Worldneedstrust

Stepfather Issue. Three weeks ago completely unprovoked he was name calling and mean spirited. Due to a domestic violence situation I needed somewhere to stay in a hurry. He refused me. I was hurt and distraught. Police got me a Hotel. I'm still in it. Out of the blue he calls me. As though nothing happened between us. Says where are you? I do not tell. Says he cares. Has never said anything like that before. Says he wants to deposit three hundred dollars in my bank account to help me out. I was completely taken aback. I said I had to go and hung up. This change of heart took 3 weeks. Should I forgive him and trust now? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

No. Actions speak & if the man really cared, he wouldn't need to deposit 300 bucks into your bank account & he would have helped you when you needed helping & not just when it suits him. Cares? I think not. Wipe him out of your life.

Thank you for your honest response Manalone. It was good of you to answer. Since this took place he has phoned and demanded to know where I am. The Police told me not to tell anybody. So I didn't. In case he tells others. Another distant relative told him off severely for his neglect of us in our hour of need. He then rang again and said you must need money I'll deposit money in your account if you give me the numbers and if you're desperate for somewhere to stay again well I'll let you come for no more than 3 nights. OK? I guess my offer is a little late coming. I just didn't want to risk bringing the trouble to my door. I'm scared. Because of you I had to go buy an alarm at the local Hardware Store. I told him it was too little too late. Quickly said good-bye and hung up. Police are moving me again tomorrow to another safe house further away. Once again sincere thanks Manalone as it was nice having somebody to tell my troubles to that actually took an interest and gave of their time to respond. All the best to you in your life.

BlueOnBlue, I've got internet probs at the mo, meaning too slow or connection expiring during posting attempts so I might be a little slower than usual in getting back to you when you reply to this, so, for now, just a quick question for the purposes of distinction: Obviously your Nex-Boyfiend is a total nutjob Narc-Sociopath, but - was your Stepfather always such a yellow-backed selfish git? And where's your mother in all this? And what is it makes him think he has the right to "demand" ANYTHING during ANY situation, let alone after he refused to Good Samaritan you when, as Mannie says, you yelled Help in a life-threatening situation? Not there when needed (even if you have been, for him) Waiting until the storm's over before resurfacing with excuses (so as not to actually lose 'still-useful you') Throwing money at a problem (in order to press the "Narc Relationship Reset Button and avoid explaining and other consequences) Being Over-Entitled regardless of his own atrocious conduct/record as disqualifies him from having any such right Blaming YOU for doing X to HIM (ref 'because of you') - when obviously it was all your Nex's doing (- emotional manipulation attempt called Blame-Shifting or stealing the victim cloak and Guilting) (PS: 3 piddly nights..... UP HIS A*SE! :P Google Narcissistic Neglect and, Covert Crumb-throwing) And the biggie: Not just resurfacing with excuses and throwing his wallet, but making those excuses tally with the No. 1 Narcissitic Sociopathic hallmark known as, The Pity Play/Ploy. By triggering you into feeling sorry for him over the fact the poor wickle lambie-pie had to get an alarm (and a fridge and washing-machine too, finally?), your rightful anger and indignation gets anywhere between dampened-down or switched off completely....so that, then, he avoids that well-deserved verbal pasting. He's acting, behaving and talking like a Narc-Spath in Covert mode underneath the Overt. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. That he, despite his still-fresh crime as should have made him contrite and handling you with Kid Gloves, DEMANDED to know your whereabouts (who died and made HIM Queen of Sheba?!), suggests he's in cahoots with the (higher up the NPD/AsPD heirarchy) Nex, ergo was desperate to deliver to get whatever in return...favour, pat on the head, whatever... (they will pack hunt/re-capture when necessary; they all detest us Normals-Empaths despite need us to take their huge anger and bad moods out on...they just wouldn't want a relationship with one another for obvious monster-related reasons). HOWEVER,....I definitely would take his money, and see it as compensation. In fact, I'd tell him to make it a straight 500 if he really wanted to win back my trust (cough!-lie) (which is allowed against NPDs). But I'd tell him to send a cheque or Postal Order to an unknown third-party address. Speak to the Shelter staff - they deal with this atrocious shite every minute of every day, they know what you should do and how). Bet you if you do that, he won't. He wants your address. But - litmus him and see? ...See what he is and what he does. As long as EMOTIONALLY he, to you, is dumped along with your revolting-yet-alluring Nex, and you stay AWARE that he can't be believed or trusted - you'll be fine. It's the Not Knowing What's What that weakens us when up against them. Once we know - if we're Fighter (as opposed to Fawn/Freeze/Flee) types: watch-out Narc! Take your time, though. Ensure all his hooks are out of you so that you have the control and freewill to put the phone down again and forget it. Or just leave it. But me, I'd take the money (from that safe arm's-length); it'd be me helping myself to my well-deserved Closure. Thoughts?

Thank you for replying Soulmate. I do appreciate it. I apologise for the delay. I've now been moved 6 times in total. Finally settled for a little while. I hope. I'm really quite afraid. Feeling low. Wondering what lays ahead for us. Anyhow, update on Step Father. I did go and read Narcissistic Neglect as you recommended. Sure does relate to him. Sad that. Our relationship has always been superficial. My Mother passed away a while a go. We've been so uprooted that I've barely had time to allow myself to think of him. However my Cousin told him the Hotel we are currently residing at. She thought it her duty to tell him her displeasure at not having taken us in. Tomorrow is my Birthday. He left an envelope at Reception. On the outside he's written my name and room number. Inside on a small slip of paper is handwritten 'Have a Happy Day. Love you dearly'. Inside was $100. Heartfelt Birthday Wishes? He sure does leave me confused. Got my well-deserved closure. No surprise really that it is $200 short of the original offer. I now know my dollar value. Clearly I'm not worth $300. If you don't laugh you cry. I've done enough crying of late. People never cease to amaze me just not in a good way. I'm really appreciative of your time Soulmate.

loves you dearly? nah, you can see straight through the bs by now. Happy Birthday, keep laughing & keep your chin up.

Agree again. I really feel for you and kiddie (what age range?). Because I know the Recovery Path *feels* like a nightmare at the time. It is a massive change all-at-once, when you're the least fit for it (cue Reserve Tank). However, I'm not worried for you, not one bit. One, you're a Fighter and, two, I KNOW what's coming. Same as with any other Nex-victim-target Fighter: it'll be an up and down rollercoaster-ish ride for a bit (google "Narc Victim - Catastophising" - and "...- F.O.G."), until you adapt as you heal (both of which you're hard-programmed to do, in which case, truer to say - until adaptation happens to you). But you don't stay at your starting pace, either, as it's exponential. So, next thing you know - voila! - you start to spot the light at the end of the tunnel and the fear stops. Next, you emerge out of the tunnel, stepping automatically onto the start of the Thriving Path. And it's along that route that you start to kick yourself for having wasted so much precious energy over being scared and worried (but it's natural and serves a purpose). And then you suddenly begin realising what a beeping amazing hero (to yourself and your daughter) you are...which feeling, grows and grows until you've tickets on yourself (justifiably) and find nothing and no-one daunting or scary ever again...Because, if you can escape from a Machievellian Serial Slow-Killer relatively unscathed except from mostly disruption and whatever financial loss - you. can. do. any. thing. At the moment your mental-emotional In-Tray is over-full as well as disorganised and not in chronological order, so, even things like having to change a plug-fuse or whatever else that you've done millions of times before then, can panic and freak you out. So when that happens, don't feel stupid and powerless, just remember, it's because you're working cerebrally incredibility hard...doing gymnastics in there!...meaning, all cylinders are fully-occupied and there's no application available for anything else (plus your brain's in a hurry to 'de-spaghettify' because it *feels* like a panic-stations situation). Shorter answer is: You've spent - HOW long is it? - in a huge tank with a killer shark, trying to shield and protect your daughter, constantly on alert, sleeping with one eye open...all of that. in DefCon 1 without enough of a break for too long. How do you suppose you'd feel? Jittery? Everything else you're feeling? There you go, then. As you gain more and more distance, you gain more and more appreciation over the fact that, the abuse was far worse than you'd (for vital mental survival reasons) made yourself think. Google something like, Narc Abuse - Victim Minimisation (and Stockholm Syndrome). I realised then had it verified and confirmed, that mine (ugh) had plans to marry me and then actually bump me off. (Ssssstupid boy. But Spaths always do bite off more than they can chew and/or underestimate their 'victim' who's usually leagues above them...but then they're self-aggrandizing and self-over-estimating so what do we expect.) I even knew how he planned to do it (Freak-Out City or what!?). So I bumped him off, instead (hurrah!) - Psycho-emotionally (...they know how that one goes, haha). Hobbled him GOOOOD...Put him out of action for, what....a good 5 years? ...and then 'watched' him do the same ucking dance all over again with another too-nice woman...but hey, at least I bought other victims, current or pending, the length of time in which to wake-up and skiddaddle, that's the main thing. WHICH, I have it on good authority, they DID (hurrah!).) Did I pick him? Or accept him? Nope and nope (pff...no-one sane picks/accepts an Abusive Narc ffs). But did I keep him for longer than I should have, to go prod-prod-prod (research)? - yup. he was my last and I was going to get my money's worth, one way or another. (Bit foolish of me...you can be *too* brave, whereby you go full circle to feckin' eejit, haha....but BOY did I get inside stuff galore!) (Wouldn't do it again, though.) Me, his "inferior" and "victim", coming out the (NPD's perception) "winner", smelling of Roses, and that he hadn't had a single clue anything was up, was a huge psychic injury to him on top of the massive-massive shock and disruption I dealt him. But did I tell him from the start that this was a specialist subject of mine? Yup. Did I tell him I'd never re-marry because marriage is actually a form of insurance for when you intend to sprog together (in case the breadwinner sods-off)? Yup. But they're too ucking arrogant to take anyone's word OR demonstration for anything, and think they know better despite they almost literally know jack-sh*t (bar how to brainwash by pushing even sacred buttons). Suddenly, before you know it, they're the expert on your topic while you know nothing ("cuckoo!!!"). Or your topic's whole industry is a load of sh*t (...yeah...just because human psychology obviously doesn't describe *them*). Was yours like that?...starting to criticize and lecture you on how to discipline your kiddie or cook or whatever? And that was just one, fractional bad side to him! There were zillions more! Truth is, I was trapped for a while by practical and fiscal enmeshments so had to bide my time, ergo, while I was down there, LOL.... Still a bit foolish though. (I'm trying to convince myself, look, and it's not working hahahahaha!!.) Eff-it, I'm still dead proud of me, me. David Attenborough and Steve wotsisface ("I'm hunting Toyyguhs"...killed by a Stingray - that one), have got nothing on me. :P Getting away (conning him away, back to his own country) was no mean feat, though. It was real edge-of-your-seat stuff, having to operate under serious fire and all that. The Malignant Coverts and Covert-Vulnerables had been a piece of piss in-comparison. This guy was *not* funny. "Combo Man", he's called in Sandra M Allen's book (have you read it?..."How To Avoid a Dangerous Man ((bit sexist!?)) *Before* You Get Involved. *DO*. Let me repeat that: *DO* Again: DOO-BEE-DOO-BEE-*DO*. Available and affordable on Amazon et al (even cheaper 2nd-hand). And as you've got a kiddie, probably best to also order Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? (Inside The Minds of Angry Men)" because the last section is about recovering and strengthening your relationship (like the abuser had never existed, but better than you could have imagined). Are you feeling proud yet? Are you realising the incredible (, still-rare in the grand scheme of things), thing you've managed to achieve? I'm proud of you, anyway. And Happy(As Poss) Birthday!!! PS: "People never cease to amaze me just not in a good way." Spoken like a true victim and survivor to-be. But it's this: Narcs and the overly narcissistic never cease to amaze me; just not in a good way. To have got to the point where you got conned-into by a psychological-emotional AND physical Narc Abuser - means you have practically lived your life surrounded by the uggers. Tell your Police Force I love them. Anyway, consider this your second home (and Diary, and Map-Chart, and valid Evidence Table) now so, we can hold your hand and guide you up the paths, no probs. It's literally just one foot in front of the other and don't look up, focus on the handful of baby-steps for that day/week. Or, hold your hand as you face having to do something convincingly 'daunting'. (Cue Michael Jackson's 'You Are Not Alone') (Manalone can do the "ows!" and "hee-hees!"). Chat tomorrow? ...assuming this posts? It does seem quicker? Mannie, are you free to chat, too? PPS: I'm a lil bid tiddly from a night out. Hope it didn't show? (too much)

"And as you've got a kiddie, probably best to also order Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? (Inside The Minds of Angry Men)" because the last section is about recovering and strengthening your relationship (like the abuser had never existed, but better than you could have imagined)." Tsk! Sorry - your relationship WITH KIDDIE.

OH - PSSS - I NEARLY FORGOT! Important! The reason why Stepfather carrotted 300 but only delivered 100 is because he wants to drip-feed it to you so that you'll never have enough to be independent of him. He wants you as HIS slave and emotional punchbag now because ...you come highly recommended. Take his little portions and con the eff out of him. Let's see how HE likes them apples! But the good news there, is: he's NOT in-cahoots with Nex. Phuh-ew! - eh? AND (there's more!): If you fake being Stepdud's property now - Nex won't DARE come within 5 miles of you (as Stepdud is obviously the bigger monster). Super-Phew! And you'll get lots of money (back). *Now* you should have a happier day. Happy Buffday. :)

Thank You both Sincerely Manalone and Soulmate. The Birthday was a bit of a dud (as we all predicted) but I am slowly seeing my way to that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm filled with gratitude how two strangers have taken time out of their busy schedules to speak with me. I have two daughters actually. An eight year old and an 18 month old. Both were a bit rambunctious in the Hotel bistro so I'm mostly hiding out in the room. I've found a house. Nothing flash but I'm hopeful of a new life. Getting the rental paperwork sorted. To say I'm poor is an understatement. Trying to get a Community Service to help me out. I now have a psychologist. He's free. He'll have his work cut out for him. I think he may be a bit of a tool. That isn't very nice of me. He does dad jokes as if that will work on me? Spoken to him twice now. Perhaps I'm now just a man hating bitch? Excuse the french. Mom duty calls.

Ah, there you are! And - Ah, here I am! (Had internet connection probs.) (Still not reading ahead)... "Thank You both Sincerely Manalone and Soulmate." And thank-you for your lovely manners. :) Those speak volumes, they do (well...depending on how they're written, etc.). "The Birthday was a bit of a dud (as we all predicted) but I am slowly seeing my way to that light at the end of the tunnel." Yeah, it was bound to be, really. Yes, you are. "I'm filled with gratitude how two strangers have taken time out of their busy schedules to speak with me." That is so sad to hear. How long has it been since no-one's offered or agreed to lend you any helping hand? "I have two daughters actually. An eight year old and an 18 month old. Both were a bit rambunctious in the Hotel bistro so I'm mostly hiding out in the room." Eight and eighteen months. GOOD AGES to make your escape - excellent intrinsic wisdom and instincts on your part! Really spot-on timing! But definitely get Lundy's book (which should have read '..the minds of Angry & Controlling Men'. (As a man and son of abused mother, Lundy's clearly never experienced any female malignant narc, then!) "I've found a house. Nothing flash but I'm hopeful of a new life. Getting the rental paperwork sorted." Already? No way?! That's fantastic news! And not just a new life, but, once you are coming to the end of the recovery/healing path, you'll suddenly get the passionate urge to decorate your new nest (how YOU like it!)...and just the same amount of work you ever did but this time without a heavy monkey (rabid gorilla, more like!) on your back...And you WILL feel the refreshing difference! "To say I'm poor is an understatement. Trying to get a Community Service to help me out." You will. They speed they're going at - they obviously are taking your case very seriously. (Have you done a Police check on him? Ever? They might be known to him in terms of petty crimes? To get physically hostile and aggressive in THIS modern day-and-age - sorry, to HAVE to get physical (because he's no debating match for wordy, big-energied you), he has to be a Narc-Spath aka Dinosaur. Resorting to violence in anger, for ego-satisfaction/self-soothing purposes, is beneath malignant Narc-Psychopaths and a (correct) sign of low intelligence; they'd do that only if you foiled or betrayed them over some nefarious 'business activity' or big gain of theirs) (hence they do tend to kill job-sabotaging and stoolpigeon-ing N-Spaths - from inside prison or not). Straight malignant Narcs (Grandiose, Coverts and Covert-Vulnerables) care too much about their image in front of themselves AND ("cuckoo!") in front of their victims to stoop that low and overtly. It's Narc-Spath (the two disorders together) territory.) "I now have a psychologist." Woah! "He's free." WOAH! "He'll have his work cut out for him. I think he may be a bit of a tool. That isn't very nice of me. He does dad jokes as if that will work on me? Spoken to him twice now." He's clearly a Dad, stuck in Dad mode. Well, that's great, and precisely what you've been missing, isn't it? Do you mean jokes like this?... Q: What do you call a one-eyed Dinosaur? A: Dyathinkeesaurus? ;p :D "Perhaps I'm now just a man hating bitch? Excuse the french." Understandably non-trusting, highly suspicious and cynical - yep. You're supposed to be at this stage of said path. If you weren't, I'd be yelling for Matron. I expect he's trying to show you he's got kids ergo you're even safer with him than one who didn't because, obviously, I know you'll have been been long-term emotionally raped at the least, so, as a man, he's wary of triggering you just via that very fact. 'I am friendly', he's trying t say. ...And a bit annoying...which Dads are (Awww, daaaa-aaaad?...and 'tsk, awwww, that's not funnyyyy?...etc.) "Mom duty calls." And you're clearly an effing good one. Did he start to "start" on one of them?...(or both simultaneously??)...is that what removed all the prior escape barriers/mental block for you - as in, POOF! - gone - "Let's get my babbies the eff out of here and UCK my love-life!"?

PS: Is he their natural father (sperm-donor :p) ?

I'm NOT doing well. Let me see before I go on so. Answer your queries. Yes natural father (married). He 'started' once too often on me. I protect the kids. Couldn't cope anymore. Didn't get the house. Fell through for a few reasons. Lost the psychologist. Originally said 'free' then told me after only 2 sessions I'd have to pay from the next session on. He knew I couldn't afford it as I'd been upfront. So much for his promises and he can take his dad jokes and shove them where the sun doesn't shine and see if it doesn't give him a thrill. Yes. I'm angry. Had a hearing today. It didn't go well. Don't really want to talk about it but can't sleep. Too angry. Don't know what to do with these bottled up feelings. Think I may explode. Got told I deserve what I get because I'm 'too emotional' WTF?

Forgot to mention. I'm back home! No more free Hotel. Scared! Police say they don't believe we're in danger any longer. He's had a severe written and verbal 'Warning'. They said 'stay vigilant but we think he's been sufficiently scared off coming anywhere near you'. However if he should come back and attempt a break in then just call the Police promptly. Last time it took them 45 mins to attend.

