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Treated like shit by my girlfriend wen she's frustrated cause of ny problem

Posted by
on Jan 13 2015 at 07:19
Member since: 13 January 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I'm madly in love with her something like u would kw after reading this msg to her "

[11/01 22:02] ◾: Sukriti I'm writing this with all my heart.. U hv become such an inseparable part of my life. Nd I can't think of even a single moment away from u or without u. My love fr u hv crossed all barriers logic. I kw one thing fr sure., If u ever leave me, it will be the death of my soul.... I kw that my heart starts beating thinking abt u, and it will beat only till u r thr.. Earlier I used to think that how can people talk abt eternal love, it's always selfish thing but with u and as every day is passing by, now I kw that no eternal selfless love does exist.. I can't see any any fault in u, nothing bad abt u, nothing at all. Everything abt u is a smile on my face. Sukriti thanks to ur parents thanks to my stars thanks to God that u came to my life.. Without u I would hv never ever known wat actual satisfaction is.. With u I feel the connect, with u I feel Complete, the only person I would like to stay with is u, the only girl I would like to serve with all dedication nd love is u, the only girl I can ever love is u, the only girl I would ever like to be physically active is u... I can't even and don't even think abt anyone or anything abt u which can give me the satisfaction which talking and being with u gives me.. U r my life nd never ever take my life away from me. Urs love"""""

She also loves me a lot, Wen she's normal like "" "" [12/01 13:36] Sukku: My baby my gappu my love my life....

U knw wht all my life I believed I was super lucky n god will always set everything after all d turmoil tht happened in my life I had strtd losing faith bt then suddenly u came to my life...n again I feel to be d most blessed girl in d world....i feel so content rather overwhelmed with u being my life....I always wanted a guy who was worth me and believe me baby at tyms I feel u r much more than I deserve....the way u hv been treating me wid extreme love n care like a baby I feel iv got d bestest possible guy....u r sooo perfect be It work , be it ur attitude towards my family, ur public behaviour...ur love fr ur so proud of all dis..actually baby m soooo happy being wid u....n believe me I m loving dubai n I always wanted a life like I cn v happily leave anything fr actually living frqrd to live qid u wherever it myt me any place wud b jst perfect wid nvr wry tht il leave u...I love u more than anything else n leaving u wud b finishing my lyf....

Soooooo jaldi aao mujhse shadi krne...luv u tons mmmuuuahhhhh"""

But wen she gets frustrated for NY reason including like problem in her office or getting scolded by her sister, ultimately all the blames comes to me, I turn out to be her biggest mistake. Next day she says that she said wrong, but that's only after I try to calm her down. I exactly kw wat to do keep her calmed down but why shouldn't she treats me as an important person who has feelings. Why in her every problem I become her enemy nd reason. I hv tried to explain this behaviour to her atleast 100times but in vain... I love her like mad and m truly loyal to her nd dobt go out with my frnds as she doesnt[

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 14 2015 at 04:01
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
She's taking your love, it's strength AND a belief it's unconditional, somewhat for granted thus at times using you as an emotional toilet to vomit her negative emotions into. Plus she's clearly a very vocal and passionate type to begin with, meaning she starts out more aroused than most in the first place as her normal. These emotions (chunks) are best transported on the most nasty, unacceptable and daring words and phrases (bile) she can think of. It's like when you've badly stubbed your big toe and hop around the room uncharacteristically yelling a string of foul expletives. "Sugar-sugar-sugar!!" just doesn't do it.

I call this behaviour cat-kicking, whether wanton, deliberate spells of self-gratuitous bullying or just a form of carelessness and thoughtlessness reinforced by how she was brought up, i.e. how her family behaved, and further compounded by the failure of any past friends and boyfriends to train her out of it via how they reacted. I think in her case, it's the latter - due to the fact she does let you let her calm down and does apologetically admit it's wrong rather than trying to justify it. But she's failing to realise HOW wrong. I imagine that's because you're pandering to her rather than punishing her for it.

HOWEVER - saying that, the average human should take only 20 minutes to calm down whereas she's still worked up the next day according to you. So I suspect that although she *thinks* this ranting discharges, it doesn't, and instead generates yet more negative emotion to replace whatever's just been spewed out.... her winding herself up, thinking it works for her the same as other types of people when it doesn't.

Every cloud has a silver lining and every lining has a cloud. This is the downside/negative flip-side of being paired with a particularly passionate person IF they haven't ever been forced by other people or life consequences to learn firm self-control measures and/or other ways of coping with their overwrought-ness. Possibly she had over-attentive parents that never let her self-sooth when crying or she might even be at the very thin end of the Bipolar Disorder scale, hence gets 'caught' with her outpourings tap stuck fast in the fully On position as needs a third party hand to help turn it down/off?

So in answer to your undertow question hidden in the act of your having submitted proof of her feelings for you via that email - No, it's NOT a sign that she doesn't love you as much as she claims. It's actually a sign that she does BUT trusts you that little bit too much to where respect somewhat diminishes, and additionally has always been surrounded by people who behave likewise, meaning, she thinks you can take it like they always could.

But who cares why when it's her problem to deal with and, evidently, via the act of this thread, you CAN'T keep taking it...and are getting desperate to know how to put paid to this giant liberty-taking of hers.

Ideally, you should have nipped it in the bud, i.e. trained her out of it whenever in your company right from the first time she did it. Clearly, you didn't. And for as long as you let her get away with it - by trying to emotionally manage her instead of 'punishing' her - she'll keep doing it.

