Has anyone ever been in a controlling relationship or lovebombed?

Hi. I met someone one day off a gay dating site. A day after chatting, we arranged to meet 2 days later, but ended up meeting up a day later for a few hours, then they wanted to see me everyday, so went saw each other 12 days in a row. They stopped overnight here, about 4 /5 times. I stopped there once and net his mother/ sister, he's lived up here for 2 years, apparently escaped an abusive ex who made him dress a certain way, not allowed friends/ used to hit him. It was going quite, well. Really quick, he texted constantly when he was a work, and at home when we weren't together, then suddenly 1 night he got screenshots off his ex, apparently of me meeting/ caherinngon another lad called Danny, I'd never met a Danny in my life,! Let alone with a red Corsa car! Anyway he was adamant I've cheated and called a weekend away in Blackpool which we'd paid for. And one of these screennshots had this ex and Danny saying where I lived/ worked, all my hobbies and what I did in my life. I got the police as Inwas really creeper out. And they reconnned the lad I was seeing had made all this up, to go.back to his ex. I also saw my doctor, as the whole thing made my anxiety go through the roof. The Dr reckoned he'd made it all up. I was like whaaaat! He said I've had a really really lucky escape! He had also shown me this 3 page love letter in his book he'd written all about what he'd mapped out for the rest of out lives and getting married! And also a big list of places where we were gping to.visit. I don't know what anyone else makes of all this? Or had some very weird similar dating experience?

Any guy who maps out your life together with him along with marriage after just a dozen or so days & nights together is something that you run away from very fast. Your Dr & the cops are spot on with their analysis of the whole thing. Guess you'll be wary of dating sites now as there's heaps of trolls & retards all over the internet just hanging out for their next victim. Yes, there are 'normal' people who are controllers & 'normal' people who use others for their own ends. Listen to your gut in the future, particularly when it comes to relationships, as it's rarely wrong.

Mykl1152, "The Dr reckoned he'd made it all up. I was like whaaaat! He said I've had a really really lucky escape!" Damn right. You had been "Love-Bombed". I mean - who normally is willing to show they're THAT incredibly leech-like in the first, delicate flush of a relationship where putting the other off with overkeenness is a consideration, eh? Come oonnnn. Talk about, trying to get his hooks into you in record time! And then, yes, used as a tool for getting his (poor, abused) Ex back based on the boo-hoos. Google "Martha Stout - The Pity Play". He then accused you of cheating SO THAT he could dodge the trip and work on his Ex. As you now can see - he was "Projecting": HE was the one who was cheating. You were a pawn in his quick-quick Hoovering by Triangulation campaign. He's the abuser, hence strangely wanted 'his abuser' back, whereas 'his abuser' had to be emotionally manipulated into pitying him in order to respond. PS: "He had also shown me this 3 page love letter in his book he'd written all about what he'd mapped out for the rest of out lives and getting married! And also a big list of places where we were gping to.visit. I don't know what anyone else makes of all this? Or had some very weird similar dating experience?" Whom but The Shameless would even WANT their new beau to see that!?! He didn't give a stuff for shame/embarrassment (in front of Temporary You) because his other agenda took greater priority. Google "Narcissist - Future Faking". Still, it must be very validating to realise HE was the abuser, the one who controlled his partner to point to denying his god-given rights to dress as he pleased, have friends, and NOT BE HIT (EVER), eh.

PPS: Leechboy probably only arranged the weekend trip to Blackpool to provoke his ex-not-ex into jealousy and competitiveness, and chasing Leechboy to get him back/make the pain stop (they always leave them in pain and confusion and making getting-over-them as impossible as possible). Danny-the-pranny sounds like the (google) "Flying Monkey".

Wow, thank you for all that information. I have sunnies caught up with said ex, and he said he was like that with him. The ex wasn't out as gay back then. When they met. And it was all rushed through, my ex had said he lived him after day 3. And they had moved in after 2 weeks! The ex then daud they did fight. But he only hit him , after nine fmgit first, and despite me telling him my doctor and the police saying he isnvery unwell and a liar. He says they ate trying again and hopefully he has turned over. A new leaf....rather him that me,.although he says he us ok and just needs steered in the right direction,!