Heya - huge apologies and scuse the delay - bloody internet connection probs A-BLOODY-GAIN! I miss British Telecom... :( I'll get to you and everyone else starting tommorrow - in that order (I'm leaving your thread open). Not read ahead/haven't cheated. I can fill in all the gaps, and can extrapolate further than a couple of decades (weird talent), so by doing so I can 'walk your recent-past path' with you. I hate him and step-farter already. But they're going to 'get theirs', I guarantee it. You can leave it to Fate or do your bit (you and Fate have to be in partnership: do too much and Fate's slightly pissed-off at you for treading on its toes, do too little and Fate's pissed off with you etc. No more than 50% 'justice-seeking) is your limit.) Which just means you do your best and no more. Hasta manana! And huge apologies again if you were sat there, thinking I'd abandoned you. NOPE...ain't ever gonna happen. I live in here - it's just a case of, By When, not If. Just want to reassure you. :) In short - YOU have to end this thread, which is usually because the Happy Ending credits have started rolling, with you capable of and happily gagging to be emerging as the pheonix from the ashes, and flying solo (and dumping on his x 2 head unspottably from above - insert evil-for-the-power-of-good cackle).

Moderator BUMP-UP! HUUUGE apologies, missus - I can't keep up or catch-up - I'm still in the process of trying!

I've spotted the urgency so I'll do it right now! "Forgot to mention. I'm back home! No more free Hotel. Scared! Police say they don't believe we're in danger any longer." WHAAAAT?! "He's had a severe written and verbal 'Warning'." So what? Who says he's going to abide by it! A.S.P.D. - anti-social/human, including giving a single shite about their rules and laws! "They said 'stay vigilant but we think he's been sufficiently scared off coming anywhere near you'." SCARED off? Oh-oh-ooohhhhhhh! Okay, I'm saying nuffink but I know what that means. Did you do a Police Background Check on him in the beginning? Do one now. Methinks he must have Previous. "However if he should come back and attempt a break in then just call the Police promptly. Last time it took them 45 mins to attend." Okay. What's the latest? And - clarify for me. So it's YOUR home, not his?...and he was just staying over a lot/too much until suddenly he was there permanantly? Has he a key? Have you changed your door locks and added extra? We need to discuss 'everyday, innocent' weapons. Roger - Over to you for an update? (And really-really sorry again, I'm not coping with the volume at the mo as it's so damn hot here and I have ducks to get back in a row (in RL).)

...and everyday very subtly clever signs that another bloke has moved in. Not another romantic interest - that would antagonise the Nex. But a male GenZ (22-25), loaded with excess testosterone and not enough places to put it - heh-heh-heh. I'll give you a few now, in no particular order: 1. Pair of *large* Trainers or, better yet, Construction-site workboots (bit muddy/concretey, sat atop or visible inside, a plastic bag - cos the guy's an empath with it, innit), visible when looking through the front-door letter-box. Same with motorbike helmet or gloves/jacket (charity shop). 2. Post a few letters (blank A4 sheets, typed label) to your your own house, but addressed to Mr. Whatever, C/O (care of) your name (shows he's not moved-in permanently, this guest). Again, let them sit in-view of the letterbox or porch window/whatever, again, visible from the doormat or displayed on a shelf/table. 3. Buy an inexpensive, *young*-manly aftershave and sprinkle it in the hallway so Mr Snoopy will smell it. 4. DO NOT leave your porch light on when you go out at night. It shows you could be out for the evening. Leave your sitting-room table lamps on with the curtains pulled and the telly on a bit too loudly (like young lads tend to do ("Whaaaa? Can't 'ear ya")) - on a blokey channel like ("Dave" on Sky) - so he can't peek in but it'll look like you or at least 'fit bloke') are in. Alternatively/additionally, a bedroom light on. 5. If you want to go further, especially if 'shapes' can be made out through your curtain material - buy a blow-up bloke doll (they were all the rage as fake car passengers in the late 80s, early 90s) and position it as if it's fallen asleep on the armchair nearest the telly. Otherwise, leave your duvet on the sofa with pillows to look like someone's asleep under there - with their back to the window, obvs - again to the telly. 6. In the kitchen (if visible from outside). ONE empty can of (strong, manly, INEXPENSIVE) lager OR blokey Energy Drink beside the sink, waiting to be rinsed (by Her Chambermaid-ness). Empty Pot Noodle pots or other studenty processed food packets or ANYTHING you don't normally buy and eat - e.g. two oranges in a bowl whereas you and kiddie hate oranges. Teatowel dumped on the 'side'. Kitchen chair left pulled out with left over toast crusts, plate not returned to the sink ("Sh*t, look at the time, gotta go!"). 7. In the downstairs loo (if visible, etc) - a motorbike or young gadget enthusiast's magazine (to poo to, LOL). 8. CHEWING-GUM packet on the coffee-table, e.g. Oh, and lots of gadget leads as well.f Hard to think in this heat at this time of the night - er, morning. Be back tomorrow eve (or earlier - can't tell yet) with more tips and tricks.

You still there, Blue?

Oh wait - I missed one: "Yes natural father (married). He 'started' once too often on me. I protect the kids. Couldn't cope anymore. Didn't get the house. Fell through for a few reasons." Oh ffs. What were they? "Lost the psychologist. Originally said 'free' then told me after only 2 sessions I'd have to pay from the next session on. He knew I couldn't afford it as I'd been upfront. So much for his promises and he can take his dad jokes and shove them where the sun doesn't shine and see if it doesn't give him a thrill." Two sessions? What's the point of that! What a waste of time! Still, it won't be him, it'll be your social services; it'll be their budget paying for it. "Yes. I'm angry. Had a hearing today. It didn't go well. Don't really want to talk about it but can't sleep. Too angry. Don't know what to do with these bottled up feelings. Think I may explode. Got told I deserve what I get because I'm 'too emotional' WTF?" I can't do anything with that unless you can be specific. Hearing for what? Why didn't it go well? And WHO (what git!) told you you got what you deserved? And wait - does this mean he's been given an injunction, including having had to leave the Marital Home (where you now are)? I'm confused...

...Or was it always your pad, and he's just your kid's father, not your legal husband?

Blue? Hello-hello? Didn't you turn your email-Alerts on?

Sorry. I didn't realise about email-Alerts. I do now. I think your 8 helpful hints are great! I never would have thought of any of that. I started implementing some. I'm mad at myself for being too dumb to think of all this myself. Yes husband. We rented the house together but I covered the rent. He covered some other expenses. Yes injunction. The house to rent fell through as mentioned. It was actually my fault. I made a few demands regarding the property. It didn't go over well. Beggars shouldn't be choosers and all that. There was a blow fly infestation in the house and even more of the horrible beasts desperately trying to get in the window. There was a smell attracting them. Dead animal perhaps? or worse? I wanted the place sprayed professionally (Exterminators) before we moved in. Because I had googled all about blow flies. It said they are very difficult to eradicate if you can't find the source attracting them and that general household sprays would not suffice. I was disgusted quite frankly. It was community housing for the down and out. I know I pressed my case. I got a stern telling off. Instead of caving under their pressure I told them to shove it. Hence the next morning I was told the Hotel had been cancelled. I had to go home. It was the Community Housing Officer who (a young woman of about 33 years wearing a huge princess cut diamond on her engagement finger and designer label clothes) told me I'm too emotional and will get what I deserve. Her manner, voice and attitude rubbed me up the wrong way from day one. I mean come on Princess you dress like that to take people who are down and out around to see dumps filthy with blow flies. She'll get hers! Poor bastard marrying that bitch. I'd give him a word of advice 'RUN!'. What can I say in my own defence? I am an angry woman at the World. Sorry not sorry.

'I think your 8 helpful hints are great! I never would have thought of any of that'. You probably would have - but not in this climate, this huge mental duress... in which case: "I started implementing some. ((WELL DONE, SPEEDY!)) I'm mad at myself for being too dumb to think of all this myself. ((POINTLESS. If people COULD count the hairs on the back of their own head - this forum wouldn't need to exist. 'Can't see the woods for the trees' as the ancient, true saying goes...which is why people need people. "Yes husband. We rented the house together but I covered the rent. He covered some other expenses." Oh, ruh-huh-heally? Such as what? "Yes injunction." PHEW! And the obviously very scary warning (which I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall for, wouldn't you? Trust me, the Police are SICK TO DEATH of his type!) "The house to rent fell through as mentioned. It was actually my fault. I made a few demands regarding the property. It didn't go over well. Beggars shouldn't be choosers and all that. There was a blow fly infestation in the house and even more of the horrible beasts desperately trying to get in the window. There was a smell attracting them. Dead animal perhaps? or worse? I wanted the place sprayed professionally (Exterminators) before we moved in. Because I had googled all about blow flies. It said they are very difficult to eradicate if you can't find the source attracting them and that general household sprays would not suffice. I was disgusted quite frankly. It was community housing for the down and out. I know I pressed my case. I got a stern telling off." Whaaaaaat??? "Instead of caving under their pressure I told them to shove it. Hence the next morning I was told the Hotel had been cancelled. I had to go home." Oh, right. So if you're not prepared to live in something that's downright unhealthy and would drive you to distraction, that makes you a ungrateful beggar? PFFF. I'd have told them to shove it, as well. "It was the Community Housing Officer who (a young woman of about 33 years wearing a huge princess cut diamond on her engagement finger and designer label clothes)" Say no more. "told me I'm too emotional and will get what I deserve. Her manner, voice and attitude rubbed me up the wrong way from day one. I mean come on Princess you dress like that to take people who are down and out around to see dumps filthy with blow flies. She'll get hers! Poor bastard marrying that bitch. I'd give him a word of advice 'RUN!'. Narc Alert! "What can I say in my own defence? I am an angry woman at the World. Sorry not sorry." Literally nothing to apologise for. But this - being back in your own house/flat(?) already - could well be a blessing in disguise. Still haven't got time to f*rt so I'll have a think for more measures. I do think you got a hint, there, though, about how 'impactful' the warning was and that he'd have to be too stupid to be alive, to try a single thing where you're concerned. 'To be continued', but feel free to chat more, meantime.

...Like, what's happened and happening with StrepDud?

Hey, Blue, Just a quick PS for now. "It was the Community Housing Officer who (a young woman of about 33 years wearing a huge princess cut diamond on her engagement finger and designer label clothes) told me I'm too emotional and will get what I deserve. Her manner, voice and attitude rubbed me up the wrong way from day one. I mean come on Princess you dress like that to take people who are down and out around to see dumps filthy with blow flies. She'll get hers! Poor bastard marrying that bitch. I'd give him a word of advice 'RUN!'." "TOLD me I'm *too* emotional and will get what I deserve." "will get what I deserve"... 'You and your icky feelings....UGH, you WIMP!...you've irritated the hell out of me, I just want rid of you! And you've GOT a house already, you stupid wh*re! This hovel is what you deserve!' Not quite. Her trying to set you up to feel forced, more than likely, right back into the arms of your abuser because she identifies and 'sympathises' with bloody HIM! (Be honest: didn't she just remind you of him and re-trigger you?) IT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE BECAUSE *YOU* HAD THE NERVE TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR JAILOR AND PRISON, WHICH DIRECTLY THREATENS *HER* WHEN IT COMES TO 'WHAT IF MY HUSBAND (VICTIM) EVER PLUCKS UP THE NERVE TO 'ABANDON' ME?! And if you've made them feel INSECURE (which at core, under the puff, they pathologically are) - like when they were that abused/brutalised kid - then YOU have "made" them feel bad ergo have attacked THEM (cuckoo!). So - take THAT, b*tch! Had you been insane or beaten-down-and-desperate enough to have moved in - what state of utter desperation and weakness do you think you'd have been in by the time Nex rang to Hoover you back with promises and tears, and that fecking 'purr' they put into their voice, and basically going 'Oh, but, mah dar-leeng, remember Pa-rrriiiiii(s) (Paris)'.... and-and-and..fake lures. (Remember, SHE wasn't to know he'd be served with an Injunction from two very 'intensely mad-eyed, tight-jawed, holding-themselves-back' Officers, did she.) ATROCIOUS behaviour from a 33-yr-old and so-called civil servant 'Officer'. Absolutely downright emotionally SADISTIC! She sounds like a genuine Psychopath...but only because she has that position of total power over her steady flow of ever-regenerating-victims-come-human-toilets to puke her vitriol into when no-one's looking. I'll bet she feels like a kind of God, getting to actually pick and choose based on her personal (warped) personality preference. But, no, she's another Narc-Sociopath (Silver Spoon variety or wannabe). Because she's reliant on PROPS, not words. You can see she's too transparent with her words. She's using props and "Plausible Deniability" (it was all we had available at the time - honest it was!). Spath...Narc. In that order. And Machievellian. And Sadistic. In fact, Brutal. Overall, her attitude is called Pure Contempt. And Zero Empathy (e.g. unable/disinterested in imagining themselves in your shoes and (registering) pain (thus likewise its counterpart - joy)). And using you - an easy target in your current state (she thought!) - as mere, convenient fodder for her own, deluded, Superiority Complex. And as a Housing Officer, that monstrous b*tch has just abused her position of power and trust. She wasn't to know, either, whether that level of mistreatment...hard-slap in the face...proved to be your final, existential straw. Right? After all, they don't understanding venting and venters. She over-estimated your fragility. Yeah. She must REALLY revel in that playground of existential power, eh. Behind closed doors, she's worse than your Nex, even! Complain by email letter to her superiors (no real hurry, though; they're not to know your strength-ACTUALLY and that you'll heal enough faster than the average). Not because you want back in the Hotel (, tell them...so they can see you've zero to gain or lose by confiding about this), but because it's not right. ...Re-Victimising The Victim and Victim-Blaming & Shaming...picking on the vulnerable (she's probably got an emotionally-battered husband at home, with an obviously strong attitude like hers and, showing it that blatently, including flaunting her privileged lifestyle like that). This woman should not be in the community care industry. She tried to retraumatise you. Just because, like any Narc, she despises displays of GENUINE, human emotion. Narc partners, as you no doubt know, get irritated or angry or find subtle ways to go "Laa-laa-laaa-can't-heeaar-yoooou" when you cry or otherwise show your vulnerability. She probably gets away with it, time and time again, simply because the already downtrodden get 'finished off' by her 20-inch Stilettos in the heart and back, hence, simply do not have even a smidgen of the energy required to get off the floor and throw a return-punch at the Dragon (and her whole department for negligence, and whomever hired her to begin with plus whomever's kept her since). I mean, how hard would it BE, as her Department Manager, to pull her into your office, and tell her she's dressing inappropriately, given the situational demographic of their mainstream clientele. Me, I'd have said - So what's with the Prada get-up? Are you trying to cheer the homeless up by showing them lots 'n lots of sparkly things?, the sarcasm to point out that I was not stupid, nor was prepared to believe that she or anyone could be that ....Insensitive just isn't the word for it, is it. It's rubbing people's faces in their pain, pouring salt into the wound. If, if or when you do, nothing happens - take it higher, to your Congressman/woman. But anyway. Look at this - from an article I yesterday pasted into WorriedBigSis's thread "Worried my sister will go back to her abuser". Just an extract, about Gaslighting Abusers and the (stock) things they say to you during/after they've abused you (i.e. to ensure you know they have, whereas, a malig. psycho wouldn't do that. He'd let your mind work it out years later. Decade(s)-later Aftershocks...Narc-Psycho's love 'em. Narc-Spaths on the other hand can't wait that long to 'show you who's boss, who "won" and WITNESS your reaction/pain'. : "Gaslighting is a very common and effective tactic; abusive partners convince the victim that the bad times ((that hovel and the infestation)) are not a big deal, that the victim is “crazy” or... (...drum roll...) ...overreacting emotionally." (E-cho!...e-cho....e-cho....) (Right? See it? They really do all have a very narrow psychology and interactional script...all say/do the same bloody things in the virtually same OR same ways.) Complain about her and what she offered you (an offer you couldn't NOT refuse) - which CLEARLY, ANY sane, reasonable individual would have- not just turned their nose up, but RUN SCREAMING FROM!....unless they were suicidal anyway and fancied the leg-up? In the UK it's against the law to put your abode up for rental if it has an existing, health- or mental-health-threatening Pest Infestation. The Landlord/lady or acting agent (depending on individual contract or levels of service re. who is responsible for what), are (or certainly were?!) legally-bound to get Pest Control in first to completely, permanently (that batch, anyway) irradicate the problem AND CAUSE. Have you looked into the laws in your country/state? This is what happens and can be the, or one of the, reasons why male and female victims who, despite No Contact for weeks/months, fold and go back to their original Abuser. Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. It's because they're sharks and can ultra-smell blood in the water - even just from scabs (haemoglobin). They either/or WANT you to return to your jailer, or want to BECOME your NEW jailer (wheyhey, last jailer did all the Priming work FOR me, I can virtually put my feet up with this one!). SOLUTION: From now on, either start secretly taping/recording all such interactions and phone conversations on your mobile or easy-to-operate Dictaphone, and type them up every evening. Also, after a live or phone conservation - by email, confirm the points/agreements that were reached ('Thanks for your time today. I just wanted to confirm what was discussed and agreed - as follows...'). Ask me if you're not sure, and draft it here....just so it's ready for When. 1. Doing this will re-inject you with an even larger dose of confidence and self-belief than she tried to take out. (I mean, I suspect your going home is the best scenario, but that/those warning Officers was Fate's gift, not hers! IMO, she tried to finish you off, either slow-death by land-bound pest-parasite or slow-death by airborne pest-parasite.) 2. Another re-empowering move: Let's think about saving other Souls. Let's think about the fact you're so much stronger and faster to bounce-back into shape than the usual victim, meaning, if you want to be a real-life hero, and feel effing proud of yourself forever-Amen (which *keeps* your self-esteem high into untouchable, which has an amazing recovery and thriving knock-on) - here's your chance. Five Star food for thought? Would you look GOOD in a pair of massive, White wings? Wanna shove a shark down the giant plughole? Take your time...but you have that option open to you for the next 2 years(?US law) and even just being aware of that will give you a lift. :) And will remind you that you are not powerless or non-intimidating; you're the opposite. Which is why Narcs try to chain you to the wall whilst reducing you in size plus intermittently topping up the Honeymoon Heroin they got you addicted to, in the first place (think about it). (I can do even quicker PSs as well! :D)

Soulmate I have this very strong, very real need to thank you for your responses. All day I've been ashamed of my last entry as I was talking in an inappropriate and immature manner. I'm very angry. That is no excuse. I felt like I embarrassed myself with the rant. Therefore when I went on today and saw that you'd responded further I felt relief that you did not hold it against me nor write me off as a foul mouthed loser. My behaviour wasn't good in that last message. I apologise for not being the respectable woman I once was and know is still in there. I'll dig deep to find her and bring her out into the light again. I'm in awe how you have this way about you that 'cuts to the chase', 'says it how it is' and makes sense out of the non sensical. For you two simple little words which carry great meaning 'Thank You'.

