Believe boyfriend is in love with daughter, help please

My partner has done something very strange and it has bothered me to the point of sharing my problem with stangers to receive some clear and sensible advise I prey! I have for a while now got the feeling that my partner has feelings for my daughter. We have been together two and half years and all of us knew each other for 10 years before that. He watched her grow up really i spose. He is an ex herion addict and can be a very manipulative charcter. When we got together i thought he was clean. But it turned out he wasnt and i and my family went through hell really. He threatened suicide regularly, lied, cheated me, went behind my back and the whole thing was a complete nightmare. I sit here tonight and wonder how I ever let this man put my family through what he has. But he was also a great guy, full of fun. He was also 12 years younger than me. He began to take care of his appearance again, and my son who he was closest to gave him his old clothes, second hand but still mint. He constantly tried to look younger and it made me very insecure. I would tell him but it didnt make a difference. It began on my first birthday with him. His sister and her daughters came up, who are friends with my daughter. All night long I could see him and my daughter looking at each, smiling, all sparkly eyes. It made me feel very uncomfortable but I felt I couldnt say anything due to the delicate nature of the situation. What if I had read it wrong, what then? Shortly after this night on one particular occation he was talking to me badly and my daughter stood up for me. He went and took tablets and then told us. We got the ambulance but he was playing up he wouldn't go in it. The Police came because he was being difficult. He turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said "you don't get it do ya, I love her, I adore her". I was so shocked. His sister was there she heard it, but nothing was said. Later she said oh its was the tablets making him say stupid stuff. Ever since then I got this uncomfortable feeling when just us 3 were in the house and I have to leave the room. I was feeling terrible inside even thinking this of my own daughter. I love her so much, I was thinking I was going mad. I was suffering at the time with anxious and depression and we thinking it must be me. I tried to push it all to the back of my mind. Then one morning I came down and heard them whispering in the kitchen. I walked in, he walked out and I asked what were you whispering at and she said "we weren't" but they were. Again I banked it. All this time I was going further and further down hill, I was beginning to feel so paranoid and ashamed for even thinking my daughter would do that to me. But i just couldn't get rid of this gut feeling. He used to deny me affection reguarly and always speak badly to me, treat me like dirt, but he had somehow won over my two sons and my daughter. He didn't speak badly to me infront of them or my daughter after the first inccident. He was clever and real mastermind manipulater but by this time everyone is thinking my quiet behaviour was my illness. I told myself don't be so stupid. My daughter is full of morals, she would never cheat me or her boyfriend. She isn't the sort to sleep around, she's a good girl, goes to college doing well. I felt so bad for even thinking such thoughts. I bought a new car and after I'd had it for about a week, we went out in it one night and he felt abit aroused saying lets pull over . He looked in the back seat and said "oh no cos of my daughter and left the conversation. I thought that was odd. A man in passion decides he's not getting in the back of the car for sex with his partner, because her daughter sits there. Please tell me im not crazy at this point. I noticed that she began leaving her bedroom door on the latch (usually it makes a really bad creaking noise, very loud) and this happened every night for a while. I wondered why she would do that when normally she shuts it, you can hear it thrugh the whole house. I began to try and stay awake, half riggled with guilt even thinking it but have so anxious I felt I was going truely mad. Work suffered I couldnt go, I fell so ill. I watched them together, they looked natural like they should in normal situations, I looked for signs but nothing. I must be me! Things did improve, I began to relax and had more or less come up with the conclusion that he does think of her as a daughter and it was me. Then went to prison for being caught with 2 oz of cannibis (he did smoke it) for 4 months. He is still in there now. He did the strangest thing which has really got me thinking and para again. He wore my daughters boxer shorts into prison. We noticed the day he was in court, he bent over and my daughter pointed it out. He gave some excuse which I can't recall and do to the situation at the time it was forgotten temporarily but banked. I began to think of reasons why he would suddenly touch her things. She is funny about people touching her stuff and certainly he would never had dared wear her under garments. It started an old thought ticking. Has he worn them to have something of hers near him. I can not stress enough the weirdness of him wearing her boxers, her brother has once pinched um but never him, he was always very particular about her things. So that's odd to me. I wrote to him saying that i thought it was strange him wearing her boxers, he ignored the comment completely. Then came a visit, one of my sons closest to him, my daughter and me. Throughout the whole visit I felt him looking only at me really. Like he just didnt want to look at my daughter, not properly. I pushed on through the visit and said nothing, what could I say, I would look an idiot. Then he wrote a letter to me, with a letter each for my son and daughter within my envelope. Of course I read theirs, im only human. Mine said Hi nice to see you and the kids, glad to see your ok now ive seen you im ok, then he went on to say about what he was doing blar blar blar fininshing up with the i love you and miss you, and hearts stuff. When I saw the beginning of my daughters letter, my heart nearly came out of my chest. It said, Hi it was so good to see you, ive missed you so much, i knew i would but i didn't know it would hurt this much. I loved you like your one of my one. I thought it was a most strange opening to your step daughter. I really began to feel my chest tighten then. It got to a point where I had to ask her. She said she couldn't believe that i didn't trust her enough to tell her if he had made a pass at her. I explained that he could be manipulative and I only want to know for her sake, but she was upset with me and told my youngest son, the one he was closest to. I had to explain myself to him and eventually everyone has taken the point that it must be me and my tablets. Really it's not im on anti-depressants and now since he's been in jail ive been the most stabliest ive felt in 2 years. So I feel absolutely awful and a failure as a mother and can anyone offer some advise please i beg you.