You've sunnies caught-up, have you? Hahah - Autocorrupt (as I call it): doncha love it? Or do I mean live it? Or maybe, dove it? Hahaha. Anyhoo... On behalf of Manalone and myself, you're very welcome. :) How did you manage to catch up with said ex? Moved-in after 2 weeks. That'd be right. It never fails to shock me, though. THEY never fail to shock me! And IT (Narcissism). I mean, who the eff wants you to move in with them after 2 weeks! Well-known meme: Nobody falls in-love faster than a Narcissist needing a place to stay. (Uhhh-huh. Plus - '...needing a personal punchbag and slave' (because the last one spat them out again).) They are never single. Not even when you first meet them. "and despite me telling him my doctor and the police saying he is very unwell and a liar. He says they are trying again and hopefully he has turned over a new leaf" Yeah, well. Not everyone is as healthy and strong-minded thus hard to brainwash - or as proactive - as you. He'll learn ...the hard way. Bet you anything, though, that now that you've approached him - the minute the Devalue and (Fake) Discard kicks in again, ex will be ringing you for support. What do you think you'll do?

Sorry - HIS ex, I mean, just to be clear. (Your ex is "the Nex".)

PS: Have you read Rehman10!'s latest thread - "Am I worthless because..." yet?

some people are so cruel it boggles my mind. now that you've felt lovebombing next time run like a rabbit when your gut says so. i'm sorry this happened to you

and i've lovebombed my dog every time i get a new one. any time i adopt it's a rescue. i know damage and so we get over the sad 'new home, bad thing yesterday' very quickly to establish the new normal of schedule and expectation. lovebombing over rides the neural pathways previously set from there my buddy is my best friend and i spend the most time with him. he comforts, and entertains.

I remember the name of his ex on.instagram, so I just started asking him stuff about it all last weekend! Was the person I've been with someone who possibly had bipolar, or a narcissistic disorder or borderline personality disorder? The lies, the rush at relationships, the just as fast to discard me etc etc....

I remember the name of his ex on.instagram, so I just started asking him stuff about it all last weekend! Was the person I've been with someone who possibly had bipolar, or a narcissistic disorder or borderline personality disorder? The lies, the rush at relationships, the just as fast to discard me etc etc....

Apple Orgies for the delay, Mykly (explanation on Marpip's thread). I loved that - 'so I just'. Hahaha, that's what I meant when I said, proactive (and dynamic). I had that in-common with you. If the Nex did what Nexes do best and refused any Closure - I'd just bloody reach over and grab it (when they were looking the other way, of course). MY story too - my ENDING too. I'M having that! (Mleugh) I'm a champion Chip-nicker as well, heheh. So have you found out or worked-out anything(s) else?

Well I said to the ex, do you think it's fair what his ex did to me...he said well not really, but he has been hurt more than any of this, what I've been through, and he said that's the main thing that his ex seems to he ok now and is turning over a new leaf! And as long as he treats him ok everything's fine wirh him. I thought wow he is sooo delusional. His ex told me my ex had a habit.of lying and he got too clever for his lying, so used to flare up and they used to fight. But apparently he got hit forst off my ex, not the other way round and he acted in self defence! He also told me he liked him wearing the sportswear jackets, only told him to sell a few as he didn't have enough room in the house for them all! He also said he told him he loved him in 3 days and moved in together after 2 weeks. Also he said he wasn't out as gaybat the time, so it was all new to him. And that's why it worked for 2 years. After the moving in after 2 weeks! Then they weren't in the right place. So they split up. And he told me my ex doesn't like people pointing out his flaws. The ex also said he's still in touch with his family and stops at his aunties still too. He likes to do his own thing, he doesn't like taking about stuff. He doesn't like people pointing out his flaws or what's wrong with him, despite him saying he's alright! Haha thing is I'm used to rob, and I know how he works. It didn't work out with us the first time because I was too clever and always found out the lies. That's where our arguments would start. Nahhh he's not mad. He doesn't conduct himself well sometimes. Nahh I mean the love letter, move at 100mph. He was like that with me at the start. We moved very very quickly, but I wasn't out as gay so was all new to me. Hence why it obviously worked for 2 years but then we weren't in the right place for each other. I'm hoping it's gonna be alot better this time round, What do you think of the way. He has been / treated me like? I don't really know. I don't want to get involved. I'm happy with Rob and we're sorting things out so l'm not going to say anything about him.

