Remember: Are my standards too high?

I posted a couple of days ago about the relationship issues that I'm having with my partner. I have had an entire week of not seeing him so we could have the space we needed. Now that I've had a week to reflect on our problems, I have written out a letter that I intend to read aloud to him when we talk on Sunday. I don't have anyone else that will read it for me (my best friend is on vacation and I don't want to bother him) before then, so I suppose I just need someone to tell me if I'm being unreasonable at all. Thanks! **(Boyfriend’s name), I am writing this down to prevent raising my voice or becoming angry, and to make sure that all of my thoughts get across and I don’t forget anything or get distracted. First, I was really upset and hurt when I texted you making plans to meet today. I included that I’ve missed you, because I have and you neglected to say anything except for ‘Okay see you Sunday’. I know we were supposed to be having space. But I don’t believe that means you need to pretend like you weren’t upset that I was gone or let me know that you’ve missed me, especially when I say it first. If you left it out because you really didn’t miss me, then you should just break up with me now. Next, I would like to discuss the generalized grouping of things that I would label as irresponsible. I know it’s not a nice thing to say, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying it, but it has to be said. Having things like a car and an education are the building blocks of a stable foundation and a good standard of living. Those are the things you need so that we can start making a good life, the kind of life that involves getting married, buying a house and having children. The longer it takes you to get those things, the farther away I am from realizing my dream of being with you forever. When I said that I would still love you even if you didn’t have those things, it was the truth. I fell in love with you a long time ago and that’s not going to change because of a change in your lifestyle, but it does lengthen the amount of time to achieve my personal goals. I won’t stop loving you if you aren’t able to get those things for yourself, but I will stop wanting to be with you. I know that you are the person I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life, but I feel like it is taking us too long to get to that place. I know that we’re still young, but I am ready to have the things I’ve always dreamed of. I know that I’ve had a lot of help getting those things, but if you think that I haven’t worked for them at all, you’re very mistaken. And I realize that your life has been a lot harder than mine. I know you have kids to think about and child support and other things to pay for and a slew of obstacles to overcome, but you’re not doing it alone. And those things should be a reason for you to succeed, not an excuse for you to fail. It hurts my feelings that you think that because I have these expectations, it makes me a materialist. It’s completely reasonable for me to expect a middle-class life. I don’t need vacations to the Bahamas, I am fine with driving a car that has fading paint and I certainly don’t need you to buy me the moon. I don’t care if you become a full-time musician or a full-time fence installer. I don’t care if you decide college is not for you and you find a career elsewhere. But I do care that I only have light worries. I don’t want our future children to grow up in an apartment, or not be able to try out for the football team because we can’t pay the sports fee at their school. I want my worries to have less to do with money, and more to do with making sure we are good to each other and we raise our children right. After a lot of reflection, I know that it’s not unreasonable for me to expect these things. It has been almost a year since you got your job at split rail and I believe that that is a feasible amount of time to put our futures in motion. At the slowest pace, I expected you to have a college application filled out and a down payment for your car. Again, I will not want a future with you if you don’t get these things, but I will not stop loving you. I know that we have a disconnect on how much effort we are supposed to be putting in to supporting each other emotionally. I know you give me 100% of what you are and I know that I don’t give you near enough. I believe we both need to work on this. Perhaps we both need a bit of a balance in our lives. It’s extremely unhealthy for you to focus only on me and likewise for me not to focus enough on you. After the week’s reflection, I know this is true. I feel like I have been doing a better job at working on this, but it’s not enough. For me, I feel like the reason I do this is because I have to clean up our financial messes a lot, either by talking to my dad or driving faster at work for the extra tips. I know you make more than I do, but this month I paid $840 of the rent and you paid $300. Because I have to do this often and because I take on a lot of responsibility of the actual motion of paying the bill, (which is fine, I don’t mind doing it) it takes away a lot