Just discovered affair and am utterly broken

I have just discovered that my husband of nearly 20 years (together 25+) is having an affair with a women he has been gaming with online. He doesn't know that I know. I am absolutely shattered and have no idea what to do next. My priority is to protect our 2 children. I have always been aware of how manipulative my husband can be, so really need help to know what I can do to protect myself and the kids before this blows up. I will be divorcing him, but I have no money, only debts due to all my money going towards household and family purchases. Any advice greatly appreciated. I just wish I wasn't here but know that I am going to have to be stronger than I have ever been for the sake of my kids.

Sorry for the delay, Amazonite! I or someone else will be with you a.s.a.p.

I'll still be with you soon-as, Amazonite, but the first and most IMPERATIVE thing - which I KNOW will be difficult, now that you're aware and certain - is to KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY. Do NOT breathe a word to him nor act any different... it's - 'Nothing to see here, folks, tum-tee-tum' (act yer socks off). This will buy you time to ensure you and the kids come out of this, smelling like roses. I can't stress this enough. PS: 'Been there, done that'. (((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))

And - huuuuge Kudos, missus, for the fact that this is what you've been managing to do already (thumps chest twice). ...Houston, we have a Warrior, meaning - 'EEEZ GUUURN DAAAOWWWWN!'

Right, then - as you're apparently aware he's a Covert Narcissist who's now let the ugly rest of his 'Narse' spill out...(because, trust me, there are TOO MANY ways of ensuring the spouse CANNOT POSSIBLY EVER find out...so there's our first Scooby Clue about what he is ("Cuckoo!") and is up to ("Cuckoo-cuckoo!") and for what pettily-evil purpose ("Matron?!")) - let's focus on the most long-term (lifelong) important thing: future-security-proofing you and the kids. So that you're SAFE before you go into battle (ergo it needn't even be a battle because you'll have headed him off at every pass) (wouldn't need to do this normally, but this ain't normal and normally we're dealing with)... So my first question is: 1. What's all this about, "your" money? You're MARRIED. AND WITH KIDS. There isn't supposed to BE any more "mine" -v- "yours" - right from the I Dos. Did you not know that? ...Don't tell me... his attitude has always been "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" - correct?...but, probably, began during Honeymoon, SEEMINGLY as, 'yours is mine and mine is yours' /or else you'd never have reached a point where you'd have dared have had kids with him, eh.) So - he managed to get you taking on that back-to-front attitude as well, did he? Well, news for him (cos they're nothing if not unrealistic or downright delusional): *NOPE*. And this is why we say NOTHING! If you confront a narc cheater, all they do is learn tips on getting away with it better 'next time'/next woman and/or/rapidly, secretly get busy with You-proofing the Marital Wealth & Assets (so that you end up too poor not to do what he wants, including become demoted from Primary to Secondary Supply, i.e. the new bit-on-the-side (google). (Saying that - 2. I hope you didn't sign a disgusting Prenup or anything?) ***Start recording and/or keeping receipts of every single. solitary. thing *you* buy, month-to-month, on you and/or the kids. And delete your history after every visit. And change your passwords: THEY'RE THE SNOOPS WITHOUT-A-CAUSE.***

If you have access to a lawyer who does not know your husband and who will respond to questions at a free or reduced cost, that would be the first person I would talk to about this situation.

Hello SOULMATE, I agree that keeping receipts of everything would be a good step in the right direction, especially when it comes to separating finances discretely. However, I think that it would also be helpful to include advice for AMAZONITE74 about separate living arrangements for both the short time and the long term for her and her children. For example, for short term living arrangements I would reach out to family or trusted friends who will support you and your children either prior to or during divorce proceedings to ensure that there is fewer chances for animosity to grow between you and your husband, and to give you time to save up money to be able to move out with your children eventually.

