Question about money matters in my family

Hi I hope you can help me about what to do. My dad is 89 years old and lives by himself after his wife, my mother, died back in 2022. I have a sister, about the same age as me. She is married. I am currently single. My dad has been a farmer for most of his early life but retired many years ago when he was in his early 60s. I would not say that my father is rich in terms of cash, but the land he was farming on – he is renting out to another farmer now – and in recent years the “rent” has been rising significantly due to scarcity in the area. If he would sell the land – it would probably be worth around the equivalent of 1 million USD or a little less. But his savings account is far from that amount. My dad has never been a “money person” – meaning, he is not – like many other people – obsessed with money – he does not care about money - and he usually tries to spend as little money as possible. He drives around in an old rusty car from 2003. He hardly ever buys things for himself, but in general he is generous to other people, but sometimes his “saving-mania” is almost too much for me – like when he continues to use old worn-out clothing etc. About ½ a year ago he said to me that he wanted to give me and my sister some money – because his savings account was rising constantly, and he did not know what to do with the money. I told him that instead of giving me and my sister the money he should spend it on himself – maybe buy a new (used) car etc. But he said that he would rather have that we get some money. I have a good job and my sister and her husband too. We are not in need of any money. However, it is his choice. Several months ago, he then transferred approximately USD 3.500 – first to my sister and some weeks later to me. He did that in an app that his bank has provided. Earlier today he asked me if I could help him, because he had a larger payment to do – and he does not really know how to transfer money if he can´t use that beforementioned app. In addition his eye-sight is also getting worse. Of course I wanted to help him. So, I helped him make the transfer. To my big surprise I then saw on his account statement that probably a month ago – or even earlier – he had transferred another amount to my sister so that she in total had received more than 10.000 USD. Even though my dad turns 90 in October, he has the brain of a 20-year-old. Things that I would easily forget, he remembers. He does not in any way have Alzheimer's / dementia etc. and he has not changed character or personality for many years. His mind is clear as ever. I know for a fact that my dad hasn´t borrowed money from my sister and I know with close to 100% certainty that there are no “outstanding amounts” due between them. Like I said – I am not living in poverty – I think he should have kept the money for himself. However, when I see that my sister now has received significantly more money from my father than I have – then it honestly makes me sad. I know that if he meant to pay me the same amount – then he would never forget that after having made the payments to my sister first. Before this story gets too long: I must also say that my sister has always been MUCH closer to my dad than I have, whereas I was probably closer to my mother than my sister was. Me and my dad are just very different in many ways. I am a sensitive person, and he can be quite “rough” and disrespectful sometimes – with a clear lack of empathy. I know it sounds strange when I say he lacks empathy when he is giving me and my sister money – but that is how I feel about it. I have never said it to his face – but I think that my dad in many aspects treated my mother with big disrespect – and maybe he has sensed that I felt that way. I have seen my mom cry many times after he said something to her. She was a very sensitive person too. What bothers me is that he is giving my sister more money than me. YES - It is his money – he decides what to do with it. And I would TOTALLY understand if my sister was struggling financially that he would support her more. But the combined monthly disposable income of my sister and brother-in-law is significantly higher than my personal disposable income every month. What should I do? Just keep silent? Make some “hidden” remarks like – “I wonder what my sister and bro-in-law are going to use all that money on.”