Hidden relationship / cheating / tired of being hurt

My boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half with no problems, but when he went away to college, sex became a bit of a problem. I wanted to wait until marriage and he found every loophole and I did some things I regret. My parents found out and cut off all communication between us and it tore me apart. I don't do well on my own. In the meantime, he dated my best friend, she rubbed it in almost everyday (some friend...) He told me nothing happened, and waited until I had healed to tell me he had lied. This opened a similar wound, where he cheated on me the first day after we got together and lied about it. Anyways, as you can tell, he and I found ways to talk, but the pressure of getting caught and having to hide it is putting a major strain on us. We literally communicate through a chat room and that's it. It's causing us both to fight almost everyday in ways that have me crying myself to sleep at night. I've realized not only the distance, but some of his behaviors and tendencies to unintentionally but constantly hurt me aren't healthy. I don't really love him anymore, but he thinks the world of me, so he says. He was with a girl before me for 3 years. I've tried so many times to leave him, but everytime I do, I fall apart. Like I said. I hate being alone, and my family isn't the type of family that shows their love and comfort in the best ways. I'm clinically depressed and am worst on my own, and talking to him takes up most of my time instead of leaving me with my thoughts. I've just grown so close to him.... but I'm tired of the chat room situation and the almost constant hurt. I just am afraid for what may happen if I decide to try and permanently fly solo.

dear, what you need is something are someone to fill your time.then your problem will be taken care of.volunter some where.