Hi ScoobySue, You certainly have been through a lot. You can see all the red flags, you know your partner lies and is manipulative. No one should threaten suicide etc. It's all attention seeking and a part of their manipulation. You might have made things a little too easy for him. Sounds like he may have taken advantage of you. He is already isolating you from your own family. You ask for advice... well, i suggest moving on from this man completely. Trust your gut feelings, they are often more truthful than any other. Your family may not be as worldly wise as yourself and not see the effect this man has had on you or them. I wouldn't blame your family, they may not have seen the red flags and not understood the dynamics of such a relationship. I'm not surprised to hear you suffered with paranoia, anxiety and depression. That's a perfectly normal response to the situation you have found yourself in. In fact, you are probably more normal than you think... like brainwashing I think you'll find that he has used similar techniques. Over time it's more difficult to see... they learn your habits, weaknesses and fears and then attack without you knowing. Then it's often too late and you're in shock and stunned by what just happened. Awareness is key; and it sounds like you're on the ball. A red flag is in fact a red flag... he might make the flag look green with his lies and excuses but stand firm and believe in yourself - you don't need to question your sanity. Quite the opposite, you should be questioning his. Honestly, you have to STOP giving this man what he wants and concentrate on your needs (and your family's). This relationship is obviously toxic. I found myself in a similar abusive and manipulative relationship - Yes, i too offered to help a friend in need and she destroyed my son's life and my life... and had a massive effect on other people's lives. The ripples of their actions travel far and wide. Some people don't have empathy and remorse for others - they are dangerous and toxic to be around because they poison the mind and soul. I didn't see any of it for a long time. Only space and distance away from the toxic person helps you to figure out the bigger picture. It looks like you have worked out some of the bigger picture, and the reason you question your own state of mind is because of the nasty psychological work he has done. You might think you have feelings for him... but do you really?... is it that you thought you could help him? Is this man abusing your empathy? Is it real love? I would say move on with your life... don't let him project his psyche on you. Don't beat yourself up for falling into such a trap... many have fallen into this kind of trap... they are usually psychologically very intelligent (it's a waste really). I hope this helps you. On a positive note, i'm sure you have learnt a great deal and you can use this to your advantage in future relationships. Know your own boundaries and think about your needs. Keep the faith and be kind to yourself. Best wishes, Jon

Dear SCOOBYSUE, You have really been through a lot..now you deserve some happiness. Its a good thing the man is in jail. He doesnt seem trustworthy at all. Your children are young so they wouldnt understand his tactics. Just stay away from him. You and your family dont need him. If he is making your children against you, he doesnt deserve your love and attention. Concentrate on yourself and your family. Try to improve your own life. Your children will understand eventually. My best wishes are with you. Pray to God everyday. He will guide you. Keep smiling and be happy...:)