Stuck in the past, stuck on him

I'm 21 years old and I can't get over my ex. We first got together when I was only 15 and he is my first love. We had an amazing, intense relationship and from the moment I got to know him, I feel head over heels for him. But the thing is he really hurt me, more than I ever thought I could ever hurt. He was my best friend and he was the one person who I could actually tell all my dreams and fears to and know that they were safe with him. I'll admit that through out our relationship I was really insecure and was quite hard on him at times. I pushed him to be something that he was not and if it were now this wouldn't be a problem, I was young and naive and didn't want to lose him. Three years into our relationship I found out he was cheating on me. He honestly broke my heart. Not alone did I lose my boy friend, I lost my best friend. I knew he regretted it and he tried so hard to make it up to me but then last year I found out he was cheating again. Needless to say the second time hurt just as much as the first time if not worse. I still loved him with all my heart but I knew that things were never going to be the same and that I just had to walk away. Over time we started talking again, but he has a new girl friend. I miss him so much. It's not even a case where I want to be with him, I don't miss him but just the amazing times I had with him. I miss having my best friend. He's all I can think about. I can't talk to him about it because in all honesty I don't want to go back there because I know that he's no good for me. It's hard seeing him happy with someone new knowing that he knows how much he's hurt me. I can still feel the pain of it all and it all still hurts so much. I've tried to make a clean break from him so many times and I just can't bring myself to do it because I know that once I do that's going to be it. He won't fight to keep me in his life. I'm afraid of not having him in my life, he has been a support for me through much, he's seen me growing up an been there through all the important milestones of my teenage and young adult life. Similarly I've seen him grow into the young man that he is today. I've been the one he's come to in the past with his problems. He has been both depressed and suicidal in the past. It's started to effect my concentration and my relationships with other people. I see my friends who have been in and out of relationships and none of them have been affected this way. I do want him to be happy but I want to be happy as well and I don't know how to be. Everything reminds me of him in some way. I just want to runaway and never come back.

Shaz, time heals everything. It may take a long time but it'll eventually be all ok. The first time he cheated is when you 'lost' him and so you should be starting there. Yes, it's hard to see him happy with someone else and if he wouldn't fight to keep you in his life then it's a bygone conclusion that he's in your past and that where he'll stay, regardless of the milestones you shared together. You need to move on and give yourself some peace to be able to truly be over him. You have stated that you were young and naive, but you need to learn from it and not let past decisions drag you down. You are allowed to be happy without the guilt from those decisions that's shackling you to him. All you need to do is give yourself permission to be happy. Once you achieve this, you'll find your relationships with other people and your personal situation improving for the better.