What should I do if I found my father watching porn?

A week ago I was taking a picture from my father's phone and accidentally deleted it. When I went to restore it from the recently deleted folder, it was filled with approx 20-30 pictures of completely naked women engaging in sexual acts. I was shocked and closed it instantly. I then later went back to it and saw that these were screenshots of videos on porn sites and they were for sure from his phone because I could see his notif bar in one of the screenshots. Now this has happened before once where I saw a picture in his gallery and I gave him the benefit of doubt because it was 1 photo and I thought someone or a spam contact might've shared it on WhatsApp. This was altogether different. I then went to see if these sites were in his browsing history and they were - the timestamps of the screenshots and searches matched. I feel disgusted and can't view him the same way ever again. Him and my mother have been married for a long time (we're 2 kids) and they seem to have a good relation with each other despite occasional disagreements here and there. I feel like him watching porn is highly unfaithful to my mother. We're also a Muslim family so this behavior is not at all normal as it is in Western contexts. I can't talk about this with anyone, if I talk to my mother or sibling I fear it'll affect their relationship with him. I don't have it in me to directly confront him, it'll be super awkward and I'll feel bad because he'll be ashamed or he might get defensive, I can't say. I also can't discuss this with my friends since I don't want them to perceive him in a certain way. I just feel horrible and if I do try to avoid encounters with him it doesn't work because we're a slightly close knit family and everyone's expected to eat together, spend family time, but I really don't want to see him so I've just been quiet for the past few days. My mother is starting to notice this though and has been asking what's the problem. I say everything's fine but she doesn't believe me. I know I might be overreacting but this is just making me feel like shit. I keep on thinking what if he perceives my friends in the same way when they come over or what if he sees every woman like this. He also occasionally goes out extremely late at night to watch sports matches etc. at his friend's house and now I'm also wondering what if it's not a friend. I don't know, am I overthinking, what do I do.

Your dad isn't a legend even though kids tend to put their fathers up on a pedestal; rather he's a human being & if he looks at porn, then that's his business. How did you happen to have his phone in the first place? & if he gave you the go ahead to use it, did he not think he'd have something to hide from you? In any case, how do you know if your mum doesn't know about it as she may well support it or just put up with it to keep the peace? Just because you guys are Muslim doesn't mean a thing as your father has made choices, has he not?? & watching porn is pretty much acceptable nearly everywhere, although that doesn't excuse it if it's abused. As your post states, you can't say anything as you don't know how people will react, so it's best to drop it & accept it without judging. Sure, you're feeling disgusted, but you're over reacting about him viewing your friends in the same way & unless he's disrespectful to them in actions etc, you really can't judge him. You're trying to protect your family & others from this knowledge, including yourself, but it's none of your business what your dad has on his phone...& having porn on his phone doesn't make him a bad person either. Either way, you need to get your head up, accept it & get on with it or tell your mum as it's dragging you down & she'll eventually find out if you reckon you guys are close knit.