She's not your daughter. And she shoudl learn to conduct herself like a full-grown adult if she wants to do adult things like forge a lasting romantic partnership.

Since she's in a way using your very firm love against you, to tie your hands against insisting she cease, I suggest you do the same, which means next time instead of complaining and soliciting an apology using your mouth, you demonstrate your displeasure WITH YOUR FEET. The minute she next starts up, EXIT THE ROOM, without narration or fanfare. If she follows and persists in ranting at you - insults or no insults - actually leave the house. By all means tell her you'll be back once she phones and can demonstrate she's back to her normal, sane, rational self. But other than that, just don't engage. The less you say and more independently you do, the better.

Example: "I've told you a hundred times, I WILL NOT be spoken to like this. I'm going to another room/I'm going to go home if you don't cease................ Right, I'm going home (don't say I didn't warn you). Call me once you're prepared to talk through, calmly and rationally, what's bothering you."

You HAVE to befittingly (but without fuss) punish her each and every time she throws these tantrums by withdrawing your attention or entire company for a set period (and I DO MEAN 'set' because if you leave her in the dark that'll wind her up even more which will defeat the object) in order to train her out of it when with you, and firmly and consistently. Like a diet, if ever you break your new pattern of self-respecting and dignified response, you'll drag the retraining period out for longer than need be. However, you should still persevere and resume the diet rather than abandon it.

Expect her to get *worse* before she gets better in toeing the new line because basically she's FINE about this situation and won't want it to change as will demand mental effort on her part, meaning she'll try to rebel in order to make you crack so that you'll throw out your new regime out of a false belief that it's not working ('too much like hard work!'). No pain, no gain.

It's that or [a] keep taking it (until either you dump her in favour of your sanity or over-'explode' all over her) or [b] 'wake up' one morning to find you feel like you've fallen out of love with her (just because your receptors have gone self-protectively numb).

Lastly but not leastly: Absence doesn't just make the heart grow fonder. It also alienates you from each other to a degree... enough to where shyness/caution THUS RENEWED RESPECT kick in. So I suggest you (preferably her as well) start to make a concerted effort to go out or spend time separately once or twice a month. You can say neither of you feel a want or need to but this whole thread says, oh yes you *do*. TOO CLOSE, slightly too soon, i.e. love is a step or two ahead of trust instead of level pegging. She trusts you more than you trust her (which is why you worry if this venting at you must mean she doesn't really love you)...Not that much, just a smidgen... meaning it's *you* who needs room to catch up to where she's at (which said slight alienation will encourage her help towards).

Reply from
on Jan 17 2015 at 13:58
Member since: 13 January 2015
hi Soulmate , thanks a lot. u have been very elaborate in explaining me about my gf behaviour. yes she has wonderful parents and sister who treat her like princess. but maybe somewhere she has stopped realizing how her words affects others and how others get hurt specially by her. things r going fine, we r planning to get married . Her behaviour of saying bad things , rejecting me as a person during the tym she's upset for any reasons is not changing and its becoming tough for me. I m trying my heart out to keep her happy , but she takes it so lightly .she loves me a lot , she is vvv loyal thrs no doubt abt it , but her lack of control over herself when she's upset is very acidic. She doesnt care who feel what if she's angry , neither for her parents , her sister and specially me , this doesnt mean she doesnt love us.she does this kinds behaviour with only those whom she loves. But during these upset times of her , instead of letting me help her , she gets into this mode of like " space", "her personal life","her peace of mind", "showing disgust for all of us" never stops... plz tell me a way to get things ryt, i kw i can make her happy in life , and she fulfills me...i dont want it to get spoiled cause of some lack of understanding and control from her side..regards
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 17 2015 at 20:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
I am RIGHT on your wavelength, MALASAURABH - personally, I mean! So refreshing to meet another Higher Love couple. Course I'll help you (I would have anyway...always elaborately, unashamed motormouth that I am). This is no factory conveyor-belt forum anyway, stay for as long and for as much information and suggestions as you need. :-)

Here, before we get started, have one of mine and hubby's email exchanges (fair's fair) from our first year together (we keep everything):



le bon soir mon ange

Juste pour dir ! La destinée nous a faits pour rencontrer, je mon soi sans bien avec vous, avez un rayon de soleil

qui vient entrer dans mon coeur, et aucuns besoins plus longs que vous dans le genre. J'aime u

[Fairly accurate translation of fairly slang French: Good evening my angel. Just wanted to say... Destiny made us meet, I'm no good without you, you made a ray of sunshine enter my heart, it no longer needs anything but you. I love you.]

He's less wordy in textual form than in the flesh because he types one-fingered. But - swoon, swoon!!


My response in poem format (all rights reserved copyrighted and since published, I'd better add in case anyone's foolish and lazy enough to nick it :-p), celebrating the fact my prior relationship died, as well as when it did, thus cleared the way:


There was I,

On the floor, with a bruised and bloodied heart

(whilst Fate just shook its head and wryly smiled)

"Love is gone!", I bewailed, "I’m bereft, ripped apart!"

(But Fate simply smirked, so full of guile)

"I must win it back", I sobbed, "I must, God, I must!"

And I ate, slept, laughed, lived, no more

(Fate, watching, mocked - "Oh, ye of little trust,

Have I EVER let you die this way before?!")

