15 male having some serious problems. Please read all before answering

All this crap started in about seventh grade (I'm a sophomore now) and I met a girl (for the sake of privacy, let's call her Chandra). We met at a dance, and were good friends for about 3 weeks, before I asked out. She accepted, and so we went on about two dates before I met her friend, (for the sake of privacy, chandra 2). And so after that me and Chandra 2 became good friends, we talked here and there, shared a few laughs. But then trouble hit when I went through what I called my "ignorance phase". I hardly paid much attention to Chandra, and I later paid for it, because she dumped me. I wasn't hurt at first, but it got worse. I was alone for about a full year until 8th grade, we started talking again. At the time I didn't know how stupid it was, and me and chandra got back together for the second time. Of course, now Chandra 2 was back in the picture, and as it turned out, I was still in that "ignorance phase", just not as severe. Then suddenly, she swept me off my feet at a football game. I had my first kiss there, and it was possibly the greatest feeling I ever had. That marked the end of that phase. So I was more involved with the relationship and we saw each other a lot more. It was honestly the best 3 months of my life, I could say. Then I started sort of drowning in my own affection for her. I realized I needed to lay off steam. This is where the embarrassing and stupidest part hits. While texting both Chandra and Chandra 2, Chandra asked if I liked Chanda 2. The stupidest response of me got the better, and I said "yes". THAT is when I hit the bottom. About 2 days later I was kicked out of the picture. I was alone, still crazy affectionate for her. She kept me in complete disregard, saying we could be friends, but always ignoring or giving me a bad look. I couldn't bear it. This is also the point where my grades in school reached an all time low, as did my self esteem. Every day then I thought of suicide. I would have this fantasy of standing up on a table during lunch for Chandra to see, as would everyone else, pulling out a gun and blowing my brains all over the walls. I truly almost started cutting myself. But I took to escapism, to sustain me as much as it could. Reading, writing, even video gaming. All over the summer I took a volunteer job for IT, and it was scarcely enough to keep those thoughts back. Next, freshman year. This was the worst year of my life, no doubt in my mind. With no escapism at hand, all the thoughts of me and Chandra being together took place, and it ruined me. I was so lonely. I had no friends, no events, no social life. My grades were terrible, and I was a physical wreck. And November 1st, 2012, my brother, the most fun, inspiring people I ever have been so lucky to meet, died. That was Rock Bottom for me. I wouldn't move, talk, eat, I hated everyone, and everything. Nothing made me happy, all but the thought of Chandra, who I knew was with other people now. It only made life worse. That was my first suicide attempt. I won't go into details. I can't. That's when I started talking with one of my old friends, let's call him Jack. He was a very smart kid for his age, and he invited me to play a game called dungeons and dragons. That isn't the important part, because it introduced me to all these other people. Jack's friends were all there and I honestly, for the first time in so long felt happy. Like I belonged somewhere. I forgot about Chandra and my brother, I talked and laughed. It was amazing. Still today I am in the group. But things are getting bad now. Jack, my best friend, is now thinking about asking out Chandra 2, the best friend to the girl I had ignored and forgot for so long. And all these emotions are rising again. I'm so scared, but I have so many mixed feelings towards Chandra. I don't know if I hate her or love her still. Truth be told, it's both. I miss her so much, but she's dating some douche wrestler. I can't sleep again and nobody knows what I'm going through, or about to go through. I really need to talk to her. But through the summer of escapism I had said to her some very hurtful and embarrassing things. I can't even talk to her over fucking Facebook. My question, my one thing I want to know is, what am I supposed to do? I can't keep going like this, but I can't go to anyone for help. My family doesn't even know who she is. I need help, please. I'm begging, I can't sleep, I'm so tired. Please help me.

Awh this broke my heart, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I can tell you I know someone who went through something similar, and honestly talking about your feelings is really what's going to save you from doing anything that may harm you. You should really find someone whom you can trust and just let everything out, maybe a friend. That's really gonna help you out. As for the girl, it sounds like you fell in love with her back when you were younger and you're holding on to memories that once brought happiness to you. But what may be happening is that you just hold recentment over what happened between you two, I don't think you love this girl anymore, I think you're just looking for that something that will bring you happiness again, and because she once did, you feel she could do it again. This isn't healthy though, you need to find a different way to cope with what you're feeling. It sounds like she's become something of an obsession. What you need to do is have a talk with this girl and look at her as if you were just meeting her, in a different perspective, take a step back and ask yourself do I really feel for this girl? You need to seriously find someone to talk to, you may think there is no one, but there is! You just have to really find out who that person is. I seriously suggest a close friend, whom you can trust. You need to get all of your feelings out, it's not good to keep them all in, because you are depressed. You need to find that happiness again but not through this girl!