"I felt like I embarrassed myself with the rant." NOOOO, NO WAAAAY! If in your situation and position, you WEREN'T venting (if you can call that venting, to me it was more a niggling haha!), I seriously would have to wonder what was wrong with you. Seriously. (See Thea's thread where I'm practically nagging her to-death, to release her anger so that it can't keep turning back in on itself and her (which actually is how that works). What you're doing is very healthy. (Lions roar when post-attacked and injured and/or still in-battle, don't they? We're still just mammals, never forget that. Or just fart in a lift and that'll remind you, haha.) This is NOT a normal, standard Relationship Break-Up you're going through. It's a Toxic, Highly Abusive Fauxlationship (and others on the side) post-Traumatisation. It's only when your brain's convinced you're now safe that everything you've been through hits you in totalis and proper perspective (no longer Minimised for the sake of survival). I did SAY nothing to apologise for, yes? (SpecSavers!) Pray continue venting (seriously - not just better out than in - VITAL!) and then acknkowledge/address my points, and I'll be back tomorrow evening or so. :) Let's try to come up with a suitable, pee-taking nickname for the Brute of a Nex, shall we, and NAME the rabid giant puppy? You go first. :)

PS: "I'll dig deep to find her and bring her out into the light again." No - don't. Be yourself - with your chin up AND your chin down - whatever the day dictates. No airs and graces required here (apart from knowing how to treat and speak to other adults, which venting at a situation doesn't come under). Save that sort of mental effort for depositing in your Reserve Tank in-case you need it. Don't worry - I know what and why you're doing, even if you don't. :)

(Moderator's Bump-Up) Helloo-helloo? Are you having a delayed reaction to all of this or, just busy?

Hello, I appreciate all responses. Yes I'm just busy packing whilst juggling the munchkins. Back home in Rental but not happy. Constantly alert, vigilant on tenterhooks. Can't relax. So when I get a moment (usually the wee small hours) I start wrapping, sorting and packing boxes. Started singing then quickly stopped myself. The voice in my head yelled at me 'Fool! you won't hear if he comes to the door or is outside'. Then that same voice said 'People with a normal life can sing but your life is far from normal'. It was at this moment the realisation washed over me how I'm terribly damaged by this whole experience and seriously need to start a new life. Somewhere else. Afresh. Not just for the littlies but to be a happier, better Mother. Question: Like, what's happened and happening with StrepDud? Answer: For many weeks total disconnect. He tried via mobile but I didn't pick up. He tried text messages which I ignored. I felt like a right proper bitch but I'm angry. I helped him when he had covid. I've helped him with his computer, paperwork and so much more over the years. I admit now to myself though that I never really meshed with him. OK I'll stop putting it politely. I decided long ago that he was a selfish prick. More importantly a Wolf in Sheep Clothing. A taker and not a giver! The other day was his birthday. I caved. I met him at a local cafe. I bought him a big slice of cake and a coffee. It was really uncomfortable. Awkward as shit. He peppered me with questions and it was like playing dodge ball. I avoided responding or came back with a question about him instead. He does so enjoy talking about himself. Within the first five minutes he'd sufficiently cheesed me off with his criticisms of me as a Mum and person that I didn't absorb a word he said because I was too busy berating myself in my head for having put myself in this uncomfortable cafe chair (it was rickety) in the first place. Why did I go? Why did I do it to myself? Thought he would be missing my Mother it being his birthday. Felt sorry for him. Thought he may have missed the kids but his negative comments about them quickly put things back into perspective. I simply can't be around this male. I did not call him a man on purpose. He isn't good for us. He actually told me I can't move that it would be selfish of me in regards to him! WTF? I told him he has no comprehension of the danger we are in or what we've been through. It baffles me that he could actually be this thick as a brick. Couldn't wait to leave. Left burn marks in the car park LOL Haven't spoken since. Suggestions for ex name: bottom dwelling scum sucker (nah accurate but too long & too kind) StinkHorn in our yard are these seriously offensive poisonous mushroom like fungi that come up often and happen to be shaped like an ugly penis but pong worse than any pub toilet you've ever entered! The flies get all over them & their base is a bulb like a man sac. Red and seriously disgusting. Some people call them devilspenis. Yep for years I've been digging these bastards out of the garden. Holding my breath, ripping them out & trying to dispose of them. Alas, they are really hard to get rid off. Just like him! Technical name is Phallus Rubicundus I kid you not LOL See picture link https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9f/5e/82/9f5e82bf7e62cbc02120e32da5ccb8d7.jpg Its looks like a limp dick with a serious rash! Sorry to be vulgar.

That's not vulgar (marks out of 10 for Technical Merit - 5, for Artistic impression - 7. 'Could try harder' ;p) - only if it were gratuitous rather than not relevant or pertinent to the case, which this indisputably is. I think that's a perfect representation, actually...albeit, you're still going easy on him. We could call him Fungus The Bogeyman, were it not for the fact that was a friendly character. Just 'Fungus', then? Lethal but simultaneously ridiculous, even risable. :) Leesten verrree care-foolly, Ah weel say ziss on-lee wance: RELAX. This is your Safe Place (dear Diary). It's also an evidence table (;) ta-da). I'm here TO monitor and manage everyone here's behaviour (including my own - not joking) and give them the friendly heads-up if they're crossing any lines. You don't have to play self-moderator. Got enough on your plate. EVERYONE that comes here is upset and 'not themselves'. BUT...I get it if you wish to apologise 'to the viewers at home' each time - fairenoughski if that's your Modus Operandumski? It's a bit cooler today/at the mo. so, despite coming down with a cold w sore throat (yeah, cheers up there, just what I needed) I can think a bit straighter...including remembering to tell you WHY it's a blessing-in-disguise that you're back in the 'Former Marital Home' (FMH) following a suitable escape bid and period away. Otherwise, he might have been able to claim the house as HIS home because 'you'd abandoned it'. The Police (who know all this) did you a huge, canny favour.... because he can't do that now that the Police have informed him it's no longer his HOME (plus he's not allowed to put one foot within however-many feet of you or he'll be banged-up (I reckon) (COURSE a type like that'll have Previous - it's what the malignants/antisocials DO). Have you consulted with a Divorce Solicitor yet? Got any divorced friends you can ask for recommendations? If not - try your most local ones - in which case, you want three (if they're still doing them in this financial climate?) free Initial Consultations to see which one impresses and gels best with you. They might be able to swing you Legal Aid via themselves or refer you to an L.A. divorce solicitor. OR, like my divorce case, be charged ONLY once you (a) receive your settlement in-full (minus their fee) or (b) pay in bits once you begin receiving your Spousal Maintenance and Child Maintenance x 2. ALSO, a solicitor will get an urgent Court Order for beginning Interim Maintenance (including backdated from when you fled). This means a figure based on yours and kiddies' average TOTAL monthly expenses so - start keeping every single, even tiny, receipt or for cash with no receipt, write yourself a Post-It - and don't forget to factor in health, dental and general medical/medicine expenses (your Medised et al, plasters, dental check-ups...). Me, I recorded every receipt and post-it onto a Word table which was presented at court during the first Financial Hearing and helped HUGE-time. And just to pre-empt what you might say, which ALL in your position have been convinced/brainwashed of: he doesn't have a job or any money. IT'S A LIE. They all do it. Unless the solicitor you choose is one his/herself (and I advise you get a female for obvious greater-empathy-thus-fury-on-your-behalf reasons) (remember, everyone's only human and in the general and family judiciary's case - despise those who are anti-society, community, family, decency). You don't have to worry - he most definitely is a Perpetrator. Trust me - you'll come out of any Divorce & Family Law solicitor's office as high and relieved as a kite! *He* won't. The other favour they've done you is, that because he's injunctioned, he can't even see the kids (and who in their right mind would want him to anyway...with you no longer there, he'd just start taking it out on them or using them as pawns/coshes as an indirect way to beat you up). So, with any luck, by the time the court hearing arrives, they'll decide that the kids are too settled into a routine with just you to add ANOTHER disruption to what they've already- NO - HE'S already made them have to go through. I imagine at best, he'll only be allowed once-fortnightly weekend, SUPERVISED visitation. If you've got any dirt on him - never mind if you felt forced or loyalty-bound to abet, 99% of victims ARE and it comes under Coercive Control (Ambient) so you'll be fine. *He* wont'. Anyway, I'll go into more detail for you once the time arrives. _______________________________________________________________ 'Munchkins', eh? Well, I roughly know your age, then? :) Cute ages, 8 and 18mths especially, aren't they. Are you hearing endless Poo jokes from the elder yet? Try her with this one: Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet? He was look for Pooh. ...and watch her roll around in hysterics, haha.) Thanks for the in-awe comment (blush-blush). In actual fact, I was born this way - pointing out the elephant in the room and providing solutions, even before I could talk but as soon as I could point, allegedly. (Narcs ab-so-lutely despise my guts once they realise I see so through them I can tell what they've had for breakfast - plus my gift of the gab - plus that I'm even scarier than them if/when they push me) - as you can imagine. Which is excellent and a perverse giant compliment.) I had nothing to do with it, however. Once I started voraciously studying human behavioural Psychology (precocious kid for-sale haha...adult in kid suit more like!) - as in, 'WTF is wrong with everybody!?" (- not literally everybody, or I wouldn't still BE here) - it taught me nothing but what I already knew and was doing/being. Ergo, the giant clue to anyone intelligent enough was - it was a gift meant for others as well as myself, and I was chosen as the mere, earthly distributor (psycho-emotional equivalent of Ocado hahahaha!), so I found my vocation and place in the world very early on (two separate careers - the paid freelancing to fund the charity work), plus think it's a downright DISGUSTING crime/sin that those not financially well-off get second-rate or zero help - like your so-called free Psychologist. They should be included in your "man-da-tory (- hah - Tory!), month-ly, Na-tion-al Health In-sur-ance" (where's the effing Ombudsman for that?!). So I have NO IDEA how he could be party to that ridiculous nonsense...2 piddly sodding sessions. He could have advocated and appealed for you - and HE wasn't to know you had this place to fall back on - so tell him I said, "P*SS-OOOOFFFF, you half-melted chocolate teapot - you AND yer stinky mates!" (Plus, we don't know there *isn't* a Hell so - why even go there (pun intended), you'd have to be thick as pig shite and quite a bit disconnected from reality to take THAT level of risk! I'm not stupid enough). For starters, there is in fact a shockingly fine line and buffer between Comfortably-Off and Poor (and IMO only the disturbed/issue-ridden want to be rich) - before Brexit/Covid it was 3 months' salary but now it's just one....'There but for the grace of God/Fate/Whatever, go I" (I'm spiritual, not religious). In fact, I nearly did go at one point (homeless). I guess 'up there' thought I needed that experience in my tool-belt, too...and I must admit, it helped a great deal having yet another pair of shoes to sample walking in. And - YUP - aside from the it was the Housing Benefits Office that PUT me down there! Based on a too-rigid rule. Usually is the system...the fact it isn't geared-up for nuances and extenuating/mitigating exceptions and situations (putting it lightly). It's all so bloody dated, like everything else in UK that Brexit and Covid - BOTH of which the govt ought to have been prepared for - brought to light and made far worse. One can COPE with life's fairly constant shite, ...normally. But NOT with an emotionally AND physically violent monkey on your back! What started ME off, in terms of Proactivity, was, walking suddenly and unexpectedly into the family sitting-room, after the 9am watershed (had left something important on the coffee table), seeing on the news before the parents had a chance to switch the channel, that a middle-aged man had r*ped a 2-year-old BABY! I mean - COME. OOOOOON?!!! I. (normally gentle). Went. MENTAL. Literally yelled, 'No-no-no-no-no-no-noooo-noooooo!!!' about fifty times, followed by 'I am NOT! HAVING! IT!' as I kicked the telly over (fizz-bang-pop) (I paid for the replacement - I've always worked/earned/created money, even underage..."entreprrreneeeuuuur-ah". Son's the same (thank feck).) Anyway, this was why I found 'No-One's' account of her younger brother throwing a cup of tea at Gargamel(sp?) - on telly - to get him away from the Smurfs.......I thought - Houston, we have another Narc-Slayer. (BTW/Pssst!...Are you ready to tell me what your so-called marriage and this recent denouement was like yet? Just say No if not. But remember: I've been there (including deliberately for study's sake), including having had to physically defend myself (counter-attack more like), so there's nothing I don't know about what you've been through. (PS: even if you have to use YouTube and move your sitting-room furniture back - teach your kids AND YOURSELF self-defense moves and practise them until they're almost reflexive. I CANNOT stress that enough. The point is: once you know them you don't even get the opportunity to USE them because, the fact you CAN defend yourself, carries in your voice and whole vibe. And bullies rely on victims being smaller, 'WEAKER' and more defensless than themselves. If you can match them - they tend to just 'GESTURE' violence. If you can surpass them, you just have to suddenly go to move a piece of hair out of your eyes and they're jumping backwards out-of-range! It's actually not hard to make Narcs scared of you. ESPECIALLY if normally you're mild-mannered. The chasmic difference manages to produce a (rare- google) Shock Response out of *them* for a change. Another bonus to all of this: your pain threshold goes higher. Psychosomosis is involved, but, basically, things that used to make you react in pain are just "no biggie" any more, compared-to. Anyway, try to just accept you're in one of life's roller-coaster dips/troughs at this juncture. That's what a giant crossroads plus University Of Life Masters Degree, FEELS like. Plus, you're literally De-Toxing as an ongoing process (brain-de-spaghettifying and -puking). Vent it out as much as you like (and I'll keep marking you out of 10, haha...but I will). You're showing our Thea and other shy & too-inhibited types how it's done, anyway, so thank-you BACK. :) Anyway, it's highly useful for you to keep keeping-in-touch with your own, natural-human, inner psychopath (which FYI, FAR outranks an unhealthy-minded one, as well as all Narcs and Sociopaths). So Fungus it is! Unless you can think up a better one? I have thought of Toad Of Toad Stool? (Tots for short, how appropriate. I'm betting he THREW his Hotwheels more than played with them. No doubt AT someone. Let's not forget that even if abused or neglected, they're spoiled rotten too - usually during adolescence (once they're big or bulshy enough) if not earlier.) Haven't finished - just breaking off to feed my feral cat. Last one disappeared (was looking too healthy and gorgeous from my food and support, got snapped-up I shouldn't wonder), but I've got a new one. Younger, bolder, sweeter...FAR more intelligent! 'Tabby' was obviously provided as practise-run. I bloody love cats, I do. And training animals (including all bipeds hahahaha). Patience and Endurance - those are the two most important adult qualities to have, I reckon (you definitely have!). Women on the whole tend to have more of that than men. Men are actually more vulnerable to just throwing themselves off a cliff/under a train (go google the stats for male v female suicide, including after a full-on, Abusive Fauxlationship). Reason is simple: it's shocking thus cow-ing ENOUGH when someone you thought you knew acts opposite to nature but even MORE shocking and emasculating when a (no they're not -) WOMAN (sugar n spice etc.) is a nasty-nasty bully and thug, eh. Anyway - back in a tick...

(...well, I START friendly, put it that way (quick reminder in case our recent troll or any others fancy a pop). There's a reason why everyone round here is so well-behaved; I didn't get the job because of my sexy legs, haha.)

SORRY - didn't finish my sentance: "Unless the solicitor you choose is one his/herself (and I advise you get a female for obvious greater-empathy-thus-fury-on-your-behalf reasons) (remember, everyone's only human and in the general and family judiciary's case - despise those who are anti-society, community, family, decency). You don't have to worry - he most definitely is a Perpetrator. Trust me - you'll come out of any Divorce & Family Law solicitor's office as high and relieved as a kite! " Unless the solicitor is one his/herself...... they will appoint a Barrister. And a Forensic Accountant (access to all financial accounts/expenditure, especially hidden ones), unless the Barrister is also one themself (many are - to keep client-victim's costs down). Also, let me know THE MINUTE Nex tries/dares text or email you. We can use this for us, manipulate the uck out of him to get him to spill stuff, as Hildebrande (victim's) Evidence. You realise he was undoubtedly cheating on you, even from the day you met (which would have made that, cheating on another woman who was convinced she was his Only), don't you? Again: Swat Narx Do. (Overly strong link now established, deeper research still ongoing.)

And this one (ffs): "If you've got any dirt on him - never mind if you felt forced or loyalty-bound to abet, 99% of victims ARE and it comes under Coercive Control (Ambient) so you'll be fine..." - START LOGGING IT NOW. You can do it here and print it out, and then you'll have his Rap Sheet to scroll back to and re-ignite your anger (which makes you immune to being soft-soaped - e.g. But I love yooooou / You feckin don't, ya pr*ck, now PISS-OFF...oh, and while you're at it - get that rancid breath of yours finally sorted - UGH, nearly made me puke... Doesn't have to be true. But it'll drive him to distraction, trying to be rid of it. (Doesn't make for a sexy chat-up repertoire, eh. Plus his level means he'll have Paranoid Personality Disorder as well, as a standard co-morbidity. Let's use it, not lose it. ;) Oh....trust me...you are NOT powerless...AT ALL. And that's why he tried to DIS-empower you from the get go, even in amongst the so-called 'Love'-Bombing. GROOMING/PRIMING, more like. Same as the Paedo Narcs do to kids before then starting to turn the thumb-screws.) (I pity the kids they once were, and the adults they could have been. But it's no good trying to pity them now...doesn't gel with their delusional Superiority Complex, does it. Ooooh, they HHHHHHHATE being pitied. They always want to 'get you' for that. I mean, how v..ery dare an inferior and/or non-consensual/unawares Servant/Workhorse/Sex-slave pity her *Master*. Anyway, another reason I like Fungus is because that's what we'll turn him into: a wee Mushroom, kept in the dark and fed nothing but dirt n sh*t. They can dish it. But they can't take it. That means, not only is it 'Over at Hello', it's also 'Win-Lose' to you at Hello, too...unbeknownst to delusional, super-arrogant and self-over-estimating Them.) Goes around.... Comes around.... By human hand... And then "The Man". Failing that (even bigger custard punishment pie, taking longer to bake) - can you IMAGINE being one of them on their deathbed? Talk about mind-shattering.