Good.... GUH-RIEF! Oh, well... Ex will have to learn the hard way. Just as well. He's clearly too arrogant for his own good and needs 'life' to knock that out of him...clearly thinks HE - TA-DAA! - will be the one - TA-DAA! - to 'cure' Rob, where "Yoo-oo-oou...*failed* (mleugh)". That and what the Hypnotic Effect, Love-Bombing/Reset Button-pressing and gossamer-layer-accumulated Trauma Bonding, Intermittent Reinforcement and Gaslighting does to your head; it's literally like being unwittingly, FORCIBLY (under your own awareness and control), seriously addicted to Heroin or other Opiates...the only difference between the tangible drug in the environment and this particular psychological version, being, YOUR BRAIN becomes it's own drug manufacturer-supplier, but the Narc has become the interface...his and only his (or hers), the finger that flicks the factory into operation...and that's the ultimate reason why the victim keeps following them around in spite of the fact that they (unavoidably) now dislike the narc as much as the narc always, right from the start, pathologically, irrationally, despised (but/thus wants to covet) the victim. Yeah, well - (sensibly, intelligently) having bailed on a Toxic is not the same as failed, exceept for in LaLa Land where, secretly, it's Opposities Day every day ("Narcs - twisting by 180 degrees"). 'Doesn't want to get involved'. PFFFF. *He already is*. 'I don't want to be saved', more like - or, 'I don't need saving' or 'you to save me'. But then, the Narc always does stoke needless jealousy and competitiveness amongst his victims ("Narc Boyfriend - Triangulation"). Note he says they're sorting things out (yeah, it's called, acting like the Love-Bombing/Honeymoon Heroin-mainliner Ex first met...just until the coast is clear again (victim self-imperceptibly out-of-it again, all relaxed on Cloud 9, celebrating too early, all of that) - and ditto re. all other things affirmative, with SUCH CONVINCTION.... ...And yet, when it comes to a prognosis as demands a planting of a flag if all his other words were to hold any weight in your mind - he too tellingly can admit only to ***HOPING*** it's going to be a lot better this time round. Compare: 'I'm confident it's gonna be a lot better this time round' 'I'm sure it's gonna be a lot better this time round'. Nope. He's just HOPING. Me, I'm hoping to tomorrow night, swim to the moon and back. What are you hoping, MYKL?...anything interesting and challenging? Hahahahaha. Oh, bless... Anyway. Nope, it's - Narc-universally-characteristically - WORSE second-time-around! Cor, watch THAT space! Well, watch without watching, if you know what I mean. Be open to spotting....There we go. (Words, eh? Slippery little Suckers.) (- name the famous film!) You must feel VERY vindicated already, yes? I mean, you always were (you were at 'Hello'!), but, can FEEL it now - yes?

PS Mr Fabulously Leaky :D... "His ex told me my ex had a habit.of lying and he " I saw that. (Ex had a habit, eh? Yeah. Most do. They abuse everything, including drugs.) And was this YOUR Freudian or his? : "(Also he said he wasn't out as) gaybat" *Batty* gay guy, eh? Yeah, lately, he is! "he got too clever for his lying" Clearly, Ex *didn't* get too clever for him or else Nex wouldn't want him BACK. (All together now: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh.....'Ma-mma say-uz - Laaaaaf is laak a bowwwx of chowww..cluts.....Yuh nivur knoww... what-cha-gow..nna geey-ut' / 'Stuff the bloody chowcluts - we know precisely what you've 'gowat'! - Rurn, For-west, rurn!!!')

