Neediness & OCD & uncertainty intolerance & relationships

Hello all! I'm a 25 years old male. Let me give you a quick summary of my past and then I'll talk about today. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 or 13. I was afraid of going to hell and in order to deal with this uncertainty I asked people lots of questions, looked up religions that can give me the guarantee that I'll go to heaven or at least I'll be ok that nothing bad is gonna happen when I die. I kind of got rid of this when I was 19 by listening to logical arguments by some skeptics. Now, my biggest problem is the fact that I'm scared of not finding love again. I met with a woman when I was 21 and she was 31. It lasted for 1,5 years. After that I tried finding a girlfriend but couldn't manage it somehow. I'm 25 now and incredibly needy. There're "what if" thoughts on my mind all the time. "What if she doesn't reply to my text? What if we go on a date but then she doesn't want to see me again? What if she misunderstands me kissing her on the cheek?" etc. And probably because of these thoughts I've scared women that I've met away. I kept texting them to get guarantee that if we're gonna certainly meet or to understand that if they're still interested, etc. I just need a guarantee that I'm gonna find a girlfriend. I know that life doesn't give guarantees but I just can't live that way. I also need to know that I'm not cursed or I don't have unluck in my life. I'm scared of being alone forever or finding someone only when I got old. I'm seeing a psychiatrist now. Before him, I've seen many different psychiatrists and psychologists, used lots of meds; none of them worked properly. And some people say that the meds don't cure, they only help you with the symptoms. And that's very discouraging. Doctors say that I still have OCD. In fact it's a resistant OCD. I also have an intolerance to uncertainty. I'm also very needy. When women don't reply to my text, I get highly anxious, those "what if" thoughts start coming into my mind and they leave me paralyzed with fear and anxiety. I have no idea what to do. Any advice? Thanks.

Eventually circumstances will work themselves out to where you have a girlfriend, though it might take a while. It's okay to have certain types in mind, but it is a lot harder to find some ideal partner that checks all of the boxes. I wouldn't spend so much time worrying over "What if's." If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You'll know whether the person is really worth your time and energy. For the ones that aren't, there will be signs. Something I might recommend for better results, which I couldn't for the life of me ever figure out, is putting yourself in a position where you meet the kinds of women you want to meet. I don't have an answer for this, but I wish I did. Maybe I just didn't put myself out there enough, even though I was pretty open to whatever the universe had in mind for me. You need to take more initiative than I did, and get out more - go to parties, or concerts, or conventions where you might meet people with things in common, but don't expect anything and go with the main goal of having a good time. If you want to meet smarter women, then maybe it pays to be a smarter and more successful guy - do your best to better yourself and your career and read and think about what you've read a lot. If you want to meet healthier or more attractive women, maybe try to work out regularly and be active at the gym. These are, by no means, foolproof plans... But it's just thoughts off the top of my head about ways in which you might improve the kinds of women who respond to you. But most importantly, and I can't stress this enough - be happy single. In some ways, being single and independent is great. And you don't have to consider a partner and their wishes in everything you do like you would if you were with someone. You can live your life how you want to live it. You can also flirt with whomever you'd like, guilt-free! On the subject of OCD and psychologists and psychiatrists and meds... Talking to people about things can help, but usually it really depends on the person you're talking to and how good the feedback they give you is, and with some therapists I've noticed that most of what I get out of the whole exchange is just me talking and venting for an hour or whatever. I have never noticed any differences with any meds I've been on, though possibly some concerning side-effects that went away when I switched to something else. I think meds are more or less a sugar-pill solution to real problems, and I don't think all of those problems are internal ones. Listen to yourself - if you don't think it's helping, and you're tired of wasting money and scheduling monthly appointments that you're not getting much out of, then drop it. Just my ten cents.

