I still can’t get over a married man

About 8-9 years ago I met this man online. I was stupid enough to fall for his lies and believed him when he told me he was separated even though they still lived together, he was making plans to leave. That never happened. Unfortunately by then I’d fallen for him and we would see each other now and then, he works full time and lives about 4-5 hours drive away. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time but we’d text most days, I knew he was leading me on but I wanted to believe him so badly. I dated other men and tried to move on, even though we’d sometimes remain in contact, I tried to distance myself. And one day I realised my feelings were still there and before I did anything as he wanted to come and see me again, I decided to really snoop around and I found he is definitely still with his wife, and pictures of their cruise. I was crushed. And I confronted him and basically told him I deserve more and he agreed. And I blocked him. It’s been about nearly 2 years and I still miss him, I’ve even had a relationship during that time and I yearn to talk to him again. I know I’m wrong I’m stupid for all of this. And no I’d never date a married man again. But I just miss our conversations and normal chit chat, I just miss him and not sure I’ll ever get over him. I even dreamt about him last night and I woke up so sad

It’s totally normal to miss someone you had a strong connection with, even if it wasn’t the healthiest relationship. Just remember, you deserve someone who is fully available and honest with you. It’s okay to have those feelings, but don’t be too hard on yourself.

Damn right, Panther! KellBell, He sounds like a typical Narcissist or narcissistic Cheater and this story is such an old chestnut (which you might not know, still being young) that, I could simply paste in virtually identical posters' thread links in the hundreds at least. That pain is not missing HIM, it's (1) your stomach rumbling (screaming!) because he's long-term seriously starved you whilst feeding you nothing but hot air and promises of food instead of crumbs, day after day (in-person and in your head) for a nigh-on DECADE. But (2) because you're injured, knackered, head-ucked and unanchored/disorientated, etc., you feel convincingly like you haven't got the strength or wherewithall to go out and get what you (and others) misguidedly *believe* would work as a pain-killer,....because of this, your DefCon1 sense of (unreal) urgency programme (along with myriad other things n stuff) wants you to grab the nearest food from the easiest-got food-source (which, half of your brain is still primed to believe he IS)....in case you - as the sense of danger level suggests - soon collapse and expire! Wrong, wrong, and wruh-ong. Feelings - especially ones toxified - are NOT facts. Exhale now. No amount of 'getting under' is going to 'get you over' and stop that overwhelming mind-ucking pain in THIS situation (as was called a relationship but was nothing like, was actually a Domestic Crime called Abuse and no doubt involves money/greed). You're ACTUALLY, LITERALLY seriously addicted thus experiencing - and wanting to stop/avoid - serious Cold Turkey ON TOP OF/ALONGSIDE serious Grief (google something like, "Narcissistic Cheating Boyfriend" and "How Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement works to keep you in the fauxlationship"). Cold Turkey and self-isolation/quarantine-ing is what's on your Reality, rather than (fake) fantasy, Menu.... (details about which I can get to in good time), not, going another round or ten with Mike Tyson's nasty and cowardly twin (picks on women plus punches under-the-table where it's too dark and unexpected) whom in fact can't stand you or any woman (just fancies them and wants to turn them into a human dog on a leash or drive them ill and/or insane...or use them like an evil tin-opener kind of tool....literally) and wants to (sh*g you and/or) use the sense-able fact of you (spouses JUST KNOW) to strongarm and finally mentally incarcerate his poor, 'Baaaad Slave', already long-emotionally-battered Wife (Object) whilst he slow-murders her (to avoid having to lose "his" (pfff!) wealth and assets). Put simply, you're in emotional hospital with your leg in traction; you ain't going anywhere for a while but we CAN speed your healing up a great deal and even overtake that lost ground (one year). Old Chesnut, I tell ya. Start googling and report back, soldier. I know you're a go-getter/achiever in Normal-Healthy Land but in La-La Land, that's held and used against you where Staying Power gets turned into a weakness (staying in their dungeon) because, actually, BOTH genders (-ish) are, under their false mask, the worst misogynists you would ever care to meet. It's entirely possible that you weren't the only mistress, either. (Sorry....google "Malignant Narcissist ((or Narcissistic Sociopath)) - cheating - secret harem"). I mean - who'd DO that to their wife? EH?! No decent man, that's for-sure! A decent man would say Houston we have a problem and if couples counselling didn't work - do the gentlemanly thing and discuss and agree how to divorce amicably then go get themselves a non-combative solicitor each. There would NOT be any, starting up a new relationship (or 15...some of them...kid you not) as if THAT is somehow (what are we - idiots?!) is any solution to marital problems/dissatisfactions - good guh-RIEF! All that is, is throwing Fat onto the fire instead of what normal-healthies throw: water. Duu-uu-uuuuh? ...and is a main hallmark of your abusive Narcissistic spouse, oh yes. As for all those 'I wanted to but somehow couldn'ts): google Narc Cheating Boyfriend - Cognitive Dissonance. You can't DOOOO ANY...THING...while you're in CogDiss. Because it means torn..in two completely equal (50/50) minds, where to make a decision as is released into the open as one or a series of actions, takes a Majority Vote by your brain hemispheres (Spock and Cap'n Kirk) whereas Kirk's wailing, 'But they said they LOOOVED MEEEEE!' whilst Spock's going, 'For God's SAKE, Captain, get in the ship and let's get out of here while we still can!'. And they ARE equal partners so no-one's winning...until you have more evidence and one concedes or they at least start to negotiate and collaborate. They should both be in agreement. He's driven a wedge between your joint captains, look. The Beepstard. So what your head looks like inside is, panic, chaos and a lot of yelling, ...basically an arm-wrestle where nothing gets done. CogDiss (thankfully only until you escape and start to recover) paralyses you psychologically which is as bad as the real-deal (being hobbled like in Misery so that you can't escape). You do sound like you're coming out of it, though, going by that (basically) funeral you held for him recently in your head while you slept. So that's the good news and the only news that matters at this juncture. The last lap is always the most knackering and despairing. Do you just need to borrow someone's turbo for a bit? Me, I just have one easy-peasy condition, however (because you WERE, when you still could, 'too arrogant to leave', and need to atone quickly for that so as not to get bottom-spanked by Fate when you least need it. It should happen as a natural urge anyway, but, regardless - Please promise me you'll do your best to pay-it-forward afterwards, by warning/educating other unwitting made-Mistresses that come onto your radar in RL or the web, so as to turn the tables and starve the 'Domestic/Romantic' Narcs in their region? Or pay-it-forward by making whatever affordable donation towards the running costs of the forum? Or your own idea? What say you, Gunga Din? :)