...to continue: "Yes I'm just busy packing whilst juggling the munchkins. Back home in Rental but not happy. Constantly alert, vigilant on tenterhooks. Can't relax. So when I get a moment (usually the wee small hours) I start wrapping, sorting and packing boxes." Well, I guess it's good to be ready, even if you don't find anything suitable. However, his type are very good at pretending 'their bad mood' (which they subtly try to make you believe was somehow YOUR fault - Blame-Shifting) is long gone now and please can they just come round to talk to you, promise I won't shout, promise, I miss you so much, yadder-yadder...claiming to have had an ephiphany and have signed-up for therapy (which they'll drop as soon as you take them back), etc., etc.-ollocks. A change in perception and attitude doesn't work that fast, takes at least 6 months-2 years - longer for a mild-enough Narc (try 10 years!) - and anyway, the severity of his (conveniently archaic) attitudes and behaviours already factors-out his ability to 'realise', if you think about it? That's why experts say (meaning They), 'It doesn't get better, it never gets better, just worse'. Like the Wolf from the Three Pigs, you have to AGREE or INVITE them round - or to have failed to make it clear they're not welcome (injuction, yeah baby!). DO NOT break the injunction yourself (altho, obviously you wouldn't - but other readers might), as it's like ungratefully throwing a gift back. So if he were going to bother - he'd try to get your permission, and wouldn't dare resort to 'blowing your house down'. "Started singing then quickly stopped myself. The voice in my head yelled at me 'Fool! you won't hear if he comes to the door or is outside'. Then that same voice said 'People with a normal life can sing but your life is far from normal'." Normal - but, Nah. Once you make it clear to NSpaths that you now see them for what they really are and know what and why they've been up to where you and everything's concerned - it's far easier AND IMPERATIVE for them to go to 'Linda down the road' (Secondary Supply source, including Primaries-in-waiting). It's not just their ego they have to protect from public/local knowledge (narcissism), it's also their REPUTATION upon which they rely in order to draw or lure other potential victims close (Sociopathy). Plus, when YOU do something to THEM, their Paranoia really kicks in. He'll stay away altogether is my bet. In fact, I'd put a LOT of money on that. You've instinctually done all the right things - that's why. In fact, the truth is this anyway: If he heard you 'genuinely' singing, that would tell him there was no way back to you now. It shows you're more back to normal health and confidence than not. TOO LATE for him to work on you again from almost scratch - *throw away* - *grab new/old one*. NSpaths are nothing if not incredibly lazy-minded and hard-work shirking. ('I've had an ephiphany, darling' / (Resisting barking, 'DONCHOO CALL ME DARLING!) 'That'll be the McDonalds; don't worry, it's just wind" (click-brrrr...).) "It was at this moment the realisation washed over me how I'm terribly damaged by this whole experience and seriously need to start a new life. Somewhere else. Afresh. Not just for the littlies but to be a happier, better Mother." You're only temporarily damaged. Healthies heal. (Narcs don't/can't/won't.) But - as you're only renting - good plan, even just for your peace of mind and total change of scenery (change as good as a rest and all that). PS: You sound like a Home Counties gal - am I right? And what other good/nice family members do you have apart from - Auntie was it? You going to move nearer to them? Also - you realise you can contact OutReach (google Domestic Abuse victim support organisations ((insert your county)). Or check out your Police website: E.g., these are pasted-in from Surrey and Sussex Police websites (as is standard across all the counties): __________________________________________________________________________________ SURREY: *Call the UK police non-emergency number, 101, if you need support or advice from the police and it's not an emergency.* If you have a hearing or speech impairment, use our textphone service on 18001 101. Surrey Against Domestic Abuse Provides information on how to get help and keep yourself and your children safe. East Surrey Domestic Abuse Service East Surrey Domestic Abuse Services is an independent charity providing help and advice in the borough of Reigate & Banstead and the districts of Mole Valley and Tandridge. North Surrey Domestic Abuse Service Managed by Citizens Advice Elmbridge (West), this service provides free, confidential advice to anyone aged 16 or over living in the boroughs of Epsom & Ewell, Elmbridge or Spelthorne. South West Surrey Outreach helpline Gives advice to those affected by domestic abuse living in Guildford and Waverley, including Godalming, Farnham and Merrow. Your Sanctuary The Your Sanctuary domestic abuse helpline runs from 9am to 9pm, seven days a week, offering listening support, information and signposting. An online chat service is available via their website. Your Sanctuary also runs two safe houses for women and children fleeing from domestic abuse, and a specialist male support service available to men across Surrey. SUSSEX: (ditto blurb about calling 101...) Local help Change Grow Live (CGL) Provides specialist support for victims and support of domestic abuse and violence for anyone in East Sussex over the age of 16. Operation Encompass A police and education early information sharing partnership enabling schools to offer immediate support for children and young people experiencing domestic abuse. Safe Space Sussex Local online directory of victim and witness specialist support services. WORTH Specialist Domestic Abuse Service Supports people at high risk of harm or homicide as a result of domestic abuse in West Sussex. Other support organisations: ....Family Lives A confidential and free helpline service that offers emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life. FamilyLine A charity that supports family members over the age of 18. It provides emotional, practical and financial support, as well as guidance on family issues." (Plus they tell you how to hide your visit(s) to their websites - mucho handy! Remember, 9 times out of 10, these support people have been where you are, which is why they want to work there. (PS: YOU could, if you wanted, once you're over it and have finished educating yourself about it? Meanwhile, quite a few, like Outreach, do victim get-togethers/coffee-mornings. Don't auto lower your guard, though, because unfortunately, many Narcs pretend they're victims or are convinced they are...they get pigging everywhere - anywhere there are healthy, decent, especially nice human-beings. But you should easily make some friends and/or phone friends...a lot are still at your stage and don't feel like socialising/going outdoors/having fun yet.) ________________________________________________________________________________ "Question: Like, what's happened and happening with StrepDud?" Answer: For many weeks total disconnect. He tried via mobile but I didn't pick up. He tried text messages which I ignored. I felt like a right proper bitch but I'm angry." WELL DONE! Bitch? Nay-nay-nay. Google "Narc victim F.O.G." - Fear (and dread); (sense of) Obligation - towards the once-nice person; Guilt - including for being a bitch. You're not being a bitch. Even if 'bitch' came into it, which it doesn't - you're being a bitch BACK. It's called Self-Defence. "I helped him when he had covid. I've helped him with his computer, paperwork and so much more over the years." Yup. That's the only reason he doesn't want to LOSE you - sorry, didn't want, haha. WELL DONE! "I admit now to myself though that I never really meshed with him." No - because you're normal-healthy and he's a whacko. Funny how that works, eh? :D "OK I'll stop putting it politely. I decided long ago that he was a selfish pr*ck. More importantly a Wolf in Sheep Clothing. A taker and not a giver!" Yup. (Do asterisk, though, please. Remember, nowadays even little kids are computer pros.) "The other day was his birthday. I caved. I met him at a local cafe. I bought him a big slice of cake and a coffee. It was really uncomfortable. Awkward as shit. He peppered me with questions and it was like playing dodge ball." HAHA! That wasn't a cave-in. That was what I call - a re-check plus last look over your shoulder before you begin your ride, off into the sunset. "I avoided responding or came back with a question about him instead. He does so enjoy talking about himself." Right then - you've DEFINITELY got it! ...Narc-Slaying blood in you! You basically soft-soaped him (back)! And it worked! "Within the first five minutes he'd sufficiently cheesed me off with his criticisms of me as a Mum and person that I didn't absorb a word he said because I was too busy berating myself in my head for having put myself in this uncomfortable cafe chair (it was rickety) in the first place." No, this was very useful. Being unable to believe or KEEP believing that they're the worst kind of p*ick (dystopian nightmare), is what's in play there. (Was he REALLY that bad?) "Why did I go? Why did I do it to myself?" Haha - just answered that. "Thought he would be missing my Mother it being his birthday. Felt sorry for him. Thought he may have missed the kids but his negative comments about them quickly put things back into perspective. I simply can't be around this male." Nope. THERE YOU GO, THEN - SEEEEEE? Very *useful* meeting, ac-tually. "I did not call him a man on purpose." AND AGAIN - SO INSIGHTFUL OF YOU. Indeed - NOT a man.....so let's not tar our opposite-sex counterparts with their disgusting brushes. It's NARCS you hate, not Men (or Women). See how your HA "Officer" behaved opposite to normal-womanly type? "He isn't good for us." NOPE. "He actually told me I can't move that it would be selfish of me in regards to him! WTF?" HAHAHAHAHAHA! But it's because he knows you still have F.O.G. and is trying to encourage said misguided (but natural at this stage) Guilty Conscience. Plus because the Incredulity Factor gets stronger without a topping-up of them to convince you beyond return. AND YOU'VE ACHIEVED THAT - so - SEE parte deux? You've not done one thing wrong this entire time. Not one! Again - I'll TELL YOU if ever you have. (Don't worry - I've done this path-accompanying and guiding successfully a thousand times! Probably more.) "I told him he has no comprehension of the danger we are in or what we've been through." Like HE gives a shite (but well done! - it's you standing-up for yourself - telling him OFF - defence-by-attack - GOOD....you've shown him your muscles (now that you're out of that psychological straitjacket he and the Nex put on you). "It baffles me that he could actually be this thick as a brick." He's NOT. He just doesn't care. The world OWES him, which includes, you. But he can't admit he doesn't, so he'd rather you thought he were thick, than evil. Simple. Que. CA! "Couldn't wait to leave. Left burn marks in the car park LOL" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Were you Starsky? Or Hutch? "Haven't spoken since." Probably best. You might actually kill him. "Suggestions for ex name: bottom dwelling scum sucker (nah accurate but too long & too kind)" Wait - I might be able to use that.... BDSS - BADASS FOR-SHORT. The A's are a given so aren't needed, hahaha. So all this time, you've been in your Mum's position, basically, but to the hilt, haven't you. (Click-whirr-PING!) "StinkHorn in our yard are these seriously offensive poisonous mushroom like fungi that come up often and happen to be shaped like an ugly penis but pong worse than any pub toilet you've ever entered!" What - you mean like the types of venues that don't give a shite about the calibre of their customers (because their standards are too low, too) and so attract SELFISH, OTHER-HATING/CARE-LESS NARCS, whom, despite (er) grown adults, can't be buggered to pee straight or are too pissed to? I always check out the loos in any venue before I'll seat myself. First thing I do. Speaks volumes. Basically, toilets that are ANTI-SOCIAL. Possibly because the owners/managers are narcissistic (or ongoing victims that are over-loaded all the time)? Yeah? (Click-whirr-PING!) "The flies get all over them & their base is a bulb like a man sac. Red and seriously disgusting. Some people call them devilspenis. Yep for years I've been digging these bastards out of the garden. Holding my breath, ripping them out & trying to dispose of them. Alas, they are really hard to get rid off. Just like him! Technical name is Phallus Rubicundus I kid you not LOL" Why - wasn't Nex doing his husbandly duty in looking after the lawn, including aeriating it? (Meantime - pitch fork or just thin pole...poke poke poke all over the lawn and especially around those stinkers, to let the air in....since - AS (REF PUB LOO) you've already noticed - 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness', meaning, Dirtiness (all the way up to debached and disgusting) is next to WHAT NOW? (Click-whirr-PING!) That's a LOT OF DOTS you've now been joining this weekend, isn't it! :) And now...unless you told him to beep-off forever? - watch StrepDud contact and try to lick your arse all over again......USING MONEY, I'll bet. (Narcissistic Counselling for Covert Narcissistic Perp & Victim: Counsellor: "Have you tried throwing money at her?") ('DADDLE-AH-DAAH, DAH-DAH DAAAH-aah-AAH!' Ber-der-ber-der-ber-THAT'S ALL FOLKS!') (For now)

Oh look - we both did the Wolf analogy. :) Well, I suppose if it yells like a Wolf, moves like a Wolf, tries to bite like a Wolf, LOOKS LIKE a wolf (the dark-eyed Mr Hyde shit) - it's a wolf. PS: Bucket of cold water at the ready in the upstairs room that looks down on the doorstep. (That's another one...can't get done for wetting someone, eh. Specially not in self-defense. And a tad of sugar so he can feed the bees and wasps as he leaves?..tis the season, after all, yeh?) Defensive-offensive weapons: Rolling-pin. If yours has handles, take one off. You might need to use it end-on (into his stomach or knee joint). Inner cardboard tubes from clingfilm and foil. Try hitting yourself with one, say, on the thigh or calf - even lightly - you'll see; prepare to be shocked. And their handy box perforator strips - surprisingly sharp. And obvs, kitchen knives. (Kitchen utensils generally, are GRATE!) (see what I did there?) Spray cleaners and the like. Even just lemon water. Straight in the face (nose and eyes). Wet flip-flop (pure agony on bare skin or even through the tight-fitting regions of clothes). Try to sound like his parent, furious. He ought to freeze or curl up into the foetal position (or start licking for all he's worth). Say all smugly with a Mona Lisa smile: I've got hidden cameras* - SAY 'CHEEEEESE'?! (*You can even insert here, 'Stepdad got them for me...I never realised: he loathes you even more than I do'.) Very damp teatowel, hold it by one corner, draping down.....twirl-twirl-twirl and WHOP! (nearly as bad as the flip-flop). (Or get a French male friend called Phillipe Fillop and get him to deck him instead.) ___________________________________________________________________________________ PS: What have you explained to the kidlets?

Hello again, Thank you for the in-depth responses. I don't actually have to explain too much at all to my youngest. She doesn't have the comprehension. I've said a few carefully worded phrases and changed the topic back to whatever she was up to. Must admit to doing more trips to the local park than I've ever done before. Albeit looking over my shoulder the whole time and being somewhat paranoid. Practically daily (weather permitting) I take them for a walk to our favorite spot and let them be kids. Scamper, cavort, swing and mix with other children. She is still at that adorable and somewhat silly stage. Nothing matters more to her in life than her favorite plushie. My older girl has made a few queries. She is a thinker. Soulful. Reflective. Mature beyond her years. Relieved. That is how she seems. Wary also. Understandably shy of strangers (adults not other children). I admit to having spent more time focusing on escape and protection than damage control. I did however speak to her school Principal and she spoke with my daughter's favorite teacher. They have a few teachers it isn't just one. She is talking with a school provided counsellor once a fortnight. She has stayed overnight at my friend's house a couple of times. She is from the same school and a single Mum of two (few years older boy and a girl one year older than my own). My friend has been very supportive. I myself am trying to digest some comments Kate said to me over the phone the other night. It felt like a slap in the face. She came out with it rather out of the blue, so I was ill prepared. She said 'so let me get this straight your stepfather has inherited everything and that is the way your Mum left her will'. I said 'yes that is correct'. She said 'Oh that is just awful. Your Mother didn't care about your circumstances with him or what you've been going through with the x. If she did, she'd have left provisions for you and the girls'. Then she went on reiterating the story of her Mother and how she made certain she got everything (only child). She apparently even made mention of it again in her last hours so Kate knew she'd never have to worry about money ever. So then Kate dropped the 'bomb' which has left me thinking too much. She said 'oh I feel so sorry for you. You poor thing. Your Mother didn't love you at all nor your girls. That has to hurt'. Then she went on saying something about she heard once that the three people you want in the room with you as you do the death rattle are the 3 most important and influential people in your life. She said they're the people who truly know you, saw the 50% good in you and the 50% rotten and loved you regardless. She said I was with my mother of course and my two kids. So I've been contemplating this a bit too much. I recall how my Mother about one month before her death said over lunch 'if only my parents were still alive then they'd be beside me at my end'. So that counts for two favorite people right? Well as she death rattled, she asked my Stepfather to stay and sent me out of the room. I thought she didn't want me to see her like that. I thought she was being considerate. Not letting my last memory be that horrible scene. After listening to Kate's story the voice in my head is telling me that he was her third choice for favorite person. I was left outside alone. It isn't like I can ask her now can I?

Bear with - playing catch-up again! ANOTHER busy-ness tsunami hit since last week! It's like problems lie in wait until August when it's too hot! Be with you as soon as I can - have caught snatches about Kate, know how you're feeling, how de-stabilizing this is/she's being... Par for the Recovery Course, I'm afraid (I'll explain), but it's perfectly dealable-with, no wozzies.

Dear Soulmate All good. I understand. Noticed myself the number of people having issues. Seems to be an epidemic these days. I understand because I totally need a psychiatrist but if you can't afford one then you fall through the cracks. People are flat out putting food on the table let alone pay a heap of money for one hour of dad jokes by a well-meaning dork. I had a shocker of a meltdown in the local shopping Centre, and now I'm worried I'll lose my children if I can't rein in my temper. I feel so ashamed. Took my heart ages to stop racing. I was sick in the stomach all night because of it. So here is what happened. In the Centre is a small Book Swap Library. Not a closed in shop. Like a set up display in the middle of the shopping center. Took the girls for some reading material. There are cushions scattered on a big rug on the floor, sofa's and chairs. We were happy. We were laughing over a kiddy book when an older male was staring at us with disgust on his face. At this stage the girls had not noticed him at all. A worry in itself. He started to take massive strides towards us. This man gave me goosebumps from the onset. His facial expression was frowning. His eyes had a glint. There was a vibe to this creature. I just felt it. He was about mid 60s to 70. I could not fathom any reason why we had infuriated him, I could see it clearly in his eyes which darkened. His right arm was twitching, and he was clenching releasing his fist with anger he clearly could not contain. Seen it before. Recognized the signs. So I put my right hand up in a stop sign gesture. He briefly stopped. He glared at me like he hated me. It was weird. Then he forcefully stated 'she shouldn't be doing that!'. He was pointing at my oldest towards her leg. I turned my head and looked. She had only her right leg up, bent at the knee, but her sneaker was on the sofa. I hadn't realized. Been reading and having a good giggle with them over the kids joke book. She stared, frozen in fear. He started to move closer to us. I put my hand up again & said loudly 'STOP! do not come one step closer to us. You mind your own business and I'll do the same. Now get on with your day Sir. There was one male about 35 looking at books with his young boy and he grabbed his child by the hand & quickly walked off & only one other lady an Asian with grey hair so quite old, nobody with her, lifted her head and began to watch clearly with interest peaked. As he walked closer my little one just stared at him, but my big girl began to shake so I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer into me. He stopped about 3 feet from us and went off at me. Bad Mother. She needs to be taught to respect furniture blah...blah... I'd tuned out as I was planning my next move. I heard people have to sit there in their nice clothes and this brat has put her dirty shoe on the couch. Disgraceful. Now take it off. Big girl began to move her knee. I put my hand over it and patted it & stopped her with a bit of gentle force. I turned to her and said 'nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your body. Only me your Mum. This man is rude mannered and out of line. He should be minding his own business. Only Mommy tells you when to put your leg down ok. Remember your stranger danger. She was visibly upset now. I told her 'Mommy has got this don't worry'. He loudly said 'that's right put it down kid'. I said 'Sir get on your way or I'll call out loudly for Security'. He said 'you'll learn because I'm going to report you and your brat first'. He then parked his trolley which was really full with buckets & mops more so than food, left it there and headed up the escalator which I knew at the very top not 1 meter from the escalator is a largish desk like an Enquiries Counter, run by a Security Lady who helps people hire out wheelchairs parked there. If you follow. All I cared about was that he was gone. I had to deal with my eldest. The little one was swinging her legs and smiling at the Asian woman across the way so unperturbed. The Asian lady was smiling back at her. However, big girl was majorly disturbed. Terrified. Trembling and asking to leave. I knew I should have just taken their hands and left but I didn't. To me that shows cowardice. In hindsight I realize it would have been best to walk away. I said to my oldest 'you don't have to put up with that type of treatment from anybody male or female ever. that man should not have approached us or spoken to us rudely'. As I said this the Asian woman had moved closer & was nodding her head. She smiled kindly towards me and I smiled back. Suddenly out of seemingly nowhere three Security Staff ran headed straight towards us. Two women and youngish male. In uniform. The three stopped about 4 feet from us. The women were frowning at me. The man was on his walkie-talkie saying 'the situation seems to have settled, they're still here, what should we do?' I heard the voice say 'come up here the man is getting aggressive with me now'. They turned on their heels and ran up the escalator. The four of us just stared after them. The girls, myself & the elderly Asian Lady. Unfortunately, it doesn't end here. Bad Mother award coming up. I wanted to make a point of standing up for yourself. Not taking shit from anybody. I asked the Asian lady if she'd watch the girls for a moment as I wanted to go up to the enquiry counter and tell them how he had behaved towards us. I know the Asian was a stranger, so yep mixed message to my girls but I explained to the oldest that I could see them looking over from the top of the escalator and I'd be as quick as I could be. We shop here all the time so know the layout of the land really well. Like the girls know where the toilets are & toy shop etc. I'm Sorry this is long winded to tell in full.