I am sorry that you have been suffering so much for so long. All that you shared in your letter is clearly heartbreaking and confusing, exhausting you. But I also sense a real fire in you. Your soul is giving you power that you can use to help heal yourself with the right choices, with the right intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs, and experiences. I find myself wondering who you were when you weren’t having to manage all that is on your mind. Who were you as a child? What was your personality like? What were your interests? What made you happy? What did you care about? The first 5-10 years of our lives create POWERFUL roots in our lives that want to live. There are connections in your life, trees in your life, that want to be fed water and sunlight, truth and love, more intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs, and experiences, more LIFE. I think that a lot of bad experiences have led you to lose sight of who you are and what life is and can be for you. If you ask yourself, WHO AM I? You will SEE who you are, and you will BE who you are. You will grow your true self and thereby you will grow true confidence in yourself. With confidence you will be an entirely different person. Once you have confidence in yourself you will take control over your life and start leading your life in entirely different ways, with so much more achievement, happiness and peace. I don’t think that you have formed your definitions of life. Last year I found the words that defined what LIFE and LIVING is to me. Our individual lives are made up of CONNECTIONS, all of our intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs and experiences. Life is the discovery of truth and the constant pursuit of freedom and peace. We were born with connections We absorb connections We connect connections We radiate connections We release connections I am full of connections that want to be alive. I am full of connections that want to be poured out. The world is full of connections that I want to be connected with. Is all EVERYONE is doing is connecting their lives with connections having one experience after another until death. So, what do you want to experience? You can spend your time here on earth being dragged around from experience to experience, or you can spend your time connecting truth and love, light, letting it hold you and guide you. You have always been and you will always be more or less God’s puppet. He can have better plans for you if you let him possess you more by making ‘the right choices’. By filling yourself up with truth and love, light. By living honestly. By living gratefully. By living carefully. By living meaningfully. By living securely. By living peacefully. My life has in many ways been one horror movie after another but my life has been and will be full of WONDERFUL experiences and that is because I make CHOICES with my life that lead me to have wonderful experiences. I BELIEVE in a lot of different things. I BE ALIVE in many different things. I POUR MY ENERGY into many different things. I FEEL THE POWER OF TRUTH AND LOVE, LIGHT, in many different experiences. I be alive in… dancing almost every single day I be alive in… nature I be alive in… the weather I be alive in… writing and singing sing songs that express what is in my heart and mind I be alive in… cleaning and decorating my beautiful house I be alive in… listening to music I be alive in… watching movies I be alive in… solving problems I be alive in.. philosophy I be alive in.. psychology I be alive in.. debating (on paper, alone) I be alive in… fashion I be alive in… food I be alive in… a Carebear world We each get to choose what we believe in, in this world that is full of all kinds of wonderful choices. We each get to create our own school, choosing and designing our own courses. We each get to create our own ladders of secured experiences that lead us to enlightenment, PEACE. Step outside of your life for some time and look at life from a completely fresh perspective. You have come to this planet to have some experiences for some time. What do you want to explore, learn about, and do? I really love my independence. I don’t want a relationship unless I find someone that naturally inspires me bringing out the best in me, and that naturally supports my peace. Your ‘neediness’ can’t feel good. I was surprised at how honest you were in your letter, saying how needy you are. How does it make you FEEL to be so needy? I think that you skipped over asking yourself that question leading yourself to accommodate to it and expect others to accommodate to it. If you had stopped to ask yourself how it makes you feel to be so needy, you might have then said to yourself, ‘It doesn’t feel good to be needy, it feels terrible!!’