Friends not friends

So after a difficult few years and a bad marriage. I started my life again and thought I’d met some good friends. I try and be a good friend. Always there to listen, have an laugh and to help. Last week it was my birthday, 4 of us were going for a meal. One friend forgot and was out shopping with another friend when I asked her where she was. Another gave me a gift of a costume jewellery set that was half missing, the holes where the earrings should go were there, but nothing in them. It had a sticker on that showed it was from a charity shop (she’s not hard up), the other lady got me to pay for a bottle of wine, then drank the lot. I’m very hurt by this. Am I being unreasonable to be hurt?

Hi Monica! :) "So after a difficult few years and a bad marriage." Uh-huh. Let me guess... Question: what's the timeline for all of this: date you met, date you moved-in, date you got engaged, how long it took before you - what - realised you didn't recognise him, couldn't reconcile husband-now with boyfriend-then (the bloke you'd met and dated)? "I started my life again" Describe everything you did, please? And how long after moving-out (or did he move out)? And ditto for receiving the Decree Absolut? "and thought I’d met some good friends." Okay. (We all think that one these days, eh.) "I try and be a good friend. Always there to listen, have an laugh and to help." All the ingredients for success by the sounds of it. Good/tick! (PS there are two other lonely women on the board right now, feel free to say hi and have a chat with them, too?) "Last week it was my birthday," Oh no.... they didn't mess with your bday?.... Sorry, I don't read ahead (like to feel my gut turn to ice or go UGH-HEUGH!). (Don't wanna look now, LOL) "4 of us were going for a meal. One friend forgot and was out shopping with another friend when I asked her where she was." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT?! No! WHAT?! "Another gave me a gift of a costume jewellery set that was half missing, the holes where the earrings should go were there, but nothing in them. It had a sticker on that showed it was from a charity shop (she’s not hard up)," UH!................... You know when you're so appalled and mortified you laugh as a nervous reaction, with your mouth stuck in the Capital O position, i.e. jaw-dropped? Me right now! OMG. "the other lady got me to pay for a bottle of wine, then drank the lot." WOAH-AHHHHH!!!!! "I’m very hurt by this. Am I being unreasonable to be hurt?"" ARE YOU - F**K - NO! NO! NO, NO, NO! I don't even know what to say. A QUADRUPLE BETRAYAL IN ONE FELL SWOOP?! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GIANT HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) When was your birthday?

That's really hit me for 6 that has. I feel close to tears and that's not like me. My god, how the hell do YOU feel? You poor thing. I'm not even going to get started on that coven of cold-hearted witches - OH, BUT I WILL, DON'T YOU WORRY! I think everyone in the world can relate to what this would feel like. Well, you're clearly a conscientious sweetie - look at you - asking if *you're* being unreasonable, jeeeez.... Well...Their loss - our gain...until you find yourself some much be- no - ACTUAL, GENUINE friends, ones who are actually worthy of you - you feel free to hang around with us and join in, missus. As I say, there are other ladies here who've been betrayed in whatever way and feeling as bereft and lost (destabilized) and backstabbed as you, and they want to be able to post pen-pal style with someone(s). Let me know if that would be of comfort to you as an 'on the side' to this thread? I mean, I can chat too, while I'm helping you to get to the bottom of all this, but I'm not as everyday available as them. Oh, wait...did you meet Thing 1, Thing 2, Thing 3 and Thing 4 before, during or after your marriage? And would you say your ex-husband fit the bill of a "problematic personality" with "upside-down, out-of-order attitudes"?

I can't get over this. ALL THREE OF THEM? You must feel absolutely WRETCHED! I promise you faith-no, I GUARANTEE you, however, Monica, that it is nothing to do with you and your worth, no reflection on you whatsoever. It doesn't work like that. It's women who don't work right (- CLEARLY!!!), being given an occasion to 'follow through' on their blah-blah mouths when it comes to "I'm Normal and Healthy and Impressive, really I am", as serves ONLY to expose them as bloody unfeeling androids that are kaput but only now are that they've turned their backs on you, you're finally seeing the wires hanging out, with sparks shooting out of them. I cannot WAIT to find out how the hell you got mixed up with them. (I can feel my anger starting to kick in now so - I'll shut up now and, over to you).