…When at last, spent and weary, I arose to my feet,

dared to tear my sodden eyes from the Blue,

That’s when Fate showed to me it’s most awe-inspiring feat,

Thus I grieved and wept no more, for

There were You.


But anyone can make gushy-mushy noises. It's simultaneous or subsequent, associative *actions* as prove those sentiments wholly true, isn't it. We did and still do, and clearly so do you two:

"i kw i can make her happy in life , and she fulfills me...i dont want it to get spoiled cause of some lack of understanding and control from her side..regards"

Bravo you. You're obviously very emotionally mature, sensible and no quitter and, more importantly, nor a learnedly-helpless, ineffectual one that bails out without having tried everything reasonably within their power to do, followed by spending years telling it like they were in 'an abusive relationship'. Yes, the behaviour itself is abusive. But that doesn't make him/her "an" abusive partner, especially if the rest of the time he or she is an utter angel. And, yes, you can keep making each other happy if that solely is the actual headache in an otherwise stellar relationship. And if there's that rare, rare, even unique depth of passion, all you desperately want to do is know how to redirect or block the passionate outpouring when it turns negative, not throw the baby out with the bathwater. And that light-to-dark ratio being so otherwise high is precisely what makes walking away for good not only too hard but overkill.

But again, it's not your right to help her in that 'always completely involved' way, it's your job to block the bad behaviour so that SHE has to help her (find a better way) due to the fact you're not playing any more, or if you ARE playing (because it's unavoidable), it's going to be played how YOU want it yet (because you love her) in a way that to her surprise works for her just as equally.

Yes, you have to take the rough with the smooth in any relationship. But who says you can't give that rough edge a good honing and smoothing if doing so doesn't mean you not loving *yourself* by suffering via the process? Some other form will probably automatically take its place (because you can't actually repress or suppress vomit) but at least it'll be a form (or form fragmented into smaller expressions) you can actually HANDLE/TOLERATE.

Oh, sure, for her it's no biggie, plus would feel far less serious or traumatising to her family when every time she does it they still picture that cute, podgy-cheeked little toddler. Here, maybe next time she starts up you could shove a rusk or dummy in her mouth? (Only joking. Or *am* I? on.)

My husband was a bit like that when we were first dating. He's half French, half Italian, and it's the Italian side he gets it from (his father and most of his siblings and extended family are the same. Worse, actually). Even when perfectly all amicable, his family don't 'converse'. They yell. Very-very-very fast! They have to. Because so is everyone else at the same time. So we're talking loudly all at once/over each other. Yet somehow they do all manage to hear one another, regardless. Me, I can speak and understand French, but I can't that lot!

So you can imagine what it's like when things turn hostile, can't you ("Emergency exits are located HERE...HERE....HERE...and here".)

Me, I'm uber-passionate as well but have spent YEARS (because of my career, mainly) learning uber self-control, meaning, nowadays it's supremely difficult to make me lose my rag. In fact, the only two people who can do that - at a giant push - is my son and rarely, now, my husband. (When I do blow, though, I'm Scary Lady.) My family were passionate (mainly Mediterranean types) but sensibly preventative rather than avoidant, so held there-and-then, drop-everything Family Meetings. If someone yelled, Family Meeting!, we had to all rush downstairs and take our places at the dining table (deliberately circular, no 'heads' so no superiors unless it was bona fide superiority from having been EARNED). Listening hard was seen as far more important than talking (despite when given our turn, we certainly weren't brief). After all, if you're hungry and want to eat a slice of cake you don't insert it into someone else's mouth and then sit chewing now't but air, do you. How does THAT achieve any progress? And fights definitely nourish relationships if you do them right.

When I say 'a bit like that', though, I mean only very occasionally - albeit, the SIZE of them, woah! And yes, if you're not used to it, if you're the type who 99% of the time only ever says what you mean and mean only what you say, or have to be REALLY white-hot fuming mad (or thick/half-asleep) to argue Ad Hominem as well as be that rapid-fire loud - you take whatever they say seriously and it hurts. OR what hurts is that they even COULD behave like that towards you (- that was my own beef). It can leave lasting or permanent scars, in fact, because despite you can forgive, forgetting isn't so easy. Unless it becomes a thing of the past. THEN you can.

Hell, if he'd been doing it every bloody month or something, I'd probably have decided against. Because with love, it's this: "Yes, s/he loves me. But *what* loves me?". So it boils down to whether it can be trained out of them (if they really can't manage it alone) and whether you've got the perseverance and patience to be a diligent, consistent 'trainer'. And that relies on how well you can stay clear-thinking, strong (and articulate if you do need to talk due to the issue being a pressing. practical one) in the midst of what feels like a traumatic panic situation (think barrister). Because that, actually, is what your partner is doing (certainly during a fight): showing a panic/over-distress reaction but trying to disguise/hide it behind aggression, which then can infect you where you likewise go into panic mode (if you're not careful or in tip-top condition, well-rested, etc.).

But there are various ways to deal with any extreme situation, and that is to respond with extremity, meaning beating them at it or cutting/shutting off. Both of those are extremes but just at opposite ends. Super-active or super-passive. Wishy-washy half-arsed gets you nowhere. So you EITHER act madder than they are in whatever style (a two person-ed dynamic demands you can't BOTH be temporarily insane, meaning one automatically switches to keep the overall unit balanced to ensure both-party survival) *or* you 'play dead'. Put it this way: if a button when pressed continually yields an electric shock, you never again press it. If it continually yields ZERO, you never again press it.

