Feeling lost

My life doesn't feel like my own anymore. It seems like I'm watching my physical just exist from another dimension. I have let the unfortunate circumstances in my marriage control me to the point that I am almost broken. The man I married is not the person I thought he was. He has betrayed me and has forever lost my trust in him as a friend. When we were attempting to work out a divorce agreement, he did something I never thought he would do. The one request I had of him was that we not drag the kids into a nasty custody battle. That went unheard. He was willing to sacrifice the kids well being and drag them through a custody battle. He hired the best divorce lawyer in town & told that lawyer everything about me. From my darkest secrets to the demands of my profession. That lawyer then twisted everything about me to make me look like an unfit mother and had my husband file for sole custody. He knew I wasn't going to just let him have the kids.He also knew that if we couldn't mutually decide on custody arrangemets, then a judge would decide for us. I wasn't willing to let a stranger who had no vested interest in our children decide when we could see them. My husband still wasn't willing to agree upon shared custody. It was the ultimate checkmate. He knew I would not give up the kids, but he also knew I would not pursue the divorce if that meant putting my babies through a custody battle. My husband does not care about me or the kids. He knew that if I would have fought him in court with no regards for the kids, then the courts would have decided in my favor. At the end of the day, he just wants to be the one who wins. Now I'm stuck in a loveless marriage and I haven't gotten over him betraying me as a friend or as a father to our children. When a person is ripped apart like I was by my husband and that scumbag lawyer, it's very difficult to piece all the pieces back together. This ordeal has changed a part of me because I no longer feel whole. I have compartmentalized my life so much that I function on a higher level in my profession and as a mother, but I am paralyzed when it comes to getting the rest of myself back together. If I'm not working or if my kids are away at school, then I just lay in bed. I no longer work out, go out, or do any of my hobbies. I have lost a lot of my passion for myself. I know if I go back to being the active person who was interesting and fun, then I will feel so much better. The problem is I can't seem to get to the point of doing it. It almost as if I'm afraid to live again for myself.

I relate with you so deeply on the issue, as a child of a nasty divorce and as a female with seemingly eternal issues of feeling out of control of my life, as though watching from a third person perspective. First things first, you need to find that inner strength, however shriveled and weak it seems. In my opinion, you need to leave your husband. This does not sound like a marriage, but an imprisonment. You need to free yourself and your kids. They know whats going on, kids aren't stupid or ignorant, they can feel. Do not set this example for them. As for the custody battle, it almost always goes in favor for the mother. Try and find an agreement with your husband, I'm sure you have but just try once more and explain the consequences of the actions. Ask him if what he wants for the children is this horrible situation. Find the strength for your kids, if not yourself then for them. DON'T STAY PRISONER OF YOUR FEARS! Conquer them head on. Fear is the brain's indication danger may be near, but not the indication of what your actions can do to stamp it out. I wish you so much luck and hope everything turns out great:)