How do I talk to my wife about her hygiene without starting a fight?

I am struggling to find loving way to talk to my wife about her hygiene. Over the past couple of years (really since our second kid was born about 3 years ago) I've noticed my wife has been neglecting her hygiene. In the beginning of our relationship when we were in high school, we were both very involved in athletics and so would need to shower daily just to keep up, but then once we got into college I noticed she would only shower about once every other day. She explained to me that it is better for her skin and her hair to not shower everyday (she wasn't involved in athletics in college either), and there wasn't any smell or other issue from her not showering daily, so I took her word for it and didn't think anything of it for the next 10 years or so. Now here we are in 2024 and she showers maybe twice a week, some weeks only once. Now there is an obvious BO smell most days that is very distracting, especially when we have sex. I also don't know how vaginal hygiene works since I am a man, but she might also be neglecting her hygiene there as well because the smell is quite strong some days (more so the days before she takes a shower). As far as any vaginal smells I never noticed any smell at all unless there was foreplay, but now I can smell it even when we kiss. I love my wife and want what is best for her and her health, but I just don't know how to bring this up. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression after the second child was born, and I think that is definitely a contributing factor. In any case, to-date she hasn't been able to take criticism of any kind without crying and/or screaming in those 3 years; there have been a handful of times when I will bring up a concern and she ends up so mad she just leaves the house for hours at a time, and one time she took all my clothing and threw it out the front door. And another time she started packing a bag for her and our kids and the only thing stopping her from leaving was me refusing to move out of the doorway to their bedroom. And in each of those cases I thought the conflict leading to the fight was minor. Certainly nothing that should reasonably warrant those kinds of reactions, such as me admitting to cheating or abusing her or our kids (which have never happened). I'm not afraid of a fight, whether verbal or physical, but I'm worried given her past ability to deal with criticism that this might push her over some edge and it will be damaging for her mentally and/or lead to her leaving for more than a couple of hours, or lead to her becoming violent and trying to force me to leave. My biggest fear, and I truly don't think this is outside the realm of possibility, is her packing our kids up and leaving me when I bring this up.

