20 years of my life lost
Im in a strange mood right now, I dont know what it is called but, here is the story...
I am about 23 years old...
Since as far I can remember I have been depressed, mostly because of things my father did to our family, being always angry always threatening and terrifying, he was a great father in certain aspects, but lets just say he was awful in most, the way I was raised made me scarred, and because of that I never knew how to communicate with people, I spend my entire first 16 years with no real friends, just staying at home with my family, trying to survive with my mother and siblings while my father unintentionally poisoned our lives. After 16 I go to a uni in another state, I am free to do what I want, but I still didnt develop except the bare minimum of skills I need to acquire friends. I did get friends along the way, very loyal and good friends. But most of the time I was just at home, watching stuff, doing nothing of value. I Was in a state of depression, and one of the things that didnt help was that things have gone much worse back home
at this stage I started getting a bit more courage trying to talk to my father, I Couldnt tell him that what he was doing was wrong of course, but just tried to somehow have more patience when dealing with them
anyway... that all changed last year from my side, it doesnt matter how it happened exactly, but I have changed my life all the way over, I am finally a happy person most of the time, I am living my life similar to or even sometimes way better than people around me do, I have really close friends, and different people I hang out with, that I sometimes have to choose which group i will go out with on a certain day
Its all great and everything, until some time back, I Went to a concert in a university and all the people around me where several years younger than I am
It suddenly hit me, I have lost 20 years of my life, maybe the most important and fun 20 years, 20 full years, my entire childhood, teenage years, lost, with a very limited number of good memories, and a host of bad memories and damaged personality
The funny thing is that my father still has not changed a bit, he still treats my younger siblings and my mother like crap
I already knew this once I Started changing for the better, but right now, it hurts like hell, and after I learned to make peace with what my father did, I know feel furious again..
I dont hate my father, hating him wont change a thing, I just want to make peace with myself on the fact that 20 years of my life have disappeared into nothingness
I would really appreciate any comments that would raise my spirit, tell me what this condition is called so I can learn more about it, suggest books to read, or suggest things to do
Well. you do admit that it wasn't ALL bad, ("he was a great father in some aspects") --- so grab on to the good and run with it, whatever that may be. (Take this from a gal who was raised by alcoholics)
You sound like you are just now hitting a stride you are comfortable with, so enjoy that. It may be just that you are maturing.
There is no reason for you to "reconcile" with your father. You don't need his approval. In fact, some distance between you and him might be healthy.
My problem is not my father, its that 20 years are gone, 20 years of being a child,a teenager, and being in university, all of these have disappeared, and I only started living now, thats my problem
and what I mean by "he was a great father in some aspects" is the monetary aspect, he was very generous monetary wise, but at everything else, no.
Yes I agree with susieq you weren't happy then, and you are now. your transitioning from what was, to the what is. You've come to that realization! not that its taken 20 years to figure out ,but that 20 yrs has past. Its called growing up and reaching adulthood. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be happy embrace it, now there's nobody to tell you how it should be done. So long as your doing it right, and what's been done by you has been done right!all that was happening was you were mentally stuck so to say in your thought of the what was and you forgot that the world still revolved. meaning you too were also ageing. I like to look at things from the bigger picture a parents job is not officially done till the child has moved out. society looks at people from an age point of view, in other words age of maturity. if we were to look at it from society's point of view 18,18 is age of maturity. which means you've really only lost 5 years! And all you need do is ask yourself,what you were doing the last five years? were you being constructive enough to give yourself a pat on the back to be able to move on?all you can do for your father is thank him for giving you life and the tools that made you a stronger person,even if they were bad moments without those moments you would not be the person you are today.and that sounds like your a great person who grew up dealing with a lot,and that you haven't allowed it to control your life.atleast that's what im reading!I hope that helps never be afraid to be the person you want to be.