I bolted up the escalator to the enquiry desk and the woman who worked on it. The aggressor male was arguing with her and the youngish security male (two security women gone nowhere to be seen) was standing slightly to the side just listening. The male piece of shit was raising his voice and telling major lies making up shit that my kids were supposedly doing to ruin their book swap area. The enquiries lady was getting frazzled as he was getting more agitated physical signs clearly showing & getting in closer to her face. She was leaning back now. She turned to me and said 'sorry about this I'll be with you in a minute if you need to hire a wheel-chair'. Then the male dirtbag said 'it's her' pointed at me & started going off. I don't even know what he was saying. People were now looking and the young security male moved towards him asking him to move back from the counter and away from the service woman. She turned towards me and I remember she said 'don't worry I know it's lies the Security women came back and told me you and your girls weren't doing anything. This man is clearly having a bad day'. Whilst she was saying things to me (have to admit can't remember it all as I was more intent on watching the piece of shit and the young security male. He was telling him to leave now and pointing to the exit doors. So the aggressor man headed towards the exit. In my head I was going the fool forgot his trolley WTF. Security young man & the enquiry counter woman told me 'All is well now he's clearly a very grumpy old man, he's gone so you can return to your children'. Hit me like a brick. He's gone around the other way of the Shopping Centre for his trolley. Back towards my kids!!! He tricked them both. I yelled it to them back over my shoulder as I bolted down the escalator. I was only halfway down the escalator when I saw him approaching my girls and no Asian woman to be seen! She'd left them alone. I know it was my responsibility and not hers. My oldest was sitting there with terror on her face & holding the little one close to her. I yelled from the escalator 'get away from my kids' but then I lost it yelling whilst I ran 'you bloody pedophile! Sick, twisted individual, how dare you!' and so much more. You get it Soulmate. I verbally tore him to shreds loudly! Went up to his trolley and told him to come over & get it and leave or I swear I'll flatten you with it you sick bastard. I'll run you down! Yes, now I was totally out of control. There was no stopping me. I'm sorry to say. I don't exactly know how...perhaps my screaming was heard, perhaps a passerby? I called him a bloody pedo perving at my daughter's leg and that he should be locked away. All decorum gone. No longer a mild-mannered mama. A man with a suit and label saying Centre Manager appeared out of nowhere, he had a walkie-talkie on him, told me to sit down beside the girls and went up to the jerk and demanded he leave. The aggressor did leave! He grabbed his trolley, muttering under his breath the whole time & headed out the doors very fast. The Centre Manager headed back to me & was saying stuff but to this day I have zero idea what he said, not a word do I remember for his talking for the first five minutes. I heard something about calming down, he believed we did nothing wrong. I got the gist he was on our side. He was very serious though. No smiles from him. Stern faced. By this point I felt embarrassed and ashamed. He was apologizing to the girls that they had to go through that. He told my eldest he had no problems with her or her sister. At this point I thanked him profusely for his assistance and I apologized for my outburst and disturbing the peace and I started to gather up our things. We hadn't done any grocery shopping. Left the books behind. As we were leaving the woman from the enquiry counter caught us on our way out. She said to the girls 'that was an angry, aggressive man and he clearly has mental problems and none of us need to put up with him. Little darlings you did nothing wrong and your mommy has nothing to apologize for. He got very mean and angry with me upstairs. don't let it spoil your day. go home and watch something good on the tv and forget about the likes of him. He needs a doctor.' She was very pleasant and kind to the girls. Little one smiled. Big girl visibly not happy still. So there you go. I have serious anger issues. Scared myself!

"Thank you for the in-depth responses." Du ist welcommen, mein Leibling. :) "I don't actually have to explain too much at all to my youngest. She doesn't have the comprehension. I've said a few carefully worded phrases and changed the topic back to whatever she was up to." Coolio Iglesias! "Must admit to doing more trips to the local park than I've ever done before." Don't forget the towel, in-case! ('Whaaaah, got-ta we(t) bo-ttom, Mu-mmy...')...and/or for emergency twirling and flicking? ;) But - good. Because being amongst green grass and trees is a multi-whammy of pure, natural Therapy. What do you do there? Do they have playground equipment? Pond for feeding the ducks? Do you have a dog, btw? "Albeit looking over my shoulder the whole time and being somewhat paranoid." Normal. Hence my comment about the small towel, above. (Responding as I go, not reading ahead for some reason.) Self-Talk Correction: 'Understandably, somewhat on-guard/over-vigilant - looking over my shoulder the whole time'. If you weren't, I'd be calling Matron (okay?). You just need time for the fact of the Injunction to sink in ...and to practise flicking that damp towel....practise makes perfect and all that. But let's think what else much-needed or standard item one would take to the Park (006...Bond, Jemimah Bond...). An apple and paring knife - course!...kids get hungry and it's a perfect setting for making them appreciate their fruit n veg (, Officer). Also, GOTTA have your favourite, mini squirt-bottle of highly acrid Perfume, now, haven't you because - you're a lady and it lives permanently in your handbag, anyway (, Officer). And I do like a bigger, heavier handbag, Occifer...with lots of metal buckles all over it, yes.... Best fruit is Oranges, you know. Pack of 6, still in their mesh bag. Another surprisingly heavy-duty weapon (against Scurvy, Officer). Come on, you - get yer imagination in gear and see what you can come up with? ...But anyway...I call it, Doing a Meercat. And FYI (let's remove that sizeable virus from your bonce, shall we?): Paranoia is when there ISN'T any external, incoming data to justify/normalise the nonetheless very real sense of apprehension or anxiety/feeling under-threat, so it doesn't apply in your case. And anyway, as me dear ol' Dad used to say: Just cos you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get ya! Haha. Tip: Be very careful how you talk from now on because your inner animal can mistake it for valid feedback from 'your pack/posse'. It therefore works as, you, continuing your abuser(s)' abuse FOR them, in-absentia. AN' WE DON' WANNA DO THAT, DO WE, you've had ENOUGH of that shite. :) "Practically daily (weather permitting) I take them for a walk to our favorite spot and let them be kids. Scamper, cavort, swing and mix with other children." (Strike all park-related questions. And that sounds lovely. Do you have a swing/seesaw as well? It's great for getting you back in-touch with Past You (who had no concept of Nex's existence). "She is still at that adorable and somewhat silly stage. Nothing matters more to her in life than her favorite plushie." I know...Toddlers are just too cute and funny. Self-Talk Correction: "Aside from (older daughter) and I, nothing matters more to her in life than her favorite plushie." (Doesn't take long, being this anal and pedantic - 2-4 weeks til it becomes the new habit - but it is vital and sooo revealing, as well as Ego into Self-Esteem re-inflating. So you'll have to realise there's always method in my seeming madness, and forgive me for a bit, please-thank-you :)) "My older girl has made a few queries. She is a thinker. Soulful. Reflective. Mature beyond her years." Reminds me of someone....can't think who? :D "Relieved. That is how she seems." YEAH. "Wary also." YEP. "Understandably shy of strangers (adults not other children)." Yep. (SHE got an 'understandably, look?....hmmmmm, funnyyy thaaat, eehhh? LOL, I pre-rest me case. Not that you were arguing, haha.) "I admit to having spent more time focusing on escape and protection than damage control." Yeh. "I did however speak to her school Principal and she spoke with my daughter's favorite teacher. They have a few teachers it isn't just one. She is talking with a school provided counsellor once a fortnight. She has stayed overnight at my friend's house a couple of times." EXCELLENT, WELL DONE! What did the teachers say? You realise they see this a lot and can pick up on it via you as well as your kids? "She is from the same school and a single Mum of two" JEEZ, they're starting young these days, aren't they?! (HAHAH - sorry - it's Satdee night and I couldn't resist!) "(few years older boy and a girl one year older than my own)." They good kids?...good manners, all of that? "My friend has been very supportive." Thumbs-up! - and - oh yeah? Has she, too, 'been there', do you know? Anyway - new, budding friendship already! (*Incredible* how fast you're going!! Is this NOT your 'first rodeo'?) "I myself am trying to digest some comments Kate said to me over the phone the other night." Wait! I need to be 100% on who Kate is before I can proceed (context, innit). You mean, this supportive, single mum? Roger - Over?

Oh, I've only just realised I failed to spot your two above my response! I'll answer them at whatever point today, after you've confirmed who Kate is so that I can deal with that part first.

Kate is my friend from the children's school.

So Kate and this single mum of two are one and the same? Or another, longer-established friend? If yes - how long have you known her emotionally-intimately and, before that, as just another school-mum aquaintance?

Sorry, didn't put that clearly enough: how long have you known this Kate or, if they're two, separate people - this other friend AND this Kate?

Sorry. Kate is the friend from school. One and the same person. The supportive single Mum. Whom the girls are comfortable with. Long story actually. I knew Kate and she knew me when we were both 15 years old through our Mom's. We didn't really hit it off at first. Our Mom's sort of pushed us together as it was handy for them when they went out dancing that we keep each other, Company. I had my own group of school friends. Went to a different school to Kate. When she tagged along to nightclubs with us (false id's to get in as we were too young) she was a very Catholic good girl. Virgin. Boring. She'd lecture us on our clothes & flirting. Stick in the mud. I was never particularly fussed on her as she was rather judgmental and opinionated. I considered her only an acquaintance. She tried to outdo me always. She would brag about their money, house, car. Her home life was better than mine. They moved a few States away. I did not keep in touch with Kate. Mom did keep in touch with her Mom by phone and mail. It got more infrequent though I believe. Reduced somewhat over time. When I changed my girl's school (due to fees) I discovered Kate had come back to live here with her husband and kids. They are still married. Her Mom had sadly died of renal failure through Doctors misdiagnosis. I didn't know that. Mom never told me. Long story short we started up talking as adults now and seem to hit it off better than when we were teens until her recent comment. I've avoided her since.

Still technically married. They are working on it. They've had some time apart. He moved into a rental unit very nearby to see his kids. Walking distance. She's actually separated but she avoids telling people that. At school functions they act still together. It is a show they put on. She says and he says they still care about each other very much. Sometimes he stays over. They are not divorced. In answer to your question yes very good children. Well mannered, clean, doted on and cared for very well. Loved.

Be with you later today! :) Sorry for the wait - it wasn't for lack of trying.

It's ok to skip me if you'd prefer and talk with others. I'm too livid to chat or function. He got to our friends and relatives. I'm being persecuted and some are believing him. I feel like vomiting. I've lost friends. Guess they weren't really ever friends at all.

Just spotted 'okay to skip me'. Nah, I'm not skipping you, but I am failing to fit everyone in, in timely fashion. You're definitely next, tho....getting there... Later today or this evening (people thankfully go quiet at the weekends unless you've pre-arranged a firm plan - and it's too fcknot for that, still sweating buckets). Soon(ers)! :)

Actually, no - just saw 'feel like vomiting' - I'll do it now... 1st post: Aug 19 08.41: "Sorry." That's okay, you weren't to know how pedantic one has to be in these cases (which is handy since I naturally am haha). "Kate is the friend from school. One and the same person. The supportive single Mum. Whom the girls are comfortable with." Got it. "Long story actually. I knew Kate and she knew me when we were both 15 years old through our Mom's." Okay... "We didn't really hit it off at first. Our Mom's sort of pushed us together as it was handy for them when they went out dancing that we keep each other, Company. " Not for you kids' benefit, then. Got it. Self-Centred Mothers alert. You both Only Children? "I had my own group of school friends. Went to a different school to Kate. When she tagged along to nightclubs with us (false id's to get in as we were too young) she was a very Catholic good girl. Virgin. Boring. She'd lecture us on our clothes & flirting. Stick in the mud." Adult before her age, then, yes? Forced to spend too much time around exclusively her parents and other adults - or natural-born? "I was never particularly fussed on her as she was rather judgmental and opinionated. I considered her only an acquaintance. She tried to outdo me always." Red Flag. So not adult-sensible (as intended), just holier than thou and bossy (like Mum). "She would brag about their money, house, car. Her home life was better than mine." Compensating for lack of love and attention (or even, being noticed!). "They moved a few States away. I did not keep in touch with Kate. Mom did keep in touch with her Mom by phone and mail. It got more infrequent though I believe. Reduced somewhat over time." Okay... "When I changed my girl's school (due to fees) I discovered Kate had come back to live here with her husband and kids. They are still married." Okay... "Her Mom had sadly died of renal failure through Doctors misdiagnosis. I didn't know that. Mom never told me." Why the hell not? (Don't answer that....I'm getting it.) "Long story short we started up talking as adults now and seem to hit it off better than when we were teens until her recent comment. I've avoided her since." Yuh. She's understandably incredible insecure over you. She doesn't want you to move on because she thinks that automatically means - from her. Try making future, do-able plans with her, no matter how trivial ("next Summer let's try that riverside restaurant..."). She won't suspect anything as it's natural once you realise you're actually safe and free ("-free-freeeeee!") of the Nex, to feel like making lots of plans for fun-fun-fun (because that's something you were starved of). See if that makes her more positive and report back.

"Still technically married. They are working on it. They've had some time apart. He moved into a rental unit very nearby to see his kids. Walking distance. She's actually separated but she avoids telling people that. At school functions they act still together." She's been taught that ones outside is more important than ones inside (image is everything, feeling must be hidden) (and in her case, acted-out). OR - since his actions 'within walking distance' speak loudest - it's HIS idea. (Unless he can't drive or is car-less?) "It is a show they put on. She says and he says they still care about each other very much." Then surely, it's NOT a show - or not JUST a show? Or do you disbelieve their alleged feelings? Have you spotted clues? "Sometimes he stays over." Okay. So they're still having sex? Or the kids are nagging? "They are not divorced." Just Separated, then. Do you know why? "In answer to your question yes very good children. Well mannered, clean, doted on and cared for very well. Loved." Okay - noted. Amended question: How long have you two been re-united: first, as re-acquaintances, second, this close?

PS: Do you - or the grandparents - ever babysit her kids/offer to, so she can go to his place?....ever?

"It's ok to skip me if you'd prefer and talk with others." 'Ere - what's that smell? Burning Martyr! (FLICK you (with a skippy-rope), more like! Haha) Google "NVS - Catastrophising". You'll be doing a lot of that for the next few weeks/months. Your needle's stuck in Meercat mode. Your mind's trying to find outside things to blame that over-reactivity on so as to avoid having to wonder if you've gone mad. Answer: nope. It's standard post-NPD Abuse Recovery-Path stuff. It IS, however, a sign of Anxiety backlog, so if it DOESN'T peter-out then you need to ask your Doc for some anti-anxiety pills (non-drowsy, gently-layering and plateau-ing by month 3). They're superb step-stools. You can also - when the grieving/over-processing waves/contractions hit too hard - take an Ibuprofen and Paracetamol together. Have you changed or added to your external door-locks yet? I think you'll feel a lot better as soon as you do. "I'm too livid to chat or function. He got to our friends and relatives. I'm being persecuted and some are believing him." Again - par for the course. Ignore your reaction and focus on the truth of what's happening. Those that secretly always disliked you (jealous, threatened, too much like hard work because you're a truth-speaker who topples their house-of-cards lies) will now show themselves, meaning, you can now safely instantly dismiss that deadwood. Those that don't: a few won't care/don't want to get involved whereas those that support you are your true friend material for-long-term or -life. Put another way: the people will stay, the rats will bite your ankles as they abandon ship. DO NOT TRY TO KEEP *MUTUAL* FRIENDS (unless they plant their flag). Unfortunately, this taking-sides, playground crap is unavoidable, by virtue of how extreme, black & white, and narrow the narc and everything he creates/touches is - is not just unavoidable but imperative! He gets the chaff, you get the wheat. Google "Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath - The Smear / Slander Campaign". "I feel like vomiting. I've lost friends. Guess they weren't really ever friends at all." There you go. You've gained a new one already though. HELLOOOOOO! :) Well - a brain in a jar that can type... But it's better than peanut butter, LOL. Anyway, you're not powerless to do anything about it. Let's talk again later today (you're still first in t'ut queue, chuck, no worries). I need to go to bed and it's half-past stupid!

