Holding on / letting go : don't know what to do

Hi. I'm wondering how my ex is gonna react to this letter. I have been on steroids that have messed with my head, but I like the simplicity of this letter... I think.... I know it's wacky, and that you don't know him or me. I just want feedback. The "suicide letter" referred to is much more detailed. Amung other things it describes his role in me ending up in the ER with a prescription medication allergic reaction (and hence the steroids)..... I am no longer suicidal, and the letter says so at the bottom, but I also want him to know what he has done to me emotionally. Let me know if you also want me to post the "suicide letter." I don't know if I'm trying to push him away for good (which might be best) or get him to come running to help me, or to mess him up enough that his current relationship suffers and I can get him back. Did I mention that I'm a but off lately? I'm not usually malicious. I'm usually very kind and forgiving and loving..... Here is the short letter: "Hi there! 12/16/13 Don’t worry, the holes in these things are not a veiled threat, and were not done in anger (well, nothing even remotely close to homicidal anger, at least). Note that the holes pierce my heart in the photos, not anyone else’s. I just didn’t want you to be able to use or wear these things again, or use the one thing with anyone else (I never did – my heart was dedicated to you and you alone soon after we met, and has remained so). 11 years I waited to open my heart after (NAME) (and that door to him in my heart is very unfortunately closed, at least so far...) .... there were people along the way who wanted me to love them, but I didn’t... until you... And you are the last. I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. The one thing left unmolested in this box is your Noam Chomsky book, since that was yours and was only on loan. The suicide note will explain the grotesque picture of me (attached to this paper) having an allergic reaction this past Saturday (I didn’t think to take any pictures when I was in the ER the previous Wednesday getting IV steroids)... all leading back to your neglect of my many pleas for friendship this past fall... well in addition to deceiving me in July, being willing to fuck me but refusing to be my boyfriend, and then promptly leaving me for her. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I love you, and I always will (yes, it’s pathetic) Don’t contact me unless: 1 – you love me. 2 – you are not with (NAME) and you want to be in a monogamous relationship with me. 3 – you agree to go to couples counseling. Otherwise, we are strangers. "

With all you are going through you just need to think about yourself. When you get better and emotional healed, do you think it will possible be worse on you knowing what he did. If it will haunt you, you need to move on. I was married twice and this guy really come on to me hard and promised to never hurt me. My last husband molested my daughter and his best friend molested our son. I was so lonely for years awaiting my time to safely get away from him. This guy who chased me promised me everything. He after one year gets on dating sites. I saw and read some things he was doing. I was taking care of his son and so on. I am still stunned stupid. I am praying and trying. He is trying but the memory of what he did is horrible. I am just trying to warn you that after you may get him back you may be thinking about them!