So, basically.do you mean the ex, of my ex is a narcissist, and has been controlling him the whole time and when he knew we were together for the 18 days? And my ex can't see what he's doing. Right underneath him? Or both of them are narcissist and as sick as each other?!

Noooo. Other way round. Ex is Rob's Ex. Nex is Rob. But Ex has his own problem in that, albeit, he's a victim, but is that bit too arrogant...thinks he's invincible and that he can be The One to make Nex happy.

I imagine they will he happy for a short while, the honeymoon period again, then they'll be fighting like cat and dog again. And it will be very messy/ toxic. Tue ex is delusional and still thinks the sun shines out of his backside. I wonder why he'd be happy in a not happy relationship. Is it because Nex has reeled him in that many times, like with a fishing rod?

"I imagine they will he happy for a short while, the honeymoon period again, then they'll be fighting like cat and dog again." Oh, I'd put money on it! "And it will be very messy/ toxic." Worse than ever. After all, if they can treat you like shite yet you STILL take them back, their warped little minds see it as just hot-air protest or put it down to PMT or whatever, meaning, can carry on that way (degenerating as they go), OR simply to get you back in order to lullingly position you ready for the revenge-dump when you least expect it or don't expect it whatsoever, meanwhile, heating up an however-long-in-waiting back-up Primary Supply (whether purely emotional goods or actual, practical and fiscal too, e.g. moving-in to your place and expecting it to be or quickly become rent- and/or any financial/practical contribution whatsoever-free). "Tue ((true?)) ex is delusional and still thinks the sun shines out of his backside." Clearly! He's trapped in the fallacy that he can be Lourdes on-legs. You ever see the amazing film, Empire Of The Sun, starring Christian whassisface as a kid....Bale!, that's it. That scene where he reckons he can save the corpse if he just keeps performing CPR on it...all the while chanting, 'I can save him....I can save him...'. (Noooo, you can't, luv - "this is an EX-parrot!") "I wonder why he'd be happy in a not happy relationship." Oooh, now you're asking... Are you sitting comfortably?... 1. Commitmentphobe - Narc (at this still-early point before the damaged has accumulated into a bodily stress-inflammatory condition/disease) suits him in some or other way - or so he still early-days thinks). 2. Too Trauma-Bonded (go oogle) and addicted ("so nearly got through to him this time, ooh!"). 3. Needs the challenge / something to prove to himself and/or others, and/or came to the fauxlationship with lowered self-esteem (or ended-up that way due to the first session in the ring/cage). 4. Was made over-responsible (treated like a little adult/"the man of the house") as a kid and is too stuck in that rut of a role to kick the habit quickly enough (failure to update to the new status) (- "Adapt or perish" - Darwin). 5. Has been Triangulated (google), pitted against you as if it's a competition...and no doubt trained to resent you (despite the politeness). 6. He's less wordly-wise than you, more gullible, doesn't realise matey's a Narc yet or doesm't appreciate the depth of what that means, how it translates into any relationship and, especially, affects and effects ("Ooh, oww, me Fibromyalgia!"). 7. Has been 'encouraged' by Nex i.e. primed and ready, to view your attempt at a friendly warning merely as a case of sour grapes on your part (this being one of the more common reason). And many, many more - INCLUDING, when the victim can't drive but needs transport, and the Narc has a car (and convinces them they'll *always* cart them round....toooo the doctor's appointments that they themselves have created the very need for!...."an-izznid-ironic...doncha think?" (Alanis); their "love" LITERALLY makes you ill.) Usually, it's a whole cocktail of (self-defeating - egg, rather than chicken) reasons (i.e. a lot are actually consequences of being victimised in that "special" way). "Is it because Nex has reeled him in that many times, like with a fishing rod?" That goes with Point 2....including (oogle) really going for it with the "Future Faking" and fake remorse. Here.... another once-victim (although, you luckily only got as far as dipping your toes in that toxic pond...and that was enough FOR YOU!)