(Sorry - ignore 'Thing 4'. I only learnt to count last week and this week my mind's taken up with mastering my shoelaces. ;)) (PS: Let me guess! You've been their friend for over 18mths to 2 years now?)

(...and edit quadruple betrayal to...actually, no, don't. It IS four: ex-husband included. Or so I'm betting. Yeah, leave it as quadruple) I'm literally stunned.

Hey Monica, I'm here. I'll chat. I read your thread. Those shit heads! Seriously what the _ uck is wrong with people these days? Once the initial hurt subsides it leaves me so angry how people can care less what they inflict on others. I'm not a great religious lady but gee whizz I remember the 'do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you' lesson from my middle school class. Oh...you poor thing. You DO NOT deserve any of that. The fault lies with them and their own internal mechanisms which are clearly on the blink! I'm a stranger. I'm probably far away. We'll never meet BUT I'm here often for a chit chat. Get it off your chest. Trust me I'm an olympic venter yet a good listener and I DO CARE HOW PEOPLE GET TREATED BY OTHERS! We teach our little ones to 'be kind'. One wonders why that ceases in adulthood? No moral conscience or just plain self involved these women. Makes me furious! The World has become so selfish and uncaring. All plastic fantastic. Yep Madonna song quote 'we are living in a material world'. However this girl talking to you is NOT a material girl. I would really like to be a chatty friend. If you'd feel comfortable with that? SM is like nobody I've ever known. Super brains. Never stops. Switched on. Don't know how they do it. Smart. Logical. Great guidance. Knowledge. Power. Not me. I'm normal to boring. No brainiac. Just a woman as confounded by people and the goings on in this World as you are. I'm a cuppa and cake type. Talk away Monica. I'll be back later. HUG FOR YOU! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY. Try to put place it aside for a little bit. I know it will be on repeat in your head. The other week my adult daughters two besties were mean to her for no good reason. She was initially angry saying 'I never did anything', then the tears came. I told her ride it out love. If they have a soul deep down in there somewhere in a few days they'll realise what they did. Their conscience will ping them eventually! Guess what? Three long days later one of them apologised to her (blaming the influence of the other one). Five days later the other one contacted my daughter and said she doesn't know what came over her, she was in a foul mood and apologised. She forgave them. That is more forgiving than I am. I have trust issues. So hang in there Monica. Sorry you got treated that way:(

"Those shit heads! Seriously what the _ uck is wrong with people these days?" I KNOW!!! The decline in quality and decency is really disturbing. We empaths have got to huddle and band together, mate. I'm serious. Safety and strength in numbers.

I’ve been on my own two years and known these ladies for just over a year, around 14 months. I thought we got on well, I thought they liked me, I liked them very much. Obviously they think very little of me. And it hurts. I was married to a narcissist, so it’s drilled into me that everything “is my fault”. How can I find some nice decent friends? Another friend who couldn’t make the meal, asked to meet me the next day. For my birthday, I thought. But no, it was to tell me all her problems, not even a birthday card. This lady I have been on the phone with for hours, listening to her cry, helped her problems, helped her move house, given her things for her home. She said when is it your birthday? I said today, she just said “oh”. Didn’t even buy me a coffee. I just want to curl up under my duvet and stay there.

