5 years as an investigator

Hi Everyone! For 5 years I ran undercover in multiple gangs in 3 different countries in Europe, dominantly detecting human trafficking and car re-birthing activities. When I look back upon these 5 years, although, I am so proud for everything I've accomplished (rewarding with "Scania Cross" at the age of 24 speaks for itself) my emotional system has been twisted, capability of maintaining relationship with anyone wrecked. It's one of those terrible feelings that you don't exist anymore... 1) I am unable to be charming anymore, to tell girl how pretty she is. Constantly being haunted by memories of "my comrades" who used to say that to girl before she was raped and sold to brothel. 2) I never invite any of them for coffee and any sort of hang-out. For 5 years most of the girls who I had anything to do with, have ended up in the unimaginable disgrace. Something whispers to my ear: "she might be next one". Madness! 3) Everyday is that agony of conscience (as I've mentioned: in spite of being proud): I had to allow few girls being hurt in order not to blow a cover, retain my alias and eventually - in a long run - save dozens or hundreds of others and bring down as many scumbags as possible. The problem is: I didn't see, In didn't know those "hundreds". I did see, I did know only these "few". 4) At the age of 23 I met great woman (probably she will always be woman of my life). Not wanting to appear as a freak who'd never said what was doing for a crust and acting like sort of paranoiac, I decided to make up all my life: job as a handyman, blah, blah... After while I was desperately finding cheap excuses for everything e.g. concealing spare phone she'd never heard of under the seats of my car. Had not been long before she dumped me. "Everything I feel to you vaporizes with every lie of yours" - she used to say. I've done what I had to - otherwise she would be in jeopardy. 5) Talking with other people (no matter of what gender or age) I try not to reveal anything about those 5 years of mine. Which results in not talking at all. Thanks for any reply, advice etc...