Hi Mountaindeer! "I feel like him watching porn is highly unfaithful to my mother." Me too. "We're also a Muslim family so this behavior is not at all normal as it is in Western contexts." IOW, it's considered highly unacceptable, particularly from a married man. "I can't talk about this with anyone, if I talk to my mother or sibling I fear it'll affect their relationship with him. I don't have it in me to directly confront him, it'll be super awkward and I'll feel bad because he'll be ashamed or he might get defensive, I can't say. I also can't discuss this with my friends since I don't want them to perceive him in a certain way." Of course you don't - you're not certain enough that he's aware he's (from a wife's POV) committing a marital 'crime': disloyalty (sleeping vicariously and promiscuously with multiple other women), adultery-by-proxy ("forsaking all others"), disrespecting the institution of marriage and/or his wife's sensitivities plus the fact if you were able to discover it as easily as you did, then, so could she. Let's be honest - it's bloody sleazy and, in my opinion, immature (meant for younger, single men). But we don't know - it could be an addiction he formed prior to meeting your mother which is nowadays too hard-set to tear himself away from, in which case it's not disloyalty/adultery once-removed, it's 'just' an addiction. "I just feel horrible" Well, then, that just proves you're sane and normal (for a sensitive, conscientious type) (and PS: sensitivity and higher-than-average intellegence go hand-in-hand). "and if I do try to avoid encounters with him it doesn't work because we're a slightly close knit family and everyone's expected to eat together, spend family time, but I really don't want to see him so I've just been quiet for the past few days." Pretend you suspect you're coming down with something/fighting something off. While you don't know what his problem actually is or where it begins and ends, this'll not only buy you thinking/discussing it through time, but also saves you from blowing the whistle prematurely when it may not be necessary. I wouldn't take so much responsibility for him, though. He's not your kid (despite he's not as enlightened and mature as you in this regard) (GenZ are you?), and it's up to HIM how he gets perceived ("deeds maketh the man"). On the other hand, it IS supposed to be his private life. On the third hand (haha), it clearly wasn't treated by HIM as all that private, was it. (Or did he, whether consciously or subconsciously, WANT you to see it and say something to your mum - e.g. she's been disinterested in that way for a bit too long, doesn't respond to his attempts to improve the situation, and this might get her sitting up to attention and putting more effort into their love-life?...not that this is how a mature man would deal with it...so we're still coming back full-circle to, not very grown-up for a grown man with two kids.) (I'm always suspicious when something so potentially incendiary is 'whoops!'-too carelessly left lying around, especially when today's technology makes safeguarding something shameful from other eyes perfectly easy to do (including your own child). "My mother is starting to notice this though and has been asking what's the problem. I say everything's fine but she doesn't believe me. I know I might be overreacting but this is just making me feel like shit." No, I don't think you ARE overreacting. Me, I would just get him alone and say: "When you lent me your phone the other week, I found your porn stash" AND NOTHING ELSE... let HIM do all the talking while you study his reaction/response. "I keep on thinking what if he perceives my friends in the same way when they come over or what if he sees every woman like this." Uh-huh, I know what you're saying. It's effing worrying....'Is my dad a perv or sex-pest' is what any empath would wonder in your position. And that is not a question you ever dreamed you'd have to pose to yourself, is it. So this is bound to have 'thrown you' or 'knocked you for-six'. "He also occasionally goes out extremely late at night to watch sports matches etc. at his friend's house and now I'm also wondering what if it's not a friend. I don't know, am I overthinking, what do I do." Yeh. There it is... If all that were going on were, you found his porn stash, I would be less suspicious. Oh! No - wait! You say - AT HIS 'FRIEND'S' house. (Again, presumably a vampire? Or are we talking watching sports matches on Sky TV?) How come this friend doesn't ever come to YOUR house to watch (all of) these *sports matches (-nice and vague, look...have you asked him WHICH sport(s)?) Are important/big event sports matches aired so late at night in your country, anyway?... or are we talking match repeats?

PS: "My mother is starting to notice this though and has been asking what's the problem. I say everything's fine but she doesn't believe me. I know I might be overreacting but this is just making me feel like shit." This in itself speaks volumes. If I asked my (GenZ) son more than once and he insisted he was fine, I would accept that there was something he didn't feel comfortable confiding in *me* about. The fact she's kept pushing tells me SHE SUSPECTS SOMETHING TOO AND IS DESPERATE FOR SOMEONE TO CHECK HER OWN SUSPICIONS ABOUT. Put it this way: she's obviously the one you got your spidey senses from thus most likely has noticed your vibe-change around your dad AND 'smelt' your sense of betrayal, making putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4, for her, fairly do-able. See what I'm saying? If she asks you again, say, 'Well, you clearly think you have an idea of what my mental dilemma IS about if you keep rejecting my answer so - you tell ME what you think the problem is! In other words: stop, the PAIR of you, trying to drag ME - your CHILD - into your marital problems if your method is going to be so passive bloody aggressive; I am NOT yours and father's tool-come-messenger! You shouldn't have been 'passively allowed' to stumble upon it to begin with. He KNEW he was lending you his phone, and what was on it and was so 'findable'. He should have delayed you a bit while putting it 'out of reach' so that there'd have been ZERO chance. ...or, get the two together in the same room as you and POINT to the elephant that's been PUT in your room by telling them that your Couples Counselling Service will cost them (whatever currency equivalent of) one-hundred-and-twenty Pounds Per Hour, thank-you-very-much :p. (Sticky-outie-tongue optional.) I don't care if he's Father Christmas and she's the Virgin sodding Mary - you, don't have to be respectful back to people who are disrespecting YOU. DON'T become their 'parent', though. (That costs extra! :pppp)

Aaaaaand ANOTHER thing!... Why isn't your mother discussing her concerns about what might be up with YOU, with your father/her husband?!...whereby HE - even just the ONCE - has approached you to say your mother's wondering what's up, and trying asking you HIMSELF?! It's very common for a mother to say to her husband, 'Me, I'm getting nowhere - YOU try asking him, see if he'll open up to YOU'. See? It's not just what they're doing, it's also what they're FAILING to do. Either she hasn't confided in him OR she daren't because - like I say up there - she thinks she knows the answer already! Seeing it?

And one more... Another option is: You ask to borrow his phone again and go in and delete THE LOT! That then puts HIM in a position. Does he dare ask you if you found and deleted his porn stash or does HE start to walk on eggshells around YOU from now on ("dann-dann-DAAANNNN!"). Haha...(David Attenborough whisper:)....'And HERE!...we have theee.....Beta Male...a-PPROACH-ing...the..tired!.. old Alpha...which..is...to CHALLENGE...his POSITION...oooof.......superiority'. Remember: he started it and he asked for it. :p PS: Quite a few options for action there, huh? :) Gosh, which one will you choose? (Feeling less helpless yet?)

