Communication issue with my Husband

Need help with how to deal with my husband’s communication. We have been married for 26 years. As long as everything stays surface level he is fine. The second it gets deeper he gets defensive even if it’s the first time talking about it. He decides when, how long and if it can be revisited. He tells me”say what you have to say”. If I want to revisit the topic, he will tell me “we’ve already talked about this” or “you just find things to argue about”. He blames my reaction if I get upset that he’s not listening. He will say” he can’t say anything right”, “I see it that way because that’s the way it is”, “ I don’t see what the problem is” or “It’s not that big of a deal”. He will Smirk if I cry. I am at a loss. I go to therapy he will not. He will say if he’s not getting anything out of it he’s not going. He has told me that he’s perfect. I research and try to get him to read what I find, which he sometimes will half way. I have years of apologies through text, letters and cards for the same thing. All with him telling me he’s going to change. Any helpful advice to communicate better with him? What would you do? How to help him understand?

Your patience here is to be applauded, but you definitely deserve better from him - a fellow adult who is also your life partner. Sorry you're dealing with this. First want to note, there are some elements of your description that raise alarms for a more serious mental health issue here, but I'm not a professional and have limited information to go off of. Have you talked to your therapist about some of these specifics, like him getting angry when you express emotion, smirking, and describing himself as perfect? I have to say, after 26 years of this and his level of stubbornness, I don't think even the best communicator in the world would be able to help your husband change and see the error of his ways. So I am wondering what you are trying to communicate and what is worth your time and effort. So instead of thinking about how to communicate to him that he needs to change, maybe it's better to think about how to communicate to him so that some of your needs are being met, in incremental ways. For example, if you want him to do more around the house, then go in with that as the only intention - if you expect him to apologize or show a lot of appreciation for you in the same interaction, unfortunately you're probably going to be disappointed and end up in a fight. Break things down into really simple terms with a clear ask. "I've noticed I've done the dishes every night this week. Would you be able to do them tonight?" Or if you just want him to validate your feelings once in a while, give him a very simple opportunity to do that. "I feel really exhausted lately. I'm not asking you to do anything about it and I'm not saying it's your fault. Can you just listen for a minute while I talk about how hard my day was?" If he still can't even respond to these simplified requests, then maybe that's another issue for later, but I'd recommend starting small and simple and seeing if you can at least make your life a little easier in this partnership. Figure out what YOU want out of all of this, and operate from that question - what is the simplest and most effective way to get what YOU need?

"He will Smirk if I cry." 'MALIGNANT NARCISSIST ALERT! - MALIGNANT NARCISSIST ALERT! - MWWWAP-MWAAAP-MWAAAAP!...' Although tbh, I was thinking it well before I hit that giant Red'un. Sail-sized Red Flag, that one. TOO LITTLE/ZERO EMPATHY OR ABILITY TO ATTACH PLUS SICK, VENGEFUL EGO, innit! FYI if they have sadistic tendencies too, they are part of the worst-of-the-worst, called, Dark Triad. Go oogle... I'll be back this weekend, this was all I had time for for now.

Re: ... All with him telling me he’s going to change > If you want to win the lottery, have got to buy a ticket If goin to change - have to change somethin Buy THAT lottery ticket - go to Church (on Sunday) Start makin that change NOW Just turn up - at church, go through the motions Make a small cash donation - you WILL have some loose change knockin about Listen to what IS bein said > you will be glad you went Then go back again - make sure you go back

Are you still there, Boston (hahaha - Houston)?

Are you shocked?

And TulipsInApril - are you still there as well? I thought your answer was highly impressive and I'd love you to field more opening posts if you fancy it?