of my focus on you and puts it in our finances instead. I know I can do a good job of showing you that I love you if I don’t have to worry about those things as often. Perhaps you think that I should focus all I have on you and let the bills come second, but that is just not who I am. If you love me and understand me as well as I know you do, you will accept that that is just who I am. I know that you giving me your 100% is who you are too and I love that about you and respect you even more for it. That is why I enjoy taking on the responsibility of paying the bills, because I know that you are against money in general. I know you don’t like to think about where our money goes and why everything in our society is so expensive, so I do that for you. Sometimes I feel like if I made you take on some of that responsibility, it would make things a little easier on me, but I know that because I focus so much on making sure everything is paid, that I will always double check your work and make sure the checks have arrived at their correct places in a sense. It’s similar to the reason why I once asked you for help with the laundry. It’s not because I’m tired of doing it all the time, it’s because I thought if you helped me with it, I would feel less worried about it, but it doesn’t work that way. That’s just the way I am. I don’t want you to become a crazy billionaire and give us, your family (which includes Kaeden, Logan and our future children) a mansion with a football field sized pool and a library even bigger than that. Those are wistful fantasies, really only thought of when our pockets are a bit empty. Sometimes none of these things bother me. Sometimes I am really content with being able to drink on a Tuesday night or wasting our money on going to the movies. But when I get deep into thinking about how long it’s taken me to achieve my life goals, I get mad and wonder where my future is going. I had standards for how long a relationship should last before an engagement ring pops up (three years). It’s now been five. And I will give you that I definitely wasn’t ready two years ago. I was ready back in December when it felt like our lives were moving forward again. However, now that I’m ready, if you asked me to marry you right now, I would say no. Because you’re not ready. I don’t think there’s any way I can blame you for not being ready on my timeline. I never told you that I expected three years would be enough time for me to know someone enough to say yes to a proposal. There’s no way you could have known this, so I can’t give you a solid timeline now. I have changed a lot this year and the clarity of the last week has made me realize that everything I wrote in this letter is true. And if you think I’m crazy and my expectations are wildly unattainable, then we’re no longer compatible and I will have to move on. If that’s the direction your thoughts are going now, just know that while you weren’t my first anything, kiss, sex, love, you were the first person I wanted to have a future with and I will never forget that. No matter who I marry, if it’s you or some as of yet unknown stranger, you will the first person on my mind on the day of my wedding. I want to give you time to get your life together, which is why I’ve decided that moving into (Best Friend’s Name)’s is the best idea right now. We have a good place to spend time together and I will obviously support any and every direction you decide to go in. I will help you as much as I can with moving expenses and give you all the information you need to start paying the rent, utilities and internet on your own. I will take my name off the lease and let you put on either (Other Friends 1 and 2) (or anyone else you decide on) and when you move out you can keep all of the deposit. And I want you to keep in mind that if I didn’t love you and respect you as much as I do, I wouldn’t have taken the time to write this. I believe in you, (Boyfriend’s Name). I know you can take care of yourself, I know have the ability to get yourself the things you need. I know you can pay your own bills and you don’t need me to help you out financially. But I need you to show me.** Thanks if you read this all the way through, I'd appreciate 'you go girl' or 'you could say this instead' kind of comments, but I'm not picky :)

Now that I've had to read it a couple of times, I've decided to take out the whole first paragraph. So just don't read that part I guess lol.

I can see why it looks like I'm helping him even more, even though he has been taking advantage of me a little bit. When I talk about moving expenses, I mean him transferring to another apartment in our building so he can share the expenses with someone else. I convinced him to move into this apartment with me a couple of months ago and we signed a year long lease. He was kind of reluctant, but I was sure he would have his shit together by now. So I'm letting him keep the apartment. But he needs a roommate because it's only 1 bedroom, so I'm offering to pay the $200 fee for him to transfer to a 2 bedroom instead. I feel like it's only fair because I convinced him to sign the lease and now I'm backing out.