I honestly don't think viewing porn is a serious issue, unless it becomes an obsession or the person veers off into viewing really questionable types of porn. Soulmate and I must disagree on this one, but I personally don't think it's disrespectful to one's partner to view pornography. And I get that in Muslim cultures this behavior might be considered wrong, but humans are humans. I would just stay out of it. It's not harming anyone. Honestly, I can kind of relate because I've got a pretty strong suspicion my father smoked pot for the last several decades and hid it from my mom. ...And then turned around and acted like a hypocrite about it. It kind of made me mad sometimes, but whatever. I'm not the marijuana police, and you're not the porn police. As for whether your father lies about other stuff... Well, who knows. I guess if you have pretty good evidence that your father might be cheating on your mother, then you'd probably want to present that evidence to her. But if the dude's just watching porn I wouldn't get involved.

"I honestly don't think viewing porn is a serious issue, unless it becomes an obsession or the person veers off into viewing really questionable types of porn." Yeah, but, you forgot to add - or if they're failing (in a way that takes a "special kind of stupid") to keep it out-of-reach of their own offspring. "I personally don't think it's disrespectful to one's partner to view pornography." You would if you'd had it done systematically to you by someone who, because they love the very bones of you, are supposed to find you the sexiest - ONLY sexy beast-ette on the planet - with anyone else, 'just completely smooth down there'. And you would if you read Andrea Dvorkin's famous (serious, substantiated, empirically proven) bestseller, "Pornography". (Warning: difficult reading.) Because of that book, my son wouldn't ever touch porn with a bargepole. Why go there to begin with, he says. Because too often it's just the start of a slippery slope. Granted, some have the self-discipline not to lose their footing and fall down that rabbit hole. But too many don't. And it causes huge familial misery. The peddlars of pornography are just that. Drugs peddlars. In fact - worse. Pushers. They get you addicted, by mis-using a stimulus as makes your own brain to release an addictable level of chems, including a massive Dopamine rush...a potent cocktail...while them, they're laughing all the way to bank with your salary - "Another sap, hur-hur". IOW, in most cases, men and boys (traditionally) are the first manipulated victims, women second. "and you're not the porn police." Yeah I am. And I know what - and to what degree - including knock-ons - is healthy/productive/non-harmful human behaviour and what's not. However, of course these things are always about *degrees*. ...in which case, unless Dad IS subconsciously trying to rope-in his 'kid' (in whatever way, to whatever end) by leaving it so easily find-able by one who's apt to borrow his phone (meaning, doesn't know what and why he's doing, himself), he must be WELL desensitised by now to be that incredibly thoughtless and careless! IOW, I'm more focused on WHY he oops-let his 'kid' discover what logically must be an addiction. Could equally have been a stash of drugs or 'women's man-size' underwear. A good, conscientious, responsible adult IN CONTROL of the situation, wouldn't ever let that happen. EVER. Not only is it very lax parenting, but also, it smacks of Shamelessness. Normal Dads would be 'almost fatally' EMBARRASSED. I repeat: fine for solos/unmarrieds (*within* reasonable degree/frequency). Although, it still poses a giant risk of escalation towards harder and harder 'drugs' (fact). He's either distracted by problems or he IS a problem all himself (in this marital and religious context). Furthermore, it IS harming 'anyone'. It's harming our OP already. So wtf impact would it have on the guy's WIFE, do you suppose? Think SHE'LL think - 'Oh, yeah, that's not insulting and belittling of my femininity AT ALL - carry ON, lover!'? MOST (healthy, decent) married women find it highly insulting and disrespectful. (Fact.) It causes Divorce, which destroys families and knocks kids hundreds of miles off-course. As for hiding stuff that it's your spouse's business to know.... Well, that says it all about one's attitude towards one's spouse. "But if the dude's just watching porn I wouldn't get involved." Yes. And indeed, I said that already. This is still 'the investigation' stage. Of course the OP would have to look further into it. But drugs is drugs. And Class A is Class A, whereas C is C. Like comparing a bicycle with a Sherman Tank, really. Ultimately, however, porn doesn't "do" anything, same as guns don't kill. Whether they kill/destroy or not depends entirely on the shooter and their intentions (good or evil). Holding a gun gives you a rush as well, btw. If you're too immature to do so. ...forgotten the question now, hahahaha!

Yeah know passive aggressive tell your mom to talk your dad or leave verbal hints for her to check his phone. Of course this kind of thing affect relationships and families but drawing out the pain isnt going to help. You obviously can't let it go. Their Relationship isn't your responsibility not at all as a child. They should be adults dealing with this.

(Superbly summarized, OMTZ, and I agree with your additional advice to leave hints! Welcome to (French accent for no reason at all, please) zee for-rrroom. :))