. And that would have led you to decide that you don’t want to feel that way anymore. And that would have led you to ask yourself, ‘How DO I want to feel?’. And that would have led you to say, ‘More confident, secure, independent..’ And that might have led you to ask and discover answers to…. what will help you feel more confident, secure, and independent. You would start noticing people that clearly ARE and try to learn what they are doing right. You would notice that there are a countless number of films that were created with almost the sole purpose of teaching everyone how to live with more security, freedom and peace. You see, we have to have a connection to have a connection. We have to define our thoughts and feelings so that we can do something about our thoughts and feelings. We have to ask ourselves the right questions. And the most important questions that we need to ask ourselves on a very regular basis are. HOW DO I FEEL? WHAT ARE MY THOUGHTS? WHAT ARE MY NEEDS? WHAT ARE MY CHOICES? Always WANTING TO FEEL MORE FREEDOM AND PEACE. I wonder what your actual LIFE looks like. Do you want to see what your life looks like in front of you, so that you can help yourself manage your life? If you do, take a piece of paper and write at the top of it… WHAT DOES MY LIFE LOOK LIKE? What is in my head these days? What are my INTENTIONS, THOUGHTS, WORDS, ACTIONS, FEELINGS, BELIEFS, ACTIONS, EXPERIENCES? Take days, weeks, your entire life to gather answers to these questions. Also, take another piece of paper and write at the top of it… WHAT DO I WANT MY LIFE TO BE? Who was I when I was a child? What is in me to be? What CAN my intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs, and experiences be? In this world where everyone has their own reality, in this world where people are in and out of different realities… What reality do I choose for myself, just myself, independent me? So far there are 4 PROJECTS that I have suggested to you in this letter that I know will serve you well. I AM MY ROOTS I BE ALIVE IN MY LIFE IS FULL OF I WANT MY LIFE TO BE FULL OF From here there are a countless number of possibilities, projects that you can lead yourself to create for yourself. You want and need DEFINITIONS to pour your life into. I just heard a song that I am going to add to my list of songs that secure my definition of what a relationship is, helping me stay on my tracks, helping me grow my gardens of belief. It is BANKS by Jordan Davis and NEEDTO BREATHE. Do you have a list of songs that help guide you through life that you can believe in? There is a wonderful project for you to do. Be a kind of curator, a gatherer of art that supports your heart and mind. You will have a better chance on being on great tracks, having great times, loving your life. When you love your life, you will have a better chance at being loved. When you love your life, it won’t matter if someone doesn’t like you. You’re busy with your life, doing what you do. What is the true definition of a friend? A rope that comes to an end is called a FREY. A friend is someone that keeps our strings of life alive, moving forward and free, with truth and love light. A friend has connections for our connections. A friend has good and caring intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs and experiences, for our intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs and experiences. A friend CONTRIBUTES to our lives. A friend shares their life with us, their ‘way’s, their ‘choices in life’ for us to enjoy and maybe learn from. You can’t be a great friend to another until you learn and practice how to be a friend to yourself. Connect your life, with the connections you need that will lead you to feel good and have good times. Make some friends over time, maybe there will be a friend that wants to share more and more time with you, that you want to spend more and more time with too… leading up to a relationship. This world is in need of PRINCE’S. This world is in need of men that are flowing with so much truth and love, light, security and peace… that they have the power to break curses, break the connections that get in the way of our soul’s ability to breathe, the connections that damn us. You CAN raise yourself to be a prince. You need to define what a prince truly is. You must BE yourself and free yourself. You must take care of your NEEDS. (Create your own book called ‘to be healthy I need..’) You must define your thoughts and feeling bring you peace. (Journal every day) You must believe in and be present in all of your ‘here and now’s, not worried about the past or future. You must CARE about all kinds of things connecting your life with all kinds of truth. You must lead yourself to enlightenment with complete self awareness and the desire to feel peace. And you CAN. Believe it and you will achieve it.