PS: ""...made a few queries. She is a thinker. Soulful. Reflective. Mature beyond her years." Reminds me of someone....can't think who? :D "Relieved. That is how she seems." YEAH. "Wary also." YEP. "Understandably shy of strangers (adults not other children)." Yep."" TWO PEAS IN A POD, THEN.... Like Mother, like Daughter....Monkey See, Monkey Do. ONCE you relax - so will she. In fact, she might be uptight additionally because she feels responsible for helping to protect YOU. Give her a little (water-tight) water-pistol containing Lemon Juice. Mix it with Onion juice if you like? But at the moment, it's just survivalistically sensible and a coping mechanism in the absence of any other (or so it feels) to be Meercat-ish so don't suppress it, just TAKE REMEDIAL ACTION - PRECAUTIONS - that give you back your sense of protected-ness and self-defence freedom/capability, with above-listed 'Outings kit'. Put them all in a special shoulder-bag if you like? (Have you implemented any of those suggestions?) The 'over'-reactivity (including expecting the worst) will wear off when it's TIME to. Just don't bother worrying about it or you DOUBLE it, when, actually, all it means is you're still healthy and healing nicely. You're still way ahead of normal schedule tho - you and Curly. (You should have a chat with her some time. And Thea. Your Nexes are all 'cousins' (in-breds haha).) But really, it's no different to what you'd be doing if your injuries were on the outside, e.g. in a wheelchair or on crutches (legs in plaster), neck brace, one arm in plaster, Black Eyes, still, stiff as a plank, sore like you'd just undergone surgery... All of that. Like you'd been in a car-crash. Being bodily out-of-action, unable to run if need be, would leave you equally as wary and too ready to react as this: fight-flight, adrenaline upping... just all-round INCREDIBLY EXPOSED AND VULNERABLE. So you're instinctually doing the right thing in taking all three of you out into Free Therapy Park - daily; it'll be re-growing your confidence by overlaying bad experience (feeling powerless and vulnerable then actually experiencing it) with good ("Go ahead, Punk - make my day....I've got a bag of Oranges and I'm prepared to use them"). Shee-yat - pack a frying-pan if that makes you feel safer? BTW, did I give you a Gold Star already for that one?) (Have another: Thlup! - on your giant forehead). In fact, I suspect you were BORN programmed to deal with these idiots, from your ancestors having had to constantly deal with these types, generation after generation. Your remarkable speed and efficiency says so. The rest is just bones re-meshing and scabs hurting and itching. Heartbroken AND emotionally conned, you woz. BIG-time. LONG-time. Double Whammy...in fact, not just double - again and again (hope-dashed!-hope-dashed! - Cloud 9-hard concrete-Cloud 9-hard concrete...) until his sh*t finally hit your fan. You've been through a HECK of a lot. Considering this - you're doing exceptionally well. Bet he's not. And the fact you haven't heard a peep tells me he's been far too busy chasing new/your replacement Supply - which at such short notice he'd only be able to get in BITS (from her, her and her). He's probably sofa-surfing or living in someone's garage. He's bitter as hell. Because YOOOU....A MEEERE (hawk-spit) WOMAN!....took control and showed him what taking control ACTUALLY looks and sounds like. Not his PRETEND version - cheating, short-cutting, chest-thumping, acting like the (basless) Great I Am &b Font Of All Knowledge while talking pure b*llocks and all that childish, wildly outdated shite. Still! He's just done you a favour and taken away all the backstabbers! Might have taken you ucking YEARS and yet MORE aggro if he hadn't? They're own-goal scorers. Reverse Midas touch. All they get is a hit of instant gratification and then they're back to seething and bitter. You get Short-Term Pain then Long-Term Gain. They only get Short-Term Gain then Long-Term Pain. (Course! They're programmed back-to-front and upside-down.) He's effectively removed obstacles and rocks from your Recovery Path that could too easily have re-injured you. He's just significantly speeded-up your recovery! Or rather - Fate has used him as a Pawn to achieve that for you, by now making his illness work FOR you. Seeing it? Question: You breathing okay? Is the heartache sensation in your diaphram affecting and distracting you?

1st post: Aug 19 08.41: R U both only children? Me = yes Her= no (She had a brother ten years older than her. He died when she was 18 of cancer.) Due to their age difference she mostly did indeed hang around adults. Her Mom teased her that she was an old lady in a young body. Her Mom would say that her girl had trouble both making and keeping friends. She dressed old lady style. She shared clothes with her Mom. One particular memory I have is of a fashion I saved up for via layaway. So thrilled when I got it and wore it to a club. She raised her eyebrows and then frowned at me. She tutted. She called my outfit tarty. It was matching top & skirt. It was red with black lace over. But every part of my body was covered with the exception of beneath my breasts to navel. It was a midriff crop top. Skirt went to just slightly above my knees. She wouldn't walk on the same side of the road as me! She said I attracted 'no goods'. Believe me when I say that I was a good girl. I liked cute, flirty looks but not ever rude. Especially by these days standards! Her Mom was one of the gentlest souls, quiet, a good listener. All her spare money went on her daughter. Daughter in youth majorly bossy to all even her Mom! Daughter very adult sensible. Daughter rather opinionated. Daughter judgemental of others. High opinion of herself. She wasn't liked much. Daughter professional dancer from young age, costumes, many, many trophies. I'd be regaled with it constantly. Her mom had 2 kids to two different fathers. Divorced both. Sadly, I really liked her bro. He had a personality! He was funny! He was entertaining. He was naughty (I thought when I was really young). He drank, smoked, partied. Had a motorbike. So unlike how she is. He was severely overlooked by both Mum & Sister. You could actually forget he existed. I think he was loud to get attention away from his younger Sister. In our youth she'd imply with the odd snide comment that I was a slut. This REALLY pissed me off! Because it wasn't true but I never to this day ever told her that. I let her think it. Why? not sure. She didn't have a boyfriend and I did. Late bloomer her Mom would refer to her as. I moved in with my boyfriend at that time aged 19 years BUT we had separate rooms. I was a virgin also. It was more about getting away from parents than having sex. We fooled around. We didn't go all the way as he was also a virgin. To explain our severe differences I will say this truth. She collected shells and I collected Madonna Albums. I loved music & danced like nobody was watching! Tipsy was my style never blind rotten drunk. At that age LOL NOT her type of dancing (Ballroom). As mentioned I drank alcohol but not overly she wouldn't touch the stuff. She scoffed at everything I did. So I'd up the show when she was around. My friends knew the truth. They thought her a right proper bitch.

My apologies. I probably just bored you senseless with my pathetic stroll down memory lane. I am quite lonely. While I think of it. Yes. I've implemented much of your advice. The door locks I had changed the day after I returned home. Your system in trickery that somebody is home. I have been doing it all. Hard to break those old habits. It has made me realise I'd been doing everything wrong in that regard. So much thanks to you. Amended question: How long have you two been re-united: first, as re-acquaintances, second, this close? Re-acquaintances began via Face Book instigated by Kate after we saw each other in passing at the school. Me outside gate waiting. Her waiting under the tuckshop covered way. So the distance between us allowed me to escape capture. My first reaction was definitely an 'oh f_ck me moment'. Dubious. It was awkward. I was rather sceptical that we could make any sort of connection work. She was keen. I was a reluctant player. Still am truth be told. Every time I'd be on my FB page she'd see my light on and instantly PM me. I found it rather annoying. I tolerated because I respected her Mom and liked her Brother. Both now deceased. Also, I realised that she was in a sense alone now. A sort of orphan. Never knew her Dad as she was told best to stay clear of the loser. Her original nuclear family had passed away leaving her behind. So she sort of has a husband and her two children but I figured that things nowadays would be very different for her. Kind of disjointed family life? Another lady at school mentioned to me how Kate is still grieving the loss of her Mom. So am I. So we have this major life change in common. Long story short we arranged to meet at quarter to three outside the hall for a catch up chat. It took off from there. It hasn't been a year yet. PS: Do you - or the grandparents - ever babysit her kids/offer to, so she can go to his place?....ever? Both sets of Grandparents are deceased. Husbands and hers. I do not offer to mind her children. Her boy doesn't really interact with me nor the girls. Her daughter reminds me of Kate. I don't feel comfortable to mind them due to her still being rather opinionated on everybody and everything. Typing this I now feel like a desperate, needy, user? She has a Sister in Law who lives in her pocket apparently. She talks to her every few days via mobile or FB. The Sis In Law minds her kids and vice versa. Kate tells me they are close. However, in the same breath Kate is criticising her Sister in Law. Which is a red flag to me to keep my distance a little. She has been very kind. Helpful. I always buy her a gift of Thanks like chocolates. Have the girls make pictures for her. I have to go now tend to the children. I'll respond more later when they go to bed.

(Okie-Pokes - I won't post until you're done. :) Haven't read ahead, either.)

Hello again, my apologies I've been busy. The little one just a stomach bug. I've read Curlylocks & Thea1. I feel for them. I truly do. I can relate.

Apologies didn't mean to be a Burning Martyr. I just meant that I wasn't in the mood to chat so no need to stress about getting back to me. Lots of new entries I see. I do have severe anxiety. So I took your combo ibpro with paracetamol. Think it helped a bit. Is the heartache sensation in your diaphragm affecting and distracting you? I don't know that I'd call it heartache. He had to go and has been replaced with a feeling of relief and freedom like I haven't known for a long time. I was always nervous. Picking my lip until it bled (now healing), biting my nails & waiting for the next flare up. However, truth be told, a relative informed me (She's always been a pot stirring gossip and calling it help) that he gave a lift home to a female work mate. She had a cold and wasn't feeling up to public transport. Apparently she stuck her dirty, used, blown on tissues in the little inlet of the door handle. WTF? What a bloody grub. I'm repulsed. I wouldn't let the girls do that. I'd insist they bin it & use antibac. Initially after receiving this news I felt anger & a large dollop of he's welcome to the dirty b_itch. He's never been a clean freak himself. They sound like they are a perfect match to me. Belong together. Hope he gives her a thump to keep her in line. I don't miss the extra washing. Then anger turned to annoyed. Mostly that I gave so much time out of my life that I can't get back and genuine effort to keep the peace with this piece of s_it. OK the anger is still there because I just pictured in my head myself giving him a really good slap across the kisser (Ali McBeal style imagery). You warned me this was coming. I sort of expected it also. What the hell? I mean seriously? How fast do these bottom dwellers move on? Zero loyalty. Zero love. Zero conscience. What about the girls? Is it like they disappeared into thin air for him? I don't want him back! Understatement. I'm no mans fool. But it is insulting to be replaced so fast. It is offensive to his children. OH what am I saying he's clearly incapable of love and I've known that for years. I'm expecting way too much from him. Always did. That was half the problem. He could never meet my standards. Sorry ranting and raving. So there is a bit of resentment and bitter here. Alright there is a huge amount of regret here and a strong desire to deck him. Hope I've answered everything for you. Now you know I've a temper. Verbal not physical. You get some well earnt sleep. Right then I just showed you the nagging Mommy in me. Now Ex Husband was never a fan of my bossy demeanour. He just didn't have enough balls to be my man! I don't know how you do this? As mentioned I did indeed read the other ladies experiences and it is still playing on my mind what I've read. Makes me dizzy. Does my head in. Just reading it makes me spiral into a whole myriad of emotions. I honestly don't know what to say to Curly or Thea other than 'WE DESERVE BETTER!'.

Be with you ce soir! :)

Heya! Awww.....haven't read ahead but have spotted your apology over the burning martyr comment. No need, I was just messing around (hence the hahas). :) Right then - first post: "R U both only children? Me = yes Her= no (She had a brother ten years older than her. He died when she was 18 of cancer.) Due to their age difference she mostly did indeed hang around adults. Her Mom teased her that she was an old lady in a young body. Her Mom would say that her girl had trouble both making and keeping friends. She dressed old lady style. She shared clothes with her Mom." All of that, including that neice-nephew age-gap with her brother amounts to - yes, she was. Just in a different way: had company but not the RIGHT company: other kids. She wasn't socialised with other children, basically. ...And 10yr gaps do tend to smack of, Whoopsie-daisy, and can result in a reluctance on the parents' part to do 'all that baby stuff' all over again considering they've had 10 years to move on from that stage of parenthood. Two sort-of neglected girls, then, but her extent considerably greater than yours? Mind you... if your mother's the type didn't think to mention friend's mother's unexpected death, then, that does suggest a level of *emotional* neglect. Yeah, that set-up sort-of in-common would definitely have drawn the pair of you together (unconscious recognition). But it does sound like, since she's been free of her parents' and relatives' influence she has improved somewhat...softened a lot? Agree? (Plus, having kids is very humbling.) "One particular memory I have is of a fashion I saved up for via layaway. So thrilled when I got it and wore it to a club. She raised her eyebrows and then frowned at me." Oh, erewigo.--- Looked miles better than her, did you? How verray dare you. 1. How old was she back then? "She tutted. She called my outfit tarty. It was matching top & skirt. It was red with black lace over." Hmm... Manipulative and competitive. But again - need to know her age. (That outfit sounds gorgeous. Sexy in a classy way. How dared you (rolls eyes).) She wouldn't have been able to compete with that. Because obviously, all SHE knew were GROWN-UP styles. (What was she wearing that night, btw - Tartan Slippers, a fluffy Pink dressing-gown and a cup of cocoa? LOL) Naah... She wouldn't have had a CLUE what to buy to be more 'cool and sexy'. ...But we still come back to: was worried you were about to soar / 'rise up the ranks' and leave her behind. (That's not the way to do it, though, is it....trying to give you a complex, make you too self-conscious to notice any attention, face like a wet-weekend....NO LONGER COMFY IN YOUR OWN SKIN(s)'. Sounds like maybe you were her only friend, or only genuine, sincere friend, and tolerated her emotional cluelessness more than other kids. "But every part of my body was covered with the exception of beneath my breasts to navel. It was a midriff crop top. Skirt went to just slightly above my knees. She wouldn't walk on the same side of the road as me! She said I attracted 'no goods'. Believe me when I say that I was a good girl. I liked cute, flirty looks but not ever rude. Especially by these days standards!" Why are you justifying it? I repeat: that sounds absolutely gorgeous! Plus, I already KNOW you're NOT a tart. Or else you'd TALK like one. But you don't - not. a. jot. 2. Did no-one in your household, before you left home, say, WOW!, when they saw you in it? Didn't it occur to you, either at the time or years later, that she was just trying to talk down your confidence to put you more back on a par with her (because you were too 'shiny' and confidence which would get you all the fellas)? It's competing without running the race, just tripping you up so that you can't run it, either. It's pretty typical of young teenage friendships, though (key word: sometimes/at some inevitable point, I should add). "Her Mom was one of the gentlest souls, quiet, a good listener. All her spare money went on her daughter." Uh-oh... "Daughter in youth majorly bossy to all even her Mom!" Her parents and brother would have spoiled her - but with palm-offs, not the full parenting she actually needed. Sounds like she had to become forceful to get her 'basics', and a long time, hence, became a habit. Her mother sounds like a Permissive Parent to me (google) - and the results, what you're recounting of Young Kate's attitude and desperation to build herself up, even if that meant bashing you down, majorly supports it. 3. So, this time round - in what ways have you noticed her being easier to get on with? "Daughter very adult sensible. Daughter rather opinionated. Daughter judgemental of others. High opinion of herself. She wasn't liked much. Daughter professional dancer from young age, costumes, many, many trophies. I'd be regaled with it constantly." OH.... Passing on the unhealthy, female-programming baton, eh? Trying to be important by reflecting in her daughter's success. Can't tolerate anyone being in anyway different to themselves......aand other things n stuff... Mini-Me.....which is FINE if the Me is healthily-raised and well-rounded, hence would have been the daughter's CHOICE to model herself on her. "Her mom had 2 kids to two different fathers. Divorced both." OH. So 'brother' was her step-uncle figure. "Sadly, I really liked her bro. He had a personality! He was funny! He was entertaining. He was naughty (I thought when I was really young). He drank, smoked, partied. Had a motorbike." Normal but a bit of a rebel, yeh? "So unlike how she is." Yeah. "He was severely overlooked by both Mum & Sister. You could actually forget he existed. I think he was loud to get attention away from his younger Sister." OR...he might have been trying to save her from the Criticisms Spotlight, like yelling to the dangerous animal that's headed for your loved-one, and pelting it with rocks - "No, over here!!" (or like in Aliens: "Get AWAY FROM HER, YOOU BITCH!")? Which do you think? Anyway - google 'Narcissistic Family Dynamic - the Lost Child/Sibling' and 'The Joker' (and note that roles can be interchanged on the whim/needs of the narcissistic/Narcissistic parent(s)). No need to panic and think you're unsafe or have to dump her or anything. IF she's still a bit iffy like that, there are very simple ways of of puppy-training them. Not QUICK, though....'Slowly, SLOWLY, catchee Monkey....'. You want to go in UNDER her radar.... And make it worth HER while (in HER opinion). Draw Boundaries but without jolting her and triggering her over-sensitive ego defenses. Well, what am I telling YOU for - YOU'VE had toddlers into tweenies, yeh? :D "In our youth she'd imply with the odd snide comment that I was a slut." Yeah. She was no doubt parrot-ing her (oh-so-convincingly) (in front of outside witnesses) gentle and passive mother. Mums are primary role-models to their daughters. Genuinely gentle and passive mothers, on the whole, if they're putting themselves (- not what that phrase depicts) wholeheartedly into the child, tend to raise gentle, passive daughters. (Funny how that works, eh.) Whereas Kate's mother does'ne. (Funny how that works, eh.) "This REALLY pissed me off! Because it wasn't true but I never to this day ever told her that. I let her think it. Why? not sure." Because you felt sorry for her. Pity disarms our urge to rear-up and protest where normally we would (that's why (my theory) 'Failed'-Coverts-Into-Vulnerables (fed enough) into NSpaths, have to over-use that Pity Ploy so much). She was worse-off than you. 4. Probably, she made your family feel more normal thus made you feel better-off, able to laser-focus on the bright side? "She didn't have a boyfriend and I did. Late bloomer her Mom would refer to her as. I moved in with my boyfriend at that time aged 19 years BUT we had separate rooms. I was a virgin also. It was more about getting away from parents than having sex. We fooled around. We didn't go all the way as he was also a virgin." (Yeah, that wouldn't have helped, what with her being left too much to her own devices but not having an innate clue (unlike you).) 5. Nineteen's very young, though. What was it about living with your parents? Just the usual teenage 'dying to be independent' or, worse? "To explain our severe differences I will say this truth. She collected shells and I collected Madonna Albums." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Well... there is a SLIGHT common theme there, if we remember Madonna's bras? They were black-painted Conches, weren't they? That sounds like it could be a song title: 'She sells sea-shells, I shee shells sell (themshellves)'. (Referring to Mad Donna as she became desperate to stay in the spotlight, of course....now THAT'S what you call, being Slutty!) "I loved music & danced like nobody was watching!" Ah-hah! " Tipsy was my style never blind rotten drunk. At that age LOL" Ah-hah-hah-hah-HAAH!. (Sorry for the Sherlock Holmes noises LOL - splain layder) "NOT her type of dancing (Ballroom)." 6. She danced Ballroom or you did?? "As mentioned I drank alcohol but not overly she wouldn't touch the stuff. She scoffed at everything I did." "BE MORE LIKE MEEEEEEEE" . "So I'd up the show when she was around." 7. You'd what? "My friends knew the truth. They thought her a right proper bitch." 8. Whereas you felt sorry for her so took the effort to notice and get to know her good points? _____________________________ Will continue after supper. (Yeah, I know it's 12.45 at night. My stomach knows it even more! Gonna stuff my face and stay up late. I feel like last night was Friday night, making tonight Saturday....weird...)

PS: Do you know what started coming to mind through that whole description of yours about her as a teen? Obviously, a very watered-down version, but... Carrie. And Carrie's mother. Can you see it?