? Before this message gets too long: It has to be said that there have been periods throughout recent years where me and my sister haven´t spoken much together. A year or so before my mother died, I received a DEEPLY disrespectful message on Messenger from my sister. She told me that she thought that I did not contribute enough in terms of my mother’s sickness, helping her etc. – and it made me equally mad and angry as well as it made me sad too – because I did not in ANY way contribute less than my sister did. I have had numerous visits from my mother after she knew her illness was terminal – where she cried and we had some deep conversations and I helped her in the best way possible. My dad never was a big help when my mother was sick - but my sister being very close to my father - never said to him that he did not contribute enough. There have been other incidents where my sister has just treated me like (sorry for my French) a pile of crap – and where I found her to be deeply disrespectful towards me. She also has a crazy temper – I don´t think I have EVER experienced a person who can go from zero to a hundred in seconds – and become totally furious and scream and yell. As of now me and my sister speak together - but not very often – but I don´t think we will EVER – get very close anymore in this life. With the danger of sounding very negative towards all my family members – I have to also say that her husband is a manipulative “snake”. Some years ago when my dad talked about selling his farm and I told him I was interested in buying – my bro-in-law made some “arrangements” by manipulating my sister so she would not let me and my dad enter into this deal about the farm. The problem was that they were interested in buying too – but they had just a few months earlier purchased an expensive house – so they had no possibility to buy the farm. It was just 112% clear to me that if they could not get the farm – then I should certainly not get it either. I never told them how I feel about it - but it actually makes me more and more angry as years pass. Long story short – what would you do in my case? Ask my dad directly why he is not treating me and my sister in an equal way? Just accept that it is HIS money and he decides who to give and how much? Considering my relationship with my sister and their prosperous financial situation it bothers me massively that my father is giving her more money than me – and not doing this with equal amounts Sorry for the long tirade - but I had to get it off my mind - and thank you in advance for your input and comments!

Given your history with your sister & your father's clear mind, you should be asking him straight up about what's going on with your sister. If he trusts you enough to assist him with money transfers then there shouldn't be a issue with him telling you.

Thank-you, Mannie, M'Colleague - over to me for the Splainin' (and thank god you're back again!)... Abacadabra (- yeah, got hawk-eyes me - your R's missing.....best say that carefully, haha), Welcome, but - Money issue my bottom... Money is just the prize and symptom,...the pawn..., not the problem itself (same as it not guns that kill people, it's killers that use guns to kill people, whereas defenders use it to self- and other-protect...against killers). I don't have to change the category to Relationships though, if you don't want, because to be fair, money IS the medium and catalyst so... up to you entirely to choose, just let me know (when you know...No hurry). Suspect sister takes after Dad but, equally, studied Mum. Good at manipulating him. Albeit it sounds as if, where Mum Was concerned, she HAD to. Still - more-sociably pre-programmed sister watched and learned, no doubt oblivious to the fact of whether it had been rightful and self-defensive. ('It's what females do to get whatever it is they want/need'.) And Dad's clearly been using the shirt off his back to people-please/butter-up people OTHER than himself and his family, so...if she's stepped into your late Mum's-sorry, *Mother's (;)) counter-manipulative shoes, but with his mean, penny-pinching, money-as-tool/shield/weapon/barrier to bonding (Covert Narc) attitude the other half of the time (which usually includes mean with their time and attention, too)....that's whatcha get. That and a frequently crying Mum. Blister was obviously neglected (while just fed non-nutritious indulgence food by Dad in return for her approval and unconditional (seeming) love?) and had to formulate her own conclusions and navigation tools (with a mind not nearly mature or experienced enough for such adult subtly and nuance). But, ultimately, with ongoing inappropriate, obnoxious, antagonistic and aggressive behaviour like hers...a Pervasive Pattern now on the increase.... the question is NOT, Is she a Covert who's finally found the opportunity to