Here was literally how things went in terms of me finding my 'poison' and sticking to administering that and only that, consistently (and note, I couldn't be the one to leave the house because at that point it was MY house, and if I left the room he'd follow me and we had no internal door locks in the house (gaaah!)):


Me: What? Why are you saying that? Why would you say such a thing?! Why are you CALLING me that?! How COULD you - me of all people!?

Result: Nothing. Trying to reason didn't work. Couldn't get a word in edgeways anyway so I don't even think he heard anything I said.


Me: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!! (eyes emitting red laser beams, talons springing from end of fingers, teeth bared LOL)

Result: (don't laugh) Face freezing in shock before literally turning on his heel and running from the house ...came back 2 hrs later, apologising (as did I obviously have to). But my throat and head hurt, plus I didn't WANT to be 'der man', let alone a counter-verbally-abusive one. I like peace and calm, which is why I quickly experiment to find which shears will nip things permanently in the bud the quickest.


Me: .............................................. [issued warning then left the room].

Result: Worked initially, but given time out and with all his hurtful words echoing in my head, and NEW words as he popped his head in and out of the room issuing new ones, I started to retro seethe beyond a critical point so came back downstairs and (heh!) chucked him out of the house. That sort-of worked, but - what a waste of precious time! Plus he sulked for absolutely ages. I despise sulkers, it's too helpless toddler-like, so I would have too quickly lost respect for him had it become a repeat episode.


Me: Took the major piss. Mimicked him: repeatedly interrupted his every sentance at his first word with "meugh-meugh-meugh-MEUGH!' to parody a petulant child whinging and bitching. And when that didn't *quite* do it - again cutting in but this time with "hoo-hoo-hah-hah!" alpha chimp/gorilla noises and chest beating interspersed with sudden-distraction mock-nose-picking and mock-wiping it on his shirt, followed by quick resumption, which, by necessity, I cranked up until it was me jumping ape-like from sofa to floor, throwing sofa cushions around, banging my knuckles on coffee tables, and screeching like Cheetah on acid. :-D

Result: THAT WAS *SUPERB* FUN FOR ME - and it worked! Beautifully! He abruptly stopped and waited each time I cut in, sighing, interspersed with trying desperately not to laugh and ruin his attempt to stay tight-jawed and scowly. Then he just went completely silent, heaved a huge, defeatist sigh, and stood there sort-of slump-shouldered (but still trying not to smile). Next he lost it, by which I mean, grinned openly and then said a quiet little, 'Sorr-eee, bebe' with arms open for a cuddle. But here I just calmly said, 'So do you want to just sit and talk about this like adults now?...cos I can do this all night if you want to'. Yes, he did. SUCCESS! So then he got his cuddle.

Turned out his friend had said something insulting-sounding, meaning, the minute muggins, here, seemed (lingo barrier) to do the same, I got the whole Pandora's Box.

On my advice, the next time a friend said something insulting-sounding, he asked them to clarify what they meant rather than him coming away nursing resentment.

He's been sitting (staying sat), discussing quietly ever since. Or will send me a respectful email (despite he's just two rooms away at the time). But we tend to be more preventative anyway by regularly asking, 'Are you a happy bunny lately, any complaints or worries?'.

The trouble with your gf is that she's likewise not dealing with the causal source - whomever pissed her off in the first place. She doesn't trust them. Only you.

So, anyway, the above and other comedic variations (to stop him desensitizing to any of them) became my poison... after which he couldn't even START an argument without breaking into a grin or laugh (anticipation, see).

I should have picked the piss-taking route to begin with...although woulda/shoulda/coulda are the last words of a fool because [1] it's HARD to know the best way to react when you feel wounded and confused because Dr Jekyll's turned into Mr Hyde, and [2] it's that very joint challenge facing and conquering that helps you both bond that much more deeply. So it's all good. But, anyway, humiliation is intolerable, particularly for men (think ye olde village stocks and getting rotten tomatoes thrown in your face). Yet if you mix it with high humour, it confuses the eff out of them (they can't know how to react with two equal but conflictual emotional states), and more than that, laughter really, really is is the best medicine. FOR YOURSELF, TOO. It disempowers them/their hateful words by shrinking it all into its rightful perspective.

If it helps (and you can keep a straight face), you can even imagine them on the toilet, pants round their ankles, straining to do a poo, going "Gnnnnnnn". Anything to help not take their moody seriously/personally.

The underlying, vital communication to whatever mere method you choose, however, is that you've definitely reached the end of your tether and are not-not-NOT stand there and take it or be dragged into it any more.

For you, however, I'd try the warning and walking off first because [1] she needs to stay thinking of you as manly-powerful and high-road admirable in a more orthodox sense; [2] the aggro she gives you isn't even anything to DO with you, meaning you yourself don't HAVE anything to discuss or defend; and [3] I don't know how proud your gal is thus whether taking the mickey would be anathama to her nor how good a sense of humour she has normally, whereas mine is me with a willy (thus likewise a comedy slut) aside from that EX- (PHEW!) trigger-happy temper.

