An year after my fiancée & his family humiliated & left me

Hello to the one who is reading & Happy Holidays! This forum has always been a safe place for me. Thanks to the people who thought of it & have made it an amazing space to share true feelings & receive valuable advise. I guess whatever sanity that is left in my case is because of the people who answered previously. For more context, here is the thread I posted a while ago: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13485/How-can-i-forgive-and-forget I didn't want to write all of the details again & basically relive the horror. So it has been over a year now. There have been some positive changes such as I have been able to focus on my job. I smile, laugh & can spend some time alone. However, the problem is that I try to work a lot. Because after I spend some time with myself, I start to think about the person. I google him. I see his achievements. I see how he has reached the heights that I helped him to, yet, I am left alone. Alone, sad, and I am getting crazy now. Weekends are the worst. I keep thinking, I literally practice the dialogue that I will have with him in case we meet again about how he has killed me soul. I dont want to jump back in the dating pool (Well, we have none & also I dont want to). I am stuck. I go in circles. Sometimes, my friend tells me to pick up the phone, and call his mother or even him. Start insulting them. Shout. Curse. But... I can't. Maybe it's because I don't have the guts. Or because I want to avoid this situation. Or, because I feel like cursing will not be enough. He has taken away my smile, my love, my happiness, my feelings from me. I have fallen extremely ill. I have visited neurologist 2 times this year due to extreme headaches, double vision, ringing sensation in my head. It has gotten even worse now. They have now told me to get an brain scan because my headaches have intensified & my vision has been affected a lot. The doctor has constantly told me that I am under extreme stress & anxiety. And whatever I do, I can't bring it down. How can God, or the higher power, or the nature or whatever there is, let this happen to a person with pure intentions? I wanted to marry him. Live by his rules. Respect him. Even give him the control of the money that I earned. Yet, I wasn't enough. He is still updating the website that I made him. Stating his accomplishments. Lives in the USA. Earns $48000 per year. And I am a nobody. Stuck in a third world country. There is a part of me that sometimes want to kill him. I want to kill his mother. I even make plans to kill him. Very unrealistic because its all in my head. And then, there are days, like 4 out of 7 that I would dream about him. Hear his voice & miss him so much. Crave his attention. Crave his presence. Nobody waits for me to wake up. Nobody says good night to me before I sleep. I am lonely. I am suffering. For him, this year has been golden. He published 5 papers. He is a PhD. And me.... I have suffered. Visited doctors. Changed medicines. Lost 50% of my hair. Gained a lot of weight. My face looks like I am double my age. How is this fair? He gets to travel. He gets to do everything. And I get to suffer? What should I do? Contact him and tell him everything? Call his mom & shout, curse & hang up? Kill myself? I am sure he would have get engaged because his mom was always looking for girls who were doctors. I wasn't one. I am a marketing person. Working with a foreign Firm. I have a business degree & a degree in Data Analytics. So I guess I wasnt enough. I will never be able to make $48000 dollars. Because the truth is...He saw the opportunity, USA, the money, & he thought to himself (Plus his mom's beliefs), that I can get a prettier, white-toned, slim, hot girl who is extremely wealthy. To sum up, it has been a year. I feel numb towards all emotions. I like to work. Spend most of the time working. And I don't know how I can take my revenge. Still don't believe if Karma exists. I WANT HIM DEAD EMOTIONALLY. He killed me. I gave my 100% and he Killed me. How can he be fine?

