is that just a coincidence?.... __________________________________ You didn't answer my question about whether anyone's seen the forum name on your screen and could log-on here, independently of you. Can you answer it, please? It's super-important. Thanks. ___________________________________ "He was so sweet and kind." Yuh, so sweet n kind...Look at how sweetly n kindly he's been treating you. (Manipulation Tick!) "Told me how lonely he was" (Pity Ploy Tick!) Oh! SSSTRAIGHT-ONTO ME-ME-ME, WAS IT? (Master-to-Servant Tick) "and how much he misses me." Shoulda thoughta that. Albeit...he thought he wouldn't need to because he is so well buffered from all sides by all these secret, unwitting Mummies (and Daddies, I'll bet) (oh, I'll bet HE'S had s*x with someone by now...for a favour). But, no he doesn't miss you. The benefits, maybe, once again. (Some woman outside, or penpal, has ditched him. He can't feel safe, cushioned from real-life responsibilities, duties, etc. without (some of them) up to fifteen unwitting harem members - fif-teeeeen! One bows out, he grabs or re-grabs another to keep his sense of security and safety-netted-ness (it takes them up to 15 secret/unwitting mothers...THINK about that and what level of (mental-illness-symptomatic) insecurity that indicates) (yup). " He went on about all of the physical problems he is having" Me-Me-Me Some More... A bloke who missed you would have been SSSTRAIGHT-ONTO *THIS*: "...and miss you-(leaps into) So how have you been? What's your news and the local gossip?" Clearly, what HE misses, is getting to talk endlessly about Him-Him-Him. To Mummyyyyy. " and was absolutely indignant at the level of care he is receiving." Since when? Anyway, he doesn't have a right to complain. He and only he put himself in there. Irrefutable fact. And even if people don't know the nitty-gritty on being inside, they do KNOW it's no picnic! That common societal consciousness alone is what provides the deterrant. Question: did he crash because of drinking alone or because he was being chased by someone? Nah. I'm sure, actually, he doesn't mind it. But...desperate for Pity-Ploy fodder is as desperate for Pity-Ploy fodder *does*. And - hang on,...Isn't this the same Mr Cocky from 2 months back? Wow, what a total attitude personality transformation in such a petty amount of time! (NOT) PI.TY. PLOY " He complained about how hard he is working and all of the places he is being sent for work." Places?? "Evidently there have been multiple fires and, being in the prison fire program, he has had to respond." I'd have thought he'd have been OVER THE MOOOON to have the opportunity to put all his learning into application already! How queer!...(NOT). He doesn't want to actually have to WORK - HARD. He just wanted the free Kudos of being seen as one and able to go, I'm a fireman. That's why whatever portion of whatever police department is bent. NarcSpaths - narc scammers/rule-breakers (the opposite of professional). For power and ego-boost and advantages. " Now keep in mind the fire program is something he chose, not something he was assigned to." Ahhh - okay - you're with me! (Good-good :)) "He jumped through multiple hoops to be accepted into the program and, although it does entail work, it also comes with a ton of freedom and benefits that the rest of the prisoners do not get!" Yeah. For the EGO-BOOST. And the ton of freedom and benefits that the rest of the prisoners do not geeeeeet. All the perks without the work (that's what the slaveipoos-secret-mum behind closed doors is for). He literally, in his head, is still 10 to 12 years old. At this point, I see this: some of the benefits and perks were the things YOU were supplying (- which doesn't mean he DOESN'T have others on the side, but probably none of them are as good a Primary Supply as you (google)). So as he wants to ditch-in the Firefighting - he needs YOU again. See? Simple! He's a CHILD (AND now away from adult privileges), so it's as simple as it'd be with a child. Oh, and NSpaths like junk food all the time. Onto the next...

