She asks questions in a way that disturbs / bothers me, anyone help or understand?

My loved one keeps asking questions that disturb/bother me, can anyone help? --------------- For short form skip to number 1. read the sentence, then skip to number 2. read that sentence, etc. this will give you the gist of what I am saying and asking. A problem with questions: 1. She reverses every question I ask her, even simple ones. Ex: Are you okay? Her: Yes I'm fine, are you okay? She doesn't ask it with an attitude but as if she's also asking the same question. But there is a disconnect because I am asking it in a situation where I actually think that something might be wrong, and she just asks me back for no reason. She doesn't do it with just this question but with any question she possibly can, I call them reverse questions, and they are always out of place. I can even predict when she'll do it and sometimes dread asking her a question simply because I don't want the question reversed on me for no reason. Like I'm asking something for a reason but her reversing it has no reason. Another thing she does with questions that doesn't make me feel right is 2.She shifts all decisions on to me, even when it is something she wants or wants to do: For example every morning she'll ask me something like, 'Did you have any plans for supper?' And I'm like, whaaa? I just woke up. What she really means is, 'If we are making something with meat we have to unthaw it now' or something along those lines. But instead she does what I call decision forcing. Another example would be if she wanted to go grocery shopping she'll ask me, 'Did you plan to go grocery shopping today?' I notice it's always me planning everything (not in reality) or etc. She tries to make it my plan when it's her plan. I don't mind grocery shopping or etc. it just disturbs me that she doesn't ask me from herself but instead tries to force her decisions on me. If she just said, 'I want to go grocery shopping today' or 'I think we need to go grocery shopping today, would you like to come?' I'd be okay. She is a good person and never asks me to do anything I don't like or etc. and I'm always there for her for daily things like grocery shopping etc. so the questions are completely unnecessary. But sometimes they cause problems because I take questions at face value, so for example if she asked, 'Are you going to do 'X' on friday?' And I say something like yah I think so, then she'll ask me later like a day later or whatever, 'Do you still plan on doing 'x' on friday?'and something about her asking me makes me want to rethink my decision. So then she'll say something like, 'well which is it, are you doing 'x' or not?' When the whole plan 'x' wasn't even my plan or idea in the first place, it was her forcing a decision on me. She even makes me decide between things that make absolutely no difference in life. Like 'do you want a small fork or a big fork' so even when she's making dinner instead of me or something she tries to make all her decisions into my decisions it makes me feel horrible. Question type 3: 3. How? Why? This one may be due to her disability (She has a mild brain disorder). She asks me questions like a little child would, that are unanswerable, like 'how' or 'why'. Example: Me: I think what you did was funny there, that was cute! Her: How? Me: ..... I have no way of answering that. That's just how I feel. Her: Yah but how is that cute? And she's NOT saying it in a mean way or with an attitude she's actually genuinely asking it. But all these questions add up to make me feel like I'm doing mental gymnastics for her all the time. This third question type though I try to let go cause I think it does actually come from her disorder. So I'm not actually concered with this one so much. 4. "Do you remember?" I must remember everything even if I'm not certain she's even said it to me. She tells me stories about her family all the time, which is fine I don't mind listening to a story or listening to my loved one. Within days of meeting her I pretty much knew the names of her aunts, uncles, mother, father, brothers, etc. that's how she is. However, after she tells me so many things in a day, she gets annoyed when I don't remember something, and there might even be a chance sometimes that she didn't even tell me. I don't expect the same level of remembering from her that she does from me and when she slips up I don't get annoyed or etc. 5. "What if?" Example: What if ((Name terrible unlikely thing here)) happens, what would you do? And it's always something negative and extremely hard to answer questions. These don't happen as often but they add to all the other questions, again it makes me do mental gymnastics for her. It's basically forcing me again, to make a decision only this time based on something that is not even happening. 6. So finally I ask you, the reader a question, what is up with my loved one? What is the cause of this kind of thing? Is it passive aggression, sometimes? I suck at reading people. I know she has a somewhat controlling mom, does it come from that? In summary, the constant decision forcing and etc. makes me feel like she's constantly shifting responsibility on me and making me work mentally. Or like she's treating me like I was a controller or something but without a cause, like I'm a tyrant who she has to ask questions of before she does anything, which makes me feel disturbed cause it's a disconnect from reality. Does she get that from living with her mom? When we first met each other I couldn't even frown for one second without her asking me 'what's wrong' or thinking I was mad etc. when all I was doing was resting my face, and I found it wierd and out of place. All the questioning stuff also makes me feel sort of the same. I don't have this problem with anyone else in my life, so I'm assuming it's not me. Being a normal guy I did wonder, am I controlling or being bad or something to have her act this way? The constant questioning etc. makes me feel that way sometimes cause I often find myself asking her to stop, but not in an angry way etc. But then I remember I don't have this problem with anyone else so it's just something to do with her I think. Can anyone shed any light on this?

Yup. She sounds distinctly Aspergic, personality type under-assertive (either naturally or through, as you say, having been conditioned by an over-critical/domineering mother (and/or her ex/es?)). However, I think the real issue here is the fact you're trying to discuss the somewhat tiresomeness of her pedantry, over-conscientiousness and -deference, and anxiety, etc. with us when in fact it would be perfectly reasonable and understandable to get all these little niggles off your chest (nicely) face-to-face with *her*, don't you think? I mean, if you can't communicate honestly with one another, what's the point?? Alternatively, you could overlay that past conditioning by in these instances simply giving her a reassuring smile and kiss on the cheek whilst asking her to please relax and just tell you outright, unbridled-ly, whatever's on her over-worrying mind. After all, the man sets the tone in any relationship, and I can see quite clearly that you have one aspect of under-assertiveness yourself. In other words, in my estimation you're BOTH walking somewhat on eggshells with one another, just in different ways and manners. I'll start you off...something like: "Sweetheart, can we have a quick chat? It's about how I sense you're a lot of the time over-anxious and -cautious around me whereas obviously I'd much prefer you to relax and be more your natural, happy self whenever we're together." Not a lot you can do about the 'Who, What, When, Where and Why'-ing, though. That's the over-curious, over-intense Aspie mind for ya. Aspie or simply socially anxious, however, that's the way to go about getting this sorted. Hope that helps.

(Sorry - that should have read 'under-assertive and avoidant' - typo) PS: LOL to SusieDQ's comment about kids! So true!!

Um, quite frankly, she is "not well." The advice of 'try to talk to her" isn't going to help. She is not able to reason like most people. She may be sweet, but she is going to be a lifelong handful. If you are still with her after all this, though, there must be something slightly "off" with you as well - not meaning in a bad way, but perhaps you are a "rescuer." In a way, then, it would make you two a good fit, but it won't be a healthy relationship. She clearly has some major issues. Probably a really nice person, but extremely insecure to a fault. Probably has a lot to do with her brain disorder and controlling mom. Questioning it is useless. It just is, and will be. All you can do is decide whether or not to put up with it.