Hellooo again (again)! And - on behalf of myself and everyone else who responded - aww, shucks, and thanks!, blush-blush. :))))) Just quickly - what were you GOING to type on your thread title - 'An' what? Right - as per - not reading ahead, just taking it sentance by sentance first: Title (because it's a sentance): ""An year after my fiancée & his family humiliated & left me"" No-no... - well...yes, he did. BUT...you and your folks out-humiliated him and his folks. "I didn't want to write all of the details again & basically relive the horror." When you can - even if you edit it down - that'll show you you're over him. When you can nutshell it (because it's long-immaterial) - e-g. 'Suffice to say, he was a Narc of the highest, most misogynistic order' - you'll know you're over IT, the whole event itself. But certainly for reasons of efficiency - good idea to just post in the link. "So it has been over a year now. There have been some positive changes such as I have been able to focus on my job. I smile, laugh & can spend some time alone." (Bloody hell - has it REALLY?! Woah.) That's three major changes, actually. You're understating your achievement. So - EXCELLENT! That's really fast progress - and it'll just keep speeding-up from here. Are you starting, even just a bit, to love your peaceful and engrossing Me-Time yet? "However, the problem is that I try to work a lot. Because after I spend some time with myself, I start to think about the person." Okay, that's normal? "I google him. I see his achievements. I see how he has reached the heights that I helped him to, yet, I am left alone. Alone, sad, and I am getting crazy now." YES, BUT HE CAN'T BE HAPPY. NOT EVEN CONTENT. NONE OF THAT WILL HAVE WORKED! "Weekends are the worst. I keep thinking, I literally practice the dialogue that I will have with him in case we meet again about how he has killed me soul." I promise he hasn't killed it. "I dont want to jump back in the dating pool (Well, we have none & also I dont want to)." You mustn't. Your wounds are healing BUT they're at scabbing over stage, meaning, in the shark-infested water, blood or just haemoglobin will leak out...and sharks only need ONE ATOM to smell and make a bee-line for it. "I am stuck. I go in circles. Sometimes, my friend tells me to pick up the phone, and call his mother or even him. Start insulting them. Shout. Curse." Then your friend needs to get herself an education on Narcissistic Personality Disordered Sociopath-level (hot-headed, thicker, malignant type of psychopath), aka NPD-AsPD (a "Cluster B" mental disorder outlined in the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) as well as everyday-behaviourally described all over the web now. "But... I can't. Maybe it's because I don't have the guts. Or because I want to avoid this situation. Or, because I feel like cursing will not be enough. He has taken away my smile, my love, my happiness, my feelings from me." No, it's because you deep-down know she's wrong. You don't want to put yourself back to Agony Square 1, either. But I can tell you're just on the edge that divides susceptibility and non-susceptibility, hence not FEELING quite so sure, despite your feet ARE - LOOK AT THEM - REFUSING TO DO AS SHE URGES. AND you're correct. It'll gain you nothing. They don't cooperate, remember? They WANT you to be left without resolution and closure. In case they decide in scarce times to look you up again whenever in the future. You won't get any answers - just lies and Word Salad as usual. So...your REAL question: Am I doing the right thing. Answer: how many Gold Stars can you FIT on that brainy forehead of yours? It's natural to miss 'him'. That doesn't detract from your feet's Gold Stars. Better? "I have fallen extremely ill. I have visited neurologist 2 times this year due to extreme headaches, double vision, ringing sensation in my head. It has gotten even worse now. They have now told me to get an brain scan because my headaches have intensified & my vision has been affected a lot." That can be Narc-caused stress-inflammation. Did you tell the neurologist you'd just broken-out - BY the skin of your teeth - of an highly abusive Narcissistic-Sociopathic Fauxlationship as messes, as any Trauma-based Neurologist knows, with your neorology and immune system, etc., etc.? The extreme headaches can be jaw/neck clenching in the day and teeth-grinding at night (because you're stressed and - really, truthfully - should be allowed to literally, real-life pulverise him. You're charged, but being blocked from dis-charging. And you have a LOT to dis-charge. That itself would then affect the nerves in your inner ear. Let's just get to it: I got all of that following my n-spath. Cracked teeth AND a ripped joint cartilege. AND Urtacaria (lifelong, they said....prrrrth, not when it's Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder. However, the happy news is: as an Empath, you can SELF-heal (which is WHY you think you can heal them, too, if you just try hard enough). But anyway - I was UCKING FURIOUS! And it's spiritual and existential level stress and fury. VERY deep. But still hooverable-outable (scuse hsilgnE). But do get the brain scan anyway, just so's you can relax. And then investigate ways of discharging that understandable fury. Or start now! It'll help to surf into "Traumatic Bonding & Intermittent Reinforcement" to know WHY you're still emotionally attached as opposed to a shorter-grieved-out normal romantic relationship break-up (and even that poses a hard time). With a Narc, leaving is the hardest part. The second hardest part is not giving into the rose-tinted retrospective glasses. You CAN'T go back. Second time round they treat you WORSE THAN EVER. Going back tells him he got away with his abuse - which is "feeding the monster" - so according to even MORE over-arrogant-Him, all he has to do is knock the last of that confidence out of you as is vital for escaping. But that's their complete short-sightedness because: When that happens, you 'only' have to wait until your inner, psychopathic animal mutineers you - and she's triggered when you feel threatened to such a suitable degree that your survival instinct activates and wakes her. (I'll type the easy-enough solutions at the end, when I've finished reading through.) "The doctor has constantly told me that I am under extreme stress & anxiety." As above - no sh*t, Sherlock. "And whatever I do, I can't bring it down." Have you INVESTIGATED how to bring it down? Nay. You've been working all the hours. Yes, you're a self-healer BUT this isn't normal injury. So without the fuller education, including how they and their behaviour affect you neurologically and pysiologically, you can get stuck. Which is where you're at. But you're NOT stuck because, look, you've come here! Why didn't you come sooner? Why aren't you sticking around until you're healed? At the very least you're going to have to avoid this well-meaning but incorrectly advising friend because it's like you're on a diet and she's wafting a cream-cake under your nose. She doesn't understand that it's riddled with Salmonella. JUST STICK WITH THOSE WHO'VE BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH and would know to never encourage you to go back into the Narc compound (because from there, you're easily re-caught and re-shackled to the dungeon wall). She WANTS to help you, but clearly doesn't understand that she's going to achieve the opposite BECAUSE (except for you) THIS WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHIP OR RELATIONSHIP BREAK-UP TO BEGIN WITH. It was a Romantic Con-Job. "How can God, or the higher power, or the nature or whatever there is, let this happen to a person with pure intentions?" Because they're officer material and the higher power has spotted them and, without their feeling a thing, shunted them to the officer-training camp, meaning, the daily runs and obstacle-courses, etc., are FAR harder than for your average trainee cadet, meaning, the officer cadet ends up FAR harder, stronger, cleverer, and with far many more tricks up their sleeve. In other words, life is training you up for something that takes toughness AND elevated empathy. You don't know what it is...I don't know what it is.... But this is how it goes. In your reality application, this means more effort, more pain, more pulled muscles, more injuries... but you're normal-healthy so you heal...and the more powerful your powerful mind, the faster you heal. It's exponential. The greater effort becomes your normal. You've gone up a grade or two. Automatic Upgrade, I call it. So it is NOT for nothing and WASN'T a waste of time. If you even so much as say one sentance - or move one muscle, to him, you'll end up putting yourself back a year (as in school year). You are at the University of Life - Super-Nova Empath department (Angel Warrior-Officer wing, scuse pun). "I wanted to marry him." I know. :( Well, not him. The him he deliberately convinced you existed and loved you. They can't bond. Honeymoon (over-dramatic), yes. Beyond that - no. And even their Honeymoon behaviour is under-the-table toxic and steadily getting you addicted (that Dopamine and obsessive urge to succeed then obsessive (-thank goodness) need to work him and it out). Even their nice or lovely side is toxic and not coming from the same place as OUR lovely side. We're trying to feed them and the relationship; they're trying to feed themselves as well as get fed by you. "Live by his rules." Yes, if he were normal, healthy, non-chauvenistic, fair, mature...QUALIFIED. But he's just a seriously jumped-up bullying kid in grown-up suit, either unaware that's what he is or kidding himself he isn't...or not even kidding himself any more...now PROUD of it (yuh, sure...let's say ACTING proud of it) and harnessing his nasty skills into using them to-order. They're ultimately just hurting themselves, but hiding it from themselves by hurting you so that you EITHER hurt them back OR let them keep indulging in their narcissism (like a spoiled kid who gets to only eat sweets) until they die of malnutrition. They HATE themselves, underneath all that self-aggrandising crap...and that's why when trying to do a relationship that they're too crippled to, as involves sharing the love they have for themselves and the world with you - YOU FEEL MOREOVER HATED. Nice people are happy people and vice-versa/Nasty people are miserable people and vice-versa) - remember? NO (actual, real) MAN THAT COULD BEHAVE TOWARDS AND TREAT HIS LOVED-ONE - OR EVEN THE ONE HE ONCE LOVED - IS EVER GOING TO BE HAPPY, LET ALONE, HAPPIER WITH ANOTHER "OBJECT". It's not actually personal - their whole problem is they can't GET personal! They're not interested in you as an individual, just pretend to be in the first instance, so that's another way in which it's not possible to be person...they don't even KNOW you (save for the bits the conning idiots need to know to con you)! Once you realise that, the C of your PTS will "do one". So - starting now! :) "Respect him. Even give him the control of the money that I earned. Yet, I wasn't enough." Exactly. No human is or can be for these people-haters, society-haters, rule-haters, obligation-haters.... He's in the DSMV because he has a serious psychological disturbance to a pathological (incurable) social-disease. "He is still updating the website that I made him. Stating his accomplishments. Lives in the USA. Earns $48000 per year. And I am a nobody. Stuck in a third world country." Bragging. In his shop window. (1) To attract people who equate money and power (gained dishonestly, usually) with success. Typical N-Spath. Things-things-things (espec things you can sell) and money-money-money. Bloody no other mental equipment to see and feel all the nice stuff WE see and feel. (2) To help keep his "nearly girlfriends" hanging on. (3) To piss you off. Yes, you. But material and fiscal wealth cease making human animals (artificially) happy very quickly because only OTHER PEOPLE make people happy: being connected AND BONDED...going somewhere and getting somewhere - a deux. Wealth is incapable of making ANY human happy beyond about 70,000 Pounds. But they're thick and have no other means to lift themselves up so they don't know that and conclude they just need MORE things and money..... No, what humans need is to be certain of just ONE person who loves them the most, holding their hand on their deathbed. You need a two-way BOND for that. And somewhere inside him, he knows that. This constant social status and wealth climbing is called Greedy - and yes they are that too. But this one is about PANIC AND DESPERATION (tick-tock-tick-tock, (earthly) death can happen at any time, not just end-of-life naturally. And that's why their workaholics or parasite-a-holics. Neither of which last long enough because NOTHING they try, lasts, and everything they touch turns to shite (Narcissist - "the reverse Midas Touch"). Whichever way you look at them - they're constantly destined for Ucked. "There is a part of me that sometimes want to kill him." NORMAL. NATURAL. So do I and I didn't even know him! I want to kill ALL of them (that are so severe they can't be cured). But there's only one way to kill a malig narcissist, and that's to IGNORE THEM (how dare you!), recover (how dare you!), normalise (how dare you!) and (which normal-healthies do) THRIVE. Be Content, interspersed with Happy... Pureposeful.... basically bouncingly healthy again. ....'I have FAILED! AND LOSE CONTROL!' - serious injury or even death to, ego. Depends on how resentful of YOU they are - for having foiled them. And you did so... yup, that's how to kill him. Either in one swoop or by putting him out of action then off his stride, whereby fails with the next, too...down, round, down, round, ...tiny puddle of slime. "I want to kill his mother." Yyyup! "I even make plans to kill him. Very unrealistic because its all in my head." Still works to discharge the anger so - go for it! Go for it until you become bored of it. It's good anti-dote and healing balm, maaan. :) That wouldn't be normal if you'd broken-up, sadly, regretfully, lovingly, with another normal-healthy, nor productive. But it is after a Narc. (All the rules are twisted 180 degrees, remember - like they are. Normal break-up: holding onto anger not good; Narc break-up: anger effing healing AND Hoovering-protective because, if you DO give into the (normally okay) need/curiosity to pick up the phone - this comes out: "After how you treated me - No! - what are you - mad?...eff-off and don't ever contact me again - you dis-GUST me!"). They go into Narc Rage but can't take it out on you! You've left THEM without "closure" (revenge). It's all very complicated, psychologically and neurologically, but anger is natural and justified plus MUST be expressed, as well as meanwhile keeps you safe from being re-conned back to them. "And then, there are days, like 4 out of 7 that I would dream about him. Hear his voice & miss him so much. Crave his attention. Crave his presence." Yup. Again, all according to script and my own and others' memories. You see, though, deep-down you DO know, hence chose the word CRAVE. Which is what an addict does - right? You're still in Cold Turkey and will be for a tad longer. Depends on whether I can see any signs of Plea Bargaining or pre-Acceptance Depression. You might even sense you're about to be Over Him (not It yet, but Him) and are grieving about that fact because of course, once you've finished grieving, he and all hope of returning to what had become your comfort-zone, dies. IOW, put simply, you can tell you're approaching the Acceptance Gate to Recovered-Enough-ville...Starting to leave that whole chapter behind. Simultaneously, not just de-toxing but 'making' the only drug-peddler you know, die. So this will be permanent. Yes, it will. But if you grit your teeth and go through that threshold, suddenly you'll have a completely different mindset and attitude...mainly, UGH, and, what a nasty, pathetic little animal... respulsed yet pitying...and he'll just keep shrinking and shrinking, growing more and more insane and pathetic. And then for a wee while you feel crazy all over again, as in, I cannot believe I ever saw anything in that..."THING". "Nobody waits for me to wake up. Nobody says good night to me before I sleep. I am lonely. I am suffering." It's not real loneliness, not to THAT incredible degree... it just mimics it precisely, and because you're alone, you blame that. What you need is human-brand balm and distraction (or help to speed up). But yes, it may as well be since it feels the same. In fact, your inner animal waits for you to wake up. Note it CAN wake you up if it wants (turns your dream into a nightmare as sparks your adrenaline). It's offical now - there literally are two of us in there/here. I'd go further and say, three. Narcs are ones that originally said the sign of madness is talking to yourself. As I'm sure you can now appreciate - it bloody isn't, and it's bloody therapeutic i.e. self-healing! Have you ever TRIED to have a conversation with yourself? Start practising until you relax and just it flow. And no calling Conscious You a silly cow or any other self-deprecation noises, because your inner animal thinks you mean, It. Positive conversation and self-affirmations only. Plus the indulging in how the two of you would kill him if you were allowed, lol. It'll remind her that she damn well could - meaning, so could you. If you had to. I.e. you're not pathetic nor powerless nor anybody's victim.) Our minds are little universes, you know. Very powerful. That's how the human-being is the most lethal predator on the earth, streets ahead of lions, salt-water crocs, your great white or bull shark (if you don't let the fear paralyse you and remember you're supposed to punch or kick them straight in the eye or nose-tip)... Knowledge including self-awareness is power. We're living proof that intelligence beats brawn any day. "For him, this year has been golden. He published 5 papers. He is a PhD. And me.... I have suffered. Visited doctors. Changed medicines. Lost 50% of my hair. Gained a lot of weight. My face looks like I am double my age. How is this fair? " It's as fair as you having a physically injurious accident. Scar tissue is tougher than skin. And it's fair because - you've learned by experience and pumped iron all you need to for ensuring it won't happen ever again (too bloody painful...'ugh - Narc - take a left, quick!'). So the more painful it is, the more proof you have that your mind is working uncharacteristically hard and getting musclier (pulled muscles, innit). Pain is the process to re-gain and gain, hence the saying - No Pain, No Gain. It's not a punishment, it's an obstacle-course. But, yes, it's not fair. Because you didn't ask for it, didn't plan for it. "He gets to travel. He gets to do everything. And I get to suffer?" He's suffering while he's travelling and getting to do everything. You're HEALING. Yours is what serious healing feels like. His will never stop, bar very briefly in each new short-lived Honeymoon Period, every novel thing for the first five minutes, every contrived brag on Fakebook, etc. Life for Narcs ("Pathological Boredom", Non-Satisfiable/Insatiable) is like being permanently stood in the Post-Office queue (no chairs, no overhead TV, mute co-queuers...). That's why they need artificial rousers and can't stand peace & harmony or their own company: risk-taking, cheap thrills, other emotionally-expressive and affecting people...and things n stuff. Underneath all the drama and froth - he's PERPETUALLY BORED *AND BORING*. "What should I do? Contact him and tell him everything?" No. As above. Tell me/us everything. Telling him a thing will just earn you more humiliation and abuse or being toyed with. "Call his mom & shout, curse & hang up?" Deaf ears. "Kill myself?" No - him. Again and again in your head. You're not unstable, unable to separate reality from fantasy, you won't manifest it. Won't need to. You're normal, you bounce back. And, no again because...do you have any idea how much an intense Uni Of Life degree course would cost if it were offered at any scholastic uni? And, no thrice because - no point... you're on the last lap already, almost there...definitely more there than not. You don't want to waste this course, this amazing, self-empowering and -enhancing education. You'll only get recycled (made to do the course again). You're just panicking because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and aren't' familiar enough with it to work out how far along it you are. Again - normal and healthy. "I am sure he would have get engaged because his mom was always looking for girls who were doctors. I wasn't one." Poor woman, whomever she'll be. "I am a marketing person." A creative - ah-hah! You think outside of the box anyway, then. That explains how you (and your folks) handled it so creatively. My advice right now would be: take a deeper interest in yourself as well. You're quite rare, you know? Most DON'T escape. And not that stylishly, either! (You guys reminded me of Lily's family...a natural Defense team, in complete synchronisation of wavelengths and intentions, etc., etc....read each other's minds and vibes, basically.) (Research Question: do you look like your dad but take after your mum?) "Working with a foreign Firm. I have a business degree & a degree in Data Analytics." So I guess I wasnt enough." HAHAHAHA - good sarcasm! (That's more like it! See what a deserved whinge on here has done for you?) Answer: Well, they're secretly SICK, aren't they, so they NEED a doctor in the family. (Canned laughter) "I will never be able to make $48000 dollars. Because the truth is...He saw the opportunity, USA, the money, & he thought to himself (Plus his mom's beliefs), that I can get a prettier, white-toned, slim, hot girl who is extremely wealthy." Yup. (Although, she'll have to be a push-over for whatever reason - too busy working herself to exhaustionn is one.) But if he does manage it - he won't be able to keep her for long. And that's the story of his life... leaping from lilypad to lilypad (because he can't/won't swim)... 'Groundhog Day'.... still in that post-office queue, waiting to be served (except he never gets there). "To sum up, it has been a year. I feel numb towards all emotions." Normal. Your nerves are taking a well-needed holiday and your mind is determined to keep you calm into BORED...because as you, a creative, knows - boredom is the mother of creativity, including invention, so, you'll pretty soon find yourself somehow sucked into something you dropped because of him or something entirely new. While you're waiting - take a seat here. Also, if you answer or just offer condolences on others' posts (e.g. ones that give you the urge to because you relate), that'll re-inflate your self-esteem instantly and lastingly. "I like to work. Spend most of the time working. And I don't know how I can take my revenge. Still don't believe if Karma exists. I WANT HIM DEAD EMOTIONALLY. He killed me. I gave my 100% and he Killed me. How can he be fine?" Yes, but you need FUN. That's what disappears at this point and adds to your misery (no antidote getting administered). AS above - you do now. Well, it believes in you so - tough tittie. FYI, the bigger the custard pie fate bakes, the more it swamps or asphyxiates them, but (duh?), the longer it takes to be baked (and delivered at just the right moment (his worst)). He's ALREADY dead emotinoally. No, he didn't. He tried. It feels like it right now. But he didn't. You're a survivor - inarguable feet say so. I'm sure yu did (but he still didn't). Because he's a fantastic actor come impressions manager! He can only pretend. Anyway...would YOU be happy with a mother and whole family like his and where life featured nothing for you except for "things n stuff" and a futile chasing of your own money-tail?! Don't talk daft. You've seen for yourself how severely nasty he is. 'Nasty people are/Miserable people are' (say the whole thing at least 5 times in a row, please/thank-you). That severity, that intensity of nastiness, is how miserable. AND he's got a giant custard-pie coming to him! Plus, Nasty Him has to LIVE with him. Plus, because you foiled and humiliated him to himself and in front of witnesses - he'll take that out on HER. The Rebound gf always gets it the worst in the least amount of time. I mean it - poor her! Next question? :)

