How to deal with break up of 4+ years & coping with being friends

For context, my recent partner of almost 5 years broke up with me back in the summer. This has been the second hardest thing I've dealt with the past year. He ended the relationship after we took a 1 month break that I offered as he came to me & told me he felt disconnected from me, wasn't sure what he needed & he needed some time to focus on himself. I will try to break it apart in a timeline. May- he came to me and asked to talk. He told me felt disconnected from me & that he wasn't sure he was in a place for a relationship anymore & he never said anything cause he said I was still special to him. He's been dealing with health issues on top of work, where he decided to take time from work to recover. This was shocking for me, as there was never a lack of affection from him & every month we celebrated our anniversaries & we've communicated before, at least on my end when I always came to him about my concerns. I always expected him to come to me before it became an issue as he promised me he would & he was aware of my past trauma with my abuser & how important being honest with me is, as people almost pretending or forcing themselves around me for my sake is triggering for me & makes me question my self worth. We took a month break as he told me he wasn't sure what he needed & that I was still special me, & looking back I'm unsure if I should've offered that break, as in the moment I wasn''t in a right mind & wanted to be understanding & didn't want to end the relationship & wanted to give him time. June- He broke up with me by admitting he was struggling with keeping up with everything in his life & that there was a part of him that wasn't sure he was in a place for a relationship. The biggest bombshell that devastated me was when he told me he felt disconnect & doubts about me for more than half a year. He told me he felt lonely when he was struggling & felt I wasn't around as much but that he never blamed me as I was dealing with my best friend's passing from cancer & I thought I was coping well, but in reality was running from the pain & I didn't realize how much he was struggling, as he also admitted he has a bad habit of not being as open & that he refuses help from people as he thought the feeling would go away if he got better & that he could handle it by himself. I was very heartbroken as I couldn't understand why if he felt disconnect from me why he didn't come to me before it became an issue as I always made sure he felt loved & we always celebrated things together. If he shared with me he needed my company more, I would've dropped everything & made sure he felt like I was there, as during that time period it's not like he was being cold, he always told me how much he loved me & that he even wanted to marry me. Looking back, there were time he seemed off but he usually did get distant when he wasn't feeling well so nothing changed of his behavior for me to have asked if something was going on because I would have. This was a huge deal to me as he was my first partner after my abuser & in the beginning I had to learn to feel safe & always asked him if we were okay, and he always reassured me if smth was going on, he would tell me and I always trusted him, so to learn he felt doubts for almost a year was heartbreaking and a major trust broken for me. He told me he still wanted me in his life as a friend for now & that he didn't think he could be a healthy partner, nor know when he'd be ready for our relationship. I did agree to be friends in a long message explaining how I was grateful for our time and told him how I felt upset. He did say to me he still loved me but that the feelings were not as strong anymore. July: I was letting my emotions & felt like I wasn't given enough closure as the break up conversation was not long and was a little short and I still had resentment and I did not want to allow it to fester and impact our fragile friendship. I asked him when would be a good time to talk, & the first time I asked he said he wanted to give me closure but that he wasn't in a good mindset which I understood & I told him to come to me when he is ready. September: A month passed & there was no closure talk. I was dealing with more anger & felt placed to the side as he told me he didn't have much energy to even hang or cancelled on me and never rescheduled or told me he wasn't ready for the closure talk yet, but then I saw him always doing things with other friends & that made me feel upset. I came to him again about it, and it got put off another week as he said he was busy hanging with a friend and I wasn't forcing him to talk, but I expressed to him how important it was for me to have the talk when we could. A week later: We talked & he explained his mindset during those months, saying he knew it was wrong to not communicate with me & that he didn't want to put any more stress on me