Grief and Cheating.

Hello, I hope you're doing well. Here’s the situation: I’m 25 years old. I’m writing to you because I’ve been through a lot in the past few months and I need to talk about it. On January 21st, my maternal grandfather passed away from cardiac arrest at 68 years old. It was my first time experiencing grief, and I took it very badly. Then, on March 20th, my maternal grandmother passed away as well, from a stroke, at 70 years old. It was another huge shock. Then, on April 19th, a week after my birthday, my paternal grandmother passed away. Her death was more “expected” because she had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for over ten years and had been in a nursing home for eight years. She hadn’t recognized us for a long time, but she was the grandmother I was closest to, and losing her really shook me. What made it even harder was that we had to wait ten days before the funeral because of the crematorium and church availability. Those ten days felt so long and painful. On top of all that, there were big problems with my father’s family. They criticized my sister and me, insulted us for no valid reason. For example, they reject my sister because she’s a lawyer, saying that lawyers defend criminals and that it’s not a respectable profession. As for me, I’m studying to become a legal assistant, and that’s not acceptable to them either because I’m still “in the law.” From what I’ve heard, it’s actually my cousin who’s causing problems. It’s extremely hard to deal with grief while also having family members who don’t respect you. For example, we had all chosen songs for my grandmother’s funeral, but the two songs my sister and I had picked were removed from the ceremony. On top of all this, my parents argue all the time. They haven’t loved each other for a long time and should have divorced already. My father blames my mother for not being there for him during his grief, but he himself wasn’t there for my mother’s losses earlier this year and in March. They constantly criticize and fight, unable to support each other. During those ten days, my father’s family, who had come from Lyon and were causing problems, stayed the whole time. My father insisted we see them because, for him, “that side of the family” came before the four of us: my sister, my mother, him, and me. It was such a tough ordeal, and everyone suffered. But today, I also found out something else. I looked at my father’s phone because I had a bad feeling, and I discovered that he’s cheating on my mother. This isn’t the first time: when I was 15, he was already contacting escorts. I told my mother back then. He swore they were just messages, that he never went any further, but I didn’t believe him because I had already caught him before without saying anything. When I exposed him, it caused huge fights, and my mother never trusted him again. He still holds it against me today for telling the truth, blaming me for looking at his phone and for talking about it, as if it were my fault. Recently, while we were staying at our vacation home to try and recover from everything, I saw messages where he invited someone to come over, with winking emojis and very suggestive messages. He had renamed the contact “St Yriex” and deleted their conversations. My sister also found out things: when she went to pick up a package at Sephora, they gave her a parcel my father had ordered—a perfume that wasn’t for my mother, or for me, or for my sister. He took the package, but we’ve never seen that perfume at home, and my sister is convinced he gave it to someone else. She also told me that when I was younger, she had once caught him sending heart emojis to another woman and had confronted him about it. This behavior has been going on for a long time. My sister says she doesn’t know what to do. On one hand, if I tell, she thinks my mother will stay anyway, that nothing will change, and that I’ll just get yelled at again. She says it’s their responsibility, not ours. But on the other hand, I’m struggling with the fact that my mother keeps calling him affectionate names, pretending in front of others, while at home they’re always fighting and saying they hate each other. I still live with them while I finish my studies because I can’t afford to move out, so it’s really hard to distance myself from all this. My mother doesn’t know anything. It’s also important to know that my mother is visually impaired, so she can’t see, she can’t know who my father is talking to. I feel like my father is kind of taking advantage of her disability. So, should I add this “revelation” to everything we’re already going through, with all the grief? Are we ready for that? I really don’t know. I just needed an outside opinion, from someone who doesn’t know my father, my mother, my sister, or me, to tell me what I should do. It’s really weighing on me to act like nothing’s happening. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Wishing you a very good day or evening. I'm not English sorry if my grammar is wrong.

Greetings Shade, Wow. Well that situation is seriously a doozy. I want to start by saying I'm sorry for your recent losses. Three grandparents dying in the span of roughly 3 months, that's pretty hard to imagine. It's almost to the day, even. I had been meaning to read over this topic and see if I could offer feedback before today, but this is the first time I'm getting the chance to. Your father and his family are sounding like a constant source of grief in your life, at least based off of this post. Did your father actually say that his side of the family came before all of you? That's pretty low. On the subject of your father's family... Well, what's done is done, I guess. Your grandmother is gone, and regardless of how much it hurts that you were closest to her, your overbearing family on that side was always going to take control of that funeral. What matters is, you loved her when she was here. And those ten, long days where you had to walk on eggshells while his family stayed there are at least over and have passed now. I will say that I have somewhat limited experience with the loss of family members. When I lost my one grandmother, it didn't quite land since I was detached from that side of my family most of my life. She had not taken very good care of herself over the years anyway, so I guess nobody was really surprised when she died. When my other grandmother died, in more recent years, I think I already kind of accepted that she was barely "there" anymore, anyway. I can almost kind of point back to this one phone call I had with her as maybe the last time we spoke when she was still "all there." I almost want to hold off giving my take on the situation with your dad and mom, until after I see what other people have to say. It's too bad you don't have other living situation options. Is it something you're sure you can't change? I'll check back another time.

Hi Shade - are you still there?