Here you go: How to Recognize and Break Traumatic Bonds (by Crystal Raypole; medically reviewed): https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#signs (Extract) "Leaving an abusive relationship usually isn’t as simple as walking out the door. Along with concerns about finding a place to live, supporting yourself, or being prevented from seeing your children or loved ones, you might feel tied to your partner, unable to break away. This emotional attachment, known as a trauma bond, develops out of a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. It’s only natural to develop a bond with someone who treats you with kindness. Many abusive relationships begin with a shower of affection and assurances of love. These attempts to manipulate often succeed since you remember the early days of the relationship and believe they can be that person again.... ...Trauma bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics. A cyclical nature First, they depend on intermittent reinforcement. In other words, a cycle of abuse. It’s generally easier to leave an entirely bad situation, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness or concern for your well-being. But in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well. They might bring you gifts, call you their soul mate, take you out, or urge you to relax. Some refer to this stage as love bombing. Eventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you might ignore or suppress memories of their past behavior until the cycle begins again. A power imbalance These bonds also rest on an underlying imbalance of power. In this dynamic, you might feel as if they control you to the point where you no longer know how to resist or break free. Even if you manage to leave the relationship, you might have difficulty breaking that bond without professional help. You might feel incomplete or lost without them and eventually return, simply because the abusive cycle is familiar and you don’t know how to live without it yet. Other key signs..."

(Doing an holistic aka multi-pincered-attack approach is fastest so if you do everything I advise all-at-once, your pain, anxiety and depression (not clinical) will ease a lot faster.) 10 Foods that help reduce Anxiety (quickly): https://www.health.com/food/stress-relieving-foods __________________________________________________ Meanwhile - the womb recreation (the safest place you ever knew): lights off, just lots of red votive candles (light from outside the womb appears red/pink), very bubbly, very full bath (it's frothy in the womb), talk radio going audibly but fairly quietly or better yet - loudly but with you wearing those cone-shaped foam earplugs (it's muffled in the womb). Or a music station where the DJs go on and on too much. Fave wine/other tipple - one glass just to relax you faster. Keep the water gently hot and maintain it (let some out, put some fresh in, and more bubblebath). If you have a bath pillow (to keep you propped above water level so you don't get a rude awakening, which would defeat the exercise) - feel free to doze. This works to bring you faster out of DefCon. The more you do it, the faster. And all you have to do is lie there until you're bored with it. Easy-peasy-frothy-squeezy. Even more effective if straight afterwards, you go to sleep and hand it along at its most powerful to your inner filing staff so that they can file that day's sheet as SAFE, SECURE... repetition is key to learning and de-brainwashing and same for system re-setting. People always think this is a useless platitude. But only because it's not explained. Basically, if you need it, it works beautifully. Not only is it therapeutic but it counts as self-pampering, self-care, part of Dating Yourself. It also gets you to sleep quickly due to sudden core heat loss due to the contrast when you get out...hence why new parents are encouraged to bath baby every night, using baby bath like Johnson's (get some). AND DRINK MORE WATER. You're probably dehydrated (thinking uses water). And that'll make your skin look older. Also, get your circulation going again, surplus anger and frustrated sexual energy out, AND get reacquainted to the you before you met him (which will remind you "Gotta-loong without-chya, be-foore I met-chya-gonna getta-long without-chya now-ow-ow" (Candy Statton, I think?) by dancing to all the music that before you met him (or before he began making you miserable and distressed), you could not HELP but get up and dance to! And, I repeat, confide in people you trust, including genuine past or current victims who know to help you stay completely away from him, and how, and don't come out with this misguided advice (nor get bored/impatient/experience helplessness in the face of your rate of healing and need to discuss and/or mistakes your obsession with it/him as a sign you need him back - if either of those are why she suggested it). Try all of these and see how quickly you start to feel them work. And here's the (amazing) shocker - and WHY "Dating Yourself" after a Narc f/ship is so effective and fast: They're moreover nasty. At the start they cover it up. And pretend to be your lovely soulmate by mirroring you - pretending to be JUST LIKE YOU - TWINS! So the character the actor is playing is - YOU! The point where falling in love with him happened - you were bonding to and being romanced by .......YOU (in a male body). You had a relationship with YOU! Until you were hooked, when he stopped needing to mirror. HOW LOVED AND CHERISHED AND ADORED AND ADMIRED AND RESPECTED AND CARED ABOUT DID YOU FEEL! Going by your intensity of grief - EXTREMELY. YOU ARE GRIEVING *YOU*. So get back together with you then - simples (once you know)! So...recall the things he did/seemed to be (mirrored) and just cut out the loony middle-man. And that's what Mylie Cyrus's latest hit is about: I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand, talk to myself for hours, say things you don't understand (etc.)....oh, I can love me better than you can. (Yes, because yours isn't peppered, then doused, in abuse.) You'd make a normal-healthy (once you're healed) bloody happy. But you don't have to submissive and subservient to a normal healthy who's living in THIS century (Narcs can't change even seriously outdated attitudes, but normal-healthy/-empaths do).

PS: Because you need those anti-anxiety/depression nutrients, either immediately or a few days in, these and other healthy foods will strike as far superior and tastier to your old diet...you'll get really into them. It's also a great opportunity to experiment with new things, like, exotic fruits and shellfish you've wondered about but never could (or would) afford.

Also (forgot)... your brain also operates on healthy fats and Iodine (found in salt). Seeds are another de-stressor and immune-booster (fantastic for the skin), so.... sunflower seeds baked in salted shells. Open the shells with your teeth to get a bit of salt. You can do that for hours as comfort eating and LOSE weight (increasing fibre does that to you - hence Audrey Eaton's famous The F-Plan Diet.) and you're also displacing the stress by keeping your fingers busy. And watch really funny films. Even if you can't even smile - it's still another antidote, it still goes in and reverses the damage. Laughter is the best medicine (well, after sleep). Oh yes - sleep more so that said filing staff in your brain can read, file, re-file, and send you conclusion memos, without you having to be so involved in that hard slog during your waking hours. If I remember anything else I'll add it anon.

Thank you so much for replying. You are a God sent person. I will always keep you in my prayers. You have no idea, how this platform and the people who have replied have helped me. At times I have been one-step away from just ending it all... or about to contact him. Today is one of days. I read your messages again and again. Your words have given me power to atleast try and understand my situation. I try and try again, but I fail. I took the brain scan. They found out nothing but multiple bright foci and in addition to this, the doctor told me that the scans show signs of extreme depression. He has prescribed several medications. I wish I knew your name. I would have loved to address you directly. I love and appreciate how you spent soooo much time explaining me everything. Put so much effort to help me. Thank you. I try, really I do. I try to imagine your voice. Voice of a friend who is telling me not to think about him. To move on. But, how can I? I miss him. I love him. I searched him today. He has uploaded a new picture after a year. He looks the same. Nothing has changed. And he is wearing the watch that I gave him on his birthday. What does this mean? I opened the chat and I wanted to send him a message. I was so close. I was so close to creating a new profile and sending a message. I miss him to the extend that it physically hurts. Nobody will ever, EVER get it. How I feel everyday. It feels like someone is holding me in two hands and slicing my heart with a sharp knife. Its a sharp SHARP pain. That I feel in my chest. A sinking feeling. I want him to say something. Say my name. Atleast once. Just say that I am here. I wont leave you. I am here..... Why couldn't he understand that I didn't want any money, any material needs, I was ready to be there. For him. In every single battle. I loved him. AND him only. How can I ever get married. Get into a relation? When all I can think, hear and see is him? I am like a crazy person. Part of me was hoping for a uncurable problem when I had that brain scan. So all this would end. I want this pain to end. Why can't I get him. He is there. Wearing the watch that I gave him. There is not one moment when I don't think about him. He was my everything. If there is any God or Allah or any supernatural power, or higher power. I want that power to either kill me or kill him. That's the only wish that I have now. Because I can't really breathe anymore. Everyone around me is getting married. Getting busy with their lives. And here I am. The day he left me. It really was like as if he was on a bus and I was running after him and he left me alone. Till this date. I am here, sitting on a station. Waiting. Waiting for him to come back and take me home. Home. That we dreamed of. The life that we imagined together. That I can never imagine with someone else. If ever you don't here from me for more than 6 months. That would mean that I have finally gotten my peace. I am done. Looking at his picture today was a stark reminder of how HOW weak I am. How much I love him. How much I miss him. How much I want him to come and take me. I miss him to my core. I don't remember the last time I slept peacefully.

I saw another picture of him just now. That is a picture of around April. He went fishing. Is quite happy. I remember, that it was Eid day. Just like Christmas. We have eid. And he is there holding a fish that he caught. Looking extremely happy. I saw several comments where he is talking about how excited is he to visit the US and how he is experiencing "the New World". I remember the exact same day. I have videos of myself. I was recording myself. Talking to myself. I didn't get ready. Didn't meet anyone. Didn't talk to anyone. And there he is.. I think I might be going crazy. Or maybe I am crazy. I am not making sense at all. Looking at the first picture. I missed him so much that I was about to text him. Looking after the second one, I just blocked him again. It made me so angry. And I also realized. SOUlMATE... that it has been more than a year. It didn't even occur to me that all of this happened in June 2022... Its 2024... I thought it was only a year... How will this pain ever go away... I don't want to be this person. I would love to talk to you over call. I am sorry. I know it is a big ask. I know your forum has rules. But, I am at the rock bottom. Please, it is a request. I have just sent a personal email to the admin.

I saw another picture of him just now. That is a picture of around April. He went fishing. Is quite happy. I remember, that it was Eid day. Just like Christmas. We have eid. And he is there holding a fish that he caught. Looking extremely happy. I saw several comments where he is talking about how excited is he to visit the US and how he is experiencing "the New World". I remember the exact same day. I have videos of myself. I was recording myself. Talking to myself. I didn't get ready. Didn't meet anyone. Didn't talk to anyone. And there he is.. I think I might be going crazy. Or maybe I am crazy. I am not making sense at all. Looking at the first picture. I missed him so much that I was about to text him. Looking after the second one, I just blocked him again. It made me so angry. And I also realized. SOUlMATE... that it has been more than a year. It didn't even occur to me that all of this happened in June 2022... Its 2024... I thought it was only a year... How will this pain ever go away... I don't want to be this person. I would love to talk to you over call. I am sorry. I know it is a big ask. I know your forum has rules. But, I am at the rock bottom. Please, it is a request. I have just sent a personal email to the admin.