while I was coping with my friend's death & outside problems & that he kept putting off coming to me & waited for a better time to talk & he broke under the pressure. I explained to him how hurt I felt & how much it affected me not being communicated with all those months and being told all these promises then the shock of learning he felt less love for me all that time. He told me he wasn't intentionally lying to me & that he wrote off his doubts as just irrational thoughts due to his depression & anxiety. He told me he regretted how the break up was handled & that he regretted allowing things to get to the point how it ended & that he knew putting off communicating was the last thing I wanted & that he knew I would've listened, that it was his self sabotage behind it all where he neglected his own needs in favor of mine & he knew it was wrong for him to not open up. I asked him if he was open to a relationship in the future & he told me that he was sorry but that for now, he did not have any feelings & that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me and told me he wasn't sure if he'd be open to another relationship in general & that he doesn't regret our relationship, that I was the best partner he had & that he would hate to lose me due to his mistakes. The present, I do not hold much resentment towards him anymore & I don't deal with any anxiety/paranoia after we talked. He was the best partner I've ever had & he showed me that someone could love me after my abuser, as of now I'm dealing with the heartbreak since I do still have feelings for me. We were best friends for years before we dated, so we had a strong friendship before this. Now, I find myself that I still go all out for him, despite him not doing the same for me. He only responds back when I message & we do still hang out, but I feel I am not being given the same respect as he is for others. I told him before that I want to be reached out more/taken intiative for things if he still really want me in his life as friend and he said he would. He keeps going out for other people by asking to hang, yet I'm never asked to hang & I feel as thought he wouldn't ask if I never did & he only messages me to check up on me if I ask him how he is, or if I'm not talkative due to being busy for a few days. I do believe he cares for me, but I;ve had a few friends tell me that I've been more understanding & patience with him. For example, our hang out got interuppted once when his friend needed to talk where it wasn't an emergecny, and he dropped everything for this friend, yet one night when I was dealing with smth hard & no one else was around, I asked him if he was busy & he told me he couldn't do anything since he was busy with this same friend, yet I just keep getting told that I still matter to him & he enjoys my presence, but I'm not being as considered as I feel like I consider him. It just sucks as I've never had anyone fight for me and I don't want him out my life and we respect each other boundaries and we do not talk romantically anymore, but sometimes I feel as thought he's not showing me he really wants me in his life still, as I go out my way to be understanding and patient with him that I feel others would not be giving him much grace. He is an avoidant, although a lot of time he just isn't aware & doesn't mean to hurt me. I wouldn't force anything between us & I can accept he doesn't love me anymore. I just hate how some days I feel like I need his attention & go out my way yet he doesn't for me & then I'll see him do all these things for others. I know I need to step back and consider if I'm hurting more in this friendship or not after everything that's happened between us. I don't know if I could cut him out my life as he's been with me through the hardest things in my life & he was the only person that supported me when I was with my abuser as I barely had anyone in my abusive situation and he was there for me and helped me grow.

Hey Sunlight, Most of us here have been in your situation. Question: What are your ages? I suspect he's still fairly young? (Either that or incredibly immature and self-interested.) But still. If you stand back you'll see that he's been lying and breaking promises (3 x Red Flags - google "Narc Boyfriend - Pathological Lying" and "- Future Faking" and "- Gaslighting"). Prime example - to always be forthcoming with honest feelings) from the get-go - all under pathetic excuses (that's the Gaslighting)....Mouth insists on one thing while his actions either immediately or simultanrously are cancelling it out....on literally every score. Leaving you TORN ("but he says he still loves me") (sez-sez-sez!). And now you've hit the degenerative and humiliating-for-you point where he's constantly putting other people ahead of you in the queue, pushing you further back or just keeping you where you stand, never hitting the front (seeing it?). AND you're the only one doing any running or lifting any fingers. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. :( He clearly isn't interested in making any time for you - except for whenever YOU indicate you're not happy about it/other things...and even then he's just giving you verbals, rather than reassuring actions, such as, in-person meet-ups or even phone opportunities for much-needed long conversations (that aren't just more lies, minimisations and ouright "denials that the Sky's Blue" (Red Flag). In other words, we have Gaslighting over the bigger picture AND over all the associated minutae. If, as you do recognise, the evidence all points to the fact he doesn't want a romance with you but SAYS he wants to revert to friends or HINTS he might want to start up again in-future, "maybe/don't know", YET makes no moves in that direction unless, as above, he really, really has to, then - *****nd this is what's confusing you, keeping you torn "Victim of Narc - Cognitive Dissonance" and stopping you from ending this humiliation - then, YES, INDEED! - why on earth is he keeping a grip on your sleeve whilst you, on the other hand, not having as long arms as him, cannot get the slightest grip on his (again, until you make 'I'm not happy with this situation' noises, indicating you could call it quits and he lose his convenient back-up option). It's called Keeping You Warm On The Side (as back-up - in-case). Keeping you open and available as an option. This, however, means YOU can't grieve him out nor move on. What a selfish, heartless git. And if he DID "love you" then where's the Love In Memoriam, eh? Seemingly nowhere, curiously. Say it with me: 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner!' (- film, Dirty Dancing). I super-strongly suspect you hadn't taken - hadn't KNOWN to take enough time to grieve and get over your abusive relationship. Those are more (or entirely) Domestic Cons/Crimes than relationships, so take FAR longer than a, comparitively-speaking - mere - relationship break-up with a healthily reared and programmed partner. How long did that total sham run for and what was the length of time between it being (properly) over and meeting then becoming romantic-sexual with this one? The other reason (if you did take longer) would have been because - they don't all feel and present the same. You might have gone from Mainly Overt to Deeply Covert (harder to spot). He certainly is ACTING like a Covert. These are the sayings associated with that type (google them): Death by a Thousand Papercuts. 'You don't see (meaning, "behind the mask") a Covert coming but you certainly see them GOING. And if one doesn't take ample time to 'de-slime' or thinks they're back to fine because this one feels NOTHING LIKE the last abusive Narc - "Narcs come in threes" (malignant/abusive ones, certainly). Thoughts? Stick with us, kiddo, and you'll be fine. You sound FAR too good for him - real, quality person. :)

Sorry - forgot another: "Covert Narc boyfriend - Throwing Crumbs".

On the bright side - he was a crutch when you needed one, and no doubt will prove to have been an important stepping-stone.

Here you go, Sunny - I've copied this over from Fantasyallure's thread called 'Is this love bombing or moving too fast' (which is still visible on the board). Ignore the bits that don't relate to your situation, but, the primary common dominator is: pathetic excuses for why mouth says one thing, feet and hands do the other, aka, Actions, Actions, Actions - "Don't tell me - SHOW ME!" (- Eliza Doolittle in the ace film, My Fair Lady...soon as she gets her self-pride back, she makes MINCEMEAT out of him, to coin a phase (i.e. not literally hahaha, tempting through it probably was)... _________________________________________________________________ Here you go ((my double brackets)): https://thoughtcatalog.com/katerina/2024/07/why-high-quality-men-hate-cool-girl-pickmes-and-love-crazy-mean-women/ "Men love and get obsessed with so-called “mean” otherwise known as assertive women and high quality men are especially attracted to these women. Low quality men take advantage of the “nice girls.” ((I agree with this next para, but advise you *turn the writer's dial down a notch; one can be suitably hard-to-get without hurting them whereby they store-up resentment toward you for later.)) "You may think being a pick-me woman and being overly nice and spoiling a man will win him over, but the truth is that men in general whether high quality or low quality get addicted to chasing women who reject them ((*resist them, actually)). They want validation and approval from the woman who doesn’t give this to them that easily." ((They want the woman they fancy like crazy but whom they have to work hard for.)) ((Let's just repeat that:)) They want validation and approval from the woman who doesn’t give this to them that easily. ((Healthy men love hard work; lazy and over-entitled gits who fancy themselves as Players, want