Hi MyOnlineName (haha! - clever-clogs!), Ooh...! Tricky one.... Shouldn't have to, to begin with, though, should you. She is right, though, about not constantly washing-off your natural skin and scalp oils, though. But only technically because if she pongs, she's clearly taking it too far (funny how that works). Ask her what her font of knowledge says about not ponging and what ponging is (an alarm system that you need to wash or shall be vulnerable to alien infiltration (bacteria and virusus)). So EITHER she has summat up, physically, OR she is NOT, like she says,, washing every two days because even that, say the purists, is too often and just pandering to the media-advertising brainwashing (use this washing product or be a socially shunned Loser!), and is certainly not normally long enough to start ponging. (This had occured to you, surely?) Does she often have to over-exaggerate to prove herself right? And does proving herself right always tend to be at your expense (this case, discomfort)? ...You mean like - How do I tell someone their wife is behaving like a selfish, over-dominant, thoughtless, inconsiderate, spoiled-baby cow?...that kind of How to say? ;) The answer clearly is a letter, then, isn't it. Run it past us if you like (dress-rehearsal)? But - I am sorry! - there is no excuse for not showing/bathing before and because you're about to have sex with your partner. That, to me, just ¡passive-aggressively (or is it deliberate but Covert??) spells this: I'd prefer you not to want to have sex with me any more but I'd like you to be convinced it waas all your choice and your unreasonableness. Seriously, mate, this in a divorce would come under Unreasonable Behaviour. Because you've already tried very conscientiously to tell her and she's basically put up two fingers (by manipulating the truth about not washing *too* much thus distracting you from the truth which is about NOT BEING ANTISOCIAL EVEN IN A SOCIETY-ETTE OF TWO, ESPECIALLY NOT WITH YOUR NUMERO UNO) (scuse-me...urrrp!...they give me gas). Sorry - (not reading ahead) - WHAT can you smell even when you kiss?? I'm going to paste in now, save me scrolling up and down (she's thrown even me, that loss-of-efficiency means!)... "She was diagnosed with post-partum depression after the second child was born, and I think that is definitely a contributing factor." How old is your second child now? Surely she was TREATED and cured or still is in that process? "In any case, to-date she hasn't been able to take criticism of any kind without crying and/or screaming in those 3 years;" How interesting. Sounds like a classic Narc 'wife' move. (Maybe she did have post-partum and it triggered her to cease pretending to give a shite and make the relationship effort?? That can happen. Or maybe as soon as there were TWO babies as hooks, she felt safe enough for her liking to finally let it all hang out and really show her arse? Need more data...I'll shut up and just read...) "there have been a handful of times when I will bring up a concern and she ends up so mad she just leaves the house for hours at a time," (Aggressively domineering Railroading/Stonewalling - TICK!) (Out-of-kilter with situation aka seriously OTT reaction - TICK!) "and one time she took all my clothing and threw it out the front door." (Unless you threw hers out first - who does she think she is!? - TICK!) "And another time" So many times, look! (TICK!) " she started packing a bag for her and our kids" (Involving the kids as emotional blackmail/leverage - TICK!) Woah, she fights dirty, doesn't she. "and the only thing stopping her from leaving was me refusing to move out of the doorway to their bedroom." Yeah. Aim-Fire-Bullseye. She LET you stop her. Because the fact you're still in an (now palpably/overtly) abusive marriage is now (or when next you rightfully complain) all and only YOUR choice thus YOUR fault so her can't blame HER. I don't like her. REALLY don't like her. (Get her away from those poor kids as much as possible...traumatising them like that (threatening their whole world!) for nothing but getting her own way and keeping unearned, unqualified dominance and Power Over, when dominance and power shouldn't even feature - marriage is a legally-biding vow of EQUAL/EQUITOUS PARTNERSHIP!) - TICK!, TICK!, TICK!, and MEGA-BOTTOM-LINE-TICK! She's a CHILD. And not a nice one. And this is no longer a marriage (or that pretend marriage). She's dis-GUSTING! Literally in her case. Narcissistic - absolutely - but mixed with anti-socialness in both senses (unbelievably disgusting habits as well as denying social and legal rules). FYI, my Narc-Spath Ex tried that one. Failed as usual but I did a LOT of constant fending off/blocking/reasserting/outfoxing....YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO IN A MARRIAGE OR ANY HUMAN-HUMAN RELATIONSHIP. (If only these WERE or always HAD been a Relationship.) She is treating you with OUTRIGHT CONTEMPT. (TICK!) Whatever the etiology - she has clearly (surely you can see it?) dropped her act and now battering you with injustice, illogic, lies, THE KIDS!...and now OFFENDING YOU PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY (TICK, TICK!!). What's going to be next from Snow Shite, then? "And in each of those cases I thought the conflict leading to the fight was minor." Because it was. Because Swat Narcs Do. Create an argument to keep you down and exhausted (and Walking On Eggshells, etc, etc.) and/or to have the excuse to bog-off for as long as they want to their secret lover's (other Slave's) house. (Sorry if I'm correct....) (...Back to - WHAT did you smell even on her breath?) " Certainly nothing that should reasonably warrant those kinds of reactions," Correct. " such as me admitting to cheating or abusing her or our kids (which have never happened)." PROJECTION and DISTRACTION! Oh ffs.... (TiCK!, TICK!) SORRY, REALLY SORRY. She's cheating/trying to cheat. That's why. Ask yourself: Doesn't it just FIT? NOTHING is off-limits/sacrilegious to a Narcissistic Spath (and there's no diff between (er) females and (er) males save for one: the latter want to impregnate and abandon anything that moves while the female ('...of the species is more deadly than the male') doesn't like kids but uses them as hooks and meal-tickets (if you spit them out you have to pay them spousal maintenance, innit). Seriously, I'm so sorry to deliver that bombshell. But I'm here to catch you, not going anywhere. Roger - Over?

