Confused

i've been married for 14 years, and have two beautiful children 12, 9. My marriage has never been what you call stable. We have both made mistakes in our relationship, but we have always been able to move past them. For the last 4 years or so, I have been thinking of ending my marriage. I feel like i don't know this man anymore. The last year i've been going to a counselor, and i was advised to try to stop thinking only about divorce, and try for just a little while to try to find the man i fell in love with. So, for the last 8 months i've been an open book with my husband. I have been hosnest about my feelings, i have been open and warm, our sex life has been very active. I just can't do it, i can't find much to love about my husband. I'm not sure what to do, i don't want to break up my family. I have always been family first. This whole thing goes against my nature. But i'm miserable, and as long as we are having sex, he's happy. I don't know what to do...

Dear Michellebelle, I came onto this site in desperation after a recent spell of rows with my partner. We also have 2 children. I can't help very much, because I only wish I knew the answers. Firstly, i do know that telling feelings to men is mostly a waste of time. You're right about sex - it is more important to them (our men at least - some are different). I feel exactly the same... we only stay together for the children. I find myself often weighing up the benefits of staying together with a fairly unstable parental relationship versus the damage of breaking up, not to mention the hassle of it. The balance swings from side to side! I don't see myself getting together with someone else - personally I'm not keen on step-dads. So I think I'd probably be a single mum, which is tough. In the end I've become really cynical about love. Does it really exist anyway? I see marriage mostly as a contract. Love is a fleeting thing, which hopefully gives way to great friendship and mutual respect. Not in my case! We annoy each other and drive each other crazy. You are lucky in that you don't mention that you are fighting. Be very very very glad about that. We have the most terrible arguments, and the guilt of the children hearing it (of course they do) just makes me feel more upset. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply, sometimes i feel quite alone...the thing is we do fight. Often. All it takes is me not answering the phone fast enought or keeping a messy house. I have been with him since i was 16. I want stability, i crave it really. I love my children more than life itself. They deserve to know what its like to have a decent functioning relationship. This what im confused about, ive always thought of myself as a married woman, what am i if im not his wife? Ive centered my life around a man who says things that break my heart, and i cant tell if he doesnt care or doesn't realize how much damage hes doing. But at the end of the day my new biggest issue is whats best for the kids, isnt that what it should be about?

Hi There, I dont think you are on your own here. I too have similar problems. I have supported my husband for years. He treats me awfully a lot of the time - digs or off hand insults or trys to control the way I act and feel to the point it is no longer worth me pushing my thoughts or opinions. I then got pregnant and had a miscarriage which was awful and he didnt understand one bit. I then had a child and went back to work very soon. He messed with my head and treat me worse to the point we finished and I had an affair (or was leaving him). It went horribly wrong from there and he used the child as a tool for me to stay though he would deny any of this. He never ever gets emotional so talking to him is like talking to a brick. No point sharing feelings and he is only ever romantic when sex is involved which is rubbish by the way. I too worry about the single parent or parents rowing scenario. Now I think like you said that the child is the only importance. If this is the case, then I would rather be on my own as I dont want them growing up thinking I agree with his narrow minded view of things and at least with us apart, there will hopefully be some emotional support from me anyway. Hope I havent gone on too much. This is on my mind all the time!