it all on a plate, for-free, so get PUT OFF by women with high standards and expectations (thankfully!).)) "Deep down they get turned on by a woman with high standards, airtight boundaries, and a woman who doesn’t think they’re shit." ((Read that again, too; even if you don't think you're shit, they'll (mis-)interpret your 'male'-grade confidence/swagger and sense of liberty as 'lowering yourself', ANYWAY. ...Well, they will if they're Dinosaurs with "issues" with women.)) "They get a h*rd-on for a woman who is hard to please. They may complain about these women and deny it with fury all they want, but all you have to do is observe how they exploit and use the women who bend over backwards for them and bend the knee for the women who put them in their place." ((Read again)) "These women value themselves, take pride in themselves, and never sacrifice their self-respect settling for crumbs." ((Analogy: Just because it's going to be a never-to-be-repeated, spontaneous, one-off - or even week-/fortnight-long - set of visits (e.g. holiday stay) to a certain restaurant - that doesn't mean you shouldn't expect to be allowed to order the Lobster like any of the local Regulars, as opposed to stale Crackers. "Innit" ;))) "Toxic men especially take for granted the women who care about them because they believe you’ll always be around; they pursue and compete for the women who date other men and laugh in their faces ((metaphorically-speaking)). If you don’t believe me, look at any chat history of a man you have ever ignored – they’ll be double texting and triple texting you trying to regain your attention and fearing that you’ve moved on. This isn’t to say you should be actually mean to anyone – it’s just to remind you that you need to stop wasting all that effort centering men." ((Be a tough nut to crack; admit it: they're the nuts we all of us enjoy munching the most!)) "Don’t spoil him, don’t talk to him, and don’t entertain him unless he’s benefiting you. Be authentically so “into” your life that you are no longer into any man who doesn’t go out of his way to please you." ((By healing whilst getting used to literally LOVING BEING SINGLE.)) "Chances are, he’s busy chasing a woman who gives no f*cks. Now get busy chasing your dream life and only settle for a dream partner who will treat you right." ((Yeah, not, one that appears to be doing the keen-as-mustard act then suddenly, oddly, illogically, making a huge departure from the already-set 'routine', by Withdrawing His Affection & Attention, and, when you pull him up on it, tries to distract you, disarm you of your rightful anger (although FYI 'royal' indignation and "Ew" - disapproval - is more potently Queenly than 'Why you being meeean to meeee' or 'Rarr-rarr-rarr, take that!') - by wasting no time in getting you to (wait for it).... FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! AND FEEL THAT IF YOU WERE TO CONTINUE PURSUING YOUR CONFRONTATIONAL CASE, IN LIGHT OF THIS "NEWSFLASH", IT'D MAKE YOU A DOWNRIGHT *HEARTLESS COW*. An' ya don't wanna be one 'o THOSE, do ya. Nobody does. So you instantly stop. Instantly let them off. And feel guilty for having started giving them a hard time when they (allegedly) were purely and simply on the floor. (Oh were they? Whose floor. :p. Where was the preventative text to say, Sorry, not ignoring you, gimmie a few days' grace because...?) And so give them soothing verbals instead. Meaning, they completely avoid the consequence(s) of their shoddy treatment of you and even get extra, unearned TLC into the bargain. Whilst you have "your expectations (google) Managed Down". And-And-AND... PURE Emotional Manipulaton at its worst. He now has Power over you, where that has NO place in any personal relationship because no friend or lover is your pigging boss/keeper, meaning, any relationship is now doomed anyway (but they don't care) - by having shown you that he can take you or leave you so you'd better try harder to insure against a repetition (- as if, He, Jane - you, Tarzan...Role Reversal...Swat Narx Do). So - Aim, Fire, Bullseye. He gets to sample another sweetie from the shop whilst keeping his grip on your 'ignorant' sleeve at arm's-length (where his arms are longer than yours, meaning, you can't get any grip on HIM!), in case she doesn't work out? It's called the Pity Ploy and is what Covert Vulnerables do and Narc-Spaths in Covert/Priming mode over-do, to keep access to you if/whenever they need you (and eff you needing them, thinking you can likewise summon them!). So if he does that misbehaving/mixed-messaging/serious Dater inadequacy/idiot who doesn't know how the social world works at his age, plus pity-ploying in response to your confronting (especially something they should have told you before 'conveniently all-of-a-sudden, only now'), again - JUST RUN! I've had that sacreligous excuse tried on me, to an even more extreme level (downright evil): Saturday night. Guy stood me up (online, Match Dot Com, early days, moreover inquisitive-ness on my part, luckily). Enquired via site email about what and why the next day (lunchtime): 'My mum died....