Still... If the walking off method fails, at least you always have this mimicking the toddler mid-tantrum or le piece de resistance of Cheetah On Acid. LOL In fact, you can still get those giant sugar dummies, can't you. I imagine online, too. Wouldn't that be a riot, eh? :-D I mean, you imagine if you ever started unfairly, out-of-control bitching and moaning at someone and they immediately and silently popped one of THOSE in your gob? Damnit, I wish I'd thought of that one back at the time!! LOL

However, if *everything* you try fails, and she refuses to fix it - including maybe trying Cognitive Behavioural Counselling - and time and repetition doesn't manage to simply inure and immunise you, by then you'll have to accept that in terms of your forever-ideal soulmate, this, your current relationship, was a case of almost there, not quite (next one will be). I seriously doubt she won't, though, going by her email. :-)

.......Blimey, don't I go ooon and oooon and OOON! LOL Shambady schtap meh! But, luckily for you, our takeaway's just arrived so - "laters!" :-)

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 17 2015 at 20:59
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
PS I lost a bit of formatting en route so should point out all those RAH-RAH-RAHs were completely separate occasions, not one single fight.
Reply from
on Jan 18 2015 at 03:57
Member since: 13 January 2015
hEY soulmate, thanks a lot for ur exhaustive post, by ur msgs it seems that ur a matured lady of around 45, so ur experience counts..thanks.. Actually my girl is good, i like ur ways of either walking away or not let her say anyything in an agreessive manner..actually the thing is ryt now im doing job in some different city than her city, so its kinda long distance this im not able to show her how i feel incident from yesterday ,she had an arugument with her elder sister her sister's husband amd her elder sister complained to her parents and her father scolded her... so she was so so hurt that she called me up and started saying she want to like alone , go underground, dont want ANYONE in life, want her space , be alone, she was very hurt , i totally undersdtand that and i kept on trying to get her mood ryt,i was not well also kept talking to her till late to make her mood right, and kind of got success also and she also finally said after a lot of time that I am her only hope.. but the thing is that , it becomes so so exhaustive , i think she should understand the argument is not with me but with someone else and im a part of her life not her enemy and she treats me like thing for sure without me she will be vvv dejected, and sad .. but her reaction to any argument with anyone is so so so over, its not that shes bad, shes still a kid at heart despite over a quarter century old, what i fel is that she has been born and bought up like a princess whr her every say has been accepted by her wonderful parents , but now as she has entered this stage of life whr she is a mature adult , she is not able to take any argument against her and thats affecting her relationship with everyone around her, as of today cause of her arugument with her sister,, she is angry with her parents her sister and me ..shes not understandding that her this behaviour is actually hurting all of us,,, actually she is not able to acknowledge that she need to be more matured , be a moderator sometimes even if other loved ones r wrong,... and in the end im the biggest receiver of her wrath..:( . its just that i kw and undeerstand her so well taht she doesnt mean it even if she thinks she means it,,,YA SERIOUSLY I KW HER BEHAVIOUR MORE THAN HER.. but i want her to undestand her responsiblity in a relationship and its not always abt taking or being cared, its abt thinking abt other and caring the other half...
Reply from
on Jan 20 2015 at 03:28
Member since: 15 September 2013
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Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 20 2015 at 14:08
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
No worries. I have exhaustive fingers. :-)

Well, although it sounds distinctly like her cognizance and empathy skills go right out the window under emotional over-arousal - and while I wonder ("WTF?!") what a man is doing scolding his 25-year-old adult daughter as if she's still a teenager living at home, let alone getting involved either off his own bat or at the behest of said other OLDER adult individuals ("Que?!") that should by now be capable of fighting their *own* battles, no matter how "big" the combatant - the whys and wherefores are down to her to dots-connect and sort out. She's *already* been kittenified, don't you go compounding it, no matter HOW well-intentioned (very) you are.

Getting to give her distance from her family locationally and/or certainly emotionally once you marry, will help. (Regular but well-spaced visits on his part excepted, NOTE THE GIANT ACTION OF MY MAN EFFECTIVELY *WALKING AWAY* - to the point of contact possible via only fairly expensive 9-hour plane plus car journeys, thanks to the Channel, from his original pack (if not his kid), and what that might say. That's what you CALL flying the nest and a pack status and role you can't hack! And yup, it came out in conversation how cutting him and each other off is not their only symptom not to his liking. So, since removing himself from the 'mother ship' and its habits, he had the room and completely different environment in which to finally learn better-for-him and I ways.)

You, meanwhile, don't have to be an expert on lawn grass generally or a certain patch of it, in order to be capable of giving it a regular mowing, do you. You just need to know how to operate a mower and know that a mower is going to be faster, more efficiently effective, and more self-sensible than on your knees with a pair of nail-scissors.

The grass needed a trim only yesterday and yet ("sigh") there you still were, going at it for hours with (wait for it) the scissors, whereby you got to bed overly late and emotionally exhausted on a work night. Again, that was you repeating her family's mistake of (so to speak) basically, following a bedtime story, not then leaving the room to let her cry herself to sleep by self-soothing...and not just that error, either.

I know it's really difficult and heart-wrenching to feel like you're abandoning her in her hour of need, but, it's not if you do it right, including as kindly and compassionately as possible:

I would have given her air-time only for as long as was circumstantially and self-respectingly reasonable followed by then firmly and reassuringly informed her I would have to ring her again, without fail, the next day/evening to continue the conversation, insisting firmly that for now I HAD to get some sleep or else would likely end up being useless the next day or at risk of catching some bug, meaning, "more importantly" (- don't forget that magic phrase!) being of no use to HER come the next evening. [1] You have to look after yourself as well (own oxygen mask first, before helping others on with theirs!), and [2] it sounds as if instead, you went as far as to try to put her straight. For starters, most women (yes, they're in their own ways equally annoying as men), particularly when in the midst of venting, hate it with a capital H when the man she wants just to listen to her and sympathise ("There-there...I know...Me, too... So would I have, damn right...") starts to trying to FIX her. If you step in prematurely at such times with a proposed solution, you're basically saying, 'Enough venting'. That presents as anathema and will crank the woman up EVEN MORE - yes, even redirecting her wrath in YOUR direction - meaning, what would have been only an hour-and-a-half tops, say, gets dragged out to twice or thrice as long.