cease giving an uck and peeled her Nice or even Once-just-TOLERABLE mask off. It's, how could she NOT be! And - You have described a Narc! (* I couldn't help but notice that despite you consistently typed Dad, you didn't de-formalise from Mother to Mum until you'd finally let us in on Sister (from now on known as Blister).) I know she used to be or seem close to him, but - that's Narcs for ya. As soon as they want something more than they do you, you and you - it's like in all those years, after masses of investment on your part, you've earned ZERO credits!...compared to one-upmanship, money, power, you mean NADA. They can and do just turn on ya (they're the ones who've been causing the Silver-Haired Divorces in the last 10/15 years...Whoops, I'm NOT your loving spouse of 30 years, it just suited me at the time to play teh game - see ya, whatever ya name is!). Wanting the mother's 'throne'...her 'title'... to be The Matriarch. Seen this situation happen a lot...it's like a ridiculously OTT version of Musical Chairs where they snatch the chair away. It's all about self-appointed heirarchy and over-competitiveness or inappropriate competitiveness and combativeness with her type. ...And now that they've got power (in the form of family self-Promotion and dosh)...out comes the narcissistic behaviour (because now they're RICH and don't need YOU so - Fur Queue!) (...seething, stunted kids in grown-up suits). Ergo I am betting that she copied her mother's (counter-) emotional manipulation tactics but for the power of bad (selfishness on so many levels). Hah. Just got to the bit about the deeply disrespectful message. ANOTHER Narc Red Flag. And understand...those siblings whom were badly affected by narcissistic dynamics and goings-on, no matter how supposedly subtle those were, whom were more sensitive AND weak/fragile with it, includingi sociable, but nnnnnnot as intelligent nor independent-minded as Toi, can go for years before not-so-gradually removing the mask as they plonk their jumped-up, emotionally thick, mean-minded bums on said throne. And now, suddenly, the once-tolerable Give even a very covert Covert a power role and all it does is bring out the monster. Saying that - she might NOT be as well-off/comfortable as she's been making out and needed a loan. Or she could be carrying-out her snake's wishes (at this later stage: "or else"). She sounds like a Covert Narc who's married a BIGGER Narc! Unless what you know about his snake-ness is merely her giving him a bad press (in case he ever confides that she's a (copy-ying yeur Frensh acc-sont) Beetch-on-ze-wheels. It's all very unclear as to whom is perp and whom is victim or whether it's a case of Both (don't mean you, though). Yep - agree as usual with Mannie. Just ask him. Me, I'd be matter-of-fact come winky-nudgy...say, 'So when do *I* get my 7k top-up, then? Did you forget to do me after sis?'. Don't add 'or was it a loan'. Don't feed him ANY answers. See what he says and how he says, and report back. Bud doo get zee prrronounci-assion rrrright - eet's "like-uh KER-RRRAP-uh". Ze 'uh' at zee end ees veh-rree im-por-tant(-tuh). Afore I go, though - (click-whirr...)...It's almost like your Sister has inherited all the less-than-desirable bits from both your Dad AND your Mum, whereas you got all their good bits. Pfff. You could be forgiven for thinking - Furk-eet, she can AVE err moh-nay. Shee weel nev-err bee 'ealthy, fonction-al nor 'appy, like-uh Moi. I call zat a fairrr de-al, en effet. Give Narcs money and they pretty-much ALL go doolally and down the plughole. Recall all those 'Lottery disaster' stories. It just speeds up their exposure (including their kidlike impulsiveness, irresponsibility, self-destructiveness) and/or demise. In fact, if it were me, I'd give her MORE money! Seriously. (Did you get the best physical features as well, you-you... FIEND? I'll bet you did it deliberately just to make her REALLY 'hate' you! (anti-Narc joke))" PS: There's far more I noticed and have yet to comment/feedback over, plus want to read it again unrushed, so I'll continue demain because I've just noticed the time(!).

@Soulmate - Are you really a moderator? Seriously? If so, then I honestly fear for the existence of this website. What I know for a fact is that you must have consumed some PRETTY psychedelic "Shrooms" before you wrote your comment. If you don´t really want to contribute or help and just want to ridicule people then maybe just don´t write any replies in the future. I have NO idea how anyone could assign you the task of being a moderator, considering the load of total B//S you have just written.

