I don’t know how to forgive myself after infidelity?

LOZ1234 - Jan 19 2025 at 19:18
I’ll try and keep this as short as I possibly can.
But basically. I am married. 4 children.
Been married 2 years.
I started talking to someone online via a fake profile. This person I knew years ago. A lot of years ago when I was a teen.
He cropped up showing interest so that’s when I made a fake profile.
We spoke on and off. I never met him. Even though he asked to. I never did. It was just strictly online chat. There was some sex chat. He is married also. Anyway his wife caught him out and she was the one messaging me eventually. I ended everything. Blocked him. Deleted messages everything.
At this point my husband knew nothing.
I wanted to tell him so bad but then I also didn’t want to because I know on my part I ended it and I knew I wouldn’t go back there again so I didn’t want to put in place any problems for us. Even though I caused them. I know this.
I full understand the “you got caught, this is why sorry ect”
I don’t condone cheating I hate it.
I’ve been cheated on. I know exactly how it feels. I hate my self.
Anyway I came clean to my husband I few weeks later. Told him everything. It ended up where my husband and his wife were communicating.
He’d decided to stay with me but also does say little things every now and again like little things that i know I fully deserve.
I don’t want to part with my husband I want to stay with him for the rest of my life.
I hate myself for what I have done.
I’ve not only betrayed him but I believe when you do that you betray your whole family.
I feel like ending this relationship myself as I don’t condone cheating at all but I know somewhere there’s a reason I did what I did even tho I fully know there is not any valid reason for doing this to someone you’re supposed to love.
But I feel like maybe I will only forgive myself and be able to move on with my life if I end my marriage. I don’t deserve to be with him or forgiven and trust me that is not a self pity talk. I genuinely wish I could go back. I really do. My life feels like it will never be the same and it feels like everything in my life is false!
Any advice would be wise. Please thank you
I think you have to learn to forgive yourself as leaving your marriage would even make you feel much worse . Try to forgive yourself and the truth is if your husband really loves you as you love him , he will forget it as I know I will.
Hi LOZ1234,
"Any advice would be wise. Please thank you"
Yes.
Show him this thread. :)
PS: I don't call that infidelity - not enough, anyway. More just a fantasy. Or experiment. You refused to meet him because you HAD all you needed - a trip back down memory lane...
Maybe you 'bit' BECAUSE you sensed he was iffy and wanting an affair, and might have been able to better work-out what the heck was wrong with 'your' past cheater? Re-enactment, it's called.
But he started it. I mean - what grown adult does that?...just pops back out of the woodwork after too long of no contact?
Answer: Malignant Narc looking for an accomplice to help devastate his wife.
So what did you learn about your past betrayer-idiot? That he was a user-abuser too?
Reenactment is actually very common.
All you've been, IMO, is naive, intrigued, and therefore (taken as being) good bait.
You said NO. Because you're taken. That's the main thing. The only thing, actually.
Bet he WHOOPS-told his wife something different, though Bet you anything.
Narc-Features picked the wrong woman, then, didn't he! :)
PS: "He’d decided to stay with me but also does say little things every now and again like little things that i know I fully deserve. "
Little things LIKE WHAT? Go into detail for me.
those digs he's making are to hurt you because he's hurt and that's his emotional intelligance. (not his fault)
my wife cheated too. had she come with the explanation that let me see her true remorse, and gave the promises which i believed true from our shared pained expressions, and if my feelings lingering from the gaslighting as i'd argued to myself 'she'd never do that to me.' maybe with the right touch, miracles could happen and redemption found.
simply put you hurt him and for him that's layered in a complicated fashion with feelings having no _good release valve. he needs to understand what happened and why. if he doesn't he can't be the provider because ignorance is incompetence. now it's what you learned, meaning the resolution in your curiousity to then tell him you'll never ever ever do it again.
and once he can focus his rational mind around the vortex of pains he then classifies and makes sense of everything. and then maybe he'll ...
being cheated on is more painful generally for men over women because women are more socialized and have higher emotional intelligance. your defenses are more adapted to process and cope in the social realm.
and if he lashes out screaming his feelings at you trust that's healthy and releasing the poison from his body. as long as he's non physical let him go until he tires then engage your plan.
intimacy? if you can share body warmth that's good. if you two make the whoopie that's better. and if having reconciled he instead initiates the whoopie, you get my gold star approval that it's okay.
your long term goal now is to reinforce your loyalty by showing thought, care, appreciation, what ever nice word for 'he's in your thoughts' again. sometimes after trauma our minds interject negativity straight into us and these have a retraumatizing effect. for the rest of your life with him he needs reinforced to understand he's loved and you're always there for him.
because that's the emotional toddler you hurt.
i'm sad that cheating is ever a thing. for me the betrayal of it burned most. for all that is fair and just please never let this be your path again. men are replying our help to you and you've seen the pain you caused as result. we've all got teachable moments.
once those amends are made give yourself forgiveness because everyone deserves that at least once.
good luck with things.