Hi Curious_Student, No, it would be the very opposite of helpful, I'm afraid. Because he's "(cough!)-manipulative" and a 'cheater without a cause' (not that there EXISTS ANY reason or excuse to cheat instead of just doing the normal, non-narcissistic-person thing of asking to divorce, grieving over it, and THEN seeking another partner, of course. But Narcs are Over-Entitled and think they're special, including above the social/civil rules and sanctities (incl. legally-made contracts) that the rest of 'inferior saps' have to follow (it's called, ensuring the surivival of the species, duh). But, they think they can have their nasty cake and eat it. (And not just eat it - rub their poor innocent spouses' faces in it.) Amazonite should prepare first and THEN announce that she wants a divorce (or even just allow him to receive the petition). Because NO WAY do they play fair. They don't WANT you coming out okay or god forbid better without them. They want you on the floor and having to suck-up to them (for financial help) and possibly (therefore) even agreeing to become the new Mistress-on-the-side. Also, she should NOT move out. She's done nothing wrong. He has. He can move out (her (narc-savvy) solicitor would assist via the courts). Here - tool yourself up for next time (note my Asterisks, especially; and double brackets). You'll find this information all over the web, nowadays: ___________________________________________________________________ https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-divorce-a-narcissist.html (EXTRACT) "How to Divorce a Narcissist: Strategies & Example By Anna Drescher Updated on January 23, 2024 Reviewed by Saul McLeod, PhD Ending a marriage can be a painful, grueling process. Bring narcissism into the mix and this process will only become more challenging, exhausting, and emotionally draining. Regardless of who initiates the divorce, your narcissistic partner will likely try to make the split as difficult as possible. A narcissist’s delusional belief in their own grandiosity and superiority can lead them to interpret divorce as a direct challenge to their sense of status and worth. If they feel they are losing control over you, they will do whatever it takes to gain the upper hand. They might use gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, or other psychological tactics to confuse you and make it difficult for you to make clear decisions. Additionally, narcissists typically lack empathy, making it hard for them to understand or care about the emotional impact of their actions on their partners. This lack of empathy coupled with their high-conflict nature and manipulative personality can be emotionally, financially, and physically draining for the spouse seeking divorce. How Do You End a Marriage With a Narcissist? Ending a marriage with a narcissist can be a challenging and emotionally draining process, but here is some ***essential*** advice to consider: ********************** Keep Your Plans Secret ********************** *** Do not tell your partner you are planning to file for divorce. *** *** If they know, they will try to manipulate you into staying. And, if they feel their control over you is in jeopardy, they might become even more aggressive, manipulative, and abusive. ((especially, financially)) *** It is also beneficial to document any instances of abuse, manipulation, or controlling behavior by the narcissist. This evidence may include emails, text messages, social media posts, or any other communication that demonstrates their behavior. ((Insist on non-verbal comms re the kids only, and document EVERYTHING in case you're not yet parley enough to NOTE all of the verbal abuse/antagonism that might well come your way. Your narc-savvy solicitor/lawyer WILL... and so will the Family Court Judge him/herself...they see it EEEVERY day...and now they know what it is, and why.)) *** Educate Yourself on Narcissism *** To understand your narcissistic spouse and how they may react to divorce, educate yourself on narcissism, how to cope with narcissistic behavior, and how to heal from a narcissistic relationship. Rebuild Your Support System Narcissists tend to isolate their spouses from friends and family in order to exert control and induce dependency. If you are planning to leave a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to keep trusted friends or family informed about your situation. You will need as much support as possible – not just for your well-being but also for your safety. Depending on your circumstances, you may also want to consider contacting a domestic abuse organization. If you fear for your safety, take appropriate precautions and do not hesitate to call the police or obtain a restraining order. ((- in case they're severe types. Milder ones will just try to sabotage the divorce process as much as possible and use the kids as pawns to upset you.)) Seek an Experienced Legal Representative If possible, *** find a divorce attorney experienced in dealing with high-conflict divorces and narcissistic individuals ***. A skilled attorney can guide you through the legal process and protect your interests while dealing with the narcissist’s manipulative tactics. *** Expect an Increase in Abusive and Manipulative Behaviors *** ((- it bothers you FAR-far less if you're ready and expecting it, and can see through it - maybe even, not a jot! Knowledge is Painkiller in this game.)) *** Once your partner learns that you are planning to divorce them, they may initially try to win you back through love bombing and hoovering. *** ("Oh, yeah, babies! It's all hot air because, if they were capable of working together to improve things, THEY'D HAVE CHOSEN TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE, BIG-FAT INNIT"....and breeeaathe, lol.) However, when they realize you are moving forward with the split, they can become contentious. hostile, and antagonistic. They might refuse to sign the divorce papers, attempt to ruin your reputation, harass you, or verbally, financially, and/or physically abuse you. Be Prepared Here are some steps you can take to minimize risks during the divorce process: Collect as much evidence of their wrongdoings as possible – you might need it later. Going forward, record conversations and make detailed notes of your interactions. Protect your assets, secure your finances, and safeguard any important documents and valuables If you have a shared bank account, ensure you have cash stowed away. Consider opening a separate bank account that they cannot access. Make arrangements for your children. Develop a parenting plan that prioritizes their needs and minimizes conflict. Minimize direct contact with the narcissistic spouse as much as possible. Try to find a new place to stay during the divorce process. Sign out of your social media and email accounts on all devices and change your passwords. Check your devices, clothes, shoes, and car for trackers. Maintain your composure and avoid reacting emotionally to their provocations. Remember Why You Are Leaving Their efforts to win you back might make you doubt your decision to divorce them. But you must accept that they will never genuinely change." ((And if, somehow, you're wrong - then they can just wait until AFTER the divorce to prove it: by asking to start again from Square One (as two independent, free-minded, free-willed individuals....and let's see if they actually impress you THIS time round! ...and there's another Big-Fat Innit, innit.)) ((Continues - including into detail re. how they behave DURING the divorce)) ______________________________________________ ***But I repeat: the Betrayed spouse and the kids should NOT move out.*** The Family Court will order HIM to, and grant him whatever kid-custody they see fit per specific case. 50 Pence, please, absolutely everybody in the universe, thank-you. ;) (Cor, *I* wish!)

Amazonite, where have you got to? Are you okay?