Tsk - should have read: "if they're putting themselves (- NOTE what that phrase depicts) ". The mother first and foremost (during the Blueprinting years), LITERALLY *puts herself* into her child - albeit, with a healthy mother, it's in sensitive conjunction with the child's own, innate individuality. ...A team thing. (Everything is and should be.)

Right, I'll shut-up for a bit and stuff my face. I'm feeling very lazy tonight. Sofa's just too comfy, accommodating, and refuses to relinquish me while I'm powerless to resist. Reaction from the over-busy and-crowded week, I imagine. That, or my sofa's a slut? Haha! Talk about, her being at a loss to find anything REAL to criticise you over?! (Yeah, just make it up, why doncha.) Her mother taught her to talk like that. Well, if it wasn't her mother, it was her father. ONE of them. What was HE like? Her Stepfather, I mean?

Hi again Thank you for responding. I think I may have confused you somewhat. So I'll clarify. Neither of us had a Father or Stepfather around. Our Moms were two divorcee's hitting the over 40's dance clubs and Single Parent Clubs or as I liked to refer to it as a girl 'hey Mom are you going to another one of your left over parties this Saturday?' and if so please don't dump Kate on me. I'd rather stay home alone. I was often a latch key child. Kate never knew her biological Father. I had my bio Father until I was 11. Her Mom had boyfriends over the years though. Only two as I recall both were long term nice enough rejects. My Mom also had two boyfriends over those years and hers were worse blokes than Kate's Moms choices. So my Mom's were short term LOL. You are so right. Her brother didn't live with them. He'd moved out when we were in our teens. Bunking with mates. He wasn't a bad bikie bugger or anything. Just loved Motor Cycles and was ever so slightly wild for fun as you noted. Not a druggie or ever in trouble with the law stuff. Once again you're right. She was like an only child. She hung out with the Country Women's Group as a tag along with the old biddies. She is still a member to this very day!!! She still does this even after her Mom passed away. I guess she likes it a lot. They make scones and knit scarves for war veterans. A worthy cause but a drag for a teenager. She seems to still enjoy it as she puts it on her FB page. KATE was the trophy winning ballroom dancer. Still is! Just recently she sent me a video and she is less than half the dance partners ages. She looks like she's holding them up in case they keel over and die in her arms. Ok that was uncharitable of me. But true. They have walking frames but try to dance for goodness sake. I mean good on them but Kate really? Yeah...yeah...my Mom always reminded me how Kate is a kinder person than I am. Can hear it from the grave. So NO ballroom dancing for me. My dancing was more like an epileptic fit after two pints. By the way I use to drink what we call a 'shandy' being beer with lemonade. Talk about hitting the hard stuff in my youth LOL. Yep very sad how Mad onna turned out. She is a bit warped these days. This is not vanity or in love with myself to say. I DID initially feel sorry for Kate and happily agreed to take her out with my group of friends. That joy of her tagging along quickly wore out though. She wore 50's skirts with the freaking petticoats to a night club and patent flat heeled shoes. I wore a Cyndi Lauper zulu suit once. Nothing short of a miracle that we got in when I look back now. It was blatantly obvious that my friends and I had made fake ID's. Mostly Kate stood outside alone and I had to babysit her in the dark outside the Club trying to convince her to come in. I'd use the 'you like dancing' argument. She went as far as the foyer. To me she fast became a drag. I wanted to please my Mom & her Mom so I tolerated her coming along until I couldn't take it anymore. My friends were complaining about her non stop and starting to say they wouldn't come if Kate was coming. It was a couple years. Then I cracked the s_its. Told my Mom I'd leave her in the dark alone at a bus stop if they forced me to take her along again. Don't worry about me being a b_itch. Kate got revenge using her Mom to tell my Mom that I was up to naughty stuff like hanging all over boys and smoking. Which I wasn't! My bloody Mom believed her friends stories which came directly from Kate. I spent some time in my room on punishment crying because of things I did NOT EVER DO! So I started to hate Kate. I hated my Mom also for taking her side and not believing me. All I did was dance! Talked to a few boys. That was before I had a boyfriend. Once I got my 'first big mistake' I had no need to dance with other males or flirt. I never had much money so was a two pot screamer. Hope I'm not boring you. It was all kind of funny in hind sight. I'm still not really talking to Kate. Not via phone. Not in person. Since her comment about Mom not really loving me. I've kept away. Please don't judge me as an unforgiving b_itch. You don't know all of what has gone down since. She made contact via FB again. Sending me pictures of flowers whilst she was standing in the plant nursery store. Then later that evening she saw my FB light on & began a chat via PM. Long story short she told me off over my little one. Apparently I'm doing the child raising thing all wrong and small fry is quote 'spoilt and demanding' according to her! I get the vibe my little one feels about Kate the way I did as a teenager. Boring stick in the mud. She isn't fun. My older girl plays with her girl. The littlest needs watching. Big girl wasn't in the room so I don't really know what went down last stay over. My little girl is lively. She has personality plus something Kate is clearly appalled by! Her daughter is just like her. A goody-goody little people would say. I also got told by Kate how my tot interrupts conversations too often and needs to be taught not to. So I told her off, abruptly said good-bye and got off my FB page. Yeah I spat the dummy. I'm in trouble now right? I should have taken the high road. I should have handled it better. I was immature. Give me some credit please because I didn't say what I've wanted to for years. Something along the lines of 'remove the broomstick from your a_se'. I literally bit my tongue and got off FB before I said anything too shocking. So hello new friend!

Crap, I fell asleep! Never mind, I'm awake now... Second post: "My apologies. I probably just bored you senseless with my pathetic stroll down memory lane. I am quite lonely." For what? No, actually. Well, maybe we can fix that. Do you fancy going over to Curly's thread and inviting her over here to chat and assist? And obviously, I'll try to catch-up on that massive queue we've got right now (or encourage them to reply to one other as they wait) so that I've got more time for you. I've got to ask, though: if Kate's your best friend, how come you're lonely? How much contact do you have on average per week? Or do you mean because there isn't another adult in the house in the evenings? I meant to talk to you about that: Have you thought of actually taking in a young lodger? Do you have a spare room or bedroom? Any colleges or universities near you? Or large commercial and industrial parks? Buses and trains to the nearest big town/city? That would solve the loneliness (see Thea's thread) PLUS would earn you extra income. Might you want to give that some thought? "While I think of it. Yes. I've implemented much of your advice. The door locks I had changed the day after I returned home." Well done! "Your system in trickery that somebody is home. I have been doing it all. Hard to break those old habits. It has made me realise I'd been doing everything wrong in that regard. So much thanks to you." You're welcome, and - why? What had you been doing? Not dancing naked like no-one was watching, with the curtains wide open, like the infamous tart you are, surely? PMSL! (Sorry - it's her and her ridiculous accusation I'm laughing at. She's the type would accuse you of secretly having been a Black African all along if you came back from holiday with a decent tan!) Worry not. They always do criticize/accuse you of being the opposite of what you are - that's standard Covert Narc Playbook stuff. "Amended question: How long have you two been re-united: first, as re-acquaintances, second, this close? Re-acquaintances began via Face Book instigated by Kate after we saw each other in passing at the school. Me outside gate waiting. Her waiting under the tuckshop covered way. So the distance between us allowed me to escape capture. My first reaction was definitely an 'oh f_ck me moment'. Dubious." Noted, but that doesn't tell me how many weeks/months. What I'm NOTING is that yu were stood at the gates, looking miserable as sin. Correct? Question: how come she hadn't seen or approached you BEFORE that point? "It was awkward. I was rather sceptical that we could make any sort of connection work. She was keen. I was a reluctant player." Very noted. Back at school, did she seem to prefer you and be there properly for you when you were down, rather than when you were ticketyboo but just wanting her to do you a favour, say? "Still am truth be told. Every time I'd be on my FB page she'd see my light on and instantly PM me. I found it rather annoying." Oh dear. This is smacking of pursuing and swooping when you're down and Love-Bombing. Meh. "I tolerated because I respected her Mom and liked her Brother. Both now deceased." BOTH? Oh cripes. That would explain some of it. What about her Dad? "Also, I realised that she was in a sense alone now. A sort of orphan. Never knew her Dad as she was told best to stay clear of the loser." TOLD, eh? Not, given the choice? Loser in what ways? "Her original nuclear family had passed away leaving her behind. So she sort of has a husband and her two children but I figured that things nowadays would be very different for her. Kind of disjointed family life?" Yup. "Another lady at school mentioned to me how Kate is still grieving the loss of her Mom. So am I. So we have this major life change in common." Very much Circumstantial friends, then. Stepping-stones. "Long story short we arranged to meet at quarter to three outside the hall for a catch up chat. It took off from there. It hasn't been a year yet. " So it's been a year since she approached you. Again/above-asked: how quickly did the friendship take off? And what did she have to say about your SNex and Strepfather? ""PS: Do you - or the grandparents - ever babysit her kids/offer to, so she can go to his place?....ever? Both sets of Grandparents are deceased. Husbands and hers. I do not offer to mind her children. Her boy doesn't really interact with me nor the girls." Does he have to? Can't he just play Xbox while the girls play? "Her daughter reminds me of Kate. I don't feel comfortable to mind them due to her still being rather opinionated on everybody and everything." Ah! Yeah, there IS that. "Typing this I now feel like a desperate, needy, user? " (Oy, stop being so down on yourself. I know you're miz but it's not YOUR FAULT?!) Desperate, yes. Needy and a user, no. Her having PUSHED herself on you?...quickly encouraging you to depend on her? Yes. In fact, she was basically trying to shoehorn you into whatever her idea of the perfect friend was, all those years before - right?...see it? So who's using who? One of you would have to be non-consenting and coerced for it not to be a tacit agreement to 'share oars' again? More to the point - I don't hear her complaining - do you? Different if she was. You know she's a bit Iffy *- or *can be a bit Iffy if you prefer, so just proceed with caution and try bolstering her up a bit. Basically, if she's more healthy than not, she'll be appreciative and reciprocal (or at least stop pecking and disapproving, if raising a compliment is beyond her). If vice-versa, if it seems to achieve nothing but 'feed' (and free) 'the monster' - RUN. Or go hide for a bit, keep taking holidays from her under whatever excuses. Might be a very handy skill to have, though, knowing how to play a Narc, rather than pander. Plus, until SNex, you're not IN-LOVE with her so you can see her perfectly clearly. ALSO, this period surely gives you the opportunity to subtly give know-it-all Mini-Me a taste of being more open-minded! E.g. you could help expand her mind with stuff like this classic beaut: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SsccRkLLzU And then, with any luck, maybe as she grows she can pass on her open-mindedness to her mother! (Well, we can hope.) Let's explore as we go, what other Lemons you can turn into lovely Lemonade, shall we? HAHA - just remembered a joke meme: If confronted by Narcissist - squirt Lemon Juice in their eyes before running away! But, so far, she doesn't sound severe. Just niggly/bitchy/snidey and unable to contain her (mildly) "Pathological Envy". (Let me know immediately, however, if she delivers an blow that's too under-the-belt.) Now's not the time for any more disruption, though, really...not unless you suddenly find you have to push her arms'-length away. So I think the sensible thing to do is to work out whether she's ON THE WHOLE good for you or vice-versa....my Dark To Late Ratio. For example: 70% dark, 30% light - forget it! 50/50? - Meh. The reverse: 30 Dark, 70 Light? Tolerable, but just don't let her boss you around or get to you, know you're AVAILING yourself of her (and so is she because she might be about to lose her 'brother'-figure...Cue Quasi Sister (you)). But here's another acid-test question: From your point-of-view, is the friendship steadily IMPROVING as time goes on - or the opposite? Can you tell yet? "She has a Sister in Law who lives in her pocket apparently. She talks to her every few days via mobile or FB." I'd say EVERY day was living in her pocket. That's more a hanging onto the coatails frequency. "The Sis In Law minds her kids and vice versa." Try to find out if it began as, *Kate* offering to help SIL and then 'suddenly' holding her hand out for reciprocation which somehow-suddenly became SIL doing the heavier lifting? PS: What excuse do you give for not having her kids overnight?...Just in-case the SNex calls round to start trouble? "Kate tells me they are close. However, in the same breath Kate is criticising her Sister in Law." Yeah, she's constantly feeling inadequate and having to big herself up at the other person's expense. What is it they say? Those that can't ever have it, diss it? So she solves two needs with the one bitchy stone: gets to vent-out her ever-self-generating Toxins AND to shrink said other person in her own mind. (Initially, she'll have been trained to believe she isn't loveable unless she's perfect in all areas. She must have to cheat a lot, then.) "Which is a red flag to me to keep my distance a little." AH right - you're ahead of me! :) "She has been very kind. Helpful. I always buy her a gift of Thanks like chocolates. Have the girls make pictures for her." Ah, that's nice, that'd make her feel important. :) ...Ahead of me AGAIN, then! Going to finish up tomorrow now (which isn't that many hours away. Hasta manana! :)

Oop - just seen you've elaborated! Will do that tomorrow as well. The Newbies will just have to wait patiently...what else can I do? (Shrug) There's only one of me. ...well,..only one of me that can type, hahahaha. Reminds me of a joke: I told my Psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a Psychiatrist. (Come on, g'is a smile - that one's funny, hehheheheh.)

PS: I have quickly read ahead, ready for tomorrow. Just wanted to reassure you: All these "I'll bet you think this/that" and "sorrys" and "forgive me fors", are all way off and completely unnecessary! I found all of that *highly* entertaining - in terms of, didn't know you had such a way with words?! - it reminded me of Julian Clarey a little - and was cheering you along, ending with, 'GOOD! More standing-up for yourself like THAT, please, Bartender!'. ("Shee's co-min up!...shee wants! the! world! to! know-ho, Got to let! it! sho-ow...") Splain more tomorrow. Relax. I think you and Curly are pure class and *wonderfully* sassy (not to mention, PROCESS/GRIEVE/HEAL AT WARP SPEED!). You'd be surprised how many aren't! Generally, they're the ones that end up mashed. You just need to be more on your side. I know I am. And Curly. Anyway, that was a very cool and stylish, top marks vent! Will finish up tomorrow, including the welcome bombshell. Night-night!

...continued... " OK the anger is still there because I just pictured in my head myself giving him a really good slap across the kisser (Ali McBeal style imagery)." Hah. I've been doing that this whole way! (Tyson-style imagery haha....not that it's a competition or anyth- YES IT IS - ME FIRST!....or, you hold him down and I'll keep him down---Teamwork, haha. "You warned me this was coming. I sort of expected it also. What the hell? I mean seriously? How fast do these bottom dwellers move on? Zero loyalty. Zero love. Zero conscience. What about the girls? Is it like they disappeared into thin air for him?" They don't "move on" - they simply pull one of their harem that's forever waiting warm (or furious) in the wings, onto the stage, and into the spotlight - deliberately to hurt and publicly humiliate you ("take THAT, bad and ungrateful Slave!") and to make you jealous enough that (he hopes) your ego will set about trying to get him back off of the 'man-stealing b*tch', when ACTUALLY, she's his next victim and NEITHER of you should be touching him with a bargepole. Narcs either can't, or barely can, bond. They don't care enough. And frankly, NOTHING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH can mean more to them than their rotten ego. It's also yet another round of abuse if you have to co-parent with them. So in actual fact, someone up there is doing you a favour. He might start trying to hurt you by demanding custody time at a later date, though. Just keep doing (google) Grey/Gray Rock. "OH what am I saying he's clearly incapable of love and I've known that for years. I'm expecting way too much from him. Always did. That was half the problem. He could never meet my standards. " Yeah, you're going to be doing that a lot here and there for the next few weeks - missing his "good side", celebrating that his "bad side" is gone for-good. There ISN'T any good side. A good side would stop his Bad Side before it started on you and the kids - big-fat-innit. It's a good side ACT, or just how he is when 'fed'n and smug, everyone doing what he wants and not 'pricking his delusional bubble' of being The Big I Am (von Dweeb). His 'revenge' and 're-engagement' attempt (Hoover pt 1) is a stroke of luck for you! "Sorry ranting and raving." Haha, sorry to say but I really don't see any ranting. (shrug?) I just hear you telling him like he was/is/isn't/never was. Processing-out-loud - sure (v helpful to the readers) but,.... Maybe you're a bit rusty?? After all, you were mostly censored (on pain of punishment) and walking on eggshells (on pain of punishment) all those years, surely? Carry on tuning-up - keep going, no probs! "So there is a bit of resentment and bitter here." As it should be (normal, healthy healing). "Alright there is a huge amount of regret here and a strong desire to deck him." Wish I could watch. (Haha - and mark you out of 10 for that as well!) "Hope I've answered everything for you." Think so - don't know - too sweaty, aargh! Ask me again tomorrow! "Now you know I've a temper. Verbal not physical." Haha - No. I don't! Hahahahaha! I suppose it's all relative, isn't it. As in - I've had worse relatives hahaha. (Sorry - it's laugh or cry in this heat.) "You get some well earnt sleep. Right then I just showed you the nagging Mommy in me. " S'not nagging, either. (Jeez - were you accused of trying to burn others alive if you so much as lit a tealight?) "Now Ex Husband was never a fan of my bossy demeanour." You're not bossy. Meme: 'You call it Nagging. I call it, listen to what I f**ing said the first time.' 'He just didn't have enough balls to be my man!' Not - 'he just'. That TOO. He's not even wholly human (corrupt wiring/damaged brain/reared by wolves) so how's he supposed to be a man? "I don't know how you do this? As mentioned I did indeed read the other ladies experiences and it is still playing on my mind what I've read. Makes me dizzy. Does my head in." Which bits? PS: I dunno? I was just born like it. :) "Just reading it makes me spiral into a whole myriad of emotions. I honestly don't know what to say to Curly or Thea other than 'WE DESERVE BETTER!'." Say that then! What more do you NEED to say? :) Curly's outgoing, I'm sure she'll lead the proceedings. :)

Now follow moi for the happy bombshell :) https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13751/i-just-found-out-my-partner-is-in-another-relationship#jumptobottom You'll like this. It means, his 'new' squeeze would be FAR-far-far happier with YOU....