(VAGUE/OVER-GENERAL details-details)...'. My response, given that I'd watched him being pigging Active all beeping morning: 'Do you always go cruising and flirting online after your Mum's dies?' ("(vomit)...Neeeext!"). Maybe, in this case, it WAS the anniversary of his Late Brother. Maybe it wasn't. You don't know (yet). But here's a clue: What - (a) was he perfectly okay LAST anniversary, so had no clue this would happen THIS year...got taken wholly by-surprise?...(how does THAT work, then??). Or (b) did suffer like this last year too, yet, strangely didn't think to forewarn you, given the approaching calendar date? ...Instead, agreed to a date with you that clashed with that week? HYUH, RIGHT.)) "Men can and will spend money on the things that matter to them. Don’t waste time with a man who’s not generous or romantic. If he’s not taking you out to nice and meaningful dates, or being thoughtful about what you would like, he’s not valuing you the way you deserve to be valued. “But I am a feminist and can hold my own!” you might say. A real feminist knows the world hasn’t achieved equality yet, so trying to impose “equality” on unequal circumstances only leads to more adversity for you." ((Like trying to have the same sexual liberties as men - HOW VERRAY DAARE HYOU.)) High-quality men are more than happy to go out of their way to please and impress women they’re interested in, so you should never feel like you need to settle and play the “cool girl” who is low-maintenance and “easy” to date. With all the burdens, inequality, and safety issues women confront even going on a date with a man who might assault or murder her, why should you settle for less? A woman who is used to being taken out and properly “courted” will feel a natural “ick” toward any man who approaches her and doesn’t have some sort of solid and romantic date plan. Some women may think that going 50-50 is “equality,” but a man who’s okay with not impressing you from the beginning ((which is what they're hard-programmed to do - show-off their Provider skills whether it comes to that or not)) isn’t going to try to impress you down the road either and is likely to be emotionally stingy." ___________________________________________________ Here's the thing, though. Once a woman IS fully recovered (PARTICULARLY following sustained emotional abuse including belittling and worse disrespect) - the way this article describes IS how a natural woman naturally behaves....yet still *nicely*. Just not when there are still flecks of Nex (ex-Narc) slime on her. TOUGH and nice. Not lax/permissive and nice. Diff/diff. ******************************* NOW FOR THE 'WHAT TO DO'. Let's put him to the test - under the table: Go silent and don't move a muscle. Let's SEE how short or long it takes him to notice. And see what he does. AND HOW. But that's *does*, not just blah-blahs all over again. Fancy it? More than his (er) love - YOU NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU STAND. To know whether and where to go from there.

It's time to move on! Enough of being stuck and him making you feel unsure of yourself. Never pour into a person more than they pour into you. You'll find yourself feeling hurt, used, and drained. This is why I always say, if you and a person that you were in a relationship with don't last, you have no reason to be friends after the breakup. You need time and space away from this person to heal. If it was meant for the two of you to be friends then he would've went about the situation differently. I know you have a history with this person, but after he was honest with you about his feelings, the fact that you know he doesn't love you should be the closure that you need to move on. Because while you're still making an effort for his time and attention, it will have you feeling unworthy and desperate, especially if your efforts are going unnoticed. You're setting yourself up to be hurt even more and even though he didn't abuse you like the last one doesn't mean he was good to you, he was just better than what you were use to. Walk away from this person. The friendship, relationship, situationship, or whatever while you still have your dignity. These negative feelings you're experiencing will not go away as long as you're staying around him. Like I said, you need to heal. And you being around him is just a reminder that he's a part of your life that didn't work out the way that you thought it would. Don't carry that baggage around. Once you put it down, you'll begin to feel so much lighter. And then you'll wonder why you even held onto it for so very long.

(Yeah, baby! :D Well sassy!) (Do more threads!) (PS: hello and welcome, lol) (I'm whispering because it was that good, this feels kind-of sacrilegious haha)