... _______________________________________________________________________________ From Quora: https://www.quora.com/How-many-chances-did-you-give-your-narcissist Question: How many chances did you give your narcissist? Tami McConnell · Follow 6y "How many chances did I give Narcy? Oh poor dear, brace yourself for this one because it's shockingly bad. And not only is it horrific, it's going to make you realize a few things. How many chances? The answer: 8,409,600 chances. Unbelieveable, you say? It's not. Every minute of every hour of every day that you spent with Narcy was a chance given. It only takes 1 minute to make a change, to create a smile, to say “I love you”, to make an effort. Every minute is another chance. But that's not even the worst of it. Here's what you gave up for yourself… in order to give each and every one of those chances to Narcy: 1 of each of the following for every chance you gave. This is what you sacrificed: Health, happiness, wholeness, acceptance, companionship, intimacy, friendship, commitment, joy, love, contentment, appreciation, compassion, comfort, security, laughter, etc And this list is not complete. Nowhere near it. At minimum, for every 1 chance you gave, you sacrificed 16 chances for yourself, at ALL of these. For me that equated to 134,553,600 chances I denied myself to give Narcy that 1 more minute of 1 more hour of 1 more day…1440 chances a day. And it cost me 16x that much giving them. He was worth and deserving of none. But I was more than worth the lost opportunities I sacrificed trying to save the unsavable “human” we know as Narcy. That's a monstrous number isn't it? Is it any wonder you feel so drained, so empty, so broken afterwards?. Add those numbers up. And realize their full impact. All those chances you gave, and not a single one made a difference, did they? All squandered by Narcy, at a tremendous cost to you. You've learned “you can't pour from an empty cup”. Now you know how much Narcy really drained your cup. And for every chance you deny Narcy going forward, you start filling that cup back up, 16x faster. Every denied chance to Narcy equals 16 chances you're giving back to yourself. And probably more. Like a starving person, at first the food they need may feel strange, foreign, awkward, painful, and their body may try to reject it several times before they begin to absorb it. But, they need to keep eating, don't they? Keep embracing these chances you are giving yourself. Every single one of them. I see so much all the questions about “the new supply” and how it's all so painful…the ultimate hurt, the epitome of betrayal… Honey, the reality is that Narcy can flaunt Douchy or whoever s/he likes until the proverbial cows come home. That's not what's devestating you. It's not what is/was soul crushing to you. That's not what was unforgiveable. That wasn't the most painful betrayal. I'll tell you what is. I'll tell you what the “unforgiveable” is that made you say “no more” and finally mean it. It's that monstrous number of 134,553,600 denials you gave to yourself. It's the 8,409,600 chances you gave to Narcy….( that he gave zero fucks about)… that kills you inside. Part of you, inside, knows this, though you may not consciously recognize it as such. That's why NO ONE else can heal what's hurting you, except for you. You stop giving chances to Narcy. Period. You start taking your first nibbles of life, and just keep at it until you fill yourself, your cup, back up. With 16 saved chances for yourself at a time per minute…you'll heal much quicker than you know. And going forward you'll recognize just how valuable each and every minute, each chance, you give to another person really is…to you. Youll recognize exactly what it could cost you to give them to the wrong person. So make sure they are worth it, before you make that investment and that sacrifice. Know when the chances you give are not worth the price you are paying to give them. And if that happens, stop. Right then. Narcy? One more chance? Never. I can't afford that kind of time, can you?" (Now THERE'S an indepth angle courtesy of hindsight, eh! Very well explained, methinks.) ------------------ (That was the What - and here's the How in terms of (oogle) "Narc Playbook strategies" - or one variation...) "Caitlin Smith · Follow 4 year relationship with a narcissist Upvoted by Sylvie Aimée , MS Psychology, University of Pennsylvania5y I am going to use this question to do something Ive never done. publicly admit the extent to which my ex manipulated and used me. I am doing this not only to make people aware of how they manipulate but also for my record. I am intelligent, trusting and loving person please do not judge why I didn't walk away sooner. chance 1. Met my