Oh wait - I missed the last bit! "I'm not afraid of a fight, whether verbal or physical," Good. Won't need the physical though. " but I'm worried given her past ability to deal with criticism that this might push her over some edge and it will be damaging for her mentally" What do you mean damaging - she's ALREADY damaged and finally feels she's 'got you trapped' enough to start showing her true colours! Sorry, but Post-Partum isn't another word for Giant, Offensive, Sadistic, UNEMPATHETIC (forgot that one - TICK!) even towards her own babies (including - they've got noses, haven't they?) (TICK!)....A*SEHOLE BULLY BITCH COW THING. (Moot point) If THAT had stomped down the aisle at you - would you still have said "I will?" PFF. I doubt that VERY much. (There is relaxing some and then there is going from Princess to outright, unrecognisable, unfathom-able Monster.) " and/or lead to her leaving for more than a couple of hours," Oh, she DOES actually leave! Yep.... (Where does she say (lie) she goes?) And Google "Malignant Narcissist - Silent Treatment". (MEGA-TICK!) "or lead to her becoming violent" CASE CLOSED TYPE TICK! (I wondered why you said 'or physical'). "and trying to force me to leave." WELL DOOONE, YOOOU! Heyyy....you're no-one's Victim, are you? Kudos. " My biggest fear," Yeah, they're good at inculcating and nurturing those. Trust me - there IS no fear in this case except for fear itself. "and I truly don't think this is outside the realm of possibility, is her packing our kids up and leaving me when I bring this up." Urgently get thy bottom to a Family Law solicitor (they know abouts Narcs/Narc-Spaths and Narc-Psychos nowadays, thanks to the boring lockdowns) - to have this fear PRE-LOGGED and dated on what (when you say Go-Go-Go) your Nex2B otherwise would try to accuse you of. DO NOT give her a clue of what's going on, though. Don't even THINK about it when in her presence (deadly serious here), they have predator senses. As far as SHE is concerned, it's business as usual for you, nothing to see here, folks, tum-tee-tum....and delete your visiting history to here each time (and check your gadgets). Roger - Over. Tell me to slow down if I'm going too fast too soon for you. There's so much to say and explain, that's the trouble. ('The Devil is in the detail', innit...theirs..... google "Malignant Covert Narcissist - death by a thousand papercuts"). (I promise you're going to either be fine or better than fine - you have it here in writing. You just have a thornbush to hack a path through, that's all. And you're already so tired from being battered (and worried for the kids) for so long - I know.... No rush, though. Just a few urgent preparations. We'll get to that - IF you want.)

Just to be clearer - scrap the letter idea. This is not a regular human being, it won't work, it'll backfire.

PS: she's using her past Post-Natal Depression (if even that was true at the time or just the Set-Up for the eventual Sting?) as her unfair, underhanded defence shield. Hmm...wasting Public Services/Resources as well, look. Solicitor will be very interested in that for what it (along with everything else) too-heavily indicates as well. Bullies rely on your silence...keeping everything behind closed doors. Tell on her, tell a solicitor (or three and then choose whomever you click best with?). MIND YOU...we have this here record - legitimate as compelling evidence due to non-editing capability (we thyank hyou...*curtesys/bows*). But you need to hear what a solicitor has to tell and explain to you! THEY KNOW. They always knew. They just didn't have the lingo for it. DO NOW. She's going down. (Or is that BACK down since she's now degenerated into behaving like a total Jerry Springer type of Chav?) I somehow can't shut-up. Another symptom (TICK!). I would need to know if she's 'straight' Covert or Covert-Vulnerable or NSpath coming out of long-con Covert mode, though, in order to tailor the overall plan of defence-by-attack (or even just reactive self-defence if you daren't make any proactive moves just yet). (Oh, yes - google Narc Victim - Reactive Defence). Your poor kiddies... They'll be alright with you in their life, though. Thank God they have you. (TWO NPD parents and you're done for! One, what I call, Dad-Mum and you're fine and can turn the lemons into deluxe lemonade, make it work FOR you (all) ('cept her) (ugh).