Oh Monica, Reading this today of all days for me is just so disheartening. I get you. I want to curl up under my duvet also. But we know we can't. We have to get up after a few hours and face the World again. So I know how you're feeling at the moment but how are you thinking? What do you want to do? What will be your next move? Always women in groups end up being clichés of bitches. I've heard it said no female singing pop group stays together long. Why the hell do we judge each other so harshly? Why the heck can't we support each other? Why are women so competitive and always make comparisons? Why are they so vain? How did it end up like this? I don't get the pressure we put on ourselves. This nonsense of successful career, perfect home, perfect husband, perfect kids and great car. Perfect body. Eat only the right food. Watch your waistline. How much jewellery and material objects you have as a sign of success. I simply can't fathom how women get to a certain age and don't realise it is all a farce. A crock of s _ it. None of us can keep up the false image for very long. The ONLY THING that matters in this life is how you treat each other and if you manage to squeeze into your busy schedule time to help somebody out who is less fortunate or down on their luck or whatever. Just take the time out for a genuine and sincere conversation. I'd rather be remembered as kind than successful or thin/beautiful, smart or whatever. I'm boring, conventional and an old fashioned girl. I remember the thrill of a visit to Nanna's. It meant a pot of tea and a genuine, heart felt convo as she made her fresh scones. You'd laugh and it was real not forced or faked. If you said you were cold she'd literally give anybody her jumper straight off her back and say it is still warm love pop it on. She'd invite the neighbour in to watch their fav soapie together. No matter what you were wearing or anything else. It didn't cost a thing to care. I guess what I'm getting at is 'you were liked/loved for YOU!'. I wish those days would return. I wish TRUE FRIENDSHIP FOR YOU MONICA. Just keep telling yourself...the problem isn't you (because it isn't!). The guilt, any blame is on their conscience. I wonder what they see when they look in the mirror brushing their teeth or hair. They should feel ashamed when they see their own reflection. Eyes are the windows to the Soul. You're worth 20 of them or more. Now you are free to find 'your type of people'. They served a purpose for a time. You've grown past them. They can't see the wood for the trees. Their Loss!

Thankyou for your replies. I believe in treating people as I would like to be treated. And I’m not going to change.

Good for you, Monica! But...you and DD are not going to believe this: I've just had the same sort of thing done to me last night and today. Two separate people. Really unexpected and unlike them, though, no Red Flags or warning-signs beforehand to explain it which makes it worse, just lots of evasion. Albeit that one, the fairly long-running friend (FYI Monica I0ve moved from UK to Spain) is going through something...but it shouldn't be enough to pose as justification for shutting-down...again, where's the thought & consideration and kindly reassurance for me? Bloody nowhere. What the serious beep - is there something in the air this month?! As DD will tell you - it's unlike me to be clueless. Talk about being kept in the pitch-dark. Unless there's more going on in their lives than I know - it's total self-absorption, basically, isn't it. Zero consideration for how one's behaviour is affecting others. Or (if there IS a problem) - cowardice. I'm their good friend, each. So I SHOULD know. It's pants, isn't it. What are you going to do, Monica? Just cease contact and communication or just for a bit and see if any of them come forward to apologise and try to make up for it? Or is it too late now? If not, how long are you going to give it before you Tippex them out of your diary, so to speak?

And, Monica - how long have you known them? Did YOU see any indicators that they could behave so unkindly?

Every time I come on here, I have to reset my password. It doesn’t remember, very frustrating. I thought these ladies liked me. Each of them was lonely, I took them under my wing and made sure they were okay. I feel used. If I can’t get on again, I’m not resetting my password. But thankyou for all your kind words. Xx

Really? Can you, on the green banner above - click/pull-down "Support" and choose "Technical Support" to notify Richard? Richard's the Owner and Techie-whizz. Me, I'm the opposite (duuuuuuh - or eek daren't touch it in case it destroys something!). There's something intimidating about mobiles if you haven't grown up with them.

Quick Intermission: DD I've left you a separate message on your thread in case you don't see this one first... Monica, Assuming your logging-in problem can be fixed quickly and that you might be experiencing a sense of loneliness and isolation (usually) - An invitation... :) https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13532/Im-extremely-lonely (just click on it and scroll down to the bottom)

