My fiancé doesn’t want to be around my friend who hangs out with my ex

My fiancé (M31) gets weird around my (F27) friend when she’s around. After she leaves there are often conversations or arguments about things she mentioned or said. All related to an ex I no longer associate with. The ex is a guy I dated for about 3 months. For context, this guy sucked pretty bad. He was friends with a guy I dated previously (not smart on my part, I know. But he gave the classic “I’ve been in love with you this whole time please give me a chance” so I did.) he ended up being an asshole and ghosted me after an argument we had. Said guy is close friends with my friend’s husband. So she also spends time with him on occasion. Because of that, when she tells stories about her life she will mention him by name occasionally. This doesn’t bother me, as I don’t spend time with him and don’t really care what he’s up to. However, it bothers my fiancé a lot. He thinks it’s weird for me to be friends with someone who is friends with my ex and says it’s uncomfortable for him to be around. It makes me feel like I have to mediate, which makes it no longer fun to hang out with my friend. And he would rather just not be around her ever. My fiancé knows about a situation I had with this ex which may or may not be classified as SA. My friend does not know about this, but I can see this making him more uncomfortable for that reason. I don’t know if this behavior is a red flag, considered controlling, or if I’m holding onto the only real friendship I have at the moment.

Hi Bug, I would maybe try to explain (though I'm sure you have already) to your fiance that your friend is unaware of the possible SA situation that occurred with that ex. I would also, once again, reiterate that you were only with this ex for about 3 months and that they weren't a very big part of your life. I can kind of understand your fiance's position on this, but the fact of the matter is it gets weird whenever you want to shut down a whole group of people from your partner's past because of a couple of bad actors. That puts you in a really difficult position, because this is the remnants of your people and, as you say, your only real friendship at the moment. A little off-topic, but maybe your boyfriend should be happy you have female friends who want to hang out at your place. ; ) It could be the opposite situation, it could be a pile of dudes you're super close with! Also... I guess the main point here is your ex hasn't said or done anything for you to be concerned about, right? At a certain point people gotta be adults and just move on with their lives, and accept that they can't control other people. It would also be kind of weird to ask this guy to break off his friendships with your friend and her husband. It puts people in really awkward positions to have to take "sides." And - forgive me if I'm treading on a touchy subject - if you can't even say for 100% certain that what you experienced was SA, maybe it's alright to give him the benefit of the doubt and just chalk it up to the two of you being incompatible. Not everyone has the same sexual languages, sometimes it can be as simple as that. But I don't mean to downplay whatever may have occurred, there. It may also be a good idea to plan on hanging out with your friend when your fiance isn't around, and vice versa, if that will help things. Idk.

Whatever has happened in your past should stay there & it's meant to be learned from & one shouldn't dwell in it. You have dealt with your previous relationship & moved on? or have you? as you & you alone are allowing this situation to fester. Your fiancé doesn’t want to be around your friend who hangs with your ex but your fiancé is basically saying that your ex “is my enemy because I'm engaged to you & therefore I love you & as far as I'm concerned, the asshole has assaulted you; so why are you associating with people who know him & utter his name when I’m around?” He is being caring & it's not really controlling behaviour but he is being a tad unreasonable as he knows that your friend doesn't know about the SA thing...which is failing to resolve anything & of course is causing arguments between you pair…all because your friend doesn’t know, but would she hang with you if she knew? She’s clueless about it all, but she’s partially the cause of your future husband’s angst. Isn’t she supportive of you as a true friend would be? She is a true friend isn’t she? After all the way you post, you’re putting her relationship on par with your engagement to your fiancé. Some would say that you're caught between a rock & a hard place because of what's happened in the past & some would advise you to meet your friend behind your guy’s back or away from him, but you are now engaged to be married even if your friendship is your only one. It shouldn't be too hard of a decision.