narc in November 2015, after three months he discards me for a girl he has been talking to on social media. It lasts a month with her he come back to me. chance 2. May to November - he has professed his love for me, more of less living with me, things are good, we are happy. He then has to confess to me that he has cheated on me (the girls boyfriend has threatened to tell me). I am in shock as I totally got no sign whatsoever of his infidelity. He talks me around. Chance 3. December 2017 - he meets a past X factor contestant at an event in London. He is flattered by the attention and acts in such a way that I discard him, I don't know anything about her. We are apart for three weeks whilst he spends time with her, he comes back to me just before Christmas telling me he forgives me (this is where they are clever at manipulating the discard). I take him back Chance 4. March 2018 X factor girl is back on the scene, we are apart for a month (I discard again) I meet someone else in this time, he finds out and decides that I am a better supply to him than her and begs that we try and again. (I still do not know about NPD at this point). Chance 5. April 2018 He is away for business in Chile. whilst away he meets a girl who he adds to his social media. At this stage I am adept in checking his social media for girls her could be talking to (as he keeps any sign of me off it). The girl has posted a video of him with her on a drunken night out. The next day he misses his flight home and has lunch with her (which she videos, obviously completely unaware he has a partner). when he returns I end the relationship. In this time he keeps in constant contact with the girl and goes back to chile to see her. At the end of June he is back without supply and hoovers me, hard. He promises me everything, apologises, and I take him back I actually cant write anymore….. just reading it is making me realise that this relationship was not a relationship at all. He came in and out of my life repeatedly and I let him. He manipulate me and used me and all the time telling me loved me. He is now with another ex that he triangulated me with the whole time, and even though when he was with her initially she knew he tried to get me back he eventually won her around. What makes it so hard is that already he is planning holidays with her and its only been three weeks since they got back to together. I used to question whether my ex had NPD but reading just half of what he did (and believe me there was many many mind games along side all of this) I have no doubt that he has a very big problem indeed. What kind of person uses someone in this way? someone who is so desperate not to be alone that they will use someones trust and vulnerability against them for their own benefit. Apologies for long winded reply. Today has been a very tough day for me. I have never had a relationship effect me I this way before." (SHE needs a hug, eh!) And this one clearly was wed to a Malignant as far as a Triad (google): (My double brackets) "Carolyn Zacher · Follow Entrepreneur6y None. This is because I didn’t truly see who he was until the discard. I feel he was really, really good at hiding the truth. Once I saw who he was, because he finally showed himself, I then spied on him in order to gain info of what was going on, looking at his phone, FB, emails…. only to discover he had been carrying on having an affair for quite some time. He also was running a smear campaign at the business we owned together. It was horrible. I left immediately after having the evidence and have never taken him back, never will. But let me tell you, it’s nice to have evidence. It gives you clout and makes you feel sane. But, you don’t need it to know you’re right for leaving. Once they show you who they are, truly that is all you need. A smear campaign alone is enough. Bad treatment is enough. I was “lucky” if you want to call it that, to have been married to someone who had narcissistic tendencies before, about 10 years prior. During that relationship, he quickly, early, changed into the “new guy” which was not nice like the “original guy” had been. In that relationship, it took me several years to realize that the “new guy” i was with, that came out right after marriage, was really the “real him” and that the “original guy” was really a facade. I didn’t want to accept this at first and went through the usual things of trying, trying, trying, conceding, talking, going to therapy, giving, giving, giving, while he took, took, took. I finally accepted this was the real him, and knew I had been