Haven't forgotten you, either - just snowed-under, will respond as soon as humanly possible - please bear with?

Just caught sight of a few lines... Scratch the above - will bust a gut to be with you tonight.

Right, I'm here - no need to panic. Let me read and catch up...

"Thank you so much for replying. You are a God sent person. I will always keep you in my prayers. You have no idea, how this platform and the people who have replied have helped me. At times I have been one-step away from just ending it all... or about to contact him. Today is one of days." This is perfectly normal. It was never love, it was him agitating addiction of him. So obviously, now, you're experiencing Cold Turkey (psychological version but still hellish at the time). NORMAL. STANDARD. Nothing to worry about or struggle against - that'll just make it feel worse. Just feel the pain as much as you can stand and then find something to distract yourself with or have a sleep if you can (processing it is what eases the pain; you don't need to be awake for it because how to heal is in your base programme and is automatic). "I read your messages again and again. Your words have given me power to atleast try and understand my situation. I try and try again, but I fail. " Yes. Normal. Two steps forward, one/two/three steps back, two steps forward followed by another two, one step back... like a lurching car. "I took the brain scan. They found out nothing but multiple bright foci and in addition to this, the doctor told me that the scans show signs of extreme depression. He has prescribed several medications." Good! See if they suit you, because if they do they can be a brilliant step-stool to getting back to feeling normal again, enabling you to get your decks cleared and renovated, etc. "I wish I knew your name. I would have loved to address you directly. I love and appreciate how you spent soooo much time explaining me everything. Put so much effort to help me. Thank you." Ahh, thank-you. :) "I try, really I do. I try to imagine your voice. Voice of a friend who is telling me not to think about him. To move on." No, you don't try not to think about him. Unless you're a "fake it to make it" merchant? Otherwise, it's, you fill his gap so that you don't NEED to keep thinking about him. Or you just accept that these Cold Turkey pain-waves will keep hitting, then decrease in severisty...then you realise you've gone X days without remembering him...and so on. Think of the agony waves as growth-spurt level Growing Pains (brain exercise and muscle-pulling but toning going on in there). "But, how can I? I miss him. I love him." Tell me about your life before you met him. And tell me about what your IDEAL husband would be like. "I searched him today. He has uploaded a new picture after a year. He looks the same. Nothing has changed. And he is wearing the watch that I gave him on his birthday. What does this mean?" IT MEANS HE'S PROVOKING YOU INTO CONTACTING AND BEGGING HIM, AND, IN CASE THAT FAILS, SIMULTANEOUSLY TAUNTING YOU BY STILL WEARING YOUR WATCH. Anyone would think he'd have taken it off, that it would strike him as inappropriate to want to wear or still be being seen in. He is trying to - as usual - manipulate you so that Convenient You doesn't leave his world in case he needs you/your body again in the future. Narcs don't leave you - unless it's obvious that you can now see through them. You have to leave them (and lock the door and throw away the key). I have this exact same scenario going on in RL as we speak, with an English Spaniard (born and raised here). Like hers - yours KNOWS you're heartbroken and therefore will find it impossible to resist continuing the relationship by-proxially as a source of comfort. (However, this being Opposites Land - it isn't, it does the opposite.) It's meant to invite or provoke you. So that he doesn't have to admit his fault and own his responsibility...basically, not have to say Sorry. If he says that then that means he can't do it again. And he has every intention of doing it again. Because Swat Narx Do. He wants to see if you're willing to be used all over again. Basically. NOW, THEN. Someone who hadn't ever become acclimatised to Narc bad attitudes and behaviours, would find his doing that A COMPLETE TURN-OFF.... "UGH, what did I ever see in him - he's such a sadistic, game-playing CREEP!". The guy YOU'RE grieving - isn't him and never was. He was a character that this Narc Woman-player-torturer played, having worked-out what your ideal bloke would be like: a male you, basically - proving you do like yourself and still do; the some victims-typical Not Liking Yourself is not one of your problems. Disbelief is.. You're grieving getting to know yourself. So all you have to do is endure the painful days, give into them (treat yourself like you're ill or injured and spoil yourself), and then, on the good days - catch up with all your chores, quick! Make hay when the sun shines, basically, and hibernate when it pours. And do something in the middle on the merely cloudy days. That's it. That's grieving period for you. And the reward for finishing the Grieving/Recovery Path is that he goes back to his place (ew - guttersnipe) and you go back up to yours. Automatic Upgrade, I call it. This is going to make you an even MORE attractive person than ever! And more confident. All of it. You dated a romantic conman who, instead of doing loaded dice and card tricks out in the street, targets women looking for love. So that he gets really good quality, free sex and whatever else perks (e.g. he looks classier stood beside classier you). Think about it: what part of that ridiculous yet disturbing debacle up there, involving the guy's MOTHER who SHOULD know to behave better at her ripe age (christ! but instead JOINS IN, then EXACERBATES, the madness!), DOESN'T resemble something off of a cheap, daytime Soap Opera??? You and your parents were forced to enter into abnormality and respond to madness, but those two most definitely were behind it all. He knows you're watching (scuse pun). He is not sorry. He is pissed-off because you thwarted him. He wants to teach you a lesson. Lure you back (using you yourself as his tool...your emotional agony and the false promise of its cessation)...wait until you feel secure and again - BAM! And this time treat you worse than ever before either dumping you or putting you in his dungeon as his least favourite sex-slave (everyday domestic version). I'll pause here and let you digest all of that. But - the more severely it hurts, the more it means your brain is doing clever gymnastics at lightning speed that you didn't even know it could do and never needed to...until now. A huge raising of Consciousness and expansion of intellect is soon to be yours. Whereupon you'll look at him and FEEL EMBARRASSED you ever wanted to be within 10ft of the disgusting, nasty, little, BRAIN-DAMAGED physical adult, nasty-child trapped inside with no longer the brain equipment to heal but whom clearly enjoys taking "Shiny Red Apple" women DOWN or even breaking their brains (he wishes!). Zombie. If you didn't hurt massively at the moment, I would know there had to be something up or wrong with you. You're still functional. You're not numb and in a daze. You're processing-healing. It'll take more than UGH - HIM and the likes of him to pull YOU down, trust me on that. You and your parents evidently have loads of ancestors who went through this kind of crap, generation after generation...that synchronised-though-action up there is still impressive. It didn't come from nowhere. It's in your programme. You'll be okay and then brilliant. Anyhoo, I said I'd pause and start a new one so...

Basically, there's no love from him to you and, besides the enjoyable (for him) drugs trip of Honeymoon Period (which is all the dating programme they have left in their holey or atrophied brain parts), never was. This first attempt to (google) electronically HOOVER you (they start subtly like that) is because: you outfoxed him; you outmanoevred/dodged him; you defied him and disobeyed him. You Foiled Him. That might mean his black magic has lost its power! (panic-panic) He's trying it out again. DON'T CONTACT, STAY 'DEAD' to it. NOW what's he going to think? Yup. That suspcion that his trusty (pff!) omnipotence decreasing might be TRUE! DON'T CONTACT, STAY 'DEAD' to his next, bigger attempt. NOW what's he going to think? Picture the Wicked Witch of The West when Dorothy "pours water" onto the situation with her hard truth in the witch's face. "..........AIEEEEE....I'M MELTING....I'M MELTIIIiiiiing....................." Narc Collapse. Thad'll learn him. It'll also knock him for six...make his potency die for who-knows-how-long FOR REAL. And that means, any other woman who needs to escape his clutches, will, and any new targets will just find him corny and creeply and steer well clear. He'll be ALONE(!) unless he picks level or beneath himself (from the scummy pool). He'll get pond life and possibly abused. Which is why he pretends to be an Angel just like you (and her and her). So that he can have one without having to earn one. All the perks, none of the work (or short-cutting by cheating). And you're not even doing it for that. You're doing it to protect yourself from further serious harm. What A Bonus! :) Just saying.... (haha)

Every time you fail to take his nasty but tasty-looking bait, you're saving quality of lives. Every time you fail to take, etc., you are ensuring that your offspring will be the Full Stop to this unwitting susceptibility of yours to narcissistics on the hunt. You will be too savvy, skeptical, cynical (but still lovely - we're talking the earning of de luxe skills through these growing-pains), meaning, the Narc will be the one to think, "Er - no...not manipulable enough - NEXT!..." You won't have to lift a finger, let alone look out for Red Flags. How do I know? Easy. The amount of agony you're lately in. (I blame Christmas and NY, as well as what he's trying to do. Agree?)