Update on my situationette just quickly first (closure pour vous): One has started to step back up; the other has made a stirring which I'm sure *they* think is reassurance enough, but actually isn't. They want to be careful because I'm not neurotypical, I don't react like other people when it comes to ego-engagement because despite - or because - I'm a "big dog", my ego is seen as under-reactive (not for me, suits me perfectly, but compared to others'). This means, trying to make ke keen/keener by treating me mean, just doesn't work or at best, doesn't take for more than five minutes. Same goes for when anyone is trying to reduce my confidence. Well, were I my own best friend, I'd be well chuffed. That's all or our goals, gals. To KNOW (because you've spent your life putting effort in) that you're a nice, decent, kind, caring, brilliant friend material...to like yourself (a sign of which is enjoying amusing or sitting quietly by yourself, on your own, for hours...days...), and show it by caring for and sticking-up for yourself. If they're acting-out without having given me the means to understand why...where they're at, or are trying to hide the truth while spouting excuses that just don't cut the mustard, I take steps back to where their flailing arms can't connect with me, nor attacking ones under cover of het-up, stressed, whatever (narcs). Either/Or. "Use your big girl/boy words!" and, "Tantrums (which includes silent seething/sulking) should be located THERE, there, and there (not here); otherwise, please assume the Brace position :p". And, even if they've issued a proper-sounding apology - "blah-blah-blah". Words are cheap without action to back it up. You've got to earn back that quantum of Love & Trust. I do not re-proceed without the utmost of caution (emotionally). IOW, play silly-buggers with our bond and trust, and I might turn up physically next time but they'll be able to tell I've introduced an emotional distance and that they're on probation, that's for sure. You can tell when someone's genuinely sorry or not, and how much. You can FEEL it. I'm still not impressed, though, because, even more incredibly enough (is it a full moon?), now, a different friend has been on the phone in tears because after well over a decade of what she was convinced was genuine friendship, she's been discarded! By ruddy text. (WHAAT!?) And it's unbefittingly cold and business-like -but ensures to leave the gate open! (Left warm-on-the-side, anyone?) She showed me the text. I saw all the NPD attitudes, manner, and all other signs in how the woman 'spoke'. And now you're saying your RECENT ex is a Narc and you thought these three friends were genuine as well. Clearly not. Lundy Bancroft ("Why Does He Do That?"...Inside The Minds Of Angry Men) explains best why and how this happens post narc. relationship, but I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Hi Monica, DD's uploading problem is fixed now. How's your logging-in?

"I thought these ladies liked me. Each of them was lonely, I took them under my wing and made sure they were okay. I feel used. " Yes. In a way. The problem is, you didn't know their NORMAL (i.e. no longer injured) was selfish, self-obsessed, thoughtless, not nearly as caring and nurturing as you...all of that. Or maybe they've only just happied up and have gone 'liberation-crazy', too overjoyed to be feeling ok/happy again, too taken up with that, comparitively-speaking, freedom? Or they've always been pretending that normally they were your type, on your level. But now it comes to delivering and - PLEUGH. They can't be your calibre. You were DOWN after your marriage...like you'd fallen down the stairs. And there you met them. You assumed they could climb back to the top with you - especially with your help - but it turns out they're mid-stairs dwellers. Understand? YOU....have recovered and changed. And overtaken them. Say bye-bye (unless they show remorse with effort in the next week or whatever you deem fit). They were probably what's known as, Stepping Stones. Time to upgrade? I mean. would you have wanted to keep them had they divulged the fact long before now that they were so-so friend calibre...flakeys? No, you wouldn't have. You're tall. They're short and were standing - straining, probably - on tip-toes...and now they've relaxed back onto the balls of their feet and voila. You can see they don't measure up. Bleugh. If friends can't even make a right royal effort and fuss of you on your birthday then, THEY HAVE A BIG PROBLEM. You can - and will - do SO MUCH BETTER. You'll start bumping into better types if you say bye-bye and keep climbing up to the next landing. It'll be lonely for a bit but then you'll bump into someone at your level....then another....and so on. They've probably been impeding your own recovery, holding you back. Imagine if you'd put all of that incredible effort into YOU, more than them? This would have happened sooner. It's friendships with a foundation of SHARED, MATCHING MORALS AND PRINCIPLES, all of that, which is the Friendship Supaglue of this world. Circumstances change, so if circumstances were the basis - what you had overridingly in-common - and the circumstance shifts....what's going to happen. "Tim-berrrrrrrrr!". Have you other friendships you can work on instead? If not, endure the 'empty office' for a few months, amuse yourself, keep yourself busy, and before you know it: 'I've really enjoyed chatting to you - fancy swapping numbers and meeting for coffee some time soon'. Either of you will say that. It's just natural. It's in the human script for that place on the staircase. So it doesn't tend to feel at all awkward, just natural...no biggie...don't ask, don't get. I know I haven't done anything wrong, let alone to warrant one of my besties going a bit too AWOL. Everything had been perfectly fine and dandy. It'd have to be so big that I'd already know! Just logical. Or they're all mouth and no trousers, a coward underneath it all? Am waiting-without-waiting to see what happens, that's all I can do, meanwhile, just sending tiny comfort messages. There must be more to her crisis than she's ready to reveal, I guess? This too shall pass. (Getting fed-up with it, though. If it's not one person or group, it's another. They've all been too long bitten and cowed. This friend did fairly early on SAY they found it hard to trust anyone out here. This crisis involving an older friend has obviously set her back. But it is making me reconsider her mettle, because I and my other friends, when we were going through a crisis, still kept initiating texts to say, not ignoring you, just feeling too terrible even for company, please bear with, still love ya - all of that. That's my standard...always, always keep your friends knowing where they stand and why - every step of the way.) It's lonely at the top, eh, Monica (and DD). Still...your new mantra should now be: QUALITY OVER QUANTITY, ANY DAY! Oh, and if they DO come crawling. Do not instantly forgive NOR say "It's okayyyy". It was not. Just say, Thank-you. But only if they show they understand exactly why what they did was SH*TTY AS HELL. Make them have to work for your forgiveness and willingness to keep fraterinising with them. If not - either demote them in your mind to mere acquaintances and wait to fill their gap, or ditch and ditto. How it made you feel, the damage it did, whether it (IT, NOT THEM) allows for giving them another chance, is up to you to decide....is your prerogative. If you can't forgive, that just means - you yourself WOULD NEVER!...EVER!...be that unkind and up your own a*se, on any friend's BIRTH...DAY. In which case, you'll include in with any of those 'casual' (not) getting-to-know-you questions; you'll ask what they did on their birthday, their friends and family's birthdays......you'll know to frisk for attitudes towards birthdays. Other people's. Because Narcs....all types.....LOVE to majorly ruin people's birthdays and other special occasions. It's a main characteristic, a very old chestnut. That's why my own jury is still out regards these three. Please keep us posted? But it's up to them. "Do not waste your time trying to fix bonds that you had no part in breaking". I mean - what did YOU do? Bet I know: you failed to unpack your furniture on THEIR uppermost/ultimate Recovery landing. You took another step up, like you hadn't finished. PULL HER DOWN, PULL HER DOWN!...or she'll leave us as well as make us look bad! Could be subconscious?... could be with high selfishness aforethought. Or Narc malicious aforethought. They have enough rope. See if they use it to fix things or hang themselves even higher.