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Third post... "I let him rant. I listened to everything he had to say. I honestly spoke very little." JUST LIKE A MUM SHOULD. This is obviously why your not wanting (OTHER!) kids appealed to him in the beginning. No rivals for your attention and constant tending-to. "I won't lie it was kind of wonderful to hear his voice. I felt myself falling right back into "us"." Good, I'm GLAD you felt it. See how HYPNOTISING and alluring it is? Despite he's clearly a thick prat?! Because they SOUND like the acted character you fell in-love with, back again. Ohhh, if only his voice could be transplanted onto someone ACTUALLY grown-up and manly. You should have taped him. Never mind - you'll hate the sound of it soon enough. "When the call was over I sent him a message through the prison approved system, it usually takes 12 to 20 hours for him to receive it and it costs me a couple bucks." (Not cheap ENOUGH!) " I told him I just couldn't do it anymore." MMMWA! " That if he doesn't want a life together then he needs to move on and stop hurting me." Mmmmm-WA! "He responded today telling me that he loves me" ((OHHH, EFF-OFF YOU LYING, POWER-CRAZED, SUPERIOR CREEP, thinking you can still fool her!)) "and wants to keep me in his life" Mee-Mee-Meeee! (Did he even ASK what you wanted??) "but he just doesn't feel for me what I feel for him and he doesn't see a future for us together." 'FUH-RENNNNNDZ....LET'S BE Friends....'. ((YOU'RE NOT FRIEND MATERIAL, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE LIFE-PARTNER-WORTHY, PAL.)) "I'm not sure how I feel about it but I think it's important that maybe it is 100 percent." Huh? What is? " That I finally told him that I won't be there for him anymore." Oh, I SEEEE. *Yes*. (((((((((((((((((((((((PROUD HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Nicely done, gal, nicely done.... heard him out....(so as to get final confirmation that,) yep, is still an over-entitled ahole (nice voice tho)..... Telly-Tubby Bye-Bye (click, brr....) :)

I feel like my life is falling apart

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PS: "How queer!...(NOT). He doesn't want to actually have to WORK - HARD. He just wanted the free Kudos of being seen as one and able to go, I'm a fireman. " And impress the ladies-in-waiting and new pen-pals. Clearly it didn't work or failed to work instantly (no patience). And the work is too genuinely REAL MAN stuff (for which you don't send in a little boy). So he's bored of that tin-opener...wants his perks to continue, uninterrupted, tho. Hee-hee-hee. You said, No ("NAO!!!!!", haha). So he can't leave, now. Or is going to have to try harder to hook someone who (not knowing real him) would be happy to have to see him in a SEWER, and start taking over your old job. Tee, hee and chortle. :) What GOES AROUND........COMES around....aw yesh.... It hath begun. Humour me for a min and remind me of his formal sentance length, Thea?

I feel like my life is falling apart

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Hello again, First things first nobody has access to my phone or laptop, and both are only opened by my finger. I can't imagine an easy way someone would be able to get to this account and Jax is the only person in my life who even knows about it. Of course I guess I could be "hacked " but I have zero social media and other than a couple online word games I don't go online very often. Travis was given a sentence of 23 years, serving 8. That means the easiest he will be eligible for parole will be November of 25, he is eligible after serving 33% of the sentence. Just because he is eligible doesn't mean he will get out. Even if parole is granted he will most likely not be released until January or February of 26. The judge also sentenced him to 2 years of work release once he leaves prison. That will mean him living at the local jail and being let out each day to go to work. Where I don't know, how I don't know. They may provide him with a job and transportation but that wouldn't be much different than what he's doing now. It will definitely be a worse situation than he is in now. Once he completes that he will be on parole or probation for the remainder of the 23 years. That will mean checking in, at least monthly, with a parole officer, drug and alcohol testing, random home visits to insure he lives where he says he does, with whom he says he does. He will not be able to leave the state without approval. He will have to pay for this monitoring! He has a whole world of terrible ahead of him and I was willing to wait, support and endure. Guess that wasn't enough.

I feel like my life is falling apart

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I am curious as to why you were so concerned about anyone having access to this account. Has something happened? Has someone else been posting as me? Is this something I should be worried about? Are you okay? Please let me know asap, I am somewhat confused because of how serious you seemed.

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