(...Continued: ) "I opened the chat and I wanted to send him a message. I was so close. I was so close to creating a new profile and sending a message. I miss him to the extend that it physically hurts." Yes, it does. But you get used to it as well as process it away, so - just don't struggle. It's the struggling that hurts. You can't go back. You could never love or trust him again. Futile. You're going to Recoveryville whether you like it or not. Try to 'like it' and it will hurt less. Think: "Owwwww... - oooh, goodie - another brain expansion, my iQ points just went up again!" -and- "Owwwww...oh, wait, that means one less pain-wave out of the total bucketful!". The attitude you take can affect it a great deal. I do know that's too difficult right now, however. But it'll come. Even if only sometimes at first. You'll reach the point where you take control of your grief, rather than it, you. For now, though - wail your head off if it helps. Are you talking to your parents about it all? "Nobody will ever, EVER get it. How I feel everyday. It feels like someone is holding me in two hands and slicing my heart with a sharp knife. Its a sharp SHARP pain. That I feel in my chest. A sinking feeling. I want him to say something. Say my name. Atleast once." Er... just about everyone HERE gets it. And yes, it does. The good news, however (because not knowing what your mind and body is doing during these sensations and why, makes it all very disturbing and distressing), is this: that sharp pain is actually tension that's got stuck, in your diaphram. Commando breathing: INHALE (through the nose, ideally), TWO, THREE, FOUR; HOLD YOUR BREATH, TWO, THREE, FOUR; EXHALE...TWO, THREE, FOUR. Repeat until tension eases. Forced yawning (it turns real): Yawn, yawn, yawn, until it takes over and becomes genuine yawning. Your diaphram will relax. Have a nap. Turn on an intersting Talk Radio show, close your eyes, just listen. Or watch videos by other victims on YouTube et al, and read other victims' stories in the website Comments section (usually at the bottom). Knowledge is power (for self-healing) - or it is once you have the available cylinders with which to organise it all - this would be you preparing for next-stage healing, as well as finding comfort now, it will speed you right up. Do a crossword or Sudoku (anything "Left-brained" puts your unemotional, very grounded Mr Spock in-charge, makes the ever-emotional Captain Kirk cease bouncing off the balls and take a long nap). Listening to Classical music does the same. PLAYING classical music teaches your Mr Spock and Captain Kirk to become as one (like Torville & Dean)...Lateral-Minded. Rant and whinge on here as often as you like. Take Omega 3 EPA/DHA (trace-metals-free) Fish-Oil Capsules - 1 or 2,000mg per day. Best to buy it from a healthfood store. Chamomile Tea. Tumeric (anti-inflammatory) Go for a run or force yourself to dance to your fave, irresistible. dance tracks. Get out-of-breath. And then afterwards reward yourself with high quality (high cocoa-solids) chocolate. Dark chocolate might well taste like Heaven to you right now - try? Have bubble-baths in the dark, surrounded by Red candle votives and talk radio or classical music on (although anything is good), either quietly OR loudly while wearing foam earplugs (to replicate being in the womb, the safest place you ever knew, to alter your mood, plus to ensure better quality sleep). (PS: I think it was our other poster, Thea, who said, she eats chocolate IN the bath!) Look up Anti-Anxiety Foods on the web. Start experimenting with new foods you've never thought to try before - see what new favourite foods you can discover (go with your instinct to heal, IOW - what you need will taste great). Start eating things you ceased eating because of him (e.g. garlicy or oniony stuff). Yoga. Foie-gras yourself with comedy shows/clips off the web. Even if you don't find them amusing (they are and they will work, but they need to collect to a critical level in your head before it'll make you smile or laugh). Even better - watch stuff that's amusing or cute but puts your faith back into humanity....hang on - I'll find one... Ask your mum and/or dad for a hug. (Can you?) "Just say that I am here. I wont leave you. I am here....." Only a normal, healthy, non-narcissistic or non-Narcissist bloke could do that. Sorry, but your boyfriend is psychologically disturbed due to brain damage, and emotionally dead due to too much resentment and bitterness, of a type that still allows for the sufferer to act like a professional, awared-winning actor, exactly as if he's the opposite. (Keeping up a character acting part all the time is really hard work, though, so eventually their arse leaks out then spills out.) UN-damaged, he could have been a soul-mate, though. That's where a large part of the pull comes from. And it smells like potential. However, it's permanently locked-in. No other human or woman is ever going to be able to change that, no matter WHAT she tries, sacrifices or suffers (and same goes for male victims). They don't even LIKE people! And they hate their opposite gender (hence want to ruin them). But look at his mother. What - you think she was a great mum when he was a newborn but suddenly regressed to a 12-years-old, bitter, twisted, hate-filled, drama-lovingi girl only once he turned 6? Nah. He was SUCKLED on that shite. It's in his Blueprint. One of his most vital brain functions is fatally corrupted (interpersonal relations and relationships). He is not qualified to be anyone's partner at anything intimate. (If you're raised by Mr Interrelational Nutter and Mrs Interrelational Nutter, it stands to reason you're going to grow up as Nutter Junior, innit. Unless your brain is VERY sure of itself and keeps them out of their precious jello. Clearly - sadly - his wasn't.) "Why couldn't he understand that I didn't want any money, any material needs, I was ready to be there. For him. In every single battle. I loved him. AND him only." He didn't give a stuff about any of that. He wasn't in it for love. That was you. You were conned. It's happening everywhere. "How can I ever get married. Get into a relation? When all I can think, hear and see is him?" Let your Healing Programme play itself out. Simples!...albeit, painful most of the time, then half of the time, then (it's exponential) a quarter...an eighth....a sixteenth.... poof - gone! It's a marathon run. WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY PROVEN (by having endured him!) YOU CAN DO! Look, the fact is - THAT you escaped is indisputable proof that you are a fighter-survivor who can't help BUT feel better and better until All Better - Better Than Before. These sensations that you have to endure, really, are just acadmic. They just feel hellish. But you're safe. Nothing bad is going to happen. You've already conquered him/Narcissism. You've already (his perception) WON. And that (his perception) means HE'S FAILED. ....Ego Deeeeaaaaath! He wants revenge: get you back, dupe you a second time, mistreat you worse to ensure this time you can't/won't have your own ideas, let alone the confidence to escape his clutches once more. "I am like a crazy person. Part of me was hoping for a uncurable problem when I had that brain scan. So all this would end. I want this pain to end." No, you're not. You're a normal, healthy, young woman who is reacting according to her survival programme, in the face of a monster who has the power to do her even greater injury than this, via his brand of madness. It's simply that you've never BEEN in this full-blown mad situation with a madman lothario before! This is normal but is Healing "Crazy". You're having to mourn his death AND your brain is un-tying itself from knots, putting itself back into proper state and order again (but with said improvements)....AND all the knock-on effects. This is MASSIVE. It's a top degree being crash-course studied for at the University Of Life. And you're reacting to-programme - so everything is tickety-boo, ASIDE from - these dual processes hurt. You're only supposed to ever experience the one, you see. "Why can't I get him. He is there. Wearing the watch that I gave him." As explained above. In fact, you shouldn't even think of him as a He any more. I know he does an highly convincing, all-round act of being like other normal, regular men (most of the time). But I'm afraid he is not. He is a *Ferrel human*, not a person. Half or more Predator...caveman, if you like (but still interpersonally brain-crippled one). Of other people but especially women (or just takes it out on women as if they're here to be his personal punching-bags and spitoons, simply because he's too cowardly to take on men or confront his father). ...Just anyone who'll do anything for Love and normally should/would be out of his league but are distracted (or low...or high) at the time of meeting. I.e. Every normal, healthy Neurotypical on the planet, especially Empaths, experiencing the usual, perfectly normal peaks and troughs of the rollercoaster called Life. 'They get you when you're down'. You're down right now, aren't you. And hey-ho, he got to you. See how that works? Nothing is wrong with you. You're just healing on two levels. One normal-ish, the other - one so abnormal it shouldn't even exist! Thank GOD our brains our so pliable! It's what ALLOWS it to slowly but surely de-contort itself WHILE making upgraded replacement parts in there! "There is not one moment when I don't think about him. He was my everything." Yes. Think about him, by all means, but just don't ACT on any feeling. Think about him and cry over him until you grow BORED with it all because you finally appreciate just HOW whacko he was - AND how ridiculous, childish, illogical, self-harming, other-harming, etc., etc., (you will - it's just the sign you're done...Over Him). If his corruption were a physical manifestion, he'd look like this: He'd be in a wheelchair, paralysed from the waist down. He'd dribble and slur his words alot. His upper body might look normal- if weedy - but his arse and legs would be like a skeleton's, covered in skin. He'd carry a Zombie knife, a machine-gun, a scalpel and other torture instruments....he'd be so tooled-up he'd look like the scarediest cat that ever lived. He'd be distinctly unattractive, physically. But he'd spike your drink with something that make you see him as beautiful as he then made all the right noises to pretend he were the opposite of bitter, mean, rude, offensive, annoying, outraging...a nasty, vindictive arsehole in a wheelchair, i.e. not willing to be more attractive a personality to reverse the damage, if you like. Instead, he'd make everything worse and keep compounding his situation. He'd have no clue how to stop that negative cycle but wouldn't want to anyway, because IT MAKES HIM FEEL CLEVERER THAN US NICE-NORMALS. And at least that's something - IF he can forever avoid being shown his reflection. If he 'hits' you and you don't dare complain, don't dare react at all (which he'll forcibly train you to do) - just take it, then, you're failing to show him his reflection. If you say, "Ow, you're mean!" - you're showing him his true reflection. You're supposed to say, "Sorry I looked at you wrong/breathed". Or, "I know it's just because you're stressed" (i.e. this monster is not the real you). If only they were capable of actually supaglue-ing that Lovely, Classy, Respectful, Genuinely Charming Guy mask on permanently, eh. Damn thing always slips or falls off. There's a brilliant victim-support meme that goes: If you spent as much effort as you do in PRETENDING to be a nice person, you could actually BE a nice person. (They're not interested in genuinely being Nice, though. That's for ("cuckoo!") weak suckers. In fact, the opposite is true: Only the strongest, healthiest have the spare strength left over (after having already taken care of themselves) that Being Nice takes. Duuh? See what complete shite Narcs think/talk?) "If there is any God or Allah or any supernatural power, or higher power. I want that power to either kill me or kill him. That's the only wish that I have now. Because I can't really breathe anymore." It won't kill you. It MIGHT kill him? Let's see... The bigger the blow, the longer it takes to cook up, plus the bigger the crime, the longer the power up there takes in order to lull them into a false sense of security, using "too much time with nothing bad happening to me" as it's main weapon... then - Bam! - choosing the worst-possible moment, i.e. gets them when they're down - basically does to them what they did to you and others. Even Nature does it. Nature basically sees to it that all abbormal, anti-Nature elements that upsets its balance are forced out of existence. But this, I know, is true. Because I always...always....find a way (or KEEP a way) to find out what happened to them. It's very simple. If you go around picking on others, trying to destroy them, and don't pick on your own size (because you're a deluded midget who's convinced himself he's a 6ft lumberjack), you are just destroying yourself, time and time again...committing Slow Suicide. I mean - why not just pick on a deadly microbe if you want 'smaller than you'? Size has nothing to do with it. Survival Instinct has. And that relies on good genes. He's going to spend the rest of his life being entertained for a while before being spat out again. He'll run out of people. He'll lose his looks as he ages, which will reduce his arrogance and ability to charm. And lose his renewable energy, no longer have the oomph to pretend, will lose more and more of his Nice Guy mask.............He'll die lonely and alone. What justice and vengeance WON'T Life wreak on him, is the real question here. "Everyone around me is getting married. Getting busy with their lives. And here I am." Here you are, earning a Docterate at the University Of Life. Yes. Sorry - what's your point? Listen, some people put their socks on first in the morning, some their shirt. What of it? What has anyone else on the planet got to do with you and what order YOU eat your Life Menu in? Have your pudding first if that's what you want/if that's how you're genetically programmed? Everything has the same amount of upsides as downsides. It really doesn't matter which item you do first. Maybe you're destined to be something big in the world before you settle down and have kids? Maybe if you married and had kids now, you'd be ucking miserable, whereas in the other order, elated? Just go with the flow (with your programming). You're You, and you're the only You that exists in this world and has ever in the entire history of mankind. It's not possible to be like everyone else if you're not like everyone else. If everyone was the same, this great machine would grind to a halt. It needs ALL types and sizes and positionings of cogs. So you're not a bog-standard cog. Well - GREAT! Plenty of time for marrying - AFTERWARDS. And that's if by the you even want to. You might be having too much existential affirmation and fun! You might be making a real difference to the world somehow. There's nothing wrong with you. There are hundreds of thousands like you out there. Maybe you just haven't met any of them yet? "The day he left me. It really was like as if he was on a bus and I was running after him and he left me alone." Being Abandoned. Yup. Plus shocking disappointment to the Power of One Hundred that you just can't get your head around (at first). "Till this date. I am here, sitting on a station. Waiting. Waiting for him to come back and take me home. Home. That we dreamed of. The life that we imagined together. That I can never imagine with someone else." This feeling is temporary. These feelings - what they mean is going on in your mind and brain - and the fact you won't want to ever experience heartbreak-headf**k like this again - are what will leave you very qualified and skilled to not need to date multiple blokes until you find your One. But, yeah. It feels mind-bendingly devastating, like you've been seamlessly plucked from Normal Life into a paralell universe one...and it's an evil place. But it's not. It's just how it feels. It's just a brain thing. Give yours a chance. Let it show you how powerful it is. You'll realise this fact by the time you're out the other end. You'll feel incredibly in awe of yourself, let alone immensely proud. But for now - Finding Nemo said it best: "Just keep swii-mming, just keep swii-mming". Or put another way: if you find yourself in the middle of Hell, KEEP WALKING. You can't quit, the process won't let you. You can't ever un-see and un-hear what you've witnessed too far for yourself now. You're simply mourning over a person who died by showing you he'd never existed to begin with. He is dead. And it turned out, he was a psychological-version serial killer. Bam!...Bam! Double whammy. You dodged a massive bullet. Yeah, you got whacked with a baseball bat. But you dodged the massive bullet. "If ever you don't here from me for more than 6 months. That would mean that I have finally gotten my peace. I am done. Looking at his picture today was a stark reminder of how HOW weak I am." Weak doesn't heal, weak doesn't grow. You have healing and growing pains. You're not weak, you're normal. And temporarily taken to your bed. "How much I love him. How much I miss him. How much I want him to come and take me. I miss him to my core. I don't remember the last time I slept peacefully." I know. Just keep swimming. Soon enough, you will emerge OUT of that sea of pain. Promise. For now - what can I do to help?

