I feel abandoned after standing up for my boundaries with a friend

It’s been over a month since “P,” one of my best friends, crossed my boundary. I had opened up to him about painful things—abandonment issues and hyper-sexuality after my breakup, sexual trauma, self-harm, drug use, and the shame I carry from all of it. I rarely open up, but he and another close friend, “J,” always encouraged me to share instead of keeping it all in. Our friend group, which formed back in college, loves dark humor, and I’ve always been part of that, but I told P clearly that he could joke about anything except painful experiences. The first time he crossed the line, making a joke about my breakup, I told him how hurt I felt. He apologized, and I let it go. Later, when I confided in him again during a bad spiral, he called me a “wh*re,” said I was stressing him out, but told me I should open up, and made suggestive comments. He brushed the first comment off as a joke. A few weeks later, he sent me a meme mocking “perverted women,” referencing what I had shared. That’s when I snapped and called him out for disrespecting my boundaries again. He apologized and left the ball in my court, but it felt more like “sorry you’re upset” than real accountability—especially when he said joking is just his coping mechanism. My therapist said that it was bullying. Since then, I’ve been struggling. My social anxiety has worsened. I lost someone I once felt safe with. I started cutting again, screaming, hitting myself, and having flashbacks. I pulled away to process things, but the pain lingers. P has always been the glue in our group, and J—who used to be my closest friend in it—has grown distant. I still try to reach out to him, but he barely replies unless I follow up. I know he’s really busy, and I feel guilty for venting, but it still hurts—especially since he seems to empathize with me, yet still gives P the benefit of the doubt. Weeks later, I found out that P, J, and the rest of our group met up without me. I wasn’t invited. J told me they missed me, but stopped replying when I tried to talk more. It’s like standing up for myself made me disposable—even if it seemed like the others don’t know what happened. I messaged P recently just to check in, as I want to let go of the negativity and not to fight but he never responded. I don’t understand how this happened. I never did anything malicious. I’ve always been there for P and J as they did for me. But now I feel excluded, unsafe, and ashamed—like I only belong if I stay agreeable and quiet. It’s painful and frustrating that I’m the one being “punished” for asking to be treated with basic respect. These were friends I truly valued—people I’ve known since college, a time I look back on with so much fondness and now I feel like I’m losing them for simply standing up for myself.

Hi Gnarly, I think the big issue here is you are relying too much on this group. Maybe back in college you all had balanced group dynamics, but people grow and change. I'd say it's fine to continue speaking with all or any of these people from your group that you'd like to stay in contact with, but I wouldn't view your friendships the same as they were "back then." Also, I would maybe not open up to these people as much as you have been. Clearly you and P don't see eye to eye on some things, and he doesn't respect your boundaries. That's someone who I would suggest maybe not having any really deep conversations with, or sharing too deeply with. So I'm guilty of oversharing on occasion - it might be a little obvious from some of my posts and responses here on Peoples' Problems. I can maybe relate to some of your situation: At my old job I had two or three coworkers who I became friends with after a couple of months of working together in the same department. I think these were some of the most genuine friendships I've ever had in my life. We went to lunch together, hung out after work sometimes, and went to the mall and other places on our days off. One of them actually came to my wedding (that didn't last) and I went to theirs. Most of these friendships kind of fizzled out over the years as they grew distant and changed departments, or found other jobs. There was one friend who was a constant for most of those years, and in fact who I still keep in touch with to this day. This guy has generally been easygoing and accepting of me from the beginning, and he has also lived a fairly well-rounded life with lots of friends and seems to be easily accepted by new people he interacts with - something I rarely am. Since it seemed like he had his shit together better than most people, I started opening up to him more and went to him when I sought advice or to vent. And for the most part he's always been a good friend for stuff like that, though as the years have gone on I've opened up and vented quite a bit less. I guess every so often I would be bothered by his negative traits - the competitiveness, the way he puts down anything he doesn't care about but will take every chance he gets to talk about things he is passionate about, and I guess these days the way I'm noticing his questionable perspective on issues. But for the most part I still appreciate his patience with me in those times when I probably seemed cringey or bothersome, and the way he didn't really let things ruin his respect for me as a person. Eventually, we found ourselves in our own friend group, with several other current and former coworkers, and friends-of-coworkers. We'd all hang out for lunch and after work, and sometimes everyone would go meet up at one guy's place because he had his own home and it was close to where we worked. It was admittedly a lot of fun, and for a while I guess I felt like I had more friends than I really did in that group. The reality was that I often didn't get invited to hang out a lot of times, too. I realize now that it's probably because I lived farther into the city, while the people in the group who lived closer to the suburbs (most of the group) kind of did their own thing a lot of the time. I also don't think I would have gotten an invite a lot of those times if my friend wasn't also going and I wasn't conveniently right there at work with them that day. The problem with friend groups is that a lot of the time they devolve into a popularity contest, based on which members of the group vibe together the best and, most importantly, are the most entertaining or fun. People who the group feels don't add enough to the mix are kind of sidelined a lot, as though they're the members of a sports team who could never really make those big plays. It's funny, because you'd think by having this group of friends that hangs out together that somehow you'd get along well, or at least better than with general society. Instead what happens is, friend groups become this miniature version of society, complete with its spaces for the prom Kings and Queens, court jesters, and the outcasts. Or at least this was my experience. Maybe there really is some group of buddies that is some true-to-life version of the sitcom Friends. I tend to think that's the exception more than the norm. Friend groups offer us some sense of belonging, but a rather shallow one. It's hard to judge your entire character based off of this post, since this person was disrespectful about your personal issues. For all I know maybe you're a popular and entertaining member of your friend group yourself. But I'm taking things at face-value, and it just seems like you're a more serious person while P, and maybe a few of your other friends, are a little immature about things. Or maybe you are too serious about things, and can't loosen up at all in the group, and it's the opposite issue? Not that I'm making that accusation, mind you, but I like to examine things from all sides when I can. It's at least worth considering whether maybe you're taking things too seriously. Once again I'll reiterate - I wouldn't rely too much on your friend group, or put too much on any single person, either. Since I moved away years ago, I stopped hearing from all the other members of my friend group. Some of these people had my phone number, the very same number I still have... They just never reached out again. They stay in regular or semi-regular contact with the sole friend I still have from those days. But they may as well be from another dimension now. I tried to approach a lot of those coworkers as someone with an open mind, but none of them really appreciated what I had to offer. They didn't want deep or lasting friendship, they just wanted someone to make them laugh, or someone who fit in with their overall sense of style. Perhaps your college friends all just want an audience to bounce dark comments off of and get laughs from, and aren't too concerned about feelings or anything beyond that.