suckered by the fake guy in order to get me. I then became bitter and resentful, and continued to live with him for 3 more years in order to stay home with my son who had Asperger’s. ((That counts as, his having got her over a barrel.)) It was a bitter, loveless relationship and I took no crap from him, and quit giving. Once our son started kindergarten, I filed for divorce and left. The kicker of that relationship, was to learn of all the deviousness he had been up to, during our marriage. I had another son from a previous marriage being married to an alcoholic (yes, yes, I know, I sure know how to pick them). He was mean to that son, but not his own. I would pay for everything for my son, with cash, from my nannying job (so I could stay home with our son). He would initially charge all these purchases, and then make me pay him back in cash, so I would make payments to him over time. Shoes, clothes, 1/2 the washer and dryer, paid fully to finish my sons room in the basement. You name it. Never mind he made 6 digits and we lived in a half side of a duplex. Yes, he was a shit. ((Google "Malignant Covert Narcissist - Financial Abuse".)) He tapped my phone lines ((google)). It was easy. He worked for the phone company. On a call to my best friend, talking about him, on a landline the phone immediately disconnected for no reason in the middle of a conversation. He would always take off work and start hanging around outside, with the sliding door open so he could hear me and I wouldn’t know he was there. I wasn’t doing anything! I don’t know why he spied on me. SO WEIRD. ((I hope she's read-up on Why, since.)) The kicker was that he kept a journal for 4 years, tracking all these expenses that he originally put on his credit cards so that he could STICK ME WITH HALF OF HIS CREDIT CARD DEBT IN THE DIVORCE. And, mind you, I had already given him cash for all of these items written in the notebook so it was LIES. ((Outright Fraud, that is - including conning the highest authority in the land, look...but their over-cockiness and delusions of superiority over ANY normal-healthy human, even the Family Court judge and solicitors, is off the charts!)) God helped me find that notebook the day we separated, THANK GOD HE DIDN’T HAVE IT FOR THE COURTS TO SEE… and so I then got immediately clued into what the divorce was going to look like, which took a year and was hell, and just how devious he was. I sat on the couch with the notebook in my hand and bawled. You think you know someone. Let me tell you, you don’t. Mean. Horrible. Despicable. Vindictive. Me, the mother of his only child. He tried to bankrupt me and make me lose the house and custody. WHO DOES THAT. Let me tell you. A narc. They are DANGEROUS. So… I didnt know it was called narcissism at the time… it was 10 years later I found out what he was. I had to leave that marriage, not looking back with regrets, not having any answers to why he did what he did, not understanding anything, but trusting myself, and not doubting myself. Knowing people really are capable of despicable things and you won’t know the why of it, but you still must leave for YOU. So.. when it came to my 2nd narc relationship, the MOMENT HE HAD A DIFFERENT SIDE he exposed, even thought it took 7 years, ((- right, that does it - this one was a "silver spoon", money-as-control-obsessed, Narc-Spath)) I RAN, RAN, RAN. I still didn’t know what narcissism was at this point. I just knew he had showed his hand. He had showed himself. The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. The second time they show you, shame on you to be there to see it. Don’t wait for a second time. There will always be one. People don’t fake being mean or bad…. They fake being nice. Know this. They are showing you who they are." ((Not 'People'. Narcs. Diff/all the diff in the world.)) ______________________________________________________________ As you can probably get a sense of: it's actually less about spotting early Red Flags enough for avoidance, and more about, just, first actual opportunity you get, where all the requisite elements 'come together' and fall into place - leg-it (as pre-plannedly safely and damage-limitingly as you can). Which you did (well done again!). One of my own sayings, personally: Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - you're a Narc (type Covert or covert as a ploy...which I already have all the evidence for). Everyone: Next relationship - if you can't afford a Counsellor to act as your wholly unbiased Constant and feedback-er, at least keep a Diary - or a log/blog on here.