I should know. Here's a conversation held once upon a time with two female friends (them well oiled with Dutch Courage):

1st BFF: ...Yes, but, [my name]... Don't you realise that sometimes when we're in a right ol' state, we don't *want* to be told what's wrong with the situation or our thinking [laugh] and all the ways to fix it, and just want you to sit there and listen?"

Equally under-assertive 2nd BFF: (Quiet little) Yeah...!

Me: Yes, but sometimes, in fact, more often than not, you so patently, obviously *do*. So why don't you say which it is you want at the start of the call? For example, 'I am so pissed off right now. I need a friendly ear and shoulder, if that's alright, if you've got time?'

Both BFFs: Aww, who can do THAT?!

Me: (Reeling off a list of names of mutual female friends.) ...In fact, only last week So-and-so said, '*Sigh*, Mind if I have a good old rant and vent?'. So I knew just to listen. Whereas, what you two are saying is, despite they can manage it, I'm supposed to be a mind-reader in order to know which you want on any given day? That, by your logic, you'd go into a coffee shop and just stand there talking about whatever, and then complain upon subsequently being handed the menu list of coffees because in actual fact you wanted tea that day, ...despite you hadn't even said so?'

1st BFF: Er....

2nd BFF: Ah, yeah, well, but.. we're not LIKE so-and-so, we're not them...we don't always KNOW when we walk in whether we want coffee or tea, do we.'

Me: So when it comes to specifically just you two, that's *my* problem rather than yours to improve?... I *am* supposed to be a mind-reader?

1st BFF: Tsk!...LOL, She's bloody right, you know bloody usual, LOL.

It's too easy to be blamed for someone else's issue(s). If you sit there showing you'll take it. I'd rather be an annoying know-it-all than laden with the world and his wife's exclusive issues or even just seen to be a personal, emotional dumping-ground. I don't mind QUITE so much with my soulmate and son - kept to within reason, of course, note. Course I don't: one came out of my body and the other is in and out of it every chance he gets, ROFL!! (Sorry - can't take me anywhere.) They have status-based rights. But SO DO I so their rights are still limited.

It also sounds as if your soulmate pre-panics out of a dreaded, dismay-making belief that if she doesn't impress a certain seriousness of alarming situation onto you - her allegedly feeling like ending it all or ending all her close relationships - you won't give her a proper, lengthy-enough airing. Maybe her family *didn't* ever hear her out properly at such times and would cut her off (hence her going downright over-the-top in gorging herself whenever it turns out you will). And maybe she associated this with myriad other behaviours of theirs not to her need or liking but which you *don't* share. This would have her thinking: "Oh, no, he's actually just like them!", the minute you started in with your brilliant solutions, despite your unwitting cutting-off is entirely different when it comes mere *style* of such.

But she's still taking those special rights too far, taking liberties.

Everyone who has what they see/feel as baggage they haven't yet sorted and unloaded is often scared their (emotionally-speaking or literally in her case) one and only special person might suddenly, without warning, turn INTO the very monster under the bed they're charged with protecting them from. And THEN where are they? If she can't eventually sort it out herself, she'll definitely have to seek help with it from a counsellor rather than her going so far as using you as her free therapist and - AHEM! - you going as far as agreeing to it, thereby trying to play two, major, full-time roles in one. You should always keep any extra roles limited if you want that central, paramount LOVE relationship to have its optimum room to go through its usual growth spurts rather than meeting ceiling and walls like Alice-in-Wonderland having eaten that cake. Sure, it tasted great at the time, but look what happened to her AND the house-owner's home. You don't have an instant-fix magical mushroom.

Or maybe you do? Because I'd have thought it wholly sensible, given she has special rights and so should you, to, the minute you next get a calm, happy moment with her, ASK her, 'What is it you need most from me or need me to say and do whenever you come to me when you're that worked up?'. (Me, prior to that above conversation, I didn't even get given any opportunity to know I'd occasionally, totally unaware and through no fault of my own, been frustrating Thing 1 and Thing 2 up there. ;-)) That might be all the situation ever needs. And then, if it turns out not, you can do the very firm and insistent but very loving and reassuring, temporary exit speech, Which is boxing cleverer by walking temporarily away in the sweetest, most loving way possible.

Okay? Got it now?