Logic9, Maybe it's NOT O.C.D.? Maybe the OCD is but a SYMPTOM? ...Of General Anxiety Disorder?...where one worries about things in the future, that MIGHT happen. Psych Fact: They rarely do happen. Today is the very Future that Past You used to fear or worry about. How scary IS it? It might be uncomfortable but, chances are, you're not where you feared/worried you would or might be, are you? Psych Fact: it's harder to AVOID ever having a romantic relationship than to find one/have one find you/have Fate throw you and she (or he/they/them/it, gaah...). Medication is supposed to be a step-stool. For when you can't reach because, for whatever reason, your leggies are too short...e.g. you're stuck, bent double after an acute or chronic/accumulative trauma, or, say, they were never given the proper room to grow. Anxiety Disorder has to be treated from multiple angles (holistically). Not because any measure is ineffective on its own, but because having Anxiety is a beeping living NIGHTMARE, AAAAAARGH!, and needs to be stopped URGENTLY! Been there, done that. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I would rather live for that long with a toothache! At least toothache doesn't feel like some invisible demon, out to get you, that you can't shake. Actually, I'd rather have neither but you get my point. I personally recommend Cytalopram, it's beeping brilliant (no side-effects, hence is nowadays "The" No. anti-anxiety med). But, for-now, I suggest you start googling about General Anxiety Disorder and see if provides you any level of Eureka moment? Let me know if you have trouble finding links. From a spiritual growth angle, however: this could be simply what was on your life's agenda...a Rite Of Passage. Because when you come OUT of that very dark and utterly, mysteriously, seemingly irrationally-terrifying (just to make things worse!) tunnel - WOW, do you feel strong and powerful AND ELATED ("Par-tay!"). It IS worth it in the end. But there is so much you can do to bring it down to a comfortable level, WITHOUT drugs. You have to accommodate it, accept it, listen to people like me who say - This too shall pass - ...that just because you can't see the light at the end of that tunnel, that doesn't mean it's not there nor alter the fact that it damn well is. Go google all about when a caterpillar enters the pupae stage, then wakes up to find itself trapped in god knows that or where. (Sounding and feeling familiar?) Oh, boy, does it struggle....for bloooooody AGES. This is a psychological version of childbirth (New You) and you just need to know how to handle it, cope with it, and bear with....Have Faith. The trick IS - to make it your Project. That way, you get control over It, as opposed to, now, it having control over you. It can be fun and interesting if you let it. E.g. trying out loads of new foods (ones known to attack Anxiety)....including (wait for it)....CHOCOLATE! :))))))) The BAD news is that, no matter what everyday life throws at you - THESE days, we've evolved too far NOT to survive/come out of it, better, stronger and wiser, come what may. Our programming won't allow us not to. (Complain to Management In The Sky.) However, the one spanner in the works every time, is: FEAR. Too frightened to continue living. Too frightened, even, to wake up in the morning because you never know if or how soon your fear and dread and all the psychophysiological sensations that go with it - your Black & Scary Cloud - will suddenly for-no-reason OR for-reason, descend (and ruin ANOTHER effing day). So it's good to keep a diary of Paralysed & Miserable days, to identify your personal rhythm and thereby get to work AROUND it. Any of this and/or Balance and/or Chickadee's (superb!) posts chiming with you anywhere? PS: I think it's probably safe to say, virtually EVERYONE that comes here has experienced Anxiety and Panic Attacks (acute or slow-burning ones), so you're in good company.

If you are to have a girlfriend one thing about her should be that you feel you can trust her. When I met my husband I did not know he had this anxiety thing going. Usually people who have like ADHD, people with shorts fuels, tended to like me because I was seen as calm. So when he needed reasurement I would reasure but I could only do it so much. Too I am organized in some ways but not all and me not being as organized as he was was then something he needed to learn had nothing to do with my feelings for him. This ocd was something someone I worked with had too but I was my usual calm self back then, would simply reasure, but everyone else was loosing it. I am too somebody who will state things how I see them. I did that early on on a date with him and thought for sure I was done with, that the date was over with, that I was too honest. I have heard before that I would say things other only dared to think but hey someone had to say it, right? I remember he took his knife and for down. He paused. He said later he found it refreshing. He answered. Me being the way I was made him trust me back then so I did not know in the future how bad the OCD would strike and I could no longer cope having anxiety myself by then. We have worked on not jumping back on the same train, him resisting the need for reasurements to the degree he used to but that we keep certains like station, where the train stop,if you think of it like that. So for exemple two certain times during the day we have agreed to have contact through the Phone and then we will meet up later. I think the first period, and period too if you two would be going through something, problems, would be when your OCD will be at its worst stages. It is uncertain time for everyone the first period, can be like heaven and hell shifting. What other s written here is great.