Verbal abuse

Hi, I wondered if anyone was going through the same problems as me. I am a 26 year old female, happy (most of the time) female. I have been with my partner for 4 years and its been a bit of a roller coaster at times. We are both fitness instructors and have similar interests and hobbies we get along so so well when we are good. But I have a problem and that is I don't know how to deal with his anger problems and it breaks me down everytime. He's not physically abusive in any was but his words can be toxic and its very hard to shake them off. He is a good looking, polite, smart and sensible guy with most things but it's as if sometimes someone else takes over him. He has not had the best of upbringings with a very angry and ignorant father and he always grew up hating his dad for the way he treated him and his family but lately I'm seeing more of his dad in him and it scares me. In the four years we have been together he has broke up with me numourous times. I feel he can never admit when he is in the wrong and only comes back when I am moving on. The last time he split with me for 2 months and then came to me saying he had reconised he has a problem and was going to go to the doctors and that he realises he always blames me when hes in the wrong. I truly believed him this time. We moved into a flat together and within the first week he was off after thinking I had thrown away one of his DVDs (I hadn't) he called me every name under the sun. He trys to make me believe I am crazy, calls me a f**king physco tells me I have problems and that I'm a nut job. The worst lately is a f**king c**t and and other nasty things. Today I finished with him not actually expecting too. The last 2 weeks I have been in and out of hospital one surgery a tonsillectomy and the other was an emergency as I bled out badly I never had him be so caring he was was glued to me, so affectionate the bf I love and more. It really is as if theres 2 sides to him. But yesterday he blamed me for something that wasnt me and then was annoyed when I got angry with him for accusing me. Instead of saying sorry the verbal abuse started again very nasty and he refused to apologise. I gave him an ultimatum which of course he didn't choose to apologise and for the first time I did the finishing. We are supposed to go to Rome in a couple of days and I thought he would just cave if I am honest but he turned it all round on me making out that I am crazy again! When I asked hours later if hes even sad he said no why would I be. I cried and he said I am just a wreck and kept telling me to go saying I need help and I'm a headcase for crying. Surely its normal to cry? But when I do which tbh is my release he makes me feel so bad about it and like maybe I am crazy. I have often thought he has a split personality because although the above is me painting a bad picture the other side of him (tjhe one everyone sees) is the most loveable guy in the world. I sit here myself thinking if I was reading this I would tell them to leave and find someone who truly loves you so why can't I do it?

Your story reads like a precise description of my ex-partner: v scary. Firstly, you are NOT crazy. You are with a man who is a highly skilled abuser. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse is just as damaging, if not more, than physical abuse. His tactics are making you doubt everything about yourself, your rationality, your sanity, etc: it is how he gains control over you. Whether he has one, two or ten sides, it doesn't matter. You know is capable of making you feel absolutely terrible and reducing you to tears. And NO, crying does not make you a 'head case'!! I got told that too. Poor you:( Believe in yourself and know that a real relationship does not make you feel belittled and confused about your very sanity. I promise you, it will only get worse. My ex behaved in EXACTLY the ways you described, until I tried to leave him and he became physically violent also. 10 yrs later, I still have to regularly renew my Intervention Order to keep him from stalking me and making abusive phone calls and emails, but life is SO much better. Please, please, get help from a women's domestic violence support service, where you can get regular proper advice and support. Be very careful when you leave him, bc women are in most danger of serious physical assault or murder from EX partners just following separation. Good luck. Be strong. Blessings to you.