Try it the very next same-such phone conversation and then report back. :-)

Reply from
on Jan 22 2015 at 13:56
Member since: 13 January 2015
Its not working ..not at all, not that i got chance to do wat u said but actually yesterday i had sent her a ideo of our pics and expected a greta reply from her but she loved it but her reaction was cold , shes in dubai with her sister, hwole day i wait for her to talk to her but wen she came back late at night we were trying forhangouts chat , i tolfd her taht she needs to switch on some light but she told that her sister husband has to sleep , so it turned into a fight..she wants to talk to me, but i dont understand that how come she cant find a place in her house to switch on light to talk to me, she doesnt want to put in efforts, who told things will be easy. it wont be , i m also in an exhaustive job , as a result of her fight with me i just slept like 2 hrs which doesnt matter to her,,, in between fight she told me that everyone has told that she deserves btr than me...WHY THE F*** SHE HAS TO TELL ME THAT IF SHE HAS CHOSEN ME,wen i confront hewr over this she tells me that she told them that i m her choice and shes happy withh me ,,, THEN WHY DID U HAVE TO POP IT UP IN OUR FIGHT if ur views r not in sync with ur frnds. OK then in morning we talked normlalyy i again sent her a video and suddenly she tells me that shes talking to her boss as shes extendeing her trip at her sisters house... WHY NOT EVER KEEP ME IN PICTURE. THEn again she fought,, i also need to be cared bby her, its not always that she needs to be cared.. im losing it now and i dont think i will be able to continue if she doesnt give me my affection and love which i deserve... and swear on God , i kw losing me is going to be her loss, cause i kw i would hv kept her like princess.i have sent her a msg telling abt wat i feel and what she needs to change if she wants to maintain this relationship,.else let her go if she so much wants... i have become numb...
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 22 2015 at 17:46
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
Well, if you didn't get a chance to do what I said, you can't possibly say 'it' isn't working, can you.

What you're actually saying is that the aftermath of that phone conversation is working, i.e. still exerting.

Why did it turn into a fight if she truly couldn't turn on the light? Or did it smack as an excuse?

And excuse to hide what? Do you suppose she was puffy-eyed from crying and didn't want you to know?

"in between fight she told me that everyone has told that she deserves btr than me...WHY THE F*** SHE HAS TO TELL ME THAT IF SHE HAS CHOSEN ME,wen i confront hewr over this she tells me that she told them that i m her choice and shes happy withh me ,,, THEN WHY DID U HAVE TO POP IT UP IN OUR FIGHT if ur views r not in sync with ur frnds."


This is her trying to manipulate. Look at her choice: BETTER. She wants you to be better than you are AT SOMETHING(S).

In what ways? Attention? Because of this? :

" i m also in an exhaustive job"?

Agree again with this as well:

" i again sent her a video and suddenly she tells me that shes talking to her boss as shes extendeing her trip at her sisters house... WHY NOT EVER KEEP ME IN PICTURE. "

Unless that WAS the first opportunity to tell you?

And here we have the entire crux of what you two are (power struggle phase) fighting over:

" i also need to be cared bby her, its not always that she needs to be cared"

But adults who when toddlers upwards were treated like they were all that mattered weren't ever ASKED to do the taking-care-of or certainly not their full 50% (including seeing another's POV and feelings). Hence why her dad is having to 'go back' and do it NOW (-think about it!).

Don't take this period right now too seriously, though. It's just a fight (passionate people fight). The world has ended ("aaaaaargh!, never/ever/always, I hate you, aaaaaargh!!!") No, it hasn't. You two are fighting for room in a slightly-too-small-for-two armchair that you've just recently, due to time passing, sunk into deeper as has thrown you both closer together than before. You just both or one of you need to shift over a little/change position(s) and cease sticking your elbow into their ribs.

It's normal and it won't be the last. The only important thing is that one or both of you - once you've ceased 'hating their guts' - shifts their arse and hips a little, or one or both lose a bit of weight or put your arms around each other so that you become more like one body whereupon the made-for(-XL-)one armchair is perfectly roomy.

It's because you're long-distance despite you're now at the stage where ideally you should be together.

Send her this follow-up (quick):

If he is amazing, he will not be easy;

If he is easy, he won't be amazing.

If he is worth it, you will never give up;

If you give up, you are not worthy.

If she is amazing, she will not be easy;

If she is easy, she won't be amazing.

If she is worth it, you will never give up;

If you give up, you are not worthy.

And add this note underneath: I know we are, really, but, just for now: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!")

You have NOT become numb unless you've become numb WHEN THERE WASN'T EVEN ANY FIGHT. There's the diff that makes AAALL the diff.

Reply from
on Jan 28 2015 at 21:42
Member since: 13 January 2015
Hi soulmate, this is i suppose the last msg from me to u ,, its over... I loved that girl so so so so much but i presume she was hell bent on spoling each and evrything in this world between us.. i find her most beautiful, most attractive, most amazing , most cheerful and myself the most luckiest person in this entire world cause of having her in my life...but she never saw it. never ever .. and i think she willl not even realize it after we have seperated ., ITS DAMN HER LOSS, YES ,Y LIFE IS SCREWED YES ITS SCREWED..BUT SHES A FOOL AND SHE HAS LOST A PERSON WHO WOULD HV GIVEN HIS LIFE IN A JIFFY FOR HER WITHOUT ANY SECOND THOUGHTS.