(Schmokinnnnnnnn...!) (PS: thanks so much again/even more for your inputs, Balance. Now got massive practical problems atop of the grief...Mmmmehh. Were it not for you, I wouldn't have coped these last few weeks.) Gnarly, Quick second opinion: "I told P clearly that he could joke about anything except painful experiences. The first time he crossed the line, making a joke about my breakup, I told him how hurt I felt. He apologized, and I let it go. Later, when I confided in him again during a bad spiral, he called me a “wh*re,” said I was stressing him out, but told me I should open up, and made suggestive comments. He brushed the first comment off as a joke. A few weeks later, he sent me a meme mocking “perverted women,” referencing what I had shared. That’s when I snapped and called him out for disrespecting my boundaries again. He apologized and left the ball in my court, but it felt more like “sorry you’re upset” than real accountability—especially when he said joking is just his coping mechanism. My therapist said that it was bullying." What a bunch of Plastique Fantastiques...and (I agree with your therapist) what a wholly spiteful ahole that bully-boy is. That is soooo nasty. And worse for his trying to pass his nastiness/confidence-destroying pecking off as comedy fodder. For his info: jokes, BOTH parties find funny. So - Uuuuugh! (*sprays Anti-Narc Aerosol) (Benign narc, btw, but, still painful enough). Narc worldview: what's on your outsides outranks what's on your insides (wronggggggg way roooound...as uuuuusual, yawn,...but that's because they're inside-out/back-to-front). Also, strangers get "best foot forward" while those closest to them get their bad moods and issues taken-out on them on a recurrent basis. But even if they weren't "benign" niffies - I agree wholly with Balance. I mean, ignoring the fact this is an understatement in your case: they're not at all compatible with you. "My social anxiety has worsened. I lost someone I once felt safe with. I started cutting again, screaming, hitting myself, and having flashbacks." Ooh, no, we can't have that. Don't hurt your only lifelong friend like that (you); she's not the one deserves to be hit and screamed at...you know she's not. And that translates as, you behaving narcissistically abusively TO YOURSELF. Officially, the victim is said to continue the Narc's abuse FOR them, in their absence. Don't give him that satisfaction. From what I can gather: everyone here has been in your boat, including me. First-off, don't worry. As opposed to that of Normal Relationship breakdowns - healing from narc-style bullying is a whole other kettle of fish. It hurts WAY more (ten times enough for ya?) and freaks you out. It's just the type of healing, one you've maybe not experience (or to that degree) before. Feels so traumatic. But it's an illusion. You just need to wake up and climb off of his/that group's Matrix - which takes time and venting (to the degree that friends aren't equipped for). So do stick around and continue posting with Balance and/or myself. You're not alone - okay? ((((((((PARENTAL HUG)))))))))

And well done for sticking to your boundary guns, btw (*thumps chest twice in allegiance). You have just qualified to receive better friends (once you've finished healing enough). Literally qualified. (Shame the certificate is invisible, but, hey-ho - here you go anyway........) Seriously, you've no idea how rare you are; most people fold and put up with it, while, meanwhile, real neurological and physical damage is being done. So in fact, you HAVE climbed off his/their matrix. You're 'just' (- HAH!) shocked, disorientated and in disbelief at the sudden Reality-Crash. Don't be frightened at outdated bodily signalling systems that react as if you're being chased by a horror-film-style monster. Again, it's an artificial state of mind...and we can talk you down. Forgot to ask: Have you seen your G.P./doctor and are you on any anxiolytic? If not - DO! They know aaaaalll about narc-abuse trauma and injury (they see it every bloody day and always have done), and anti-anxiety tablets these days are FAB (zero side-effects). They'll calm you down massively. RSVP on this score, please?

Gnarly...? Don't you want to keep posting with us?