No questions about job

I would like two topics answering please. The first one is that our youngest adult son likes to ask myself and husband how our day was at work. I say the same thing each time which is, it was ok or not bad. My husband usually says the same. Me and my husband don’t bother asking each other about our work day and with our child it can be annoying when I want to just say sometimes to him that it was shit but I don’t. Now for 3 months my husband has not asked me about my job. Not one. Ok I know I said we don’t asked each other about our work day but to not even ask me once when I started it 3 months ago is not right to me. I’m working with kids and I told him he has not once asked me how it is or where about I am working. I did tell our son when he asked but I thought my husband would have asked one thing about it even just to say is it ok. I’ve talked about his job so many times when he’s had a bit of a bad day or if something as not gone right in his day. My husband said he thought I did not want to tell him because I have not said anything to him about it, which is true and that he thought I did not want to tell him how my days are there because he doesn’t like to come home and talk about his work and wants to forget about it. He forgets that he as talked about it sometimes. I do feel he is not interested in what I do and only wrapped up in his job. He does work full time for a company, I work part time. I think I only wanted him just to ask me once how’s it going and that would have been alright but to not ask me anything is not right. I’ve been there asking him stuff about his work. Ok so should I never ask him about his job if he starts to talk about it and treat him how he treats me and show no interest? The second topic is my husband has two phones. One for work and one private. He once said his day begins at 8.30am. His work phone has rang early some mornings about 8 and he has had emails come through in the evenings at 6pm or 7pm. He has answered them straight away. He never turns his phone off when he gets home but I know he has checked it many times after work hours just to see if anyone as been onto him. I said if that was me I would not answer any emails or calls until my days starts which his is 8.30am. He has said he will look if there’s any emails and if they are urgent he will do them if not he will do them later on once he gets off to work. The phone calls he will take if he is down stairs getting breakfast ready. He drives all over by the way for his work and his car is like his office as he calls it. Now if it was me I would not start until the hours that I was told to start my day because when my husband answers emails or calls his day has already begun and this is before 8.30am. I would get myself ready and have breakfast and look at my own emails on my own phone before starting the day and not start until the time I was paid to start from but he thinks there’s no problem what he does. He has done this for a long time and he said he does not know why I see it as a problem. I suppose I think that when he answers a call or email early then he is being silly when that is his time in the morning to have breakfast and chill a little before it all begins for the day. He doesn’t get paid more for answering the phone or doing emails earlier than he should. Should I not say anything to him and just let him get on with it since he as for so many years?

As you post, it looks like your husband is addicted to his job & if he is then that’s his lookout to solve. Of course, not many people get paid extra to answer their phone or delve into their emails after hours but plenty of people have to as their role demands it. It can be basically part of their job description as well & can be worked into their salary. Your husband’s role of ‘on the road’ & having as a 'office' car is a classic example of a full on, full time role. Two roles being the same on paper will be administered differently by different people for the same result & so your husband may cope with the stress of his role by answering calls after hours etc while others will switch off..but not everyone can just switch off either. If you need your husband’s attention after work, then you need to tell him that’s as his wife, it’s an expectation rather than a effort. However, if he’s been doing it for many years, as it's been the status quo regarding your marriage, then you need to ask yourself why it’s an issue now? It doesn't really sing when he reckons he wants to forget about work after hours & then checks his phone constantly & answers emails as well. However, two people in a successful marriage will have pretty much essential boundaries in place to help them cope with problems which may arise within their relationship. The respect & the love that they demonstrate for each other by their actions allows them to be half way there when negotiating difficult issues. They value & respect what they have within their relationship & they use communication to solve nearly any problem actually, rather than have a wall of silence between them & try & deal with it singularly. The 'I thought this as you didn't say anything about that' doesn't come into it. If you sit your husband down & have a serious talk about your marriage together & your concern of being left out of his day, then you may get the answers that you’re after. But if you’re happy to let things go the way they have been, then you will..it’s that simple.

My husband works for a boss and his hours are 40 each week. Our son is an adult so I don’t look after him but I do his washing and have cleaned up after him as he is not the cleanest person to live with. My husband said that he had a bad day at work and he was up earlier than usual that day. I have felt my husband takes me for granted and I have told him this. His reply is, In what way do I take you for granted. My answer as been that he comes home to a nice clean house and all the cleaning g hoovering and washing done. He then replies he cooks each night for us and washes the dishes and hoovers now and then. Supposed I just don’t want to get over looked and fur him to see what I do in the house and being there for him

Hi Heweq! Good God, yeah! Is this guy completely up his own arse or what?! Lovely that your son asks after your welfare, but, I imagine all that does is highlight the total lack of interest (save for in himself) on the part of your *HUZ.....BAND*! That and everything you put, considered (including his abject contradiction)...and the way you told it.... I got an elusive yet still very strong sense that you're starting to suspect he's got another woman on the side. Is that right?

woman? could be a bloke..

Huh? Which could - the husband's 'mistress' (if there is one) or the OP herself? Am I being a thickie?

This is Heweq. It has crossed my mind many times if he has another woman. Saying that, he had his prostrate removed 8 years ago. Now would a woman be interested in him if she knew that and if he is seeing someone? The sex had never been the same for us since he had the op and him having to use a medical device to get it ready

Be with you asap but probably not until Monday or Tuesday (got a guest). Please bear with me. :)

Hi Heweq, huge apologies for the delay - had guests followed by sickness bug! Bumping you up the board and will respond asap this week.

Hi again Heweq (and thanks so much for your impressive patience), "It has crossed my mind many times if he has another woman." Yes. Unfortunately, spouses "just know". I know a lot of them are so elusive as to not be nameable, but - which signs (or suspected signs) that something's up, HAVE you noticed? "Saying that, he had his prostrate removed 8 years ago" Makes no difference. If anything, it might exacerbate things. It can purely be about receiving attention....emotional-only...boosting his flailing ego. " Now would a woman be interested in him if she knew that and if he is seeing someone?" Yes. Plenty would. No Sex could be a bonus. They too might just want the attention. Or might be the type that are too scared to be single and/or need the company, and 'someone-anyone' will do? Would you describe him as a Charming Gentleman? Or even all the way to, Charmer? "The sex had never been the same for us since he had the op and him having to use a medical device to get it ready" Some of those women, at their age, might also think - Yeay, no more stupid, boring sex! I'm going to hazard a guess that you're the 'shiniest' one out of the pair of you?

Theory 2 might be... He's worried his 'loss of manhood' (pff, rubbish!) will make him lose YOU...that you'll get lured away (particularly if your own libido's still active). He might be trying to subtly create the impression he COULD be having an affair or even just having his head turned (a fantasy affair in his head) in order to make you even more insecure than he feels....so that you'll grab him and cling on tightly (and he'll know where you are and what your attention is focused on at all times, and can relax) (which is Not Fair, is NOT how grown adults are supposed to deal with a simple need for reassurance). Thoughts? HAVE you reassured him?

PS: You also see men go stupid like this when their wife suddenly loses weight and looks all the more attractive for it ('too attractive now, meh'). He (the low-confidenced/confidence-damaged bloke) seems to think she's going to go straight out and find herself a better model (everyone roll your eyes). But what do you think?

Thinking about it: That would certainly explain (in this hypothetical scenario) his downright refusal to take even a basic, civil interest in your NEW JOB. (He'd rather be RUUUUDE.) He resents it in his new, 'lesser-man' state as it poses as a huge threat to his marriage ...it involves people, many of which will be MALES...who probably CAN satisfy you....aaaand then you'll leave him. At his age. ?