PS: "Is it because Nex has reeled him in that many times, like with a fishing rod?" And The Investment Principle, there is another reason - yes.

What do you mean. By there I'd another reason. Yes?

Yes/correct, it additionally is because the Nex had repeatedly reeled him back in. Google "Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse". It's like being trapped on a nightmare Merry-Go-Round. Every time you stay and try-try-try again (to make the person coooperate, stop acting-out, being unreasonable, reacting shockingly OTT, all of that), you have made a further INVESTMENT. Ergo, with every try, it gets harder and harder to Walk Away. E.g. You order a taxi for 2pm (airport run). At 2.05 it hasn't arrived (which, for an airport run, is a No-No). You give it another 5 minutes (to be reasonable). But at 2.10 - still no sign. But since you've already waited 10 minutes - if you walk away now, that's when it's BOUND to suddenly turn up (Sod's Law and all that)! So you give it another 10...and THEN phone the taxi rank. They say, traffic, and, driver's just minutes away (lie). But as now you've invested a whole 20 minutes, you may as well wait a few more.... (and the sh*ttier taxi companies KNOW this and use it!). Basically, if you invest the psychological version of money (your finite, mental-physical energy) in something, then, by the laws of Integrity, 'What goes up, must come down' and you should see Interest...a Dividend (as in, if you sow - you reap). (Not when the rank is lying, though. But you don't KNOW they are!) You, the victim, feel unable to walk away because WHAT IF *THIS TIME* IS WHEN HE SUDDENLY - OH, JOY! - WAKES UP AND SEES THE LOVING LIGHT?!...and after all that incredible work on your part (and, cough!-note! yours alone), you weren't there to see it? ...AND, to make matters worse, what if his NEXT lover gets to benefit from all that hard work of yours, instead of, rightfully, you?!...how frustrating and galling and unjust would THAT be!.... (and so on and so forth). And how often, growing-up, do you see (hear) in films: 'Well, we've come this far so we may as well keep going'? Another problem vis-a-vis the repeat (fake) Discard then Hoover Back (and repeat Cycle), is this: The victim seeing this repeating cycle as meaning this: 'He/She *CLEARLY* *can't* stay away...can't live *without* me, or else he/she wouldn't keep being drawn back to me each time! So THERE'S Hope!'. It's NOT self-delusion at that stage, though. Because you don't KNOW that this isn't a normal nor normally-functional human being, same as you. Because they hide it. Like the taxi firm. And the Narc helps with that....says little things, like, 'I know I have trust issues'...followed later by, 'I think maybe I'm starting to believe I can trust you' and other ollocks - all and anything that translates to - 'Ooh, don't ditch me YET because - nearly there, nearly there!', when there IS no 'there'. There is no light at the end of that tunnel because it's not a tunnel ALONG, it's a tunnel DOWN. Down, down, deeper and down (name the 70s/80s hit rock band!). Here - have the lyrics: "Get down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Get down deeper and down I want all the world to see To see you're laughing, and you're laughing at me I can take it all from you Again again again again Again again again and deeper and down Get down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Get down deeper and down I have all the ways you see To keep you guessing, stop your messing with me You'll be back to find your way Again again again again Again-gain-gain-gain deeper and down Down down deeper and down Get down Get down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Down down deeper and down Get down deeper and down I have found you out you see I know what you're doing, what you're doing to me I'll keep on and say to you Again again again again Again-gain-gain-gain deeper and down Down down deeper and down Get down" But also and mainly (I suspect in this case), is the 'I'll be the one to tame him because, actually, you're not as clever as you think, mleugh!... and *I'm* not as thick as you think, either!...just you watch!' (which the victim believes is your hidden attitude, courtesy of the Narc's deliberate Slander Campaign for the purposes of later Triangulation).

That song obviously is about the 'Challenge (for the victim who loves or isn't scared of a challenge) aspect'. Someone who's used to being so stubbornly tenacious that they inevitably succeed. Like a tennis champ who's a champ because he/she tries for every...single...ball, no matter how seemingly unreachable...no matter what. Something To Prove - ostensibly to you but REALLY, to himself and his OWN needful ego. Oh yes - and, obviously, Immaturity comes into it.