Here you go - this'll start you off: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW27ubHprMo&list=WL&index=2&t=1825s

"Looking after the second one, I just blocked him again. It made me so angry. And I also realized. SOUlMATE... that it has been more than a year. It didn't even occur to me that all of this happened in June 2022... Its 2024... I thought it was only a year... How will this pain ever go away... " It takes 2-5 years. Because it's not a mere relationship break-up. It was a full-blown conning. Emotional Rape, it's called. That sums it up better, doesn't it. It can cause you more trauma than a Vietnam Vet can shake a stick at. You've answered your own question in your first paragraph, though. You've only just accepted the whole picture, the full reality, of what he truly is like under that Great Guy act and Fakebook-ing. You KNOW it's not normal for a guy to treat a woman like that, to have that sick attitude towards them, to have a sense of entitlement that big based on outdated, woman-fearing b*llocks and zero compassion towards her...all of it. You KNOW it's equally abnormal for a guy not to be grief-stricken, same as you, following your break-up. That, if you're where you're at, emotionally, then HAD THE BONDING BEEN MUTUAL, making it the Two-Legged Race, he should be there too. But he's not. Because he was never genuinely tied to you. But that doesn't mean his happiness and enjoyment with life are genuine. You have to understand that he has treated you as he was treated, as resulted in him being a truly nasty piece of work, someone who could never behave like that if he'd had any Empathy, Compassion or Morals to speak of. The pain you feel because of it, is the pain he has lived with every single day of his life. Because he isn't made of stronger stuff, like you. Sensitive kid, weak -versus- sensitive kid, strong. One victim goes one way, another goes the opposite. Roll Over -v- Rebel. Granted, his will have dampened down by his age. But that doesn't improve his mindset any. Nice People are Happy People / Happy Peopleare Nice People Nasty People are Miserable People / Miserable People are Nasty People. Which one's he? There we go. He's irreversibly STUCK like that and pretending to like it. But what's the point of him now? His life truly IS meaningless. Except for material stuff and money. That's it. You imagine going shopping, spending money, day in, day out. You'd become bored sensless far quicker than you'd think. PLUS, money stops making you happy beyond 60-odd thousand dollars/75k stirling. He's f**ked. People ARE "Life"...but you have to be able to bond to them. F**KED, I tell you! He HAS no life; only a life sentance. You're not stuck permanently, you're just visiting. You'll be over this before you know it, and back on track (but stronger, faster, cleverer, increased likeability and allure...all of those amazing rewards/consolation-prizes). You might have spent too long braced and resisting him, that you got temporarily stuck in resistance mode, which then spilled over onto your ability to NOT resist the full-blown meaning of the whole affair and aftermath, added to your strong survival instinct just knowing that you'd cope better if 'given the news' in two halves. So really, it's like the full 100% has just hit you. *Conscious* You, I mean. (They don't call it waking-up for nothing.) But that doesn't matter, it'll catch up soon enough with your Inner Animal. Just FEELS like it matters. How you grieve is how you grieve. Your mind knows you best, it's the leading expert here. "I don't want to be this person." This isn't a personality. This is a first-time-encountered, post-Narcissistic Fauxlationship aftermath situation that's completely against-programme (anti-nature and anti-humanitarian...wholly unnatural) as produces an abnormally traumatic psychological event in every healthy person's mind. Empaths feel it worst, though. Hey-ho, they also feel bigger joy. 'Every cloud...'. Imagine if you'd had a close encounter kidnapping by an alien. And to make matters worse, before you'd managed to escape, it'd 'told' you that this life isn't real, that in reality you're wired to its matrix on its planet. ...Actually - no need to imagine. That's exactly what happened, effects-wise. In fact almost exactly, event-wise, if you think about it. You're a person who's severely injured, stuck in an emotional-hospital bed, emotional leg in traction, wishing she weren't there, but healing, regardless. That's not a person, it's a situation. You're just not used to not being in control of yourself. Every victim in your situation feels the same as you. Again, you need to 'hear' other victim-survivors speaking. "I would love to talk to you over call. I am sorry. I know it is a big ask. I know your forum has rules. But, I am at the rock bottom. Please, it is a request. I have just sent a personal email to the admin." It is indeed against policy, I'm afraid. Sorry. I'm here though - so is everyone else. I mean, you're supposed to be saying Hi to other thread-owners if you feel up to it? There are also archived threads under Relationships and Emotional that are closely similar to your own experience, if you want to have a Search? Again, though, what about your parents? Haven't they been supporting you in this aftermath? I mean, you sound like you need a hug?

(Sorry for certain repetitions but I could tell you needed them.)

Hello! I slept right after leaving this message. Took my medication. Yesterday was, well, no words. Felt some kind of a nervous breakdown. A panic attack. Something I haven't experienced for months. Felt like I was a pendulum. Going forth, staying there for a while. Thinking about how I miss & love him. And then swinging back, and staying there, recalling how fucked up that fucking asshole was. That son of a bitch. If only I could crush him. I wouldn't ever show any sympathy. Yesterday, I felt like I was 2 people. One, weak, sad, pathetic, childish, stupid, who wants to be in his presence, in his arms. And the other one, who is screaming, angry, confident, is full of revenge, who would never think twice if ever had a gun to his fucking head. I was going through my messages from yesterday. Feels like some lunatic wrote those messages. Two very different messages. Amazed at what your mind can do to you. Thank you for such in-depth replies. I woke up to your messages (the first set). Have been reflecting on everything you have said. Very accurate. To answer your questions. 1. What qualities do I look for in my partner/husband. --- I look for support, honesty, empathy. I love Brené Brown. When she speaks about Vulnerability, and having no shame being vulnerable, that's who I am. I want a relation where there is absolutely no judgement. Usually, people start with pre-nups. With Finances. With material aspects. For me, its always the person, goals, companionship & how can I play a role that the other person moves one step closer. I want someone who believes in the power of bonds. Real ones. Who doesn't make me feel that "I am just a female", the "weaker gender". There shouldn't be any communication barriers. And, saying sorry, shouldn't be a big deal. Acknowledging mistakes is the best way to build a relationship. 2. Does my mum & dad support me emotionally? --- Yes, my mom & my brother the most. That's because I don't want to show a lot of emotions to my dad. His side of the family played a huge role in tarnishing or ruining my mum's life & this engagement that I had with that person (Good thing they ruined it though... But still, they talked about my character). My mom tells me the exactly what you have been telling me. The difference is that I don't know why, your words make a larger impact. And with her, I feel like she is saying this just because she is my mother. Part of me reached out to this forum because I felt like what if I am the bad guy. What if my mom's the bad person who said no to them when they said my mother should ask for forgiveness. To validate that I have not ruined my "Beautiful" relationship with that person. They love me. My parents absolutely love me. They tell me what I should be doing, or getting married like the society would to a 28 year old (will turn 29 this year). I am the sole breadwinner right now. And they have been telling me that imagine if you can support a family of 4, that too during such emotional pressure, what else can I achieve if only I let this go. My father is lost his job last year. And he has been trying to tell me since then, to be myself again. The person who would watch shark tank for hours. Dreaming of a business. Someone passionate about marketing. It's my first love. Marketing. 3. My life before I met him. --- A super SUPER confident person. Someone who has been fighting to break gender norms. I was the first girl of my family to get such a high education. I always thought that females can do sooo much more. All they need is a chance, an equal chance to work, play their role. I first talked to this person because all of the girls around me had boyfriends. And I didnt. It was 2010, very old incident. And when we started talking, he had no passion of his own. Very average student. Not earning. He was 4 years older than me (That's what he said but now if I do the math, he is 6-7 years older). I was good at everything. Debates, studies, music, everything. Full of life. He used to tell me that I had alot of "ego". That I would call out. For instance, if he would say something about women being the weaker gender. I would straight up say no. I would argue. And he used to say, someday I would brainwash all of this. He would laugh. He has said this to me multiple times. Brainwashing. I didnt know then. Then, he cheated. Saw his messages. Blocked him. For 3 years. No contact. During that time, I studied hard. Changed cities. And I got into the best university in the country. It's in the QS rankings. Very difficult to get in. He tried too back in his time. He didn't get in when he applied. I was amazing. Scored very high GPA. Had a startup (final year project). Very entrepreneurial. Got several awards. Real time campaigns. And then, I met someone. I didn't like him a lot. That's a different story. And everybody had a boyfriend. I felt like even though 3 years ago I left him, he was the one I laughed with. the best time ever. I could talk for hours. And sooo, one day, I saw a message from him. And that, THAT was my BIGGEST mistake ever. He took my name. And I, I ran to him. And then, we talked for 3 years again. Got engaged. The moment he got a post-doc opportunity in the US, his mother said bullshit. And thats when my mother said no. Just "no". And to which his mother called me, told me that she would kill me etc etc. You know what happened next. I had a dream SOULMATE. That I would be powerful. In terms of having multiple businesses. The world will know me for talking about gender inequalities. That I would create opportunities for women. That I will be known. One of the biggest qualities that I think I have is that I am not scared. There was a time I gave a test for Police forces. 2 years ago. I got in. But, he told me that women shouldn't be in the Police. I am daring. I can call out. I can stand very firm. There was a professor in my university, during masters. The curriculum that the university designed was absolutely not what it should have been. I was the only one who took action. Turns out that there was major corruption. And, there were cases of exploiting students. So, I gathered all material. I documented everything. I talked to students to just atleast back me by being in the "cc" of that email. And out of 100, 9 did. And I sent that email to the highest authorities. There were layoffs. So much corruption was uncovered. Budget was going in the higher management's pockets. The teachers they were hiring were not at all qualified to teach what we were supposed to learn. And we were paying high bucks. Almost, 3 month salary of a well-earning person would go to 1 semester fee. And so I did it. The administration is divided. They know me. Some hate. Some praise me. But, I am glad. Regardless of the hatred, the new students are now going to study the correct material. The details of what I faced are horrifying. My grades etc. But, I fought & that's who I am. I should be known for courage. But WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON FROM THIS SICK son of a bitch. God knows. He did brain wash me. I love symphony 9 - ode to joy. Special interest in music. Got myself a very amazing instrument. But he told me that you shouldn't play. Its prohibited in Islam. And there he was, talking to naked women, sending hearts, and subscribing to porn on monthly basis. He bragged about it... 4. Commenting on people's threads. --- I have read through soooo many threads. There were times, I wanted to answer. But, I didn't. What if I give wrong advice or you know say something that's incorrect. Because I am emotionally unwell. Thank you to whoever you are. I wish I had you as a friend. Life is short. Very short. And I want to spend it like a human. Not a robot. I want to be a change maker. I did send an email to the admin with my details. You are welcome to see who I am. Atleast you will know who you are talking to. My prayers and best wishes are always there for you. I wish I can be there for you. Would love to talk someday SOULMATE. You have supported me so much. More than any friend would ever do. Thank you for existing. I will follow the diet that you have sent me. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Be with you tomorrow or Sunday - bear with a bit!

