Letting Go

So, I'm trying to get my ex back, I'm back to the girl he loved so much and better (changed myself positively). I keep reading places that letting go is the last step...but how? How do I even let go?

Hello again. :) I'm going to offer something I hope you really consider. I'm concerned about how much of your sense of self-worth, purpose, and life meaning are derived from getting this guy back. There are many terms for that - false refuge, being one of them. Trying to control our experience by clinging to something we think will help us escape our reality. It seems that you're trying to avoid the pain of having to deal with loss (I remember you mentioning a death in your previous post, along with your breakup). BF was there for you when you were coping with your relative's death. You went into what you referred to as a depression. He decided that you weren't right for one another at that point and broke it off. You then, in my opinion, started to spiral -- All of the feelings came up again. The loss of the relative, the loss of your bf, possibly all the losses that you've experienced that you haven't yet dealt with healthily in a way to progress forward in ways that will not only serve YOU best, but the people you're involved with, too. You've "changed yourself positively." That's great! Also, I see you wanting to "let go" as a very GOOD sign and commend you for it. You want to do this sincerely, and that's the ONLY way to do it. Good for you! So, to the hard part. The letting go. Letting go means, literally letting go - you take your hands off the controls. Stop trying to control your pain and experience it instead. That way you can actually feel it and heal it. We all do this all the time - we feel something we don't like and we want to DO SOMETHING to FIX it. The thing to do is surrender to it. Let your grief come and pass through you. Feel it in your body and try to keep your mind quiet. Remember that thoughts are like wood to fire - Fire clings to what it burns. If you're thinking about how to win him back, you're feeding the fire of resisting your grief. If you surrender to feeling and name it "longing" and think no further - let the emotion pass through you. It will come in waves and eventually it won't have as much control over you. Explore your feelings, name them each, and honor them. But don't get lost in thoughts - thinking takes you away from the actual experience of fear, for instance. If you feel fear then honor it by naming it, let it pass through you, feel t, explore it, and recognize when your thoughts are creating more problems. Thoughts get in the way of healing, thoughts are ways of trying to control feeling. Let go by not trying to control your experience, but actually experiencing it, honoring it, and letting it evolve. It will not always feel this way. Allow yourself a little more time to heal. That is also positive change. Best to you.

That 3rd paragraph is almost correct...I'm at peace with my depression from the death, and the break up. And yes, my life went spiraling down. I couldn't handle my depression...but that's over with I do want to get him back, but I have to let go in order for that to happen I keep day dreaming of getting back together, and I've had a gut feeling that something good is going to happen soon, and that feeling got stronger today

"I do want to get him back, but I have to let go in order for that to happen." Step one - Let. Go. Allow what happens after that to be what happens after that. You realize that letting go is something that had to happen first. So, let go. "I keep daydreaming...." This is not letting go. When you catch yourself daydreaming (thoughts) bring yourself back out of your mind and into your body where the emotions live. If it's hope, great, name it, honor it (by feeling it) and let it pass through you. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, in my opinion, to let go. But in the letting go is also the greatest freedom and joy. Letting go offers your world to reveal itself to you and for you to experience it in the present tense. As it is. Not as you'd like it to be and wish it were. Always try and work and go for the things you want! Also always know yourself when you're running from something or toward something. Try to be neither running away or to, but be still. Find yourself in this reality by letting go of thoughts from the past or future, and just experience life as it is right now in this moment. It's normal and natural to want to control things - how else would we get what we want!? But don't confuse ambition with delusion. Let go.

I can't help but day dream...and yet, my gut is telling me something good is going to happen, I don't know what, but something

I'm gonna try the tough love approach here hoping to get through to you. You can't let go because you are determined you want to have this guy no matter what. When he pops into your head instead of shaking yourself out of it like a woman, you allow the perfect daydream to play through your head like a schoolgirl. A dangerous move for a start, daydream boyfriends are perfect, you are building him up to be what he is not. Even if your daydream is merely 'I'll see him and this is how he'll take me back' you're suggesting to yourself that things will go the way you want them to. If I've learned nothing else I know things don't go the way you expect because people are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings and views so they say and do things THEIR way. No wonder your gut thinks something good is going to happen all on its own, you're telling it so through these pointless daydreams! You want him back? Tell him so, then get on with your own life! If he doesn't react positively to that then that's his decision. You can't and shouldn't try to force someone into a relationship with you. Make the bid to get him back, tell him everything you want to say to him in one go, give him a chance to give you an answer and if that answer is no - ACCEPT IT. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you or respect your opinion? No-one! That's how you let go - you tell yoourself firmly that he doesn't want you and focus on you and what you want out of life and love. Make good things happen for yourself by going out there and working for those things that CAN be worked for.

Thank you, Violette, and thank you! I was quite tempted to take a more "firm" approach, but my concern for her mental state outweighed it at the time. Also, sometimes women listen differently to other women than they do men, and vice versa. So I appreciate you initiating a tougher approach. Confused Girl, you've come here for help. Yes? Or did you come here for someone to confirm your delusion and are finding it disappointing that's not what's occuring? Wait. Hear that? It's your life calling. Time to wake up and answer.

OR, ya know, just accept that you're trying to escape reality and assume all the responsibility - of the inevitable pain and suffering that go along with it. Suffering is a part of life. How we choose to engage with suffering is part of how our character and integrity are defined. Your behavior is consistent with neurosis. You can control your thoughts and approach to this. You're choosing not to, and instead *clinging* to this compulsive daydreaming and "good feeling" you're "getting." If you feel so good about it, then make a move. Maybe you're right and he's been planning a secret proposal!!! (Rolls eyes) Let's see how it plays out in reality. Keep us updated.

I came here for help. To get my ex back, and I only made this post for opinions really. And that last comment was rather rude.

And that "good feeling" is a gut feeling, I only said something good was going to happen. I don't know what. I only know it's good. My gut feelings are strong

Then I hope the opinions are helpful. I can't and wont apologize for my opinion, but I'm sorry it felt rude to you. Be well and keep us updated.

ConfusedGirl - That's a very appropriate ID by the way. And no judgment on being confused. That's an occasional part of being human. Your post is entitled "Letting Go." You've been offered not only compassion and understanding, but opinions, and tools on *how* you can let go if you actually want to. You have said you know you need to let him go. You have also said you want him back. I'm getting very confused myself about what your goal is. Help us help you. You don't seem to understand that part of letting go is letting go of your desired outcome. It's uncomfortable. It makes you have to take (your hands off the controls of what you want to have happen externally and how that will help you avoid the pain of not getting what you want to happen)sole responsibility for yourself. (your happiness isn't derived from whether or not you and he reunite) You have the option right now to begin learning the art of healthy suffering. The sooner we learn these things, the better, because suffering is also a part of life. Healthy suffering is what I described in my previous post and won't go into again here. What you're choosing to engage in is unhealthy, destructive, and neurotic suffering. You're focusing on compulsive daydreams and gut feelings that are "strong" - Okay. I'm listening. I have offered my opinion. I certainly have no illusion that I'm some master of fact and fiction -(except in my own life, and even then I'm willing to consider other points of view) - especially in an online environment where the window into what is actually happening is so tiny, it would be insulting to anything sacred to say I'm offering anything *other* than an opinion based on a very limited amount of information and my own life experience. So, let's try a new angle. Trust your gut, ConfusedGirl. Get in touch with him and discover what this strong gut feeling is all about. What have you got to lose, right?

Pat, I got the email, I emailed him last night. Why do I have to send a picture? And put my phone number? I can't put my number, my plan doesn't support calls over seas or whatever