And btw - this same friend who's 'locked herself in the basement'....it was her birthday 2 months after we met. One turned up but had already had supper (?!?) so didn't eat, just drank, but at least she waas honest, saying she couldn't afford it. Another didn't turn up at all - and neither did her partner - because his (we months later discovered) his narc gf told him he wasn't invited. Another turned up far too late. Another just didn't turn up at all. So it was just me, her mother and her. I was absolutely furious for her (didn't show it til the week later). She learned from that, though, and, yup, started giving her attention exclusively towards her other friends/drinking buddies...and found out that they were really lovely and she'd never realised (- no! Because she was diluting her attention on them with these downright skanks, scuse French). Quality. Not quantity.

I forgot to add: IF, on the other hand, you'd met - or let's just say, become closer friends with these women while dating; early in your marriage; or just during your marriage, then you're looking at this situational analogy as if you were all coins: You believe you've met your soulmate. He seems perfect for you (and says likewise about you). It's then just commonsense (but subconscious) to believe he - his "Heads" side - is the ideal template of 'your type', and to start welcoming closeness with other coins whose Heads sides/faces match his as closely as possible. Trouble is, you hadn't yet seen his "Tails". Now you've got four of the b*ggers. Meaning, after the love-bombing months/year or two, they're going to switch on you too - start Devaluing you or flitting between Sweet and Mean (or in your case, downright cruel and gobsmackingly dismissive of YOUR needs while demanding you still meet theirs ("I'm going off you, work harder, work harder, do for ME-ME-ME and sod you!"). (Sense?) If, however, you'd formed your closer friendship with them while you were waking-up to his true colours, you'd have still had that template in your head BUT it would have been starting to fade or disintegrate somewhat. If that was the case, they'd be, for example, only HALF as bad as him (e.g. NPD but not Malignant or not knowingly)....meaning, an improvement on him, but not much. (Still sense?)