Helloooo! But - Meh... I've run out of time so it's going to have to be tomorrow night now. I admit, I didn't expect you to respond so immediately. Sorry, I won't forget, it's just a case of When with me, not If. Well - you know that, don't you... How long ago was your first-ever visit here?

Hello! I totally understand. And, definitely, you can reply whenever you get some free time. My first visit was a long time ago. Maybe 3-4 years. Looking forward to hearing from you.

When you feel better, pull up to his spot and beat the shit out of him Befriend some gang members or local crackheads, get them jump in and rob him. Jokes.. or not. Up to you lol Also if it makes you feel any better, $48,000 is broke. Especially for a PhD.. that's chump change. He's being taken advantage of because he's an immigrant. Its very unlikely that he's going to pull a hot white model. Put it into perspective, my family makes like 2-3x more than that and we still live paycheck to paycheck.

If a man ever makes it seem like he can do better than you, let him go. Let him find better. Do not give him access to you ever again From an American perspective, you sound ridiculous. He's not doing as great as you think he is, if he's telling you otherwise he's just putting up a front. Seriously, just focus on your health and financial goals for now

Hey, both of you! (Psst, H: Don't know about you, but I'm a bit scared after reading what Nav put - haha!....) "When you feel better, pull up to his spot and beat the shit out of him" "Befriend some gang members or local crackheads, get them jump in and rob him." HAHA, In fact, that cracked me up! I've got one: OR.... slowly and steadily boil him in hot water...."Boiling Frog Syndrome" (- google, H), but for-real - see how HE likes it! Highly satisfying to imagine, not very practical, though. I mean, wouldn't befriending gangsters and muggers be a case of H going from the frying-pan, into the fire? Yeeaah, ya see?...didn't think of that, did ya, Holmes. Plus - they could secretly be his mates. (Wouldn't put it past him.) Saying that, if you and I lived down the road from H, I can't say I wouldn't be up for some threesome football practise. Or foursome if you count him (he could be the goal) (and the football). Hahah, you've got ME at it now - stop it at once, you bad influence, you! Hahahaha. Nah. Seriously... Stuff like that would only work on a functional Neurotypical. Trust me: Ignoring them totally as if they don't exist nor ever did (because that's true, anyway) half-kills them. That's not me exaggerating, you can google it. Or I could stop being a lazy arse and consult my trusty archives. (Trouble is, there's too much in them nowadays!) I'm not really being lazy, I've been down and out with a tummy bug these last few days. Which is on top of the Viral version of the Narc Cycle Of Abuse (- google, H) that is this latest bloody Covid, which I've been suffering since beginning December (better-worse-better-worse, up-down-up-down). Non-testable, far milder (which isn't saying much) but...too reminiscent of last year and the year before in how it behaves. Anway - here we go (((my double brackets and asterisks)): https://practicalpie.com/ignoring-a-narcissist/ "Ignoring a narcissist can lead to intense reactions, including anger, manipulation, and potential self-destruction, as their need for attention is unfulfilled. ((Potential self-DESTRUCTION, look!)) Narcissists thrive on a continuous supply of attention and admiration from others, often referred to as their 'narcissistic supply.' This supply is crucial for maintaining their inflated self-perception and masking their deep-seated insecurities. ((CRUCIAL!)) *****The role of attention in sustaining a narcissist's ego cannot be overstated. It is like oxygen to them... without it, they feel suffocated and threatened. Every compliment, every acknowledgment, and every validation feeds their grandiose self-image. When this attention is withdrawn, narcissists feel a profound loss, almost akin to a physical one. This loss can trigger a range of reactions that are rooted in their desperate need to regain their narcissistic supply.***** ((Psychologically, it's their Oxygen. ...OXYGEN.)) For instance, imagine a charismatic leader used to constant praise and admiration from his team. If his team starts ignoring him, no longer laughing at his jokes or praising his ideas, he would feel an intense lack of control. This threat to his narcissistic supply could trigger manipulative and controlling behaviors, as he strives to regain the attention he feels entitled to. ((H, have you googled Hoovering / Hoovering after the Discard yet? Read about how you mustn't soften or give in.) The immediate emotional response of a narcissist being ignored typically involves anger, denial, and manipulation. They might lash out at the person ignoring them, accusing them of being ungrateful or selfish. Alternatively, they might deny any change in the person's behavior, insisting that they are still as adored and admired as ever. In some cases, they may resort to manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting, to regain the person's attention. The long-term repercussions of ignoring a narcissist can be severe, leading to what is known as 'narcissistic injury' and 'narcissistic rage.' Narcissistic injury refers to the damage to a narcissist's self-esteem or self-worth, while narcissistic rage is an intense anger directed at the person they perceive as causing this injury. This rage can manifest as verbal abuse, physical aggression ((- not a problem for you, given the distance)), or punitive actions like spreading rumors ((too late!)) or damaging the person's property ((ditto))..." ((So, as you can now appreciate - he'd probably prefer the gang-beating or mugging over being ignored and getting zero reaction from you, H. So let's *not* give him what he wants, eh. Because it's obvious he's trying to get a rise out of you, wearing that watch. He might even be trying to manoeuvre you into position to be his free prostitute substitute (sorry, no offence) whenever he visits his parents, eh. I'll say it again: you were head-over-heels in-love with him. And that makes a woman "bloody good in bed".)) "...The Narcissist's Manipulative Tactics Narcissists are skilled manipulators, and when ignored, they often resort to various tactics to regain attention. One such tactic is gaslighting, a psychological maneuver where they manipulate others into questioning their reality. For example, they might deny saying something hurtful or accuse the person of being overly sensitive or misremembering events... Your Emotional Well-being Ignoring a narcissist can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being. On one hand, you may experience relief from the constant pressure of catering to the narcissist's needs and navigating their manipulation. This newfound freedom can provide a respite from the emotional exhaustion that often accompanies dealing with a narcissist. However, ignoring a narcissist can also induce feelings of guilt and confusion. Narcissists are adept at making others feel responsible for their emotional state ((AND their cost-of-living if you lived with them)). Thus, disengaging might make you feel as if you're abandoning them or exacerbating their distress. ((Remember: They positively INSISTED on bringing it all on themselves. They might genuinely feel terrible, or just out for blood. But the difference between them and their target/victim is: ***THEY COMPLETELY LACK THE RIGHT TO.*** Only the victim has the right to feel bitter and sorry for her/himself.)) Consider the case of Maria, who decided to ignore her narcissistic mother. While she felt a sense of relief not having to constantly validate her mother's exaggerated achievements, she also struggled with guilt, questioning if she was being a bad daughter by distancing herself. Her confusion was further fueled by her mother's manipulative behavior, such as crying bouts and guilt-tripping messages. The Possible Self-Destructive Path When consistently ignored, a narcissist may embark on a self-destructive path. The absence of their narcissistic supply can result in feelings of isolation and loneliness. The narcissist, used to being the center of attention, might find this new reality deeply unsettling, leading to a significant drop in their self-esteem. Some narcissists might engage in risk-taking behaviors to fill this void. They might resort to substance abuse, reckless driving, or promiscuity, seeking thrill or validation in these destructive behaviors. Such actions serve two purposes: they provide a temporary distraction from their feelings of worthlessness and are a desperate bid to attract attention. The Long-Term Consequences of Ignoring a Narcissist Ignoring a narcissist can have long-term consequences, both for the narcissist and for yourself. For the narcissist, it might prompt a journey of self-reflection and change, or it could lead to a deepening of their destructive behaviors. Your own mental and emotional health may improve as you distance yourself from the narcissist's toxicity, although feelings of guilt and confusion may persist. In the long run, ignoring a narcissist can be an effective strategy to protect your well-being and potentially prompt change in the narcissist. However, it's crucial to remember that every situation is unique, and what works for one person might not work for another. If you decide to ignore a narcissist, ensure you have a robust support system in place and consider seeking professional advice to navigate this challenging situation. 15 Things They Might Do Anger: They may react with an intense, immediate outburst of anger. This is usually their initial response to the threat of losing their narcissistic supply. Denial: Narcissists might deny the change in your behavior, insisting they still receive the same amount of attention and admiration. Manipulation: They can employ various manipulative tactics to regain your attention, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting. Playing the Victim: Narcissists might portray themselves as the wronged party, hoping to provoke guilt and regain your attention. Smear Campaign: They may start spreading rumors about you, attempting to paint themselves as the victim and tarnish your reputation. ***Hoovering***: This refers to their attempts to suck you back into the relationship, often by behaving charmingly or promising to change. ((OR - as this website is obviously talking merely about "Benign/Classic" NPD - TRY TO PROVOKE YOU TO CONTACT (because you need to scream and shout at him out of the injusticie!) VIA FAKEBOOK, cranking it up from there IF you let them get their foot in the door.)) Narcissistic Rage: If their initial reactions don't work, they might experience narcissistic rage, an intense anger and aggression directed at you. Isolation: With the loss of their narcissistic supply, they might withdraw socially, feeling isolated and lonely. Engaging in Risky Behaviors: They might resort to substance abuse, reckless driving, or promiscuity in a bid to attract attention or cope with their feelings of worthlessness. ((I'd put big money on his already being promiscuous, actually.)) Depression: The loss of their narcissistic supply can lead to depressive symptoms in some narcissists. Stalking: In some extreme cases, narcissists might resort to stalking, either physically ***or online**, in a desperate bid to regain control. Threats: They might make threats, either against you or themselves, in an attempt to manipulate you into paying attention to them. Creating a New Narcissistic Supply: If they can't regain your attention, they might quickly move on to a new person who can provide them with the admiration they crave. Seeking Professional Help: In rare cases, the loss of their narcissistic supply might prompt them to recognize their harmful behaviors and seek therapy ((if they're Benign, yes, but he isn't)). Change: If they choose to seek help, they might start exhibiting signs of change over time, such as increased self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to take responsibility for their actions. ____________________________________________________ There we go, H. If he's already trying to lure you with visual aids (N-Spath: uses actual props), then, he might well keep trying and (involuntarily) get increasingly too obvious....obvious to everyone, even. Get him into a position where they can't help themselves exposing their dark side to their 'fanclub' and losing all but the dross (who stick around because he's vulnerable and lame, meaning, can snack on him).

"If a man ever makes it seem like he can do better than you, let him go. Let him find better. Do not give him access to you ever again" GOD, yes! "From an American perspective, you sound ridiculous." Nope. She's being normal. You didn't get to fall - sorry - PLUMMET - into love with that Narc chap you liked. Plus, he wasn't a full-blown N-Spath who'd made you believe wholeheartedly that he was the man you were going to spend the rest of your life with (which belief doesn't shift fast enough, even after you realise the con-job). Trust me, you'd have been 'ridiculous' too. Have a trundle through the "Relationships" archives and see how many Americans have been affected/knocked-for-six like our H, here.

