17 years of deception

ok, will try and keep this brief. I was married to someone for 17 years. I wanted children and he didn't. But he lied and told me he did. Conveniently for him he was infertile. I tried for years with alternative methods, suggesting adoption, etc. but he was always unwilling. I put it down to male pride and was not pushy enough, did not want to hurt him or make him feel like there was something wrong with him. Eventually he admitted that he didn't want kids and had never wanted them. We ended up splitting up, it was not the only reason but pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. My problem now is that all our mutual friends expect us to be friends. Don't get me wrong, he's a "nice" guy, he's funny, good looking, helps other people but I just feel this kind of betrayal does not warrant friendship. He made a decision for me that he had no right to make and I just do not feel as if anyone understands that, no one seems to understand my devastation. I am 44 - I am not going to meet anyone who wants a child with me within the near future, and maybe I am not even physically capable of having one anymore. I just want someone to acknowledge that what he did to me was wrong, really wrong, but no one seems to want to get involved. Maybe the problem was that I am not a very vocal person. I never complained about not having children, I never went crazy and tried to steal someone's baby, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt. Please someone just tell me that what he did was wrong, and that it's ok that I never want to speak to him again?!

Camilla, if your husband was infertile, then possibly in his mind he had convinced himself that he couldn't 'have' kids no matter what. If he couldn't father them naturally, then there was no chance he would do it any other way....male pride. He did the wrong thing by stringing you along and lying to you. Trust, honesty, respect and communication are the main stays for a successful relationship....and it has to flow both ways. Your mutual friends are not real friends, just people. Real friends would at least listen to you and would see both sides of the story. They would respect your right to distance yourself from your ex husband...and not so much encourage it if you're not prepared to do that. I've had people advise me that life's too short, and why harbour a grudge? but while they're correct in every sense, it's up to me how I lead my life. Your ex husband may be popular with other people but you know deep down what/who he is. And that should be enough. Somewhere along the line Camilla, you'll have to forgive him because if you can't, you're going to become very bitter and miserable as well as have the frustration you have now. If you can forgive him, then you'll know that it's all ok never to speak to him again, regardless of what anybody says or thinks. And somewhere along the line, you'll have to decide what your biggest issue is..his lying and betrayal or your mutual friends refusal to see things your way.

Dear Camilla - You are not wrong! I see your position and understand that you do not want to be his friend! He was/is absolutely wrong! To withhold information that would influence a decision is tantamount to lying. Perhaps you could still adopt? Maybe artificial insemination? I know being a single Mom is hard but being a parent does fulfill you in ways that never occur to you before the experience. Good luck with what ever course you choose - at least it is your decision now! Whatsup