I tried each and every thing , but her erratic behaviour is b=never ever gonna change, the way she has started taking my feelings for granted sucksssss.

today while we were just chatting , i told her that " yes u r a little fat as per world standards and as per urself " "hehe" "but in my eyes ur just just perfect" " hehe"

yes soulmate , i wrote this , my intention and the meanong of the sentence was the same , it meant that i love her the most and its not by looks ,its by her personality herself...

but the way she reacted, she started abusing me , telling me to fuck off, go to hell, and reminding me like alwyas that i m lucky to hv a girl like her ,which is way over my level and capablity.. she told abt other guys took thr names and told me that she was been always worshpped by other guys and i dont actually deserve her... then she started on a different tune , statred telling me that i m after her body only sex ( we never had sex , only kissing and sometimes little touching here and thr, (which i did cause i m so so mcuh into her that i wanted to make her so so so content and make a pleasurable experience for her .. shes a virgin ,,,i loved her body and her so much ,, and the way she projected me as a sex starved monster.. it was too too much. she blocked me in whatspp, then her fb...i was so so so much trying to make her realize and was saying i m sry but u r totally doing it wrong , no its not correct its totally illogiavl baby , baby plz understand , baby plz calm down... but no , i had thrown my self respect into a garbage can, but she kept on pounding it.. she was so so so illogival , was saying anything at all amything which came to her mind.its wronng soulmate , dont u think so, its totaly wrong.. i deserve some respect , i deserve some say , i deserve to be atleast listened for the way im for her totlly loyal , totally into love, totally into her,,, but she have disappointed me with her illogiavl behaviour , with her lack of control... i have stopped talking to her.. i dont need to face all the crap from her , the only fault i love her too much... yes i wont be able to love anyone else that much as i loved her, no never ever, i will forver love her , but she has lost me forever...she has lost the best and the most devoted guy in her life ...i just expected her to love me in return and some respect...but she failed me.. Actualyy i hv failed ..i have the biggest loser but trust me soulamte,,, she may never ever realize it and i hope that she doesnt realize it , but she is the biggest loser for losing me....

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 30 2015 at 02:34
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
"" yes u r a little fat as per world standards and as per urself " "hehe" "but in my eyes ur just just perfect" " hehe"

yes soulmate , i wrote this , my intention and the meanong of the sentence was the same , it meant that i love her the most and its not by looks ,its by her personality herself..."

Sorry, WHO sabotaged it? Listen, take your own hint. If you had to explain to me what you meant and why and in what way it was actually kindly intended, then obviously the meaning conveyed in the original statement can't have been adequately clear, can it. Think about it. So that was a very, VERY silly thing to have said to one whom by her positional nature cares overly about your opinions of her.

That sounded like you taking the opportunity to have a dig at her merely under a veil of humour. It was highly tactless.

If you were going to be as foolish to point out a flaw from an objective viewpoint prior to giving the subjective (yours), why on EARTH did you have to use the word fat? Did adhering to the technical truth mean more to that mind of yours than protecting her lately over-sensitive feelings? I mean, compare:

" yes u r a little fat as per world standards and as per urself " "hehe" "but in my eyes ur just just perfect" " hehe"

[translation: yes, you are but I put up with it and overlook it]


"I don't think you're fat, no way - I think you're perfect just as you are!"

[translation: I love you too much to think about technicalities or care about telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth]

And now imagine an altogether different outcome.

Don't get me wrong - I'm with you in a way: don't ask questions you know you won't like the answers to because, by the very fact of what you're asking you're pre-supplying the answer. But this is women we're talking about.. at that, a woman in honeymoon WHO'S FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.

Instead, she got an insult...and from the one person in the world who's supposed to think she's the ideal woman. So obviously, her being her, she went doolally, got stuck that way and couldn't listen to reason.

Tsk. What we gonna do with you, eh?

Anyway, I don't call that abuse, I call it batting-back (albeit in over-the-top fashion - but that's super-hurt feelings for you). And you did start it. So if you want respect, you're going to have to ensure you always earn it, WHICH MEANS SHOWING YOU'RE CAPABLE OF PUTTING YOUR OWN NEEDS (this case, to always tell it straight like Spock) ASIDE LIKE A MAN (PROTECTOR) SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO. Berbom.

Anyway, you're obviously still overwrought so... Wait until you're calmer and back in control (is that now?) and send her a MASSIVE bouquet of flowers with THE most apologetic, statement-corrective message you can muster. By then, she'll be capable of taking it in.

Conclusion: Not over. Lover's tiff. Type humdinger, Cause natural oversensitivity + MISUNDERSTANDING, Result "CUCKOO! x 2". Standard stuff, particularly for long-distancers who are trying to convey intricacies that [bend over!!!] emailing just can't cope with.

Next time you get a tricky question like that via text, PHONE HER WITH YOUR RESPONSE.

We live and learn.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 30 2015 at 04:11
Member since: 19 August 2014
Country: United Kingdom
PS: And also, next time, READ MY POSTS PROPERLY. To wit:

"Because that, actually, is what your partner is doing (certainly during a fight): showing a panic/over-distress reaction but trying to disguise/hide it behind aggression, which then can infect you where you likewise go into panic mode (if you're not careful or in tip-top condition, well-rested, etc.)."

Which is AGAIN precisely what's just happened. She's defensive-aggressive. "Pow!" is just "OW!" hidden behind P (pretension).

I know I talk the hinds legs off a donkey (or an American 'arse') but I think you'll find it does actually all contain a lot of learning, experience, commonsense, wisdom, and intuition, all tried and tested in reality. ;-p

You don't listen enough. Not 'hear'. LISTEN (hear + analyse). You don't chew, swallow and digest before pooing out. Hurry-hurry-hurry, rush-rush-rush... No wonder it comes out thick, lumpy and smelling offensive to whomever's closest to you and paying especially close attention (her). (Yuck, what an analogy, LOL, but it sums it up the best.) Next time, think more deeply and lengthily before you rattle off your response, okay?

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?