Hello Soulmate & Nav! Thanks for the replies. This week I went ahead and planned my goals. For the first time in 2 years, I mean after 2022... I felt like "Oh Ok, I have a mission & goals". I found some pictures like a picture of a yacht, a picture of northern lights. I used to have them on my vision board. However, he told me that I was being silly. So, I took them off. But this week... I put them up again. This platform is a life-changer. Nav's point. Hire someone and beat the shit out of him. Umm no. I wouldn't hire someone. I might want to do it on my own. But, there is something weird happening. I am getting irritated or uneasy thinking about facing him, or talking to him. Yes, I am still very angry. But, I don't want to go back. I would love to see him suffer though. I want him to die. Not physically. But, on the inside. Just like he killed me. I guess I am made for something different. I wasn't just supposed to be someone's wife. Thank you soulmate, for making me understand that getting married and starting a family is not the solution and neither it was supposed to be a plan in the first place. This week, I sort of went out of my body, and observed myself. As if I was looking at a person. I realized how badly I was deceived, manipulated. It took away my smile. The will to live. Slowly and gradually, I will get better. Hopefully. I am working towards my goals everyday. Oh, and I started consuming turmeric, I am drinking chamomile tea. Again, I will always remember you in my prayers. I still need you. And please know that I am here for you. I know there is a strict policy. but, I am here. Always. You are the reason I am alive. I am planning goals. My mom says thank you.

"Hello Soulmate & Nav!" I'll give Nav a knock so she sees this. "Thanks for the replies. This week I went ahead and planned my goals. For the first time in 2 years, I mean after 2022... I felt like "Oh Ok, I have a mission & goals". I found some pictures like a picture of a yacht, a picture of northern lights. I used to have them on my vision board. However, he told me that I was being silly. So, I took them off. But this week... I put them up again." YESS! (Air-punch!) "This platform is a life-changer." Thank-you, but it's half-and-half . teamwork. So if this platform is a lifechanger then so are you. HAHA! Stick around, then, if you like? Wouldn't be long before "another You" came along, and what with your new-found knowledge/awareness and va-va-voom, you'd be well-placed to support and advise that person. Or even find someone at your same stage, whereby you can walk up the Recovery Path together. Plus, I need more regulars. Fancy it? (*cute puppydog eyes*) "Nav's point. Hire someone and beat the shit out of him." HAHA! That was funny. " Umm no. I wouldn't hire someone." Nah, she did say she was joking. " I might want to do it on my own." Ooh - I say! I wasn't expecting that? The Lioness has re-discovered her roar, eh? That's more like it! :) "But, there is something weird happening. I am getting irritated or uneasy thinking about facing him, or talking to him. Yes, I am still very angry. But, I don't want to go back." Yes, because your mind is accepting that he is a malintentious, emotionally dangerous, potentially physically-dangerous, social predator. Plus, you probably just have TOO MUCH TO SAY (yell) so - where the hell to start?! And would you ever finish?! "I would love to see him suffer though. I want him to die. Not physically. But, on the inside. Just like he killed me." TRIED to kill you. You're stronger and cleverer than him, that's WHY he tried to secretly chip away at you, your bones and muscles (strength, confidence, trust in yourself, all of it). But he's already dead, mate. Well, half of him his. But yeah, that article tells you how to bury him. Maybe you'd be doing him a favour. It is, after all, only about Him-Him-Him so only when his dirty deeds boomerang round to impact HIM would he give in to the idea of seeking professional medical help (unless he were too far gone). As I say, you'd definitely save an awful lot of other women/people (they lose all control without realising, and end up showing their a*se to EVERYONE and in such a shocking thus inarguable fashion that everyone runs or shuffles away. "I guess I am made for something different. I wasn't just supposed to be someone's wife." Can I borrow your Crystal-Ball after you, please? All you know is you're not meant to be someone's wife NOW, at THIS juncture. There's something to do, first, to become wife material (as in - been there, done that, ready now). It's your life, you do what you bloody want with it - and in any bloody order you like! There ISN'T any Normal Way to do anything any more - GO FOR IT, take advantage of that to chart your own path, or, I should say, let your path tempt your feet in its direction. "Thank you soulmate, for making me understand that getting married and starting a family is not the solution and neither it was supposed to be a plan in the first place. This week, I sort of went out of my body, and observed myself. As if I was looking at a person. I realized how badly I was deceived, manipulated. It took away my smile. The will to live." Well, that was very clever of you (and you're welcome!). It was never YOUR plan to begin with, though, was it. It was your culture's and its traditions. (Yeah, look where sticking to tradition for too long has got the world, yeah, great...) "Slowly and gradually, I will get better. Hopefully." No hopefully about it - it's in your programme to. It's taking you there whether you like it or not. Plus, you've already shown me a Recovery Path landmark so...you're already WELL on your way. Reckon your needle had just got stuck a bit (thanks to post-Covid etc) - and now you're off again. Fair observation? "I am working towards my goals everyday. Oh, and I started consuming turmeric, I am drinking chamomile tea." Good on ya! (PS - interesting, little-known fact: the more healthy food you introduce, the more and more it becomes super-tasty, until your old foodstuff tastes like chemical-laden *shite*. And suddenly, you've got more energy and optimism.) "Again, I will always remember you in my prayers. I still need you. And please know that I am here for you. I know there is a strict policy. but, I am here. Always. You are the reason I am alive. I am planning goals. My mom says thank you." Can I win the Lottery, please? :D Well, stick around and pay it forward, then - simples! :) Gosh (blush-blush). But don't forget - this venue only exists thanks to Richard.

Sorry - forgot to add: "Hi, Mum! You're welcome, too! :)"

PS - future tip: "However, he told me that I was being silly." Say: Really? Fan-tastic - THANKS for that...Someone last week told me I was too sensible and serious and should silly-up a bit! ....That's made my day, that has (*beam hugely at them*...they'll probably find some excuse to leave - in secret disgust and shame of Player-failure - so they could go home, rip off their mask and have a proper meltdown in private.) I call it - pissing on their firework (while humouring them for the amusement and power re-couping of it). (I bloody love subtle sarcasm, I do.) Me, I picture the Malignants as a load of half Jeffrey Dharmers: they want to literally own and possess you so they drug your "food and drink" and beating you badly, so that you're too half-dead to ever get up and leave...and just sit there beside them and slowly rot. A lot of experts call them Slow Murderers. (Probably best NOT to show this bit to Mum, she might freak-out.)

PS: I'm STILL laughing. Additionally, now, because of the way Nav so easily drew that lionesse back out! (Nice one, Navster!)

Here...If you were GOING to post (and you mustn't, but - fun hypothetical) - me, I'd put this: "What - can't afford a new watch?" (evil cackle)

PS: ...by which I also meant - Has this, by Nav, properly sunk in yet? "Also if it makes you feel any better, $48,000 is broke. Especially for a PhD.. that's chump change. He's being taken advantage of because he's an immigrant. Its very unlikely that he's going to pull a hot white model. Put it into perspective, my family makes like 2-3x more than that and we still live paycheck to paycheck."

Here - come check-out Fangtall's thread. Fangs, I'm now calling him. He's just blown his dog-whistle and "released the hounds" on his 'Farter'. ...or - Wolf. https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13524/Issues-reconnecting-with-my-father#jumptobottom

Oh, no, I've only just realised - that was your Goodbye post! AWWWW? Oh, well, you've got goals now to focus on. That's really good. Because I reckon you could excel at anything. Honestly, do try to read up on how the 'production' you and your folks put on (truthfully - counter-production) was so rare and incredible. I mean, family-wise, it was like Torville & Dene (but with 2 Denes, making it a threesome lol). So read up on "How To Out-Narc the Narcissist". Yeah. If you can handle a sociopathic Narc like him, including not having been like most people, i.e. too timid plus too proud to let your parents BE your team-mates, then, H...you can handle anyone and anything. You three successfully nailed jelly to the ceiling and made it stay there! And now it's just sat up there, dissolving and shrinking to nothing. You're genii, is what you three are. You come back to say Hi any time. You've been a joy to assist, you really have.

Hello S! No, it wasn't a good bye post. Maybe, I will never say good bye. I have decided to move out of this country. I can and never will... fit in. I realized this the hard way. It is now me against patriarchy. Funny I never realized that whatever happened to me, the core, the single deeply rooted reason is male dominance. Last week was hard. My father loves me. He has been there. But, when it comes to my mom, or me. He is overly protective. In a way that is not protection. It's like he owns us. As if I am an object that will be transferred to a buyer. A wealthy, well-behaved, Buyer.. There was a family wedding. I went there S. The very place that I hate. But I went because my father wanted to be with his family, his mom. So just for his happiness. But, at the end of the event he took us to their house. To my grandmother's. They were unwelcoming as usual. My brother didn't come inside. He hates the family. Because of what they did to me, my mom, to him. My father got really upset on the way back. Called my brother a psycho. And S... I LOST IT. For the first time in 2 years I lost it. I told him to shut the F*** up. I told him that if he wants to meet anybody, he should do it on his own. Why take us to a place where we aren't welcomed. That's when he couldn't stand it. He told me he will kill me. That he would kill us all. That I am just a girl. That he would stop me from going out of the house. I told him the HE DOES NOT FUCKING OWN ME. I am a person. A human being. With a set of emotions, beliefs, values, thoughts, desires. I should be able to SAY NO. SAY NO WHEN I WANT TO. SAY NO WHEN IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. And so does my brother... I cant keep up with this culture. This society. What is society after all S? Who are we referring to? Society is US. Me and you. Why complicate it and make it something bigger than us to maximize its impact? That's just another tool under a patriarch's death. I am not afraid S. I WILL NOT Back off. I will move out & I will fight. And yes, I will give back to the "Society". I will show the females that its just a protective layer that the male species is using when they say "Stop, do as I say, what will the society say". Taking action is a sin? If it is a sin. Then fine. I would like to commit it again and again. I will wreck everyone who comes in my way and makes me feel like shit. "Just a Girl".... That I don't make much money. Look how close I have gotten to you. You will see my progress. I will keep you posted. I am fearless now. And you have a major role. You have been amazing. Thank you. Will remember you in my prayers.

Heya! Not ignoring you - be with you soon as poss (Friday probs). Quick response for-now: "No, it wasn't a good bye post. Maybe, I will never say good bye. " Yes please? :)))))) Are you going to try a post? Remind me - did you ever play respondent before? You defo should now. Youz a Narc-Slayer. :) Aka Super-Nova Empath (google). We should hold an inauguration ceremony when this happens, we should, haha. Bit laters, Narc-slayer-gater!

PS: Maybe you could help ABCD ("Proposal Ultimatum...")? I've suggested he rope in his parents, too, but I don't think it hit home with him; he's under intense time and financial pressure, you see. The simple fact is, unless you know it's a Narc you're up against (and what type/M.O.) AND are a pro narc-slayer - one individual is going to find it hard going, battling or trying to keep (this case a) him contained/civilised (and his Smother). It's JUST SENSIBLE to call in your favourite troops. ...Like you and your foks instinctually knew (hence didn't go into shock, dealt with it cleverly...too cleverly for them, ha-HA!). You CAN do it alone. But why would you exhaust yoursself if you don't have to??? A good leader-type DELEGATES if necessary. Knows when it is neccessary. Innit. See if you can invite him over to read your post, starting with the linked history? He's trying to be all manly-stoic. Yeah, fine for Normal Land. But not bloody La-La. Goes against you (makes everything its own opposite). You don't have to though, I can always just post your link on his thread. But you have being Fianced to a Narc in-common. So in terms of pathological, restricted behavioural scripts, that makes you two "twins" and you, probably, more comforting than me for that simple fact. :)