Hello, I'm having serious issues. I broke down in public today. He was seen by a neighbour checking our mailbox 24-48 hours ago. I heard noises all night last night and the dogs in the street were going off. No we don't have one. To be honest thought about getting an Alsatian but considered vet costs, food costs, big pooh, big teeth, more chores and training required. Little one would be afraid of it. I sat up as I was on edge. Kept hearing crushing leaves outside yet no wind. I remember checking my mobile around 3.40am and struggling on the sofa to keep my eyes open. I must have fallen asleep. The lights were still on. At 5am I awoke to no electricity. I phoned the service as soon as they opened at 8am. No outages in our area. All neighbours power on. Couldn't shower, make a cuppa, do laundry. You understand. More importantly all security camera's were off! I had to wait for the emergency truck to come out. It arrived at around 9.30am with 3 technicians. They told me not to touch nor try any appliance in case faulty. They came inside no evidence of a short. They went to find the meter box. It is shut metal with a lock on it. The left side only (lock being on right side door) was pulled until warped. Big enough gap for a hand to go in. Our power had not just been switched off but they suspected a gas had been used to burn our meter. They had to make arrangements to replace it which would take hours. We went to the local mall. I got the girls McDonalds. Never let on anything to them. Unfortunately, I must have looked very stressed as a complete stranger and a lovely woman came straight up to me and said 'dear are you alright?'. I broke down badly. Sobbing. Shaking. Wish I hadn't. Upset the girls. Older one I told her (and the woman) only that I was feeling ill. Lied. Little one just wanted her 'happy meal' irony. Didn't want big girl to know what was really going on so walked to and used an old public phone for Police. They stated no evidence of anything. No camera footage. No fingerprints. No proof that it was tampered with. I said the left side is warped out of shape. They said if the meter was faulty, old (the house is very old), then it could have exploded and burst. That would trip the switch to off. I don't know what to think anymore. The electricity company were spoken to by Police. They declined to confirm for certain that they suspected foul play considering the age of the house and electricity box. So here I sit at home. Girls fed & settled. I'm like a meerkat. Feel really nauseous. I admit I'm afraid. Too many bills yet to pay to waste money on a Hotel. Don't wish to disrupt the girls lives any further. Bigger one is nervous and suspect. Pray for us if you are the religious type. I'm more Spiritual. Losing faith fast in everything though.

Hold tight - be with you asap!

Heya! Practical first (your safety is paramount), Emotional second. So the court-worthy facts are as follows (plus questions): 1. You have a real, live, presuambly reputable, reliable, first-hand witness (neighbour) that he was breaking the Injunction (Exclusion Order) on your property only 24hrs earlier (checking the postbox). The neighbour doesn't even have to remember what the trespasser and injunction-breaker looks like because s/he knows him and his face well, already! PS: That may well have been to see whether there was anyone now living in the house with you. Alternatively, he was expecting something important and thought he'd get petty 12-year-old boy's revenge while he was there. (Meaning, the aftershave etc worked? But - what - you forget to start posting yourself letters to the fake lodger/guest?) 2. Undoubtedly, there must be at leasst one other neighbour who heard or were woken by the barking? Have you tried asking round? 3. It 'COULD be' a coincidence (hmmm) that between 3.40am and 4am the electricity went off. Begs the question - if it was him, how would he have told that you'd finally fallen asleep? Do you have your WhatsApp showing when you were last active? (Turn it off.) (And put a padlock on your front postbox so that he CAN'T from now on check it...well, not without creating noise in the quiet of the early a.m. and/or risking being seen vandalising your property - not to mention, behaving nothing LIKE would the owner of that house!) PS: It was a still, quiet night so you were BOUND to hear the crunching of leaves. NOTED. Note that and start watching the weather forecast. No need to WORRY, though, I'll explain below in 'Emotional'. 4. The fact that the CCTV cameras have no back-up power so cease recording during a power-cut. He'd obviously know that. (Talk to a security company, see if they can be modified/upgraded/swapped to have battery back-up. I did that...made an enquiry, explaining what was going on with SNex, obviously got taken pity on and gifted two, not brand-new but still current, top-of-the-range outdoor cameras (no flashing operational light - the silent-but-deadly dome-panoramics whereby you cannot-cannot tell if they're on/off or even remotely where they're looking)! Mine were purely mounted as convincing dummies. Worked beautifully.) 5. THAT he whom used to live there would know that, is somewhat compelling evidence (plus the injunction - he obviously would be the Prime Suspect!). When was the last time you saw your meter box intact? 6. That only YOUR supply was affected. 7. Emergency Truck of what? The original CCTV system installer? Was this emergency response part of a yearly charge or under product warranty? How new are the cameras? 8. WELL DONE FOR CALLING THE POLICE! It'll be on-record now. However, do you know, yet, why you didn't call the Police the minute you heard the dogs barking and the leaves crunching? Why you ignored your gut? 9. The external electricity meter box had been forced open at the hinge - just big enough to slip a grown, male hand in. Question: Is the metal bendable by human male hand or would he have had to have used something like a crowbar? Ask another Electrician to inspect it and give his opinion - in writing if he confirms he recognises that type of damage (You can bet they're used to this malarchy. As are plumbers.) 10. But let's not forget, there's this: "I said the left side is warped out of shape. They said if the meter was faulty, old (the house is very old), then it could have exploded and burst. That would trip the switch to off." ***But the electrician had already confirmed that the switch had NOT tripped***. Or was that one of the CCTV techicians? If this electrician was part of the camera technician crew, then all of this in the one report "if they please". But tell them first WHY you need that report. 10. Did you ask the senior technician to provide you with a written repair/service report, including that there was no sign of a short and that your power had not JUST been switched off but, they suspected, that a GAS was used to burn your meter? Do so. Then if anything like this were to happen again - it would then become admissable as damning, supportive evidence. __________________________________________________ Emotional: First thing - no need to worry - just to endure for a bit longer, but while hanging onto the fact there isn't all that much he can do because - think about it: It was a very PETTY thing to do. He does not want to do anything bigger than that puny little schoolboy, hassling-type prod or he'll be summonsed for that and breaking the injunction *TWICE*....*IN A ROW*. I know this sounds fruit-loopy but that's what I'm always trying to tell everyone - they ARE fruit-loopy! ...just, simply, a load of as-yet-un-admitted, mental hospital patients ("Narcissists - Hiding in plain sight' - google)....TO WIT: He - whether the result would be you knowing it was him or thinking it was an iffy stranger - is trying to scare you into needing to beg him BACK so that (he thinks you'll think) he can protect you. Excuse for a mo, me while I gaffaw quietly and privately in the corner... (You'll like this) There's a visual meme (in the style of an old painting) of Jesus stood outside someone's ancient wooden door, having just knoced. And the speech-bubbles read thus: Jesus: "Let me in!" Homeowner: "Why?" Jesus: "So I can save you!" Homeowner: "From what?" Jesus: "From what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me in". (It's not a pop at Jesus, it's a pop at Narcs who bloody think they're Jesus.) Soooooo thick and self-defeatist...This guy's Low-Functioning for-sure...Well, of course he is - doesn't have the brains to be clever enough at verbal manipulation, bar "doubling-down" (google), cannot handle frustration and having his "authoritah" challenged by his slave/minion, hence too quickly over-frustrates and resorts to his psychological fists in picking on your babies.... He is scraping the barrel as his default. If you can take the above-suggested remedial measures, then, - where can he go from here? You've changed your locks, he can't get in so.... If it achieves nothing (or worse than nothing), he'll get bored of it or HAVE to get bored of it because he needs another roof. And - re beginning to tell people - goes for generally: Start with your neighbours as they'll want to keep an eye out for him - either because "ooh, exciting", or they're worried for themselves, or don't want now-self-proven DROSS back, living in their neighbourhood, OR are simpply lovely and helpful (win/win/win/win). Local shopkeepers, too. Ask them to phone you if they spot him (he doesn't live there any more so has no business being in the area even if he WASN'T barred by injunction!). This will be a wonderful way to get to know and make friends with your neighbours and naturally become part of your community. You need a SMALL, SAFE, COSY world for a while. And your kids need to be taught how important one's community is for their welfare (google The Human Givens). Neighbours cross-babysit, doncha know... using the Button System. (And if there isn't one- START ONE!) Gal friend-neighbours also lend you their husbands to do bits of DIY for you (whereby you two sit chatting over coffee and biccies as he does the work LOL....but nice guys love helping out.) In other words: Learn, now, finally, to USE the help and alternatively resources that "them up there" have always had laid-out for you: other people. This is one of the life lessons that you needed to learn. No (wo)man is an island. Healthy Empaths LOVE rescuing and being a hero. No. 1 healthy-human fantasy, that is, being a hero. Did you know that? DELEGATE, WOMAN - DELEGATE! Like a boss. :) And plant your flag on what is now purely YOUR territory! It's life-changing. And incredibly convenient! "Unfortunately, I must have looked very stressed as a complete stranger and a lovely woman came straight up to me and said 'dear are you alright?'. I broke down badly. Sobbing. Shaking. Wish I hadn't. Upset the girls. Older one I told her (and the woman) only that I was feeling ill. Lied." That was incredibly sensitive and diplomatic of her! "Little one just wanted her 'happy meal' irony." Well if it works on her?... Did you have one (afterwards obviously)? "Didn't want big girl to know what was really going on so walked to and used an old public phone for Police. They stated no evidence of anything. No camera footage. No fingerprints. No proof that it was tampered with. I said the left side is warped out of shape. They said if the meter was faulty, old (the house is very old), then it could have exploded and burst. That would trip the switch to off." Ah, yes - this again: Didn't you tell them that the electrician had already told you that the switch had NOT been tripped to off? "I don't know what to think anymore. The electricity company were spoken to by Police. They declined to confirm for certain that they suspected foul play considering the age of the house and electricity box." WHO declined to confirm? "So here I sit at home. Girls fed & settled. I'm like a meerkat. Feel really nauseous. I admit I'm afraid. Too many bills yet to pay to waste money on a Hotel. Don't wish to disrupt the girls lives any further. Bigger one is nervous and suspect. ((is suspicious?))." "Pray for us if you are the religious type. I'm more Spiritual. Losing faith fast in everything though." Nah. Not necessary. Did you ever run a long-distance race on the school track - or swimming or anything involving laps?

In fact, when you tell the neighbours what's what, I'd also ask them if perhaps they know of any students or young adults wanting lodgings? It'll be worth it for that peace of mind. And the much-needed money. And adult company. Is that doable? Even if not - overall, this incident could be a blessing-in-disguise....having his lemons AUTOMATICALLY turned into Lemonade FOR you and the kiddies. If not - what ABOUT the inflateable car-passenger? Otherwise, just take comfort in the fact that, if you seem not to be reacting, he'll soon get bored. He might take longer than a grown adult, of course (or might not if he's meanwhile rushing a new fauxlationship?). But he will. Grey Rock is just as popular as No Contact because it works. I reckon this means he's found alternative supply, feels safer and cockier to try to make you ASK him back. Your Last Chance, if you like. Because obviously, with that injunction - he can't get near enough to talk or interact with you. Trying to frighten you back. Isn't it ridiculous? But, that way, he wouldn't have to make himself vulnerable, apologise, promise to get help, etc., promise equality, ...basically beg to come back (...until the next time). Here's another opportunity: some neighbours - or their friends/relatives - don't have enough parking outside their own houses. So you could also ask if any of them need to rent a parking spot (if you have one and links to bus-stops/train-stations for the commuters? I'd go door-to-door for a few days, and take the kids with you. You never know, you might asked in for coffee while your kids get to play with theirs. Are you feeling a bit calmer? If not - I know a cure for that: Taking action. Taking action stops you feeling powerless (which you're not anyway).

PS: If ever faced with the opportunity, aka forced, to put one of his flying monkeys straight - try this (only verbal, not written, and only if you're sure you're not being taped): "Funny, isn't it.... According to him, I'm a terrible wife ....and yet he cannot seem to stay away. You'd think he'd want to get as far away from me as possible, surely? (That'd get them thinking....Nice and vague, look... Never know, it might secretly get back to his new victim. And it's the Flying Monkey's word against yours.) PPS: Next time you hear noises like that - and if you have one or can borrow one from someone for a few weeks - you might want to set up your ipad at whichever window to record the front so that if the cameras go off while you're asleep, you've got it as back-up. So did the (presume it was the electricity company's) electrician fix the meter-box's hinges and gap?

Dear Soulmate, Manalone & anybody else out there who may have been reading. I have been super grateful to this forum for allowing me to vent and share. Peoplesproblems has given myself the opportunity to open up to strangers and seek helpful advice. Literally a caring shoulder to cry on. To be honest I am however feeling a bit wary and anxious about sharing so much of my private life on a public forum. Today we three were informed that we were exposed to COVID and need to rest and watch for symptoms. I'm honestly feeling very burnt out. I worry that I'll miss messages here and appear in appreciative. I feel a bit under pressure to engage. Instead of planning our future and putting matters into action I find that I'm staying up late and spending much time on my computer. This forum has been very supportive and this message is about me and in no way about anyone else. For the time being I've decided to leave chatting. I realised today that I'm not focusing enough on my girls. I'm really concerned about how these big changes in their lives must be impacting upon them. I know it has been a negative experience for them yet I've been selfish and feel positive to be rid of him. Far too grown up and adult for them to possibly understand. My bigger girl made me sit up and take notice this afternoon. She was telling me something about her feelings and I admit that I wasn't as switched on as I should have been. I'm sure I was nodding but to be honest I wasn't absorbing. She bought this to my attention when she said 'Mommy you've yawned three times and you aren't really listening to me'. I've dragged them out of their beds and run away at 11pm at night to safe houses which were bloody awful. They missed school/day care. They missed their friends. They missed their toys. Hell for all I know they may be missing their Father. Not his temper but surely some aspects of him. The littlest girl asked yesterday about her Grandpa. My Step Father. She wants to tell him something. Once again I dismissed it. Ignored her. Putting my want of distance from him before her emotional needs. I've implemented safety strategies. I've changed locks. I've talked to neighbours. I've asked the Police to cruise by often and they promised they would. I bought better security cameras today. I've written a course of action plan for our future. I just need a bit more time and a lot more money. We'll get there. I have hope of a better life and future for we three. NEVER FEAR! Hell will freeze over before I ever take that son of a bitch back. He stole many years from me. I won't allow him to take another second. When I put my garbage on the curb I want it taken away for good! I may come back here a bit down the track to tell you how things have panned out. Hope I'd be welcome. In the meantime please take care and don't melt in the heat waves. I actually saw a comet/meteor tonight! A ball of flame with a streaking tale went quickly across the sky and rather low. They are talking about it on the news. The weather and seasons have gone haywire. Some are saying bad omen. However, I'm going to take the other outlook. I saw what few people noticed. Comets rarely come so close to the Earth that we can see them. I was alone at the time and experienced something rare & unique. I just happened to look up for stars wondering what the weather will be like tomorrow. At that very moment for just a few seconds I glimpsed something people rarely see. No I hadn't been drinking at all. It was just magical. Here's a laugh coming...I was feeling all aglow after it when my neighbour yelled out from across the street 'did you see the space junk go over?'. He then said 'it wasn't a comet, junk is what they're calling it. Well at least it didn't hit!' Space junk or not it was cool to see. I prefer to think of it as a symbol of good luck, bringing positive change that will fulfil my desires. NOW I think I should take that drink. Decided to go with my own theory. My space junk burnt up in just a couple of hours as did my electricity meter at the hands of human junk. May he now disappear! I'm not so blue thanks to you.

Heya! Bumping you up - probably won't be able to post until Sunday at this rate, though so please bear with?

Hey-hey! Sorry I've been so long!... "I have been super grateful to this forum for allowing me to vent and share. Peoplesproblems has given myself the opportunity to open up to strangers and seek helpful advice. Literally a caring shoulder to cry on. To be honest I am however feeling a bit wary and anxious about sharing so much of my private life on a public forum. " Ahhh, thanks, matey; we try to do our best with limited resources. :x Well, you don't need worry about the latter because, I repeat: you're a bosonic needle in a planet-sized haystack on here; totally anonymous, plus with a story that isn't at all unique. "Today we three were informed that we were exposed to COVID and need to rest and watch for symptoms." Fingers crossed you haven't caught it! (And same to me, bug-wise, cos I'm not feeling too clever today, either...a bit flat, nauseous and "high note"-headachey, had to cancel tonight's plans.) "I'm honestly feeling very burnt out. I worry that I'll miss messages here and appear in appreciative. I feel a bit under pressure to engage. Instead of planning our future and putting matters into action I find that I'm staying up late and spending much time on my computer. This forum has been very supportive and this message is about me and in no way about anyone else." I expect you are, yes - how could you not!... Rest assured, it's a standard part of the experience and process. There's no pressure from this end, though, so don't worry on that score. Look at Lily and ABCD - she only posts once a month on average, and he posts once per fortnight or so. The frequency is completely up to you (and it's not like we're Insta-Answerers, putting it mildly!). But I get your guilt re your daughters... Saying that - it's not Selfishness, anyway, so please don't bother beating yourself up for nothing with negative labels. Remember the plane emergency advice: own oxygen mask on first, *before* helping others on with theirs. Your urge to spend time here was just sensible, instinctual self-care, making sure Mummy, the captain whose ship those two are aboard, is seaworthy. No need, therefore, to feel selfish just because you're not used to having had to put yourself first. FY Future I, it's just Maternal Instinct in combo with Self-Preservationism kicking-up a few gears now that you're solo. :) The trick (next time) is just, finding a balance...which will come naturally as you adjust. Tsk! Course you'd be welcome - don't be daft. :) Haha, liking the junk analogy! Anyhoo - now to deadly seriousness, with your girls first and foremost in-mind: "The littlest girl asked yesterday about her Grandpa. My Step Father. She wants to tell him something. Once again I dismissed it. Ignored her. Putting my want of distance from him before her emotional needs." Even if it's the last thing you read - please click the below link, and keep it handy. If you're going to be hanging out with Strepdud again, the article it takes you to is imperative. Also, although I don't think you're the type that ever would - I just have to say it anyway: Please don't ever leave her alone with him, nor, obviously, your littlest. And even if you're always there - stay vigilant and watch out for Word Salad and other verbal manipulation tactics, plus upside-down, back-to-front world views and opinions. *Remember, he's NOT their Grandfather, he's just some bloke your late mother married*. As such, he wouldn't come with the necessary grand-paternal programming, including Taboos, where your daughters are concerned (as well as you). And he's already proved this: he refused to rescue you and your daughters that night, risking their safety in the process. But, if that wasn't bad enough - the guy's patently a Covert Narc, and they have too few boundaries/taboos to begin with. Also bear in mind: if even fully-developed *adult* brains have trouble with Covert Narcissism, then - imagine what it can do to childrens'! (Basically - break them, and...cue new narcs) : ************************************************************************************** https://www.divorcestrategiesnw.com/2020/06/boundaries-with-narcissistic-grandparents/ ************************************************************************************** PS: It covers far more than Boundaries. Excellent article for one in your position. Finally: fyi, you CAN just type one sentance within every 90 day period to keep your thread open and active?...save you from having to start over. If you do have to start a new thread, just copy and paste in the link to this one in your opening post. Bye for now/a bit(?), then. :) PS: "I'm not so blue thanks to you." Heheh....in that case, I'll have keep my eyes peeled for a poster named, Pink_on_Pink, yeh? :D PPS: You're going to be fine and then ongoingly finer - I can tell - and I should know. :))) No worries...