Dearest Abacadableugh, Single, you say? ...Life's a bleedin' mystery, ain't it? Especially as it was just so sweeeeeet and considerate of you to FEAR, no less, the existence (surely you mean, continuation?) of this long-running website, oh complete & utter, ostensibly first-time stranger whom in his bid to get another, completely unwarranted and OTT swift kick in, conveniently prefers to pretend that my tenure *isn't* displayed for him and everyone to see in my posting banner. (You know those two swivelly things just under your forehead....?) Since you asked so sweetly: Sometimes I'm straight and serious, sometimes the opposite, or anywhere in between, perhaps a whole cocktail, being as how I'm not a one-trick pony. It can depend on my mood or, more importantly thus overridingly, whether and what it is I might sense and wish to encourage/smoke-out, in terms of what could come back (ta-daa!)...especially when (as I said) not quite sure enough for my liking, whom exactly or whom else is the/a problematic element out of a whole cast of characters. After all, what was wrong with, say, either thanking Manalone while deciding not to respond to me, or responding with something appropriate as well as reasonable and self-dignified, like, 'Mind if we skip the humour, please, Soulmate - I'm not in the mood'? (Nah. Where would be the fun in *that*? As for making yourself "vulnerable" in front of your father by just asking him *nicely* the simple question: who - you? Clearly not.) Plus - or Pus in your gobsmackingly arrogant, over-entitled case (world expert on Forum Mods, are ya?) - I don't need your Royal Highness's permission or approval. "Me wanted bunny-wabbits on my bib!" (*chucks Hotwheel*). Actions-actions... ...Including - Five whole days- *FIIIIVE* WHOLE DAYS, in which to calm down, sort your priorities, regain your proper perspective, remember where you were (and have the manners to thank or even merely acknowledge Manalone) Takes intrinsically Healthies roughly 20 minutes...because they can heal and recover. (Talk to your Dad and Sister like that, do ya? And I'm not surprised they didn't want you getting your mitts on the farm. For starters, you'd alienate the renting farmer in under 5 minutes flat and bang would go both your inheritances.) In similarly stark contrast - the over-riding majority of first-time visitors *like* my peppering of playfulness, saying it put them immediately at ease while giving them a desperately-needed giggle. But then, once again, they're intrinsically healthy adults with a Sense of Humour - for which one needs (...drum-roll...): (1) Empathy, (2) the adult maturity to at least appreciate how mere style of delivery doesn't ever trump actual content (except where some a-hole is desperate for an excuse to ambush and lash-out), nor ever passes (with a lot of twisting) as their (3) pathetic justification to act like an (4) oversized, downright toxic, spoiled-baby, brimming with resentment just because he can't and doesn't like the fact I touched a number of sore nerves. (5) In fact, healthy, interpersonally-functional adults with corresponding self-regulatory skills would never DREAM of being so offensively obnoxious, even if they *were* irked (- truth hurts, huh)...let alone in a public space towards someone offering free help in these financially tough times. They'd do anything to avoid that (wait for it) Shame...of which, you obviously have nnnnnnnnone. (Or certainly not whenever money and getting to stick it to your sister is concerned.) And I like it too as I get to have *fun* while dipping my Litmus. As for the forum-owner and provider of this charitable service (insult him alongside, why doncha...notably), he long-knows by now how there is always, always, method in my seeming madness. So don't lose sleep about the continuation of this forum, nor try to create needless drama to distract yourself from your *real* problem (unlikely to be untreatable at your age), just because we're not remotely like any other with their chocolate teapot so-called Moderators who wouldn't dare say Boo to a goose and leave still-fresh victims everywhere feeling invalidated for the Nth time, on *top* of triggered by such disgusting, uncalled-for verbal abuse. Therefore, for obvious reasons like the one you've just showcased (a Classic! ...readily-available Exemplar to pull out! - cheers!) - victim-survivors also appreciate a place that is truly safe for the fact it doesn't *whatsoever* accommodate - indeed, slams-down on, over-entitled, manipulative, jumped-up, gaslighting, deliberately rude and spiteful as uck, Bullies. So - aim, fire, and bullseye, Mr Hyde. You've just met The Bullier Of Bullies and have walked with eyes-wide-open into an own-goal. ("...How-dya liiiike me NOW-owwwww" - sing along?) Collect your Dr Jekyll mask from off the floor before you leave, there's a Dear. Or do I mean, Doh. ________________________________________ (Probably your turn again soon, Mannie.)