I am really unsure of what to do

I'm lost. I recently came out of a 7 year relationship. Looking back, it wasn't a particularly healthy one. From both sides. I have noticed i am a people pleaser, suffer from anxiety in social situations, have issues regarding food (not eating enough all the time) and very low self-esteem. Which meant that, i struggled to have sex, it was difficult to go on dates with me because i do not eat out, and i found it hard to be even social with his family and would thus avoid it. He, had low self-esteem. He would say, i gave you a massage today or made you a hot drink, so i think i deserve oral sex. He would tell me that if we were ever to end, it would always be me, either by ending it or cheating. Question constantly if he was good in bed, straight after, he would ask if it was satisfactory or generally state that he knows it wasn't good, and apologize. If i did not reply to his texts, depending on his mood, maybe an hour or something longer, i would get another text, then another text. A few times, when i have been out with a friend, who are guys (which i probably shouldn't do), he would come searching for me, because i haven't replied quick enough. But i would be replying. Any way, basically, my already set behaviours, and his just making mine worse. I now have no idea what to do any more. I met another guy, he is sweet, but has similar behaviour patterns as my ex. I feel like i am targeting guys that will be the same, like self punishment. The only variance is, i am trying to react differently. I am trying to say no, but i am so confused. I never know if something is what i want, or whether my mind is telling me i want it, when in reality its me trying to please others. The new guy, i am attracted to him, but i do not see a relationship there. 'not sure, but this may be because i am still in contact with me ex. Him and i are dating, well we have been on a few dates, to see where it goes. But again, i am not sure if it's because he wants to be with me, or if i want to be with him. How do i know for sure? I can't "follow my heart" because i can't tell if it's my true desires or my people pleasing ones. I'm scared that my feelings are because i am too scared to be alone. Scared to be completely independent. A scared about hurting other people. I have told the new guy that i just want to be friends, because forcing a relationship at this stage would be wrong, it would be dysfunctional and we already have quite a few arguments as friends, because of his jealousy and controlling behaviour. I do not know how to change this, what i need to do. Is the way guys are with me, focusing on sex, because i do not give it often? Is it my fault? Like, some guy friends have said they like (fancy) me in the past, and it's suddenly my fault (said by both of them), i must be leading them on in some way. Just because i talk to them as i would others, is that the wrong thing to do? I am so confused, as you can probably tell. I do not know what i should do? How to be certain that my feelings for someone are genuine, how to start saying no more often without feeling like the worst person on the planet. I have been sexual (not sex) with the new guy, but now i am trying to resolve things with my ex, i regret it. But do i really want to try to work at it with my ex? I obviously will need to make it clear to the new guy that anything physical is off the table, don't i? It's strange, i have never really had a strong urge to be physical with my ex, but with the new guy i have. Thank you for reading!

Hi You do sound confused but , you also are quiet self aware. Seven years was a long relationship and that will take sometime to recover from. This new guy is a rebound and it is new so you will be experiencing feelings that you have not in seven years!!! The relationship sounds demanding and would only feed into the negative thoughts between both of you and that is very unhealthy, so it is a good thing that it is over. I personally think you need to be on your own for a long time. You need to be comfortable in your own skin as a single woman carrying her own. That will give you the confidence you say you lack.

Firstly, it can not be definitely said that this guy is a rebound. It's possible, but not definite. You previous relationship sounds very much like a do something for you, you do something for me type deal. Which isn't very healthy and isn't really right in my opinion. If he does you a favor and expects sex from it then he doesn't feel like simply asking you is enough. Or perhaps if he was rejected a few times primarily he would want to please you to be more likely to get a yes. He seems to have quite a focus on sex, and improving his sexual performance. Which you don't seem to share this focus so that could be hard to deal with. He also seems quite clingy, if he sends texts concurrently upon delayed responses. You going out with guys should not really be an issue really, you should be free to hang around other people of the opposite gender without worry of your partner getting concerned. Him coming actively searching for you in those circumstances is quite worrying, that one step above clingy really. Not good for a relationship at all, he shouldn't constantly have to survey you. There is very little faith there. You should know if it's something you want by simply just prospecting on the idea of will you be happy once you've done what they have asked? If the answer is yes, you wanted it, if not you didn't. When you don't want to do it, you'll be compliant meaning publicly you'll agree to whatever they wanna do, but privately in your mind you won't wanna do it. As if you do want to do it, both publicly and privately you'll accept it. To evaluate if you wanna be in a relationship look back and see how often you were happy, to how often you were sad. Were you more happy than sad? If you were then go back, since overall it's positive for you. If you were more sad then don't since you don't wanna be miserable majority of the time. It may be because you're scared on being alone as you stated. Before those 7 years have you constantly been with someone? Maybe not relationship wise, but have you always been by someones side? And when you're alone do you feel really sad and lost? If that is the case it may very well be because of that. If you find you can't be happy when you're alone that also makes it more probable. Ideally you wanna stay away from controlling behavior. Control forces you to make sacrifices in relationships, when you shouldn't make sacrifices in relationships. You should make negotiations, to come to equal footing where you are both happy with an outcome. You can't blame yourself the way the people are acting towards you. These two guys just have similar personality traits, there is little more to it than that. Not all guys are like them, some guys won't even care about sex. The only time you can blame yourself for something like this is when you do something bad towards someone, something negative that made them feel terrible. And this thing you had intent to make them feel bad, if you didn't there is again no problem. If you had no intent and they got hurt that's not your fault it's theirs, it's something you could not help. You should always talk to them as you do others, treat them the same as you do everyone else. Obeying obvious constraints though, like if you're in a relationship you don't go around being all romantic with everyone. What I think you should do right now is be independent for a while. Out of any relationships, treat people as friends. Take this time to try and understand yourself, as this will help in you getting the most out of relationships and life in general. You're confused right now as readily stated, therefore don't make any big decisions like getting back with your ex or getting with this guy. Getting caught in this indecision is never good, it just causes more break-ups and more "I'm not sure what to do"'s. Time needs to be taken to clarify things like this. Your not on a time limit, take your time figure out what you want, drift around with your friends acting normal see how you act, identify why you act the way you do in some situations, understand those situations and ultimately learn from them. You can say no to people quite simply. Saying no to someone isn't the worst thing on the planet, it won't have any major implications really. Like if someone asks you can you get me that book and you say no, they aren't going to feel sad or anything major. You can't say yes all the time. I guess mainly just put yourself in the other persons shoes how would they feel if you said no? Put yourself in their situation. And more often than not you'll find it shouldn't make that much of an impact on them. I hope that helped. And have a wonderful day :)